Falling for Alex

Feel free to email me with any comments or thoughts, otherwise enjoy, Logan.

Chapter three

You hanged up on him!' I glared at Alex, stunned by his actions. Why the hell did you do that for?'

`I had too. It was Johnathan you were speaking too wasn't it?'

Alex's posture as he sat in front of me on the bed hadn't changed dramatically, but I noticed the smaller things. I noticed how rigid he'd become, how he sat now without making even the slightest movement. His eyes held an intensity that would have frightened me if I didn't know him, didn't trust him. They seemed darker, seemed to bore right into me with even more scrutiny then that which I stared at him with.

Yes! And you just hanged up on him!' I wanted to be angry, in a way I was and it sounded in my words. But I was more confused then anything. I don't get it, why didn't you want him to know your name?'

Alex stared back at me without replying immediately. I couldn't handle his silence. Give me the phone back.' I reached out for the phone with my bandaged hand; it was still mainly numb though my fingers were tingling with enough sensation to grasp the phone. But he didn't give it to me. The only movement he made was to lower his eyes down to the phone in his hands and away from mine. You turned it off didn't you?' I didn't need an answer to that; Johnathan would have tried to ring back immediately. And so I didn't wait for Alex to reply. I moved off the bed and walked out the door, still nothing coming from Alex to stop me.

In the bathroom I found my boxers and pulled them on. Storming back into the bedroom I found that Alex had barely moved. He still sat on the bed, but had turned to now face the doorway and me as I came back in. I didn't look at him. I couldn't handle this sudden change in him. I didn't understand. My thoughts were chaotic and jumbled. And there was only one thing I knew. I had to get out. I had to get away. It was my most basic reaction to any uncomfortable situation. I'd lost count of the times I'd walked away from my family, disappearing for hours at a time. Whether I felt scared, angry, frustrated or hurt my reaction was always to flee. To escape and find solace the only way I knew how. To be on my own with only my thoughts to calm me, although lately alcohol had been involved there too. On my side of the bed I leant down to finally find my jeans tucked underneath. And as I pulled them on Alex finally spoke.

`I'm sorry Logan; I shouldn't have taken the phone off you.'

In my peripheral vision I could see Alex stand and take a step toward me.

`There are some things I need to tell you, really I should have told you before but I didn't know how you would react.'

Now I was the one who didn't reply. I moved past him, barely acknowledging him as he stood at the foot of the bed. I reached down to the clothes heaped beside Alex's black duffel bag and grabbed the first shirt I saw, a dark grey one.

`Logan stop, I don't want you to leave.'

I felt his hands on my shoulders and instinctively tried to shrug them off, but he kept hold of me, turning me around to face him. `Let go of me!' I growled far harsher then I meant too. I couldn't help it, I felt like I was being restrained. But as Alex quickly let go of me I instantly wished that he hadn't. I looked deep into his eyes, his face. I hated what I saw; I hated seeing the pain in his eyes and knowing that I was causing it. I cared for him so much I couldn't stand seeing him hurt even though logically I knew it wasn't my fault.

`Logan please, you said you trusted me, you do trust me don't you?'

I couldn't hurt him by saying the truth, by saying what I really felt right now. And so I couldn't say anything.

Alex raised his hands slightly, like he wanted to reach out to grab my arms and hold me in place once more, but he seemed to think better of it, lowering his arms back down to his sides. I care about you Logan, more then I've ever cared about anyone.' He spoke, desperation breaking apart his normally controlled and even tone. You have to believe that. My life is complicated, I'm used to controlling everything and everyone in it, and I'm not accustomed to explaining myself to anyone. But I don't want to be that way with you. I act differently around you, I am myself, my true self, there is no pretence, you actually know the real me Logan, you know me better then the majority of people I've known for years.' His deep blue eyes glistened with despair as he held up the phone. `I've been carrying this phone with me for months now, I never leave it anywhere. I never want to miss your calls, even though I'm usually the hardest person on the planet to get hold of by phone. You can'

t even begin to understand how deeply I feel for you. Every small thing you do has such a profound effect on me, like when I make the briefest mention of something, you remember and ask me about it later. I've never met anyone who cares as much as you do. You seem to know exactly when something is bothering me no matter how small and insignificant I make it sound. You know. You know me.'

I feel that too.' It floored me to hear him say the same things I felt about him. I hadn't seen this side to Alex before. I was used to him being confident and happy like he normally was when I spoke to him, I was even used to the caring way he spoke to me when I was troubled. I liked those things about him. He was someone who was always so strong, inside and out. But here he was opening his heart to me, showing a vulnerable side I hadn't seen before. I didn't even know it had existed. And I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say something comforting, I wanted to see the smile I loved lighting his eyes. But I couldn't say the things I needed too just to make everything the way I liked it. My mind was still confused, but I was hurt too. There was still much to Alex I didn't know. Would I like all the other parts of him as much as those parts I knew? But I need to know the things you are hiding....' I had to lower my eyes away from his; I couldn't stand to see the pain there

. It seemed to penetrate deep into my heart, seemed to tear at it so deeply I could physically feel pain. `If you really care that much, you would know that you could tell me anything, you would tell me everything.'

I want too.' He finally broke through his reservations and reached out to grasp my hand, squeezing it. But I wanted to wait. I wanted to make sure you trusted me first; I wanted to make sure you knew that my feelings for you were genuine. I don't want you to think for a moment that they are anything less.' Hesitantly his other hand reached out, his fingertips lightly touching my chin, guiding my eyes back up to his.

I don't know what to think.' I said honestly, staring once more into his eyes, his deep, caring eyes. You need to tell me what's going on.'

I know.' He said, exhaling slowly, half closing his eyes. I know I do.'

I could tell he didn't want to and I'm sure I didn't breathe as I waited, my mind zipping from one possibility to the next.

I know Johnathan.' He finally said, quickly continuing before I could fully digest his words. We haven't spoken for years but we have a, well, I can only say we have a complicated history. There is no point in dredging through the details, they are best left in the past, but there is nothing good there. That's why I didn't want him knowing that you were with me, I didn't want him knowing I was anywhere near here. It's only going to bring trouble.'

`But you spoke to him, when you rang my cell phone last night.' I still couldn't fully comprehend his words, but my mind was buzzing with the effort.

`He didn't recognise my voice; I haven't spoken to him in eleven years.'

When you were twenty?' I asked, working it out in my own mind out aloud. But I would have been living with him for a year then...so that means that you knew me, you knew who I was. You knew who my father was when you met me six months ago.'

`Yes, and that's why I didn't want to say anything, not yet. I don't want you to think I had any ulterior motives in speaking with you. Because I don't. When I first met you that night six months ago, I figured out quickly who you were as you spoke about Johnathan. Maybe that did have something to do with us swapping numbers initially. But not for long. Honestly, Johnathan being your father just makes things more difficult for me. But the way I feel about you isn't so difficult. I know what I feel; I've been searching for someone like you for so long.'

Unconsciously I pulled my hand out of his and turned away.

`You're not leaving are you?'

`I need to think.' And I did. I wanted to know more, but at the same time I was still struggling with what I'd already heard. There was a large part of me that didn't know whether to believe Alex or not. Was it possible that he was just using me to get at Johnathan in some way?

`Logan.'

He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back to him, and I didn't struggle. I pressed my head against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

`I never want to hurt you.' He whispered.

And suddenly I believed it. It was like something was clicking together inside me. No matter my confusion I could only think of a million things he'd said or done to show that he really did care, and I couldn't discount it all. What I felt from him was real. It had to be. `I need to take a shower.' I said, moving away from him and turning toward the open doorway before I could look at his eyes and be drawn back in.

He didn't follow me and I showered alone with my thoughts. As I dressed in Alex's dark grey shirt I could only be sure of two things. First I needed to know more, and secondly, I was sure that Alex cared about me.

Alex was still in the bedroom as I came back in. I couldn't tell if he'd moved around or not but he was sitting on the end of the bed still clutching the phone in his hands. His eyes rose to meet me as I walked in, desperately searching my expression to try and gauge my feelings.

`You look good in that shirt.' He said hesitantly, unsure of what I was going to say.

Thanks.' I replied. I couldn't stop the small smile from creasing my lips. I liked him so much it hurt to see him anything but happy. It's dressier then what I normally wear, but I can't exactly go outside in nothing.'

`You're still leaving?' He stood quickly, concern clouding his beautiful blue eyes.

`Yeah I'm hungry. But with me wearing this shirt I'm likely to be robbed so you'll have to come and protect me.'

He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly, expelling all air from my lungs and crushing my arms between me and his firm torso. `Okay, okay, can I breathe now?' My voice was muffled against his blue shirt and I laughed a little, purely to release some of the anxiety inside.

He pulled back enough to let me breathe easier, but didn't let go entirely. His hands were still tightly wrapped around my arms and his lips found mine, kissing me softly. `I'll try and explain things as we walk alright?'

I was still thrown my his previous omission, but just being with him, being as close to him as I was now, calmed me so much I knew everything would be okay. It had to be. It felt like I had been with Alex forever, and I couldn't think of that ending, couldn't bring myself to even imagine not always feeling the warmth, security and love I felt when I was within his arms. My lips curved into a smile, one that grew as I finally saw the cloud of concern dampen from his deep, mesmerising eyes. `Okay, but first we eat. And I need to get other supplies as well.' His hands finally released me and he moved away a few steps to the closet.

`Like what?'

`Like cigarettes and a lighter. I'm dying for a cigarette right now.'

The look he gave me as he put his trench coat on made me smile. `I didn't know you smoked cigarettes.'

`I do, badly. But it's weird, being here with you, I haven't felt like one at all. Well, not until you went and stressed me out anyway.' I said with a grin, not really meaning anything by it.

You shouldn't smoke.' He said half-seriously, suddenly grabbing me in his arms and urging his lips against mine for a prolonged moment. It's bad for you.'

Really?' I smiled playfully, reaching up to lightly trail a finger over his soft lips. Damn I wish you'd told me that sooner; here I was thinking it was good for me.'

He chuckled softly, kissing my finger and nuzzling my hand. `We better get going.'

`Yeah, my stomach's growling.' I took his hand and we left.

During the short ride down in the elevator to the first floor I found myself worrying about small things. I'm sure I was only worrying about those things to keep my mind busy and off what Alex might tell me about himself and Johnathan. I worried about not having any money. I didn't usually carry my wallet on me; the pockets of my jeans were my wallet more then anything else, and I'd spent all I had on alcohol last night. I didn't want to ask Alex for money, and I definitely couldn't ask him to buy cigarettes for me, so I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I also worried about holding Alex's hand. I felt comfortable around him, but wasn't sure I'd feel so comfortable holding his hand in public. I really shouldn't have worried so much though. As soon as we stepped foot out of the elevator his hand slipped away from mine. Without hesitation he paid for the food at the McDonalds across the street and then he even went into the shop next door to buy my cigarettes without a word a

s I waited outside holding the bags of burgers and fries.

I gave him an ongoing commentary of all the places I usually went as we walked, pointing out my favourite shops and the places I just liked to go to waste time. There was a constant stream of sounds around us. People were everywhere, walking past without a glance, too involved in their own purposes. The many cars driving by emitted a steady roar that drowned out almost anything else as I led the way through the busy streets. The city never truly slept, but it did wind down. Soon the sun, which was shining brightly as it slipped lower behind the towering buildings in the near cloudless sky, would be gone and the traffic would lighten. The steady stream of people would thin out into smaller clusters as the dark of night settled in. Within the hour this busy sidewalk would be a totally different place. It was all so familiar to me, and I loved sharing it with Alex. With him at my side everything seemed so new, so fresh and exciting. Nothing else seemed to matter, not even where

we were. Just as long as I was with him.

After less then an hour we had passed out of the central hub of the city, leaving the meshed sound of the many vehicles in the distance. Cutting through alleyways in the deepening shadows we finally came to halt. Although still well within the city this park we now stood in held a peaceful atmosphere, making it feel isolated at the same time. I hadn't been here at night before; usually I kept to the well-lit and busier sections of the city. I hadn't run into trouble before, hadn't encountered anyone with devious intent, and I held onto the belief that that was because I wasn't stupid and stayed where I knew it was safe. But with Alex at my side I wasn't worried at all. I sat close to him on a wooden bench, still clutching the bag of food I'd barely touched. I couldn't see the stars in the sky as I stared up, not like in the cemetery, the glow from the many lights of the city seemed to flood them out. A street light shined next to a path several feet away, but its bright golde

n light didn't quite touch the bench we occupied. I liked sitting here in the darkness, feeling the cooler tinge of night air electrifying my skin through Alex's shirt, keeping my mind awake and the tiredness my body felt at bay.

`What are you smiling about?' Alex asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, moulding my body in against his.

`Just thinking of you.' I smiled, looking up into his eyes, looking at the way the shadows played with his features. I closed my eyes as I felt his lips warm my own. I wanted to stay lost in his mouth forever. The only thoughts I had were of him. Of the feel of his lips against mine, the feel of his tongue caressing my own, the taste of his mouth, and the alluring scent of his breath. I didn't want to think of anything else. I didn't want to think of anything changing between us, of the secrets Alex seemed to guard close. I had to know everything about Alex, but I didn't want too. The possibilities could be bad, they could change things, could change the way I looked at him. And I didn't want him to be anything other then the perfect man I was falling so heavily for.

I kept my eyes closed as his lips left mine, enjoying being pressed so close against him. We sat in silence for awhile; he seemed as reluctant to speak as I was to listen to anything that might bring about change. But finally he spoke, causing a shudder of dread to spark through my chest.

`Do you want me to tell you more now?'

No.' I confessed honestly. I've been trying not to think of it.'

`I've noticed.'

His voice held the smile I was used too, calming me. `I just don't want to hear anything bad.' And it felt so easy to say my thoughts out loud to him, to speak with no inhibitions almost like the way I spoke with Jamie, except with Alex I didn't feel the need to hold anything at all back. Right now as the cold air swept across the exposed skin of my face I wanted to stay in my bubble of things I knew, but could feel reality settling in, could feel my worries that I'd tried to suppress for the past hour niggling at me.

Relax.' Alex said in his soothing, calm-inducing tone. It's not too bad; you know how much I care about you. The only reason that I've kept some things quiet is because of how much I care. My life is complicated, I don't want you to worry or get the wrong idea.'

`Yeah, but I don't want things to be complicated. You're perfect to me as you are, I don't want anything to change.'

`It won't. The way I feel about you, the way you feel about me, that's not going to change. And that's all that really matters.'

I think I need a cigarette first.' I pulled the packet out of my jeans, sliding one free and holding it between my fingertips. Okay, so tell me, how do you know Johnathan?' I held the dark blue lighter up, igniting the tip of my cigarette and inhaling deeply. I exhaled slowly, watching the thick cluster of smoke dissipate out into the cool night air as Alex spoke.

I'm not sure where to begin exactly.' Alex said, shuffling about a little until he was in a more relaxed position, his legs stretched out onto the short grass before him and one arm still looped around my shoulders. He leant heavily against the back of the bench, staring up into the darkness above. I guess I have to start with the reason Johnathan found me, and that would be because of Zane Riccarton. I still use his last name but that's just because it would be too difficult to change things now.'

I couldn't help but turn to look at him with the way he spoke; I'd never heard that tone to his voice before. It was blunt, bitter, and full of loathing. His face still appeared calm as he stared up at the smoke I emitted drifting out into nothing, but as he continued to speak his tone only seemed to grow stronger with hatred. And the change in him was so sudden, just as sudden as it had been when he'd hanged up on Johnathan. It seemed impossible for someone's mood to change so drastically so quickly, and witnessing it was almost scary.

`He wasn't my father, but I was only a baby when my mother married Zane, and that was primarily because he had wealth in abundance due only to him being steeped so heavily in crime. There's nothing good to say about that man. I'll never hate anyone the way I hated him.'

I reached out to rub my hand on his leg, a small attempt to try and distil the strong feelings evident in his tone. `Is he still alive?

He placed his hand down on top of mine, squeezing it. `No, thankfully that bastard's gone to hell.'

His answer was filled with anger, another side to Alex I hadn't seen before, and wasn't sure I wanted to see anymore of.

But once more his tone changed abruptly, when he spoke again after a brief pause of silence he sounded calmer, more controlled like normal. `Years before Zane married my mother; he had a son with another woman. That son was Johnathan. Johnathan's mother went on to marry some wealthy businessman, giving Johnathan the privileged upbringing and the wealth he still enjoys today.'

Alex seemed lost in past memories as he stared up at nothing in particular and I found myself recalling my own memories, staring likewise up at nothing. Johnathan doesn't talk about his parents much.' I thought back to when I was a kid. Back before Johnathan had adopted me. He'd found me living on the street, where I had been for four months. I remembered little of that time, whenever I thought back to my childhood there was this huge hazy spot over everything that had happened before I was eight or nine. I think it was because I had spent so long trying to forget, not letting myself think of it, that my mind had buried those memories far too deep to recall easily. I remembered the facts, I remembered certain small memories, although I couldn't be sure if they were actual memories or just things I had dreamt. When I first came to live with Johnathan, before he adopted me, he told me about his parents. I think he was trying to comfort me, trying to show that he understood ho

w I was feeling, and I think it worked; I mean I started calling him dad almost straight away. He said that his parents had died in a car accident when he was younger.'

Alex didn't say anything for a long moment. `They did, and after having Jamie and adopting you, he went in search of his real father. That was how he found me. We clashed straight away. Really he was just angry that he'd missed the chance to meet his father by only a matter of months. But also he took exception to what I had to say about Zane. You know how Johnathan is, people like him don't change. He wouldn't do anything illegal even if his life depended on it. He's so straight that if he ever received a parking ticket his world would be over, so he didn't want to believe that his father was so heavily involved in crime, even when I showed him the proof. So Johnathan and I have never seen eye-to-eye.'

I could hear the struggle in his tone, he didn't want to go into further detail and I felt bad for making him. `It's okay; I think I know enough to understand.'

Alex slipped his hand inside his trench coat, pulling something out from a concealed pocket within. `I want you to hold onto this, it's yours now and I want to be able to reach you later on tonight, I mentioned that I had to go out later didn't I?'

I took the phone he handed me, nodding. `You said you had some work to do.' The phone was still switched off.

`Johnathan has probably left you a hundred messages on there by now. But I hope you understand why I couldn't let you talk to him until I had explained things myself. Hate isn't even a strong enough word to describe how Johnathan feels about me, and he'll try and make you hate me too.'

I looked up from the phone, slipping it down into the pocket of my jeans without even switching it on. Alex was now looking back at me, he seemed worried.

`Johnathan can do a lot of things, but there's no way he could make me hate you.' I smiled and in return Alex's face lightened, a smile creeping across his lips too.

I hope so.' He squeezed my hand tighter and in turn I squeezed his leg beneath it. But he will try.'

I flicked my cigarette butt away into the grass to smoulder as he leant in to kiss me. `No don't, I taste like smoke.'

I don't care.' He replied, pushing down the hand I'd pressed against his chest to stop him and kissing me anyway. You know you mean a lot to me.'

Yeah I know, you've told me enough.' I smiled. And you know you can tell me anything. You said you weren't used to having to explain yourself to anyone, I don't want it to be like that, I don't want to feel like I have to confront you about anything, I just want you to want to tell me everything.'

I will.' He nodded. But there's so much to tell. You will see for yourself when you come up north with me.' His smile widened as he added. If you come with me I should say. But until then you can ask me anything.' He watched as I pulled free another cigarette. Are you having another?'

Yeah.' I nodded. It's only my second today; usually I would have had at least twenty by now, so I've got some catching up to do.'

`I must really be "stressing you out", as you say.'

I smiled slightly as I held the cigarette between my lips and lit it. `I have a lot of things to think about.'

His arm tightened around my shoulders. `Tell me what you are thinking.'

`Too many things.' I replied candidly.

`You are worried about leaving Angela and Jamie aren't you?'

He seemed to be reading my mind. `Yeah, and about what they are going to say. If Johnathan hates you as much as you say, I can only imagine what he's doing right now.'

`Probably everything he can think of to get you away from me. And in my experience, people with too much money are used to getting what they want.' Alex said with a hint of distain in his tone.

`Johnathan doesn't really have that much money, not anymore. I guess asset-wise he is rich, but he doesn't have much money. He only keeps enough money for us to live on, the rest he donates back into the city.'

`I heard about that. It was well publicised that he put all the money he had into rebuilding the city after that earthquake ripped it apart. I haven't exactly been following what he's been doing over the years, but I have always kept up to date with current affairs.'

He doesn't need money to find me though; he's friends with all the important people around here. I wouldn't be surprised if he has the cops out looking for me right now.' Loudly I blew out a puff of smoke and relaxed back into Alex. I don't want to hide or run away though. If I did that I wouldn't be able to visit Jamie or Angela whenever I wanted too.' I turned to look at him, releasing another breath of smoke out of the corner of my mouth so as not to blow it in his face `I don't know what to do. Are you sure that after all of these years Johnathan still hates you?'

`Without question. Let's just say that I made quite an impact on him. You definitely won't be seeing us speaking civilly to one another.'

He's not going to like me leaving with you at all.' I sighed looking back up into the night sky as if expecting to find answers there. I don't want to cause trouble, not for you and not even for Johnathan.'

`You are not causing me any trouble. I can handle Johnathan, and once we get away from this city, he won't even be in the picture. That I can guarantee.'

`But I don't want it to be like that. I want to be able to at least get along with Johnathan, and I can't even imagine not seeing Angela or Jamie everyday.'

It sounds like you are unsure about whether you want to come with me or not.' He lifted my hand to hold it in his. And that's alright, I'll come back here every weekend to see you if I have too.'

I puffed heavily on the cigarette, breathing it out slowly as I half-closed my eyes. `I don't want to see you just on weekends, I want to be with you all the time.'

Alex laughed quietly. `I want to see you all the time too.'

`Then what should I do?'

That's not my choice to make.' He said, lightly rubbing my hand in his. But you don't have to decide right now.'

I think I already have decided. It's just talking to my family and trying to make them understand that's the problem.' I flicked the cigarette butt away and leaned further into Alex, wrapping my now cigarette-free hand around him. I don't even want to think about it anymore, it's all just depressing me.'

We can't have that.' He rested his chin on top of my head as I snuggled further into the warmth radiating off him. You don't need to worry so much. Things have a way of working themselves out.'

I can't help worrying. I always worry, and especially about this.' Suddenly I sat upright, looking straight into Alex's gentle blue eyes as a troubling thought struck me. What if Johnathan's found out what motel I'm staying in? He could be there right now, or he could have sent the cops there to get me.'

Alex's smile widened as he replied, gently raising the arm from around my shoulders to softly stroke the side of my face. `What do I have to do to stop you worrying so much? I'm here with you so even if Johnathan finds you he won't be able to do anything. Besides, I doubt he would have found you anyway. The motel room isn't under your name; it's not even under mine.'

`But the manager there knows me; he's kicked me out of the place enough times. I think he's only there in the mornings though, I didn't see him as we left.'

Alex kissed the top of my head. `Seriously, you need to relax. I know there's a lot to think about, but worrying yourself over things you have no control over does not help. Trust me, things will work out alright.'

I wanted to trust him, and being here with him, sitting against him once more on the bench, helped. It was hard not to worry about everything, but here with Alex beside me it was just as hard not to feel a sense of contentment, happiness at just being with here him.

We sat for a little while longer, before a quiet alarm bleeped from Alex's watch. It was time to go back. Walking more quickly back toward the motel we talked little. Under the partial cover of night I clutched his hand tightly. I didn't even care what the few people we passed thought. It was strange, but I felt even closer to Alex now then when we had first left the motel. Perhaps learning more about him, even the parts that weren't so good, was bringing us closer together. It definitely felt like it. I didn't even loosen my grip on his hand as we passed through the lobby of the motel, I didn't care what the small group of people talking to the right of the reception desk thought, although I did keep my head lowered in case someone recognised me. Despite trying otherwise, I couldn't help but still worry about Johnathan finding me here.

`Is it Jacob Fantony?'

`What?' Alex asked without turning his head as he stuffed his belongings back into his black duffel bag.

`The name that this room is under?' I leant back against the doorway of the bedroom, watching him pack his things and wishing he wasn't leaving. There was a physical knot of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that was growing with each passing second. I knew that the moment he left I would be alone with my thoughts. Alone to do nothing but worry endlessly about my family and what they were doing now.

`Yes' Alex replied, zipping the bag closed and slinging it over his shoulder as he turned to face me, his lips curved into the smile that I loved. His trench coat hung open revealing the pale blue shirt that brightened his eyes, his beautiful deep blue eyes.

`Is Jacob a real person?' Although it was a valid question, I was really just stalling for time; I didn't want him to go.

Yes.' Alex's smile grew as he came to stand before me in the doorway, sliding his hands around my waist. And I need to go; I have a friend waiting for me.'

He kissed me and I wrapped my arms around him, prolonging the kiss for as long as I could. `I don't want you to go.'

I don't want to go either.' He replied softly, his forehead resting against mine as he gazed into my eyes. If I could get out of it I would.'

Groaning I closed my eyes. I really didn't want him to leave. `How long will you be gone for?'

`Only a few hours I hope, but it might take longer. You look exhausted, you should sleep and then I'll be back in no time at all.'

`I want to go with you.' I pressed my lips against his, hugging him as tightly as I could.

`It won't take long.' He replied softly.

He stepped back from me and I grabbed his arms, trying to hold onto him for as long as possible.

`The sooner I go the sooner I can come back to you.' He smiled, raising his arms so that he clasped my hands.

`Where are you going?'

`A little way out of the city.'

`But where? You said you weren't going to hide anything anymore, so you have to tell me.' I found myself smiling as he laughed.

`I did say that. But I really have to go now.'

`Then tell me quickly.'

You just want me to stay here longer.' He smiled, kissing me again. But I'll give you the short version and then explain more when I get back. I'm going to talk with someone; he's a witness in a murder trail coming up, but a rather reluctant witness. I'm going to talk to him and make sure he testifies.'

`Are you a lawyer?' I kept my grip on his hands as he shuffled sideways out of the bedroom and toward the exit.

`I am a qualified lawyer.' He answered with his mysterious grin that left me knowing that he wasn't really answering my question at all.

`But that's not what you do?' It was plainly obvious to us both that my questions only held one objective, and that was solely to keep him here with me for longer.

He wrestled one hand free from me, quite easily as I wasn't gripping him as tightly as I wanted to with my injured hand, and opened the door, pulling himself, and subsequently me, beyond the threshold of our room.

`I really have to go.' He said through his grin, his blue eyes sparkling as he spoke.

He kissed me again and finally I released the hold on his remaining hand, interlocking my hands now behind his neck and pulling him in to kiss him again. `I'll miss you.'

He was smiling as he turned away, disappearing from view around the bend in the hallway after a few short paces. I listened to the sound of the elevator doors opening and then closing, and then finally turned back to the room.

I locked the door behind me and then stood there staring at the motel room which suddenly seemed so empty. Grabbing the bag of food I still hadn't eaten much of off of the short kitchen bench along with an empty glass I went back into the bedroom and sat on the bed. There was nothing left of Alex here. The closet door was half open with nothing inside. The luggage holder alongside was just as despairingly void of anything. But not quite. I smiled as I spied the notes sitting there where Alex's bag had been. He'd left me money, although I wasn't planning on going anywhere to spend it. I pulled the cigarettes out of my pocket and laid them on the bed, but not before propping one between my lips. I took the phone out of my other pocket; it was prodding into my leg, and then lit the cigarette. Not everything of Alex's was gone. I still wore his shirt. Soon he would be back, I told myself, positioning the glass in front of me to use as an ashtray. They had ashtrays on offer for se

lected rooms down at the front desk but I didn't want to speak to anyone to get it. Everything was quite. Far too quiet. I thought about watching TV in the lounge, or at least turning it on to drown out the silence. But I didn't feel like moving either. I was tired, but my mind was too alert to allow me to sleep. I found myself holding the cell phone in my bandaged hand. Staring at it with my thumb hovering over the button to turn it on. It wouldn't hurt to turn it on and listen to any messages. I wouldn't have to talk to Johnathan or anyone. And besides, Alex might try to call. I smiled as I thought of him, a sad longing smile. I had to keep busy to pass the time before he returned. Flicking the growing tower of ash off of my cigarette into the glass I turned the phone on and watched the small screen come to life. There were four voice messages. One was from a number I didn't recognise, while another two were from my home number and the fourth was from Jamie's cell phone. I

took a long drag on my cigarette as I prepared myself to listen to the oldest ones first, the two that came from my home number over an hour ago. The first was from Johnathan, and he sounded worried.

Ring me back Logan, I need to know that you are safe. Alex Riccarton isn't who you think he is. He's dangerous Logan...' There was pause and I couldn't work out if he was holding his hand over the phone for a moment to speak to someone else or whether he was just trying to think of the right words to say. You need to ring me back as soon as possible.'

The message was shorter then I'd expected and immediately I played the next, expecting it to be Johnathan as well. But it was Angela, and my heart sunk low in my chest as I listened to her voice. She sounded so upset, I could tell she had been crying, or even still was.

`Logan, I'm so worried about you. Please ring me, let me know you are safe, nothing else matters, only that you are safe. You know how much we care about you, I don't want you to get hurt...and...Alex, we know Alex Logan. You're not safe with him. Please ring me, we can help you...' The message ended suddenly and I was left feeling certain that it was because she was crying.

`I am safe with Alex.' I said, speaking down at the phone. I couldn't imagine what Johnathan had meant by saying Alex was dangerous. I couldn't even picture Alex doing anything to be described as that. Alex was a lot of things, but I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Why did my family think so differently? But it did worry me to hear Angela so upset. I needed to listen to another message or I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from ringing her and making sure she was okay. The next oldest was from half an hour ago, it was Jamie.

`Logan? I'm not even sure if this is your phone, but I need to talk to you. Mum's crying, and I don't even know where dad is. I don't understand what's going on, they won't tell me anything. Ring me.'

I closed my eyes as I heard how upset he sounded. I'd always looked after Jamie; I'd taught him everything from how to tie his shoe laces to how to ride his first bike. We usually told each other everything and I was always there for him with whatever problem he had. But right now he needed me and I wasn't there. And that hurt.

I snubbed the cigarette out on the side of the glass while dialling Jamie's number. I needed to talk to him; I needed to make sure he was okay. Lighting another cigarette I moved off the bed, waiting for him to pick up his phone.

`Logan?' Jamie finally answered.

`Yeah it's me, are you okay?' I paced over to the bedroom windows, opening one of them to let fresh air in. I suddenly couldn't keep still.

No!' Jamie cried. Where are you?'

`I'm at a motel in the city. What's going on there?'

I don't know!' He sounded desperate, upset. I'm in my room. Dad's gone out to try and find you.' I could hear him breathing heavily. `They said you were in trouble. Mum's crying downstairs. Dad wouldn't tell me anything so I asked Mum...'

I felt so helpless hearing him like this and not being there to help. `Maybe I could meet you somewhere; can you get out of the house?'

It's after nine.' I heard him take a few deep breaths, thinking. Where could I say I was going?'

If I wasn't so concerned about Jamie I would have smiled. There was a trust between us; I didn't even need to mention anything about keeping this call or my whereabouts quiet. He just knew. `I'm not sure, why don't you say that you're taking Tig for a walk?' Tig, or Tiger, was our dog, a huge purebred husky. As a small child Jamie had named him Tiger because, at the time, that was what he'd thought Tig was.

Frustrated Jamie replied bluntly. `Taking Tig for a walk? Are you drunk? It's after nine!'

I couldn't help it; my eyes darted to the money lying on the luggage holder. I hadn't even thought of spending it. I hadn't even thought about alcohol. Until now. `No, I'm just tired. I haven't slept a lot.'

`Is Alex there?'

I cringed at the blunt way Jamie said Alex's name. Someone had to have told him something about Alex, something bad. `No, I'm alone. What do you know about Alex?' I flicked ash out of the window, staring across into the darkened glass windows of the office building next door.

Mum told me some things.' He said more quietly. She told me that Alex hurts people, he hurt dad and now he's trying to hurt you.'

`No, she's got it wrong, Alex wouldn't hurt anyone. He's been so good to me, he definitely wouldn't hurt me. Why would she say something like that?'

She's not lying.' Jamie replied. You just don't know Alex and mum and dad do.'

I do know Alex!' I took a deep breath as I threw my near finished cigarette out the window and turned away from it. I couldn't get angry at Jamie, he was only regurgitating information, he didn't have any idea how much it hurt me to hear him say such things about someone I cared so much about. They are both wrong about Alex, they haven't even seen him for years, they don't know who he is now but I do. He wouldn't hurt me, you would see that if you met him, he's nothing like what they say.'

`You need to talk to mum.' Jamie said quietly.

`I don't feel like talking to anyone.' I paced over to the luggage holder and stared down at the money resting on it.

I'll find a way to get out of the house, the buses stop running at ten though so I don't know how I'll get back home again...' He trailed off. Are you anywhere near the Bela Theatre?'

`Yeah.'

`I'll met you there soon, but promise me something first.'

`What?'

`Don't tell Alex where you are going, I know you don't believe that he's dangerous, but, I just don't want anything to happen to you.'

I could hear the concern in his voice. `Nothing will happen to me, not with Alex.'

I could hear Jamie sighing loudly on the other end of the phone. `You just don't get it. Mum's really upset, and dad, I haven't seen him like that before. They wouldn't be like this unless it was something serious, so serious they won't even tell me what it is. I'm scared Logan, because they are scared. They say Alex is dangerous and I believe them. You should too, or at least be cautious.'

I closed my eyes, picturing Alex. I knew him, perhaps not as well as I liked but well enough to know that he wasn't dangerous.

`Don't give me silence, it makes me nervous. How long are you going to be alone for?'

`I'm not sure. Alex went to meet a friend, or talk to someone, both I think...' Jamie's anxiousness was passing off onto me. I opened my eyes and picked up the money. Could Alex really be dangerous? I'd already seen his mood change quicker then lightning, although I hadn't seen him be violent or anything. But then I had only physically been with him for less then twenty-four hours. I closed my eyes once more. I knew Alex, I did. He cared about me just as much as I cared about him. There was still much for me to learn about him but he couldn't possibly be as dangerous as Jamie was trying to make me think. But I had more questions then answers. Where exactly had Alex gone? He hadn't been specific, only said that he had gone to talk someone into being a witness at a trial. Was that what all the money in his wallet was for? Or, was that what the gun in his pocket was for? I shook my head, pocketing the money in my jeans. I couldn't think those things about Alex, about the man tha

t seemed to know me and care about me so much. The man who made me feel things I'd never felt before.

`I'll meet you outside the Bela Theatre in twenty minutes okay? Logan?'

`Yeah.' I hanged up the phone and stared at it. I couldn't even swallow. I felt so many things all at once. Anger at my family, including Jamie, for thinking so badly about Alex, anger at myself for letting those horrible thoughts enter my own mind as well, which led to the confusion and pain I also felt at not having Alex with me right now to reassure and calm me. I pictured him, thinking of the way I felt when he held me in his arms. Alex meant so much to me already, and he could never do anything to hurt me, he cared for me, I knew that.

I just had to keep reminding myself of that...