Call it secrets, private stuff or just passages through life, Conrad had them. He knew everyone had them, but that didn't erase the occasional guilt feelings that made him shake when he thought about them.
And that didn't asuage the fears of discovery he felt if he thought about them.
So he tried to shake off the fears and the guilt. After all everyone has them he rationalized.
Sitting on the park bench Conrad looked about him at the various people who walked across the famed Boston Common. There were women with children, senior citizen males, college kids (many college kids), teenagers and little kids.
Little kids had precious few things to feel guilty about, let alone fear discovery. They had their own private actions and thoughts but were too naive to worry about the guilt or discovery usually.
College kids were amidst the years of discovery, experimentation and guilt free willingness to chalk up experiences. Conrad was one of them but his guilt was smothered with his own rationalization.
Adults. As he watched one after another walking by, pausing to adjust their children or sit on neighboring benches, Conrad wondered what did they do in their lives to be guilty about. Was it cheating on a lover or life partner? Was it a late night cross the line expression of emotion or physical need with a person of the same sex? Was it a time of considering abortion rather then raise a child? Was it a hidden hatred for a race, person, religion, celebrity or family member?
An older man moved slowly. His cane seemed to provide confidence rather then physical support. He stopped and looked towards Conrad. What was going through his mind.
Conrad smiled. The man nodded back and his smile was small but there. He openly smiled. Perhaps he thought of days gone by, lovers passed away, lost physical sex drive or memories of his own younger days of beauty, fitness and fun.
Conrad nodded back wondering where he would be, what health he would have and if he would be alone at that age.
The man resumed his walk. Conrad hoped the man's moment was made better by their friendly exchange.
"Good karma," Conrad said very low. He closed his eyes.
"Hey boy come to the basement" the voice yelled up the steps in the old grocery store where he worked. Conrad wiped his wet hands on the apron he had to wear at his part time job and move quickly.
Old man Turner was gruff all the time. But he liked Conrad and praised his work now and then, just often enough to make Conrad feel good. And the man hired him when nobody else would. After all he was only 15.
"After school, evenings, Saturdays" the man said simply when Conrad asked if he needed help. Turner knew about Conrad losing his parents years before and that he lived with his Grandfather.
Conrad went down stairs. "Did you close up?" Turner asked.
Conrad had closed and locked the door, dimmed the lights and put the phone on the answer machine.
"Good, come here" Conrad moved close to the man. Turner smelled of the liquor had been drinking. He always took a drink at closing time before going home. Usually Conrad walked the mile to his Grandmother's house.
"I"ll give you a ride tonight" Turner said. He reached for the apron knot on Conrad and untied it. Conrad knew he should stand still. Turner needed him. Conrad liked being needed.
"You're a good guy" Turner said as he unbuttoned Conrad's shirt.
Conrad felt his body being drawn closer and soon felt the warmth of the older man against him. His arms surrouneded him and both Turner and Conrad sighed. They needed these times together.
Conrad started to move to his knees but Turner stopped him. "Not yet" he said and continued to hold the boy. "This is ok with you right?" he asked. Turner had never asked before.
"Gawd yes sir" Conrad said without thinking so his honesty was clearly heard.
He lay across the pile of blankets piled across the stock of sleeping bags. Conrad closed his eyes as his body recieved Turner. His mind traveled to the night he was attacked.
The silhouetted group didn't say much. They grabbed him and cut his clothing off leaving him naked. His small size enabled them to easily lift him and throw him into the pile of straw on the side of the road.
It felt like he was being stabbed. Conrad hoped it would end quickly and he'd see his father and mother soon. But the stabbing wasn't with a knife at all. And time after time they plunged themselves into his butt.
Thanks to his youth, his body expanded and tolerated the experience. The police wrapped him in a blanket and silently took him to the hospital. He begged them not to call his grandmother. The cop who had taken him there told them he'd stay there.
From somewhere clothing appeared and Conrad dressed and rode next to the policeman to his grandmother's house. The cop apologized for not calling her saying he found Conrad retching and took him to the hospital.
"Like the other night?" Semple asked in school. Conrad looked at the naked boy in the locker room. He wasn't mad for some reason. He looked at the penis that dangled there in front of him knowing it had been inside him a few nights before.
"Didn't feel a thing" he said leaving Semple with a blank stare.
He turned over and looked up at Turner. The man was old, he thought. His cock got hard and made itself known inside him. He smiled up at the man's caring face. Conrad liked Turner, probably because the man liked him.
"You Conrad?" the voice asked. He looked at the blue suited man standing next to the bench.
"Yes Sir" Conrad stood and shook the exended hand.
"Good" the man looked him over "In school?"
"Yes Sir, took the day off though" Conrad adjusted his jeans. He never wore underwear and knew that would show off his arousal.
He always hardened instantly when he knew he was being looked at like this.
"Nice, we can have a good day and evening if you're available"
Conrad hadn't planned on a long date but the man was clean cut, obviously prosperous and had a kind face. There would probably be several ways they'd have fun in his hotel room, maybe lunch and even dinner. A nice relaxing evening and hot night too. Breakfast in bed and Conrad would give the man a very nice morning even if the man didn't ask him for it.
Of course the man might be a cross dresser. Conrad had to force himself to interact with those guys. He liked masculine men. The guy could be kinky too. Conrad had had his share of that and found some of it erotic and some excessive.
But the man wanted him and that always made Conrad feel good, sexy and insatible.
"Shit man again?" Kenny couldn't believe Conrad. "Yea man, you took viagra what's the problem?" Conrad looked back.
"Yea I know, but man I can't cum anymore"
"Just pump away so I can" Conrad said
Kenny and he had shared barracks, tent, abuse, training and daily challenge in the Corps. On weekends they found places to have each other in ways they couldn't admit to. They never thought of themselves as queer, gay or dreaded faggots. They were horny young men who had chemistry that enabled them to loose inhibitions one night drunk and repeated times afterwards.
"Meet me at the Paramount. I have to get something first" the man gave Conrad a hotel room key and squeezed his hand "You are one hot guy" he smiled.
Conrad's cock was growing more. He adjusted his jeans lower to give it room and hide the obvious erection as he walked towards the edge of the park.
"Got a hot one I see" the sibilent voice said to him. Carla was what Carl called himself. He dressed obviously and hung around the park. Conrad had met him one night long ago and shared a lonely cold night with the younger boy.
"Yea should be" Conrad said smiling back. "Be careful be safe" he added. It wasn't an off hand remark, it was serious. He liked Carla. The boy was a bit bitchy but genuinely sweet to him, like a younger brother.
"Always" Carla said motioning with his hands like a diva. Somehow Conrad knew the boy wouldn't be and someday would need his help. He swore to himself that would never happen to him.
Nothing damaging if kink was involved, no drugs affecting his thinking and rubbers always on partners' toys or real cocks. Even in the orgies he had submerged himself in, safe insertion was always required.
"By the grace of god" he muttered to himself as the light changed. He walked to the tall white facade building with the gold lettered sign Paramount Suites.
Nodding to the doorman Conrad walked into the lobby as if he belonged there. It wasn't his first time there. The doorman probably remembered him and probably knew why he was there.
But Conrad dressed slickly and neatly always. He behaved himself politely. Even when a customer caused a problem, Conrad would dress and calmly leave the room and hotel without incident.
The elevator zoomed him to the top floor. "Penthouse, nice" Conrad said to the electronic panel.
The suite overlooked the park where he had just waited as planned. It was there he had met Carl long ago the first Fall he came to Boston. It was there he had been arrested once and spent the night in jail
"You're a nice kid. What the hell are you doing hustling?" The cop had said to him in the cell.
"Money" he said simply. It was the cop who gave him a phone number. The voice was calm and explained the arrangement. Conrad accepted the deal.
His phone would ring and the recognizable number would tell him a date had been arranged. He never spoke to the clients about money, just had a good time relating to them, fulfilling whatever fantasy or need they had and left them with a hug or kiss.
The bank account received his portion automatically and he never was broke again. Four years had passed. He was about to graduate college and there were many decisions to make.
He had walked past the policeman a few months later. He stopped the man and thanked him. The cop didn't recognize Conrad at first. His college jeans and te shirt had been replaced by better apparel.
"Hey no problem, glad you uh stopped doing the park thing" the man said he smiled. Conrad offered to buy him lunch or something.
"Not necessary. Maybe sometime we could uh you know meet" The cop said looking around to see if anyone was watching.
The date had been wonderful. The cop appeared in his civilian clothes. Conrad had fantasized about him being in uniform. They ate a meal in the hotel room Conrad had purchased.
Conrad massaged the man head to toe enjoying the moans of pleasure the man gave. He stradled and lowered himself on the mansized erection. That's when the cop got agressive and tossed Conrad over, letting his own agression expand the scene and his cock buried inside. "It was a great fuck" Conrad told Carl later. "And I owed it to him but frankly I felt like I got the better deal."
"Wow" the cop said afterwards. "I've never done that to a boy, er guy before" he smiled. "My wife would freak out" he admitted his indiscretion. "You be safe" the man kissed Conrad on the lips probably so he could compare the kiss to his wife's, wondering why he had enjoyed gay sex so much.
Conrad felt good thanking the cop and surprised he had enjoyed the sex so much.
He had showered that morning before class. But Conrad decided he needed the hot spray on his body. He remained naked afterwards and lay on the bed reading one of the newspapers left there.
When the man came into the hotel room Conrad stood and held the Wall Street Journal in front of his crotch. He wasn't modest or embarassed. Conrad knew better then to show his date everything at once.
The man talked as he stripped naked. He was tall, in decent shape, a bit of hair on his chest and had one nipple pierced. Conrad knew his date wasn't innocent.
"Married?" he asked.
"Separated, two kids, she knows" the man answered. He had obviously answered these questions before
"Today you're mine" he smiled "ok with you?"
"Yes Sir" Conrad knew the scene and knelt obediently.
People have secrets, needs, goals, wants, needs and experiences. Some are bad and worth forgetting while others are good fulfilling.
Conrad liked it when the men took charge. He was tired of being in charge of his own life so when someone else took over, he obeyed willingly.
Soon he'd have to make a decision about what to do, where to go, how to get there, after graduation.
He thought maybe this one, this date, this man would make it for him so the guilt, shame he acknowledged and the bad memories would go away.
"Suck me, boy."