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Chapter 5
Habits
My head hurts and feels like it's been thrown against the wall a thousand times. I'm dizzy and I keep trying to wake up but there's no point, it's impossible. I'm too tired and I've already given up. The tears on my face are beginning to dry and my eyelids feel heavier. I don't how I could let this happen. I tell myself it wasn't my fault, but I don't even know at this point. Maybe I deserved it, Jonathan caused all this pain because of me and no one had paid the consequences for his actions. I feel the world around me getting darker and quieter. I don't have the strength to fight it, so I close my eyes and embrace the silence.
I'm awakened by the sound of the bell and my eyes snap right open, but they're still sticky from my tears. I feel sore since I was in an uncomfortable position when I went to sleep, and I also slept on the floor. I look around and then I look at the clock on the wall and realize that school is over. I hear noises outside through the windows in the room, and I decide that I should leave. When I try to stand up, I feel a pain in my back that reminds me of what happened just a while ago and shame builds up inside me. It's not like I was willing to do it, but I feel so humiliated. Damien and Michael raped me, and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I feel pathetic and helpless, and thoughts of worthlessness fill my mind.
I force myself to get up and start to walk away from the room even though I feel unsafe as soon as I take a step out. I'm able to walk normally but it hurts like hell to do so. I feel like I could fall any minute and I'm about to, but then I start to see people and it takes everything I have to keep myself from doing so. The cold air is extremely harsh as I step outside because I'm already dealing with so much other pain. I cross my arms from the cold and when I make sure no one is looking, I begin to cry. I thought this was supposed to stop after Diego died, but it seems like his death made things worse. There's no one to protect me and I don't want to put Sean in danger. Damien and Michael didn't look like they planned on stopping anytime soon and that scares me. They're not the only ones who hate me right now and I'm sure that other people are going to start doing something about it soon.
I walk all the way to the back of the parking lot because that's where Sean parks his car. He parks it there so that people won't see us and think we're together. We are, I just don't want anyone to know yet, or ever. Sean is completely against this and wants the whole world to know, but he doesn't realize that it's best if no one does. He hasn't experienced hatred the way I have, and if people know we're together, they'll associate that hate with him. He's strong, but our experiences are completely different and he doesn't know what I've been through.
I get to Sean's car which is unlocked and I sit in the passenger's seat. I immediately close the door to keep the cold from getting in and I try to relax and close my eyes. Sean's parking space is pretty hidden which can be both a good and a bad thing. I feel a bit paranoid and I keep looking out the window, expecting Damien and Michael to show up any second. I try falling asleep while I wait for Sean, but he eventually shows up and I'm startled awake. He doesn't notice how frail I am and he steps into the car and turns it on.
"Hey," he greets me with a smile, "I was wondering why you didn't meet me outside the school like usual."
"Um yeah," I say, not able to come up with a good excuse. I look away because I don't want him to see me.
He notices and says, "Are you okay?"
I simply nod but I still don't face him.
"Cyrus look at me," he says calmly, but I can hear the fear in his voice, and his thoughts are no better.
I turn slowly and I don't even know how to describe the look on his face. I'm pretty sure I look awful right now; my eyes are still red, my tears haven't dried yet, and I have a slight bruise from when Damien slapped me. I can hear Sean's thoughts and they're filled with anger and confusion.
"What happened?" he says quietly, gritting his teeth like he's trying not to yell.
"It was Damien and Michael," I say in a whisper. Sean doesn't really know Damien that well, but him and Michael are pretty good friends. He knows what Jonathan did to them and why.
"What else did they do to you?"
"Sean..."
"Tell me!" he yells out and I jump. I try to tell him but I keep stuttering and I find it hard to tell him. Not just because of the fear that he'll do something stupid but because I'm ashamed. Plus, saying it will bring back the memory and I can't handle that, but the images start flowing in and it's too late.
I burst into tears and through my sobs I say, "They raped me."
It takes him a moment to process what I said, but his thoughts turn extremely violent and he says, "Those fucking bastards." Then I hear a car door open.
"No!" I yell out and I follow him. I grab his arm to stop him but he shakes it off.
"Just wait here Cyrus," he says, "Let me take care of this."
"Please Sean, don't do this. Not right now."
"Why? Why shouldn't I go up to them and beat the shit out of them after what they did to you ?!" He's starting to scare me. I've never heard him this mad.
"Because... because I need you here. With me," I say and I start crying. I don't sob but tears stream down my face and my vision gets blurry. I feel his arms wrap around me, and I'm glad I was able to stop him but more importantly, I also need his comfort. I feel all my shame wash away because I know that Sean will love me no matter what. He takes me back to his car and we lay down in the back instead of leaving. There's not much room, but it keeps him closer to me and for a moment I forget all my worries.
A few days pass and things become weird between me and Sean. He and Michael got into a pretty bad fight which Sean won and I think that's when it started. I had asked him not to do anything about it, but he said he wanted to protect me and make sure that Damien and Michael would leave me alone. It apparently worked since they stopped harassing me but I was mad at Sean. I don't know why, I think I just used him not listening to me as an excuse. I love Sean, I really do but I feel like there's something missing. Diego was brutal and extremely protective of me, and Sean is also protective of me but in a different way. Sean gives me more freedom and I like that but it's not something I'm used to. Diego pushed all my boundaries and showed me his worst, but Sean is playing it safe. For the first few days after Damien and Michael raped me I wasn't up for sex, but when I was ready, we did it. It was great, but I wish he could get a bit rougher. I know he wants it too because I can read his thoughts but he's afraid of hurting me. And he's doing the same thing right now.
We're both on the bed, completely naked, and he's on top of me. He pushes his dick inside me slowly before pulling it out and every now and then he gives me a soft kiss before pushing his dick back in me again. We're going at a steady pace but we've been going at it for almost ten minutes. He's not going that slow or anything, but he's not going fast.
"You can go a little faster if you want to," I say quietly. He doesn't respond and he keeps going at the same pace even though I'm pretty sure he heard me. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy if we don't go faster so I decide to do something about it. When Sean pulls his dick out of me, I take him by surprise and roll us over so now I'm on top.
"What are you doing?" he says confusedly.
"Shut up," I tell him. I hover over him and push him back with my hands so he can't get up. I feel a sort of thrill from trying this out and I'm extremely aroused at just the thought of it. I grab his dick and align it with my hole. I lower myself onto his dick and Sean begins to moan and breathe loudly. When I reach the base of his cock I balance myself by putting my hands on Sean's chest and I begin to ride him. Our moans and grunts fill the room and Sean seems conflicted. He feels uncomfortable but he wants me to go faster and push his dick further inside me, so I do.
I grab my own dick and jerk off as I jump up and down on Sean's dick. I put my hand on his stomach to have more balance. Sean is extremely confused but he doesn't seem to care that much since he's feeling a lot of pleasure. After about two minutes of riding Sean, he grabs me by my hips and holds me still. I'm hovering over him when he begins to fuck me mercilessly. His thrusts are quicker and I feel them go deeper inside me. Sean seems to have forgotten his worries about hurting me and all he cares about are his needs. My moans grow louder and they seem to empower him. The closer he gets to cumming, the deeper he digs his nails into my waist. It doesn't hurt but I feel pressure and it causes me jerk off faster.
I finally cum and it feels amazing, the semen shoots upwards and splatters across my stomach to my chest. A few seconds later Sean cums too and I feel it being shot inside me and the feeling is intense. I fall on top of him and as soon as I look up, he grabs the back of my head and we begin to make out heavily. He's still inside me and he keeps pushing his dick further into me but it's starting to get soft and after a while I pull myself off his dick. He kisses me one last time and he goes to sleep.
When Sean turns off the light, I can't help but feel this sort of guilt. I hated Diego so much for the way he fucked and hurt me, but what I did with Sean was close to what Diego did to me. I try to justify my actions by telling myself that I love Sean and that's why I was so aroused, and it is true. But the truth is, Diego scarred me. Soft sex is passionate and I love those moments with Sean, but most of the time I want him to be an animal and tear me apart.
It was so unlike him right now to put his needs before mine. I liked it but I can't understand why he did that. I remember that the first time we had sex he was calm at first but he started to lose control and he was rough at the end. I think about it and wonder if it has something to do with me. I know I have powers but I don't know what they are. All I know is I can kill Acerbes and read minds, but what if I have a power that can really arouse a person during sex? Diego had that power too but he took complete advantage of it. I hope that Sean didn't act this way tonight because I forced him too, and I stay up most of the night thinking about it.
The next day I feel strange as I change into my gym clothes in the locker room. Diego would always force me to change in the bathroom stall because he didn't want anyone to notice me. However, now that he's gone I don't want to change in the stall and I haven't since he died but I still feel strange. Everyone gave me strange looks at first since they didn't know Diego was gone but they eventually stopped. None of the guys in this class hated me since Jonathan hadn't raped any of them and Diego wasn't really cruel to them.
I get to the gym late because I was finishing a test in my last class, and when I walk into the locker room, the last few guys are leaving and I'm left alone in the locker room. When I take my clothes out of my backpack, I hear the door open and I see one of my classmates walk in: Brandon. He had class with me last period so he was also finishing his test. Brandon is a pretty attractive guy since he's tall, he has blond hair, and green eyes.
"Hey Cyrus," he says when he sees me.
"Hey Brandon," I say before I take off my shirt.
"How do you think you did on the test?" he says as he puts his backpack down and and takes out his gym clothes. He takes off his shirt and his chest seems to expand when he does so. He has abs and pecs which make him seem even sexier along with his height.
"Umm, alright I guess, I didn't think it was that hard."
We keep taking as we change and once again I realize how much more freedom I have now that Diego is gone. He would never leave me alone to talk with a guy, let alone change in front of him but it's happening. Having this freedom feels weird and I want more. I finish changing and Brandon finishes too so we begin to walk out. I'm almost out the door when I feel a Brandon's hand on my shoulder.
"Hey Cyrus," he says quietly.
"Yeah?" I say.
"Umm, look there's something I've been wanting to tell you but I couldn't with Diego around," he begins to say.
"Oh," I say, knowing where this conversation is going.
"Well I- I li- I just want to know if you wanna go out sometime?"
His question takes me by surprise and I say, "Oh. Wow Brandon, I didn't even know you were... Wow, umm..."
I can't help but look into his thoughts and I see very perverted images. I see his plans for our date and it involves him seducing me and us having sex in the end. It makes me feel uncomfortable but I also get a little aroused as I see his fantasies and a part of me wants to go out with him and go along with his plan and explore my newfound freedom, but I'm faithful to Sean and I'm going to keep it that way.
"Well you're a great guy and I would like to, but I'm still trying to get past Diego. It was a very traumatic experience and I still need time to get over it."
"Oh of course, wow I'm fucking stupid. Yeah I've heard what Acerbes do, I'm sorry," he says.
"It's okay," I tell him, and then we leave the locker room.
After P. E., I have my free period and I find out that Brandon also has a free period. I introduce him to the student lounge since he's never even heard of it. I feel like I'm the only person that ever comes here. I tell him that no one is ever around and when I hear his thoughts, I hear him thinking about seducing me here in a lonely spot. I sit at a table with one chair and Brandon pulls up a seat and he sets it very close to me. We're sitting really close and I can smell his sweat from P. E. which is strong and almost intoxicating. It turns me on and I bite my lip in order to keep myself from saying anything I might regret. We talk about different things and he occasionally flirts with me and I flirt back. I pay close attention to every aspect of his face and I realize that if I moved a few inches forward I could kiss him and I think about doing it.
Suddenly, I think of Sean and our relationship and I feel guilty. I'm not doing anything with Brandon but I'm feeling attracted to him and I want to act on my feelings. Fucking had become such a habit for me and I'm barely realizing that I don't care who it's with, just as long as I get fucked. I don't want to be this person and I don't want to cheat on Sean.
"Damn it, I have to go. I forgot to get some makeup work for one of my classes," I say as I get up and grab my backpack.
"Oh," he says, he seems upset that I'm leaving.
"I'll talk to you later, yeah?"
"Yeah sure," he says with little enthusiasm.
I leave the lounge and walk to the bathroom to hide there until the bell rings for my next class. When I walk in, Jonathan is leaving and he smiles when he sees me. I try to leave but he beats me to the door and closes it before I can get out. He corners me and puts his hands on the wall so that I can't move away.
"It's been a while. You've been avoiding me," he says.
"Can you blame me?" I say.
He laughs and says, "C'mon, don't be like that. I know you hate me, but I can make you feel good. I'll show you what it's like to be fucked by a real man, not like that pussy Diego who ran away."
"No thanks, I'm good," I say and I walk towards the door. I can be punished for talking to an Acerbis like this but I don't want to deal with Jonathan right now. I've always been nervous around him, but I'm tired of him and I have to let him know.
He grabs me and pushes me against the wall. He leans right against me and I can feel him rubbing his erection on my leg. I don't look at it but I know it's big.
"You feel that? That's for you baby. I wanna be deep inside you and fill you up. C'mon lets do it now," he says as he grinds his crotch against my leg. I don't get where this is all coming from, he's never been this desperate and he's coming off as slutty.
"Get off me you sick perv!" I tell him and I push him off me. He turns me around so that I'm facing the wall and he puts himself right behind me. I can feel his breath on my ear.
"You're an ungrateful little bitch, you know that? I can give you everything you want and you push me away."
"I don't want anything from you," I say before I push him off of me one last time and leave the bathroom. I know it's probably a mistake but I'm not gonna give in to him. I can't.
I don't want to deal with my last two classes and I barely ever go to them. This school hardly cares if you're absent, if you do your makeup work, you can still get a good grade. I tell myself that I'll just get my makeup work tomorrow morning and I leave to Sean's car and wait in there. It's cold inside since the air from outside always seems to seep through but I get through it. I use my backpack as a pillow and I try to go to sleep but I can't relax. I keep thinking about Brandon and how attracted I was to him, and then there's Jonathan who won't stop going after me. It's driving me crazy and my thoughts are all over the place.
I hear my phone vibrate from my backpack, so I take it out from under my head but when I pull out my phone my backpack falls. When I turn on my phone I see a text from Sean that says, 'Where r u???' I'm about to answer but I pick up my backpack first and when I do, four little bags fall from the side pocket. As soon as I see the bags, I remember what they are; Acerbes drugs. They're pills and they're not available anywhere else, Diego got them from a guy at school and he's the only who knows how to make them. Everyone wants them because they bring great pleasure. He would force me to take them when he wanted to have fun but didn't want to use his power on me. There's four different kinds: the red ones, the blue ones, the green ones, and the black ones.
The red ones make you black out, you'll still be able to do things but you'll have no control of your mind and the second you the effects wear off you won't remember a thing you did. The blue ones make you go to sleep, but you have dreams about sex and they feel real and you experience your deepest fantasies. The green ones bring you relief and you feel relaxed for a while. The black ones, let me put it simple, make you crazy horny and you won't care who fucks you just as long as you fuck or get fucked.
I realize that maybe these pills are what I need. I put my phone in my pocket and I put the red, blue, and black pills in my backpack, and I grab two green pills. I set my backpack down and realize that a blue pill fell out of the bag. I almost put it back but I realize I can get more relief. I want to feel relaxed but I also want pleasure. I take them all together and I lay down. I fall asleep almost immediately and I dream of the last thing I thought I would ever dream of.
I can feel a dick tearing apart my insides and I feel pain but I love it. My eyes are closed but I feel someone on top of me and I can feel their breath on my face.
"Oh fuck," I hear a familiar voice say. I open my eyes and I see Diego who looks sexier than ever.
"I missed you," I say as I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer.
"Damn baby, I'm gonna fuck you harder, just how you like it," he says and he pushes his dick as far inside me as he can. I almost scream from the intense pain and his dick feels bigger than ever but I love it.
"Yeah... Oh fuck yeah," I say as I feel him fucking me faster but he still manages to put his dick all the way inside me. I moan with every thrust and a tear escapes my eye.
Diego raises my legs up higher and spanks me harshly, then he says, "C'mon bitch. You know you wanna moan louder, scream for me."
I stop biting my tongue and my moans are louder than before. I grunt every time he pushes his dick in me and I make sure I sound as loud as possible to fuel his sex since he loves seeing me in pain. He spanks me again before slipping his finger into my mouth and I suck on it.
I wake up from my dream gasping because I finally cummed. I spasm as the semen stains my jeans and the feeling develops. When it finally dies down, I can't help but smile. I know I hated Diego, but I finally got the fuck I've wanted for so long. I can't help but smile and it's because of the green pills. The green pills' effect lasts for about an hour or two, but the effects of the blue pill go away after ejaculation. My body feels so relaxed but I'm sweating so I unbutton my shirt and open it, exposing my stomach and chest. I get a little cold but I don't even care and I fall asleep.
Sean wakes me up about an hour later. I open my eyes and I realize the effects of the green pill have washed off because I don't have the same feeling anymore but I'm not worried either. Sean's at the door and I'm on my back, looking right at him and he seems confused.
"What happened are you okay?" he says.
"Umm yeah. I just had a fever and I came here to cool down," I say when I realize my shirt is still open. I'm about to button it up but I realize the bag of green pills is still in my hand so I put it right next to me and I button up my shirt.
"What was that?" he says, with a strict tone.
"What?" I say when I reach the last button. He reaches over and I try to lean to cover the pills but he snatches then from me and I jump out the car when he gets out.
"Give it back," I say desperately.
"Why the fuck do you have these?" he says, holding up the bag.
"Give those back to me," I say and I reach forward but he holds me back with his hand.
"No, do you have any idea what these can do to you? They're Acerbes drugs, Cyrus. It's dangerous if a human takes these."
He's dangling then in front of me and it makes me even more desperate and I say, "That's fucking bullshit, now give them back!" I jump forward but Sean pushes me back and I fall on the floor. He drops the pills and stomps on them, then he rubs his heel against them. I feel anger as he crushes the pills. After the effects of the pills wash off, you feel the need to have more.
I stand up and push Sean, and he slaps me by reflex. He slaps me really hard and I fall against the car to keep myself from falling to the floor. I touch the cheek that he slapped and he stays still with a shocked look on his face.
"I'm so sorry," he says and he walks forward, but I back away. I'm surprised by his actions but I'm barely realizing just how crazy I was acting. It didn't mean he had to slap me though.
"Look, please. I'm sorry, just get in the car and we can talk about this," he says, almost begging. I feel like running away but I decide to listen to him and I get in the car. Sean seems relieved and he smiles even though he looks like he's about to cry. I listen to his thoughts and I can hear that he hates himself for hurting me, but he's still confused about why I had the pills. We get to his house but neither of us leaves the car and we both stay in our seat.
"Why were you taking those pills?" Sean finally says after a long period of silence. But it's the one thing I was hoping he wouldn't ask.
"I've been feeling stressed and I needed those pills to help me relax a bit," I say but I don't look at him.
"You could've hurt yourself. I told you, those pills aren't for humans."
"I'm fine. Besides, Diego forced me to take those pills all the time and nothing ever happened."
"Well why were you stressed, why did you need those pills so badly?"
"I don't know, I just did," I say, but I do know.
"Don't lie Cyrus, I know something's bothering you. You can tell me," he says before he puts his hand on my knee, but I move away from him and his hand slips off.
"Can we just leave it at that, I don't want to talk about it," I say coldly. I don't want to tell him about my strange desires, it's too embarrassing and I don't want to make it seem like it's his fault. Besides, it wouldn't accomplish anything, Sean is never gonna change and maybe that's a good thing but I don't see myself changing either anytime soon. This is what I am now and I have to come to terms with it. I love Sean but I'll never be fully satisfied with him.
"No, I need to know why you've been acting so weird lately."
"I'm not acting weird, this is who I am Sean. I've been having these thoughts and I'm having them because Diego is gone. I don't know how to explain it to you but you wouldn't understand. I'm sorry but... I need to be alone for a while," I say before I jump out of the car and run away. Sean calls out my name, but I still keep running.
After a few minutes of running I realize that I was subconsciously running back to my house. I start to walk and think about everything that's happened to me. I didn't realize how bad of an impact Diego had on me, now I was obsessed with rough sex since it was all I knew. Sean deserves love but I can't give it to him because I've never known it. I probably never will if I don't find out how to stop this obsession.
I pull myself out of my thoughts when I see my house which brings back unwanted memories. I haven't been here since Diego died and right now it looks so strange to me, like I never lived there. I walk up the driveway and to the door. I'm afraid that if I go inside, Diego will be in there but nonetheless, I go in. The lights are off but nothing seems to have been touched since I left. Diego's parents probably still don't know about Diego's death so the house must still be under their name.
I remember when it was just my mother and I who lived in this house. Everything was so simple, but I was young so of course things would be simple. I would've treasured every moment had I known what my life would turn out to be. I would've treasured more moments with my mother, who is now dead. Sometimes I think she's just not there, but I know deep down that she's dead, and that Diego killed her. I never knew what exactly happened to my dad, all I know is that the Acerbes killed him. My mom never told me why though, but knowing the Acerbes it could've been anything. After my mom died, Diego and Sean were all I had left, then Diego died. I can't lose Sean, I can't lose the last person in this world that I care about. But I can't have him if I continue to have this desire.
The doorbell rings and I almost jump off my chair. I've barely been here for five minutes and someone is already at the door. I start to wonder if someone followed me, but I choose to get up and open the door. When I do, I see Brandon who's holding my jacket in his hands. I realize that I had put it on my chair when we were in the student lounge.
"Hey," he says with a shy smile, "You forgot you're jacket when you left to get your makeup work."
"Thanks," I say, as he hands it over. Our hands brush and I feel a strange thrill. I seem to have forgotten the pain I was just experiencing, and I hate myself for being able to get over it so quickly but I'm glad it's over.
"So you live here?" he says, looking over me to see more of my house.
"Kind of, I've been staying with a friend lately but I came here for a while. Do you wanna come in?" I say and I move aside.
He nods and steps in before I close the door. I walk to the living and he follows me. We both sit on the couch and he lets me sit first so he can make sure he can sit really close to me. I don't mind though and I inch closer to him. We start talking about random things and we casually move closer to one another. At one point our knees touch and Brandon puts his hand on my knee. Soon we're both quiet and I look up at him, I can hear his thoughts and they're as dirty as before. He has more assurance now and he reaches forward to kiss me. I don't pull back and then our lips touch. He kisses me hard and rolls his tongue around mine, and I moan from the warmth of his lips. He puts his hands on the back of my head and pulls me in closer.
The image of Sean's face crosses my mind and I know I shouldn't be doing this but I'm desperate. I know how hard Brandon wants to fuck me and I need it hard. Sean unbuttons my shirt and pulls it over my shoulders before he begins to suck on my neck. I sit on his lap and wrap my legs around his back to hold him closer to me. I put my lips on his forehead and kiss it as he softly bites my neck. I pull off his shirt and rub our bodies together as we make out.
I can't wait any longer and I unzip Brandon's pants and pull out his dick. I hover over him so that I can pull my shorts over my butt. I spit into my hand and lube up Brandon's dick which causes him to groan. I kiss him deeply and stroke his dick as I begin to lower myself onto it. I bite Brandon's lip and look into his eyes as his dick begins to enter me. It's about six inches and it takes me about a minute before I finally reach the base of his cock. We both moan loudly from the intense feeling of having his entire dick inside me. Soon I begin to ride Brandon as fast as I can and it hurts so much. He doesn't seem to care though, and he lays his head back and closes his eyes. I grunt every time I lower myself onto his dick, and I bite my lips.
After a few minutes of riding him, Brandon tells me to hold on to him. I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist before he stands up with his dick still inside me. He asks me where my room is and I direct him to it. When we get there, he pulls me off him and lays me on the bed. We both begin to completely take off our clothes off and when we finish, we get under the bedsheets. He pushes his dick all the way into me in one thrust and I let out a small cry. He starts fucking me hard and fast and I begin to sweat from the heat of being under the blankets. Brandon grabs my dick and begins to stroke it. He groans as he fucks me and looks into my eyes the whole time.
We're both about to cum and Brandon leans in closer to me. My feelings change between pleasure and guilt. I think about Sean, but Brandon keeps moaning my name and licking my ear. I can feel Sean slipping away from my mind and I'm kind of glad about it. Soon I finally cum and it lands on my stomach but some of it sticks to Brandon since he's right above me. A few seconds later Brandon cums inside me and when he does he kisses me. He licks my lips and kisses me passionately, and it's like we're French kissing. We pull the blanket below our shoulders to take a breath and we both lay on our backs.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that," he says, breathing loudly.
I laugh and put my head on his chest. We don't talk afterwards, and I eventually close my eyes, completely forgetting Sean.
I hope you all liked this chapter. Sorry it took me so long to update but I'm hoping the next chapter won't take as long. If you have any comments or questions, you can send them to moremike588@hotmail.com