Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Good tidings we bring... Okay enough of that. :c) But still, HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Woohoo 2001 baby!
Okay, here is the shortly awaited (but anticipated) Chapter 9!!! I hope it meets everyone's approval. I worked really hard on this one to try to make it interesting and thoughtful. I think those are the right words :P
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Chapter 9 "Love's light" By: Secret Dreamer dreamsecret@poetic.com
Sylvia took James from my arms when we entered the hospital. She led me to Donny's room.
"Go in, dear. I'll be in the waiting room."
I hugged her and James tightly before pushing open the door. I didn't recognize the body that lay before me. The pale skin and sunken face. His once brown hair was gone, leaving a pale scalp.
I sat down in the chair and scooted closer. I grasped his hand, wanting to wail at how small he seemed.
"Iya," he whimpered, his head moving from side to side. "Oh Iya. I need you. Where are you? Iya."
I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb. "I'm right here, sweetheart. I'm here."
He continued to toss and turn before finally lying still. How I wanted to crawl into the bed and take him into my arms. Kiss him, stroke his head, where his hair used to be, and tell him everything would be okay. That I would be here until the end.
"I'm here," I repeated. "I won't leave you."
I looked around the dull room. The curtains were open but there was no sun to fill the room, to bring in some light to brighten the mood. Small white curtains with a spray of daisies hung above the glass. The walls were an ugly green. The green that always reminds you of vomit or melted pistachio ice cream. Machines lined the other side of the bed. A heart monitor, an IV, and a few others I couldn't identify with my lack of hospital training.
Donny's head rested on a crisp white pillow. He almost melted into it except for his still dark eyelashes. He'd always had the most beautiful, feminine looking eyelashes. It was one of his best features. Aside from his lost hair.
I knew a white sheet covered his body underneath the quilt that Sylvia had brought to him. I would recognize that quilt anywhere. The trimming was a pale blue, a blue almost identical to the sky when there are no clouds and the blue radiates volumes. There were pale purple flowerish-looking patterns all over it. The background of the flowers ended a few inches from the blue trimming, it was a different shade of blue. It was darker but blended beautifully with the other two. Sylvia had made it while I was pregnant with James and Hazel.
I fingered the edge and held back a sob. How many times had I wrapped one of them in this quilt? Held them close to my breast and rocked them to sleep. Or fallen asleep by the fire and awoke to have it keeping me warm.
"Iya?"
My attention was snapped back to the body laying before me.
"Iya? Is it really you?" Donny whispered hoarsely.
I nodded. "Yeah, sweetie. It's me."
He smiled and sat up, throwing his arms around me. "I'm so glad to see you! I've missed you so much!"
I held him to me, enjoying the feel of him in my arms again. "I've missed you too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I moved. I should've."
He chuckled. "Don't worry about it. Mom tracked you down and that's all that matters. You can't escape the Hamilton's. Even if you wanted to."
I let go of him and sighed with relief to see that the twinkle in his blue eyes was still there. He hadn't lost everything I'd loved so much. "Why would I want to escape a Hamilton?"
"Exactly what I told mom and dad."
I hugged him again. "It's so good to see you."
He looked behind me. "There's no one with you? No Jonathan? No Gretchen?"
I laughed. "Oh boy you've missed a lot."
"So tell me already," he smiled and lay back down on the bed, propped up on one elbow.
"Gretchen and I broke up a few months ago. Feel free to enter any cheers of happiness."
Donny looked at me, a serious expression on his face that hadn't quite reached his eyes. "Actually, I kind of liked Gretchen."
I lifted an eyebrow at him. "You're a horrible liar. You hated her just as much as everyone else."
He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Okay. Yes. I hated her but she made you happy."
"Well we broke up and Jonathan has a new boyfriend. Adam. They're moving to California together. And I met someone new."
"Oh?" He leaned closer. I'd forgotten how frightening Donny's interest could be.
I nodded. "Her name is Dawn Reed. She's an actress."
He snapped his fingers a few times and started shuffling through a few papers on the bedside table. He found the one he was looking for and began leafing through it. He held it up. "Her?"
I looked at the picture and gawked in surprise. There she was. Smack in the middle of the page smiling brightly at the camera. I read the caption.
"Rising star : Dawn Reed who recently starred in 'Storm Front' on Broadway to work with Tanya Lang and Reggie Blummin in the new Curran Waters film 'To Love You'."
"That's her," I laughed sitting back in my chair.
Donny looked closely at the picture. "She's cute."
"She's pregnant."
His jaw hit the floor. "Really? Iya, you dog," he joked.
I snickered. "Dork. She's only a month along."
He smiled wistfully. "I remember when you were pregnant," he brushed the hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. "You were beautiful. You always wore your hair up and that green dress. The one without sleeves."
"I remember. The summer was terrible! I felt like a beached whale."
"You looked like one," he chuckled.
I smacked him in the arm. "It's not funny! It sucked!"
"Yeah, but think about what we got out of it."
I stared at the door, expecting James to come walking in. "He's grown up so much since I saw him last."
"Iya?"
I turned back to Donny and smiled.
"I want you to take care of James."
My smile faltered slightly. Raise James? I'd wanted to have him with me everyday since his birth but not with these kinds of consequences. "Are you sure?"
He nodded. "Mom and Dad are getting to old to take care of him. They need to have a proper retirement. He loves you and I want him to stay with you."
I took his hand in mine. "Of course I will. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't?"
He smiled. "Do you need to ask Dawn?"
I stared at the floor. "Dawn and I may not be together anymore."
"Why? What happened?"
"Well, I kind of, you see, it was complicated! It was probably my fault but dammit! I'm sure she has secrets too. I didn't plan on keeping it a secret. I just wanted her to have a fair chance and opinion before I told her. Is that so wrong? I mean I didn't mean-"
"Iya! Can you make sense? Just a little bit?"
"Oh, sure. See, I never really told Dawn about you, James, and Hazel until after Sylvia and I talked. I wanted her to meet you guys and love you so when I told her, she would already be so in love with you two that she wouldn't care. Plus, after seeing how much James looked like me, she was bound to have a small suspicion."
Donny scrunched up his forehead in that way that I hate. He was getting ready to lecture me. "You really shouldn't have done that to her. I mean, when you date someone, as seriously as you two seem, you trust everything in them. Besides, that's just unfair! You'd be putting her on the spot. What if she hadn't liked us? I know you wouldn't have continued the relationship. It would've been better if she went into it knowing that you come with a son and an ex-boyfriend."
I got up from the chair and began walking around the room, hands clasped behind my back. "That's impossible! It's impossible not to love you guys."
"That's not the point, Iya! The point is, you lied to her."
My jaw dropped open. "I most certainly did not!"
"When she found out she was pregnant, did you tell her you had been pregnant?"
I stared at the floor. "No. But she didn't ask!"
"So? It's the same thing."
I flopped down into the chair. "Now I remember why I only see you on major holidays," I grumbled.
He grinned and batted his eyelashes. "You know you love me."
We both giggled as the door swung open and James came bounding in.
"Daddy! Daddy!" he hollered and tried to climb up onto the bed.
I picked him up and put him in my lap. "Are you giving Grandma any trouble?"
He giggled and buried his head in my neck as Sylvia came puffing in. She bent over, catching her breath.
"Sorry, he just went dashing off, dears."
"It's okay. Let him stay," Donny said. "Pull up a chair and stay too."
James stayed on my lap, jabbering a mile a minute to Donny. I absentmindedly stroked my fingers through his hair and thought about Dawn. I felt awful for what I'd done but at the time it seemed like a good idea. I could only hope that she would forgive me in the end.
He bounced a few times. "Mommy?"
I continued to stroke his hair. "Yes, sweetie?"
"Are you going to stay?"
"Of course sweetheart!"
"Forever?"
"Forever."
Donny had fallen asleep and Sylvia had taken James home. I sat next to the bed, staring off into space. It was times like this that I thought about Dawn and missed her the most. The way the sun streaked through her hair. How her blue eyes sparkled when she laughing. How right it felt to have her in my arms.
I wiped away a tear and sat down on the cot the hospital staff had left for me. The sheets were rough against my skin as I lay on the flat pillow. I wrapped my arms around myself and shut my eyes forcefully until it hurt too much to move. All I wanted was the simulation the she was there. That it was her arms holding me tightly and never letting me go.
And then there was Donny. God what was I going to do without him? He'd been my best friend for so long. Longer than Jonathan. I peered over at the sleeping boy. Except he wasn't a boy anymore. The image was blurry but he was still as beautiful as the day I saw him. I tightened the pressure on my arms. I'd loved him for so long and still did. Never as the way I had but he was closer to me than a brother and closer to me than a lover. Again, the pressure tightened. I just wish I hadn't missed all the years I could've had with him.
I fell asleep with bruises up and down my arms.
"Donny, you are such a freak!" a 13 year-old Iya Moon laughed over a bowl of popcorn.
"I'm a freak? Look at you! You're hair is blonde!" Donny Ramirez giggled, nearly spewing Pepsi from his nose.
Iya threw a handful of popcorn at him. "Yeah! And it's your fault! You said it was RED!"
"It was! Besides, I didn't think it would make your hair that blonde."
"Gee, the tingling sensation running through my scalp kind of gave it away!"
"How was I supposed to know! I've never dyed anyone's hair blonde before!"
"Yeah and this is going to be the last time, too!"
"If it makes you feel better, it looks pretty hot."
Iya turned and peered at the mirror. "I do look pretty hot, don't I? Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea." She pulled her hair up on top of her head and modeled herself before giggling.
"At least you're hair didn't fall out," Donny pointed out. "Can I cut it?"
"No!" Iya shrieked and tackled him onto the rec room floor. "Touch my hair with a pair of scissors and I'll shave your balls!"
Donny laughed. "You don't have the guts."
She glared at him. "Wanna bet?"
"$20 says you won't do it."
Iya laughed evilly. "You're on, baldy."
"Iya?"
I shook my head and smiled at Donny. "Hmm?"
"You okay? You just sorta blanked out there for a second."
I giggled. "I was remembering that time you dyed my hair blonde and you bet me $20 I wouldn't shave your balls. You still owe me that $20."
Donny's rich laugh filled the room. "I still can't believe you did that."
I rolled my eyes. "Do you know how many sleeping pills in that coke to know you out? Besides, I had to get you back for turning me into blonde."
He giggled. "Yeah. That was great! I have to ask Mom if she's got any photos left."
I grinned. "I know she's got photos of you in all your hairless glory."
I watched with glee as his jaw hit the floor. "You took pictures?" he squeaked.
I nodded. "Why else do you think Sandra Blossom turned you down?"
"You didn't!"
"You're right, I didn't but I really wanted to. I figured shaving your balls and letting you enjoy the itch was enough. Besides, watching you squirm during English class was truly priceless."
He grumbled and threw a pillow at me. I threw it back and stuck out my tongue.
He sighed dramatically. "Why I ever put up with you I don't know."
"Because you love me ever so much."
He sighed again and rolled his eyes toward the window. "Picky picky picky."
It had taken a few hours but we finally convinced the doctor to let us take Donny around the grounds. He was getting restless from staying cooped up in the hospital room.
The grounds were remarkably nice. A garden was in the back allowing some sort of illusion that we really weren't a few feet away from a large building that screamed 'death'. At least, to me it did.
Donny sat in the wheelchair, his arms loosely draped around James' waist who was riding merrily on his lap. He pointed out flowers that were pretty and giggled when a squirrel stopped and wiggled his nose at us. I pushed the wheelchair with Sylvia walking quietly next to me. Every so often she would start to hum 'Amazing Grace' but would stop when she realized she was doing it. It put a wrench in my heart to know the meaning of it. I was still hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a bad, bad dream.
"Iya? Mom?" Donny squeaked.
We both peered at him. His face was suddenly extremely pale and his hands were trembling. Sylvia scooped up James and I quickly wheeled him back to the hospital and to his room. With my help, he crawled in as Sylvia ran for the doctor.
"Mommy, mommy what's going on? What's happening to Daddy?" James whispered, pulling on my pant leg.
I scooped him up and held him to me as the doctor and a few nurses came running in. We were shooed out as machines were brought in and others were taken out. Sylvia was sitting in the waiting room, shaking furiously. I sat down next to her with James on my lap and placed my hand over hers.
She stared up at me, tears streaming down her face. "I. I thought I would be ready for this. I thought that it was for the best. He would be out of pain and he would be with God. But it's not any easier."
James slid down off my lap and crawled into Sylvia's. "It's okay, Grandma. Daddy is going to be okay."
She held him tightly. "Oh James," she sobbed.
He wrapped his arms around her neck, a stupefied look on his face. He'd never seen Sylvia cry before.
I stared down at the tiled floor. My hair slid off my shoulder and fell toward me. A few tears slid down my cheeks. I wanted to wake up now. I wanted to wake up in my New York apartment with Dawn wrapped in my arms. To be laughing in Central Park with Jonathan, Olivia, and Love. I wanted to be anywhere but here, but at the same time this was the only place I wanted to be. I didn't have a New York apartment anymore where I would wake up with Dawn wrapped in my arms. I wouldn't be laughing in Central Park with Jonathan, Olivia, and Love.
"Mrs. Ramirez?" the doctor called suddenly.
All three of our heads shot up. Sylvia put James in my lap and hurried off. I watched as they talked, James leaned against me and played with a strand of my hair. Somehow, the touch soothed my nerves. The wide-eyed innocent.
Sylvia hugged the doctor and cried before coming back over to us. "He's stabilized. We can go back in now."
I nodded and picked up James. The room was quiet except for the steady heart beat. A tube ran through Donny's nose. His eyes were closed and was sickeningly pale.
I sat down with James in my lap and rocked from side to side. I wanted to sing but could only think of one song. So I sang it. "If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry...if I'm gone when you wake up it's not good-bye...don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress..." but I couldn't finish it.
James was staring at me, tears shimmering in his eyes. Sylvia sat on Donny's other side, holding his hand to her forehead, as she bent over in prayer. I tried to smile at James, give him some reassurance but I couldn't. I could only hold him close to me and try not to cry.
He sat up on his knees and looked at me. Before I could say anything, he flung his arms around my neck and wailed. The sound broke my heart. I picked him up and he wrapped his tiny legs around me. I opened the door to the hallway and walked up and down. Softly humming and stroking his hair.
He still cried and cried but quietly as he shook with his spasms.
"I know no one is too blame, do you feel my strength when you call my name. Cause I feel yours inside..." I sang softly but couldn't bring myself to sing the rest.
I almost sighed with relief when Sylvia came walking up and took James into her arms, who had fallen asleep.
"I'm going to take him home. Do you want to come along?"
I shook my head. "I want to stay here with Donny."
She nodded and kissed my cheek. "Call if there is any change."
"I will," I returned the kiss and kissed the top of James' head. "Sleep well, sweetheart," I whispered to him.
Sylvia smiled and walked away.
I went back into Donny's room and sat down on the same chair as before. I scooted it closer to him and took his hand. I rubbed my thumb along the back of his hand.
Tell me what else can I do. Well I'm nothing without you.
I missed him already and he wasn't even gone. I wanted his eyes to open and to laugh and tell me it was all a big joke. The doctors were people they hired and it was just a joke to get me to come home.
But you, you just don't know what to do. I guess I'll have to lose my love for you. These feelings cannot stay. 'Cause I'm withering away.
I swallowed hard and fought back more tears. I didn't want to cry. He didn't need tears. He needed all of our strength and courage. I just didn't know if I had any courage left.
And teardrops are all that I can give. But do you really know what true love is. Don't let it slip away. This doesn't happen everyday.
A few tears tears escaped down my cheek. I let them before closing my eyes tightly and clasping my hands together. I rested my head on my fist and bit my lip so hard I felt blood trickle down my chin.
But you have closed my eyes. And love's light shall never rise. Shall never rise on me.
I watched him sleep on and on in a comatose. I longed for the days when we were carefree and danced around like idiots on warm summer nights in the backyard. I closed my eyes.
And I'm scared I'll never hold you again. But I know that no one is to blame.
I looked up at him and saw how peaceful he looked. His eyelashes wavered as he slept. "Good-bye, Donny," I whispered and broke down.
--
The song that is in between Iya's thoughts is called "Love's Light" by Vertical Horizon. It's a really beautiful song and I really recommend that you download it. Well there's Chapter 9. I know it was kind of depressing but what can you expect?? Yes, there are going to be some more depressing chapters through the story. It's kind of like life. It's never perfect. There's always a pebble that's going to get thrown in to create ripples and rough up the story.
But I hope you've enjoyed this creation thus far and hope you'll enjoy chapters yet to come.
Don't forget to smile, Secret Dreamer dreamsecret@poetic.com