Escape

Hello everybody! First off I want to say sorry for taking so long. My life is no longer my own and unfortunatly, writing this and Choices is the only thing I can easily put off. I want to thank everyone who has been so supportitive of me, especially DJ, Sarah, Yuli, and Tina. You four are awesome! My intro is going to be kind of short this time. I have a migraine. :-( Go read Choices if you haven't yet. It's a fun little story along the same vein as this one! Love you all! Rachel

Oh usual disclaimer stuff applies. And if you are confused by chapter 19 jumping back and forth, e-mail me and I'll explain.

ESCAPE

Chapter 18

"Kevin would you like to sit down?" She gestured to a chair across from her.

"Do I have to?" He replied defiantly.

"No, but we are here for an hour. You're going to get tired of standing." Kevin sat down with a huff.

"Okay Kevin. My name is Karen. I am a relationships counselor, specializing in gay relationships. I know you are not here by choice. AJ made it clear earlier that you would most likely not be receptive to me. That's fine. I don't mind."

"You talked to AJ?"

"Yes, AJ had an appointment with me at 1. As a rule, I don't start couples sessions until I have had at least one session with each of the partners alone."

"Nick made me come. I said I wasn't coming no matter what AJ had said. Nick dragged me here. I don't want any help."

Karen stood up and walked over to her desk. She pulled out a hand mirror. She walked over to Kevin and handed it to him.

"Look at yourself."

Kevin stared at his reflection.

"This is stupid." He started to lower the mirror, but Karen forced his hand back up.

"Look at yourself this time Kevin."

Kevin looked deeply into his own eyes. Had they always looked that sad? And his face was so pale. Had it always been that pale? His cheekbones were even more prominent. A tear rolled down his cheek slowly, betraying his feelings.

"When was the last time you ate Kevin?"

He shrugged. "I think I ate something a few days ago. I'm not hungry."

She nodded. "Come with me then. We are moving this session to the diner across the street. You need to eat something."

He couldn't seem to say no. He liked Karen right away despite the fact he wanted to hate her. He stood up and followed her.

"Diane, cancel the rest of my appointments. Mr. Richardson and I have a long afternoon ahead of us."

Her secretary nodded and picked up the phone as they walked out.

"As you have probably already noticed, I don't really follow standard protocol when it comes to my patients. Most people like it, but I have lost a few because they can't deal with me and want 'standard' therapy. I'm not a therapist. I'm a counselor. I'm here for you to talk to, not analyze your problems."

Karen pulled the door to the diner open and walked in. Kevin followed, still silent, listening to her talk. She got them a table near the back and they looked over the menu.

"I'm really not hungry Karen. Food makes me feel nauseous."

"Don't care. People create more problems for themselves when they don't eat. I guarantee that has something to do with the sleeping problems."

"Did he tell you everything already?" Kevin asked grumpily.

"No. He told me what was affecting him. AJ cannot tell me what is affecting you. Only you can do that."

The waitress walked up to them, setting down water. Kevin sat with his arms crossed, a stubborn look on his face.

"What can I getcha'?"

Karen took one last look and closed the menu.

"I'll have a turkey club and a coffee."

The waitress turned to Kevin.

"I don't want anything."

"Oh no you don't mister. He'll have a hamburger, medium well and a large coke. Fries too."

The waitress nodded and walked away. Kevin scowled at Karen.

"I'm not going to eat it."

She took a sip of her water.

"Yes you will. Trust me. So Kevin, tell me a little about yourself."

"Karen, you seem really nice and all, but I really don't want therapy. I don't need it."

Karen sighed and sat back.

"All right, but can I tell you one thing. You will not be allowed back into the house into you complete at least one session with me. AJ's rule, not mine."

Kevin felt anger well up inside him. Again, AJ was making the decisions for him.

"Do I at least get a choice in this?"

"Of course you do. You can either start talking and get back into your house faster or you can sit there like a lump and prepare yourself to live with Nick for awhile."

"Those are not choices Karen."

She shrugged her shoulders. "Well, those all the ones I've got. If you can think of any others, let me know."

Kevin was silent for a while. Karen decided to just let him stew in his own juices and began to check her date book. The waitress came back with the food and left again. Karen took a bite of her sandwich and pretended not to watch as Kevin stared at his food longingly. She watched as Kevin's hand snuck up and grabbed a fry. He glanced at her and she pretended not to notice. She picked up her sandwich and took another bite.

"Well I've been having nightmares for about two months now. They are starting to break me down."

He picked up his burger and took a big bite. All of a sudden he was starving. He gulped the burger down, barely chewing it.

"Told you it would get eaten. So two months right. What happened in your life two months ago?"

Kevin chewed on a fry as he thought.

"Nothing really major happened, but the last six months have been really hard. A lot of emotional ups and downs. And the new album and the upcoming tour. I just feel overwhelmed."

"Why are you letting these feelings build up in you?"

Kevin shrugged as he took a sip of soda. "I don't want to burden anyone. I'm the strong one. I don't have problems."

He flagged down the waitress. "Can I get another burger this time with cheese and also a piece of cherry pie? Oh and a big glass of milk."

Karen waited until she had walked away to talk.

"Everyone has problems, even the strong people. Tell me what you have been feeling the past few months."

Kevin ate another fry, dipping it in the ketchup first.

"I don't really want to go back on tour. I think that's one of the biggest issues right now. I know I have to go back on the road. It's my job. I just really like being at home. I like the stability." He drank some more of his soda.

"You like order and stability don't you?"

Kevin nodded. "I feel better when things are in the right place and everything is moving according to plan."

"Being on the road is too much of a change for you. When you are on the road, I bet you spend a lot of time making sure everything is going right."

"Yeah. Most of the guys get pissed because I am constantly reminding them of what needs to be done. AJ says I am anal-retentive."

Karen laughed at him.

"Anal-retentive. Lovely term. Very descriptive. I don't call it that personally. I say people are orderly when they are like that. Sounds better. And it's not a put-down. Try and get AJ to say that instead. As for stability while on the road, have you tried to bring a little of your home with you when you go?"

He shook his head. "How would I do that?"

The waitress put his food down in front of him. He smiled charmingly at her and dug into the cherry pie.

"Bring your pillow with you or a favorite blanket. It can even be something as simple as your coffee mug. Little things to remind you of home. That can make it easier. Why don't you want to tour anymore?"

Kevin shrugged. "I like touring. I like performing. I like making people happy. I just feel so drained while I am on tour. I feel like I am not living in reality. It's really unsettling."

"What can you do to make it seem more real?"

"I don't know if I can. When your on tour, your life is not your own. People are constantly telling you where you have to go, what you have to wear, and when you have to do everything. Choices are very few and far between. We can choose what to eat or what pajamas to wear to bed, but that's about it. Our free time is even limited to a few options."

"Well, then just understand that you can't change that and just live with it. Remember that you are your own person and can make all the choices you want when you get home. It's like any other job. People tell you what to do and you have to do it. In your case though, it just extends much further."

Kevin nodded, thinking about what she had said. He had never tried to just live with the fact he couldn't change things. He had always tried to force the issues and push for his own freedoms. Kevin swallowed another bite of his burger.

"I think I can do that. I've never tried to just live with it. It could work."

He smiled happily for the first time all day.

"So what else is bothering you? I'm sure touring isn't the only thing that's bothering you Kevin."

"Well, a lot of it is work concerns. Usual worries when we get to this part of a recording process. Is it any good? Will it sell? Will people like it? I can't control that. So I should stop letting it control me, right?"

Karen smiled happily.

"You're catching on quick Kevin. Now, tell me about AJ."

Kevin frowned and took a long drink of his milk.

"AJ is the love of my life. He makes me feel special and whole. He is the first thing I want to see when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I want to see when I close my eyes at night. AJ is also my main problem. I feel like I need him more then he needs me. I feel like he doesn't trust me or believe me when I tell him things."

"Do you give him any reasons not to trust you?"

"I guess so. For the longest time, I wouldn't tell him about my conversations with my ex-boyfriend. He knew I still talked to him and he knew I still was close to him, but I wouldn't tell him what we talked about or how close we still were. I know that bothered him, because we talked about it finally. I promised not to make him feel like that again."

"Why did you hide your relationship with your ex from AJ?"

Kevin shrugged, sipping from his milk.

"I thought AJ would be mad at me. I didn't break up with Brian because we didn't love each other or because the relationship wasn't working. We broke up for our mutual careers. It was the best thing to do for both of us, or so we thought. AJ knew all that when we started dating. He always acted a little jealous whenever I told him I had talked to Brian. I finally just stopped telling him." Kevin stopped to take another drink.

"AJ and Brian know each other. Our bands are friends with each other. One of Nick's best friends is his bass player. I don't know why I hid it from him for so long. I feel bad about that and I understand why he doesn't trust me sometimes."

Karen finished up her coffee and put the cup down.

"How can you fix that?"

"How can I fix AJ's trust in me?" She nodded. "I have no idea. I guess I just have to prove to him that I am not hiding anything from him."

"How would you do that?"

Kevin dropped his head and looked at his empty plate. "I could tell him about the dream." He said so quietly Karen could barely hear.

"You know what the dream is about then." Kevin nodded. "Why haven't you told him?"

"Because it's about him."

Karen sighed. "I think he figured that out after the last one. He told me when you were screaming, you said you hated him and then began to apologize profusely."

"That's how it ends every time. Me screaming that I hate him. AJ running away from me and me calling after him saying how sorry I am."

"What's the dream about Kevin?"

"The end."

"The end of what?"

"The end of AJ and me."

"What happens in the dream?"

"It always starts the same. I'm walking down the beach holding AJ's hand. Our children are running ahead of us with the dog. It's always so happy when it starts. Then things go wrong. The children disappear. The dog is gone. The sky turns dark and we aren't on the beach anymore. AJ turns to me and begins to laugh. His face and eyes are foreign. They aren't AJ. He starts to hurt me, pinching my arms, poking my cheeks hard. I start to back away. He follows me, pushing me into a corner I didn't know was there. I begin to scream for help as he hits me. He knees me in the crotch and pushes me to the ground. I struggle to sit up. I try to swing my arms to get him away. I hit him and scream that I hate him. Suddenly everything changes again. The beach is back and so are the children and dog. AJ is AJ again, but I have just hit him and told him I hate him. He turns and runs away, leaving me crying on the beach apologizing to nobody. That's when I wake up. I'm angry and confused. I hate myself for what I have just done in my dream. I destroyed my family and lost the person I love most. When AJ comes to help me, calm me down, I clutch him, afraid to let him go. I cry and tell myself that it isn't true. He is here in my arms. I can't let him go. I just can't. Then the other night, I hit him. And I didn't wake up crying. I didn't pull him close. I don't know why."

"Did you know you hit him when you woke up?"

"Not until I noticed a forming bruise and asked him. Then I felt so guilty and horrible, but he wouldn't let me touch him. I didn't want to force him, so I didn't."

"Did you have the dream last night?"

"No. I didn't."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because I lost AJ. I didn't have to dream about it anymore. It happened." Kevin answered bitterly.

"You didn't lose him for good though Kevin. You are doing the right thing by talking to me, by figuring out what the problem is. This is what AJ wants you to do."

Nick sat in his car outside the Medical Center, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited for Kevin to walk out. He had walked Kevin in and waited with him until he had been taken in. If he had left him, Nick knew Kevin would have split. He had to forcibly drag him in as it was. Nick wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't even talked. Nick had talked to AJ for a bit to find out how he was doing. That's when AJ had told Nick that Kevin wouldn't be allowed home until he had at least one session with Karen. Now Nick was sure Kevin would be even more pissed off then he was earlier.

Today's session at the studio had been horrible. Kevin refused to talk to AJ and refused to take directions about the song because it was AJ giving the instructions. When AJ had left during lunch for his appointment, Kevin finally became more cooperative. That unfortunately confirmed for Brian and Howie that something was very wrong between Kevin and AJ. Nick had spent the rest of the day tap-dancing the issue until he had to drag Kevin out of the studio.

Nick checked his watch again. Where was he? The appointment was supposed to be over twenty minutes ago.

Sighing, Nick turned the car off and got out. This was not how he had wanted to spend his day. He had stuff to do. Allie wanted him to check out some caterers in the area. He owed this to Kevin though. Kevin had done so much for him over the years.

Nick opened the door to Karen Dwyer's office. The receptionist was still there, talking on the phone. She put her hand over the receiver to speak to him.

"Ms. Dwyer's appointments were cancelled for this afternoon."

"I'm supposed to pick up Kevin Richardson. He had an appointment at 2:30."

"Well Ms. Dwyer and Mr. Richardson left some time ago. She tends to take patients out of the office when it's needed. Try the diner across the street."

"Thanks so much." He turned to walk away.

"Wait. Before you go, can you sign something for my daughter?" Nick turned back around with a smile playing on his lips.

"I'll do one better. If you give me your address, I'll send an autographed picture of all of us."

She smiled and wrote her address and daughter's name down for him.

"Thanks Mr. Carter."

"I'm happy to do it. Thanks for your help."

Nick left the office and headed out of the building. He saw the diner she was talking about and crossed the street. Nick opened the door and scanned the crowd for Kevin. He saw him sitting in the back with a woman he didn't recognize. He just figured it was Karen Dwyer. He headed back to where they were sitting.

"Kevin, you're eating!" Nick said with astonishment.

Kevin looked up at Nick in surprise. He grinned at him.

"Yeah. Karen made me. I guess I didn't realize how hungry I was until I started to eat. Oh jeez Nick, this is Karen. Karen this is the Nick guy I have been complaining about so much."

She laughed and swatted his arm.

"Nick it's a pleasure to meet you. Don't listen to Kevin. He's said nothing but good things about you." She extended her hand and Nick shook it firmly.

"It's nice to meet you as well. And I never listen to Kevin." Kevin slid over and Nick sat down.

"So are you okay Kev?" Nick asked him with concern.

"No, I'm not okay, but I will be. Thanks Nick." He smiled a real smile. Nick hadn't seen one of those in weeks.

"I just wanted to make sure. I'm worried about you."

Kevin hugged him tightly. "Thanks Nick."

"Hey no problem. You've been there for me for years. It's my turn to take care of you for a bit."

Karen cleared her throat slightly.

"Nick, we are kind of in the middle of a session here." Kevin said apologetically.

"I understand. I'm sorry I interrupted. I was wondering when you were going to be done so I can come get you then. I have to go check out a couple caterers. That's my job for this week."

"Well, how about I give you a call when I am ready? Or I can take a cab."

Nick shook his head. "I don't want you taking a cab. That's silly. You call and I'll come pick you up."

He leaned over and hugged Kevin tightly.

"Love you Kev."

"Love you too Nicky." Nick stood up.

"Goodbye Karen. It was very nice to meet you." With a wave, Nick walked away from the two of them.

"He seems like a nice guy."

Kevin nodded, smiling slightly.

"I've learned a lot about Nick in the past few months as we have spent more time together talking about real stuff. Nick is one of the best, truest friends I have. For years I just thought of Nick as a silly kid, but now I realize that he is a grown man and he acts like one."

"When did you realize that?"

"I knew it the day everyone found out about AJ and me. Part of me made this realization as Nick told me what happened and held everything together that he wasn't a little kid anymore. I was shocked exactly how mature and responsible he could be."

"So you raised a good kid there?"

Kevin blushed. "I'm not the only one who raised him. I only raised him from 13 on anyway. His parents did a great job too."

"Do you want kids Kevin?"

Kevin nodded emphatically. "Most definitely. I want to be a father. I want the chance to be a parent."

"Does AJ want kids?"

"Yeah. We've talked about it a lot actually. Each time we end up at the fact that you can't raise a child on the road. In a few years, the Backstreet Boys will end. Then we can have kids. Until then, we'll just have each other to take care of."

Karen held up her hand.

"Take care of. Interesting choice of words. Is that what the relationship is based upon? Taking care of each other?"

"Any relationship involves taking care of the other person. Our relationship is built on love. We do watch out for each other, but it's nothing unusual. Why?"

"Sometimes in a relationship, gay relationships in particular for some reason, the relationship ends up becoming two friends taking care of each other instead of two people in love. Neither of them want to end what they have because it's comfortable, but the love and lust quite often aren't there."

Kevin blushed quickly.

"We have no problems with the lust end of the relationship." He mumbled, a little embarrassed to be saying that in front of someone he barely knew.

"That's good to know I guess. But is the love still there Kevin?"

Kevin sat back, contemplating the question. The relationship had changed over the years. It had to, as AJ and him grew as a couple and alone as well. The love had never been a question in those changes. They had always based everything they did in love. That hadn't changed even now. AJ had asked him to leave out of love and he knew that.

"Yes, the love is still there. All our actions toward each other are ultimately grounded in the fact that we love each other. Even the most recent action. I realize why AJ asked me to leave. It was out of love for me. He had to do it because he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. If I had stayed, we would have ended up hurting each other and possibly destroying that love."

Karen sat back and smiled.

"Kevin you are on your way. I want you to go home tonight and do something for me."

Kevin finished chewing his bite of pie. "What is it?"

"Spend the night with Nick doing something silly and fun. And tomorrow morning, go back to your house and wake AJ up with a huge kiss and hug. I want the two of you to spend the day together, outside of the house, so no sex is involved. Then I will see both of you in my office on Monday for your first couple's session."

Kevin smiled, knowing that with Karen's help he could beat this. He would have AJ forever if he worked hard enough to fix himself.

Chapter 19

Brian sat in the grass, playing with Tyke. He was alone in the house today, having nothing to do really. In all honesty, he was very bored. Brian knew he had brought it on himself. He had pushed all of them away even Nick. He wanted desperately to call up Nick and talk to him, but he knew he couldn't.

Brian looked at his watch again. Shelley was at work again. She was in the middle of a big case and had been working crazy hours. Brian had been alone most of the week.

He had screwed up this time. Fighting with Kevin had not been a smart move. Even after apologizing to him, the only one who forgave him was Howie. And Howie never had the time to do anything when he wasn't working.

With a heavy sigh, Brian stood up and walked inside the house, leaving Tyke outside to nap in the sun. He walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinets, searching for something, not really hungry, but hoping by finding something to eat he would pass some time.

There was a knock on the door, jolting Brian out of his search for food. Strolling into the hallway, he touched a panel that would show him who was at the door. He was shocked to see Kevin standing there, waiting for him to open the door.

"Kevin?" Brian looked at him, slightly confused as to why he was there.

Kevin held out his arms to Brian, who hesitated momentarily, then relented and hugged Kevin tightly. Kevin pressed his face into Brian's shoulder as he hugged his shorter cousin.

"Can we talk?" He asked him, his voice slightly muffled.

Brian broke away from him and nodded. He threw his arm around Kevin and they walked into the living room. They settled down on the couch and Kevin took a deep breath before he began.

"I'm sorry I blew up at you that day. I never should have done it."

"You don't need to apologize Kev. I pushed you to it. I was acting like an idiot."

"Will you listen to me for a second Brian? You might not want to forgive me so quickly after you hear what I have to say."

Brian sat back, waiting for Kevin to continue.

"AJ threw me out of the house Thursday. I've been living at Nick's since then. I was the one who gave AJ the black eye."

Brian sat upright, staring at Kevin in shock and disbelief.

"You hit AJ!"

Kevin nodded. Brian's thoughts immediately went back to that day in Nick's kitchen when he swore up and down Kevin could never hit AJ; he loved him too much.

"Why?"

"It wasn't done intentionally. It was in my sleep. What I haven't been telling any of you is that I have been suffering from nightmares every night for the past few months. I didn't want to seem weak. So I hid them and asked AJ to hide them as well."

Brian reached over and squeezed Kevin's hand reassuringly. "Go on."

"Brian I'm afraid. I can't hide this anymore. I'm not strong enough alone. What I've done to AJ these past few months is inexcusable. It's going to take a lot of work for me to regain his trust. I need you to help me."

Brian squeezed Kevin's hand again. "I'll do whatever you need me to do."

"Do my job. Take over for me."

Brian sat back.

"Kevin, I don't know if I can do that. You have big shoes to fill."

Kevin sighed. This was an uphill battle that he had to fight. He had to get someone else to take care of the group's business. Brian was his first choice.

"I trust you Brian. I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you could do it."

"Will you help me when I need help?"

Kevin smiled and squeezed his hand this time.

"Of course I will. All you have to do is ask."

"No problem. When do I start?"

"Well, tomorrow actually. There's a meeting at 9am. You need to be prepared. I brought the information you need to know with me."

"Okay. Wow. I can handle this. What else can I do to help you Kevin?"

Brian's mind was spinning. He had just agreed to take over for Kevin for an unknown amount of time. What had he just done? Kevin was still talking to him, but Brian couldn't hear him anymore.

"Brian, by saying yes, you've done more then you can ever imagine."

Brian pulled Kevin to him, hugging him tightly. He tried to make Kevin know in his hug that he loved him.

"Brian.Brian. I need to breath." Brian laughed and released Kevin.

"I've missed you so much Kev. The real you."

"I'm trying to get me back. It's going to take a while. I'm going to have to learn how to open up and let people help me. That's going to be hard."

"I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."

"I know that Brian."

Kevin sat back and smiled at Brian.

"How long are you going to be.living at Nick's?" Brian asked him tentatively, not wanting to upset Kevin.

"AJ and I spent the day together yesterday and we talked about that. We came to a mutual decision that we would take this slow. I'm going to be living at Nick's for a while." Kevin's face betrayed the pain that his voice hid.

"Are you going to be okay with Kevin?"

Kevin shrugged.

"Not really, but I'm going to have to be. I can't live without AJ in my life. If this is what I have to do to keep him with me, then I'll do it."

Brian nodded and stood up.

"Do you want a drink?" Kevin nodded. Brian held his hand out to Kevin, who reached up and took it readily.

"Hi. I'm Kevin Richardson. This is Brian Littrell. You must be Nick, Howie, and AJ."

Kevin held his hand out, hoping someone would shake his hand back. One of them, a young boy with blond hair, shook his hand back.

"I'm Nick. Wow you're a lot older then all of us."

Kevin blushed, not knowing what to say. One of the other boys smacked Nick in the arm.

"Shut up dimwit. Just because you're a little kid doesn't mean we all are. Kevin is only a year older then me anyway. I'm Howie by the way. Ignore this pain in the ass."

AJ hung back, surprisingly shy. He just stared at the man standing in front of him. AJ had never felt this way before in all his fifteen years of life. Just looking at Kevin turned him to jelly.

Brian threw his arm around Nick.

"I'm Brian. Do you play Nintendo?" Nick beamed up at Brian with a look of admiration.

Kevin chuckled. "They are going to get along fine." He turned to look back at Howie and AJ.

"Do you talk AJ? Or do you just stand there?"

Howie poked AJ in the side. By order of management, Howie had spent the last three days with Nick and AJ and he knew that AJ was not quiet.

"Ummm.hi Kevin."

AJ stuck his hand out, hoping Kevin wouldn't notice how clammy it was. He felt Kevin's hand wrap around his tightly. AJ's voice caught in his throat and his mind went blank. All he could see or feel was Kevin's hand in his. What the hell was going on?

"Nice to meet you AJ."

Kevin smiled warmly at the boy in front of him. He liked the look of him, despite how incredibly frightened AJ looked at the moment. Was he that intimidating of a person? He had tried to work on that.

"We are supposed to go pick up your luggage and then go to the home all five of us are sharing for right now. Management decided the best way for us to get to know each other."

Howie took charge of the situation. He loved to be the one giving the orders. Besides, he had actually paid attention at the meetings he, Nick, and AJ had been forced to go to.

Howie led the group of hopeful singers to a large van. They threw the luggage in and climbed inside. Howie climbed behind the wheel, with Kevin sitting next to him.

"So Kevin, what did they tell you and Brian about the three of us?"

"Just the basics. Age, vocal range, dancing ability, previous entertainment history. Stuff like that. They did give us pictures."

"Same here. I've actually known AJ for sometime. We ran into each other at auditions and stuff. Same with Nick and AJ. They know each other as well."

Kevin nodded.

"Actually I was home on vacation when I went to the audition in Lexington. I've lived in Orlando since I turned 19. Brian begged me to go with him and I ended up auditioning as well. Little did we know we would both be picked."

"You guys are cousins right?"

Kevin nodded.

"I can tell. You look alike."

AJ sat in the back listening to Brian and Nick chatter on. His mind was far away. AJ's eyes, however, focused on Kevin's profile. He memorized every inch of it. It was perfect. Everything about Kevin seemed perfect.

Nick looked over at the goofy grin on AJ's face. He followed AJ's gaze and saw him staring at Kevin. Nick's mind worked quickly and decided that AJ really needed a wet willy right then and there. He stuck his index finger in his mouth and winked at Brian, who covered his mouth so he wouldn't laugh. Nick stuck his finger in AJ's ear, laughing hysterically as AJ shouted and rubbed his ear.

AJ jumped on top of Nick, tickling him mercilessly. Brian laughed so hard tears began to fall. Kevin turned to look at the three of them and frowned slightly.

"Hey you two! I'm driving here. Save it until we get home."

AJ sighed and rolled over in bed. He put his hand out, reaching for Kevin and getting nothing. Opening his eyes, he sat up and looked around. Kevin had been at Nick's for a week now. AJ still couldn't get used to sleeping alone.

He climbed out of bed and walked down the hall. Jessie was still staying with him. He knocked on her door and eased it open slowly.

"Jessie?"

"What AJ?" She answered sleepily.

"Can I sleep in your bed?"

"Sure."

AJ shut the door behind him softly and ran over to the bed. He climbed in and cuddled up to Jessie. He quickly drifted off to sleep, comforted by the fact another person was in the bed.

"Nick doesn't even know what a girl is yet. He's just a kid." AJ poked Nick in the side, causing him to squirm.

"Shut up AJ. I do to like girls. And don't poke me."

"Howie's got a girlfriend right now." AJ offered up. He had finally gotten over his sudden Kevin-induced shyness and began to act like himself again.

Howie blushed slightly.

"Her name is Pam. What about you Kevin? Do you have a girlfriend?"

Before Kevin could answer AJ, Brian jumped in.

"Kevin was engaged, but then he decided that girls weren't..."

Kevin quickly put his hand over Brian's mouth, shutting him up before he could finish what he was saying. He gave him an evil look.

"What?" Howie asked, confused.

"Nothing. I don't have a girlfriend right now."

"That wasn't what Brian was going to say."

Kevin removed his hand and sighed. He shot Brian another evil look, letting him know that he was pissed.

"What Brian was going to say is that I am gay. I was planning on telling you guys another time, but I guess now will do."

No one said a word for a moment. Nick began to laugh. Kevin turned to look at him, confused as to why he was laughing.

"Sorry about laughing. Did you think we would really care if you were gay?"

Kevin shrugged.

"A lot of people have a hard time accepting it. My family especially."

All eyes shifted to Brian who just began to blush.

"It is a sin you know. I still love Kevin. I just don't really accept him being gay."

AJ glared at him. Brian's words had visibly hurt Kevin. His face fell and he stared at the table. AJ would give anything to make Kevin feel better.

"Anyone like ham?" AJ blurted out, trying to break up the mood.

The guys burst out laughing. Kevin smiled at AJ and mouthed thank you. AJ's heart soared.

Jessie rolled over and hit the alarm clock. AJ had ended up in her bed again last night. She was getting used to it. Unfortunately, she knew that AJ was only turning to her because Kevin wasn't here.

Jessie walked over to the window and opened the blinds slightly to peer outside. It was still dark out, but she had to be at the studio early. She liked to get her first practice out of the way before 8am.

AJ was still sleeping by the time she was done showering. His face looked peaceful for the first time in days. Jessie wondered what he was dreaming about that finally made him seem happy.

"Kevin, how did you know you were gay?"

Kevin walked over to AJ's bed and sat down next to him. He put his arm around the young boy in an almost fatherly manner.

"I always knew that I wasn't physically attracted to women. I didn't admit it for a very, very long time. I always felt a strong attraction towards men."

"So say I feel a strong attraction to men and not women, does that make me gay?"

Kevin shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

"AJ from talking to you and Justine over the last few weeks, I know that you have been with women. When you are with a woman, what are you thinking about?"

AJ lowered his head, blushing.

"Tom Cruise."

Kevin chuckled slightly, trying to hid it from AJ. Instead, AJ joined in and the two of them were soon laughing hard.

"So AJ, if you want my opinion, you're definitely not playing on the straight side of the field."

AJ stopped laughing and looked away. Kevin, a gay man, had just confirmed what he had thought for so long. Maybe it was finally time to accept it. Well, accept it while not being stoned somewhere with Justine.

"Kevin, I'm gay."

Kevin took AJ's hand and squeezed it tightly.

"Don't say that just because I think you are."

"No, Kevin. I already knew I was gay. I just wanted to see what you thought."

"Why did you need my opinion on the matter?"

AJ shrugged.

"I guess I wanted someone else who was gay to confirm it for me. Well someone else gay besides Justine."

Kevin's eyes opened wide.

"Justine is a lesbian?"

AJ nodded.

"Wow. I guess I should let Brian know." He smiled slyly.

"Does Brian like Justine?"

Kevin nodded.

"Don't tell him."

Kevin looked at AJ quizzically.

"He will look at you quite differently when he realizes that he was attracted to someone who was gay. He likes Justine a lot. Brian will realize that being gay isn't wrong. Well, hopefully."

"I don't know about that AJ. I've gotten kind of used to the way Brian and I are with each other. It's cool."

"No it's not Kevin. It hurts you to know that Brian looks down at you because of who you are. I know. I see it whenever he says something."

Kevin looked at AJ. How could this little kid know so much? He was only fifteen. Why was he so smart?

"Hey AJ, want to go to a concert tonight, just you and me?"

AJ looked up with a huge smile.

"Who is it?"

"Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids. They're very intense."

"Can I get in Kevin? I am only 15."

Kevin smiled, a huge grin.

"Of course you can AJ. I'm dating Marilyn Manson."

AJ sat straight up, sweat pouring down his face. He could still remember that feeling he had so many years ago when Kevin said those words to him. They still hurt. AJ's stomach felt queasy, but he knew that was just an after effect of the dream. That's what had happened that day.

He climbed out of bed, heading towards the shower in his bedroom, his mind still on the dream/memory of that day.

AJ's heart broke and he felt like he had been sucker punched by a freight train. It took all his strength and acting ability to hide his reaction from Kevin.

Kevin was smiling broadly at AJ, not noticing how much AJ was hurting.

"So do you want to come with AJ? I'm sure you will enjoy the show. The guys can be a little crazy."

"Is that the guy you had at the studio the other day?"

"Yeah that was Brian. That's his real name. What do you think?"

AJ shrugged noncomittally, forcing tears back.

"He seems nice. I'll pass though. I have to do some homework for a test tomorrow."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then. Don't wait up."

Kevin winked at AJ jokingly. AJ smiled back weakly. Kevin swept out, closing the door behind him, leaving AJ to pick up the pieces of his heart.

Hands shaking, AJ dialed Justine's phone number. He listened to the phone ring 5, 10, 20 times, unable to hang up the phone. He began to sob, finally hanging up the phone.

Crying, unable to see anything, AJ stumbled out of his bedroom and headed down the hall in the general direction of Howie's bedroom. Before he even got there, he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, pulling him to a standing position.

"AJ! What happened?" Howie tried to wipe the tears off the young boy's face. He just couldn't keep up with the flood of tears. He guided AJ to his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Howie cradled the sobbing boy in his arms, rocking him, singing softly. AJ continued to cry as he thought about Kevin. Howie didn't rush him, allowing him to cry and vent his emotions.

Somehow Howie had known why AJ was upset. Howie had always been able to tell how AJ was feeling and thinking. That night, AJ had poured his heart out to Howie, telling him everything, including how he felt about Kevin. Howie and AJ formed a strong friendship that day, so strong it almost kept the other three out.

AJ forced the tears that were threatening back. He had to let go of that pain. That was eight years ago. Kevin was his. He didn't have to cry over him anymore.

Why was the pain still so fresh? Maybe he should call Karen and talk to her about that night. Maybe it was important.

He climbed into the shower, relishing the feeling of the hot water. AJ leaned against the wall letting his mind wander back to the early days again.

"Sweden? We're going to Sweden?" Kevin stared at Jonny in disbelief.

"Yes. The five of you are going to Sweden in four days to finish recording. You will most likely be gone from a month at the least to three months at the most."

Kevin's eyes began to fill with tears. AJ knew why he was upset, but he wasn't going to open his mouth and say anything. Brian rubbed Kevin's back, trying to comfort him.

"Kevin, I know you don't want to leave your boyfriend, but this is your job. You signed a contract."

Kevin nodded, holding back his tears. He and Marilyn had only been together for a month. The last thing he wanted to do was leave him before the relationship really began.

Nick raised his hand, a worried look playing across his usually cheerful face.

"Yes Nick?"

Jonny acknowledge his hand for once. He really didn't listen to Nick or AJ much because they were just kids in his eyes.

"Can I still play my Nintendo in Sweden?"

Howie smacked his arm lightly.

"What?" Nick was confused as to why Howie had hit him.

"There is more to life then Nintendo Nick. Don't you want to see another country? Explore something besides Super Mario Brothers for once."

Howie and Nick argued back and forth briefly. Brian continued to try to comfort Kevin, who was still holding back tears. AJ stared at him, watching the muscles in Kevin's jaw twitch as Brian talked to him quietly. Kevin was nodding stiffly, listening to each point Brian made.

"Hey Kevin. I'm sure that he can come visit. Maybe he can even come with us for a bit."

AJ was shocked to hear those words come out of his mouth. Howie just stared at him, knowing how AJ felt about Kevin dating Marilyn. Saying those words made AJ feel better then he had since he found out that Kevin was with someone else. He knew he had said the right thing. Kevin's smile was evidence of that.

"If he can get the time off, is it okay if he comes with me Jonny?"

Jonny took a deep breath. The room was silent, waiting for his response.

"Of course he can. Just remember you have to be discrete. That goes for all of you. If you bring a girlfriend or boyfriend anywhere, be discrete. We are painting a very wholesome image of the five of you. Don't screw it up."

AJ smiled slightly. The first time that they had all gone to Sweden together, it had been great. Marilyn had been there for most of it. Surprisingly, they had all gotten along really well. When Marilyn wasn't taking something or drinking something, he was the nicest person. And he made Kevin so happy.

AJ's eyes clouded over slightly. Those thoughts were surfacing again. The ones that had been pushed down for so long by alcohol. Kevin loving Marilyn more. But AJ knew in his heart Kevin didn't love Marilyn more. Kevin loved him.

"Kevin! Where are you?" Nick shouted up the steps. Kevin opened his bedroom door and peeked his head out.

"I'm sleeping Nick. What do you want?"

"Can you drive me to the airport?"

Kevin opened his door all the way and stared down at Nick.

"Why are you going to the airport now?"

"I need to go see Allie. She's stressing majorally and needs me there. I'm catching the next flight to Philadelphia."

Kevin sighed. Now he had to be alone in Nick's house. He didn't want that at all.

"Okay. Let me go put some clothes on."

"Thanks. I was getting tired of seeing your naked ass all the time. I thought you slept in boxers."

Kevin blushed.

"Ah you know you love my naked ass Nick."

"Nope, I'm not AJ! I prefer Allie's naked ass."

Kevin decided to get one more jab in before he shut the door.

"I thought you weren't allowed to look at Allie's naked ass! Hmmm.I feel the need to talk to Marilyn all of a sudden. I wonder why?"

Nick laughed at Kevin, hoping he was just kidding. Should he call AJ and tell him that he was leaving Kevin alone? It had been an unspoken rule that Kevin shouldn't be alone. He had to go to Allie though.

Kevin pulled a sweater over his head. He looked at the clock again. It was too early for this. No one got up this early to go to the airport. Laughing to himself, Kevin realized that he had done this for years actually.

Nick climbed out of the car. Kevin started to get out to help him, but Nick had already grabbed the bags. He waved to Kevin and ran into the airport. Kevin sighed and started the car again.

He didn't want to go back to Nick's house. He felt uncomfortable there alone. The only place he really wanted to go was back to his home, back to AJ.

"Hello." Kevin's face broke into a smile when he heard AJ say hello on the other end of the phone.

"Hi AJ."

"Kevin! Where are you?" AJ's voice was filled with happiness.

"I just dropped Nick off at the airport. I didn't want to go back to his place right away. I feel a little weird being there alone. Besides, Marilyn's dogs and I don't get along."

AJ was silent. Did he want Kevin to come over? Was he ready to spend time with him alone in their home?

"Well, why don't you come over here for a bit? We can go swimming or something."

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

"No Kev, I really do want to spend some time with you. I miss you so much. It's killing me not seeing you everyday."

"AJ I love you."

"I love you too Kevin."

"I'll see you soon."

"Great. Bye."

"Bye."

Kevin hit end and settled back into the carseat. He was going to get to see AJ today. Nothing could make this day any better. Nothing at all.

AJ's hand shook as he hung up the phone. Why was he frightened? He and Kevin were fine together. They had spent time with each other alone outside of the house. It should be no problem spending time alone at home. Then why was he scared?

---Well, that's all for now. I decided to have chapter 20 be it's own special episode. Yup, it's the reconciliation episode. Look for it soon. I hope. Thanks for reading and all that good stuff. Sorry it took so long and sorry for the confusion in this part. I was trying to give some background. E-mail me and I will try to get back to you as soon as possible. I'm sorry about slacking off on the e-mail. If you have e-mailed me recently and not gotten a response, I am so sorry. I am going crazy between school, work, my boyfriend, and these two stories. But I love you guys! You all make this worthwhile!---

ps... the new david bowie album "hours." is really great!