Evil Is a Man

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you like what you're reading, let me know: SellarDhor@gmail.com. And let me know where you want the story to go and who you want Jake to end up with. And if you have any ideas for the future, let me know, I might include them.

APRIL 13th

"You can't just lock us in here. We're bleeding!"

"You've both been bitten by werebeasts. I should kill you now and put you out of your misery, so you should be thankful I'm too busy tending to the Tsar's injuries as well as his sister's to follow through right now. Soon, both of you will be sick and puking as you start to make the transition."

Man-In-Charge left us alone in the dungeon. We were locked in a jail cell under the Sneg Dvorec, after the infantrymen had flown back to the Carstvo. All of the Petov Blood folks were nervous and untrusting of the plane, handling it even worse than Pavlov had in the cage they put her on after Alik insisted he was adopting her. Maxim and Helina had spent the whole flight unconscious, though the one good thing I accomplished was convincing Man-In-Charge that Ganya deserved a hero's welcome in the Carstvo for risking her life to protect Helina when she was unconscious, and he promised to give her Bourgeoisie standing and the wealth that accompanied such status.

The jail cell wasn't really designed for two, it just had a single bed and a chair, but it did have a toilet, sink, and shower (all out in the open). Man-In-Charge hadn't left us with any clothes.

"We need to wash out our wounds," I said.

I helped clean out the bite on Alik's calf, and then I took a full shower and then he washed out the bite wound I had. I ripped cloth strips from the bed and used them to create makeshift bandages for both of us.

"It feels a bit silly to dress our wounds when we are both going to be dead soon anyway," I said.

"Hey, listen to me. We are not going to be affected, either of us."

"But we've both been bitten by werebeasts, and that guy told us that was how you get turned. And if we've turned, they will kill us as soon as they find us."

"I don't care what that dick says, we may have gotten bitten, but look at us. We are two studs in the prime of life, healthy as all fuck. Our immune systems will not fold to the venom. Not even the slightest sickness, you watch."

I smiled. "Okay, Alik, I believe you. Because God has plans for us, needs us to still be on this Earth."

"Here here. Now come here and just let me hold you."

Alik lay on his back on the twin bed and I hopped on top of him, being careful not to bump his ankle.

"I couldn't think of a better pass time than in your arms," I said.

"As long as we are forced to share a bed, we could fuck. What do you think?"

"I know that's your version of being romantic, so I'm flattered. But I'm actually really tired now. All I want to do is sleep."

"That's fine, you do what you want. I could sleep myself."

I kissed him and closed my eyes.

I woke up annoyed sometime later. "It's so hot in here," I said. "You'd think a dungeon in Russia this time of year would be cool, but no dice."

"I guess it's a little hot. I am so hungry now, aren't you? We've been locked in here without a bit of food for forever."

I honestly didn't notice any hunger, but it did feel like a long time we had been locked in there. More than anything I felt tired, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up again sometime later.

"You're awake again."

"I am."

"And neither one of us looks the least bit sick," he said. "Haven't been sick to my stomach at all, have you?"

"I don't think so."

But then I stood up to get a drink of water, and I couldn't deny it anymore. I ran over to the toilet and started to vomit the flesh that had still been in my stomach.

I sobbed. "I'm so sorry," I said to him, both from feeling so bad as well as puking in front of him and most of all of not being able to fight off the tuning. "This means I'm going to turn for sure."

"You don't know that."

"I know that! Alik, you have to face the facts. I'm going to turn, just like Vadim did, and that means they are going to kill me. I need you to tell my family that I died, okay? Tell them I love them."

He grabbed me and turned me towards him, looking into my eyes. "I know you, you are way too put together to lose yourself to becoming a werebeast. You will still be yourself no matter what form your body takes, I know it. And because that humanity will be obvious, they won't be able to execute you."

"None of those monsters kept their humanity, Alik. There's no way that's going to happen to me."

"Jake, that's a load of, well, were-bullshit. I was with Vadim long enough to see a bit of his humanity still existed, and you are way stronger willed than he was. You won't let it defeat you."

I thought about it. Though I had some lingering doubts, I somehow made his words true in my mind. "I can get though this."

"Yes, you can."

"Thanks to your incredible support. I'm so lucky to have you." I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.

"Ack, get off of me!" he yelled, startling me.

"Sorry, does my breath smell?"

"No, I'm going to puke!"

I moved aside and he moved to the toilet, pouring pink bile all through the bowl.

"No! You cannot be sick too! Please tell me this is some sort of sympathy vomit, or maybe a symptom of your nerves acting up?"

"I wish I could, but I suddenly feel sick all over. I'm going to be one of those creatures pretty soon too."

I went over and put my arm around him, starting to cry. "This is all my fault. I'm the one who brought you to the monsters. I've messed up your life."

"Don't be a moron. Were you the one to bite me?"

"No."

"Then you are not responsible for what is happening to me. So, stop those tears please."

I wiped away the tears from my eyes and forced a smile.

"That's what I wanna see. Because we should be fucking celebrating, you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because we will be facing this challenge together, which means we will be unstoppable. No way we are going down. You know why?"

"Because we have our families to think about?"

"Yeah, but something else even more important. We got each other. And not as friends, but as boyfriends."

"Wait a minute, do you mean as proper boyfriends? With sex that has satisfying endings and all?"

"Yup."

"What brings about this change of heart?"

"Well, because all the reasons I was trying to keep us apart before pretty much torn to pieces. First and foremost is the fact that your dating pool pretty much just got reduced to one, yours truly. That's because I'm pretty sure its anatomically impossible for werebeasts to mate with humans or vampires, considering how big they are."

"Well, maybe not impossible, but morally questionable for sure."

"And since all the other werebeasts seem to be total fucks, that means you and I are pretty much fated for each other in this new life of ours. Add to that the fact that werrebeasts don't age and so I won't be getting older than you, as well as the fact that both of us will probably be taking at least a little hit in the smarts department, so my fuzzy intelligence isn't gonna bring you down. That is, if you still accept me as boyfriend. You may want to wait and see what species I become before agreeing to that. I could understand if you just want to be friends if I became a were-skunk, or even worse, a were-porcupine."

"I don't care what animal it is, I will accept you. Yes, yes, I want to be your official, real boyfriend."

"I'm going to give you a sloppy, tongue down the throat kind of kiss right now just to show you how happy I am."

"But I have vomit breath!"

"So do I. Who cares?"

And he kissed me, and it made me feel so much more courageous about the transition we were about to make.

"Even though I feel like I am vomiting up not just the contents of my stomach but the actual stomach as well, I could still rise to the occasion and give you a fuck right now if you want that. Happy endings and all."

"Thanks, but this is about as the least horny as I can remember feeling."

Instead, I leaned over and puked again.

I woke up, my body so hot and achy I wanted to just go back to sleep, and saw Alik, who was intertwined with me, scratching his skin in his sleep, looking absolutely insane. I shook him until he woke up.

"Stop scratching! You're hurting yourself."

He stopped as soon as he was awake. "Listen to me, Jake. I want you to stop trying to fight the physical changes we are going through, because it's not going to help. Instead, save all your fight for stopping the mental changes, because that's where we will it out."

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right. And we have to keep our minds intact for each other's sakes. We can't even conceive of letting each other down."

"No, it won't happen."

He fell back asleep, and I said prayers to God that things would turn out just as Alik was hoping until sleep took me again as well.

The next time I woke up, I saw Alik again was scratching his skin in his sleep. I felt worry as I noticed he was itching so hard, his skin was covered with scratches and cuts. I had to remind myself that he would have his werebeast healing abilities to heal whatever damage he caused himself now, we both would.

How come I hadn't felt itchy myself? I looked down at my skin to find myself covered with blood too. I must have been scratching myself in my sleep just as he was.

I went back to sleep.

I awoke to an awful sound, and looked at Alik's body. I realized the sound I was hearing was coming from his bones expanding, but instead of doing so slowly and smoothly, they were expanding suddenly and violently, one bone at a time, making a snap as they did. In the process, the expanded bones were ripping through what remained of his skin. I could not fathom how what his body was doing was possibly something that anyone could survive, but I knew logically he would be fine.

I fell back asleep.

The next time I woke up, it was like a different person completely was next to me on the ground. There was a very large form on the ground, face down so I couldn't see its features, but it had a lot of fur, and it was enormous.

Is that what I looked like as well now? I had to see for myself.

I shook myself out of my sick stupor long enough to pull myself to my feet and move to the mirror over the sink, looking at myself.

"No, this can't be right!"

Instead of the werebeast I was supposed to become, it was just the normal old me. No change. I looked at the blood on my skin, and realized it wasn't even my own as I had no self-inflicted cuts at all. The blood must have rubbed off from him.

"But I got bit just as badly! I'm supposed to be going through this too!"

I heard a groan from the mound of flesh and fur beside me. I could hear his previously deep breaths become shorter. He made what sounded like a bit of a yawn before standing up, facing away from me. And when he did, his head hit the ceiling of the prison cell, he had gotten so huge.

"I'm sorry I'm still me," I said to him. "Either the process is much slower for me, perhaps because I'm the One, or my illness is something unrelated to turning. I hope it's the former, of course, because we are supposed to be going through this as a couple."

He turned around, and I knew as soon as he faced me what kind of were-animal he was.

"Oh wow, you're a were-gorilla, Alik, of course! And a handsome one too! See, this way I can make an endless string of darn hairy ape jokes at your expense in the years to come!"

I looked him up and down and got a really view of his new form.

He was mostly two colors: grey and white. No, not white, I realized, but actually a light shade of blonde, matching the human Alik's shade. His head was a mixture of gorilla and man, with that gorilla blocky top of his head covered by white fur. His face was grey in color and smooth. His ears were raised up, like a gorilla's, and same with this nose and lips, though his cut jaw line looked more human, as did his eyes. Blonde fur on his chin anc cheeks imitated a human beard.

Alik's muscular shoulders and arms were intact and larger than ever, but this time, they were entirely covered in blonde fur. His huge hands were the only part that were gray and hairless.

His pecs and abs were massive, more cut and veiny than how he was as a human. They were grey, with dark grey nipples. A trail of blonde fur went all the way down the center of his front, blending into his blonde pubes. The sides of his body and his legs were all light fur. His feet were gray and enormous, looking a lot more capable of grabbing than any human feet ever could.

His soft dick was hairless and grey, as well as his balls. All of them were even larger than before, thick and swollen. His cut head was the reddest part of his body, pink and swollen.

He made a very gorilla-like roar, looking at me distastefully.

"It's me, Alik, it's me. I know you recognize me. Jake, your boyfriend. Don't forget who you are."

He roared again and attacked me, crushing my heart as he did so. I didn't have the heart or the energy to muster a counterattack.

He bit into my right thigh, cutting through a lot of skin, causing a lot of pain, and then he bit into my left shoulder, causing even more pain. I started to be soaked with my own blood. Luckily I was lying down so I didn't faint.

I put my hands on his head. "Please, it's me. Please don't hurt me. I'm so not food."

I don't know if it was my words or something he recognized in me visually, but he let go of my shoulder and took a long sniff of my chest. He let out a little grunt of appreciation and surprise.

"Does that smell like me?" I asked. "Please use our romance and affection as a means to get you through this, to get us through it together."

He moved his nose all around my body, smelling me more and more, and then he smelled my crotch, which seemed to excite him further. He pushed my legs up so he could smell my butt, which he liked so much he started to lick me.

As he licked, I watched his unit come to life. It pulsed, twitched, and thickened, turning so much more solid as it stood straight up, looking like it was about ready to burst at any moment. He started to drip precum.

He pulled his face away from my hole and pushed his hard dick against my crack, making a grunt of pleasure as he did so.

He moved his face close to mine. Was he trying to kiss me?

I felt him push against my hole, and I wanted to fight him off, but again I couldn't bring myself to do it. So, he started to push.

He had used all that saliva instinctually somehow to stretch my hole to accommodate his massive head, which he pushed inside me all at once. He pushed all the way inside me and started to thrust against me.

I couldn't tell if this was his attempt at being romantic and following his heart, or if I was being raped by an animal and would likely be eaten after he had his way with me.

"Alik, it's me. Please, please recognize me and promise never to hurt me. Promise to remember who you are. I can see it in your eyes, Alik, I can see you in there! Come back to me!"

I was bawling tears by then, but he stopped moving and looked at me, and I felt like I was seeing the real Alik there once more the way he looked at me.

He opened his mouth and said something. Something that sounded a lot like a cross between a grunt and my name.

"Did you just say my name?!" I asked. "Yes, it's me, Alik, it's me, Jake. Your boyfriend. You have to come back to me."

I heard voices from outside the prison. "Good to see you on your feet again, milord."

"YOU LOCKED THEM IN THE SAME CELL?"

"They both were bitten, what difference does it make?"

"I can only hope you'll understand the difference as I burn you to death. I will not suffer egotistical fools in my service, I'm sure you understand."

I heard what sounded like fire incinerating someone alive while they screamed in pain.

The dungeon door slammed open, and Maxim came running in.

As soon as Alik saw him, any trace of the man who knew me left, and he bit into my throat.

"No, Alik!" I yelled, but he was only looking at Maxim.

"No, my solnyshko!"

He unlocked and opened the jail cell and the next thing I knew, fire was raining upon Alik, causing him to roar in pain.

"Stop, you're hurting him!"

And then Alik's cries came to a sharp conclusion as Maxim delivered a sword blow that cut off his head entirely.

"No, no! God, please don't let this happen. Alik!"

But I started to sob as I realized there was no taking back the action that had occurred, no way to go about curing a decapitated friend. And the body had changed back into Alik's human form, which I knew made it definitive.

"You killed him!"

"In order to save your life!" Maxim said.

"You killed him because you were jealous of him!"

"You know that's not true!"

I did know. He wasn't the least bit of a jealous person. "No. But I never asked for your protection and yet you killed the man!"

"Can you swear to me now that he wasn't just going to eat you?"

"No, I can't. I'm not sure what he would have done to me."

The truth was, I had killed Vadim myself, and I haf wanted to kill Hero as well, even though I knew they had both once been good men. But I had seen them both kill horribly.

"Alik never killed anyone! He didn't deserve to die!"

"You think these things have the choice to kill? We vampires need to drink blood to live, but we don't need to kill. Werebeasts need to eat our flesh or human flesh to survive. Alik would have eaten you, as it was his nature to."

"If you had come here and it was just me here, and I was the one who had been turned, would you then have killed me out of your apparent pity, just like you did to him?"

He shook his head. "No. I could never do that to you. But that doesn't mean my actions would have been the right thing to do."

I cried as I touched Alik's remains. "I'm so sorry."

"I can smell your wounds, my solnyshko. I can't let you say goodbye any longer, I'm sorry."

I felt him lift me up just as I passed out again.

APRIL 14th

I woke up in the pale morning light. I was very numb, my senses coming back to me slowly. I was lying on my side in a very comfortable bed that I knew just from the feel of the mattress.

"Maxim?"

"Mmm, yes, my solnyshko? So glad to hear you're awake."

I realized he was behind me. We were naked, and he was spooning me from behind, holding me.

"Why do I feel so numb? Was it the blood loss?"

I licked away all of your wounds as soon as I could, my solnyshko. But you were still feverish, very ill."

"I've been sick like that this whole time. Are you sure I'm not turning?"

"Yes. You were suffering from a food poisoning of sorts. Did you eat some bad meat, somehow?"

"That were-bull forced me to eat human flesh, Maxim. It was one of the worst moments of my life."

He rubbed my forehead and kissed the back of my head. "I should have been there to protect you, I'm sorry."

"I thought the human meat was fresh, but there might have been some old meat mixed in, I have no idea. But I thought I couldn't get food poisoning?"

"You are immune to bacterial and viral infections, yes. And you also have a special repulsion to parasites. For instance, if ticks or head lice go near you, they instantly move away. Well, what you ate was tainted with worms."

"Sick!"

"If you had been human, the worms would have taken root without you getting sick. Since you are the One, your system repelled them out of your stomach by making you vomit. The fever and passing out were just side effects of that process. As your makeshift dietician, I'm going to recommend not eating raw people flesh again. The flavor may be enticing, but it's just not worth the possible side effects."

I wasn't in the mood for jokes. "How come I didn't turn too? We both got bitten."

"The werebeast bites won't turn anyone unless the person is bitten while the beast is in his animal form. Your bites clearly were made by a much larger mouth, a werebeast."

I started to cry. "This is all my fault," I said. "I was trying to lure the were-bull upstairs so it would have to turn into just a bull, which I guessed correctly was a form that would be easier to fight off. But in the process, the bull bit Alik. If I had known, I never would have risked that."

He used his big muscles and hot skin to soothe me from behind. "You know you can't blame yourself for Alik's death. If you want to cry about it, I'll hold you in my arms and we'll cry together, for as long as you need to. Alik was truly a saint, and I am truly sad for how things ended up for him. You know I am not capable of false tears. But I won't accept any of your self-blaming."

"You owe Alik your life too," I said. "I was only trying to lure the werebull to us in the first place because he was about to make you his dinner."

He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "You chose to put Alik at risk in order to save me, and it's a decision I'm enormously grateful for. I love you so much."

"I wasn't choosing, Maxim."

"No, I understand."

But it sounded like he figured I had subconsciously chosen that action in spite of what I was admitting to myself.

More of my numbness cleared, the part surrounding my lower half, and felt something very interesting. "Maxim, why is your hard dick inside me right now?"

He kissed me on the forehead. "You were feverish not long ago, and my dick is even more accurate a heat sensor than a real thermometer, so I've been keeping track of you like this."

"Without my consent?!"

"No, of course not. I asked you if you were all right with it ahead of time, and you said yes."

"I barely remember that. I was so out of it, I would have agreed to anything. And I suppose this was just about you doing a chivalrous deed? You were just helping me out? I should be thankful for your generosity?"

"No, it's not the only reason, of course not. I love being inside of you, and I knew you were numb enough that I wouldn't hurt you, so I took the liberty. And I must say, you feel as mesmerizing as ever. It's not just about the physical pleasure, my solnyshko. Its like my dick is directly connected to your heart. Every emotion feels heightened for both of us."

That was similar to what Parker told me when he was inside me. I closed my eyes and let myself be seduced by Maxim. "It does feel good for me too, I must admit."

"Those words just made my week, my solnyshko. I'm so happy."

He started to thrust in and out, back and forth, behind me, and it did feel good.

But Parker would never have gotten inside me without me begging him over and over again to do so.

"You say your dick can feel my emotions? Well then, I hope it recognizes anger and disappointment, because that's all the emotions I am feeling right now for you."

"Jake, you don't mean that."

"No, I don't, because there's actually another emotion I feel even stronger. Repulsion."

I pulled away from him and jumped out of the bed.

"Okay, so I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that. Jake, I'm sorry. Please, you have to understand something. Since you left, I haven't slept a wink. Haven't been able to. I lie in bed for hours each night and try, try until I'm hysterical, tears sobbing, but the sleep never comes. I cannot sleep without you ever again. The longer I am without sleep, the more insanity sets in. And no, being unconscious because of severe bloodloss does not qualify as rest. So you see, I would have never taken advantage of you like that before if I hadn't been pushed to the edge."

I started to put on clothes from my bag, which he had put nearby. "You need to stop getting so hung up on me, Maxim. You need to let go. You obviously are someone who loves romance, so you should be dating new people."

"I will not! And I'm forbidden."

"I never asked you to make a legal vow of fidelity to me. And if that was supposed to be in my honor, then I am telling you, I terminate that vow. You are free to date whomever you wish."

"There's no other I will ever wish to date, and the vow holds regardless of your words. We were meant for each other, and my existence is just a pale comparison to the sunlight you brought me when we were together."

Tears were pouring into his beard.

"I would never stay with you just out of a sense of pity alone, you must understand that."

"I only understand that we belong together. I will do anything to make you see that."

"I'm leaving. And in case I never officially said it, Maxim Petrov, I invoke the power of the Vampire Council. Which requires you to attend my hearing and vote on whether to let Jericho kill me or not."

"I know what that means!"

"Nadeen, it's Alik."

She gasped. "He's dead, isn't he?"

"Yes. I'm so sorry."

She started to cry and I followed her there. "I can't believe this. Just when our lives were on the up and up, he had to go and get himself killed."

"Words cannot say how sorry I am for you."

"How did he die?"

I couldn't give her the whole truth, it was too awful. "He died saving my life." It was a true enough answer. "I wish it had been me dying to save his life, but it wasn't. I'm sorry."

"Of course that's how he died. He was the biggest hero I could have even conceived of. Alik, you will be missed."

I stroked her back, comforting her as the tears came down my face. "Yes, Alik, you will."

And the two of us sobbed together for what seemed like an eternity.

The memorial took place that very night. I was so nervous that it would end up being like Parker's memorial, as that one too had been at night, totally non-religious, and involving cremation, but luckily, my fears did not come to pass.

Just like I had with Parker's, I spent a long time making sure my suit was perfect. Even though I knew Alik hadn't really been that interested in how people dressed, I still wanted to do it for myself.

Instead of having to watch as Alik's decapitated body was burned right in front of us, the body had been dressed in a suit and was in a casket when we arrived, so I got to go look at him and cry all anew seeing him there. The actual cremation didn't happen during the ceremony at all, but after, and it wasn't visible to any of us.

Even though the ceremony took place with so little notice, there was a huge turnout of mourners, mostly all from the Proletariat. Some just were a fan of him a s a boxer, but a huge amount came out to share touching stories of his kind deeds. Nadeen, Helina, and I all took our turns at the podium, sharing our stories.

Maxim was there too, of course crying the entire time. But he kept his distance from Helina and I, and I gave him a look when he was going to take a turn at the podium as one of the speakers that I was not comfortable with that, and he backed down.

During the final moments, I bent down in front of Alik's body praying to God to see to poor Alik's soul. I had no doubt he was in Heaven then with Parker.

Nadeen shaed with Helina and I her touching plans. Instead of spreading the ashes somewhere herself, she was got permission from Maxim to leave the Carstvo, as she had found Alik and Petro's parents and sister, and she planned to tell them about their son (a modified version, of course) and give them his ashes. I was tempted to join her, but Helina, much more practical, reminded me I had so many more Bloods to visit in my future.

APRIL 15th

"I'm trying to take good care of Pavlov in honor of Alik. But I can't believe how expensive dogs are," I complained to Helina. "I spent half a fortune just now on pet supplies."

"I'm not even going to tell you how much her veterinary bill just was in order to get her shots up to date."

"How can anyone who can't afford golf clubs or skis legitimately sign up for such a financial black hole? Buying a dog is just as foolish an activity for anyone in the ninety-nine percent as splurging on a Mercedes instead of getting a reasonable option. Those idiots who get sucked into the glamor don't even realize that parts and upkeep is like three times the price, not to mention the insurance."

"I'm sorry, was I supposed to comprehend more than one-tenth of what you just said? If so, I am a total failure, like usual."

"I guess I should have put it in Petrov terms. Owning a dog is comparable to when people here buy expensive trains instead of sticking to more modest engine models."

"That's a very cute attempt at applying this concept to Petrov society, except no one here could possibly afford their very own train. But enough complaining. What did you spend all of our money on?"

"Look at my backpack. It's doubled in weight and volume ever since I went to the pet store." I started to pull item out of it. "Here's a leash and a muzzle." I put those on her.

"She doesn't seem to like that muzzle."

"Well, too bad, she's a dog and sadly doesn't have much say in fashion choices. I also got dog food and this." I pulled out a collapsible cage.

"What is that?"

"It builds into a travel-cage for her to sleep in."

"Is that really necessary to bring along?"

"Isn't it? I don't know, I've never had a dog before. One thing confused me. They had cat litter there, but no sign of dog litter. I know dogs are fine going outside, but what if I need to bring her inside? If she doesn't use a litter box, does that mean she'll be fine using a toilet?"

"Unless dogs have evolved substantially in the time I've been kept captive, I'd say no. If you want to bring her indoors, you'll still need to take her outside occasionally."

"This sounds like so much work for a species that I've never found any enjoyment with. Maxim did offer to keep her for me."

"Do you really want to owe any favors to Maxim?"

"No, I guess not. But Pavlov only knows Russian commands, and I still know no Russian."

"No worries, I'll be there to translate your commands to her."

I raised an eyebrow. "You are coming with me, really? Just to translate?"

She made a mocking laugh. "Oh yes, I'm volunteering to go on a long and treacherous journey with you just to help you translate dog commands to your pet. No, you fool, I'm coming with you because you're my best friend and I care about what happens to you."

"You do understand that this isn't just some fun adventure I'm on. There's real, horrible danger involved."

"Well gee, now that you warned me, I'm going to pull out before I break a nail or something. Because it's not like I was on your last adventure when we both almost got killed by werebeasts or anything."

"I'm touched that you would still want to come along after all that."

"You can be touched, just as long as you don't touch me. You know how dreadfully I hate hugging."

"Don't stand right there," I said to Helina. We were on the street, close to the Sneg Dvorec. "I think you're in the way."

"In the way of what? There's no horses or carriages anywhere."

"Just trust me! You so do not want to be standing right there."

After she moved aside, a hole was carved into the street, creating a floating portal to Big Horn's camp back in Texas. Seeing this created more shock on Helina's face than perhaps I had ever seen, which to bystanders, she probably didn't look that impressed.

Big Horn came walking through before the portal went away again. He looked me over. "Crazy Kid. Yes, I did actually manage to use your infernal button device to get your plea for help."

"It's called a cell phone, Big Horn!"

"Even I know what that is," Helina said.

"I hope your vacation in Russia wasn't quite so traumatic as your stay in Texas, Crazy Kid."

"The jury's still out on that one, I'm afraid."

Big Horn looked at the back of my head and narrowed his eyes. "Your head is littered with deep bruises." He looked sternly at Helina. "Are you responsible for this?"

"I'm sorry, I just can't keep my hands off him. We are always having violent lovers' quarrels."

"Ah, and since Crazy Kid is a gay bottom who could never get it up for a woman, I'll take it that your new female friend has a taste for black humor."

"Jake, do tell me the exact nature of your relationship with your new male friend here that would let him know with such exactness your sexual proclivities."

"Wait a second," I said. "I never slept with Big Horn, or told him I was a bottom."

"That's beside the point," he said.

"That's not what I consider myself, but I'd rather not debate my sexual tastes in front of poor Helina."

"Thanks so much for your kindness," she said to me.

"So how did you end up all bruised, Kid?"

"I really couldn't say."

"Because you don't remember being involved in any significant batteries?"

"No, because there were so many batteries upon me of late, both physically and sexually, that I couldn't possibly identify where a single bruise came from."

"That's it," Big Horn said. "I'm not leaving your side until I know you are good and safe. I should have realized that all kids need their chaperone."

"I actually volunteered to protect him," said Helina.

"And what a terrific job you've done as a protector thus far, clearly."

"She really has been wonderful. You don't have to come with us, Big Horn."

"I make my own decisions, and I've decided."

"Well, Big Horn, this is Helina. But I'm sure you'll just throw her real name out the window entirely and come up with something that suits your fancy better, so I guess there was no point even telling you her name."

"Oooh, I want a nickname. What have you got?"

"Do you always wear dresses that have not a single shade of color on them?" he asked.

"I guess so, because they go with my hair."

"Lady of Darkness."

"I like the ring to it! And as long as we are in the business of making names up based on one's chosen outfit selections, I'll call you, `Painfully-Immodest-Man-Whose-Whole-Outfit-Isn't-More-Than-4- Square-Centimeters. Doesn't that just roll off the tongue?"

"Maybe you should ask my venerated people who invented my loincloth. Oh wait, they've all been killed off by people of your skin complexion."

"If you are trying to make me feel guilty, it's not working."

"Please stop arguing long enough to get us out of here, Big Horn."

"Opening up a portal now," he said.

"Where to this time?"

"To India. To the Shankar Blood."

As Helina walked through the portal as if it was as ordinary as walking through a house door, and I pulled Pavlov through by force, Big Horn folded his arms and flexed his biceps, looking disapproving at me. "Hmmph."

"What are you disappointed in me now for?" I asked.

"The dog," he said. "We need to talk about how you treat that dog."

"Why am I so sure my travels are about to get a hundred times more lecture-filled with you on board?"