DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimers apply. If you are underage (18 or 21, depending) and/or are offended by mature themes including consensual sexual contact between teen males, then DO NOT continue. This work is entirely fictional and any resemblances to persons (other than myself) either living or dead, is entirely coincidental. If you wish to reprint this story, just drop me an email letting me know where, and make sure you give me (Menzo) credit.
Feel free to give me criticism; my writing is far from perfect! Comments are very much appreciated, so please drop me a quick email at menzoberranzen_of_the_drow@yahoo.com
I finally got over my writers block, and finished this chapter. I also figured out where I'm going from here, so yay! Writing the latter part of this story has been draining on me, and I apologize for the horribly long waits between chapters, but I really had to just put this story down and write something else for a while. Anyway, to those of you who are still reading this, thanks for your patience, and I hope you Enjoy the Ride.
~Menzo
Chapter 11 - Time for Myself
I had long since accepted that I was a very emotional person, and it didn't really bother me. But that week, I would have given anything to turn off the damn waterworks. There is only so much a guy can cry before it starts to grate on people's nerves. As I had during past hardships, I started bottling up my emotions during the day and then bawling my eyes out lying in bed with Jesse at night.
I was also frustrated with my lack of knowledge. After I had called the cops they had arrived quietly and escorted Julian and Keegan to the police station. Their father went, handcuffed, in another car. I hadn't seen, let alone spoken to Julian since that day, and after taking my statement, the police had told me there was nothing more I could do. I didn't see Julian at school, and so I had absolutely no idea where he was.
I devoted all of my spare time to decorating for the big party that was coming up on Saturday. I wasn't sure I was up for it myself, but planning the most lavish, overdone affair that I could, was fun. Ben and I shared a similar flair for extravagance and we amused ourselves to no end trying to cram the party into our limited budget.
Friday finally rolled around and I spent the afternoon staring at the impossibly slow clock mounted on my classroom wall. I was eager to get away from school for the weekend and try to stop thinking about things. Thinking, I had decided, was better left for happy times. I had already called to cancel with Nancy, much to Jesse's frustration.
The bell rang and I was out the door before it the noise had fully ceased. As I rushed to my locker to put my books away I was stopped by a dour looking girl whom I didn't recognize.
"Jamie?" she asked, unsure.
"Yes?" I responded slowly. I racked my brains for a name, but none came to me.
"It's Chantal."
"Sorry, but do I know you?" I asked bluntly. I was in no mood to dick around with niceties.
"Ahh, no, I don't think so." I waited for her to continue, and was slightly annoyed when she didn't. I wanted to get out of that damn school.
"Well?" I asked curtly.
"I'm a friend of Julian's..." That certainly peaked my curiosity, and I was suddenly in less of a hurry to leave. "And I wanted to thank you."
"Thank me?"
"Yeah, for doing what you did. He needed someone to do that for him."
"I doubt he sees it that way," I said bitterly.
"Well, for what it's worth, you did the right thing."
"I know," I sighed heavily.
"Well, I'll see you around," she said as she turned to leave. I nodded sadly and turned to leave. Of course this would be the day I'd have to pass Derek James in the hallway on my way out the door. I prayed that he would just leave me alone, but that was not to be.
"Hey Jamie, I hear you've been crying in the bathrooms? Is that true?"
Normally I would have been glad for such a tame taunt, but it stopped me in my tracks. I had most certainly not been crying in the bathroom - hell, I hadn't even acted upset at school - and I wanted to know why he would say something like that.
"What the fuck are you talking about, Derek?" I snapped, turning to face him.
"Oh, I dunno," he grinned malevolently. "Just a rumor going around."
"Don't fuck with me Derek," I said, foolishly advancing towards him. "Who told you that?"
"Why? Is it true?"
"Answer me!" I practically screamed.
"Oh, you know, just because you like him doesn't mean he likes you."
My eyes widened and Derek's face lit up with an evil smile, obviously aware he had struck a nerve. I raised my hand - more in an attempt to vent my anger and frustration than anything - but I was saved again by Aaron.
"Whoa, calm down Jamie," he called, running over to grab me by the shoulders. I didn't struggle, and settled for glaring daggers at Derek. This was a rare time when he had the upper hand and as such didn't feel the need to respond. He just walked away with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.
"You shouldn't get into anymore fights, Jamie," scolded Aaron. "And don't you dare tell me he started it."
"I don't like him," I said unproductively.
"Come on, the party starts in a couple hours. You've gotta make sure Jesse gets there and doesn't suspect anything."
"Will do." I sighed again. Getting Jesse there unawares had necessarily involved the aid of Katie, and I dreaded dealing with her again. Nevertheless, I opened my cell phone and called her to go over the plan with her again. Jesse had already gone to pick her up and so I was left to hitch a ride home with Aaron and Liz. Matt and Ben were doing the finishing touches, so I was left with nothing to do for the afternoon. I was exhausted, though, so I wasn't complaining.
I didn't like doing nothing when I had so much going on, so I went for a long run which did wonders to make me calm down after my altercation with Derek. By the time I returned from running, had a shower and got dressed, it was time for me to get Jesse over to the party. I dialed his cell-phone number and listened to it ring, praying he'd pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Jesse."
"Oh, hi Jamie. You feeling alright?"
"Just fine," I said a bit sharply. I was getting tired of people asking me that all the time. "I was wondering if you wanted to meet me at Matt's house in a while. Maybe catch a movie or something."
"That's perfect! Katie's just going over there to meet Liz. I'll catch a ride with her."
I smiled; things had gone exactly according to plan.
"Great, I'll see you there."
"Bye."
Hanging up the phone, I checked my hair in the mirror and eventually decided that I was dressed suitably for the party. I grabbed the gift I had bought and wrapped for Jesse, and then took his keys from the dish on the hall table. The drive from our house was significantly shorter than the one from Katie's, and I arrived just in time to see the last few people trickle into Matt's capacious house.
The outside of the house had no decorations on it - so as to maintain the surprise for as long as possible - but as soon as one stepped into the foyer, there were streamers and balloons hanging from every conceivable location. The most eye-catching feature was the carved ice statue that Aaron had somehow acquired for us. The three-tiered carving also doubled as an elegant serving bowl for the punch that I had made from scratch. The party was primarily a birthday celebration for Jesse, but Matt being Matt, it was also an excuse for him to invite a whole host of people who barely knew Jesse and were just there for the booze. Liz and I shooed them all upstairs and she, Matt and I waited nonchalantly by the door.
After a few minutes of idle waiting, we heard a car pull into the driveway. Matt shouted to them to get ready, and Liz opened the door to greet them, careful not to expose the silver and black decorations.
"Hey guys," I called cheerfully. Katie glowered at me, and Jesse beamed.
"Hi Liz," said Katie.
"Come on in," invited Matt, stepping to one side.
Katie stepped aside to let Jesse enter first. He looked surprised at the decorations, but before he could open his mouth to speak, we all yelled "surprise" as the guests all rushed back into the foyer to greet him.
"Wow!" he laughed, looking around at the assembled people.
"Happy birthday, Jesse," I smiled, throwing my arms around him.
"My birthday isn't until next month."
"That's what makes it a surprise, silly," snorted Matt, already opening the bottles.
"Thanks so much guys," said Jesse. "Well, what are we waiting for? Lets party!"
Partying with Matt is never a relaxed affair, but this was intense even by his standards. People continued arrive throughout the evening, and after an hour less than half the people present had been there at the beginning. Music was blasting from his expensive sound system, and the air was hot and sticky as people danced and drank in the confined space. The back doors were thrown wide open onto a large terrace where some people were enjoying the fresh, cool air. Others were using it as a place to smoke without suffocating everyone else at the party.
Bad habit or not, drinking had always served as a convenient way to forget about my problems, and tonight was no exception. I also very much enjoyed mixing drinks, and so that had become my unofficial duty over the course of the long, long evening. Jesse was seemingly attached to Katie's hip, and I had lost all track of my other friends. I've always found it interesting how parties seemed to transcend friendships. On several occasions I spotted people I knew that Matt hated, and at one point I even thought I saw Derek James laughing with some of his friends.
When there was finally nobody lining up for a drink, I took the chance to extract myself from the oppressive heat of the house. Weaving my way towards the back patio, I passed Dorian and Alex and silently wondered if Julian had found his way to this particular party. It seemed like something that would happen to me.
"Julian was looking for you, Jamie," called Alex, detaching himself from Dorian's mouth. I sighed inwardly and turned to face the other boy.
"If he asks, I went that way," I said, pointing upstairs. Alex laughed and turned back to the makeshift dance floor. I finally made it to the cool air of the spring night but I hadn't even the time to savor the crisp air before my gaze fell upon the very person I wished to avoid.
"Hello," he said tonelessly.
"Hello Julian," I replied, infinitely grateful that I had already had several drinks.
"How could you?"
"Why are you here?" I demanded.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" he screamed, startling me. "I told you to mind your own fucking business? Do you have any idea what you've done."
He was yelling - rather loudly - and all I could do was look at him as he raged. I didn't know whether to yell back or to cry. I just stared ahead stoically as all of my doubts came rushing back to the surface.
"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Nothing," I said at last.
"Nothing?" he repeated incredulously. "I hope you didn't expect to win me over like that, because any chance you ever had is gone."
"Well," I snapped. "So be it. At least I can wake up every morning, look in the mirror and know I did the right thing. If you're still too blind to see you needed help, that's not my problem any more."
"Help? I never fucking needed your help. And you certainly haven't given me any? Do you know where Keegan is now? Do you? He's living with some foster family on the other side of town. It's all you're fucking fault, because you have no fucking idea what it's like!"
"You'd be surprised," I whispered as tears started forming in my eyes. I felt hands clasp my shoulders and I gratefully reached up to pull those arms around me as I heard several sets of footsteps behind me. Julian opened his mouth to speak, but Lily cut him off.
"Enough, Julian. This is not the time or the place for this."
He glared daggers at her - and at me - but he said nothing as he brushed past me and swept out the door. Once he was finally out of sight, I could no longer contain my tears and I turned to bury my face in Jesse's chest. He didn't say anything, and he just rubbed his hand over my head as I cried. I pulled myself together and withdrew from his embrace.
"I'm sorry," I said thickly. I wiped the tears from my face and tried to put on a smile.
"What for?" he asked quizzically. I noticed Katie was standing a few feet away from us, glowering as usual.
"It's your birthday party," I mumbled.
"So? You can still cry. You've gone through a lot of shit lately, I think my party can take backseat to that."
"Thanks Jess," I smiled. "Let's go grab a drink. Or a smoke, for that matter."
"I'm wiped," he replied. "Let's just go home before we both pass out."
I was torn between the desire to do exactly as he suggested and the desire to let him enjoy his own party. In the end, I had to put myself first and I just nodded tiredly. He threw an arm over my shoulder and started to lead me back into the house.
"He's not gay, you know!" snapped an icy voice from behind me. I spun around, at the same time as everyone else, to face Katie. Her face was red, and she looked livid.
"What?" I demanded.
"You heard me. He's not gay, so just leave him alone!"
Lily's mouth fell open in shock and Jesse looked at a loss for words. Ben - who had apparently also joined us outside - looked furious.
"How dare you?" I breathed, before anyone else could speak. "You have no fucking idea what my life is like. He's my best friend, and because of that he's there for me - whatever that may mean. And because of that, I don't say anything when he starts dating some bitch, despite what I may think. It's not my place to say who he can and cannot date, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and let you try to make me feel guilty about anything. You said it yourself; he's not gay. So why are you worried?"
Lily had turned her open-mouth stare to me, and Ben looked mildly impressed. Jesse just looked livid and it was only years of friendship that assured me he was angry at her, and not me.
"Let's go," was all he said. I could feel his fingers digging into my arm as he forcefully pushed me towards the door.
"Jess, I'm sorry about earlier," I said quietly as he got into the bed.
"Don't worry about it," he insisted. "You know I'd rather be here with you than at the party."
I looked at him flatly.
"It would have been over anyway," he sighed. "I should have known that from the beginning."
"Yes, I know that too. But it wasn't my place to say those things to her."
"She had it coming," he laughed. "I would have said the same thing if Dorian had ever said that to me."
I laughed, and it felt good. Julian lingered, as ever, in the back of my mind but I pushed him ruthlessly to my subconscious.
"Good night Jamie," he said softly, turning out his light. I murmured a response, and pressed my body closer to his. I needed the closeness right then, and the warmth of his body beside mine was comforting.
Sometimes rough patches in life make you harder; other times they make you more vulnerable. For me, it seemed that my life had just been one disaster after another. I was finally starting to really get over the trauma of being kicked out of home - to put it mildly - when I felt the need to shoulder Julian's problems as well. Should I have just thrown in the towel and let him go his own way? Perhaps. But despite the grief it had given me, I still felt I had done the right thing.
At the suggestion (or insistence, depending on how you looked at it) of all my friends, I had utterly put Julian out of my mind. I worked on my own issues; I started seeing Nancy on a regular basis and I began the long process of healing. The biggest problem, I found, was how general and ambiguous my emotions were. I could cope with the tangible aftermath of everything, but my volatile state of mind was a bigger problem. I think I could honestly say that I had put the past - at least so much as it pertained to my family - behind me, but that didn't change the fact that I was constantly on the verge of tears and much more prone to mood swings than I had been before.
I wasn't depressed, but I was definitely going through an uncertain period of my life where I needed to figure some things out. As always, Jesse was my rock. I made sure not to suffocate him - neither of us needed that - but I always knew that I had a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to me.
With Nancy's help, I came to realize that helping Julian had never been the issue. I was trying to help myself - albeit a bit too late. I saw in him what I had experienced myself, and not being fully over the event, I had invested myself in his problems. I was still certain I had done the right thing, even if for the wrong reasons, but it was now time for me to take care of myself. The final months of my junior year passed quickly, and I started to deepen the relationships I had.
Jesse's parents and I became closer, my friendships with Ben, Matt and Liz flourished, and I started to feel at peace with myself. When June rolled around, there was only one thing I really felt I needed: time to be alone. Because of my closeness with Jesse, I had never really taken anytime to withdraw from the world and bask in my own presence. I felt that the final key for me to move on, was to be alone for a while. Some things were meant to be dealt with in solitude. And I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
It took a lot of cajoling and begging, but when Nancy said it was a good idea, Susan and Dave could only agree. I was going to Paris, and I was going alone. They took some of the money my parents had reluctantly given to them - I was all but assured of getting a scholarship with my grades and cross-country performance - and gave it to me for my week in France. They were afraid to let me go alone, but I would be 17 when I left, and they admitted I could handle myself well. They oversaw every detail and made sure I had countless contacts in both the US and the UK, and three weeks after the school was out, we were driving to the nearest airport.
"OK, lets go over this one more time," said Dave as we pulled into the parking lot.
"NO," shouted Susan, Jesse and I simultaneously. "We've been through this a thousand times."
"Ok, ok, don't snap my head off," he laughed. "I just want you to be safe."
"I know," I sighed. "And thanks again for letting me go."
"No problem; you have fun."
"I'm jealous, you lucky bastard," laughed Jesse.
"Hey, you know I would have invited you any other time..."
"I was joking," he said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Just go, and have some fun! You definitely deserve it."
"Thanks," I smiled, giving him a big hug. He patted my back, and then we got out of the car.
There was no line up in the airport, and within half an hour I was ready to go through security. Dave looked like he might just punch the guard and follow me through anyway, Susan looked nervous and a little sad, and Jesse just looked happy. He had been with me through thick and thin over the past year, and nothing pleased him more than to see me smiling. Between Dorian, Julian, my parents and intense therapy sessions, it had been a far too infrequent occurrence.
I said my goodbyes, gave them all big hugs, and promised to bring back fabulous gifts from the City of Lights. I loved flying, and the long trip with stops in New York and London was no problem with me. I was bumped up to first-class on the transatlantic flight, and as I reclined back, sipped tonic water and lime and watched classic movies, I felt on top of the world.
Comments, criticisms and suggestions are all very welcome. I write because I enjoy it, but I post them here for you so please let me know what you think of the story.
Menzoberranzen_of_the_drow@yahoo.com
~Menzo