Emanon Chapter 9
Hello y'all. This is the second story I work on – the first one being Alex and Sebastian. I'll place the link for that one below.
Hope you guys enjoy!
http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/college/alex-and-sebastian/
A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I've either used or will use in the A&S series. I've given him full control as to whether he wants a new channel for this story or just to continue on the original one. If y'all want to listen to the previous one while reading the chapters, the link for it is this:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS
Songs on YouTube:
Break Up In The End – Cole Swindell
Leave Your Lover – Sam Smith
Die From A Broken Heart – Maddie and Tae
I will keep you posted if another link is created.
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Every story is free on here, so please let's keep it that way and donate, guys.
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The Mentor
Diana
When I walked into practice the Monday after my party, Sam and Tay were already sitting together. Though no one else had taken notice, I assumed this meant they were likely going out now. Well, no one else other than Darren noticed. Every now and then, he'd catch my gaze landing a little too long in Sam's direction - a look of longing apparent in my face, no doubt. I looked away from him and blinked my thoughts away.
Darren decided to sit next to Michael and me, leaving his backpack on the seat as he walked to Mr. Holland's office. Before practice started, he had already told me he wouldn't be able to make it for tomorrow's practice. Darren had a basketball game in the afternoon and would have to leave during his last period class. It was very likely he'd be able to make it for the last thirty minutes of practice but Jay, his brother, would be down from Austin for the holidays and would need to be picked up. Since he hadn't seen his brother since a little before school started, he wanted to go with her to pick him up.
With Tay and Sam being so lovey-dovey, I wanted to excuse myself from tomorrow's practice as well.
As we approached Mr. Holland's cracked office door, Darren and I overheard him talking to another teacher.
"If you like her," Mr. Holland said in his crisp and pleasant voice, "You should just ask her out, Sea Bass."
"I'll think about it. It's been a while since I went on a date. What am I supposed to even do?" This second, deeper voice sounded vaguely familiar to me. I couldn't quite place it, though.
"Just have a good time. Don't overthink it." I heard Mr. Holland's chair move back and knew he was standing up. We stepped back from the door and were face to face with him a few seconds later.
"Darren!" he exclaimed, surprised he almost walked over him.
"Sorry, Mr. Holland." Darren apologized and took another step back. He quickly told him about missing tomorrow's practice for basketball and having to pick up his brother. I followed this with a lie about a doctor's appointment. Mr. Holland began to tell us how it was okay when movement behind him drew my gaze. Behind him stood Mr. Garcia, the source of the deeper voice. His gaze met Darren's first and a strange look of realization shone in his hazel eyes. Both of them quickly looked away as Darren made his way back to our seats next to Michael for the beginning of practice. I wondered what that was all about as I walked to my seat, too.
Mr. Holland introduced Mr. Garcia again and informed us he'd be helping with this evening's practice.
"Mr. Garcia here," he looked back at the teacher standing behind him, "Is actually a very talented singer. I'll be out of town Wednesday through Friday but have asked him to help us in this week's lesson: vulnerability." He looked around at the members present and smiled. "You have all shown incredible talent these past weeks. This week I want you to channel that talent and show us your vulnerable side. Since I'll be out of town for the rest of the week but I'll have some of you perform Friday for Mr. Garcia and he'll give you feedback to work on."
Mr. Garcia stepped forward and gave us a warm smile. "I'm here to help you all become the best performers you can be. I - I actually prepared a song to go with this week's lesson when your coach first asked me to help." He walked to the left side of the classroom where we kept guitars hanging by their necks on the wall. Grabbing one, he made his way back to the center of the class. "I want to give you an example of what Mr. Holland and I are talking about before you perform Friday."
While he set himself upstage, Mr. Holland walked to the other end of the classroom and dimmed the lights. He turned on some small, classroom theater spotlights and aimed them at Mr. Garcia - the same setup for whenever we competed or performed here.
Mr. Garcia adjusted himself on his seat and placed the guitar on his lap. He quickly checked to make sure the guitar was tuned with a slow strum, took a deep breath, and began playing a simple melody that resonated across the now silent room.
.
"I'd still walk in that bar a little drunk.
I'd still ask you what you're drinking, what's your name.
I'd still kiss you by the shuffleboard, last call at 2AM
Even though we break up in the end."
.
I looked on as Mr. Garcia's voice rose and weaved a beautiful melody that merged beautifully with the guitar. For a teacher, he had a great voice - I could understand why Mr. Holland would ask for his help with us. It was deep and rich, his words flowing out of him like molasses. The way he effortlessly partnered his guitar with his voice added such a deep feeling of melancholy to his performance – it'd be inspiring if he didn't sound so heartbroken.
I thought back to the last time I had seen him - as a judge during our first competition - and I remembered the way he looked at Darren then, too. I remembered he couldn't keep his eyes away from him - almost like he was studying him, like he recognized Darren from somewhere. Other than the quick look they had shared near the door, his eyes seemed to avoid him as he sang.
I couldn't figure out if I was imagining this or not.
I wondered what the story was.
.
"I'll introduce you to my mom and dad.
Say "I think I love her" when you leave that room.
I'd still not take their advice when I say you're moving in
Even though we break up in the end."
.
I noticed that something about this verse brought up another change in his demeanor. It was then that I began to listen to his voice, like, really listen. There seemed to be a growing sense of vulnerability and pain in his voice. It made my skin crawl and stood the small hairs of my arm on end.
As he sang, his facial expressions portrayed a look of anguish and longing. Every word he sang seemed to be ripped out of him - like he was pulling out a tooth.
Regardless (or even, because of this), he kept singing.
.
"I'd still play my favorite song in your car.
Let you love me to it, 'til it felt like ours.
Now all I hear is you in it, but I'd still let you ruin it
Even though we break up in the end."
.
The hurt in his voice pulled at my heartstrings. Glancing quickly in Tay and Sam's direction to my right, I could relate to wanting someone despite the consequences.
I could only wonder as to what could have happened to Mr. Garcia to make him sing like this. His voice sounded brittle yet determined, soft but piercing, almost like he had a personal stake in finishing this song - no matter how much it hurt him to do it.
.
"Even if I knew you'd be the one that got away.
I'd still go back and get you.
Even if I knew you'd be my best and worst mistake.
Girl, I'd still make it with you.
Over and over, again and again.
Even though we break up in the end."
.
How miserably in love one had to be to want someone back, fully knowing how it would end.
I nonchalantly looked over at Darren again and found him turning to look at me, too. Our eyes met for the quickest of seconds before I looked away, flustered.
I lowered my gaze to the bottom of the chair in front of me, my eyes heavy with sadness. Turning my eyes back to Mr. Garcia, his voice became even softer and more fragile with the final bridge.
.
"You've just had one too many tonight.
You're just calling 'cause you're lonely, that's okay.
But you know if you come over, I cannot let you in.
Even though we'll break up in the end."
.
It was like the whole room held their breath. The quietness of the room allowed for the tenderness of Mr. Garcia's voice to pierce through the sadness.
It made me think of how a heart could break for someone so completely but still be willing to be put back together - even if everything was just destined to fall apart again.
It was my turn to study Mr. Garcia. I couldn't see his eyes but the way he held his head, in a sort of defeated and vulnerable manner, reminded me of the pain I felt when my mom passed away all those years ago. I realized that, along with heartbreak, Mr. Garcia was also allowing us to see how empty and lonely that loss had left him. I wondered what girl could have fucked him up so much that he'd want to go through whatever it is they went through all over again.
Would I ever find someone I loved that much?
Had I found them already?
.
"I'd do it over and over, again and again.
Even though we break up in the end."
.
It was in that moment that I noticed Mr. Garcia finally look in our direction but, when his hazel eyes met my own, I couldn't see a teacher anymore. All I saw in his eyes was a pained man tired of bottling up his pain.
I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat and looked away as a feeling of guilt crawled around my skin. For whatever reason, the look he gave us made me feel like there was something he recognized - like there was something we should be sorry for. I was just unaware as to what that something was. Surely, he wasn't blaming us for his heartache, right? I looked cautiously at Darren. Surely he wasn't blaming him, right?
Breaking my train of thought, my fellow teammates began to applaud and I joined them a second later.
"What a great start!" Mr. Holland clapped his hands and smiled proudly at Mr. Garcia. "That's what I'm talking about, guys. When you're up there, you need to open up yourself to being vulnerable."
"Vulnerability isn't a dark emotion," Mr. Garcia, took a step forward and off the stage. "It's not at the core of fear or shame or disappointment. We try so hard to armor up and avoid being vulnerable throughout our life not knowing that being vulnerable is actually a quality of strength - not a sign of weakness or fear." He looked around the room, his hazel eyes scanning the room, connecting with everyone but Darren.
Why?
"Don't strive to hide your weaknesses," he continued, "Be proud of them. Learn from them. Be vulnerable. This won't just be helpful for you when you perform in the competition, it will help you out in life. It took too long for me to learn to be vulnerable - to open myself - but, when I did, I learned so much about who I was and what I wanted - I grew as a person." He gave us a small smile, a small sliver of sadness apparent behind his happy facade. "Being vulnerable helped me differentiate between what I wanted and what I thought I wanted."
After another pep talk from Mr. Holland, we practice continued with both coaches advising us at different times.
The next day, after decidedly talking myself into going to practice, I joined my teammates for the last few song reviews before getting a text from Darren if he could hitch a ride home with me. I thought about making up an excuse but thought better of it. I didn't feel like being alone at the moment. That was the whole point I came to practice today in the first place.
"Not a problem," I said with a smile. "I was going to practice a bit with Michael today actually. Maybe you'd wanna join?" I shrugged. Lord knew if I couldn't spend time with my crush, I should at least help Darren spend time with his.
"Oh," he looked in Michael's direction as he swung his backpack around his left shoulder. "I'd love to but my brother just came down from Austin. I wanted to see him today." Darren seemed to think about something for a second. "Unless you all would be okay with practicing at my place," he suggested. "My brother Jay is a music major at UT. He's pretty good, too."
"I'm good with that," Michael smiled. "Would be nice to get fresh eyes, Diana" he shrugged in my direction. I hadn't been able to listen to the last part of the conversation as I had been distracted looking at Tay kiss Sam's cheek and walk out without even a wave goodbye.
"Yeah," I shook my head, and painted another smile on my face. "Sounds good."
Once we made our way to my white, 2012 Range Rover, Darren gave us the directions to his mom's place. I sent my dad a quick text letting him know I'd be late for dinner. Not that it mattered - he was on call at the hospital and my step mom was out of town. Darren sent a similar message to his mom letting her know he invited two friends over to practice for a bit.
Trying not to look too eager climbing up the stairs but failing spectacularly, Darren finally managed to open his door and invited us in. I looked over at Michael and we both suppressed a smile realizing how excited Darren was to see his brother again.
"Jay!" he said, as a familiar face greeted us in his living room.
"Darren!" His older brother smiled at us and pulled Darren in for a hug. "How you been?" He stepped away from Darren and held his shoulders at arm's length, likely inspecting his younger brother and how much he had changed in the time since they were last together. Despite being a few years older than him, I could see how much Jay and Darren resembled one another. Same sandy-brown hair, same white smile, same body frame and eyes - other than the slight stubble Jay was sporting and the 2 or so inches of height Jay had on Darren, there was no mistaking they were brothers.
"Eh, so, so," Darren shrugged. "Where's Alex?" Darren looked around for this Alex person. During the ride home, Darren had told us a little about Jay and Alex, his brother's boyfriend. The two had been inseparable since they had moved to Austin together. Although quiet and reserved at first, Alex had quickly opened up to Darren and his mom and both had grown to actually care for the guy. Darren made it a point to mention how good of a singer Alex was. He had no doubt he could give Michael a run for his money. I was hard pressed to believe that, though.
"Is he here with you?" Darren asked again.
"Alex?" Jay gave Darren an odd look before blinking it away. "Oh, he - he had some work stuff to do back in Austin. He really wanted to come down, though."
Darren nodded somberly. "He didn't want to come down, huh?"
Jay gave his brother a small smile. "Give him time. I'm sure he'll be able to join us for the holidays next year." He turned away from Darren and faced me. "And who's this beautiful girl?" He smiled in my direction and I noticed how beautifully white and straight his teeth were.
Damn, what he had a cute smile. I could only wonder if Jay would mature as nicely as his brother.
"Hi," I flashed him a flirty smile back. "Name's Diana."
"Nice to meet you, Diana," Jay shook my hand and pulled me in for a kiss on the cheek. "I'm Jay, Darren's older, much more attractive brother."
I laughed at his stupid joke and, although Darren rolled his eyes, I couldn't suppress a smile. Well, he wasn't wrong.
"And you would be?" Jay extended his hand to Michael and he took it in a tight handshake.
"I'm Michael, Darren's friend."
"Nice to meet you, too, Michael."
"Alright. Well, I'm glad you're here, Jay," Darren said as his brother sat back in the living room.
"Ha-ha. I know, I miss you too, little bro. Counting the days for you to graduate and come join us up in Austin."
"I can't wait." Darren made his way to the couch after offering Michael and me a seat on the brown living room couch. "You sure Alex would be okay with me crashing with y'all?"
"Of course he would - he loves you. How's school going, by the way? I remember junior year was one of my hardest. Senior year was more of a breeze," he said this with a grin aimed at Michael and me. I found it hard to not fall for the guy. He was charming, good-looking and very confident. It almost made me forget about the whole deal with Tay and Sam. Almost.
"Well, it's going good. I joined a choir club - Emanon. I'm sure you'd like it. Diana here is my mentor." Darren pointed at me and I gave him a coy smile. "We have a lesson this week - vulnerability. We're supposed to perform a song and show we can be vulnerable except none of us can really land on a song. We could really use your help, Jay."
"Vulnerability, huh?" Jay rubbed his chin and thought for a second. "Yeah, okay," he clapped his hands. "Well, that's a tough one. For that, you really have to dig deep - get in touch with the feelings that you try your hardest to push down. At the end of the day, being vulnerable is shedding that pretense - of saying the words you're feeling and tearing down the walls. You have to allow others to see the side of you that you rarely let others see.
"For me, I have always felt very vulnerable when it came to my love life. For the longest time I was always falling for the wrong person; I never knew what it was that I wanted. It was harder, still, when I knew I was having feelings for guys, feelings that I should have been having for girls." He gave us a shrug before continuing.
"When I met Alex, my current boyfriend, it had happened a few months after my last girlfriend, Brooke, broke up with me. At the time, he was going through something with an ex himself." A small, melancholic look crossed his face. "I remember how at ease I felt whenever I was with him, though. Our times together were some of the best times of my life but through all that, he still had feelings for his ex. It tore me up inside, his indecisiveness. I wanted him to feel for me what I felt for him. I wanted to stop having to share his feelings. Before we moved, he had been going back and forth about coming with me or staying and waiting for his ex. That night, waiting in my dorm, I was the most vulnerable I had ever been. I laid it all on the line and I was afraid I had lost him. Still, I wouldn't change a thing. Me being vulnerable that night is what finally got us to where we are today. We're happy. Even after all this time, though, I know there will always be a part that loves him back. You can't just shut those feelings out, after all."
I turned to see that both Darren and Michael were completely intrigued by his story – just as I was.
"And his ex -" I started.
"Sebastian."
"Sebastian," I repeated. "He stayed in this town?"
"Yeah," Jay nodded. "He has a daughter - Lily. Haven't really heard from him since."
Darren looked at his brother, I guess he was now just realizing how little of the story he actually knew. Still, after all this time, I was glad that it had worked out for Jay.
I studied Darren as he continued listening to his brother's story. He had an odd look in his face - I guess he was trying to guess if he had his brother's luck or Sebastian's.
"Is there any song you all had in mind, though?" Jay asked, his eyes scanning the three of us.
Darren raised his hand slightly. "I have a song I wanted to try, actually, Jay."
Jay smiled at his brother's eagerness to go first. "Let's see it, then, Darren."
Darren gave him a small nod before they switched seats so he was now the one facing the three of us.
With a shaky breath, Darren slowly strummed his guitar.
.
"I don't have much to give, but I don't care for gold.
What use is money, when you need someone to hold?
Don't have direction, I'm just rolling down this road.
Waiting for you to bring me in from out the cold."
.
Darren looked over at the three of us sitting in front of him while purposely avoiding Michael's eyes. Although the lesson of the week was to be vulnerable, it seemed he was unable to meet his crush's eyes, likely for fear that he'd see through his song like I had.
I could empathize with what he was feeling. Ever since last week's party, I had spent countless hours just reliving the moments I had spent before I saw Tay kiss Sam that night.
I would go through different talking points and conversations but they'd all end the same way in my head. We'd laugh about a joke one of us said, our faces would move closer and closer and meet in a slow and tender kiss. The sound of the waves behind my house would drown out everything but our heartbeats.
Unfortunately for me, those were all just the thoughts of a love-struck girl. Still, it was fun to close my eyes and believe in, even if it was for just a quick second, an unbelievable thing. She was with Sam now, even after all we had gone through in the past few months. She had chosen him and he had kissed her back.
.
"We sit in bars and raise our drinks to growing old.
Oh, I'm in love with you and you will never know.
But if I can't have you I'll walk this life alone.
Spare you the rising storms and let the rivers flow."
.
I hadn't realized how hard it'd be to even listen to songs from this week's lesson until Darren was singing it in front of such a small audience. It would have been easier to sing on stage as opposed to in front of Michael, I assumed. Even so, if any of us wanted to be successful and conquer our vulnerabilities, we had to at least look them in the eyes.
Cautious and slow, Darren raised his gaze and met Michael's eyes. His voice, for the first time since the song began, quivered.
Squinting my eyes, I focused on Darren's hands when I heard a small change in his guitar strumming. I could hear and feel his hands begin to shake as the fear of losing his composure and tempo made even me anxious.
I couldn't help it either as I realized my own legs were beginning to shake uncontrollably just thinking about Tay and Sam. Was this what being vulnerable was like? If it was, I didn't like it.
I noticed that Darren directed his gaze to his brother and Jay smiled back at him, shooting him a thumbs up. It was then that I noticed Darren take a deeper breath and catch his footing again. Looking at me, I noticed a pained look in his face. At first, I feared it was my shaking legs. I realized quickly that it must actually be him remembering my reaction at seeing Sam and Tay make out that night.
The feelings and thoughts racing through my mind were no stranger to him, I'm sure: to be so afraid that someone could become something you miss - something you yearn for - your entire life. I glanced in Jay's direction and thought about Alex and his ex, Sebastian. How terrifying it was to fall for someone in a way it takes a lifetime to get over.
.
"You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain.
Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name."
.
Despite how happy Jay said he and Alex were, I couldn't help but think about Sebastian. I didn't know the guy but I did know how much a heart hurt when it broke. Jay and Alex might be together now but that Sebastian guy would now have nothing but memories of his time with Alex.
I couldn't believe I was sympathizing with a guy I've never met but there I was. His Alex and Jay were my Sam and Tay.
Neither would ever really know how many nights one wasted doing nothing but thinking about them. They'd never spend sleepless night just reminiscing – being haunted by the memories. They'd never really feel the heartache that came when they kissed their lover in front of us. They'd never understand how much pain and longing hid behind a painted smile.
.
"Pack up and leave everything.
Don't you see what I can bring?
Can't keep this beating heart at bay."
.
Though I had been thinking of Michael and Darren throughout the song, a funny thought popped up. All of a sudden, Darren wasn't singing to or even about Michael - he was singing to Vanessa.
I pictured her chestnut brown hair, loosely cascading down her shoulders. I choked at the thought of her perfect figure, her beautiful smile, her striking brown eyes. To Darren, she was undoubtedly the luckiest girl in the world. Luck, you fickle bitch.
.
"Set my midnight sorrow free,
I will give you all of me
Just leave your lover, leave him for me
Leave your lover, leave him for me.
Leave your lover, leave him for me."
.
Still, no amount of luck on either end would stop Darren from being in love with Michael - I could see it in the way he looked at him. He was as lost and fucked as I was. Of that, I was sure.
Since I had known Vanessa, I had pretty much learned how tightly she held on to things. As Drew had repeatedly told me, she had a reputation for being very demanding and controlling in her own club. Most, if not all, of the important solos had to go to her. She had to have the last say in song choices as well as member recruits. Granted, she was president of her choir but that still didn't excuse her controlling nature.
If she was this way with her club, I could only imagine how she'd be with her guy. As much as I would have liked for Michael and Darren to end up together, I knew Vanessa would not let Michael go so easily.
I'm sure Darren knew this as well as me. That's why it must be so hard for him to have sung this in front of us - in front of Michael.
Darren ended his song by quietly fading out into a whisper. In the few seconds for this to register, a quiet and empty feeling settled in my stomach.
I couldn't help but think that everything would have been so much easier if both Darren and I had just left things at hello.
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Listening to Darren sing his song yesterday really shook me. Little did I know my heart wasn't done breaking for the week.
Throughout practice, I couldn't tear my eyes away from Sam and Tay. Every time I looked at her, my heart filled with petty jealousy. Even now, as she sat next to Sam and played with his jacket, my heart continued to break.
It was so pitiful, so miserably depressing, the shame of it made my stomach turn.
After all these weeks running around behind everyone's back, kissing secretly after practices, hiding little notes in each other's lockers - how could I feel anything at all other than heartbreak?
Falling for an underclassman, how perfectly silly of me.
After listening to another lesson from Mr. Garcia, my mind began to race at the thought of talking to her. If I didn't get this off of my chest I'd probably suffocate. When the practice finally came to an end, I waited for people to put away their instruments before slipping a note on the music stand in front of Tay's chair. Then I quickly packed my stuff and went to wait behind the gym, knowing there were no practices being held today.
I paced back and forth for what felt like hours, the full time going over what I would say to Tay over and over again. I would look her in the eye and tell her how much her dating Sam was hurting me.
Everything would be good.
Everything would be okay.
When I heard a throat clearing behind me, I stopped mid track and turned around.
"Tay," I said, my eyes immediately recognizing her features despite being a couple feet away.
"Diana," her hands crossed around her chest defensively as she walked closer to me. "You left me a note?" She reached into her back pocket and flashed me the paper I left her. She continued to look at me, her doe-y brown eyes meeting my crystal clear blue ones.
None of the scenarios I practiced started with what I said next.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
She winced and looked away. "Look, Diana. I'm not - I don't really have that much experience with this." She looked back at me and I could see, in her eyes, how torn she was, too.
"That's okay," I said. "I just - I - I like you, Tay," I confessed with a shrug. "And I – I miss you."
.
Hey Momma, how do you get a red wine stain
Out of your favorite dress?
Black mascara off a pillow case?
Cure a one-too-many headache?
.
Her brow furrowed and a look of remorse crossed her face. "Diana," she started.
"No, let me say this." I looked at her, my eyes pleading for her to listen. "I like you," I repeated. "A lot. When I'm with you, I can't help but smile - my day immediately gets brighter. The past weeks, the sleepovers, the hang outs, the getting lunches," I walked closer to her, our feet now just 3 feet apart. "Tell me you didn't feel a spark. That night we spent at my parent's place - tell me the kisses didn't feel right?" I stepped closer, only two feet away now. "Tell me waking up to each other the next morning wasn't the best memory of your life."
I raised my hand and stroked a strand of her hair. Was it always this soft? Our eyes met and I held them for a second. "Because it is for me," I continued. "I saw you, in the morning light, bushy haired and sleeping, and I thought about how beautiful you were. You were the most beautiful thing I had even seen. You can't tell me these past months running around behind everyone's back meant nothing to you when they meant everything to me."
.
Momma can I come and maybe stay a few days?
This weekend or next?
And hey, how do you get a red wine stain
Out of your favorite dress?
.
Her eyes began to cloud over. "This is all - it's just confusing to me. I don't even know if I'm gay, really," she shrugged.
I grabbed her arms, flustered she didn't get it. "Why does it matter? Why can't we just like each other for who we are not what's in our pants? I like you, Tay. I just - I want you to want me back. Only me," I said, my gut sinking at the thought of her with Sam.
"I -" for a moment, I saw a small glint of ... something but it disappeared just as fast. "I'm - I'm sorry, Diana. I'm starting to like Sam," my heart sank deeper with every shake of her head. "Maybe that's for the best," she shrugged. "You should leave, Di." She took a few steps back after this.
.
How does he sleep at night?
Mama the nerve of this guy.
To leave me so easy.
.
"But Tay," I froze in place, unable to move.
"No, really." Three feet, four, five - with each step she took, she was getting further and further away from me. I could almost hear the sad creaks of my bones as my shoulders sagged. "You should leave, I'm sorry for giving you the wrong idea for this long." She turned around and continued to walk away from me.
She didn't look back once.
I was, at least, a little bit glad that my eyes were already to clouded over to actually finish watching her leave.
Small blessings.
.
Am I gonna be alright?
I wanna kick myself for falling so hard.
Mama can you die from a broken heart?.
.
Teary eyed and vulnerable, I called Drew and asked if I could please drive to his place. He quickly agreed after I told him that no, I was definitely not okay. It took me only a couple of minutes to finally make it to his place. It took even less before I plopped myself on his living room couch.
"Drew, I just - I need a drink," I said, after I finally gained my composure enough to look at him.
His eyes just continued to look at me. "Diana, hey. What's wrong?"
"It's - it's a girl problem," I shrugged with tears in my eyes. "You got any wine?"
After catching him up with what had been going on for the past couple of months, Drew looked at me with kind eyes. "I'm so sorry, Di." He pulled me in for a hug and kissed my forehead. "I'll get us some wine." Finally, something to come out of someone's mouth that didn't feel like sandpaper to my heart.
After a quick buzz, I finally calmed down to think about something other than my tragic luck lately. "Well, I hope it goes better for Darren at least."
Drew looked up from his glass of wine and took a slow sip. "Darren? What do you mean?"
"The guy I'm mentoring. He has a huge crush on Michael." I took a long sip of wine and smiled thinking about the two. The buzz I was feeling was a welcome warmth as opposed to the throbbing numbness in my chest. "The poor guy is torn because Michael has a girlfriend but I think Michael might have a thing for him, too, though."
Drew nodded solemnly. "Why do you think that?"
I shrugged. "The way I catch them looking at each other - they are both so obvious. Back at the bonfire, Darren was love-struck with Michael. I caught him taking a picture of him, ha-ha. It was really cute actually. Also him deciding to sing just so Vanessa and Michael wouldn't have to duet. They'd be really cute together, though." I nodded and drank the last bit of my wine.
"Yeah, maybe," Drew agreed.
"Uf," I said, the wine finally getting to my head. "Can I just pass out in your couch?"
"Ha-ha. No you can't, princess. Your dad would kill me; he still thinks we're going out."
"Pft," I scoffed. "My folks are still out of town. They won't be back till Sunday. Maybe. They're stopping by Anaheim on their way back."
"Oh," Drew seemed to think about this for a second. "Well then my mom would kill me," he finished with a laugh. "Come on, I'll give you a ride back home. I'll drop you back after school so you can pick up your car."
"Thanks, Drewski." I managed to stand up and gave him a tight hug. "Love you."
"Love you too, princess."
It wasn't too hard finding a song showing me being vulnerable now. I could pretty much break down singing the alphabet right about now. The next day, I raised my hand when Mr. Garcia asked for volunteers to perform first. "If I don't sing this today, I won't be able to sleep," I had explained to him.
With the strum of my guitar ringing crisp and in key, I took a deep breath and sang my heart out.
.
"Can you ask daddy if he's got time
To come and look at my front door?
It got slammed last night
And now it don't close right."
.
Even as I sang, a feeling of loneliness crept up on me as I remembered the night of my first party. The memories wrapped around my throat and choked me with every one of them that flashed across my mind.
Those few minutes together had snowballed into hangouts after school, lunches together, secret meetups at my place and eventually a hook up. How could all those little talks about our life and our school and our families - how could all our time together- how could all that have meant nothing to her?
.
"And just promise that you won't tell him everything.
And keep that pistol in the drawer.
Mama please don't say I'm gonna laugh about this someday.
You didn't see the way he drove away."
.
I closed my eyes when I began to feel my eyes cloud over. Couldn't ask my momma much of anything anymore. She had passed away from breast cancer when I was 6. It took my dad years to get over his broken heart. He finally remarried a few years ago. My new step mom, Cindy, was nice but she couldn't fill the void my mom had left. It was heartbreaking to know that I'd already known Cindy for more than I had known my own mom.
Cindy and dad weren't home much with their job or their travels either. A traveling real estate agent and a doctor always on call, my new family consisted of two very busy adults and one very selfish daughter. I didn't want to make my dad feel guilty because they were out there working for a living.
Instead, I continued to sing, imagining my mom actually sitting in an empty chair in front. One of the few memories I had was a blurry one of her smiling at a ballet recital of mine – the last one she had been able to go to. That smile was the one I imagined and sang to now.
.
"Can your knees give out from praying so hard?
Can you go blind from crying in the dark?
Was it ever really real
If he don't feel like I feel?"
.
My eyes met Tay's from across the room but I blinked and turned away quickly. I couldn't force her to like me back but she also couldn't force me to look at her be all happy and carefree with Sam. Like there was no way this wasn't killing me.
Was nothing as real as I had thought? Could everything have been that one-sided?
I almost laughed at the absurdity of my heartache when, clearly, Tay wasn't losing any sleep about this. Her eyes were as bright and alert as someone who got a full night's sleep.
The nerve of her.
.
"Momma, the nerve of this guy
To leave me so easy.
Am I gonna be alright?
How does he sleep at night?
Momma, the nerve of this guy
To leave me so easy
Am I gonna be alright?"
.
I'd be alright because I had to.
Looking around the room at my peers, I realized why vulnerability was more than a musical lesson. I wasn't allowing these people to just come and hear me sing. I was sharing with them a part of my life, a pain I was feeling as real and personal as my singing was. When this song ended, they could forget the words and the melodies but I would never forget the heartache. It would continue to throb inside me like an aching tooth and not let me forget it even after I left this stage.
.
"I wanna kick myself for falling so hard.
Momma, can you die from a broken heart?
A broken heart."
.
I finished my song with a rawness in my throat. I waited patiently for the applause to quiet down before thanking my friends and walking off stage. I did my best to avoid looking in Tay's direction.
This brokenness inside me might heal enough to where I wouldn't want to die when I looked at her ... but that time was not yet here.