DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimers apply. If you are underage (18 or 21, depending) and/or are offended by mature themes including consensual sexual contact between teen males, then DO NOT continue. This work is entirely fictional and any resemblances to persons (other than myself) either living or dead, is entirely coincidental. If you wish to reprint this story, just drop me an email letting me know where, and make sure you give me (Menzo) credit.
Feel free to give me criticism; my writing is far from perfect! Comments are very much appreciated, so please drop me a quick email at menzoberranzen_of_the_drow@yahoo.com
~Menzo
Right...Looong wait, I know but things have been really hectic and after my last chapter (thanks to all of you who said it was good) I thought I should take a break from writing. I hope you haven't all forgotten about it (I mean it hasn't been that long) and enjoy chapter 6.
"Enjoy the Ride"
Chapter 6 - Trials and Tribulations
"How was your night out?" asked Jesse and Lily simultaneously when I walked in the house.
"Oh, it was fine," I said. I was a bit too casual, it would seem, because they both stopped what they were doing to look at me.
"What?" I blushed.
"Come on," Jesse teased. "Spill it!"
"Nothing," I insisted. "We had dinner, chatted for a while and I drove him home."
"And...?" questioned Lily. I sighed, and readied myself for the teasing that was sure to come. I was no good at keeping secrets from them.
"And...he kissed me," I mumbled. Jesse let out a cackle of laughter and Lily's face split into a grin. "It's hardly cause for laughter," I snapped.
"Aw, come on Jamie. It's sweet." Jesse did an admirable job of containing his amusement.
"At least he wasn't wearing lipstick," I said slyly. Jesse's first girlfriend had been wearing cheap lipstick when they first kissed. He never noticed until he got home and his parents and me were rolling around on the floor laughing. He tinged pink at the memory but laughed it off.
"So, is there a second date?" asked Lily.
"I think there might be," I replied. My thoughts drifted to Julian, but he was taken.
"Well, best of luck with it!"
"Thanks," I smiled.
"Oh, there's a party at Ben's house tomorrow. You wanna come?"
"Yeah - but make sure I don't do anything stupid again, ok?"
"Ok," he laughed. "I'm gonna get to bed. See you in the morning!"
Saturday was a leisurely day for me. I went out for breakfast with Lily while Jesse went to see Ryan for a while. We had a pleasant breakfast and ended up talking for quite a while. I had always liked Lily a lot but since moving in with her, I got to know her much better than I had before.
She was in her senior year of high school and quite the scholar. Being only a year older than us, we hung out in some of the same circles. Lily had always been very responsible and sometimes the age gap seemed much larger than a year. Still, she was a wonderful person to be around and I found myself grateful for her company.
Ryan and Jesse had a biology project they were working on, so I was on my name for the day. Eventually, I rounded up Liz and Ben and we went shopping for the party that night. Again, since switching schools I had been spending far more time with them and I was growing quite fond of them. Aaron also seemed like a good guy, even if we had different interests. I got bombarded with the expected questions about Dorian but I was starting to get a bit worried about something.
"Liz," I asked. "Everybody seemed to know Dorian liked me - except me, of course - how much did he say?"
"What do you mean?" she asked curiously.
"Well, I'm not looking for a really serious relationship right now, and I don't know if he is or not."
"I doubt it," Ben said. "He gets these infatuated crushes sometimes, but I don't think he has ever had a long-term boyfriend."
"Not surprising, though, considering he isn't out and the...limited selection available."
Ben smiled and assured me that Dorian wouldn't push anything on me and I felt somewhat reassured. I still needed to talk to him about the kiss. I had eventually kissed him back, but after that he just said goodnight and left the car.
I forgot all about my 'relationship' angst and had a surprisingly fun time shopping and setting up for the party that night. Aaron showed up at the house a few hours early 'to help out.' Oddly enough, Ben and I seemed to have a much larger workload after he arrived. Getting absorbed in menial tasks was a nice change from work and worry. In what seemed like no time, everything was ready and guests were showing up. To my chagrin, one of the first people to arrive was Dorian. I wasn't avoiding him per se, but I would have preferred meeting him alone somewhere. Of course, not being out to the majority of the guests, he just said a general hello, in his endearingly shy way and helped himself to a screwdriver.
"Hey," he said more personally when he caught me alone for a moment.
"Hi," I said, not sure what else to say.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
I breathed a sigh of relief: "Thanks. I was a bit worried; I've never done this before. So...lunch on Monday?"
"Yeah, sure," he smiled. We didn't see much of each other for the rest of the somewhat crazy night. As parties with Ben tended to be, there was a lot of booze. Not many drugs, but by the time everyone had left and it was just our little group of friends, I was barely able to stand. Jesse and I ended up crashing in the living room and the next thing I knew, it was morning and my head was pleading for Advil.
Sunday had been something of a write-off for me, but after a mundane Monday morning, things began to pick up.
"Hey Jamie, you coming?" Dorian called to me around the throng of people milling around in the hallway.
"Right, lunch," I said grinning. I had forgotten all about it but I stuffed my brown bag lunch into some kid's hands and made my way over to Dorian, who was standing beside a very, very old Chevy.
"This your car?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said, shyly. He was obviously quite embarrassed. "I know it's not much to look at..."
"Hey, it's better than not having any car, right?" I smiled and got into the front seat, searching in vain for a seatbelt. We chit-chatted for a while during the drive, but once we sat down and ordered lunch things took a serious turn. Lunch became a long affair full of heavy conversation. I was suddenly very aware of how little we knew about each other. I danced around my past as much as I could, and he mercifully didn't ask too much. I also got the distinct feeling that he was hiding something about himself; but it would be a while before I learned what. But even sticking to safer topics, there was still a lot to talk about.
We got back to school, and I stepped out of the car just in time to see my favorite person; Derek James.
"Nice ride, Stevens," he called to Dorian, who timidly looked away.
"Oh shove it, Derek," I said, sticking up for my friend.
"Ohh, pretty-boy defending his boyfriend," he cat-called.
"Well, I am pretty..."
"Faggot!"
"Gotta be one to know one," I called childishly. I didn't like descending into these types of arguments. I preferred a calm, sarcastic and witty approach.
"Real original there, White. So, have a nice date?"
"Lunch was excellent," I said noncommittally. "How was eating alone?"
"Better than eating with a faggot," he sneered.
"Oh," I called as I walked away. "So that's why nobody ever eats with you!"
Apparently I'd hit a nerve but the fortuitous appearance of a teacher saved me from any further confrontation and I quickly walked towards my locker.
"Thanks for backing me up there," I playfully teased Dorian.
"Hey, I didn't ask you to stick up for me," he said sharply. "Anyway, gotta go get something in my locker." And with that, he left me standing, mouth agape, in the hallway. I cursed loudly, startling some passerby and stormed off to my next class. I didn't get, I decided, and I would never get Dorian. Fuming, I walked into my next class, somewhat late. Without a word to the teacher I walked over to where Liz was sitting and sat down with a thump.
"He will be the death of me," I said, a bit too loudly, receiving a glare from the teacher.
It was a rather dull week and, aside from my annoyance with Dorian, it felt disturbingly...normal. I had track practice on Tuesday and got a chance to chat with Julian for a while afterwards, which was nice. He made Dorian seem outgoing but he had reached some semblance of comfort with me and we had a nice conversation. Dorian never explained his strange outburst, but he did apologize and we resumed our somewhat more-than-friendly relationship. Things were progressing slowly, and a bit roughly, but we were making progress.
Nights were still a source of great pain for me and not one went by without vivid memories or some silent tears. I had also come to value my runs in the morning above all else. It was one hour where there was nobody but me and I could just lose myself in the cool breeze that was omnipresent early in the morning. I suppose it was good, in a way, that my feelings - mush as I liked to deny them - and emotions had some outlet, I knew that Jesse was becoming increasingly worried. He worried too much about me, I thought, but I was extraordinarily grateful for it when things got really rough and I couldn't face myself alone.
And that is exactly what happened on Friday. I don't know what, if anything, set it off but not long after I had turned out my lights, that day began to replay itself in my head. I usually glossed over details, and cried more over what had been lost than the event - which still made me cringe to think about - itself. Not tonight, however, and my mind conjured up a scene so powerfully real that I soon became trapped within my own mind. It's hard to explain to one who hasn't experienced the phenomenon, but at that moment there was no difference between my warm bed and the cold, ceramic floor of my mother's immaculate hallway. I don't know how long I was reliving the memory - time seemed to blur and each blow, each cutting insult dragged on for a small eternity - but when I finally came back to reality, Lily was standing over me with her hands on my shoulders. She was speaking, I could tell, but I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't make out the words. I heard footsteps come running down the hall and Jesse appeared, as he did faithfully every time he heard me cry, in the door way.
"Shit, Jamie, are you ok?" he asked, rushing over to kneel beside me. He seemed at a bit of a loss for words and after a meaningful glance to his sister, he gently grabbed my arm and helped me up. I wasn't crying, but I had a far away look on my face and I was shaking quite a bit. I aimlessly followed him to his room and lay down on the bed while he left the room. He reappeared a short while later with a mug of tea in his hands. He passed me the cup and I took a small sip, feeling comforted by the warm liquid.
"Sorry 'bout this," I mumbled, warming my hands with the hot mug. I received only a flat stare telling me not to be silly, in return. He got in bed beside me and silently opened a book while I drank my tea. We just sat there in perfect silence until I could no longer pretend to be interested in the cold dregs of my tea; Jesse hadn't turned the page in over 5 minutes.
"It was like I was there," I whispered slowly, breaking the silence. He turned to me, a pained look in his eyes and opened his mouth as if to speak. There was nothing he could really say to help and instead he just settled for placing a hand on my arm. Feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, I finally realized the simple thing I had been craving for almost a month - a hug. I wordlessly leaned over and wrapped my arms around his bare chest in a big embrace. He responded immediately and words cannot express the great comfort I took in that small gesture. My family had never been one to physically express emotion - or express it at all, really - and Jesse and I, being friends, had never really felt the need to hug. I suppose, hanging around with girls at school and leading a happy life had never made me crave affection in that way. Alannah had greeted me almost everyday of my life with a big bear hug.
I eventually pulled away and murmured my thanks in his ear.
"Any time," he said softly. "Anytime." There was no reason for us to talk; I certainly wasn't about to have any meaningful discussion about my emotions and feelings and Jesse had obviously come to the same conclusion. He said goodnight, and reached over to turn off the light. I fell asleep soon after, feeling secure with Jesse's arm draped comfortingly over my body.
I had hoped for Saturday to be an enjoyable carefree day off but, alas, that was not to be. It turned into one long, painful continuation of Friday night, and I sincerely regretted waking up in the morning.
When I did get up, I knew something was unusual by the empty bed beside me. Jesse never got up before me and, sure enough, looking at the clock revealed the time to be 11:00. I groaned loudly and leapt out of bed; I hated wasting my day in bed. By the time I showered and dressed, it was 11:30 and half my day was gone.
"Hey sleepy head," called Jesse as I walked into the kitchen. Not running in the morning felt strange to me.
"Hi. Why did you turn off my alarm?" I asked bluntly.
"I thought you could use a little extra sleep. But...perhaps food will improve your mood?"
I looked at the proffered pancakes and involuntarily grinned. "Thanks," I said, helping myself to what appeared to be a whole-wheat, blueberry pancake. He knew better than to try and feed me unhealthy food in the morning. So, despite my late rise, the morning began pleasantly enough. It was a short lived peace though.
I was drinking a large cup of coffee, and poring over the daily crossword when the doorbell rang. Jesse looked up with a strange hesitation, and went to answer it. Too immersed in the crossword to really notice the bell, I glanced up at the newcomer and suddenly felt sick to my stomach as the tall, willowy girl ran over to me and gave me a familiar bear hug.
"Hi Alannah," I said reservedly, shooting a glare over her shoulder to Jesse who looked quite unapologetic. Torn between her great happiness at seeing me for the first time since I had quite literally fallen out of her life and a desire to yell at me for avoiding her, she settled for squeezing me tighter.
"Where on earth have you been Jamie?" she demanded finally. I sighed heavily and looked into her eyes.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said curtly. "Suffice it to say I have taken up residence here and am no longer on speaking terms with my family."
She opened her mouth, but I didn't let her get a word in. "It's lovely to see you again," I lied. "We must go out and catch up."
Apparently she was not fooled, and she looked up at me with a determined look. "Come on," she protested. "What happened?" She usually succeeded in bullying secrets out of me, but not this time.
"Drop it," I said sharply.
"Jamie!" Jesse interjected, seeing the hurt look on her face.
"What?!" I demanded. "I told you I wasn't ready to see her yet and I'm not going to push myself into something."
He did have the decency to look somewhat abashed, but Alannah only seemed perturbed and angry.
"Why the hell don't you want to see me?" she asked in a laudably calm voice.
"I told you; I don't want to talk about it. You're here already, so lets go do...something." I was firm, but trying my best to appease everybody. Alas, letting things go was not Alannah's strong point and she didn't really understand the concept of the word 'problem.'
"Jamie, we're not doing anything until you talk to me about your parents."
"Fine," I retorted. "We're not doing anything." With that, I started walking upstairs.
"Jamie White!" she called, in what was supposed to be a humorous, yet firm tone.
"Fine!" I roared, spinning around on my heels. "You really want to know? Do you?" I never waited to find out, I was so furious with her and Jesse.
"My fucking parents beat the shit out of me and kicked me out because I'm a fucking faggot!" I was screaming, and in the dead silence that followed, my words echoed in the large kitchen.
I won't deny that a little part of me had hoped I was wrong but her reaction lived up to my worst fears.
"What?" she said incredulously. "You cannot be serious..."
I didn't say anything and Jesse looked horrified. Her look of disbelief and concern was soon replaced with a visceral disgust.
"To think my best friend could be a fucking cocksucker..."
"Get out!" roared Jesse. I had lost the will to fight her - I still didn't want to believe it was happening. Part of me wanted to retaliate but I found myself strangely powerless to do anything.
She continued her scathing tirade and I was reminded, in sickening fashion, of another day not so long ago when I hadn't had the courage to stand up for myself. I tried to shut it out, but her face loomed before me and every word seemed to come out in slow motion, perfectly articulated and perfectly cutting.
"You bitch," Jesse spat as he grabbed her arms and dragged her out of the kitchen. She managed to free her arms and slapped Jesse across the face. His usual stoicism and chivalrous manner was lost, and he literally picked her up and threw her out onto the porch. I watched the spectacle from what felt like someone else's perspective. When Jesse shut the door, I dropped my head and walked, zombie-like, into the living room where I collapsed on the couch.
Jesse came running in behind me, his face an apologetic mask. I wanted to get angry with him for calling her, but I couldn't muster the energy. I needed him far more than I needed to blame someone for what had happened. He walked over to where I was lying down and gently lifted my head up so he could slide in underneath it. He laid my head back down on his lap and ran his fingers through my hair.
"Jamie..." he began hesitantly. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I just thought that..."
"Forget it. I know you were just trying to help me out." I smiled up at him, surprisingly calm and totally honest. It's remarkable how well the mind can shut things out. "I think I'm going to go for a run."
I started to get up, but I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. "Jamie, don't pretend this doesn't affect you. I saw your face in there - you can't bottle it all up inside."
"Why not," I questioned, more to the cosmos than to Jesse. "I have no more tears to shed for these people."
"Tears for yourself, then?" he asked.
"Self-pity is unbecoming. I cry more than enough as it is, I'm sure you don't want any more tears from me." I shook of his hand and stood up.
"Fuck Jamie, don't," he pleaded, his soft brown eyes looking right into my own cold gray ones. He stood up and continued. "We've been through this time and again; I don't care how much you cry. I'm not going to let you self-destruct because you won't talk about it."
"Please," I said, grabbing his arms. "Not now, please. I need some alone time. We'll talk later about this but I...I can't right now. You have no idea..." I trailed off, not liking where that train of thought was leading me.
"Promise?" he asked.
"Promise," I smiled. He nodded his assent, and I went to get my running clothes.
Running provided me with a much needed escape. Well, perhaps I really needed a release, but I was willing to settle for escape right about then. With nothing but the fresh scent of the park and the music in my ears, I transcended my problems and managed, for just a little while, to enjoy myself. It is my policy not to think when I run, but looking back in hindsight, I was in a minor state of shock. It wasn't as bad as the affair with my parents, but losing a trusted friend is always difficult, especially after the rough month I had had.
I ran for a long time and when I finally came back to the park entrance, I was feeling rather free and alive, and I dreaded returning to reality. I suppose I knew that Jesse was right - I couldn't go on as if nothing had happened - but I didn't have to like it. I decided, instead, to go to Starbucks for a while and have some espresso.
I walked into the crowded restaurant and was mildly disappointed as I scanned the bar for Julian but saw no sign of him. I ordered my drink and sat down in a secluded spot by the door. It was one of those days, however, and after only about 5 minutes, Dorian walked into the restaurant. Being by the door as I was, there was no avoiding him and, after ordering, he came and sat down with me.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I've been better," I said wearily.
"Care to talk about it?"
"Not really," I said simply. I'm sure he had lots of questions, but he wisely decided not to push it. We made idle chit-chat for a while when my day took yet another downhill turn. Alannah didn't come to this area of the city very often, but I should have known that Starbucks would have been her first stop. I froze as she walked in but she either didn't see me or totally ignored me.
"What is it, Jamie?" asked Dorian. I didn't answer, and I scrambled around trying to get all my things together so I could leave. No such luck, and as I turned back to Dorian she came walking back, a cup in her hand.
"I'd stay away from him, if I were you," she said in a stage whisper to Dorian. "He's a filthy faggot."
And with that, she walked out. I wasn't able to even open my mouth, and Dorian was far too shy to say anything. He looked at me and started to speak, but I got there first.
"I have to go," I said numbly. I picked up my iPod and started for the door.
"Hey," he called. "Who the hell was that?"
"Long story. I need to find Jesse."
"Jesse," he said somewhat flatly.
"Yeah, I need to talk. Before it eats me up inside," I was starting to feel very ill. It was an unfamiliar sensation, but I truly felt about to crack.
"So you'll talk to Jesse, but not me?" he demanded.
"I can't believe your doing this now..." I said incredulously, incensed.
"All I ever hear from you is how fucking great Jesse is, why don't you just fucking marry him. Why are you so upset anyway, it was just some stupid comment. Derek says the same every day. I don't get you, ya know?"
"You have no fucking idea why I am the way that I am," I snarled, trying not to raise my voice. "I'm going to find Jesse right now, and if you feel like apologizing later, you know where to find me."
"Fuck Jesse," he snapped. "You can't treat me like I'm your second choice as a boyfriend. Pick: Me or Jesse."
I couldn't believe my ears. I was so furious, so upset and just so overwhelmed at that moment that I could feel my head start to spin. I collected myself as best I could, looked Dorian straight in the eye, and walked out the door.
I was in no mood for walking, and I quickly flagged a taxi to take me back home. As if I didn't have enough issues without Dorian going all jealous and weird on me. I took a deep breath, and desperately tried to compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions. There was no way to deal with all of this at once. Soon, the cab was pulling into 'my' driveway which, I was relieved to see, was empty save for Jesse's car. I stuffed some cash into the driver's hand and ran to the door, where Jesse was waiting for me.
"God Jamie! What's wrong?"
"Life blows," I said. He looked a bit upset by this declaration, but he obviously sensed my need to talk and he led me over to our favorite old couch in the den. I don't usually like to talk without direction, but I took great solace there on that couch, rambling away about my problems, thoughts and feelings. I jumped from topic to topic, touching on things that had absolutely nothing with any of what had recently transpired. I wasn't really thinking consciously thinking about anything, and I'm not even sure I managed to be coherent most of the time. Jesse said very little; I think he knew that he did more good by just listening to me. I talked myself hoarse and by the time I had run out of things to speak of, I was exhausted, raw and emotionally drained. My tears had long since started and then stopped, my eyes were red from rubbing them.
"So yeah, life blows right about now," I concluded sadly.
"Hey! Don't say that," said Jesse tenderly. "Things'll pick up soon."
I nodded doubtfully and laid my head down on his leg. I was asleep within seconds.
Whew! That was a draining chapter to write! You might have noticed that I don't care for happy stories. But, that's only because life is rarely rosy and happy.
Comments, criticisms and suggestions are all very welcome. I write because I enjoy it, but I post them here for you so please let me know what you think of the story.
Menzoberranzen_of_the_drow@yahoo.com
~Menzo