DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimers apply. If you are underage (18 or 21, depending) and/or are offended by mature themes including consensual sexual contact between teen males, then DO NOT continue. This work is entirely fictional and any resemblances to persons (other than myself) either living or dead, is entirely coincidental. If you wish to reprint this story, just drop me an email letting me know where, and make sure you give me (Menzo) credit.
Feel free to give me criticism; my writing is far from perfect! Comments are very much appreciated, so please drop me a quick email at menzoberranzen_of_the_drow@yahoo.com
~Menzo
Chapter 9 - When to Let Go
I sat in a plush chair and forced myself not to slump. Despite the many eyes focused on me, I held my head high, my shoulders thrown back in a haughty defiance. My confident, almost arrogant manner was a sharp contrast to the figures with whom I shared the limelight. Derek was uncharacteristically meek - perhaps because of his father's presence in the room - while Julian was quite characteristically shy, keeping his eyes locked firmly on the floor. The door opened behind us, but only Derek turned to look. I knew who it was, and I was determined not to appear worried.
"Ahh, Ms. Harper, thank you for coming." Ms. Stone turned her gaze to me as she said this; it was decidedly not the warm, motherly gaze she dad displayed when I first arrived at the school.
As Jesse's mother took her place in the semi-circle of parents and teachers surrounding us, I suddenly found a strange sense of humor in the over-exaggerated gravity of the situation. The corners of my mouth curled slightly upwards, in spite of my best efforts to maintain composure.
"Does this amuse you, Mr. White?" snapped the vice-principal. A balding man with virtually no neck who sweated profusely, he was a man for whom I could manage very little respect. He was a mediocre teacher and an insecure disciplinarian who always gave the impression of being a very important, but under-appreciated man.
"Not terribly, no," I replied. My tone was polite to a fault, carrying just a subtle hint of mockery that let him know just what I thought.
"Could we get on with this?" demanded an impatient Mr. James. The definition of 'bullet-headed,' I disliked him simply because of his progeny. "I have things to do, and I don't want to waste my entire afternoon here!"
He glared at his son who shrank down into his chair and looked...abashed? It was the first time I had ever seen Derek James look apologetic and it was quite satisfying.
Still, of all the people in the room, the person who commanded my attention was the woman who I could only assume was Julian's mother. They had shared no words and there was no resemblance, but I could think of no other person whom it could have been. An interesting person, to be sure. At first glance she appeared to be a chic, upper-class woman who wouldn't have been out of place sipping martinis at a networking event for the wealthy and influential. At second glance, she looked like a moderately priced hooker - a woman beaten by life.
Her suit was a rich cream colour with a simple A-line skirt and a structured, ornamented jacket that covered any physical flaws - good taste. The mauve silk cammy underneath was simple, with only a touch of lace at the top - reservation and sophistication. A simple amethyst pendant matched her earrings but her apparently snakeskin shoes did not match her minimalist suede handbag - traditional, yet daring.
Her eyes had big dark circles under her eyes and her face was caked with cheap makeup which still failed to hide the gauntness of her cheeks. Her shoulders slumped and her poorly died hair was wild and unkempt. Everything in her body language gave off the impression of sloppiness and no amount of nice clothing could mask that.
Julian had flatly refused to discuss why his parents were abusive, only that they were. Or perhaps it was simply her; he hadn't been very forthcoming. I snapped out of my musings as the oily voice of Mr. Keeling, the vice-principle.
"Mr. White!" he bellowed, "are you listening to us?"
"What? Oh, no, I wasn't. Sorry." I hadn't meant it in a rude or offensive manner, but his face only reddened. Ms. Stone remained silent, but her eyebrows shot up and she gave me a meaningful look.
"Well, I will repeat myself for Jamie's benefit," Mr. Keeling grandly announced, wiping sweat from his brow. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted..."
"Interrupted?" I asked, puzzled. "I don't recall saying anything at all. This, of course, would be an interruption."
The thundering silence that followed my impertinence was broken by the most unlikely person. Julian's mother - whose name I had not yet ascertained - suddenly lit up, beaming like a madwoman.
"Indeed, you have a point," she said jovially. Well, it was jovial or unstable - I hoped it was the former. "But be careful young man! Wit is a valuable asset, but it can get you into trouble. It's good to see a clever young man with a daring sense of self! Julian could use a dose or two of daring himself, couldn't you love?"
Julian groaned and looked as if he would rather be anyplace but that office.
"No gumption, no panache!" she rambled, still smiling amiably.
"I think it shows a quiet dignity - a reserved self assurance that needs no outside validation."
Julian looked up at me sharply and his mother's eyes widened.
"Yes, yes, a quiet dignity." Her smile was gone, but her tone was unchanged. Keeling cleared his throat and we all turned politely to listen. Totally unintentionally, my witty jest had diffused the whole situation. Well, I felt that way; Keeling, apparently, saw it only as a minor distraction.
"As I was saying!" His voice was loud and booming, determined not be overridden again. "I have called you all here now because of the unacceptable display these three caused in the middle of the cafeteria."
Apparently this was not new news to anybody and when he received no visible reaction to his declaration, he continued in a more even-handed manner.
"Erm, yes. Now normally even such a vulgar, loud display would not warrant more than a detention, but this is not the first time these three have been involved in altercations. In fact, it would appear that both Jamie and Julian have long, separate histories with Derek."
Julian had behaved in an extremely emotional, explosive manner earlier - quite a shock to me - but it would make more sense if this wasn't the first time it had happened.
"Would any of you care to explain what happened today?" asked Ms. Stone in a neutral, firm tone.
When none of us elected to explain, Mr. Keeling gleefully began to recount our fight. It, like most fights with Derek, had escalated from a petty insult into something more volatile. We had refrained from physical contact, but threats, obscenities and insults had all been traded back on forth before the audience in the cafeteria. I still couldn't figure out why a dumb lout like Derek could set me off so easily; he was the type of person I disdained.
"Now, much as I find it distasteful, I will ask these three if they recall what was said?" proclaimed Keeling, once again displaying his flair for the dramatic.
"Quite clearly," I said as the other two nodded.
"Alright then Jamie, would you like to tell us what you said?"
"Not terribly. It was an atrociously uncouth...conversation. Not at all suitable for polite society."
"I'm sure I've heard worse."
"I don't doubt it."
"Well?"
"Well what?" It amused me to no end as he got steadily redder.
"Enough!" snapped Ms. Stone. "The precise words used are of no consequence. The three of you should be ashamed, ashamed! Shouting out offensive, degrading things like that. I will see you all in detention after school for the next week. Two hours, be there immediately at three. And if I ever - ever! - see you three go at it again, you will see how serious we are about discipline here."
"What about football practice?" asked Derek with his familiar arrogance. His father looked pleased at this question, but not by the response.
"What do you think, Mr. James?" Derek looked down and his father tried to protest, but she would have none of it.
"Does anyone else have any objections?"
I took pride in my wit and sarcasm, but it would seem I went too far in my next remark.
"What about cross country practice?" I whined in mockery of Derek. Susan's eyes widened and she let out a sharp "Jamie!"
"I'll see you next Monday, as well. Perhaps that will teach you to hold your tongue."
"Perhaps." I was feeling obstinate and annoyed.
"You're pushing you're luck, Jamie. Do you have anything else you wish to get off your chest."
All eyes were on me and I opened my mouth - might as well be hung for the chicken as for the egg, right? - but after seeing the look on Susan's face, I grudgingly shut it and shook my head.
"Good. You may return to class now, and remember I expect to see you all immediately after school."
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I stood up and brushed past everyone as I walked out. I avoided Susan completely and only glanced briefly at Julian. I chuckled to myself at my luck - this was one of the only classes I shared with Jesse. I could practically see the worry etched on his face.
When I walked into the classroom, I was not disappointed. He turned around so fast that I thought his neck would snap and motioned for me to sit down. The teacher, a kindly old woman, was rather oblivious to everything around her and kept speaking in a sing-song yet strangely dull voice.
"Jamie! What happened?"
"We all got lots of detention, and I got lots plus some."
"What?!" I smiled at his indignation that I knew would soon turn to disapproval. "Why did you get more?"
"I was being a smart-ass," I said honestly. As expected, he pursed his lips and gave me his best motherly look.
"How was mom?" he asked, surprising me with his restraint.
"She was alright, she didn't really say much. I suppose we'll have a nice, long conversation about it at dinner though."
"Probably," he laughed. "Remember that time I got caught cheating off Liz?"
"I do. The only time I would have rather eaten at my house. But it is so fun to torment Mr. Keeling. He was apoplectic when Julian's mom stood up for me."
"What?!" he demanded loudly, causing the teacher to stop momentarily and peer over her glasses at the class.
"Shhh, why do you care so much?"
"You should hear Lily talk about her; she would kill her if given the chance. I've only met her once and she was...erratic to say the least."
"She was a bit peculiar today," I admitted. I don't know why, but I felt a certain fondness for the woman. Julian, and now Jesse, had given me no reason to feel anything but dislike for her, but her odd demeanor was strangely endearing to me.
Detention with Julian was somewhat less fun than I had hoped. We were stuck cleaning the cafeteria again, but he resisted all of my attempts to make serious conversation. I finally gave up and resorted to mundane, chit-chatty subjects that were of no interest to either of us. As I walked out of the cafeteria with a new found respect for janitors he surprised me by asking if I would like a drive home.
"Oh, sure," I said, privately delighted. Taken or not, I was worried about him and wanted to get to know him better.
"Julian," I began cautiously. "Do you know Dorian very well?"
"No - not at all," he replied casually. "But he's Alex's ex."
"What!?"
"What?" he asked quizzically. "Why does that bother you?"
"Oh..." I stammered, unsure of what to say. "It doesn't bother me. I was just a bit shocked, that's all."
"Small world, huh?" he laughed. Part of me wanted to scream that I had seen them together but the bigger part told me it was none of my business and that I should hold my tongue.
We arrived shortly after at my house and after a brief goodbye I walked dejectedly to the door.
"Well, well," greeted Lily in mock severity. "If it isn't our little deliquent."
I made a face at her and casually made my way to the dining room where, to my horror, Jesse and his parents were all gathered around the table. We didn't often have sit-down dinners where everyone was present, and I was certain that this would be one of the ones I'd rather forget.
"Jamie," said Dave gravely, acknowledging me with a slight inclination of his head. Susan placed her utensils on her plate and motioned stiffly for me to take a seat. I expected a bit of a talk, but my offenses were hardly serious enough to merit this awkward display of disapproval.
To my great relief Lily came back and eased the tension somewhat.
"Jesse," she said with a perfectly straight face. "That hooligan we have warned you about has finally deigned to show up."
"You were right!" he maligned in an extravagantly overblown fashion. "He's corrupting me."
"You two, stop it!" demanded Susan with such sincerity that Lily bent over double with cackling laughter. I merely ate my meal, smiling at my adoptive family.
"I am sorry for causing you to have to come down the school today," I said honestly after Lily had excused herself.
"And?" asked Dave, apparently pleased but unsatisfied by my voluntary apology/
"And I shall do my utmost to avoid Derek James in the future. I doubt he'll extend me the same courtesy, though."
"Is that all you wished to say?"
I knew what he was getting at, but I refused to apologize for anything else I had done.
"Off the top of my head, yes," I said with a smile.
"What about your behavior today?"
"Like I said earlier, it was terribly vulgar and hardly appropriate for polite society."
"Wasn't appropriate for a cafeteria, either," grinned Jesse.
"People have enemies, I understand that Jamie, but you can't go around picking fights with them." Susan seemed genuinely concerned and I was pleased at her lack of awkwardness in having this discussion with a child that wasn't her own.
"I don't pick fights," I pointed out truthfully, "but I don't back down from them either."
"I suppose we can't really blame you for that but, please try to avoid these sorts of things in the future."
"I will, I promise. My wit is lost on a brute like him anyway," I said with a laugh. Jesse shook his head and laughed into his food.
"Mmm." Her lips were pursed and she looked distinctly more displeased than she had a moment ago. "That brings me to my next point..."
"It was worth every extra minute of detention," I said unapologetically.
"You have to show some respect for your teachers, Jamie!" She sounded scandalized.
"I must do nothing of the sort. Respect doesn't come along with the title, Susan; it has to be earned. I have a great respect for Ms. Stone and I was nothing but cordial and polite to her."
"And Mr. Keeling?"
"I have nothing but contempt for the man, and I will show him no more respect than he shows me. Come on, Susan, you know I'm the picture of politeness usually. It's not as if this is an everyday occurrence."
"No..." she said hesitantly. She paused for a few moments, but then she smiled and shook her head. "Of course not. It is just hard for us to know how to deal with this sort of stuff with you."
"Don't worry about it," I replied understandingly. No matter how close a person becomes to their friends' parents, actually living with them creates tension that wouldn't have been there before.
My biggest problem with detention after school was that I missed my opportunity to speak with Keegan. I had wanted to make sure he was alright after last weekend and Julian was hardly forthcoming with any information. I was also appalled to discover that Mr. Keeling would be supervising us while we licked envelopes containing the school newsletter. Just great; no conversation and two full hours of Mr. Keeling.
That detention lived up to my worst expectations and was by far the worst one of the week. It was back to cleaning floors on Wednesday and things didn't get interesting until Thursday. Keegan and I had arranged to go running in the evening, after supper, and so I was eager to get my detention over with.
"Jamie!" called Julian loudly as he walked into the classroom I was mopping.
"No need to shout," I laughed. "I'm right here."
"Don't play word games with me, ok?"
"Jeez, sorry," I said in a very unapologetic voice. This was most unusual behavior from him.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"What do you think."
"Fine. I didn't tell you because I make a point of not involving myself in other people's business."
"That's funny," he barked acerbically. "You forget that when you were quizzing me about my family life?"
"That was different," I replied softly.
"Bullshit, Jamie. You didn't tell me because you didn't want me to get hurt."
"So?" I demanded aggressively. I was tired of his shouting. "I thought things might work out."
"You should have told me!" He was yelling now, and on the verge of tears. "I don't fucking need your help Jamie, ok? Why don't you just stay the fuck out of my life?"
"You do need help, Julian, even if you don't see it." I was calm now; I could forgive him for this. He looked at me with a strange look, as if he had expected me to back down and stay away. Making a spur-of-the-moment decision, I leaned forward and placed my lips on his. It wasn't spontaneous romance, and it wasn't passionate. It was just a kiss. It was just my way of telling him how I felt, and what I was willing to put up with to get it. His lips returned the brief kiss, but as I pulled my head away the look he gave me was even stranger.
"What was that?" he asked in a normal tone.
"I believe it's called a kiss."
"Were you secretly hoping we'd break up, then?"
"If I had wanted that, don't you think I would have told you what I'd seen? Believe it or not, Julian, there are people who actually care about your welfare. Lily first among them."
"Lets not talk about Lily."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"What shall we talk about, then?" I asked after a long pause.
"You meddling in my affairs," he snapped irritably.
"Perhaps your affairs need meddling in."
"Fuck!" he swore loudly. "You are impossible to talk to sometimes, you know that?"
"I'm aware...uh, I know. Sorry, it's a habit."
"Yeah, well my mom loved it," he said with a sneer.
"Look, Julian, it's hardly...it's not my fault that your mother chose to fixate on me the other day. Is that what this is about? Surely to god you realize that you are just fine the way you are."
"It's not that. Well, not just that - it's a lot of things, Jamie. Fuck, you saw my mother. She is impossible to deal with!"
He had gone from angry to upset and worried in an instant and I was unsure of how to react. Fortunately for me, he just started talking again.
"She's always drunk or stoned or depressed. Do you know what that does to a kid? He was only 12 when she got like this!"
"Do you ever think what that does to you?" I asked quietly.
"Me? Oh, no, not really. I'm more worried about Keegan," he replied, as if my question was the strangest thing he'd ever heard. I sighed heavily but before I could say anything else the janitor came in and told us to get back to work.
"Julian," I called as he walked away.
"Yeah?"
"Call me sometime. We'll do something fun...as friends, if you like."
"Sounds great," he smiled. The smile was genuine, as far as I could tell, but he seemed distracted and distant.
I spent the rest of the detention thinking about Julian and his home life. I wasn't doing this anymore because I had a crush on him; I had become too involved in this. Perhaps Lily was right and I should just leave it alone. However, I had had my share of parental problems and I couldn't just leave Julian to a situation worse than mine had ever been.
That wouldn't be the last I'd hear of Julian's problems that day, though. A beaming Keegan was there to meet me once detention was over and, with a tired smile, I went over to greet him. He was the cheerful boy I had known before last weekend and we chatted amiably as we walked to the park. When we arrived in the parking lot, Keegan started to peel off the sweater he was wearing over his running outfit. He t-shirt came up with the sweater and I looked sadly at the large bruise on his upper abdomen.
I knew this should have been the final straw. I was now morally and legally obligated to call social services but I kept seeing Julian's pleading eyes and I knew that I wouldn't make that phone call.
"How'd you get that, Keegan?" I asked carefully.
"This?" he said with a forced laugh. "I fell."
"Makes sense," I said sarcastically. "I always fall on my stomach."
"It's nothing," he repeated firmly. "It's none of..."
"My business," I finished for him. "I know. But I'm not letting you run if your ribs are bruised."
"My ribs are fine," he snapped tersely. "Lets go."
"Lead on," I sighed heavily. I was ready to tear my hair out in frustration at my inability to help.
We ran in almost complete silence. At the end, I talked to him about breathing and he was nothing but polite. Polite, but not very talkative. Julian picked him up shortly after and with a meaningful glare to Julian, I waved goodbye.
By the time I had eaten supper and finished the homework that had piled up since Monday it was 9:00 and I was both mentally and physically exhausted.
"Jamie, did you start that biology assignment yet?" asked Jesse, coming into my room.
"Fuck!" I cursed loudly.
"Ahhh, I see."
"I'll start it now, I guess," I sighed.
"OK, but when you get to question 6 can you come give me a hand?"
"Sure."
I took out the assignment with every intention of doing it but as I gazed down at the long, multi-step question on the paper I thought my head was going to explode.
"Fuck!" I swore again, throwing my pencil at the wall.
"Language, Jamie!" admonished Lily playfully. She must have been walking by the room.
"Not now, Lily," I said a bit rudely.
"What is it?" she asked sympathetically, coming in to sit down beside me.
"Julian. And Keegan."
She pursed her lips and looked at me flatly.
"I told you not to involve yourself with his problems. It'll just make headaches for both of you."
"It's so...frustrating!"
"I know, Jamie, but trust me, you have to let it go. Do that tomorrow," she said, gesturing to my homework. "You should go to bed now."
"Thanks Lil," I sighed, unconvinced. "Good night."
"Night."
I collapsed into my bed without undressing. If I had been less of a health-freak, I would have gone for some Ben&Jerry's ice cream. All I thought about in the half-hour I lay awake was the big bruise on Keegan's stomach. I tried repeating what Lily had said, but it was futile. Sleep provided a welcome refuge from thought.
"Hello Nancy," I said weakly, stepping into her office.
"Hi Jamie!" she beamed, clearly much more enthusiastic about this meeting than I was. "Sit down."
I looked around the room and reluctantly seated myself on the hard, green leather couch with only one arm rest, perching awkwardly on the edge. It was the kind of couch that I felt I should be lying on after a bitter custody battle confessing my fear of losing my children and life. Or perhaps it was a couch where I should be confessing my sadistic desires and Freudian fantasies. I couldn't decide; either way, I was not at ease when she started speaking again.
"How have you been this week Jamie. And please, lets try to avoid one word answers."
"It was...a draining week. Didn't really have time to think of my problems."
"I heard you got detention every day this week."
"Yes." She raised her eyebrows and I grinned sheepishly. "I got in a fight with someone."
"And?"
"And I was bitchy to a teacher. Nothing terribly special about that."
"Why was the week so draining then?"
"I can't talk about it."
"No, you don't want to talk about it."
"No, I can't talk about it."
"Why not? We have doctor patient confidentiality, you know."
"It wouldn't matter if I told you."
"Why not?"
"There are very few cases in which doctor patient confidentiality doesn't apply. It pertains to a friend, nothing more matters."
She didn't push me to explain, but she did continue to drill me about why I felt the way I did, why I felt the need to interfere in it and why it affected me so. After that last, we jumped to the topic of my parents. The next hour and half were spent talking about my childhood; every single gripe I'd ever had about my parents came to the surface.
When she finally drove me home I was emotionally exhausted beyond anything I had imagined possible. Between worrying about Julian and then thinking about everything that had been wrong in my childhood, I was ready to just fall into bed.
I ate my supper in complete silence, ignoring Matt, who was also eating with us. I cleared away my plate once I had finished and mechanically walked upstairs to brush my teeth. Sleeping alone was not an option tonight, and after forcing myself to finish that biology assignment, I crawled into Jesse's bed. As it tends to do when you are thinking, time seemed to lose all meaning. Without really noticing the clock ticking, Jesse eventually pulled off his clothes and climbed into the bed beside me. He didn't speak, and for that I was grateful. I just wanted to be near him; to have the comfort of his warm body in the bed beside mine.
Whew! It's been a while since the last chapter, I know, but I think I am reasonable satisfied with the end result.
Comments, criticisms and suggestions are all very welcome. I write because I enjoy it, but I post them here for you so please let me know what you think of the story.
Menzoberranzen_of_the_drow@yahoo.com
~Menzo