Dude, Where's My Shirt?
Dude, Where’s My Shirt?
by Mark Apoapsis
After the movie Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)
“Yeah, I’ll have one order of chicken stir-fry.”
“And then?”
“Oh, let’s see, I guess I should get an order of rice to go with it.”
“And then?”
“What happened to your speaker, by the way? It looks like somebody vandalized it.”
“And then?”
“Well, whatever. How about a medium Coke.”
“And then?”
“That’s all.”
“And then?”
“Oh, what the hell. I’ll have an order of potstickers.”
“And then?”
“That’s it.”
“And then?”
“No, I said, ’That’s it.’”
“And then?”
“That’s all. I don’t want anything else.”
“And then?”
“Really, that’s it. I’m alone today. I’m just getting a quick bite to eat.”
“And then?”
“And then I’m picking up Chester at the airport. He’s been visiting his folks.”
“And then?”
“And then he’s coming back home. His plane is probably headed for the airport right now.”
“And then?”
“And then it’ll land, of course!”
“And then?”
“And Chester will get off.”
“And then?”
“What do you think? I’ll meet him at the terminal. Look, can you just—”
“And then?”
“Well, then we’ll say hello, of course.”
“And then?”
“Well, you know. I’ll tell him I’m glad he’s back, and ask if he had a nice trip, and all that.”
“And then?”
“Well, I guess I’ll clap him on the shoulder or something. I mean, he’s my best friend, so why not?”
“And then?”
“Well, maybe I’ll give him a hug. I really miss the dude.”
“And then?”
“And then we’ll get in the car...”
“And then?”
“And we’ll drive home.”
“And then?”
“Just what are you implying, lady? We’re just good friends. Chester and I go way back. We dropped out of college together.”
“And then?”
“And then we both got jobs at a pizza place. And speaking of pizza, I’m about this close to—”
“And then?”
“And we rented a house together. Just to save rent, you know.”
“And then?”
“Well, sure, we’ve become even closer ever since. But that doesn’t mean—”
“And then?”
“Shut up! Forget the food. I’m going to the airport to pick up my friend.”
“And then?”
“Like I told you, I’m taking him back home.”
“And then?”
“And then nothing! We’ll just hang out.”
“And then?”
“OK, maybe we’ll put on our helmets and do a little thumb wrestling.”
“And then?”
“That’s it! We just thumb wrestle! Just our thumbs!”
“And then?”
“And then we take off our helmets.”
“And then?”
“Well, sometimes if we’re in a playful mood we do get into a little real wrestling afterward, OK?”
“And then?”
“And then, usually, I wind up pinning him.”
“And then?”
“None of your business! I just hold him down, that’s all.”
“And then?”
“And then I let him up.”
“And then?”
“Nothing!! ...Unless, of course, he tries to tickle me the second I let him up.”
“And then?”
“Well, what do you think? I push him down and get him pinned again.”
“And then?”
“What’s it to you, you nosy bitch? He’s my best friend, and I can pin him on the floor in our own home if I feel like it!”
“And then?”
“OK, OK! Just to finish this so you’ll shut up. And then, just to teach him a lesson, I push his shirt halfway up and tickle his ribs. Are you satisfied now?”
“And then?”
“Argh! And that ends it, usually. He’s laughing so hard by that time that he can’t fight anymore.”
“And then?”
“And then he says uncle and I leave him alone. Period! That’s what’s happened every time. Well... except that one time when he refused to submit...”
“And then?”
“And then I pulled his shirt over his head and attacked his armpits. He’s even more sensitive there than his ribs. He’s never let it go that far ever since.”
“And then?”
“And then I let him up, of course! And that’s all that’s ever happened. That’s all that’s will ever happen between us, because now he knows if he doesn’t give up after the ribs, I’ll start tickling his armpits.”
“And then?”
“And then I’ll keep on tickling until he gives in. The first time, that took about ten seconds.”
“And then?”
“Wh—! And there’s never been an ’and then’! He knows if he doesn’t give up I’ll keep tickling his armpits and his ribs forever.”
“And then?”
“And then he’ll be so weak from lack of air that he’ll probably pass out.”
“And then?”
“And then I could do anything I wanted to him. Tie him up, if I wanted.”
“And then?”
“Well, since he’s been trying to act like such a tough guy, I guess I would drag him to my bedroom, all tied up.”
“And then?”
“And I’d stretch him out on the bed, all weak and half conscious.”
“And then?”
“If I wanted to, I could even tie a rope to each of his wrists and tie them to the bedposts so he couldn’t get away.”
“And then?”
“Well, obviously he’d be pretty vulnerable then.”
“And then?”
“His armpits would be all mine. Nothing he could do about it except thrash around.”
“And then?”
“Well, I guess I’d get tired of his feet kicking around on my bed, so I’d take his shoes off if they weren’t off already, and...”
“And then?”
“And then his socks. One at a time. Yeah...”
“And then?”
“And then I’d tie his ankles up so he couldn’t kick. That’ll teach him!”
“And then?”
“And then, with his bare foot in my hand, I guess I couldn’t resist tickling it.”
“And then?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never tickled his feet before.”
“And then?”
“Well, if they’re half as ticklish as his ribs, he’d be begging for mercy.”
“And then?”
“What, you think I’d let him off so easy, after I went to all that trouble? No way! He’s in for at least an hour of tickle torture by this point.”
“And then?”
“And then he’ll be screaming so loud I’d be afraid the neighbors would call the police. So I’ll stuff one of his own socks in his mouth.”
“And then?”
“And then there’s nothing to stop me from tickling him as long as I want.”
“And then?”
“Isn’t that enough?! The dude’s lying there, stripped to the waist, spread-eagle on my bed, tied up and completely helpless, and I’m tickling him to within an inch of his life! What more do you expect me to do? We’re just buddies!”
“And then?”
“Well, I guess I could go as far as pulling his pants down. Just to humiliate him a little.”
“And then?”
“And then he’s in his shorts! What more do you want?!”
“And then?”
“Don’t be disgusting!”
“And then?”
“Besides, he’d be begging for mercy at this point. Because if he wasn’t...”
“And then?”
“Well, maybe just to—”
“Dude! There you are!”
“What are you doing here, dude? I thought you were at the airport.”
“My plane landed an hour ago, dude! I had to call the twins to pick me up. They were really pissed, because I made them miss their volunteer work.”
“I’m real sorry, dude. Climb in. Where are the twins?”
“They dumped me here when they saw your car. Where were you, dude?”
“Just toss that in the back. Actually, I was right here the whole time.”
“I knew it. You got the munchies, huh?”
“Hey, cut it out! Haven’t you learned by now not to tickle me?”
“Hey! Ha ha! OK, I give up. ... Dude! I said I— ha, ha, ha!”
“Not this time, dude. Think you’re so tough, huh?”
“What— ha, ha — what do you mean?”
“Wait ’til I get you home.”
“And then?”