Falling Off the Face of the Earth

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This work contains references to certain celebrities and performing artists by name. All references are absolutely and completely fictitious and are not intended to imply any endorsement of this work by these persons or any connection to this work or to the author by these persons. There are also references to creative works (movies and television shows, in this story), with fictionalized aspects for the purposes of this narrative. All other characters, events, and creative works in this work are strictly fictional and any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), events, or creative works is purely coincidental.

Table of Contents

Prologue ........................................................................................................................................ 3 Chapter 1 ....................................................................................................................................... 5 Chapter 2 ...................................................................................................................................... 8 Chapter 3 ..................................................................................................................................... 16 Chapter 4 .................................................................................................................................... 25 Chapter 5..................................................................................................................................... 34 Chapter 6 ................................................................................................................................... 40 Chapter 7 .................................................................................................................................... 44 Chapter 8 .................................................................................................................................... 52 Chapter 9 .................................................................................................................................... 57 Chapter 10 ................................................................................................................................. 68 Chapter 11 ................................................................................................................................... 74 Chapter 12 ................................................................................................................................... 84 Chapter 13 ...................................................................................................................................88 Chapter 14 ................................................................................................................................... 97 Chapter 15 ................................................................................................................................. 103 Chapter 16 ................................................................................................................................. 111 Chapter 17 .................................................................................................................................. 117 Chapter 18................................................................................................................................. 129 Chapter 19 ................................................................................................................................. 136 Chapter 20 ................................................................................................................................. 141 Chapter 21 ................................................................................................................................. 150 Chapter 22 ................................................................................................................................ 158 Chapter 23 ................................................................................................................................. 164 Chapter 24 ................................................................................................................................. 173 Chapter 25................................................................................................................................. 182 Chapter 26 ................................................................................................................................ 187 Chapter 27 ................................................................................................................................ 197 Chapter 28 ................................................................................................................................ 203 Chapter 29 ............................................................................................................................... 207 Chapter 30 ................................................................................................................................ 217 Chapter 31 ................................................................................................................................. 224 Chapter 32 .................................................................................................................................. 231 Chapter 33 ................................................................................................................................. 238 Chapter 34 ................................................................................................................................ 242 Chapter 35 ................................................................................................................................. 249 Chapter 36 ................................................................................................................................ 259 Chapter 37................................................................................................................................. 264 Chapter 38 ................................................................................................................................ 271 Chapter 39 ................................................................................................................................ 276 Chapter 40................................................................................................................................ 282 Chapter 41 ................................................................................................................................. 289 Chapter 42 ............................................................................................................................... 300 Chapter 43 ............................................................................................................................... 306

Epilogue — Four Years Later ................................................................................................. 311 Other Works By JF Smith ....................................................................................................... 317 About The Author ................................................................................................................... 319

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Falling Off The Face Of The Earth

JF SMITH

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Prologue

It’s funny what tourists notice and don’t notice. For example, they can be walking down the pedestrian side of the Manhattan Bridge between Manhattan and Brooklyn, gawking at the bridge itself, commenting on the water below, pointing at the ships, and snapping pictures of the New York skyline. Noticing everything except the guy standing there halfway between Manhattan and Brooklyn – the guy not leaning up against the railing admiring the view, not walking one way or the other, not waiting for someone. Just standing there. A few locals might notice a guy like this, perhaps wonder what his problem is. But maybe they’d just assume the guy was tweaked out on some drugs. Despite being very well dressed. Not formally, but very fashionably dressed. And despite being there in the middle of the morning, in the middle of the week. Anyone near enough might wonder a little bit about the phone, though. New Yorkers live on their cell phones. So, who would take his cell phone out of his pocket, not even look at it, and throw it over the security fence and directly into the waters of the East River below? But that only takes a mere moment to happen. Before and after, it’s just a man standing oddly on the bridge. Maybe a little shell-shocked looking. And certainly, no one would ever think to somehow link that slightly off-kilter picture to what would later that day blaze across the national evening news, entertainment gossip shows, and about a hundred websites, all fighting to break the news first. All fighting to provide details the others didn’t. But the one thing that isn’t strange is that anyone who does happen to notice, probably only has it occupy his or her attention for a few moments. They might wonder why someone would behave like this. They might wonder about the circumstances that could have lead up to this point in time. They might spend a few seconds wondering about this before they go back to gawking at the sights, or before they continue rushing to wherever they’re going. Before they simply move on. But, without exception, what they won’t ever think about is what happened after that moment to that person.

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Chapter 1

James sat in the still, quiet room for a moment and rubbed his forehead. Then he sat and stared ahead at the mini-blinds covering the windows. The late afternoon sunlight seeped in through the slats and illuminated the dancing particles of dust swirling around in stripes of sparks and shadow. After a while, James heard a small noise and realized he wasn’t even watching the dust thrashing around in the sunlight any more. He wasn’t watching anything. His eyes had unfocused, and he was sitting on the haphazardly placed couch, squeezed in among piles of the stuff that was all supposedly his, but which felt foreign and strange and meaningless to him at this point. The noise he had heard was the tiniest shift of a slim DVD player on top of a pile of magazines, which was in turn on a pile of cardboard boxes all stacked up in a way that made a complete mockery of most any modern physics text. James was used to having these moments lately. He’d been having them, for... James looked at his watch briefly... he’d been having them for exactly thirty-two days, seven hours and ten minutes now. That didn’t make them welcome; they had merely become routine. Along with feeling numb and empty and sleepy and distant, it had all merely become routine. He looked at the DVD player again and could see where the slick magazine cover it was sitting on had slid a little bit. He knew what was going to happen next, but he simply took the attitude that it was out of his control. Why bother? Wouldn’t trying to prevent it carry the potential of just making things worse? So James, his chin resting on the palm of his hand, watched as the DVD player slid a tiny bit more, buckling the magazine cover in the process. A moment later, the DVD player, when it decided it was past the point of no return and that no one could stop it, made a dash for it. It leapt off the piled-high boxes, and piled-even-higher magazines, to the floor below. What it hadn’t counted on was the lamp cord that had gotten tangled with it earlier that day. The lamp was going to be damned if the DVD player managed to escape and leave it behind in this place.

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Halfway down, the DVD player got jerked as its weight pulled the small ceramic table lamp off the boxes from behind the magazines, and then fell the rest of the way to the hardwood floor below. The DVD player hit the floor on its corner, springing open the disc tray and sending whatever disc was in it skittering across the floor and under the far end of the sofa. The small ceramic lamp, having a much more pronounced flair for the dramatic than the DVD player could ever aspire to, landed on top of the DVD player and shattered into hundreds of pieces, the small platinum-colored shade all that was left undamaged. James sighed and felt even worse. Of course, it turned out, it would have been better to get up and prevent this whole thing from happening. He didn’t care about the DVD player, but he liked the small Adler lamp, and now it was gone. As with so many decisions, he should have taken the approach opposite the one he did. He glanced over at the bar area between the kitchen and the living room to make sure the box, the important one, was there and not on the magazines that had started spilling off on top of the lamp and DVD player. He saw the small, black wooden box placed alone on the bar. As long as it was safe, everything else could burn to ashes as far as he cared. The thought had crossed his mind multiple times in the last month. If you’re going to start over, then do it, right? Light it all up and walk away. But torching everything seemed pointless, too. He’d just go buy more of roughly the same stuff. It’s not like having a different sofa, or a different DVD player, or different cookware would suddenly alter his life in any meaningful way, no matter what the marketing copy said. James decided it was time to get up. So he stood up and looked around blankly. He could start unpacking a little, but that task seemed overwhelming. Everything in the apartment was in random piles and boxes, waiting for him to get started. He knew the trick was to start off with accomplishing even one small thing and everything else would start to follow more easily. But he couldn’t even pick the one small thing to do that would start things rolling. There were too many things for his tired mind to think about. Instead, he knew what really had to happen was to make a command appearance before his mother. He had longed to see her over the last month, and also dreaded it. She could comfort him, and make him feel like a failure, simultaneously, and all with one glance. She wouldn’t actually see him as a failure and James knew it. It was simply his own feeling of failure being magnified by being around her. She was his final safety net, just like she’d always been – through bee stings, despised sports events, failed college courses from too much partying, looking for a job – she’d always been there with the hug, kiss, and kick in the pants he needed to get back on track. James decided to go ahead and see her, and then he could come back and at least get his bed set up for the night. And after standing staring into empty space, feeling even emptier than the space he stared into, with his head cocked oddly to one side, for probably another five minutes, he stood up straight and started to glance around the room for the keys to the rental car. Naturally, they were in his hand the whole time. So finally, now that all the inanimate objects in the room had had their fun, James was ready to go.

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Except, he also needed his apartment keys. James was on to all these little tricks at this point, and he found those hiding in his jeans pocket. As he walked out, he stopped at the kitchen bar and looked at the black wooden box. He touched it lightly, and then walked out the door. He carefully locked all of it up behind him as he stepped out of his apartment into the stifling August humidity.

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Chapter 2

Lawder may have been the town where James grew up, but it felt very different than when he had lived there, up until when he had left to go to college. It seemed smaller now. Smaller in every way. Physically, culturally, intellectually... the list of –ly’s could go on and on. It hadn’t been that long since he had lived here previously, less than ten years, but he viewed the town through radically different eyes than before. He had always held it in disdain when he lived there, and that was magnified once he got out and became successful in a much bigger, more important world. But now he was back. A failure. The humiliation of moving back to Lawder would have eaten away at him like stomach acid had it not all been totally overshadowed by the husk-like emptiness of the failure that drove him back here to begin with. Moving back was a trifling cilantro garnish on the huge plate of betrayal and personal failure that was what happened in New York. On the way from his apartment to his mother’s house — his house, in a way, since it was where he had grown up — it still didn’t feel like he was home. He wasn’t going to be living in the house he grew up in, by choice, which made it feel foreign. He wasn’t even going to stay in the town long term, by choice. All of this was just to give himself a chance to come to terms with what had happened. To get away from everything and everyone that seemed to thrust Ian back into his face. The irony that it was his own fault that he couldn’t escape Ian, even in west-of-nowhere Lawder, didn’t escape James. Eventually, he’d want to face the world again, but he had to heal until then. Eventually, Chicago could be an option, but that was pretty low on his list. He had too much southern boy intolerance for the cold. Even New York had tested that. Miami was pretty high on his list this time, or maybe Los Angeles or San Francisco. And if he was very optimistic, even New York could be an option again at some point, but the thought of that right now made him get a little nervous and clammy feeling. But until then, Lawder was once again his town. New York was the memory and Lawder was the reality. What would he have thought of himself the day he left Lawder if

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he really knew he’d be back to live here again? How disappointed in himself he’d be. He was disappointed.

That night, after getting his bedroom mostly together, James crawled into bed and lay there, exhausted. He thought a little bit about cute Roddy, but mostly he thought about New York. The image that popped up in his mind was that of Ian, strapped in a cruel chair in an otherwise empty room, and being forcibly injected with a drug. It irritated him that this was one of the images he associated with Ian. It wasn’t even real. It was a shot from the movie, and it drove James nuts that this was one of the ones that kept popping up in his mind. Maybe it represented to James how Ian was a victim of things beyond his control, or maybe it was because that scene was one he had used heavily in several of the trailers he had worked on for the movie. Maybe it represented the pain that James had caused Ian. Maybe it was all of these. And despite the fact that he was now in a completely different city and around completely different people, James still was haunted and couldn’t fall asleep easily. He lay in bed for quite a while wondering how much time it would take to move past everything. He wondered if he’d ever feel normal again.

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Chapter 3

The following Wednesday, James gave in to his mother and agreed to come over for dinner. He felt a little proud that at least he had held off for two whole days since moving back. His first few days at the dealership had been pretty uneventful. Taking over the marketing duties from the variety of administrative assistants across the three dealerships who had handled it up until then was straightforward. He knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge, but at least once he got a little more into it, he could try to get creative with the marketing in ways the other people couldn’t. One nice perk was that he got a company car, so he didn’t have to worry about buying one. They let him have a basic Mustang, which James kind of liked. On his way over to his mother’s, James thought about her cooking and decided that maybe he could get back into cooking himself. He liked to cook and was pretty good at it, but he was always too busy to really do much of it while in New York – time was short, the kitchen was tiny, and there were way too many good restaurants within walking distance. The memory of the last time he did cook in New York started to come to mind, though. He had fixed a homemade dinner for Ian, along with a birthday cake. The dinner was ok, but the birthday cake they tried to make together after they had gotten drunk almost needed a hazmat team for its disposal. Ian had loved that night more than just about any other, though. Then James found out Ian had skipped the taping of a guest spot on the TV show Jimmy Kimmel Live that evening to be with him instead, which had caused a huge fight with Ian’s manager. James parked out on the street in front and went into his mom’s house. Inside, he found Roddy and Jesus, plus another two women he had never met before. There was also a cute, tiny little girl with beautiful olive-colored skin that James assumed was Jesus’. She stared at James with wide, curious eyes. James’ mom came and hugged him, then introduced him to the first of the two women. She was Melena, Jesus’ wife. Their daughter with the big, pretty eyes was named

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Rosie. She then introduced James to Agnes, the other woman. Agnes was a very pretty, young black girl who worked on the crew with Jesus and Roddy, with a beautiful smile and her hair pulled back into a tight bun. She still had her Montgomery Landscaping t- shirt and work khakis on. She was very excited to get to meet James, as she had many times listened to Bea tell stories about him in New York. Agnes started asking James about what part of New York he lived in, how often he went to the Statue of Liberty (“pretty much never, actually”), and his job. He started to get nervous when she started in on his old job, but the questions were pretty generic, so he answered them. Jesus and Roddy started listening in at this point, too. Agnes asked, “So all your company does is promote films?” “Well, no,” explained James. “Channel:Adage has film, music, and theater promotion divisions in New York.” Roddy asked, “Channel Adage? Is that a person’s name?” “No, it’s the name of the marketing company. It’s Channel colon Adage.” “So there’s an owner named Channel and one named Adage?” asked Roddy. “No. It’s just Channel:Adage.” Jesus said, “I don’t get it. What’s that supposed to mean?” “It’s supposed to be a play on the separation of the medium and the message.” They all had funny looks on their faces. Jesus said, “I still don’t get it.” “Neither do I,” said Roddy, and Agnes had a puzzled look of agreement on her face. James’ shoulders slumped a little bit. “It’s just something that marketing companies do.” “Putting colons in between other words? It takes a whole marketing company to do that?” asked Roddy. “No, you don’t under...”

“So how many colons could this company put in between other words in a given day?” asked Roddy, cutting in. James felt his face getting hot and was sure he was turning a little red. He wasn’t sure if they were just making fun of him or if they really didn’t get it. “It’s just a pretentious way of naming the company, that’s all.” Agnes thankfully changed the subject and wanted to know about some of the movies he had helped promote. James mentioned a few like Meet The Fockers and Ocean’s Twelve, which he had worked on, but he avoided mentioning Angstrom at all costs and he prayed they wouldn’t ask about it. That one was still in the theaters and would create way too many questions about Ian. Besides, he was getting a little paranoid that they were making fun

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of him and he was sensitive to anything like that lately, so his answers were getting much shorter. Bea came in and told everyone that it was time to eat and to come on in to the dinner table. They all milled into the kitchen to the farmhouse table and settled into seats. James wound up next to his mother’s usual spot, but had an empty seat next to him. Bea said, “Go ahead and help your plates. We’re not waiting on Kevin, but he’ll be here shortly. He called a few minutes ago and had already left the office.” The table was spread with fried chicken, rice, fresh field peas, and corn on the cob. James, and everyone, started helping their plates. As James was buttering his corn, he wondered how Roddy’s date had gone the other night. He wanted to ask, but was also a little paranoid that Roddy had been making fun of him with the whole Channel:Adage thing. James could hear Agnes ask about how the kids in the hospital were doing and his mom started telling about them. Right then, James heard the kitchen doorknob turn. Jesus called out, “’Bout time, Brick!” In stepped this guy James hadn’t met yet – fair skinned, thick set, and with an unbelievably dense head of dirty-blond hair with just a touch of red in it. He hadn’t shaved in several days, and had a soul patch right under his lip amidst the stubble. But what registered with James were the dense blond eyebrows over the very bright hazel eyes. Something in the back of his mind started to furiously try and work itself out, and he heard his mother say, “Grab a plate and come on, Kevin.” James heard the word Kevin and realized this was the guy who was under his mother’s car on Monday. This was Kevin. But Jesus had called him Brick. Kevin Taylor was Brick. The name Brick had a familiar ring to it. Brick Taylor. And he looked at the eyes again and it hit him. Brick, or Kevin, looked over at James and smiled a little, almost timidly. He said, “Sorry I’m late. Hi, James!” He was about to cross the kitchen to sit down when James realized he’d be sitting right next to him. James stopped eating and felt nauseous. He jerked up out of his seat like he had realized it was on fire, startling everyone in the process. They all stopped eating and looked at him. He said to no one in particular, “You’re Brick. Brick Taylor.” Brick stopped and said nervously, “Yeah. Brick. I guess maybe you do remember.” Brick took another step towards the table, and James jerked back again. His foot caught the rung of his chair as he stepped back, causing him to fall right on his ass and knocking the chair over in the process. Everyone else at the table was frozen at this point wondering what the hell was going on. James’ eyes never left the person named Brick Taylor now standing there, also frozen.

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He finally broke out of his shock and looked at his mother. He started to move his chair out of the way and said to her, “Mom, I need to see you in the other room, please.” And without waiting for her to reply, he pushed the chair away hard and almost fell over it again getting out of the kitchen. He rushed out and across the hall to the den and could feel his hands sweating. A moment later his mother came in with a completely bewildered look on her face. James immediately started in on her. “Why didn’t you tell me you hired Brick Taylor? Huh?” His mother was still bewildered. “I did. Do you know him?” “No, you didn’t! You never called him Brick! It was always Kevin. You always said Kevin. No exceptions!” James was almost frantic. She looked at her son and said, “Sweetie, I don’t understand.” She was getting upset now at how upset James was. James almost started shouting, but forced his voice down so the others wouldn’t hear. “That’s Brick Taylor in there! Don’t you remember? Don’t you? He beat me up in junior high school!! Don’t you remember that?” His mother immediately looked relieved and said, “Did he? Are you sure?” This just agitated James even more. “YES! I’d know him anywhere. He used to be skinnier and had redder hair, but I know it. He even realized I had recognized him. I can’t believe you don’t remember, mom!” She said, “Honey, I can’t possibly be expected to remember all the people that beat you up in junior high school.” Now James wasn’t sure if his own mother was making fun of him, or if she was serious about the last statement. He didn’t have the strength to figure out which was more likely. The comment stung him. “MOM! Only two people beat me up. And Brick was the only one that beat me up three times. THREE TIMES! I had to have stitches, remember?!” The light finally went on in his mother’s face. “Oh, now I do remember! You did get a couple of stitches that time. I had forgotten all about it, and he never mentioned it!” James spat at her, “Well, now that asshole is working for you! He’s here to have dinner with us. I can’t have dinner with him!” Bea looked at her son and finally started to get it. “James, that was such a long time ago. Kevin’s hardly the same person he was in junior high school, just like you’re hardly the same person. He’s one of the nicest, kindest people I know!” James was boiling and started to say “I am NOT staying in this house and having...” just as he looked up and saw Brick tentatively look around the doorway from the hall into the den where they were talking. James stopped abruptly and turned blood red in the face. James’ mom turned around to see Brick standing there.

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Brick smiled a little uncomfortably and stepped fully into the doorway. James spat at him, “Don’t come in here!” Brick said, “Look, I wasn’t sure how you’d react...” “You need to leave. You’re NOT welcome in this house!” James’ mom was shocked. “JAMES!” Brick closed his mouth and held it tightly shut. He looked from side to side, supremely uncomfortable, and more than a little unsure how to proceed. The three of them held for a pause, then finally Bea turned to Brick and said, “Kevin, go sit down and have your dinner. James and I need to finish talking.” Brick barely nodded, turned and left to go back to the kitchen. James’ mom looked very sternly back at him. Her eyes hardened a little and she said, “James, what has gotten into you? You’re acting like a child! You’re not in junior high school anymore!” But James simply couldn’t deal with it. He was already vulnerable from New York, and to have all of his junior high torments rear up now was more than he could handle. His mother was looking at James, waiting expectantly to see if he would suddenly realize how silly all of this was. James looked away from the door where Brick had been and down at his mother. “I can’t be in this house if he’s here,” said James calmly, but through gritted teeth. And with that, James walked out of the den, down the hall and out the front door as fast as he could. By the time he got in his Mustang, he could hear his mother calling after him, trying to get his attention, but trying to not make a huge scene either. James ignored her and drove away. He only got around the next corner before he had to pull over to the curb and stop the car. It all came out, and James couldn’t stop it. He felt alone and betrayed and severely regretted moving back to Lawder. He had thought that no matter what else might happen in his life, his mother would be there for him and he could find support there. But now, the person that had made school a living hell for two years in junior high had become his mother’s right hand. The thought of them back at the dinner table, laughing at James, made him feel sick. Brick would go through all the different ways he had terrorized James in school for everyone’s entertainment. His last refuge was gone. James felt his cell phone begin ringing in his pocket, but he wasn’t about to answer it now. He spent a few minutes trying to pull himself together and he decided he needed to go get drunk. He looked out of the car window at the relatively new house sitting there. He realized, ironically, that where the house was used to be a wooded vacant lot. The same vacant lot he would hide and cry in because people in school, Brick really, had called him “queer” or “faggot” in front of everybody. Words that had horrible meanings for a thirteen year old – words that he really didn’t understand, and yet knew were mean, evil things to say to someone, and even worse, knew the evil things were probably true. James hated Brick for throwing the truth around like an anvil, wanting to do as

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much damage as possible with it, wanting to hurt and humiliate him as much as possible. James started the car back up and drove off to the nearest liquor store and picked up a bottle of vodka. While in the store, he felt his cell phone vibrate a couple more times, but he still refused to answer it. He refused to even take it out of his pocket. James couldn’t wait to get back to his apartment, but about a quarter mile away from it, he felt the phone vibrate again and went to pull it out of his pocket just to see who it was. He knew it was his mother, but couldn’t stand not at least looking at it any more. There wasn’t anyone else to call him these days, and in fact, no one else that had the number of the pre-paid phone he had picked-up several weeks before. His other cell phone was at the bottom of the East River, where he had thrown it a month ago, along with the rest of his disintegrated life. He looked at the display, and sure enough, it was his mother. As he put his phone back down on the seat next to the bottle of vodka, he heard a siren behind him and looked up and saw flashing blue lights in his mirror. James beat his hand violently on the top of the steering wheel and barked “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!” If he could just get a notice of a tax audit and a sudden, explosive case of hemorrhoids, he’d reach a state of nirvana at this point. He pulled over to the side of the road and rolled down his window and waited for the cop. The cop sat in his cruiser for a moment, then finally got out and swaggered up to James’ window. Cops were assholes as far as James was concerned – in it just for the power trip. The cop was tall and had to lean way over to look into James’ car as he asked, “Sir, may I please see your identification and insurance card?” James pulled out the cards and gave them to the officer. But he did it as sullenly as he could. He wasn’t going to be cheerful for this schmuck if he could help it. The officer looked at the license and said, “New York, huh? Are you passing through?” James said bitterly, “No. It pleases me no end to be able to say that I live here now.” The officer pulled out a notepad and started copying down the VIN on James’ car through the windshield. He said, conversationally, “Really? We don’t see many people moving here from New York. Welcome to Lawder!” James offered back a flat, “Thanks. I grew up here and now I’m back. Things are just great!” The officer looked James in the eye for a moment. James couldn’t tell what he was thinking since the guy had dark glasses on. “I need to ask you what’s in the paper bag on the seat next to you.” “It’s a bottle of vodka.” And James opened the bag to show the officer it was, and that the bottle was still sealed.

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“Thanks, Mr. uh, Montgomery,” the officer said, glancing down at James’ driver’s license. “Do you realize you’re driving around with no license plate on your car?” “I’m not? It’s got dealer plates, right? I work at Natahatchee Ford. I just got this as my work car yesterday. They put dealer plates on them.” “This one has no plates at all.” “They must have forgotten, and I didn’t bother to look.” James was now fuming about how his work was screwing with him too. The officer said, “Mr. Montgomery, please wait here while I go call in to get some information.” The officer turned and went back to his cruiser and got in. James sat there nervously thinking about what nightmare he was about to have to go through now. He could hear his cell phone buzzing again on the seat next to him. He wanted to throw it out the window, but he just ignored it instead. At best, they’d probably impound the car and James would have to go to the station or something. At worst, they’d throw him in jail and he’d have to call his mom to come get him. Right when he didn’t think the evening’s humiliation could get any worse, it was peeling back to expose a new round of raw aggravation. After a few minutes, the officer came back, and before he even had a chance to speak to James, James snapped at him, “So what little nightmare process do I have to go through?” The officer squatted down so he was face-to-face with James and looked at him through the open window a moment. After a second, he asked James “Sir, are you ok? You seem a little upset. I mean, even a little more so than people usually are for being pulled over.” James said, “It’s just been a rotten day. A rotten month, actually, but today was just a fresh, creamy layer on top.” The officer stood back up and said, “Well, you can relax. The car’s not stolen, and I called Natahatchee Ford, and they verified you and the car. I’m not going to give you a ticket, but please do make sure they put a tag on it for you tomorrow when you go to work.” “It’s the top of my list, I promise you,” said James, thick and sarcastic. “And, Mr. Montgomery,” added the officer, “please don’t drive angry. It increases the likelihood of accidents a lot.” The Mr. Righteous attitude of the cop was starting to wear thin for James. “I feel nothing but love for all things, great and small, Officer, uh, Adams.” There was practically acid dripping off his words. The officer got up to go back to his cruiser and James started the Mustang so he could get to his apartment. The bottle of vodka was the only friend he had left in the world, and he wanted to spend as much time as possible with it that evening. The two of them had some serious catching up to do.

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At home, James hit the bottle heavily until everything started to get a little number. His living area was still the same piles of boxes and crap that it had been since he moved in. He hadn’t even cleaned up the broken lamp or DVD player yet. James rifled through the pile of magazines and pulled out the Entertainment Weekly he had saved, the one with the picture of Ian on the cover and the line “The Science Fiction Film You Know Nothing About.” Everything that had happened that day made the pain sharper than he could bear. He would give anything to be able to do things differently with Ian. If Ian were still alive, everything would be so different. Why hadn’t he recognized what Ian was going through? Why had he clung to his own selfish motives instead of just being Ian’s friend? That was all Ian ever wanted, just one true friend, not the sea of shallow, self-serving sycophants. James could have so easily been that for him, and actually was in many ways. But James had things to gain from him as well, and that was all Ian saw in the end. He looked at the cover again, Ian’s sloppy, curly hair hanging around his face, framing those incredible, intensely blue eyes – James had called them Aegean eyes. His hair was how it was when he first met Ian, when the principal filming of Angstrom was still going strong. Later, Ian had gotten his hair cut very short, but the shaggy look was how James really remembered him. James finally put the magazine down and looked at his cell phone on the kitchen bar. He decided to call his mother. He knew he’d have to talk to her sooner or later, so he might as well get it over with. When his mother answered the phone, she said, “James, are you ok?” “I’m fine. I’m over here with all my friends drinking.” “I was about to come over to your apartment, we need to talk about this. I feel terrible that you left like you did.” “Well, at least you were all able to enjoy the rest of your dinner and talk about the big scene I made.” “No, no one did, I’m sorry to say. And we didn’t enjoy dinner at all. Least of all Kevin.” “Oh, I bet I had a worse time than Asshole did.” “Everyone left a while ago. Will you come back over now so we can talk?” “No, I’m drunk and I’m going to bed. I have to be up fresh and early to get a tag put on my car so everyone can be happy again.” “I’m helping at the hospital tomorrow. Will you come there after work and meet me for dinner? It’ll be just there at the cafeteria, but it’ll be just the two of us. Besides, there’s someone I’d like for you to meet.” “I’d rather you not surprise me with any new people, mom. Your track record with that kinda sucks.”

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“I swear this isn’t anything like that. You know that you mean everything in the world to me and I wish tonight hadn’t happened. Just come on up to the children’s floor tomorrow when you leave work.” James hung up the phone and looked back down at Ian’s picture on the front of the magazine. Once again, the weight became more than he could bear, and the tears started leaking out of the corners of his eyes. He would have moved heaven and earth to have Ian with him there right then, to hold on to. He finally put the magazine up with all the others. He went into his bedroom to crawl into bed, but wound up sitting on the edge of the bed, staring and unfocused. Lost in no real thoughts at all. He looked over at the nightstand next to his bed. Sitting on it were a small carved wooden pinecone and the black wooden box. His eyes studied the box before he finally picked it up and opened it. Nestled inside the padded velvet lining was a beveled crystal block, solid and very heavy. He took it out and held it up to the light. Deep inside, you could tell there was a crystal dragonfly buried in it, made out of barely tinted crystals itself, so that the effect was that of almost a ghost of the insect, made of crystals and within a crystal. The light would dance, reflect and refract as you turned it in the light. He put the crystal block back in the box and put it on the table. Out of the drawer, he pulled a photograph of Ian and James together, a real one – not some hack photoshop job. It was a photo of the two of them kissing, awkwardly because James had held out the camera in his hand to take the photo, back when things were just building between the two of them. Back when they had so much to look forward to. James had so little of Ian left, so little of his own life left. After everything he had been through, this was all he had to show for it? How could it be worth it? Was this really what life amounted to?

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Chapter 4

James awoke slowly to a painful ringing in his head from the vodka the night before. Then he sat up when he realized that it was the phone in the kitchen that was actually ringing. He grabbed his head to stop it from spinning where he had sat up too fast before he could get out of bed. He shuffled into the kitchen squinting and his head throbbing. The phone continued ringing, so it wasn’t just a fluke. James answered with a muffled hello. “Is this James Montgomery?” “Uh-huh,” he said slowly. “Mr. Montgomery, this is Officer J. T. Adams of the Lawder P.D.” “Eeeyyeah?” “I pulled you over last night because your car didn’t have a tag.” “Eeeyeaaaahhhh?” “Well, uh...” James blanched and ventured, “Awwww, you didn’t change your mind about giving me a ticket, did you? You guys aren’t allowed to do that, are you?” “No, see, uh...” There was a nervous chuckle on the other end of the phone before Office Adams continued. “I forgot to give you your driver’s license and insurance card back last night.” James said, “Huh?” And then it sunk in and he said, “Hey! I didn’t get it back, did I?” The act of thinking back to the night before caused a stabbing in the back of his head that made him cringe.

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“Yeah, so I want to get it back to you. I was hoping to catch you before you left this morning. I’d hate to be responsible for you driving around town with no license or proof of insurance.” “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that to someone, that’s for sure,” quipped James. He wasn’t about to let his headache get in the way of a little sarcasm. “Will you be home for about ten minutes? I can swing by right now if it’s convenient.” James thought how odd small towns could be. In most towns, you might get lucky if they made you pay $30 to get it back. In New York, they probably would have just thrown it in the Hudson River. “Sure. Come on by.” Officer Adams got the apartment number from James and promised to be right there. James threw on some clothes and then waited quietly, trying to meditate his headache away. Eventually, he heard a knock on the door and opened it. Standing there, Officer Adams didn’t really look like Officer Adams any more. He was wearing denim shorts, tennis shoes with no socks, and a baggy, plain white t-shirt, but he had the same sunglasses on as the night before. Now that he got a better look at him than he did the night before, James was pretty impressed. Officer Adams was probably in his late twenties, like James, and was very lean. Down below were a super fine pair of muscular legs. He had a good tan and a handsome face with very short, military-cut hair. Even through the baggy t-shirt, it was obvious Officer Adams clearly worked out a lot. They stood there for a second, and finally Officer Adams said, “Mr. Montgomery?” James realized he was staring a little bit so he opened the door and deflected, “Sorry, I was expecting the same uniform from last night.” He stepped back so the officer could come inside. Officer Adams stepped into James’ apartment and took his sunglasses off. James finally got to see the blue eyes hidden behind them, slightly reminiscent of Ian’s. “Oh, I’m not on duty today, Mr. Montgomery, so no uniform.” “Ah. Do me a favor and call me James. ‘Mr. Montgomery’ makes me feel like there’s someone else in the room you’re talking to.” Officer Adams scratched at the back of his head a little and said sheepishly, “So, I’m a little embarrassed. I forget to give back licenses and insurance cards more often than I should. Sorry about that.” James said, “No problem, I guess. I mean, I hadn’t even realized you still had them.” James had wanted to still be pissed off about being pulled over, but it was difficult given how good looking the cop was, and how nice he was being. Officer Adams looked around briefly and said, “Wow, you did just move in didn’t you?”

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“Seven months ago this weekend! But I swear I’m going to get around to unpacking any day now!” “Seven months?!” exclaimed Officer Adams, his mouth dropping open in disbelief as he looked past James at all the boxes stacked up again. “No, I’m just joking around with you, Officer Adams. I just moved in on Monday.” Officer Adams laughed and said, “Oh, man, I thought you were serious for a second! You can call me J. T. if you like. Everyone does. Aw, look at that sofa! That’s a great sofa!” “Uh, yeah. Thanks,” said James, a little nonplussed by J. T. “Officer” Adams’ casual conversation. “Did you get that here in Lawder?” J. T. asked, enthusiastically. “I brought that with me from New York.” It was an expensive sofa and J. T. was right to be impressed with it. J. T. went to sit down on the corner of it and said, “I’d never be able to afford a sofa like this! This thing is great!” He leaned back to try it out just a little. “Don’t they have sofas like this in the evidence room? Couldn’t you just grab one of those?” J. T. smiled broadly and said, “Oh, I wish! I mean, we can’t take stuff out of Evidence, but not even the drug dealers here have stuff this nice! Your apartment’s pretty nice, too, by the way. I haven’t been in any of these yet.” J. T. saw the puzzled look on James’ face and said, “I’m a cop, and we get called in on domestic disturbances in every apartment complex in town. Even the nice, brand new ones.” The smile made J. T. even more appealing. J. T. sat for a second, then bounced up and down on the edge of the sofa, testing its mettle a little bit. He glanced over at the kitchen bar and said, “You did some serious damage to that bottle last night!” He nodded at the bottle of vodka sitting there. James looked over at it. There was only a tiny bit left in the bottom. Had he really drank that much last night? Surely he hadn’t. He said, “Holy shit! I should feel much worse than I do right now if I really drank all that! I’ll bet you can’t drink that much in one night.” J. T. laughed and said, “Vodka, no. I hate vodka. Make it Jack Daniels, though, and we’d have a contest.” He stood up and looked at the chrome legs under the sofa. He started to stand back up, but then stooped over to look under the sofa again. He reached up under it and pulled something out. He looked at the disc, but James couldn’t tell what it was. J. T. laughed a little bit and handed the disc to James and said, “I, uh, assume this is yours?” It was a DVD proudly named “Hung Horses II: Back in the Saddle” and had a picture of a guy in a cowboy hat and chaps getting blown by another guy.

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James turned bright red and said, “I have no idea how that got in here. Someone broke into my place last night and put incriminating, uh, stuff in here.” J. T. looked at James, giving him some play for the joke to finish. James said, “I want to file a police report. They drank all my vodka, too.” He pointed indistinctly back in the direction of the empty vodka bottle. J. T. finally grinned and said, “Don’t worry about it. It’s none of my business.” James was still red in the face and his head was throbbing. He finally said, “I think I need to get on to work.” J. T. headed towards the door, but then stopped suddenly and turned to face James, smacking his forehead with his palm. He pulled out James’ license and insurance card and handed it to him. “Here, I was almost going to forget to give these to you again. I don’t know why I have this problem! Sorry again for the inconvenience, James.” As James let him out the door, J. T. said, “And you might want to keep your DVDs out from under the sofa, they’ll get all scratched up there.” When James closed the door, he leaned against it. How could he leave a porno DVD lying out with a cop in his apartment? How stupid was that? His hometown was a small southern one, with plenty of cops that would just love to bust some faggot for having obscene materials. But this guy had surprised James. He was still a little condescending, like any cop would be, but a little more easy-going than James expected, too. And not too shabby looking. James peeked out his window to the parking lot below and saw J. T. driving off in a black, jacked-up Toyota king cab truck with smoked out windows.

James walked into the grocery store, feeling pretty amused with himself. As over the top as Melvyn was, he had had a good time baiting the guy and toying with him. He might regret telling Melvyn he was gay in the long run, but it had made for a pretty kicky time this afternoon. Plus, for the first time in over a month, it had been fun to think about New York for a little while without being depressed about it. He made his way to the back of the grocery store to get some milk, thinking to himself that if he ever told Melvyn he had spent an entire evening at a trendy bar in the west village chatting and getting completely wasted with Alan Cumming, Melvyn would probably have an epileptic fit. As he rounded the bottled juice aisle to get to the dairy section, though, his amusement stopped abruptly. Standing there, talking to what looked like the store manager, was a thick-set man with a dense head of dirty blond hair, with just a touch of red in it. James froze in place. Brick had his arms crossed and was smiling and nodding casually while chatting with the store manager. Even though Brick wasn’t facing directly towards James, the store manager seemed to notice James freezing in place and glanced curiously over his way. James immediately

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wheeled around and walked back down the juice aisle before Brick happened to wonder what the manager was looking at and glanced back over his way. James’ hands were already getting clammy as he strode back to the front of the grocery store as fast as he could without drawing undue attention to himself. He set his handheld basket down on the floor at the front end of the aisle, with the granola, bananas, and loaf of seven-grain bread still in it, and proceeded straight out the door without ever looking back.

James found his mother folding the last of some laundry of her own that she had finished. James gave her a peck on the cheek as he came in. She said, “I’m all done, so you can start yours anytime. I heard about what happened the other day! Can you believe that awful cop? Persecuting Jesus like that!” She pronounced it GEE-sus again. James yelled after her as she left to go put away her stack of laundry, “See, now, you’re doing that on purpose! I know you are!” He heard her faintly call back from another room, indifferently, “Doing what on purpose?!” James went into the mudroom area and started loading up his laundry. As he started it, his mother came back into the kitchen and said, “Roddy’s out back checking on the fish pond. You should go say hello while it’s just the two of you!” James didn’t really need to be asked twice. The back yard was one of the nicest features of the house, and it went further back than most people would have thought. Along the back and side were some tall, mature trees – a large magnolia in the back corner, a huge sycamore on the far side of the carport, and a couple of sweetgums between her house and the neighbor’s. James saw Roddy back between the sweetgums and the magnolia kneeling over the fish pond. His mother had it put in several years back when Montgomery Landscaping started getting into waterscapes more and more. Roddy saw James stepping off the back terrace onto the lawn and waved at him. James sat down on a bench near the fish pond while Roddy finished the water quality tests he was doing. James liked the fish pond, which had a couple of koi that had gotten pretty large at this point. They were swimming lazily around, ignoring Roddy. The pond had a surround of natural rocks, which built up at one end and had a small waterfall splashing back down into the pond. There was a small ornamental Japanese maple near one end, its lacy, purple leaves bending gracefully down and touching the surface of the water. James said, “You must be the fish pond expert at Montgomery.”

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“Yeah, me and Perez probably know the most. Amos has actually picked up on a lot of it. Jesus knows a fair amount, too. Brick, though, will kill the fish if he even gets within ten feet of ‘em.” “Has the water garden business gotten pretty big for Montgomery?” asked James. “Ahhh, we do some. Ponds and fish haven’t caught on in Lawder as much as other places. Businesses don’t care about them, and most of our residential customers are too cheap.” Roddy took his cap off and mopped the sweat off his head. James thought again how really attractive Roddy was. Roddy was proportioned just right for someone his height, and had really handsome features. And then there were those beautiful brown eyes under his messy-in-just-the-right-way brown hair. He thought whoever Roddy was going out with was a lucky girl. James asked, “I never got a chance to ask how your date went. Shit, it was weeks ago at this point. It was the same day that... well, it was probably over a month ago, I think. You guys have probably gone out a lot since then.”

“It was fine, I guess. We went to the Lawder Steak House for dinner. Then she wanted to go see that movie Angstrom. I was expecting more of a shoot-em-up, but there’s not much of that in it. If you want a lot of action, don’t bother with it. But she seemed to like it. It’s funny how that guy that’s in it killed himself right when the movie came out. He seemed pretty good to me, though.” James limited his reply to “Mmmm.” There was a pause and James asked, “How many times have you two been out now? Have you gotten lucky yet? Did you get your chance to get jiggy with her, as my mother likes to embarrassingly put it?” Roddy laughed and started putting up his water test kit. “We’ve been out twice, but she hasn’t given it up yet. I want to, though, but mostly just to get some since it’s been a while for me. My dick’s getting a little bored with my right hand, you know. She’s a little old-fashioned, so my right hand might be my only option for a little while longer.” James was briefly tempted to offer him a different option. Roddy leaned way over the water in the pond and reached his arm way down into the water. He pulled out a big handful of leaves and gunk and stuck it in a bag he had next to him. “So, what’s the thing going on with you and Brick, anyway?” James paused for a moment, trying to decide if he wanted to get into it with other people or not. “Brick hasn’t told you about it?” he asked. He had assumed that Brick had blabbed about it to everyone. Roddy shook his head and reached in the water to grab some more leaves. “No, he won’t talk about it at all. Says it’s none of our business.” He put the handful of leaves and debris in the bag. James found it surprising that Brick had held back and not used their history as cheap talk over beers with everyone.

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James said, “Let’s just say that Brick and I didn’t get along very well for a while. I didn’t know my mother had hired him since she always called him Kevin and I only really ever knew him as Brick. It kind of took me by surprise when I saw him walk in the door at dinner and you guys called him Brick.” Roddy rinsed his hands off in the fish pond a little. “Crazy! What are the chances that would happen like that?” “Yeah, really,” said James. Roddy was right. What were the fucking chances of something like that happening? Roddy had packed up and stood up at this point. “All done here, James. How does the pond look to you?” “Looks good to me!” “Alright! I guess I get to go home now!” They walked back inside together, and Roddy yelled up the stairs to Bea that he was heading out. James told Roddy goodbye, watched his ass as he walked out to his beat up old Honda, and then went to check on his laundry. The laundry still had some time to go, so James went upstairs to find his mother. She was just putting away the vacuum cleaner in the upstairs hall closet. James walked into his old room and was immediately embarrassed by it. He sat down on his old double bed with its ornate iron scrollwork headboard and footboard, and looked at the matador statue on the desk. He used to have a sheer red scarf draped over the shade of the table lamp, but his mother had mercifully taken that off at some point. Up on the wall were several framed black and white prints of Argentina from the forties or fifties. At least, James always assumed they were pictures of Argentina, but how would he really know? They looked the part at the time and that was good enough. His mother came in and he said to her, “Why don’t you just redo this room as a guest room?” She said, “It’s your room. I like it how you left it.” “But even I wouldn’t have kept it like this. You know how I was, mom. I redecorated it every time I could afford to, or could convince you to spend the money.” “I’m leaving it. If you want to update it, go right ahead. Move back into it while you’re at it. I’m going down to start a little dinner. I’m assuming you’ll stay?” James said, “Sure. Might as well since I’ve got to get the laundry done.” His mother left to go downstairs and James started looking through the books on his bookshelf. The room was like a time capsule of things from his high school years. He spent a moment thumbing through “Bad As I Wanna Be” by Dennis Rodman, but then put it down to look at one of the Magic Eye books sitting next to it. He tried out a few of the pictures, trying to cross his eyes just right to see the image emerge, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He could do it fine when he was in high school. On a different shelf, he found his high school yearbooks. He looked at his senior year one for a moment, then wondered where the ones from his junior high years were.

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He was about to put back the one he had in his hand when he noticed there were some books back behind his high school yearbooks. He pulled the high school volumes out and, sure enough, the two from junior high were behind them. He grabbed them both and sat back down on the bed. He started looking through the one from seventh grade. He found himself and started laughing out loud. He almost had a page-boy hair cut, for crying out loud! He still had a sizeable gap between his front teeth, too. He flipped through several pages, and sure enough, he was able to find Kevin Taylor as well. They were all black and white photos, but you could still tell Brick’s hair was bright red. He was skinny as a pole, but he had a big head and a mass of freckles all over his face. He looked mad because he wasn’t smiling. James thought to himself how much more intimidating he was back then. He was in the same class as James, but was a year older, which made him seem very mature and menacing to James at the time. Now, when James looked at the picture, Brick just seemed like a big-headed pipsqueak. He heard his mom coming back up the stairs and was going to show her the picture, but James was surprised to see that it was the grown-up Brick himself who peeked in his door. He had his baseball cap on with his orange-mirrored, wrap-around sunglasses sitting up on the brim. James could hardly describe the weird feeling he got knowing that the same Brick that was in the picture in the yearbook was standing in his bedroom. The room where he spent so much time when he was young hating him. Imagining him dying a million different ways. Brick said, “Hey man, your mom said you were up here. You don’t mind me being here, do you?” “No, come on in.” James was lying a little. Brick came into the room, but only a step or two. At first James didn’t know what to say to Brick, but then he realized what he had in his hands. He said, “It’s funny you’ve shown up right now. I’d actually just looked us up in my old junior high yearbook.” “Really?” James said, “Yeah, come here and look.” Brick came over, and tentatively sat down on the bed next to James. James handed him the yearbook, which was still on the page with Brick’s picture. While Brick examined the picture, James was torn. Part of him wanted to demand to know why Brick had been so cruel to him in school, and part of him didn’t. He wanted to know why Brick had chosen him especially to be the target of all the torture. He wanted to know if Brick understood the pain he caused him. He wanted to know the reason behind all of it. But he also didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to give Brick the satisfaction of still being hung up on it. Of it still having so much influence on his life. But mostly, James was afraid of the reason. Rather, he was afraid there was no reason. That the single most important thing that happened to him during his junior high years meant absolutely nothing to the other person involved in it. That it was random, or just

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boredom, that James was merely a convenient target, and it could have just as easily been someone else. Brick looked at the page, lost in thought, then laughed and said, “Oh Jesus! Look at me!” James said, “You seemed a lot more intimidating back then. But I look at this picture and think I could have taken you.” Brick laughed again and said, “You probably could have! I think if anybody had actually fought back at all, I probably would’ve pissed all over myself and then run home cryin’ all the way.” James flipped the pages and pointed at his own old picture. “And there I am. What a dork!” “I’d forgotten all about that haircut you had!” laughed Brick. James sat for a moment looking at his own picture, and suddenly feeling empty inside, but for reasons that had nothing to do with Brick. He had so many high hopes back then and in high school. A lot of them he had actually been able to realize, only to find out they weren’t quite what he had been hoping for. What do you do when you achieve your hopes and still feel empty? He said to Brick, “If someone told me back then that, a lot of years later, you and I would sit down together and look at these pictures and actually be... I don’t know, polite, I guess... to each other, I’d have thought that person was certifiably insane. I probably would have thought something even worse than that if I could.” Brick just nodded a little and looked around the room. It was starting to get a little darker in the room as the light outside slowly faded for the day. Brick asked, “So this is the room you grew up in?” “Yeah, the corner of Franklin and Azalea.” “Is this how it was back then? In junior high?” “Oh, good God no!” chuckled James, glad for the change in subject. “Being queer, I redecorated this room as often as I could. This is when I was in my Evita period, around my senior year in high school.” Brick couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at the idea. He said, “But you did great! Your mom said you did well in college, then moved to New York and got a great job working for that marketing company.” James said, “Yeah, UGA was much more fun than Lawder ever was. And New York was everything I could have hoped for.” Again, he realized that he was lying a little. Brick scratched at the stubble on his cheek a little bit. He waited a moment, then asked quietly, “So why did you move back? Your mom never said why you came back.” James sighed and said, “Sorry. Off limits.” Brick immediately fell over himself apologizing. “Oh, I’m sorry. James, I wasn’t trying to be nosy or anything. I didn’t realize you didn’t...”

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James cut him off, “Relax, it’s ok. It’s just it’s a pretty intense thing for me, and I’m still a little close to it.” “Oh, ok.” “I haven’t even talked to mom about it, so it’s definitely not anything personal.” Brick just nodded. James got up to put the yearbook away, then went and sat back down on the bed, a little further away from Brick. He asked, “So what happened to you after junior high? I never saw you again once I got into high school.” Brick smiled slightly and started out with, “Well, I wound up...” but stopped there. He looked over at James and said, “You know, I think I’d rather hear what you think happened to me between junior high and now.” James said, amused, “Are you serious?” “Sure, let me hear it.” James’ creativity immediately purred to life. “Well, you probably dropped out of high school pretty quick, wandered through a couple of no-skill jobs like janitor, Wal-Mart greeter, stuff like that. You maybe got some girl pregnant and had to marry her right off. Probably then squeezed a few more kids out before you realized you’d gotten in over your head. Maybe you got caught shoplifting a NASCAR t-shirt or something like that and did a little jail time. Eventually you graduated up and did a little prison time for knocking over a dry cleaners or whatever. Your wife divorced you in the meantime, and now you just try to make enough to cover the child support you have to pay.” James looked over at Brick, who had a completely stunned look in his eyes. If it had been just a little lighter in the room, James would have seen how red Brick had turned in the face. After a moment, Brick said, “Uhh... Wow... That’s pretty harsh.” James felt a little flush and he realized that what he had said was indeed harsh. Really harsh. “Shit! Brick, I’m sorry! I really didn’t mean for that to be as spiteful as it sounded. I genuinely don’t see you like that.” But Brick had stood up at this point and had started backing away from James. “Man, I guess it’s good to know how you really feel.” James started to apologize again, “No, really...” But Brick interrupted, “Look, I know you have plenty of reason to hate me, and I’m glad we cleared the air the other night, but if you can’t move past it and this is what I get to look forward to from you, then we should just stop here.” James sat stunned for a second, and Brick just shook his head, turned around and walked out the door. James reeled for a moment longer, feeling bad about what he had said. But then he got irritated again. Fuck Brick! He had asked! Brick shouldn’t ask fucking questions he

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didn’t want to hear the answer to! What’s more, he had even apologized to Brick about saying it and told him he didn’t really mean it as bad as it came out. Brick just needed to not be so fucking sensitive just because of some harmless teasing. And that’s when James got really irritated and wanted to punch something. Only, he wasn’t mad at Brick now. Well, he was still a little mad at Brick, but that anger had been completely eclipsed by his anger at himself. The last thought about not being so sensitive over harmless teasing was exactly... exactly... the kind of thing Benard or Patricio, or even Louis on a spiteful night, would have said to him after hurting his feelings with some incredibly cruel comment, which was too often. His anger faded to a deep sadness. He had left New York to get away from that kind of stuff, but had wound up dragging some of it along with him.

The Gold Plate was something of an institution in Lawder. Certainly not for being very pretty, or even particularly clean for that matter. But if it involved cooking it in grease, the Gold Plate worked magic. It had worn laminate counters and tabletops, and some of the counter stools were a little unsteady (“Don’t sit there honey, that one’ll buck you off in no time”). They used paper placemats – the old-school, plain white ones with scalloped edges – that were so thin as to be pointless if you actually got anything even remotely damp on them. Brick had suggested they meet there, so James sat at the counter of the Gold Plate diner, waiting. The air was thick with bacon, biscuits and banter. He took a sip of his coffee, pleasantly surprised to find it was better than a lot of the coffee he’d drunk in New York at four or five dollars a pop. It was about time Lawder got on the scoreboard, he thought. He looked up when he realized Brick was seating himself on the red vinyl stool next to him. James noticed that, today, Brick’s sideburns had gotten a lot longer and he had a full goatee. James couldn’t suppress a quick laugh, which Brick caught. He looked suspiciously at James and asked, “What?” James shook his head and said, “Nothing really. I’m just now noticing that you’re like the man of a thousand facial hair configurations. I don’t think I’ve seen it the same way twice on you.” The firm look on Brick’s face held out for a moment, like he wasn’t going to soften up towards James, but then finally Brick relaxed and ran his hand over his goatee to

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smooth it down. He actually smiled and said, “Yeah, I change it out every few days. I’m always fidgeting with it.” “Well, it looks good on you,” lied James. Actually, it wasn’t a complete lie. James didn’t go for facial hair, but what he had seen on Brick always seemed... appropriate. Appropriate was the word that came to mind. Come to think of it, James realized he had never gone out with anyone that had facial hair, ever. He wondered if that was just pure coincidence or if he had, for some reason, unconsciously weeded those guys out without ever even realizing it. Brick’s eyes narrowed just the tiniest bit as he looked quickly around to see if anyone was paying attention, something of a frown creeping across his face. He started, “Are you...” James already knew where Brick was headed with his comment. Straight guys in New York would rarely get defensive over a compliment from a gay man. But here, in the rural south, James would have to be a little tighter with those kinds of statements. He heaved a sigh and interrupted him, “No, Brick, I’m not coming on to you. You can relax, okay?” Brick’s expression did relax, and James thought he was going to say something back, but they were interrupted with the waitress bringing Brick his coffee. She was an elderly lady, and definitely moving at her own pace, despite the heavy business the Gold Plate was doing that morning. She asked as she put his coffee down along with a few individual creamer cups, “Hey Brick, good to see you this morning. You fellas gonna have some breakfast?” Brick looked at James inquisitively and James just shook his head, “Nah, I already had some at home.” Brick shifted his gaze to the waitress and said, “Thanks, Evie, I think we’re both just having some coffee today.” Evie wiped at a spot of spilled coffee on the counter and said, “Well, let me know if you change your mind, sugar.” James sat up a little straighter on the stool and started, “I, uh, really didn’t mean what I said to you the other night. And I really shouldn’t have said that to you.” He was lying to a certain degree, because he did see Brick this way. Kinda. But kinda not, too. But he was sincere that he shouldn’t have said it out loud. “I guess my imagination just got the better of me. It wouldn’t be the first time my big mouth got me in trouble.” Brick put cream in his coffee and took a long sip out of the mug while James spoke. When he finished, Brick looked down at his hands for a moment. James couldn’t really see Brick’s eyes under the brim of his Montgomery Landscaping cap, but he could tell that he was still a little hurt by what he had said to him. Whatever lingering resentment James might have felt towards Brick ebbed away at that point. Brick nodded, still looking down at his hands. He took another sip of coffee and said quietly, “Thanks. It’s good to hear you say that. I recognize that it would have been all too easy for my life to turn out like that. For someone like me, I mean.”

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Brick lifted his head a little, but James still couldn’t see his eyes under the ball cap. He continued, “I know I’m not smart and really well educated like you, James, but I tried hard to improve my life in a lot of ways.” Brick was succeeding in making James feel even guiltier now. Brick really did seem so completely different than when he had known him before. “If it’s not prying,” James suggested, “why don’t you tell me what all did happen to you since junior high?” He hoped it wasn’t the wrong thing to ask. He also desperately wished with every bone in his body that it wasn’t as bad as the story he had laid out. Brick brightened a little bit, which greatly relieved James. Brick said, “Well, my mom moved me over to the county high school rather than Lawder High, which is why you didn’t see me anymore. It didn’t matter much because I still got into lots of trouble. And you were right about me dropping out pretty quick. I dropped out early in my junior year.” James hopes started to fall. Brick continued, “I went to work for an auto mechanic in town, which is where I learned what I know about cars. About what should have been my senior year, I met a girl named Jenny and we started dating. I did what I was supposed to do and married her, she wasn’t pregnant, though. We moved down to Albany to be near her family, so I got a job as a mechanic down there.” “After that, something started to change, and I realized that the life I was in was supposed to be right, but it just felt wrong for me. I realized I didn’t like the person I was. I decided the first thing I needed to do was finish high school. I went back and took night classes and finally got my GED. Jenny hated that I ‘wasted’ my time on that stuff. She wanted to start having kids, and her parents wanted us to have kids, but I wasn’t ready for that. I want kids, and I still do, really bad, but having them then would have been the worst possible time. I decided I needed to go to the technical school, learn something that I could actually use. That pissed Jenny off even more, but I already knew what I had with Jenny was all wrong. It wasn’t her fault, but marrying her was the biggest mistake of my life.” “I started taking landscaping and horticulture classes at the tech school down in Albany. A little over a year after that, Jenny and I got a divorce. She told me I was the biggest disappointment of her life. But I stuck with it and got my associate degree from the tech school. That was the proudest day of my life. I got a job working for a landscaping company in Albany for a couple of years, but then I decided I wanted to move back to Lawder. I came back here and worked for Lawder Lawns for about six months before your mom hired me on at Montgomery.” “Being married to Jenny was a hard time, on both of us. It’d be easier to say I wish it had never happened.” Brick paused, like he was struggling with how to say the rest. He looked up enough to look James directly in the eye, but immediately dropped his gaze back down again before continuing. “But Jenny was like someone snapping their fingers in front of my face. She focused me on a lot of things I found wrong with my life, all the bad decisions I had made, the people I had hurt and was still hurting.”

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James sat in silence for a second, the noise of the diner unheeded around him and Brick. Earlier, he felt bad about what he had said to Brick, but now he felt more ashamed of himself than he ever could remember feeling. James finally said, “Well, you’ve made me feel like a complete dickhead for my story. It takes a lot for someone to really examine their life like that and swallow their pride enough to make those kinds of changes.” Brick looked up, making direct eye contact with James again. He said, hopefully, “You think so?” “I really do,” admitted James. He liked it better when he could look right at Brick’s eyes. “You were part of it, you know. Once I started really seeing what a shit I had been to you and others was when I realized I didn’t want to go through life being like that. I became more determined to change. It’s partly why I feel like it’s so important to me now to make up for junior high.” He added, “What I did to you has haunted me, James.” James nodded in silent understanding. He said, “Well, it just about kills me to say it, but you really have turned out to be a pretty decent guy, you know. And even worse, I have to admit my mom was right.” James was more than a little surprised to see Brick positively beaming. Brick admitted, “You know, though, there was one thing you were pretty close on when you mentioned shoplifting a NASCAR t-shirt...” James inwardly winced at this. “I will admit to getting really drunk and getting kicked out of a NASCAR race once over in Talladega,” said Brick, a grin across his face. James inwardly breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Brick was still grinning. James nodded and said, “Ouch, you gotta be pretty damn drunk before that happens.” Brick said, “Drunk enough that I don’t remember any of it. I’m told I grabbed a hat off one of the cops and tried to play keep-away with it.” “How do you know it really happened?” “The friends I was with took pictures. They gave me a framed picture of it for my birthday.” James laughed out loud at this, and so did Brick. Brick took off his hat briefly so he could brush his hair forward unconsciously. He said, “Thanks, James, for this. And even more, thanks for giving me the chance to make things right between us.” James nodded and was the one looking down at his own hands this time. The silence got almost uncomfortable between them, and James was about to say something. But Brick looked around himself again to see if anyone was listening before leaning back in towards James a little and saying, “Uhhhh... so there’s...” He stopped

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abruptly and sat up straight on his stool. The look on his face hardened as he looked over towards the door of the diner. Brick jumped up off of his stool and shouted over towards the door, pointing at it, “Roddy! You little twerp!” James spun around and saw Roddy by the front door trying to duck down and pushing his way back out the door. Brick yelled out at him, angrily, “You’re fired, Roddy! For real this time!” A few people turned around to see what the yelling was about and James could see Roddy running back out to his car in the parking lot. James turned back to Brick, who was sitting back down on his stool, grinning again. James asked, “Uh, did you really just fire him?” Brick laughed, “Oh, hell no! He just said he had a doctor’s appointment today to get out of installing some sprinkler lines, and here he is sneaking in for breakfast instead. I’m not even pissed about it. We pick on each other like this all the time, and I probably fire him two or three times a week. He’s actually a good worker. The housewives love having him come work on their lawns.” He laughed again and shook his head. “I’ll be able to ride his ass about this for the next month!” James couldn’t help but smile himself. Evie had come back by to fill up his coffee cup, but it was getting late. “How much do I owe you?” he asked her. Evie just waved her hand, “You’re here with Brick, darling, so no charge.” Brick winked and smiled at her and said, “Thanks, Evie! You know you’re my number one!” Evie just shook her head as she shuffled down to the other end of the counter, “Always making promises you know you won’t keep!” Brick just laughed again.

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Chapter 11

Several weeks later, James found himself headed to Ten Pins, the bowling alley in town, at about 10pm one night. He couldn’t hardly remember the last time he had been in a bowling alley. He knew it had been in high school, but he couldn’t remember if it was his sophomore year or his junior year. He had been at his mother’s place earlier that evening when she realized there was a set of keys to one of the landscaping trucks sitting there. The truck was over at Brick’s place and he was going to need it first thing the next morning. She had meant to give the keys to Jesus, who had been by earlier, to give to Brick, but they had all forgotten. So she asked if James would run them to Brick, who was bowling with Jesus and a few friends that evening. It was a weeknight, and the place was only about half full when he walked in. He had assumed the place would be a dump, but was impressed to see it must have been refurbished in the last several years. At least, he was impressed to the extent that he could be impressed by a bowling alley. James walked past several lanes until he spotted Jesus a little further down trying to pick up a spare. Brick was sitting and drinking and hardly paying attention to Jesus. James noticed that, today, Brick favored an all over, scruffy, stubbly look. He only gave Brick a quick glance, though, because sitting with them was some massive guy with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. The guy was huge, with crisp, short black hair and matching black hair all over his arms. Brick spotted James walking up to them, and being completely wasted, stood up and started yelling at James, “And there’s James! C’mon James! Get over here! I got someone you need to meet!” James waved at Brick, and then at Jesus, who was also clearly drunk and almost tripped over his own shoe trying to roll his ball. Brick swayed a little bit and said, “James, thish is Cherry Chipurt! Jerry Jipurt! Pritchart! Cherry Pritchart! JER-REE PRIH-CHERT!! One of Lawder’s finest!”

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Jerry stood up to shake James’ hand. The guy must have been six foot five, at least, probably in his early forties, and was built like a Sherman tank. Jerry’s face was very angular, with a sharp nose, and his eyes were narrow, almost squinting, under the dark and pronounced eyebrows. When James shook his hand, he felt like he must have the hand of a three-year-old, Jerry’s were so big in comparison. James remembered Brick saying he was a captain in the Lawder police department and that the guy used to be an Army Ranger. James believed it, and really understood what Brick had said about not wanting to piss the guy off. He looked like he could tear a Volkswagen in two with his bare hands. He said, “Hi, Jerry.” Jerry smiled broadly and said, “’sup James! Good to meet you! Brick’s told me some about you.” At least Jerry’s smile put him at ease. James got the impression that Jerry probably actually smiled a lot. James asked, “So who’s ahead tonight?”

“Uh, I’m not sure,” said Brick. “Cherry, are we keeping score? I don’t remember if we’re keeping score or not.” Jesus said, “You dipshit! Jerry and I are. You’ve been sitting around drinking beer for the last twenty minutes.” “I have? Where’s my beer?” said Brick, like it was all news to him. He looked around several times hoping to find a beer. Jerry and Jesus both pointed at it on the table together and said at the same time, “Right there!” Brick said happily, “Oh!” and picked it up to take a swig out of it. James tried again, “So which of you two is ahead since Brick’s a little preoccupied.” Both Jesus and Jerry said “Me!” at the same time. Then Jesus hit Jerry in the arm hard and said, “You fucking gringo! You know I’ve got a 220 on this game and you’ve got a 170. I’m kicking your ass, dude!” Jerry took a quick hit off his cigar and looked dejected. “It’s true. My ass is sore.” Jesus asked James, “Hey man, what time is it, anyway? Melena’s gonna kill me if I stay out too late.” “It’s a little after ten.” Jesus’ eyes widened. “Shit, I gotta wrap this up! C’mon Jerry, bowl your last round so I can get home!” Jerry said, “Alright, alright!” He put his cigar down in the ashtray and walked up to the lane to bowl. Brick had finished his beer and wanted to know if they were having another round. “No, man! No more tonight. I gotta get home!” pleaded Jesus.

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A cute, younger waitress with curly brunette hair came up and said, “Can I get you anything, Brick?” Brick lit up and said, “Yeah!” but then saw the look on Jesus’ face and changed his story. “No, Tina, Jesus says no.” “You sure, sweetie?” And James caught her actually wink at Brick. Brick didn’t seem to notice, though. Not surprising given how drunk he was. “No. No more tonight, I guess. ‘s a school night,” said Brick, scratching at his nose absently. Her eyes lingered just a moment longer on Brick before she said, “Well, just holler if you change your mind.” She finally looked at Jesus and James and asked, “How ‘bout you? Can I get anything for either of you?” The both shook their heads no and Tina wandered off. James remembered why he was there and fished the truck keys out of his pocket. He handed them to Brick and said, “Hey, here’s the keys to the truck for tomorrow.” “Cool. Thanks. It’s good of you to come way all the way over here to give 'em to me! What’s these for again?” He was looking James in the eye, but his eyes were half closed and unfocused. James couldn’t suppress a smile at the condition Brick was in. “They’re for the truck parked at your place. Mom said you needed the keys in the morning.” Brick snatched the keys out of James’ hand and made a popping noise with his mouth. “Oh yeah! Forgot about that. Tomorrow. Ughhhh... I’m gonna feel like poooooooooop tomorrow.” Jerry came back from his final round and Jesus asked, “I wasn’t watching. What’d you get?” Jerry stuck his tongue out at Jesus. “Pthpbhhtbbhtp! It don’t matter. You win. Againnnn. I’m gonna go call in a ride for us,” was Jerry’s reply. Brick said, “Wait! James, will you drive us home? We’re a little drunk. Wait, Jerry’s a big drunk, but I’m a little drunk compared to him. But the point is we’re drunk. Big or little, we’re all drunk. All three of us. There’s three tonight, right? Did I count wrong?” Jesus said, “No, man, I counted and came up with the same number.” “Cool. C’mon James. If you don’t, Jerry’ll have to call in one of the guys, which means they’ll have to leave their stakeout at the Nitty Gritty, which’ll make ‘em grumpy.” Brick put finger quotation marks around the word “stakeout”. He started laughing, too. James sort of wanted to get home, but didn’t really have anything important waiting on him, so he agreed to take them home. Jerry asked, “You haven’t been drinking, have you?” James said, “Nothing tonight.”

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“Good, less go!” James walked out into the parking lot, while Brick, Jerry, and Jesus kind of stumbled – Jerry finishing his cigar and Brick and Jesus leaning on each other. James realized, though, that his Mustang would be a little small to get all four of them to fit in, especially since Jerry took up the space of about two linebackers. Jerry said, “Oh, don’t worry about that! You can drive my car. I’ll make sure someone gets you back to your car any time you want in the morning.” James thought how this was getting more complicated than he originally intended to deal with, but said ok. That’s when they walked over and James realized Jerry had driven a police cruiser. He said, “Uh, should I be driving a police cruiser? Isn’t there probably some kind of law or insurance rule against it or something?” Jerry put his hand behind James’ neck and said, “No, no, no. Don’t worry, dude. It’s just a car with disco lights!” “And guns!” chimed in Jesus. That didn’t make James feel any better, but he took the keys from Jerry anyway. Jesus got in front with James, and Jerry and Brick got in the back. Jesus needed to get home, so James had Jesus give him directions to his place first. James was a little scared to touch anything for fear of setting all the sirens off, or calling for backup accidentally, or who knew what else. He heard Brick and Jerry in the back laughing about something and Jesus seemed to be getting sleepy. Jerry said, “I can’t believe I didn’t beat Jesus tonight! I wore my lucky leopard print thong! I always win with that!” The comment totally took James off-guard. The thought of that guy in a thong caused all kinds on incongruities in James’ mind. Surely the guy was joking. Jesus said through a yawn, “Maybe your thong brings me luck, Jerry.” Brick said, “Wait, I want to see it!” There was some shuffling around in the back seat, and finally Brick said, “You dork! Those are just day-old tighty-whities you’re wearing!” James didn’t quite know what to make of what he was hearing. “Oh, maybe that’s why Jesus won tonight,” said Jerry, disappointed. They pulled up in front of Jesus’ house and he said, “Ok, I’m going to sneak in. You guys keep it quiet!” Jesus got out and started sneaking up the front walk. Jerry was giggling and reached up into the front of the car and flipped a switch which turned the cruiser’s siren on. Jerry and Brick started howling with laughter and rolling around in the backseat in their hysterics.

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The front porch light on Jesus’ place came on and Jesus turned around to flip them off. He yelled back at them, “You guys are such sons-of-bitches!” Jerry reached up again and turned the siren off, still laughing uncontrollably. He told James to take him home next since his place was closest. “Are you sure it’ll be ok for me to drive your cruiser around without you in it? What if I get stopped by someone?” asked James. “No, it’s ok, I swear! No one’s gonna stop you. If they do, just tell them I was bowling tonight and they’ll know the rest of the story.” Brick laughed and said, “Tell ‘em he was wearing his peplard... leplard...” He screwed up his face, concentrated hard, and spat out “LEOPARD... thong tonight!” Jerry was trying to poke Brick in the side and said, “No, don’t. Don’t listen to him. You’re the one that wanted to touch my underwear!” “Nuh-uh! I just wanted to see if you actually had a thong on! Maybe James wants to touch your underwear? Hey, James, do you want to touch Jerry’s underwear?” James just shook his head. Drunk was never as much fun when you were the only sober one in the group. James gritted his teeth and said, “No, I’m fine.” Brick laughed and said, “Oh, come on, James! You’re gay! Don’t you want to touch Jerry’s underwear? I hear it’s good luck to touch it.” Jerry snickered, too. James yelled, “Brick, damn it!!” Brick got suddenly serious. “We’re just horsin’ around. I’m sorry. Really.” “You didn’t have to tell him I’m gay! That’s a little personal!” Brick said, “Oh, Jerry’s totally cool with that. Aren’t you, Jerry?” “Yeah, I’m totally cool with it! I’m down with the homos. See, back in my Ranger days, one of my fellow Rangers turned out to be gay. I literally trusted that guy with my life! Aaaaand, I’d do it again. God, he could kick ass!” James relaxed again. He had to admit, Jerry seemed like a really nice, easy-going guy. One that could snap you like a twig, but nice. Jerry gave James a few more directions to get him to his house, but then it got quiet in the back except for a few whispers and a little shuffling around. James was wondering what they were up to. That’s when he smelled it. James slammed on the brakes hard, throwing Jerry and Brick off the back seat and setting off a fresh round of laughter. “Are you smoking a fucking JOINT back there?” Jerry sat back up on the seat and said, “Shit man, don’t call the pigs on me!” Brick said, “Wait! Shit! Did you find it? Where’d it go?” “I’ve got it here,” said Jerry.

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James was almost over the edge at this point. He whispered violently at them, like he was worried someone might hear, “You’re a captain in the police department! What are you doing smoking pot?” Brick said, “We smoke one every once in a while. Jerry hardly ever gets to. But I told him he could trust you. You’re not going to narc on us, are you?” Jerry took a long drag on the joint and finished it in one pull. Brick said, “Well, so much for that joint. I’m glad I got one puff on it! We didn’t even get to offer James any.” “Shit! Sorry, man! You got another, Brick?” asked Jerry. “No, that was the only one. Sorry, James!” “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine,” said James, worried about driving around a police car at night with two guys smoking pot in the back. At this point, it wasn’t a matter of whether or not the whole debacle would end up in tomorrow’s paper, it was a matter of how big the headline would be. Jerry gave a few last instructions to James and they pulled up in front of his house a couple of minutes later. James saw who he assumed to be Jerry’s wife coming out of the house in her housecoat. There had been more fumbling around in the back seat and giggling before they arrived, and when Brick opened the cruiser’s back door, he and Jerry both fell out the back of the cruiser laughing. When they stood up, they both had handcuffs on. But their handcuffs had gotten looped together, so they had to stand practically back to back. Jerry was mumbling and laughing at the same time, “Shit, how did we get tangled?” Jerry’s wife came up to them and looked at the two of them. She said, “Jerry, what the hell are you doing?” “Junior cub cadet officer Montgomery has arrested two scoundrels, honey!” said Jerry, a big goofy grin on his face. Brick added, “Will you come have conjugal visits with us in prison? Heh heh heh!” Jerry’s wife looked at Brick with a tired expression and said, “Hi, Brick. I swear you two act like ten-year-olds when you get together.” James had gotten out of the cruiser at this point, and Jerry’s wife came up to him and said, “You must be James. I’m Carrie Anne, and I’m married to a child. But I do appreciate you bringing them home safely.” Carrie Anne was a pretty and practical looking woman, with a slim figure, bright eyes, and nice blonde hair. She smiled and James noticed she had very cute dimples when she did so. “Hey, Carrie Anne. Yeah, it’s been quite an experience getting the two of them home tonight. He’s a handful!” Brick snickered, “He’s got a lucky leopard print thong!”

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Carrie Anne wheeled around at Jerry and punched him in the chest. She hit him pretty hard, but it didn’t faze Jerry in the least. “God dammit, Jerry! I told you to stay out of my underwear drawer!” Brick doubled over laughing, almost pulling Jerry over with him. “I was just joking around, sugar! Shut up, Brick, you little fucker! You’re gettin’ me in hot water!” yelled Jerry. Jerry pulled at the handcuffs on him and said, “Sweetie, will you help us get out of these. Somehow we got a little mixed up here.” Carrie Anne walked over to Jerry and stood up on tiptoe. Jerry leaned over a little so she could give him a peck on the cheek. Her eyes twinkled and she said, “Aw, honey, you boys figure it out!” And she walked back into the house. Jerry stood, nonplussed for a moment, and said, “Uh, James, could you give us a little help?” “Where’s the key?” “In the front pocket of my jeans.” Brick said, “Oooh,” and giggled some more. James said, “Ok, here goes.” He reached down Jerry’s front pocket. He felt around and felt a little silly. “There’s nothing there.” “Oh! Duh! Sorry, I think they’re in my other front pocket.” James said, “Are you trying to get me to feel you up? Is that what this is?” “You might as well. I won’t be getting any from Carrie tonight!” said Jerry. Brick laughed some. “Maybe I should have said they were in my pocket first!” Jerry tried to turn around to Brick, but that just pulled Brick around behind him again. He said, “Go find your own hand job, man! I was here first!” James said, “Hold still or I can’t feel either of you up!” He reached down Jerry’s other pocket and found the key in there. He unlocked the two of them and they rubbed their wrists some.

“That was stupid. Why did we do that again?” asked Brick. Jerry said, “I did it to get Jimmy to feel me up. I don’t know why you did it.” James clenched his teeth. “It’s James, please. I’m not real crazy about Jimmy.” Jerry said, “Ooops. Sorry, James. I’ll remember!” Jerry walked over to the front seat of the cruiser and dug around for a second until he found what he was looking for. He banged his head on the roof of the cruiser as he stood back up. He rubbed the back of his head with one hand and held out a business card to James with his other.

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“Tomorrow morning, just give me a call and let me know when you want someone to get you back to your car. I’ll send one of the duty officers over to take you. Hell, if I’m free, I’ll do it myself!” Jerry put his arm around James and gave him what he probably thought was a light squeeze. “Thanks, James. You put up with a lot tonight. Next time, you’ll have to get drunk and high with us, rather than just chauffeuring. It’s good to get to meet you, though. Brick said you were a cool guy, and he was right! Talk to you tomorrow!” James went to get back in the cruiser, and saw Brick already back in the back seat. He opened Brick’s door and said, “Hey, ride up front with me. It’ll feel weird with you in the back.” Brick had a blank look for a minute and said, “Oh. I guess it would.” He climbed out of the back seat and started to get in the driver’s seat. “Alright, champ,” said James. “Why don’t you let me do the driving. You go get in the passenger seat.” Brick grinned sheepishly and tried again, and finally got the right seat this time. Brick explained where he lived out towards Lake Natahatchee, on Old Yates Mill Road. James knew the street and headed out that way, driving as carefully as he could. Brick started winding down and leaned his head against the window of the police cruiser. After a moment, James commented, “Jerry seems like a nice guy. Not like most cops tend to be.” Brick’s eyes stayed closed and his head remained against the window, but he answered, “Oh, yeah. Jerry’s great! You’d think he was king of the good-ol’-boys by looking at him, but he’s not. We got to be buddies pretty soon after I moved back to Lawder.” Brick laughed sleepily and said, “I can’t believe I got him to smoke pot with you in here! He’s usually really picky about who he does that around. Really careful. Which he has to be, for sure.” James drove on in silence for a minute and Brick lifted his head off the window to watch James. He said, “I’m sorry I told him you were gay. I didn’t mean to say something I shouldn’t. You just seemed pretty open about it so far, which is good, and I just thought you wouldn’t care.” James said, “Don’t worry about it. I’m not hiding it, and you don’t have to either. It just caught me off guard, that’s all. It’s nice to know someone like him on the police force is completely comfortable around gays.” Brick leaned his head back up against the window and said, “Yeah, it is.” It got quiet again, and James started thinking about how Brick had such great friends. They had fun and picked at each other, but you could tell they all took care of each other and looked out for each other. His own experience with his friends in New York was very different from that. He had always thought that his friends in New York were good friends, at least until the end, anyway. That was when everything went wrong

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with Ian, and James finally saw that they really didn’t care as much about James as they claimed. It all seemed pretty obvious now, but he didn’t know any better at the time. He thought about how he probably needed to stop the therapy sessions he had started a few weeks before. He had started seeing a therapist there in Lawder to try and help him get over everything that had happened. He had only been twice, and was working up to what actually had happened with Ian. His therapist had instead suggested they begin with discussing James’ friends. James tried to get a feel from her if they were really friends, or just people using and putting up with him. Her response was always, “Well, how do you feel?” or “But it’s your opinion that matters, and not mine.” It frustrated James because he didn’t know how to feel about it. But seeing Brick around his friends, and how he was so comfortable in his life, made James feel lonely and empty. He felt like he had wasted a lot of time on a lie. Except maybe for Ian, but he had ruined that by not really being there for Ian the way he should have. He was a bad friend for Ian the same way his own friends had been to him. Brick, though, just seemed happy. And it made James question how happy he had been in his own life. He glanced over at Brick and realized Brick was sitting up and looking over at him. He also realized Brick had just said something to him that he hadn’t heard. “I’m sorry, Brick, did you say something?” Brick replied, “Never mind. This isn’t a good time and I’m too fucked up.” They rode in silence for a few more minutes. The houses got farther apart as they drove towards the outer edge of Lawder where Brick lived, where it transitioned from residential to rural. Brick suddenly said, “You know... I admire you, James.” The statement completely took James by surprise. “Why would you admire me?” “You’ve done so much, you know. You’ve been so successful. You had this really amazing job where you got to meet all kinds of important people. You’ve traveled a lot, and worked on things for movies that everyone knows about and has seen. I bet you had your pick of guys in New York. And your mom told me you got to meet Ben Affleck once.” James had to smile. Meeting Ben Affleck wasn’t as impressive as Brick thought it was. “It was just at a press junket for the movie Paycheck,” he explained. “I barely got to say hello to him.” “Yeah, but there were others. Lots, I bet. The closest I’ll ever get to anyone like that is by standing next to a stand-up cutout at the video store.” “Well, you said all that about me in the past tense, which is right. I don’t do any of that any more. I don’t have that big, important job anymore.” Brick said, “No, but I bet you could. If it was what you really wanted, you could go get another job just like it any time you wanted. Maybe you don’t want to, but that’s your choice.” James sat in silence. He didn’t know how to respond. He certainly didn’t feel like anything worth someone else’s admiration right now. There was a time when he was so

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proud that he would have felt like people did owe him that, but life had shown him otherwise. Brick only knew the surface and didn’t realize the truth. Brick’s apartment was in an older two-story house that had been divided up into several units, and was in a quieter, almost rural, part of Old Yates. James looked to see if there was a vinyl couch and old TV set up on the front porch, but he didn’t see one. He did see the Montgomery Landscaping box truck parked there, though. James got Brick to check and make sure he still had the truck keys for in the morning, which he did. Brick leaned back in the open cruiser door and said, “I’ve got to let Kicker out for a minute in the back. Do you want to come in?” James asked, “Kicker?” Brick yawned, “Yeah, my yellow lab. He’s the brains of our little outfit.” “Yeah... but... Kicker?” he asked again. “Short for Shit-Kicker.” James leaned his head to one side and arched his eyebrows at Brick to express his disbelief that Brick had actually named his dog that. Brick laughed and shook his head, “I know, I know... He already had that name when I got him. So you wanna come in?” But James felt a little drained and empty and just wanted to be in bed. “Thanks, but I’m going to go ahead and get back to my place and go to bed.” Brick nodded with sort of a sad, drunk look on his face. “Alright. Maybe some other time. Drive careful.” James got home and finally got ready for bed. He took the dragonfly crystal block out of its box and looked at it for a few minutes. He wished that he could have smoked some of the joint with Brick and Jerry earlier. It would have made him relax a little bit and made his mind stop spinning. When he did finally turn out the light and lay down to sleep, he found it hard to drift off. James just lay in his bed, awake, counting the strips of light made by the street light shining through the mini-blinds in his bedroom. Tonight there were thirty-seven. Sometimes there were only thirty-six. One odd night there had been only thirty-five. It just depended on how he had moved the blinds when closing them. He lay there for a long time thinking of what he had done to Ian. And what he had done to himself.

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Chapter 12

James dug through his pockets until he fished out the card that Jerry had given him the night before. He wondered if it was too early to call Jerry about getting a ride back to his car at the bowling alley, but he had said to call him whenever he was ready to go. He punched in the number and waited as it rang. James wondered if Jerry would actually even remember him; he was pretty drunk the night before. A few seconds later, Jerry answered, “Hello?” James said, “Hey, Jerry? This is James Montgomery.” Jerry boomed into his phone, “James! You ready to go get your car?” So he did remember. “Yeah, if it’s convenient. I’d like to go on over whenever and pick it up so I can head on in to work.” “You got it, my man! I’m still getting ready to go in myself. I know it may astound you, but I got me a little bit of a headache from last night. I totally blame that asshole, Brick. He’s done nothing but get me in trouble since I met him. I’ll call in and get one of the duty officers to swing by and pick you up.” James gave his address to Jerry and was about to hang up when Jerry told him, “Thanks for puttin’ up with our bullshit last night. I’m glad you came by and could carry us home. Next time, though, you’re comin’ bowling with us.” “Well, maybe. I’m not a very good bowler.” “Hell, we all suck possum cocks, James, so that excuse’ll get you nowhere. I’ll track you down if I have to, and I gotta say, I’m pretty good at it.” “Alright, but only if you let me borrow your lucky leopard print thong.” “Washed or unwashed?” asked Jerry.

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“Surprise me.” “You got it!” James hung up and waited for whoever was going to pick him up. The knock on the door almost shocked him. He looked down at his watch and ten minutes had gone by. He realized he had been staring at the rug in his living room the whole time. His mind had been spinning over the same things it had the night before. In particular, he thought about the times he and Benard, his ex-boyfriend Patricio, and Louis had been out at one of their favorite bars in New York. They picked on each other, but they all took it a little further than what would be just playing and teasing. It always went just a little too far, to where it actually was intended to hurt, to cut a little too close to the bone. Brick, Jesus, Roddy, Jerry, Agnes, all those guys, teased each other, but it was always good natured. James definitely needed to stop seeing the therapist. Seeing her did him no more good than sitting in an empty room and talking to himself about it. He wanted some perspective on it, but Dr. Anniston was a limp noodle when it came to that. Maybe he needed to try a different therapist, but for now he might as well just deal with it all on his own. James went to open the door, and was surprised to see J. T. there smiling, his police cap in his hand. “Hey, J. T.! I didn’t expect to find you on my doorstep!” exclaimed James. He couldn’t help but notice how J. T.’s arms were tight in the short-sleeved uniform shirt. “It was funny, but I recognized the address when the dispatcher called me. You doing good?” James said, “Yeah, I’m doing fine. Oh, hey, check it out! I finally did get all my stuff settled.” He moved out of the way so that J. T. could see into his apartment. J. T., rather than just peek into James’ apartment, came right on in to look around a little. “You did! It looks great. You’ve got really nice stuff! It’s not cluttered or crammed in. My girlfriend likes to have lots of stuff sitting around. I’m always scared I’m going to knock something off a table and piss her off. You ready to go?” James grabbed his keys and they walked down to where he had parked Jerry’s cruiser the night before. Another police cruiser was waiting next to it, with a young black female cop waiting on the sidewalk. J. T. said, “James, this is Shelynne. She’s going to drive Capt. Pritchart’s cruiser back and I’ll run you over to your car.” James said hello and gave Shelynne the keys to the cruiser. As she took off, Shelynne waved at James and J. T. as they got into the other police car. At first James was going to get in the back. J. T. said, that smile on his face again, “The back’s for perps, James. Sit up front with me.” James got into the front and they took off to the bowling alley.

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James said, “I’m a little embarrassed to put you guys out like this. It seems like a crazy use of police time to get me back over to my car.” “Don’t even think about it,” said J. T. “We all do this for each other. We’d much rather spend the time like this if it means none of us are out driving around drunk at night. How do you know Capt. Pritchart?” “Really, I don’t. I just met him for the first time last night. I had to take something to one of the guys he was bowling with, and they asked me to take them home since I hadn’t been drinking. Hey, have you ever seen Capt. Pritchart get mad at anybody?” J. T. laughed and said, “I know why you’re asking. And yes, I’ve seen him blow up furious at a recruit once. And yes, it’s scary as shit. I’m ex-Marine myself, and I’ll tell you, under no circumstance will I ever, EVER, do anything that I think will piss that man off. It’s rare, though, to see him like that. He’s normally cool as a cucumber, even in dangerous situations. Everyone on the force really respects him. He’s probably going to wind up Chief of Police when Chief McDonnell retires.” James wanted to ask if J. T. had ever seen Jerry’s lucky thong, but decided not to. “So, did you work for a car dealership up in New York?” asked J. T. “Oh, no. Up in New York, I worked for a marketing company. I specialized in film promotion.” J. T. asked, “What does that mean?” “You know the ads you see in magazines for movies? The movie trailers on TV? I helped create all that. We’d also do stuff like host press junkets, get stars on talk shows to push the movies, manage the premieres sometimes. Anything that helps generate interest in a film.” “Wow, what a cool job! Did you do stuff for any big films? Anything I’d know?” “Well, let’s see.” James thought about it for a second, then said, “I oversaw some of the campaign for Ocean’s Twelve, and Paycheck – that movie with Ben Affleck, and Ladder 49. Did you see any of those?” J. T.’s eyes were wide. “Man, that’s great! I saw all those films! Paycheck kicked ass! I love that movie! Do you get to work with the stars a lot? Who all have you met?” “Marketing people usually don’t get to meet many of the stars. Most of the time, we don’t get involved until after the stars have done their part. But sometimes you do. I got to meet Ben Affleck once, and David Letterman. Who else? Oh, Mike Myers, and Naomi Watts. And Diane Keaton. I got to talk to her for a while.” J. T. was totally taken. “No shit! All those people? That’s so cool! Diane Keaton’s great! I loved that movie Something’s Gotta Give!” James said, “Yeah, that movie’s really good.”

“So why’d you move back here, James?” asked J. T. James knew the question was bound to come up, and he had his vague answer ready. “Well, despite the cool aspects of the job, it has a lot of downsides and a lot of

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pressure. If a movie flops, we’re the first ones they blame. In the end, the job and some other aspects of New York just weren’t working out any more.” “Did you have a partner in New York? A boyfriend?” James started to get a little uncomfortable. “I dated a couple of guys while I lived up there. No one for very long, though.” It was the truth. “Hey, does anyone ever call you Jimmy? James seems a little, I don’t know, formal?” asked J. T. James respected that at least J. T. asked before just calling him Jimmy. “People try sometimes. To be honest, I’ve never really liked the name Jimmy very much. I try to keep people on James if I can.” J. T. nodded and said, “I can understand that. I prefer J. T. to Julian and Titus. Hey, speaking of movies... have you given that DVD I found a test drive to see if it was scratched?” James had tried to forget about that. “Is there any kind of obscenity law about having stuff like that in Georgia?” “Probably,” laughed J. T. “But I don’t care. I got my own collection of porno, if it makes you feel any better. Straight stuff, of course.” “Well, in that case, I have tried it out and it looked good to me.” “Good, nobody wants to see good porn get ruined!” teased J. T. As they pulled into the Ten Pins parking lot, J. T. said, “Here you go, James. You had the Mustang, right? I’m glad I got the call this morning. It was cool talking to you! Next time I run into you, I want to hear more about some of the movies you’ve worked on!” James said, “Sure, any time! Thanks for the ride, J. T.” As J. T. was driving off in his cruiser, he gave James a thumbs-up through his window and James waved back.

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Chapter 13

James’ mom put the cup of coffee down in front of James, along with some cream and sugar. James put a little of the sugar in and stirred it around some. He said, “Ok, so are you going to tell me what this is all about now?” His mother sat down next to him on the sofa in her den. She looked like she dreaded what she was about to do. James had never seen his mother be so mysterious about anything. She had him come over for dinner because she had something to talk about, but wouldn’t say what. All through dinner she wouldn’t talk about it, and now it was really starting to worry James. She kept stalling, and James said, “Look, you’re starting to freak me out. Are you ok? Is there anything wrong?” His mother looked a little relieved. She said, “Oh, no. I’m fine. Healthy as a horse! It’s actually a good thing. I’m just not sure how you’re going to react.” “Oh my God! You’re not dating someone, are you?” James realized how distraught he would be at the thought. His dad had walked out on them when he was still very young, mostly because his father couldn’t handle that his mother was a much better business person than he was – he was very traditional and the man in the relationship should be in charge of all that. But he constantly screwed everything up and his mom was always having to fix it, and stroke his dad’s ego at the same time to try and make him feel like he was great at business. But he got tired of it and had left them. Building a successful business got much easier after he had left them and Bea had never shown any interest in another man after he had walked out. The very idea of having a new dad all of a sudden was very disturbing to James. “What? No! I’m not dating anyone!” She obviously thought that idea was preposterous. “Then talk!”

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She took a deep breath. “I’ve been to see Lindsey several times with her foster family. And, God bless her, she’s doing pretty well there. And this family is good to her, but they’ve got three other kids, too. I worry that Lindsey isn’t getting the attention she needs. James, sugar, I’ve started thinking about adopting Lindsey. How do you feel about having a little sister?” James’ bottom jaw dropped open. He totally wasn’t expecting this. Not one bit. A little sister? She had volunteered at the hospital God knows how many years and had never gotten this attached to any of the children there. He wished he had drunk more than one beer with dinner. He finally started to stammer, “Adopt... you... Lindsey... adopt...” She looked at her son, her dark eyes fixed on James expectantly. “Yes, adopt Lindsey.” James closed his eyes hard and shook his head for a second, trying to get a grip on what his mother had just said. It took a long minute. What he finally managed to say was, “You’re old enough to be her grandmother!” “I knew you were going to say that!” She swatted James on the arm. “Ouch! And I’m old enough to be her... father. Ooof!” Saying that didn’t make James feel good at all. His mother sighed. “I thought maybe you’d be against the idea.” James said, “Wait, wait... I didn’t say that. I just got hit over the head with a telephone pole, mom, and it’s gonna take a second for me to process it.” Bea said, “Oh James. She’s what’s called a waiting child, and she’s five years old. The chances of someone else coming along and adopting her are very low. I can’t bear it! I’ve thought a lot about it and I think I want to do this.” James knew his mother. She didn’t make decisions casually. He knew she really had thought about it from all kinds of different angles, and if the answer was to adopt, it probably was the right thing to do. When she started something, she would stick with it and make it successful, like her business and her hospital work. And she was definitely good with kids. He said to her, “I know you, mom. I’m sure you’ve thought about it very thoroughly, and I’m sure I’d be hard pressed to come up with a reason for you to not do it.” “I know I may be a little older than most mothers with a five-year-old, but I’m financially very stable, I’ve got plenty of time to devote to her, and I’ve already successfully raised one child,” she said. Then she added, with a twinkle in her eye, “And I’ve learned from all the mistakes I made with you!” James laughed. “Like letting a seven-year-old drive the car around by himself?” His mother looked at him sternly, “You stole the car keys, and we agreed to never mention that again!”

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She leaned over and kissed her son on the cheek. “But I’m not looking for reasons to not do it. I’m looking for your support. I’m going to need it.” James was still completely astounded at the idea of suddenly having a five-year-old sister. He leaned over and grabbed his mother and hugged her tight. “You’ve blown my mind, mom. But of course, you’ve got my support! As long as I stay your favorite!” “Thank you, James! You mean so much to me, and I’d never be able to do this without you. I hope she’ll grow up to be as wonderful a child as you’ve been!” James said with an evil grin, “Plus, it’ll be kind of cool to have a younger sibling I can beat up on!” Bea gasped, “James! Stop kidding around like that! I won’t have that kind of talk!” James asked, “So who all have you talked to about this?” And just as he said it, he realized he was paranoid that his mother had already talked to probably everybody and that he was the last to know. He felt a stabbing pain inside and didn’t want to hear his mother’s answer. But Bea said, “Well, you’re the first, really. You’re my son, and this affects you more than anybody else. I have talked to an adoption case manager in the state Department of Family and Children Services a little bit. It’s quite a process to go through, but for a waiting child like Lindsey, it gets expedited some.” James instantly felt ashamed of himself for thinking his mother would have put him on the bottom of the totem pole. His feelings of being an outsider since moving back to Lawder were even encroaching on his relationship with his own mother. “Does the fact that you’ll be a single mother affect this at all? Will that prevent you from being able to adopt her?” asked James. “It doesn’t, really. They’ll look very closely at my lifestyle and stability to make sure I’ve got the support and resources to raise her well, but I don’t think that will be much of an issue, do you? They’ll probably want to talk to you some about growing up with me as a single parent, so I guess if you ever wanted revenge on me for anything, your golden opportunity is coming up.” James laughed and yelled “OOH, that’s perfect! You are so going to pay for not letting me get that subscription to In Touch magazine when I was fourteen!” He added, “You’ll be fine. You’ve got the money and the time, and you’ve got me and a hospital full of people that can testify to how good you are with kids. And once Lindsey moves in, I can help, and I bet Brick will, and Jesus and Melena, too. Although, I don’t know anything about raising a kid. I never put any thought into that at all, to be honest.” “Having the right support around you is important, and I’ve got that. Including everyone at the hospital that would love to help Lindsey some more. The case manager will want to talk to lots of people, though.” “Do you think you’ll stop volunteering at the hospital?” asked James.

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“Absolutely not! There’s no reason to quit helping at the hospital! I may scale back a little, but I won’t quit. Besides, Lindsey’s five. She’ll be starting school next fall and it would be good to have her in a kindergarten program before then. I’ll still have plenty of time in the day during the week when I can be at the hospital. Lord knows I don’t get to lift a finger for the business any more, except to sign some checks now and again. Kevin makes sure of that!” James knew that wasn’t strictly true. His mother didn’t get out and work with the crew at all anymore; any gardening she did was strictly for her own pleasure. But she did a little more than just sign checks. She knew almost everyone in town and helped get new business. She almost always handled the trickier negotiations for any business accounts Montgomery Landscaping had and she was very good at it. She had joked that she handled the tricky ones, Brick handled almost all the rest, and they sent Roddy in to sign up the bored housewives, usually wearing a tight t-shirt if possible. James asked, “Will she keep her own name, or will her last name change to Montgomery? Actually, what is her last name? I don’t even know it.” “It’s Doland. Lindsey Elizabeth Doland. You know, I haven’t even thought about that. I want her to know about her birth parents, so maybe she should keep it. But maybe it would be easier on her at this point in life to share our last name. I guess I’ll have to talk to the case manager about that, and go with whatever she suggests.” They got quiet for a moment, and James enjoyed seeing the fire in his mother’s eyes. She was clearly very excited about the idea of adopting Lindsey. James couldn’t help but marvel at what a remarkable woman his mother was. It didn’t seem like there wasn’t anything she couldn’t tackle. She had raised James alone after his dad split, had built up the business from there, and now, at a little over fifty, she was adopting a child to raise. She had always had a natural instinct for handling every situation. It was almost spooky sometimes. James grabbed his mother’s hand and told her, “You’re going to make a great mom again. I’ve been lucky to have you all to myself for so long, and now Lindsey will be the luckiest girl.” James could tell his mother was about to let a tear slip out, but she grabbed his hand with both of hers and rubbed it. They talked for a long time, about Lindsey’s need for follow-up physical therapy for another year, the challenge of helping her adjust without her parents, the fact that she’d go to the same schools that James had gone to, and many other topics. Finally, much later, James asked, “There’s one other thing that worries me, so I have to know... Is Lindsey potty trained?” His mother looked at him like he was crazy. “She’s five! Of course, she’s potty trained! What kind of question is that?” James looked flustered. “I don’t know! I don’t deal with kids! How am I supposed to know? I’ve got a ton to learn, but I’m starting from zero here. But just as long as it doesn’t involve diapers, I’ll be able to manage!” The relief on his face was tangible.

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When James got ready to head home, he hugged his mother hard and told her that he’d be there for her for anything she ever needed, just like she had always been for him. Except for the In Touch subscription. On his way back, though, James realized there was something nagging at him about it. It was more than just the shock of the news and his nervousness about being part of raising a little girl. He felt unsettled and he didn’t know why. Within his circle of friends in New York, the idea of having kids was ridiculous. And then it hit him. His life had stopped in its tracks months ago, and everyone else’s seemed to be proceeding fine. He felt isolated and marginalized. That was the word that came to mind. Even in his own mother’s life, he felt like he was marginalized. Reasonably, he knew that wasn’t the case, but after the hurt he had gone through, he was hoping he’d have Lawder and his mother as his rock he could cling to until he felt like he could move forward again. He had come back to Lawder wanting it to be him and his mother for a little while, just like it had always been, where he’d feel safe. But he had come back to find this Brick guy there, and he still wasn’t sure what to make of all that. And now his mother was going to be very busy with a five-year-old. He felt like he was outside looking at everyone else’s life.

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James followed Brick back over to his apartment. His place was the bottom right one in the old house, and James realized that in the whole time he had been back in Lawder, he hadn’t been in Brick’s apartment yet. Brick’s cell phone rang as they were getting out of their cars. From what James could tell, he thought it was probably Jerry calling. When Brick hung up, he said, “Jerry’s done fixing the paperwork problem he had to go in for. Somebody screwed something up and a judge was about to let someone walk because of it, so he’s had some day. He wants to come over and get high, too. Really bad, it sounds like. So he’s on his way over now.” Kicker was waiting for them as soon as Brick opened his apartment door and let James in. And before James realized he was there, Kicker gave him a good solid snuffle in between the legs, which made James jump back up, knocking into Brick. Brick started laughing and said, “What’s your problem with Kicker doing that? I’d think you’d like it. God knows it’s been so long for me, I’d probably shoot off in my pants from that alone.” James looked around Brick’s living room and realized that, once again, the image James had didn’t match the truth for Brick. It was neat and clean and totally picked up, save for a navy blue sweatshirt that had been thrown over the back of an easy chair. The apartment had hardwoods, which probably could do with some refinishing, but it was an old house. The furniture wasn’t crappy, old, dirty, or fussy looking. But, it wasn’t high end or sophisticated, either. The best way that James could describe it was just simple. It was simple, well-kept furniture in a well-kept apartment. The sofa was a traditional one with clean lines and rolled arms and a slipcover made of blue striped mattress-ticking. There was the easy chair, slip-covered like the sofa, but in a gray cotton material instead. There was one other easy chair, deep and comfortable, in a beautiful, weathered leather and rich caramel in color. In between the sofa and easy chair was a coffee table made of glass and wrought iron. Not intricate wrought iron, with lots of scroll work. It was plain, just enough to support the glass. James glanced around some more and noticed the low chest with the TV and stereo on it, the dining table, the light blue walls. He liked it all immediately. Brick started scratching Kicker’s head on both sides at the same time with his hands. “Ignore all the hair in here.” Brick started talking to Kicker in a baby voice saying, “I told you not to shed, you bad dog, and you go and do it anyway. No treats for you! No treats for you!” Kicker’s tail wagged violently and he tried to kiss Brick on the face. Brick looked back up at James and ran his hand down the front of his flannel shirt. “I shouldn’t tease him like that. I probably shed worse than he does. Have a seat anywhere.” Brick went into the kitchen and came back with a rawhide chew for Kicker. He threw it to him and Kicker sat down with it next to the easy chair, happily gnawing away at it. James had walked over to a framed photo he saw on the chest of drawers. It

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was a photo of a very drunk Brick being led away by two security guards from the stands. In the background, you could see some cars on the track below. James took off his coat and asked, “So it’s been a long time for you. Have you ever thought about getting remarried?” Brick looked completely stymied for a full minute, and even looked at his watch, before answering, “After what happened with Jenny, marriage makes me a little nervous. Hell, it makes me nervous about even really getting involved that way again. So I hardly even date. Couple of one-nighters here and there. Eventually, if it’s right, then I’ll get involved again. You want something to drink? I may even have some scotch in there if I scrounge around a little. You feeling sophisticated tonight?” James said, “Nah, beer’s fine.” He walked around and peeked into Brick’s bedroom, which was as neat and simple as the rest of the apartment. Brick came in to hand him his beer. James asked, “And this is where all the white hot action happens, on those rare occasions?” Brick laughed derisively, “Oh, God no! If I get some action, it’s out behind the dumpster at Luther’s Down Home Bar-B-Que! I like to impress!” James went back into the living room and sat on the sofa while Brick pulled out his bong and bag of pot and started to set up. Right at the time when Brick finished setting up and it was ready to go, Jerry came busting into the apartment, still in his cop uniform and police jacket. Brick said to James hurriedly, “If you want a hit, you’d better go now before Jerry gets ahold of it.” James immediately took the bong and took a good hit off it. Jerry was clearly in a huge hurry to get high. He threw his jacket off, said hello to both of them, and stood impatiently over James, shifting his weight rapidly from one foot to the other. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Hurry up, man, my turn! C’mon, gimme!” James finished and gave a little cough as he finally exhaled and waved the smoke away. Jerry jumped on the bong and took a huge hit off it. James could see Jerry’s eyes almost roll back into his head from the relief. He then looked over at Brick, and they both started laughing at Jerry. He was still sucking on it, but his eyes focused a little bit and his look told them both to shut the hell up. Brick said, “Man, something’s got you going tonight!” Jerry let go of the bong and let out a long, “Ooooooooohhhhhh!” as he exhaled. He unbuttoned his shirt a few buttons and sat down next to James on the couch, taking up far more of it than James did. Brick had to load a little more pot before he could take his hit. James took a swig of beer and said, “What’s got you so worked up?”

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Jerry had leaned back in the sofa, closed his eyes, and spread his arms out across the back. He finally opened his eyes and looked over at James and Brick with a shit-eating grin on his face. He said, “I met with the City Council and mayor today. Chief McDonnell’s retiring at the end of January, and I’m going to be the new chief of police!” Brick coughed and pulled the bong away from his mouth. Both he and James were all over each other saying “That’s awesome!” and “Congratulations, you son-of-a-bitch!” Jerry said, “Christ, I’m so excited! Carrie Anne about flipped out! Chief McDonnell told the mayor earlier this week about his retirement and they met with the City Council to pick a successor to appoint. And that’s me if I forgot to mention it to you! The new fucking chief of the god damn Lawder motherfucking police department! And they had me in today to tell me.” “You guys can’t tell anyone, though,” continued Jerry. “They don’t officially announce Chief McDonnell’s retirement until next week. Carrie Anne’s about to bust, and me, too, really. I needed to get high really bad all day to calm down, so thank God you guys were over here!” James had drawn another round off the bong and Brick was still wide-eyed at the news. Brick said excitedly, “This so rocks, man! I don’t ever have to worry about getting a fucking speeding ticket in this town ever again!” Jerry had grabbed the bong back and was hitting it again when he said, muffled since he wouldn’t stop drawing, “Uh uh. Noh. Absholuley noh. I beddah noh fine out youah doin’ anyshing illegal.” He finally put the bong down and exhaled through a grin. “Cause if I do, I’ll throw your ass in jail so fast, it’ll cause a sonic boom!” Brick held up the bong to him in a salute. “Here, here. It’s about time we had someone taking the law seriously in this city!” Jerry said to Brick, “You cross me, boy, and I’ll put you in the back cell with a three hundred pound black guy named Tiny.” James almost sprayed beer out his nose at that one. Jerry turned to James and said, “And you, I’ll throw you in with the dykes!”

“Hah-hah!” taunted Brick. James took another swig of beer and motioned back and forth between him and Brick. “Hey Brick, I’ll swap with ya!” Jerry laughed and leaned his head along the top of the sofa. “God, I’ve needed this all day.” Brick got up and walked behind Jerry. He slapped both hands on his shoulders and said, “Seriously, Jerry, congratulations! It’s been a long time coming, and there’s no better man for the job!” James raised his beer to Jerry and said, “Here’s to the new Chief of Police!”

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Brick raised his beer, too, then yelled, “Shit! Jerry doesn’t have a beer yet! Hold that thought!” He ran into the kitchen and grabbed a beer for him. James tried again, “Here’s to the new Jerry of Po... I mean the new Jeef of Police!” Brick and Jerry raised their beers and Brick said, “Here, here!” Then he giggled and said to James, “You’re stoned, man!” James said, “Oh hoh! Not as stoned as this guy!” He poked Jerry in the side a couple of times as he said it for emphasis. Jerry started laughing, jerking back, and writhing around while James poked at him relentlessly. “Stop that!” yelled Jerry. “Holy crap, you’re ticklish!” exclaimed James. Then he poked Jerry in the side a couple more times in the side while saying, “Stop? What? This?” Jerry recoiled violently on the second poke and actually fell off the couch laughing, which set James and Brick to laughing hysterically. Jerry got up and walked over and stood behind Brick in the easy chair. “I’m serious. Stop it! It hurts! Brick, dammit, make him quit!” James had an evil grin on his face at this point. “Ok, I’ll stop. I promise. C’mon and sit back down, ya big baby!!” And then he pretended to suddenly lunge at Jerry again, which made Jerry jump around the chair to keep Brick between him and James. Jerry yelled, “Dang it! Quit that!” He moved back around and sat down on the sofa again next to James, but kept a suspicious eye on him the whole time he did so. Jerry started to lay off the pot and beer so that he’d be able to leave at some point. James remembered he had never heard the story of Jerry’s Ranger buddy. He suggested, “Tell me about your Ranger buddy that was gay, Cherry.” Jerry settled into the sofa a little more comfortably and began, “Well, as is usual in the Rangers, we were all pretty close, and lived in very close quarters for long periods of time. And I wasn’t kidding about saving each other’s lives on multiple occasions. Clay was the one guy in the unit that didn’t seem to be into bedding down every chick that came along, though. I was the same way, but that was because I was already married to Carrie Anne by that point. Cory hadn’t been born yet, but I didn’t cheat on Carrie Anne. Right before we shipped out to Iraq for the first Gulf War, we had all gone to a bar one night, and the rest of the unit had all picked up girls to take back and have a good time with, but Clay and I wound up shit-faced and talking.” “Over the course of the conversation, Clay admitted to me that he was into guys. I’ll admit, it took me totally by surprise, and I wasn’t sure what to think. Clay was one serious bad-ass, and this just didn’t fit my image of him. At first, I think I was a little put off by it, but I didn’t say anything to anyone else, and Clay and I didn’t talk about it again.”

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“Real soon after that, we were shipped off to Iraq and got into some pretty hairy shit over there, before the main fighting started in the first Gulf War. I watched how Clay handled himself, how he respected the brotherhood of us in the unit. I wound up coming to the conclusion that it didn’t matter to me. As far as I was concerned, he was as much of a man as anyone in that group. And so one night, when I got him alone for a little while, I broke the silence between us about it, and I told him so. I told him he didn’t need to worry about me telling anybody and that I was glad he felt he could be honest with me. And for a man that could be as hard-edged as he could be, the relief in his face let me know just how scared he had been all that time, and how important it was to him to have even just one person he could be honest with. It made me realize that he didn’t have to just be careful behind enemy lines, he had to be careful around his own side. I can’t imagine what that burden would be like.” Jerry paused here and drank from his beer. He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then continued, “We got back late one night from a particularly haywire mission, and we were lucky to get back. And I mean skin-of-our-teeth lucky. As soon as we were back, I got word that a close buddy of mine in another unit had been killed that day, and after what we had just been through, I didn’t know if I could hold up. All the other guys were just tired and didn’t say anything to me. It was a war and people died, and they just wanted to get in bed. But on our way back to our quarters, Clay took me aside and told me he was sorry to hear I had lost a friend. And he hugged me. For a second, I didn’t think I wanted him hugging me, but then I realized I needed it. He just kept me in that hug out in the dark in the desert in a war zone and let me cry it out. That night, I saw Clay as something even more than the rest of us. He was someone that showed as much courage and strength as each of us, and yet was kinder and gentler than any of us. He and I became pretty inseparable after that. He’s one of the finest people I’ve ever met.” James was very impressed with the story, and Brick was quiet after Jerry finished. James said, “Wow! That’s pretty incredible! It’d be amazing to meet this guy one day.” Jerry put his beer can down and said, “Too late, he’s had a partner for years now.” James frowned and threw a pillow at Jerry. “You jackass, I didn’t mean it like that!” The three of them talked for another hour at least. Brick told the story of how, when he and Jerry were just becoming friends, Jerry was over and found a roach Brick had left out. Brick was scared to death Jerry was going to bust him, but he wanted to smoke one with him instead. And they talked about Jerry’s upcoming promotion some more, too. And while they talked, before James got too drunk and high to really think coherently at all, he thought about how good it was to sit there and get high and cut up with the two of them. It was the same kind of thing he had done with Benard, Patricio, and Louis in New York, but different. In New York, there was always that razor’s edge to everything they said to each other that hurt. And if you pointed that out, they’d always say it was just a joke and to stop being so sensitive. But he saw how friends wouldn’t intentionally do that. Real friends knew where to draw the line between laughing with you instead of at you. Why had it taken James so long to see that? But at least now he let himself enjoy the friends he did have rather than dwell on the pain caused by the friends he left behind.

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James answered the door just after he had finished making a sandwich for his dinner that night and saw J. T. standing there in uniform, his cap under his arm. James said, “Hey J. T. Come on in and sit down!” J. T. nodded at James and came into his apartment. James motioned him to sit down on the couch. “Still on duty or off?” asked James. “Just got off.” “Cool. You want something to drink? I just made a sandwich for dinner, I can make one for you, too, if you’re hungry.” J. T. slouched back into the sofa and spread his arms across its back. He said, “Nah, I’m good. I just wanted to stop by for just a minute.” “Oh, come on, it’s just a sandwich and a beer or something. You’ve got time for that!” said James. J. T. seemed a little uncomfortable and said, “No, really, I can’t stay. But thanks, anyway.” James almost was about to push a little harder just for fun, but decided not to. He said, “Ok, so what can I do for you?” J. T. started twirling his hat around on his finger and he stared at it. Whatever he wanted to say, he was having a little trouble getting it out. J. T. finally cleared his throat and looked up at James, but then looked back down at his hat in his hands instead. “So, uh, you know... do you remember that, ahhhh... video you had that I, uh, ran across the first time I came here?” J. T. had turned a shade pinker than usual. James started to realize where this was maybe going, and he was having trouble believing it. “Yeah, I remember it,” he replied. J. T. looked at James briefly again and said, “Do you still have it?” “Yeah, I’ve still got it.” James was letting J. T. take it at his pace. J. T.’s voice cracked a little bit and he didn’t take his eyes off his hat. “Could I... maybe, ahhh... borrow it?” James was happy to see J. T. just spit it out. He also wondered if J. T. was going to spit the rest of it out or not. He thought probably not given how much effort it took for J. T. to just ask to borrow a DVD. He decided to try to maybe pull it out of him.

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James said, “Sure, you can borrow it. J. T., are you gay?” J. T. immediately looked up in embarrassment and said, “Oh, no, no, I’m not queer, I mean, gay. I’m just kinda curious as to what’s on one of these DVD’s, that’s all. Since you had one, I thought maybe I’d check it out to see what kind of, uh, stuff happens in ‘em.” James knew he wouldn’t get the real answer out of J. T. today. But that was ok. People had to come out at their own pace and James wasn’t one to try to put it on his own schedule. James said, “Sure. Just checking. Up in New York, I had some straight friends, guys, that borrowed some of these from me, just because they wanted to know what kind of stuff went on in them. You know, when you called, I wondered what you wanted to stop by for.” James felt pretty sure J. T. was lying. If J. T. had truly just been curious, he would have said so up front. “Let me go get it for you,” said James and he went to go dig the movie out from where he had buried them deep in his closet. Normally, he would have had them more accessible, but he was never sure when his mom would come by and just start rooting around through stuff. Or worse, now he had to also worry about Lindsey being over there for a little while and running across something like that. While digging through the closet, James thought how nice it would be to have J. T. actually turn out to be gay. It had been a long dry spell for James and thinking that he might be able to get J. T. in the sack was very, very appealing, and not just because he was getting desperate. From day one, he had thought J. T. was good looking. But even if J. T. wasn’t into James, just to have a gay friend in town would be very welcome. Melvyn the hairstylist was a bit much sometimes, even if they had hung out together only once or twice since James had moved to town. He got to the movies back behind his sweaters. He almost brought the whole pile of them out to let J. T. browse and choose, but he thought that might overload him. Instead, he just dug out his copy of Hung Horses II and took it out to J. T. in the den. “Sorry it took so long. I’ve got these things buried in the closet pretty far back.” He handed the movie to J. T. who looked at the front and back of the DVD case briefly. J. T. said, “Uh...” James said matter-of-factly, “Sorry. You’re just going to have to carry it around in your hand where everyone can see it.” J. T. looked at James, unsure if he was kidding or not. “Let me get a bag or something for you to put it in. If I’m going to loan these out, I probably should have some of those small black plastic bags like they put them in in New York.” James went into the kitchen and grabbed a perfectly clear plastic bag. He went back and handed it to J. T.

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J. T. looked up at James with a smile on his face and said, “Ok, you are shittin’ me now!” “Finally! I get you to loosen up a little!” said James, smiling back at J. T. That smile of J. T.’s was seriously starting to do things to James. He went and got a small brown paper bag he had in the cupboard and put the DVD in it for J. T. James mentioned, “Oh, by the way, I went to see Chief McDonnell’s retirement ceremony today and to see Jerry get sworn in. I didn’t realize that McDonnell’s been the chief of police here longer than I’ve even been alive.” “Uh, yeah, I missed it. I was out on duty, so I couldn’t be there.” J. T. stood up and walked towards the door. He waved the paper bag with the movie safely hidden in it at James and said, “Thanks for letting me borrow this! You know, I hope you’ll keep this quiet. I’d rather you not mention to anyone I’ve got this movie. Uh, especially Chief Pritchart. But really, don’t tell anyone, please.” “Well, usually I rent out a billboard to show who borrowed what dirty film from me, but if you really want me to be quiet about it, I’ll try.” J. T. gave an uneasy laugh. “J. T.! Relax! Don’t even worry about that! I’m not going to be telling anyone about that movie or who borrows it. Everybody will want to borrow it if they know I’ve got it!” J. T. was clearly nervous about borrowing the movie, so James was doing what he could to make him relax and trust James a little. J. T. stepped out of James’ front door and thanked him again. James said just before he closed his door, “Call me and let me know what you think of it!”

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Chapter 22

James got his wish a few weeks later. Early in the week, J. T. called up to tell James that he appreciated him lending him the DVD. James told J. T. it was no problem and he could keep it as long as he wanted. J. T. stalled for a moment on the phone and then asked James if maybe he wanted to come watch a movie, a regular movie, with him that Friday night. He asked J. T. if he wasn’t going to be going out with his girlfriend on Friday night, but J. T. said that he had broken up with his girlfriend about a month before. James felt even surer of where it was all headed. He said he’d love to watch a movie with him. Then J. T. made James laugh because he said James had a much better TV set and asked if they could watch it over at his place, which James was fine with. After the call, James couldn’t tell how he felt about what was transpiring with J. T. The idea of maybe J. T. turning out gay and starting something with James had a definite appeal, but he wasn’t sure how much he was really ready to move on after what had happened with Ian. It had been over six months now since Ian had killed himself, so James felt like he should be over it, but he still felt a little funny. Besides, James was typically into more professional types, but J. T. was physically very attractive to James, and the idea of him being a cop and ex-marine had a certain sex appeal. Then he felt stupid for overanalyzing the whole thing – he had no idea where this would go with J. T., if anywhere at all. He decided to just let it play out and see what happened. So that Friday, James got home from work as quickly as he could and cleaned up his apartment as best he could before jumping in the shower. J. T. showed up with the pizza and some beer, dressed in a tight pair of faded jeans and a denim coat over a tight gray t-shirt. J. T. looked hot, and James wanted to jump him right then and there, but he didn’t dare. J. T. had brought the movie Wedding Crashers for them to watch on DVD. James grabbed a couple of the beers and put the rest in the fridge. Out in the den, J. T. had taken his shoes off and propped his feet up on the coffee table. “You don’t mind me gettin’ comfortable, do you?” asked J. T.

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“Make yourself at home!” He handed J. T. a beer and wished that what made J. T. comfortable was stripping down to his underwear. James started up the movie and turned out all the lights except those in the kitchen and they started in on the pizza. James asked him, “Have you seen this one already?” “Yeah, saw it in the theater, but I can’t wait to see it again. It’s funny as all shit! How about you?” “Never saw it. I was in the middle of... moving back to Lawder when it came out in the theaters,” said James. In reality, Wedding Crashers had come out right when everything had fallen apart for James in New York, so he had never gotten around to seeing it. James watched J. T. toss back a half a beer in one chug, his bicep pulling tight the sleeve in his t-shirt as he raised the beer bottle. James took a sip out of his own and said, “I didn’t get to ask you on the phone how you liked the movie you borrowed. How was it?” J. T. stared straight ahead at the screen and said, “It was, uh, interesting.” James thought that might be all he would get out of J. T., and he wasn’t sure if he should press the topic or not, but then J. T. started again. “I didn’t know what to expect in it. I kinda assumed the guys in it would all be skinny and effeminate, but they weren’t all like that. Plenty of ‘em were like regular guys. Of course, they were taking a dick up the ass, but they were still regular guys. It was kinda cool to see that one big guy getting sucked off by two other guys out in the barn.” James let J. T. set the stage at his pace and didn’t push it. They watched the movie in silence and James had another slice of pizza while J. T. ran into the kitchen for another round of beers. It didn’t take long for J. T. to bring up the porno film again, though. “Hey, what’s your favorite scene in that movie? The one that turns you on the most,” asked J. T. James thought for a moment, not for his favorite scene, but for the right scene to mention to J. T. He said, “You know the scene out by the river and the guy’s on the white horse? He comes across that other guy trespassing on his property and was going to call the sheriff on him, but decides to make the guy have sex with him instead. The trespasser doesn’t want to, but the other guy convinces him. I like that scene. The trespasser is good looking.” James had picked that because the trespasser was reluctant about sex at first, but then got into it. And the trespasser looked a lot like J. T. By the time James got to the bottom of his first beer, J. T. had already finished his second and was working on a third. They were done with the pizza, so James took it to the kitchen and brought out another beer for himself. They watched the movie for about another twenty minutes, and James had to admit it was really good. He remembered paying attention to how it was marketed when it

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first came out and liked how they approached it. It was a clever, smart-ass campaign that fit the movie well. What James had been waiting for finally happened, though. J. T. stretched his arms up above his head a little bit and asked him, “Hey, James, you don’t mind if I stretch out on the couch a little, do you?” “Nah, go right ahead.” J. T. leaned up against one end of the sofa with his arms behind his head and stretched his legs out down the sofa and across James’ lap. James put his hands down on J. T.’s legs and waited a second. Then slowly, James rubbed up and down J. T.’s shins through his jeans lightly. J. T. reached over to take another long swallow out of his beer and watched James rub his legs. The anticipation of where this was going rolled through James. He wasn’t very used to playing this part this delicately – normally he would have made a much more direct move. After a minute or two of this, James reached his hand up through the leg of J. T.’s jeans and started rubbing his legs directly. J. T. just sighed and leaned back and closed his eyes. James kept an eye on J. T.’s face in the flickering light of the TV to make sure what he was doing was ok, but it was clear J. T. was enjoying it. The feel of J. T.’s legs was bliss for James, he had to admit. Even he closed his eyes and just enjoyed touching another person this way for a few moments, not worrying about how to progress to the next step. Just to see if J. T. would be completely passive or not, James stopped rubbing his legs for a moment. When he looked over at him, J. T. said, “That’s good. Don’t stop.” James started back and rubbed up and down J. T.’s legs some more. But he also ventured out a little and took his other hand and started rubbing J. T.’s thigh, almost up to his crotch. J. T. looked away from James and at the TV for a moment, and then said, “You know I’m straight, right? I’m just kinda curious as to what the whole gay thing is like.” James didn’t say anything in reply. He wanted to call J. T. on the bullshit, but people just figuring it out couldn’t or wouldn’t see it as clearly as someone that’s been out and comfortable with it for years. And James was even willing to concede that J. T. might try it and figure out he didn’t like it. But usually, someone J. T.’s age knew what they wanted whether they would admit to wanting it or not. J. T. suddenly sat up on the couch and James thought that maybe he was having second thoughts. J. T. took his beer and finished the last half of the bottle in one swallow. He looked over at James with a faint smile on his face and said, “So let’s find out what it’s really like.” He put one hand behind James’ neck and pulled him closer and kissed James right on the mouth. Not a superficial, seven-year-old giving an embarrassed, awkward kiss to a classmate, but a full on, deep kiss that made James glad he had taken a deep breath before it happened. It felt so good to James, so totally welcome after so long. It probably would have felt good to James to kiss even Kicker right on the lips given how long it had been, but James had the extra pleasure of

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realizing that J. T. was a very good kisser. For someone so unsure about his sexuality, his kiss was masculine and sure, unafraid to take the lead. James gave it back to J. T. just as well as he was getting it, though. James pulled out of the kiss and J. T. let go of him. He reached out and touched J. T.’s chest through the gray t-shirt he was wearing, which he had wanted to do all night long. “Even if you are just curious, you sure do know what you’re doing,” said James. A shy smile crossed J. T.’s face and he said, “You think so?” James nodded and pushed J. T.’s chest to make him lie down on the sofa and said, “Ohhhh, yeah!” as he did so. James lay down on top of J. T. and started kissing him again, the urgency gaining between the two of them. J. T.’s hands wandered all up and down James – through his hair, all along his back, and across his ass. James lifted up off of him and straddled him so that he could rub his hands up and down J. T.’s chest. J. T. put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes and enjoyed the attention. James pulled the bottom of J. T.’s shirt out from his jeans and ran his hand up across his stomach and chest. Wanting more, James pulled J. T.’s shirt out from his jeans and exposed as much of J. T.’s stomach and chest as possible. He leaned over and kissed, and licked, and bit his way up and down every bit of J. T. that was available. The thrill of exploration of a new landscape, learning the taste of another person, tracing the outline of muscles with his lips, judging the sensitivity of a man’s body, all gave James a rush and made him want more. James sat up, knees straddling J. T., and said, “You’ve seen the video. You know there’s more to it than just this little bit. If you’re still curious, I’ll be in my bedroom.” And without waiting for any kind of response from J. T., James got up and went to his bedroom to see what happened next. He didn’t have to wait long before J. T. followed him in there.

James rode in Brick’s truck in silence as he was taken back to his apartment after dinner. He wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he had wanted to get out of Cory. Maybe it didn’t matter at all what Cory’s reaction was, maybe what mattered was that it made Cory think a little bit, if not tonight, then sometime over the next few days. To James’ surprise, he started thinking about New York. And, for the first time in many, many months, he missed it a little. He missed New York. In New York, in his profession there, in the people he dealt with every day, in the neighborhood he lived in, he simply didn’t have to think at all about the kind of small-mindedness he had just experienced at the dinner table. It had been a long time since someone tried to make him feel bad for being gay, and it felt foreign to him. Even coming from a kid, it didn’t feel good. Brick broke the silence in his truck as they drove along by clearing his throat. He looked over at James, a pained smile on his face. “You have... you have no idea how hard it was for me to see you go through that tonight. How ashamed of myself it made me feel again,” admitted Brick. James smiled wearily. Really, everyone worrying about how this affected him was more tiring than anything.

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James said, “Oh, just forget about it. He’s just a kid and picked up some bad attitudes in school.” Brick slowly shook his head, but kept his eyes directly ahead on the road. “No, you don’t understand. I just can’t tell you how ashamed I am right now.” “Brick, just relax, ok? You’re freaking me out over here,” said James, teasingly. He pushed Brick’s shoulder playfully trying to get him to lighten up and made the truck swerve in the process. “Besides,” James continued, “the one I’d hate to be is Cory once Jerry gets his hands on him tonight.” That finally earned a laugh from Brick and he added, “Amen there!”

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Chapter 24

The next Saturday in February, James and Brick took Lindsey to a carnival that had set up in the corner of a shopping center parking lot. It was one of those with several rides including a Ferris Wheel and a low-budget ride-through haunted house, plus the usual games of skill, and a whopping plenty of places to buy food that could clog arteries from twenty paces. It had rained the day before all day, and Lindsey had been worried they might not be able to go, but the weather had turned out great. It was clear and cool and dry for them, with just a little bit of a winter breeze. James was happy to have Lindsey for the day so his mother could be at the hospital, but his mind was wandering somewhat due to a couple of things spinning around. Primarily, he hadn’t heard anything from J. T. since the night they watched the movie. He wanted J. T. to call back so they could have another date, a more regular one since they had pretty much broken the ice the last time. He knew better than to call J. T., at least not until one more time out with him. But thinking about what he and J. T. had done together had a downside. It refreshed his memory of Ian and the last time they were really together. Ian’s suicide note made it clear that he didn’t blame James, and James tried to keep that in mind, but he also knew that his actions carried a lot of the weight of what happened, no matter what anybody else said. Not surprisingly, James had shaken off Cory’s outburst at dinner earlier in the week. But oddly enough, it had awakened in him some fond memories of New York, and he was lingering over some of those memories. They walked along the midway, looking at all the people and all the things to do. The flashing lights and motion and music and noises all fascinated Lindsey. In all of her layers of clothes, she almost had to waddle between James and Brick. Brick asked, “Why did you dress her up this much? It’s not that cold out here!”

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James said a little peevishly, “It is cold and windy, and we’re going to be on these rides!” They had to do a little convincing to get Lindsey to go on the Ferris Wheel, even though it wasn’t a very big one. “C’mon, squirt! You’ll love it once you get on it!” said Brick. Lindsey just shook her head no. “Uncle Brick and I will be sitting on either side of you. You’ll be completely safe. Don’t you want to ride it? I’ll bet you can almost see our house from up there!” plied James. She looked up at James with big brown eyes and red cheeks from the cool air. “Our house? You think so? Really?” James realized he might be over-promising on that one. “Well, maybe. There’s only one way to find out for sure!” “And you’ll both be with me?” she asked, looking from James to Brick and back. “Both of us,” said Brick. “And you won’t let go?” “We promise to hold tight!” Brick assured her. “Ok, I’ll go,” said Lindsey, a little unsurely. They got up to the Ferris Wheel and the carny loaded them up in a car. As the car went up, Lindsey held tight to James’ and Brick’s hands, but she seemed to be having a good time. When they got to the top, the wheel stopped to load some additional people. Lindsey looked around in interest, “Cool! I can see forever from here!” James looked over at Brick, who had his eyes closed tightly. James said to him, trying to not attract Lindsey’s attention, “Hey, what’s up?” Brick kept his eyes closed and said, “Us! This thing feels r-i-c-k-e-t-y!” “C’mon, Zee’s more of a man than you! We’re fine!” teased James. Brick opened his eyes, which made Lindsey say, “Ow! Uncle Brick! You’re squeezing me!” Brick said, “Sorry, Zee!” and closed his eyes again. James let it go and Brick didn’t open his eyes the rest of the ride. After the Ferris Wheel, they passed a Frisbee toss where you could win stuffed animals if you got the Frisbee in the circle about fifteen feet away. Lindsey was fascinated by the stuffed panda bears that were the prizes. She asked, “Can you win one for me?”

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Brick pointed at James and said, “You’re the Frisbee shark, champ! Win the little lady a panda!” James paid the guy running the game, who looked like he had mugged a homeless person to steal his clothes. The carny said, “What’s your name, man?” “It’s James.” “Alright, James, win one for princess here! A stuffed panda for the princess! Three tries!” James tried once and missed bad. The Frisbee felt way off balance, which was probably how the game was rigged. The carny yelled, “Oh! So close! So close! Plenty of chances, though! Try again, James!” James tried again, and got closer but still missed. And a third time, which he missed by overshooting a little. The carny said, “Too bad! Want to try again for another three throws? You’re gettin’ good! You’re bound to win on the next three!” James didn’t want to waste his money on a rigged game, but Lindsey looked up at him like it would be the end of the world if she didn’t get the panda. He said, “Alright, gimme another three tosses,” and paid the man the money. James tried a different tactic this time, putting as much spin on the Frisbee as possible to try and get it to balance out some. It came closer than any of the other tries this time, but still wasn’t quite a winner. His second try landed on the board and was partly in the circle, but it had to be entirely in to win. Brick laughed and said, “It’s half in, can we get half the panda?” Lindsey yelled, “Uncle Brick! No! I don’t want half a panda!” “I’m just teasing, Zee, don’t worry,” said Brick as he pulled her back against his legs. He added, sarcastically “We don’t stand a chance of getting half a panda outta this guy!” On his final try, James was very careful with his aim and his spin, and it paid off. The Frisbee landed just barely inside the ring. James jumped up and yelled, “Alright! Finally!” Brick slapped him on the back laughing, and Lindsey was bouncing up and down in excitement and giggling! The carny bowed for James and said loudly, “And Jimmy wins a panda for little buttercup here!!” James bared his teeth at the guy and was about to say something, but Lindsey grabbed his hands and said, “Jimmy! Why did he call you Jimmy?”

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James glared at the carny, who was handing him the panda, and said, “He’s not anymore,” causing the carny to shrug at him indifferently. James handed the panda to Lindsey, who hugged it like it was her most prized possession ever. She said, “But your name is James. Why would he call you Jimmy?” James squatted down in front of her. “Jimmy’s just a nickname that people sometimes call guys named James. But nobody calls me Jimmy.” Lindsey looked at James, giggled, and said, “You look like a Jimmy!” “No, I don’t! How do you know what a Jimmy looks like, huh, Zee?” “I don’t know!” giggled Lindsey. Brick said, “She got you outsmarted on that one, James.” James pointed at himself and said, “James!” for Lindsey’s benefit. She giggled again and said, “Jimmy!” James gave up before it became too much of a game for her. He said, trying to change the subject “How about a funnel cake?” Brick rubbed his stomach and said, “Hey, man! Now you’re talkin’ my language!” They shared a funnel cake, with Brick stuffing away most of it. The next ride Lindsey saw that she wanted to try was the Tilt-A-Whirl. James looked concerned and asked Brick, “Do you think it’s safe after she had funnel cake?” “She only had a tiny bit. I bet she’ll be ok,” said Brick. But then he added, “But I’m skipping, or I’ll urp that thing up before it even gets going good.” “So naturally you’re happy to vote that she gets to ride it with me!” “Hey, what are big brothers for?” Brick and the panda sat out the ride, while James and Lindsey got up in the next available car on the Tilt-A-Whirl. They spun as the cars rode up and down hills in circles. Lindsey tried turning the wheel in the middle to get it to spin more, but James had to do it for her to get it to really spin. Lindsey had a blast, though, and got off the ride all red-faced from laughing and spinning. James was dizzy, and red-faced, too. He poked Brick in the chest and said, “You owe me, dude!” “Aww, phooey! You did great! I bet you could go again! Huh, Zee?” Lindsey’s eyes got big at the thought of riding again. “Can we, Jimmy? Can we go again?” James bit his tongue a little and said, “No, Zee, please. I’m dizzy enough right now. We’ll go again in a little bit, ok? Or maybe Uncle Brick can go with you next time!”

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They wandered around some more and Lindsey discovered a moon walk for the kids. It was a large, inflated room where children could take their shoes off and jump around and bounce up and down for a while. That one was a perfect choice as far as Brick and James were concerned. They helped her take her shoes off, and before she went in, they showed her the bench where they’d be sitting. Lindsey squealed and went dashing into the moon walk. As Brick and James sat down on the bench, Brick said, “You know, I think you’re going to have a losing battle if you fight the Jimmy thing with her.” James clenched his fists and said, “I know, I know! I could punch that asshole for getting her going on that!” They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, and James realized Brick seemed jittery. He kept rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, nervously, and looking around rapidly. Finally, Brick stammered out, “James, there’s something I need to talk to you about, you know. I, uh, probably should have done this a long time ago.” He laughed nervously. James didn’t say anything. He wondered if Brick was going to bring up the dinner with Cory again. Brick was obviously having trouble getting it out, though, and it was taking all the strength he had to say it. “So, it’s kinda weird for me to say this, but you need to hear it more than, uh, anyone else, and, uh...” James watched Brick expectantly. Brick finally stammered the words out, almost choking on them, “I’m g... I’m gay, too.” James looked down at the pavement and didn’t know what to feel. This wasn’t what he was expecting. He would have almost thought it was a joke, but he knew when Brick was joking around. “I’m gay, James,” repeated Brick, more surely this time. And while James felt like it made some sense, he started to feel a tornado of emotions, and he couldn’t separate one from the other. In the end, he just felt weird and had to leave it at that until he could sort them all out better. He had to admit, even with his finely tuned gaydar, he had not really expected Brick to say that. James crammed his hands in his jacket pockets and looked firmly down at his feet. Brick seemed to be waiting for some kind of response, any kind of response, from James. All James managed was to grunt a staccato “Hmm...” from behind the frown forming on his face.

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Brick heard the tone in James’ voice and turned white as a ghost. He spoke, but he was terrified and couldn’t get his voice above a whisper. “I, uh... I should have said something a long... shit!” Brick stopped and tried taking a deep breath, but it didn’t really help. Brick said to himself, “I waited too long.” And that was, in fact, exactly it. That was precisely the predominant emotion boiling up in James at that moment. Brick had sat on this since he had moved back to Lawder. It wasn’t a pleasant thought. Brick looked over at James and tried to explain. “I didn’t know when to bring it up. I couldn’t do it too soon, but I didn’t know how long to...” “You know what, Brick? Don’t,” interrupted James. “You can come out whenever you want. It’s your right to do it on your terms. But it seems a little hypocritical of you to expect me to open up to you while you’ve got things like that stuffed safely in your back pocket.” The emotions racing around and boiling in James started to solidify and come into focus, and it definitely didn’t feel good. A little bit felt good to find out Brick was gay, too. But part of it felt like Brick had left him hanging all this time to be the odd man out among all the straight people. It was the feeling he had when he was in New York and really started to see his friends up there for what they were. That was what he was feeling now. James wasn’t sure if he could take another round of that. Brick said under his breath, “Fuck!” He said to James, “I know! I’m sorry! Really! You’re right! I couldn’t do it when you first moved back. Trying to make things right with you would have seemed fake if I told you then. And it wasn’t. And then I waited, but then I didn’t know when the right time was. And it’s not easy for me. I can explain!” Brick watched James to see if he was getting through to him or not, but James’ eyes had not budged off of his own two feet. Brick actually started to stutter he was trying so hard to get the words out. “I w-wanted to, James. I was going to, but I was just a big chicken. Things just got more c-com-com-complicated after that.” Brick hung his head in defeat. James hadn’t really listened at all. He was too busy building a wall right then. A moment later James asked stoically, “So who knows, Brick?” James’ tone was a little different now, and Brick wasn’t sure how to interpret it. It wasn’t angry. Maybe just indifferent. Brick said quietly, “Just you.” “So you’re just now coming out?” Brick still couldn’t quite get the feeling that James really cared about the answer, but he knew better than to not reply. “No, and yes, I guess. I’ve known since...”

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And on those words, James cut him off. “Stop! Just... stop.” James really truly didn’t want to hear any more. His face was red from what he was feeling and didn’t want any more of any of this right now. James stared off and pulled his coat tighter around himself. It felt like it was getting colder outside than when they first got there. The winter sun was already starting to make its way down lower in the sky. He said to Brick, “So that’s great. You’ve had me pinned down as your pet queer for a few months now with your straight friends, and that was fun, but now you’re ready to fess up to the whole thing.” Brick bent over on the bench and squeezed his head in his hands. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, God no.” Brick held like that for a minute. He didn’t know what to say, and he could easily go too far and make things worse. He looked at James, a plea for understanding clear on Brick’s face. Finally, he said, “James, I swear I wasn’t doing this to make a joke of you, or make you a pet queer or whatever! I’ve had a hard time with this, and when I found out you were gay, I thought it would have come across as shallow to say ‘Oh my God! Me too! Forgive me for junior high and we’ll be best friends forever!’ You’ve turned into one of the best friends I’ve got and, after our past, I was scared to say it and risk messin’ up the friendship we’ve got. And I’m really getting the feelin’ that I’ve messed it up anyway. Did I, James? Is that what’s going on?” James frowned noncommittally and said, “I don’t know.” There was silence for a moment and Brick mumbled, “And they’re your friends, too.” Brick was about to say something else, but Lindsey came running up to the two of them in her socks. James said, distracted and weary, “Zee, where are your shoes? You’re racing around here in your socks!” Lindsey said, completely unconcerned about her lack of shoes, “I don’t know.” James grabbed her hand and stood up, “Well, Sock-Hop, let’s go find them.” They walked back over to the moon walk and grabbed Lindsey’s shoes from the cubby where they were stored and he helped her get them back on. “Ok, scooter, you ready to go home now?” asked James. “No,” replied Lindsey honestly. James picked her up and rested her on his hip while she grabbed onto his neck. “Well, that’s too bad because we’re leaving and we need to take the car with us. So unless you’ve got money for a taxi, you’ll just have to come too. Brick, are you ready to go?” Brick didn’t say anything in return, though. If Brick had been a dog, his head would have been hung low and his tail between his legs.

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In James’ car on the way back to the house, they rode in silence. Lindsey looked to James and then Brick, and back and forth several times like that. She said, “What’s the matter?” James was quiet, so Brick said, “What do you mean, Zee?” “You aren’t talking.” Brick said, “So?” “You two are ALWAYS talking!” James and Brick said simultaneously, “No, we aren’t,” which made Lindsey giggle, even as it seriously irritated James. At home, Bea had just gotten back from the hospital and was starting something for dinner in the kitchen. Brick came in just long enough to give Lindsey a hug and a kiss goodbye before he left, his thicker than usual biker beard tickling her. He didn’t speak to James and James didn’t speak to Brick as he left. Lindsey was very excited to tell Bea all about her day at the fair while she helped her out of her layers of clothing. She said, “We rode the Fairs Wheel, but Uncle Brick got scared on it. And look at the panda bear that Jimmy won for me by throwing lots of Frisbees! And there was a haunted house, but Jimmy wouldn’t let me go on that. And there was a ride that spun around and around with a wheel in the middle that made you spin faster, but I couldn’t do it so Jimmy did it for me. And I had some funny cake, but Uncle Brick ate most of it. And there was a huge room with a bouncy floor that you could run and fall in and it wouldn’t hurt at all!” Bea said, “Well my goodness! You’ve had quite a day! Will you take your clothes up to your room for me, sweetie, and then you can come tell me more about the carnival.” Bea handed her the clothes and asked her to go put them upstairs in her room, and Lindsey trotted off to go put them away. James had just sat down in a chair in the kitchen and was staring blankly. His mother looked at him for a moment. “What was that about?” she asked. “What was what about?” “That thing between you and Kevin.” “There was no thing. Brick just left.” “Exactly! You didn’t even speak to each other. Usually you two won’t stop talking.” “That’s not true. Why does everyone say that?” groused James. His mother gave him a stern look. “Nothing happened,” he said more emphatically.

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Bea looked around to make sure Lindsey wasn’t there and said, “That’s a bunch of B.S. and you know it. The sooner you go talk to him about your little spat, the better.” James rolled his eyes a little. “There’s no ‘little spat’, mom. We’re not in junior high anymore.” Bea pointed the wooden spoon at him to emphasize each word. “You need to talk to him.” James sat there and didn’t reply. His mother came over and sat down next to him at the table. She rubbed her hand up and down his forearm. “Honey, not talking about it is the worst thing you can do. And when did Lindsey start calling you Jimmy?” James huffed in aggravation. “Some asshole carny at the fair called me that and Zee decided she liked it. I can’t get her to stop.” James’ mom just looked at him with a smile and a twinkle in her eye, and gave him a hug. But James didn’t want a hug. He didn’t want anything. He wanted everyone and everything to just go the fuck away.

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Chapter 25

As if what happened with Brick wasn’t enough, James had to leave work early that week because he wound up with a cold that hit him hard. He tried to ride it out and finish some things up at the dealership, but the weakness, chills, and sore throat gained ground very rapidly. The sales manager there at the Ford dealership stuck his head in James’ office and told him he looked like roadkill. Normally, someone would have done that out of concern for James, but the sales manager was a jerk and probably just liked having a chance to tell James he looked like shit. After that, James decided to focus instead on the sales circulars for the dealerships and get those to the newspaper since they couldn’t wait. Then he sent a few emails to some of the assistants at the dealerships that could check on a few things for him the rest of the week if he couldn’t come back. Even walking out to his car in the dealership lot was a struggle, and James realized he was worse than he had thought while sitting down. He called his mother on the way home to let her know he had gotten sick and she said she’d check up on him later. She asked all about his symptoms and replied that there was a lot of that going around Lawder right then, so she wasn’t surprised to hear he had gotten it. She told him to get in bed and drink plenty of fluids and she’d see him later. As James started to pull into his apartment complex, he passed a couple of police cars heading out. He wondered what they had been doing there, and he wondered if J. T. had been in one of them. When he got to his apartment, there was still one more police car parked there with the door open and a cop inside writing out a report. James wondered if there was a chance it was J. T. He hadn’t heard from him since the night they had watched the movie and fooled around, and had wanted to hear from him, especially since what happened at the carnival. But now wouldn’t be the best time to see him given the state he was in.

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He dragged himself out of his car, and almost didn’t bother to walk near enough to the police cruiser to see who it was since he was feeling so bad, but he made himself get just near enough to see who was in it. The cop looked up and J. T. realized James was there and smiled at him. The smile didn’t cure James, but it did make a huge difference in his state of mind. J. T. hadn’t freaked out about their night together after all. J. T. got out of the cruiser and said, “I didn’t think you’d be home this early.” James sniffled and fought through the sore throat to say, “Yeah, I’m sick. Got a cold and feel like shit. Good to see you, though.” “Yeah, you do look bad. I’m sorry you’re not feeling good. I was going to call you probably tonight anyway. I wanted to see if you wanted to get together again this weekend. You can come over to my place if you want. It may be a little too soon, though, if you’re still not feeling good.” “Yeah. Want to, but may not be well. I’ll call.” “Don’t worry. I’ll call you Friday if I don’t hear from you sooner. But if you don’t feel good, we can get together during the week or next weekend if you want.” James just nodded his agreement. Then he asked, “Why you here?” His throat was killing him, so he was leaving out all but the most essential words. J. T. said, “Oh, yeah, it was a weird thing! Do you know your next door neighbor?” James said, concerned, “Stefanie? She ok?” “Yeah, Stefanie... she’s fine. We got a domestic disturbance call. One of the downstairs neighbors said it sounded like someone was getting the crap beat out of them and was worried. We showed up and it turned out, I’m not sure if you knew this or not, she and her boyfriend were having freaky kinky sex in there, but no one was hurting anyone. As standard procedure though, we ran a check on each of them, and it turns out her boyfriend was wanted for skipping out on a bond hearing in Kentucky. He fought hard once he realized we knew who he was, but we got him and we’ll slap some stamps on him and mail him to Kentucky so he can serve whatever time he’s got waiting on him. Probably a lot since he’s been on the run for so long.” James’ eyes got big. He managed to rasp, “You shittin’ me?!” J. T. laughed and said, “No. It’s all real. Your neighbor was clean, though, so it doesn’t look like she was in Kentucky with him.” James couldn’t believe he had just missed all that and said, “Wow! Can’t believe all that!” James pointed at his throat and smiled weakly at J. T. “Talk to you soon, J. T.” He waved at J. T. and took his leave so he could get up to his apartment. J. T. waved back at him and said, “Take care of yourself! Get better so we can watch another movie or something!” James could barely lift himself up the steps to his apartment, but hearing J. T. say “or something” was plenty of motivation for him to get well as soon as possible. Seeing J. T. was the one good thing that had happened to him over the last week.

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James got into his apartment, rummaged through his bathroom to find a throat lozenge, and then took off his clothes and got in bed. He slept fitfully for several hours, and eventually woke up to fading light in his bedroom. He had been having a dream where Ian was strapped in the interrogation chair, but he was wearing a police uniform, and the awful man was injecting a drug into his neck. He thought he had heard something, but didn’t immediately see anyone in his room. But just as he was about to fall back asleep, he felt a wet tongue lick his hand, which was hanging over the edge of his bed. James looked over and saw Kicker there wagging his tail and looking at James. Surely his mother hadn’t brought Kicker over there, had she? He turned slowly over in bed and saw Brick standing in his bedroom doorway. If it weren’t for how sick he was, he probably would have started yelling. But instead, a weak irritation was all he could manage through the cold. “How did you get in?” James tried to demand, causing a ripping fire through his throat and making him wince in pain. Brick said, “I know I’m probably not who you want to see right now, but your mom couldn’t come, so I offered to come by instead. She gave me the key to your place.” James rolled back over and said, “Ok. Not dead. Bye.” Brick walked into the room a few steps and said, “You’re not getting’ rid of me quite that easy. Your mom got one of the doctors at the hospital to call in a prescription for you, and I’ve got it. So you need to take that. And I got you some orange juice here, too. So sit up and start in on this. You look really bad, by the way. You ought to be glad to have this medicine. Can you sit up a little and swallow these pills?” James sat up some and took the pills and orange juice from Brick. He got the pills down and drank some more of the OJ, which felt good on his throat. He sank back down under the covers and tried to stop shivering. Brick said, “I also got you some ice cream. I thought it would make your throat feel better.” James shook his head and said, “Too fattening.” “Well, one of us is going to wind up eating it, and your abs can stand a little bit of extra fat, and I can’t,” said Brick, rubbing his stomach. James just lay in bed and didn’t reply. Brick asked, “Anything else you want?” James just waved weakly at him to go away. Brick said, “Ok, I’m gonna be in your living room for a little while. Yell if you... well, don’t yell. Knock on the table or something if you want anything.” Brick called Kicker and they left the room so James could sleep some more.

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James couldn’t fall asleep immediately, though. Having Brick in his apartment and having seen J. T. earlier got him wound up emotionally, which on top of the cold, made him a big mess. He spent a few minutes trying to fall asleep, but couldn’t manage it. He hadn’t spoken to Brick since the carnival, and usually they talked at least once a day. He couldn’t help shake the feeling that Brick had played him for a fool. Part of him didn’t want to think Brick would do that and missed Brick, but another part felt betrayed and reminded him he didn’t think his friends in New York would really do anything to hurt him, either. He sat up in his bed a little and took the dragonfly crystal block out of its wooden box and looked at it. Ian had been the only person, from beginning to end, that he never had any doubts about. He curled up in his bed in a fetal position, clutching the crystal up against his chest and eventually fell back into an ill sleep. The fitful dreams James had eventually woke him up once again, though. He wasn’t as cold feeling and realized that he had a blanket on him that wasn’t there before. He also remembered he had been clutching the crystal block when he fell asleep. He felt around him in the bed to see if he could locate it, but couldn’t find it. He sat up and turned on his beside lamp, to see if he could see it on the floor next to the bed, but didn’t see it there, either. He checked in the wooden box, and sure enough, it was safely tucked away there where it should be. James didn’t remember putting it up, but decided he easily could have done it while groggy. He sat up on the edge of his bed, and then stood up to go to the bathroom. On his way, he heard a faint sound in the living room, so he went to see what it was. Kicker was waiting on him smiling, and James didn’t even bother trying to stop him from pushing his nose into his crotch. James only had on boxers, and Kicker was almost able to get his nose entirely into his shorts. James reached down and scratched Kicker between his ears. The TV was on with the volume very low, and Brick was sacked out on the sofa with a blanket over him, an empty beer bottle on the coffee table. James didn’t want him to stay. He wanted to be left alone. If he was going to have an insistent nurse, why couldn’t it be J. T. instead of Brick? He had really started to become good friends with Brick, but Brick was just playing him for a fool the whole time, using James to test the waters. Why did he have to do that? James shuffled over to the edge of the sofa and sat down, almost on Brick’s feet. Brick jerked up like a bomb had gone off. Kicker licked him in the face before Brick pushed him away. Brick looked at the other end of the sofa and saw James sitting there. He rubbed his eyes and sat up a little more. “You’re up. Are you ok?” James said, “Just going to pee.” “Gotcha. Do you need any more orange juice or anything?” James shook his head and went back into the bathroom. When he finished, he came back into the living room and Brick was flipping through the channels. James walked through the living room and into the kitchen, ignoring Brick as much as possible.

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Brick said to him, “This TV totally rules, by the way! I love this thing! It took me a minute to figure it out, but, God-almighty, what a picture it’s got! Hey, can I get you anything from the kitchen?” James appeared back in the kitchen doorway with a spoon and the ice cream out of the freezer. He let a spoonful of the ice cream slide down his throat and the cold felt like heaven going down. He shook his head no and just looked at Brick. Brick had apparently trimmed the biker beard down to a mustache and sideburns in the last day or so. Probably the day after the carnival given how much stubble there was at this point. James said, “No reason for you to stay. Not dying!” It sounded like he was swallowing pine straw and talking at the same time. Brick said, “I don’t think you’ve looked in the mirror. I’ve seen Kicker cough up stuff that looks better than you.” James made a disgusted face at Brick. Brick fiddled idly with the TV remote for a moment and said shyly, “You know, uh, I can accept that I screwed up at the carnival. And handled everything about as bad as I could have. But I wish you’d let me explain at least a little bit.” James started shaking his head at Brick as soon as he brought the subject up. He had no intention of suddenly having to sit there and listen because of his sore throat. He turned back into the kitchen and put up the ice cream. When he came back into the living room, James said, “No. You need to go.” Brick frowned and his shoulders slumped. “I’ll shut up about it. You just, uh... you... fuck. Never mind. And I’ll be leaving before long, so you don’t have to worry there.” James went back into his bedroom and got back in bed. He hated feeling awkward in his own apartment. He wanted Brick gone and his space back so he could be sick in peace. He lay there stewing over it instead of falling asleep. He wanted to sleep, but felt like shit and felt betrayed and felt angry. It was one of the nights where there were thirty-six strips of light on the ceiling from the parking lot light below. Not thirty-seven or thirty-five. Thirty-six.

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Chapter 26

James saw Jerry wave at him from his barstool on the far side of the bar, and he headed over. It wasn’t like James could miss someone like Jerry. The place was pretty empty for a Tuesday at lunch-time, which made Jerry about as inconspicuous as a nine hundred pound gorilla in church. They had that side of the bar to themselves, along with almost the rest of the place. Jerry had asked James to meet him for lunch, but had picked a bar called Woodland’s that was supposed to be something of an outdoor sportsman’s bar. To James, it looked like a bar in a strip mall with the usual stuff on the walls and country music playing. It did have some fish on plaques on the walls, and a few antlers here and there, and it had a stuffed deer in one corner. One wall had a lot of pictures of regulars out on their adventures – deep sea fishing, deer hunting, one even of some guy descending a line into a cave. As James got over to where Jerry was, he put his cigar down in an ashtray and came towards James. James knew what was coming and actually stopped, then started to back away from him. He almost backed into a table behind him trying to get away from Jerry, whose arms were open at this point. Jerry said, “What are you doing? Come here, dumbass!” James got a table between him and Jerry and said, “No, you’ll try to squeeze me in two like you always do!” Jerry said, “When?” “All the time! Every time!” Jerry got around the table to where James was and gave him a bear hug anyway. James couldn’t really hug back he was so immobilized by Jerry’s thick arms. “Shit, Jerry, take it easy! I’ve been sick,” said James, trying to recover. Jerry said, “Ahh! Stop being a pussy! I was taking it easy!”

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Jerry must have been waiting a little while, or was thirsty, since his iced tea was already half gone. Jerry was in a pair of tight, very faded jeans, work boots, and a flannel shirt with a down vest over it. James was naturally expecting Jerry to be in his uniform, but he clearly wasn’t wearing it. They both sat down and James ordered an iced tea as well. Jerry teased, “Don’t go too wild with those, or I can’t let you drive.” “Hey, you’ve already downed half of one.” Jerry laughed and said, “Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?” James looked around the painfully empty bar and said, “Well, I don’t see anyone else here to take advantage of. Where’s your uniform, by the way?” Jerry pulled at his flannel shirt a little. “Oh, I’ve got a ton of paperwork to catch up on, so since I’m going to be locked up in my office all day I decided to dress casually. One of the perks of being the asshole in charge, ya know?” James nodded, “So how is it going? You haven’t gotten fired yet, I guess?” Jerry laughed again and slapped James on his shoulder and said, “Not yet, but I’m working on it. It’s going well. At least, there haven’t been any big meltdowns among the crew. I think a lot of people were worried that there was going to be a lot of upheaval when I took over, but those fears are all starting to settle down. McDonnell was a great chief and there’s not a huge reason to make drastic changes.” “So have you made any changes at all?” “A few here and there, I guess. Some are just procedural, like how we request time off and get each other to cover shifts. I’ve also shifted the force’s priority in terms of enforcement a little, probably putting a little less emphasis on petty drug stuff, if you can imagine that.” James rolled his eyes and laughed as he took a swig out of his iced tea glass. “How’s Carrie Anne liking her new role as the wife of the chief of police?” Jerry said through a smile, “Oh, she doesn’t give a shit about that! She still makes me take the garbage out when I get home.” “So how about you, Jerry? Has all this power gone to your head?” “I hope not. That might be a question you want to put to all the men and women on the force. They might have a totally different answer to that question than I would.” Jerry finished off his iced tea and the bartender came by with the pitcher to refill it. He puffed on his cigar again and said, “There’s a little more schmoozing involved, but I knew that would come. Cory and I went hunting last weekend with one of the City Council members and his son outside of Shellman. It was a good trip, but he started to put the pressure on me to step up traffic patrols in his neighborhood to slow people down and keep traffic calm. He wants to look good to the people in his neighborhood since he’s coming up for re-election this year. I worry about that kind of stuff. It’s a downward slide if you start in on it. I never really got a chance to talk to McDonnell

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about it, and he never warned me. I may have to call him for some advice on it. It’ll make him feel useful, too. He’s a good man. I miss having him around the stationhouse.” James nodded his understanding, “It must be harder facing the whole police department by yourself and lose a friend and mentor like that.” Jerry looked pensive for a moment while drinking some more of his tea. He looked sideways towards James and said, “Yeah, you don’t realize what someone means to you as a friend until they’re no longer there.” James wasn’t about to take the bait. Instead, he asked, “How’s Cory doing? Does he like to go hunting a lot? Did y’all get anything?” Jerry just looked at James a moment, his eyes fixed on James to let him know they weren’t done with the subject of Brick. But Jerry leaned back in his barstool and tapped his cigar in the ashtray. He replied, “Yeah, Cory loves hunting. We go pretty often, more often during the winter I guess, but I really only do it for him. I don’t like shooting anything I don’t have to. That’s kind of a leftover from my Ranger days. We wind up talking a lot while we’re hunting, so it gives me a good chance to really be heard by him. But lately, he’s more and more of the typical teenager and doesn’t have much interest in what I have to say.” “Maybe it’s not talking he needs... maybe it wouldn’t hurt for him to get butt-fucked a couple of times. That’ll teach him some respect for the gays.” Jerry laughed and said, “You know, there’s not many people in this town that would feel comfortable telling me to my face that my son should get corn-holed a couple of times.” James shrugged. “Somebody’s gotta say it.” He was holding back just the barest trace of a smile on his face. Jerry laughed loudly and smiled at James. Jerry was a really amazing guy. A total man’s man, but perfectly comfortable hugging another guy in public. Perfectly comfortable joking around in ways that would terrify most straight guys. Willing to talk about his feelings and, James assumed this was coming, willing to try and patch things up between two other friends. Jerry was a great example of how straight people could be stereotyped just as badly as gay people. He was such a good sport about everything and liked to laugh so much. James did realize that he had Brick to thank for being friends with Jerry – he never would have figured out what a great guy Jerry was on his own. Jerry made it easier to be in Lawder and not have really any gay friends around. Well, except for Brick. He kept forgetting that Brick was gay. That thought hit him and it made him realize that he hadn’t really totally written Brick off. But his guard with Brick was way up very high and it wouldn’t come down easily. He didn’t want a repeat of what he had already gone through in New York. “I’m not sure what you said to him the other night, by the way,” said Jerry, “but something definitely changed.”

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“Really? How?” James was wondering if maybe he had indeed had an impact on Cory. “Well, it’s weird. He’s scaled back on being a jerk to the other kids, but he seems jittery and withdrawn now. He’s nervous. It feels like he’s avoiding me and Carrie Anne a lot.” That seemed odd to James. He wouldn’t have expected what he said to make anyone jittery or withdrawn. “And did he call you yet to apologize for the other night?” James replied, “No, not yet.” And for a moment, when he saw the genuinely pissed look on Jerry’s face, he almost felt sorry for Cory. Jerry finally shifted in his seat and said, “Ok, stop stalling. We need to talk about the big fucking elephant in the room.” James just waited. He knew this was why Jerry had wanted to meet him for lunch. “Look, I’m no good at this kind of shit, other than being a police officer and listening is a huge part of the job. I actually considered just throwing both of you in a jail cell until you worked things out for yourselves. But this isn’t a sitcom.” James scoffed, “You got that right!” Jerry continued, ignoring James, “So the alternative is me talking to you, which is probably far worse than the jail cell. So I don’t know what’s pissed you off, but I hate seeing you two guys like this. I’m really close to Brick and he won’t talk about it. And I’ve gotten close to you too, and I hate seeing you like this. You and Brick are good friends. I don’t know what Brick did or said to piss you off like this, but I have a hard time imagining it was anything intentional. Brick’s got lots of people that he’s friendly with here in Lawder, but he’s gotten closer to you than just about anyone since you moved back. I can’t imagine him doing something intentional to fuck that up. Your friendship really means a lot to him. And me, too, you dumb fuck!” James heard the words, and on a certain level had to know they were true. But down inside was his fear of getting hurt again by friends. The feeling underlay everything and nothing could seem to supplant it. “It’s just hard to explain, Jerry,” he said. Jerry said, “You don’t have to explain it to me. I’d rather you talk to Brick about it.” Jerry took another swallow from his iced tea. “Whatever happened, he feels terrible about it. He’s hurting, James. And now he doesn’t know if he should stay away and let you work it out, or if he should be on you trying to talk about it. He feels like he can’t do anything right around you.” James sat there trying to understand everything and just got turned around in it. His mind and heart pulled him in a million directions and moved nowhere definite as a result.

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Jerry waited a moment to see if James had anything to say. Then he added, “You should know, by the way, that I’m not just talking about this because of Brick. You’re my friend, too. Probably the only consistently well-dressed friend I’ve got. But I can tell this hasn’t done you any good, either. I wish there was something I could do to help you trust him again.” Jerry paused again to put down his cigar. He looked around to make sure no one was nearby. “Besides, going over to Brick’s to smoke a little isn’t as fun without both of you.” James nodded to acknowledge what Jerry had said. The bartender came by and took their food order, which seemed to put a natural end to the heavy conversation. While they ate their lunch, Jerry pushed the conversation to much lighter topics, which James much appreciated. But after they had paid and were leaving, Jerry put his hand on James’ shoulder and said, “Just talk to him, James. Please.” James nodded but made no real commitment.

J. T. said to James, “James, I don’t want to talk about that. Don’t ask me questions like that!” James said, “But you’ve obviously enjoyed the sex we’ve had. Why can’t I just ask what you like and don’t like? It’ll help me understand where to go with you next and what to avoid.” J. T. turned pink. He said in hushed tones, like he expected there to be someone at James’ apartment door listening to them, “Look, it has been fun, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to talk about it.”

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James said, “It just seems a little dumb for you to keep pretending like you’re still a totally straight man just experimenting. This is, what, our fourth date, and it seems like even you should realize you’re past the experimentation phase.” J. T. seemed like he was ready to crawl out of his skin, “Whoa, whoa, we’re not dating. I’m not dating anyone right now. We’re just buddies hanging out. And yes, some stuff has happened, and it’s been fun. But don’t go making some big deal out of it.” Why couldn’t there just be one normal gay guy in Lawder? J. T. was still in a large state of denial, despite having sex with another man repeatedly. Brick had been more open about it, but only after he had left James dangling out there in front of everyone else. And Cory was bullying other kids trying to deflect attention from himself. Was Melvyn the most normal, functional gay person besides James in Lawder? James shuddered to think, but realized that Melvyn, whom he had occasionally hung out with, might actually be the most well-adjusted. But as far as J. T. went, James decided not to push it any farther. He said, “Ok, I’ll drop it. I’ve been so comfortable being gay for so long that I forget how hard it is for people trying to figure out if they’re gay, too, or if they’re just getting their rocks off.” James knew that line was a bunch of bullshit, but he needed to say it to get J. T. to calm down. J. T. said, relieved, “Good. Thanks.” James started clearing the plates from the simple dinner he had fixed for the two of them while J. T. went and put in the movie he had brought over and got comfortable on James’ sofa. James joined him a moment later. He knew the routine pretty well at this point. They’d start the movie with J. T. leaned back, his legs in James’ lap. After a little bit, James would start rubbing around on J. T. and soon after that, they’d forget all about the movie. They hadn’t gotten all the way through a single movie they had ostensibly watched together. James was a little stymied in that it was the same thing each time and that he couldn’t get J. T. to be enough of an adult to talk about it. But at the same time, it was true that some people just needed more time to adjust to what they were finding out about themselves. Trying to push it might just ruin it. And even if it wasn’t perfect, at least it was some kind of companionship. James had missed that sorely for a long time now, and J. T. certainly was a hot guy, right down to his Semper Fi tattoo at the base of his neck. He was looking for a little more than just a fuck-buddy, though, even if he wasn’t looking for Mr. Right to settle down with. Lawder wasn’t James’ final destination, but as long as he was here, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, talk to, and screw around with. J. T. would be perfect for that if he could just get him a little farther along with the hanging out part and talking part. J. T. seemed particularly scared of having other cops find out about what he was doing. James would normally feel that was a valid fear for most police departments, but with Jerry running the Lawder P. D., it seemed like a silly fear. Jerry would never tolerate

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any cops ragging another for being gay. J. T. just refused to see it that way, though. He just hadn’t had enough exposure to Jerry to really see how he was about gay people. James drank his beer, getting it down to the halfway mark while J. T. had already bottomed out the beer he was working on. James twirled his beer around, the brown bottle lit from behind by the movie playing on his TV. His mind really wasn’t on the movie at all tonight. He found himself thinking more and more about Brick. What Lindsey had said earlier that evening was right – it was more fun with Brick around. Brick had become James’ best friend, but after New York, that was enough to make James distrust his own sense of Brick’s friendship, and now everyone was paying a price. No one more so than Brick, though. He saw now how he had overreacted to Brick and had found a way to make his overreaction Brick’s fault. Truly, if there was one person in Lawder he could trust above all others, it would be Brick. The very person he had manufactured a completely artificial mistrust of. It was time he fixed that. James almost felt like sending J. T. home just so he could go see Brick to say he was sorry, but didn’t want to send the wrong signal to J. T., either. At this stage, J. T. probably wouldn’t handle that kind of rejection very well. Just as these thoughts were making their way through James’ head, J. T. reached down and started rubbing on James’ arm and looking directly at him. James knew what the look meant and what was going to happen next.

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Chapter 28

For a pleasant, early spring evening in mid-March, James had thought he needed to get out and do something outside, but instead he found himself shut up inside his apartment. Wondering. Wondering for the first time in a long time if he had made a mistake by not staying in the closet, just a little bit. Earlier that day, just as James knew she eventually would, Phyllis had come by his office at Natahatchee Ford to chat a little. James had immediately felt the urge to make any excuse to not stay there and talk to her, but he couldn’t quite manage to get away. He listened to her drone on about her daughter, thinking of the picture that Phyllis had shown him of her on one of her earlier visits. The daughter had horse-sized teeth, big, south Georgia hair and too much make-up and wore broadly floral-patterned blouses, apparently. And not only had she gone out in public like that, she had gone to a photo studio to have a photograph taken so her mother could pimp her out to whatever single man she ran across. James had been mildly tempted to let Phyllis know that her daughter would have made a good drag queen, but had held his tongue that day. She finally got to the point that James had been dreading for weeks. She suggested — just like it was a thought that had only now popped into her mind, despite clearly being something she’d been planning for who-knows-how-long — that James should come have dinner at her place one evening and meet her daughter. And wouldn’t it be great to meet her, and isn’t it such shame that two such nice people didn’t know each other yet. And she knew they’d hit it off and become fast friends. James wondered if Phyllis’ daughter was mortified at her mother doing this, or was she happy to have her picking men out for her. James would be horrified for his mother to pick out men for him. He halfway considered making up some excuse, but that would only delay all this and not end it. Plus, he did have his principles when it came to this stuff. He didn’t rub his homosexuality in people’s faces, but he didn’t lie about it, either.

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So he told Phyllis that he was sure her daughter was very nice and that he very much appreciated the invitation to dinner, but she probably ought to know that he was, in fact, gay. Phyllis’ face went blank and she looked at him stupidly like he had started speaking Turkish. She finally said, “What?” James repeated that he was gay. Phyllis looked confused and then asked, “Gay?” And then, searching for confirmation, “As in homosexual?” She said the word like she was going to catch something from it. James was happy to confirm it for her. “Yeah, you know... gay... as in queer,” he congenially replied. Phyllis didn’t say anything else and just turned and left his office. James knew whatever happened after that wasn’t likely to be good, but he wasn’t sure how much of an impact it would have. It could go from his co-workers at the dealerships shunning him, or making crude comments, all the way to just being fired. His boss, Jasper, was a Wednesday-night-church-goer, despite adding bullshit charges to customers’ car invoices if he could get away with it, and despite charging in warranty work to Ford that his mechanics never performed. In the end, it didn’t matter much to James. He really had not found anyone at the Natahatchee dealerships that he had developed any kind of friendly relationship with. He kept it strictly professional. The question was whether everyone else would be able to keep it that way or not. The rest of the day, he went about his job and refused to hide in his office after the encounter with Phyllis. His mind was wondering, but he didn’t let it stop him. He made it through the day without any further incident, but decided the change would come at some point. But that evening, despite wanting to not be cowed by what might happen as a result, he wound up wondering about it. Wondering how long it would take Phyllis to spread the word. Wondering how people there would react to it. Wondering how they’d look at him. Wondering how they’d treat him. Wondering who would have the most negative attitude, and who would, maybe, not care at all. Despite all the other bullshit, it certainly gave him a renewed appreciation for his job in New York at Channel:Adage, where it had been a complete and utter non-issue. James thought about calling J. T. just to have some sort of distraction, but James had found it very hard to engage J. T. in any kind of meaningful phone conversation. His cell phone started ringing on its own, so he wound up not needing J. T. When he answered, James was a little surprised to find out it was Cory on the other end. He wasn’t sure if Cory was going to call him again or not, and after a couple of weeks with no call, he had thought maybe Cory wasn’t going to contact him again. “Hey, Cory, how are you doing, big guy?” “Hi, James. I hope you don’t mind,” ventured Cory, shyly. “You said I could maybe call if I wanted to.”

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“I meant it, too.” “So, I had a question for you...” Cory sounded pretty calm and collected this time, unlike the last time they had talked on the phone. “Shoot!” “Is there anything I can do to make myself not be... this way?” James sighed. How was he supposed to answer that question? Cory clearly wanted a way out. “Well, Cory, remember how I told you last time to just give it some time and let your natural feelings sort themselves out?” “Yeah.” “Just keep that in mind,” explained James. “But if you decide over time that you really do think you are gay, there’s not any realistic way of changing it. Some people try to bury it deep inside and feel like if they act straight long enough, they’ll be straight. But usually those people wind up miserable for living a life that’s just not theirs.” “Oh.” Cory sounded profoundly disappointed in this. James tried to be positive. “But keep in mind that it’s not really a bad thing. It’s easy to focus on the fear that some people may not like you because of it. But you know what? Even if you’re straight, there’s going to be people in your life that don’t like you. It’s just the way things are. And the people that do like you and do care about you will mean that much more to you.” Cory thought about this a minute. “But what about the other things?” he asked. “What other things?” “You know... like how gay people can’t play sports. I don’t want to have to give up baseball!” James almost wanted to laugh, but caught himself. “Who told you gay people can’t play sports?” “A guy in my class said queers can’t play sports. Or go hunting. He said only real men do that stuff. But I like baseball, and don’t want to have to quit.” “Well, the guy in your class is a complete dumb-ass, Cory. Don’t listen to anything he says,” said James, which made Cory actually giggle a little. “Being gay has absolutely nothing to do with being able to play sports or not play sports. If you like baseball, then you should play baseball. What position do you play?” “I’m pretty good at pitching. My coach says I’ve got a good arm and I’m the only one on my team that can pitch a curveball! I wouldn’t mind giving up hunting, though. My dad makes me go with him sometimes, but I’ve never really liked it. I don’t really like killing things.” James thought about the ridiculous rumors junior high school students spread. “Well, playing sports or going hunting really have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

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There are plenty of gay guys that do those things. Just like there are plenty of straight guys who wind up being artists, or dancers, or... or hairdressers. Let me ask you something, Cory... do you think I fit the picture of what you think of a gay guy being like?” “Well, no, you don’t really. You dress and act like a normal guy. You don’t act like, you know, a girl,” admitted Cory. “There are plenty of gay guys that are masculine, tough-as-nails bad-asses, and there are straight guys that can appear a little more feminine. It’s easy to get caught up in those outward appearances, but they don’t really mean anything in the end.” James would have liked to point out that even Brick was gay, and thought that Cory probably would feel even better knowing that someone like Brick was the same as him. But of course, given what was going on between James and Brick right now, he wouldn’t feel right bringing it up. Cory asked, “So if I really like music, and like, maybe, wanted to play the piano, would people think I’m gay because of that?” “You’ve got nothing to worry about, Cory. If you like music and want to play the piano, then you should. I think your mom and dad would be proud of you for that, and no one’s going to think it’s gay.” James felt bad about how completely caught up Cory was in the shallow stereotypes of what gay people were like. But at least he had the opportunity to give Cory the truth. Cory said he needed to go, but thanked James for talking to him about everything. After he had hung up, James thought about how important it was for homosexuals to stick together and support each other. Maybe one day it wouldn’t make any difference, but until then, they needed to be there for each other. Which, of course, made him think about Brick.

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Chapter 29

James pulled into the parking lot at Brick’s apartment house in the car he had rented the day before. Brick’s truck was parked there, and James could see his motorcycle was there, too, under its blue tarp. The skies had darkened over the course of the Saturday afternoon, and James noticed on the drive over to Brick’s how the last patch of blue sky had finally disappeared behind the bruised, low-hanging sky. Even as he parked his car, the raindrops started spattering against his windshield. James’ feet crunched in the gravel from the parking area up to the house’s front steps, and before he even got to them, Kicker came running around from the far side of the house, tail wagging to greet James. Kicker gave James the obligatory sniff in his crotch while James leaned over to scrub up and down the dog’s sides affectionately. Kicker’s sides and back shivered from the giddy sensation. Together, they went up the steps and onto the front porch as the rain started to really come down. James looked down at Kicker, whose tongue was lolling out of his mouth happily as he looked up at James. He had even missed Kicker a lot. James checked around briefly to make sure no one was looking, and then he squatted down next to Kicker and put his arms around the dog’s neck so he could hug him tightly. Kicker wiggled around, trying to get to where he could lick James in the face. James had hit bottom the day before, or at least what he really hoped was bottom. He couldn’t take much more. His boss, Jasper Griffiths, had fired him the day before, saying he felt like he really didn’t need someone full time handling the marketing. It was, of course, complete bullshit. He had fired James because the word that James was gay had finally made its way around to him. Phyllis clearly had started spreading the word after he had told her on Wednesday that he was gay. By Thursday, people were definitely acting differently around James. In a way it was amusing. How completely immature were these people that they felt like he was suddenly going to sexually assault them, or start wearing dresses to work, or whatever other stereotypes they had in their mind. He’d been working there, with them, for over six months now. Did they really

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thing he was suddenly a different person? And finally, the day before, Jasper had clearly gotten wind of it and decided that James didn’t fit in there anymore. Oddly enough, though, getting fired wasn’t even what was driving him to go see Brick. He had already decided he needed to talk to Brick Wednesday night after his conversation with Cory. The betrayal he originally felt at Brick’s admission had turned into feeling wounded over time, and now it was feeling like just plain stubbornness on his part. He missed Brick’s friendship. And he hoped Brick missed his as well. When he got up to Brick’s door, James could hear music playing in the apartment. He knocked and waited, but there was no noise inside other than the music. He looked down at Kicker and said, “Where’s Brick?” Kicker’s ears perked up and he looked at James curiously. James waited a moment. The first thought that went through his head was that Brick had seen him drive up and didn’t want to answer the door. His nerves started to fail him. Maybe Brick didn’t care if James was there to say he was sorry. Maybe what James was doing was too little, too late. Kicker made a grunting noise and sat down on his haunches, his gaze still locked onto James. But then a very unwelcome memory worked its way up into James’ consciousness. In his mind, he saw himself knocking on the penthouse suite door at the Soho Grand. He had expected Ian to open the door, violently yank him into the room, and throw him on the bed laughing as had become one of their little stupid private routines. But that morning, there was no answer. James knocked again on the hotel door and still no answer. His heart rate jumped up and he pulled out the spare hotel room key Ian had given him when he moved into the penthouse suite. He looked down at the doorknob to Brick’s apartment as he remembered putting the key into Ian’s hotel and turning the handle to his door. James’ heart rate was through the roof at this point, and he was breathing heavily, and losing confidence in his ability to touch the knob. Part of him said to run away, that he couldn’t take a chance on what was on the other side of the door. Part of him said he needed to at least try again. James forced his hand out and tried the doorknob to Brick’s apartment. It turned in his hand and the door to the apartment swung open. Kicker went trotting right on inside like he owned the place. James stepped in and didn’t see anyone inside in the den, but Brick’s well worn cowboy hat was on the table. All he heard was the music playing. He listened to the song and the lyrics, and realized that this song felt like Brick. If everything that was familiar to him about Brick were put to a tune, he was listening to it right then. It was a song that sang of the purpose of life, of why people landed in each other’s lives, how small things could mean so much. Of how small a person’s life is, but how it can be the most important thing in the world to someone else. It was a good song, but it made James feel clammy, lost in his thoughts about Ian. The fear that maybe he

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was about to... He tried his best to push that thought out of his mind. He had no reason to think that way, but it had just settled on him. As James started bracing his nerves to go peek in Brick’s bedroom, he happened to glance out Brick’s back window and saw him sitting in a chair on the back porch, a beer bottle in his hand, staring off into the rain. The relief washed over James and made him realize he had been on the verge of hyperventilating. He stood still, listening to the song and letting himself calm down. James opened the back door, Kicker pushing past him to go back outside, and stepped out onto the worn back porch. Brick looked over at him briefly, then turned his attention back out to the rain pouring off the tin roof of the porch. He was wearing a dirty thermal underwear top and navy blue sweatpants, and his beard looked rough. James had seen Brick with a full beard before, but this time it looked really unkempt. James said gently, “Hey, Brick. Do you mind if I sit down?” Brick gave a brief, flat glance at the empty chair next to him and said, “Nah, go ahead, have a seat.” James sat down and looked out at the rain, which had brought in slightly chillier air. James wondered how to best say what he needed to say. He wasn’t losing his nerve at this point, and he was sincere. But something in the way Brick was sitting there made him wonder if it would be worth anything to him at this point. James said: It’s kind of sad how people can be Blaming others for their own life luckless Ignoring their own responsibility In their lives being lived mis’rably Pointing at others, when in fact, they are the great big... James paused, not saying the last word. He looked at Brick, who now had a trace of a broken smile on his face. Brick whispered, “I think you need to say the last word.” So James laughed and said, “Fuckface.” Brick nodded, but the smile faded from his face. “Pretty impressive,” he said. “You managed to almost rhyme something to fuckface.” “Yeah, I know. Not my best effort, I guess,” said James, ruefully, making a hint of a smile return to Brick’s face. James said, “Brick, I see now the reason I reacted the way I did. It doesn’t excuse it, but at least now I understand it. I’m sorry I treated you the way I did. You deserve better than that, and I let you down.” Brick said, but with a same puzzling flatness, “Don’t worry about it. It’s ok. I needed the dose of reality, so it’s best it happened. It’s good to hear you say it wasn’t me in the end. I kind of tore myself up about it for a while, and it took a while to accept that maybe it wasn’t me after all. I’m glad Jerry was able to talk some sense into you.”

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“That’s funny,” replied James. “Jerry did talk to me, even threatened to throw both of us into a jail cell until we worked it out. But he wasn’t the one that made me see my mistake. It was Roddy, actually, who did that.” Brick chuckled and said, “Of course it would wind up being that knucklehead to open your eyes.” Brick looked out into the woods behind the house, the rain coming down even harder. He said, “James, I’ve spent a lot of time in my life realizing what a jerk I could be. And I think I’ve done a good job of getting rid of that part of me. But I guess a side effect of that is that it hurts much more to realize that someone else suddenly hates you for no good reason you can think of. I need to know that you’re not going to do that to me again.” James sighed and felt tired. Not because of Brick, but because of himself. He couldn’t seem to stop from making dumb mistakes with the people in his life. “I’m not going to be that stupid again,” he said. “And if by some incredible chance I am, then I never really did deserve you as a friend in the first place.” Brick just nodded and downed some more of his beer. James pretended to watch the rain come down, but he was actually watching Brick. He could tell his friend was still affected by what had happened. How could he have suspected any kind of bad intentions from Brick? It seemed so patently ridiculous now. He could still see the hurt in Brick’s kind eyes, lingering behind like fingerprints on a clean window. He thought back to when he first returned to Lawder. He had looked at Brick and noticed his rough, blockish face with the dull, stupid eyes — the face of a dumb brute that had focused on hurting other people in childish ways to boost his own ego. But he saw Brick very differently now. It was a gentle face with kind eyes, the kind of face that couldn’t hold malice towards anyone. The shame of what he had put Brick through burned into James. Was his perception of people so completely affected by his own biases? How could you trust your own eyes? The one you had to suspect of betrayal the most was always yourself. James asked, “Are you ok?” Brick said, “Yeah.” “Do you mind if I grab a beer and stay here with you?” “Sure, go grab another one for me, too.” James went back inside and grabbed a couple more beers for the two of them. The storm had turned into a soft, steady rain as far as they could see out over the trees. James took a few sips from his beer. It was an odd feeling to know that the person sitting next to him was gay. Even now, gay seemed like an artificial label when applied to Brick. Hell, if Brick was going to be gay, then Jerry and Roddy might as well both admit to being gay, too, for how well it applied to any of them. Strangely, when James thought of J. T., the gay image had already started to fit, despite J. T.’s attempts to fight it. It wasn’t just because he was having sex with J. T. that James saw him as gay, it was certain mannerisms and attitudes that were starting to surface the more time he spent around J. T. But even specifically looking for them, Brick had only a tiny fraction of

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those clues that James was seeing in J. T. In the end it didn’t matter; James now wanted to understand. He wanted to understand why Brick felt like he couldn’t trust the people in his life, ones that he had to know would have been completely accepting of it. He wanted to understand why Brick hadn’t told him, if no one else. “So why did you wait to tell Jerry and Roddy and everyone else? If you’re comfortable with it, and Jerry and Roddy and others are, why not put it out there? Why didn’t you tell me?” James asked gently. Brick considered the question before answering. “Well, I’m not really all that comfortable.” He paused. “I mean, I know I’m gay. I get that. And I know everyone I care about really wouldn’t be bothered by it, especially you, of course. But, I guess... I just have trouble... opening up about it. It’s not them, or you, or anybody... it’s me.” “I don’t understand,” said James. Brick grimaced a little and he stared off into the trees in back of his apartment. “I’ve never actually had, uh, a physical relationship, with a man.” James tried to understand what Brick was saying and all kinds of questions were popping into his head. But he forced himself to stay silent and give Brick a chance to explain in his own way. “After marrying Jenny, I was still pretty much the same dickhead I was to you in junior high. The same dickhead I was in high school before dropping out, the same dickhead I was even to Jenny. And maybe deep down I was that way because I felt inferior and it was the only way to feel any better about myself. Anyway, one day I had run out to an auto salvage place outside of Albany for a catalytic converter or something like that. For some reason, the guy that was working there fascinated me. I kept staring at him and I finally realized I thought he was attractive. And then found myself wondering what it would be like to touch him, to hold him, to... you know... kiss him, even. I couldn’t understand where these feelings and fantasies were coming from, and yet they didn’t feel unfamiliar. It was the first time I had ever consciously had some kind of thought like that. But it was weird, since it didn’t feel totally new, either.” Brick scratched at his beard. “He must have noticed me checking him out, because he started checking me out, too. I didn’t know what to do. He finally just asked me if I liked to have a ‘good time’. I said sure, and I realized I really wanted to. He nodded and we went through the back of his office building, and he led me back outside. I didn’t know what had come over me, but I wanted it really bad. When we got outside...” Brick stopped briefly and drank from his beer. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably and he still wasn’t looking at James. “When we got outside...” Brick repeated, his voice barely audible over the rain, “he proceeded to... to... uh, well, he beat the living daylights out of me. He kicked me all the way back out to the front of his office and told me to get my faggot ass out of there and never come back.” Brick still had not looked at James and was gripping his knees tightly. James was horrified. He said, “Brick, that’s...” Brick held up his hand to cut James off, though. “No, I really kind of deserved it.” He paused and James was about to argue with him, but Brick added, “Not, not really, not for

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what I was trying to do with him, but for how I had treated too many other people, including you. I needed a taste of my own medicine.” “I wound up with a broken rib, and two black eyes, a split open lip, and a fucked up kneecap. And you’d think that I would have understood at that point. Understood what I had put other people through, but I didn’t. When I got home, I told Jenny I had gotten into a bar brawl with some guy passing through town that had made a pass at me. It was just like something I’d do, and Jenny didn’t even question it.” Brick stopped and smiled grimly. “How fucked up is that? I was still trying to make everyone else the queer, and still trying to bash them for it. Even after what I had literally just been through.” “But over the next couple of weeks, I stayed home from work because of my rib and kneecap. And all I could think about was that guy. I still fantasized about him touching me. Having him pull me to him and kiss me. Having him look at me like I was the world to him. That was what got to me in the end. It wasn’t just a physical thing. I wanted to mean something to that guy. I wanted to be special to him. I got it at that point. I was everything I hated, and I hated myself. And, I finally understood why Jenny never meant that much to me. Why I never seemed to have the deep connection to her I was supposed to. Why she never meant the world to me like I wanted to mean to that guy. And I realized I would either wind up miserable continuing the way things were. Or I could finally really stand up and make a change. So I did.” Brick paused again and finally looked over at James to see his reaction. James shook his head slowly, “Brick, I had no idea. I’m so sorry...” “Well, don’t feel too bad,” said Brick with a grim smile. “It changed my life. And it may have been hard, and it may have hurt like hell, and it may still hurt sometimes, but at least now I can feel like I’m a decent human being, and I can truly understand how much of an asshole I was before. I finally became myself.” “But there is one unfortunate side effect of what happened to me. I haven’t really been able to have sex with a man. I tried a couple of times. I went up to Atlanta one weekend and went out to a gay bar there, but I couldn’t do it, despite the few guys that showed an interest in me. The image of that guy beating the shit out of me kept haunting me and I just couldn’t. I was unsure and just didn’t feel safe. I’ve had a couple of one night stands with women since then simply because I was horny and could handle that, but haven’t felt safe trying to do what I really wanted. So I eventually just accepted it and let go of the need.” “And now there just didn’t seem to be much point in telling people I was gay if I was going to have problems ever really acting on it. And that’s why I didn’t say anything to you. Well, that, and because I couldn’t find that time when it felt right. When it wouldn’t come across as being... I don’t know, fake, I guess.” James reached over and put his hand on Brick’s shoulder. “Brick, I feel terrible. If I had known you had gone through that...”

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But Brick laughed a little and cut James off. He shook his head and replied, “Nah, don’t feel like that. It wasn’t the first time in my life I had gotten my ass handed to me, and it’s not like I freak out every time a guy looks at me.” James really admired Brick’s attitude about the whole thing. Brick must truly be a much stronger person than he ever realized. “I guess, for most people, you’re supposed to be a ghost after you’ve been alive. But I look back, and I think I was something of a ghost until then, just a shadow, and now I’m alive. Not everything in my life is perfect, but whose is? I’m very glad I didn’t go through the rest of my life as that ghost.” Brick sipped his beer and chuckled again. “I think if I were to meet that guy again tomorrow, I’d thank him. I’d thank him for the change he started in me. For making me see myself for the first time, for seeing myself as the shadow I was. And then he’d probably pound me into the ground again.” The rain had slowly stopped over the last few minutes, and all that was left was the darkened sky and the drops of water running off of the roof of Brick’s apartment. James asked, “But don’t you want to meet someone? Don’t you want to have that opportunity?” Brick shrugged and said, “Yeah. The bar trips weren’t a great approach for me. And I know it’s pretty much impossible to meet a guy down here, that’s gay, that’s available, and that I have chemistry with. But at the same time, I have a little faith that if it’s right, it’ll happen.” James said, “I guess you’re right. I can vouch that it’s not completely dry desert down here in terms of gay guys.” Brick looked over at James, curiosity in his eyes. “Well,” started James. In a way, he didn’t want to rub it in Brick’s face, but he wanted Brick to know that being out might help him find someone. “I’ve actually even managed to run across a guy and start dating him. I’m kind of surprised my mother hasn’t mentioned it to you.” Brick’s brow furrowed and his mouth slowly opened, but no words came out. He started to wring his hands a little and then he looked down at the ground for a second. Brick gave a little embarrassed laugh and finally said, “No, you’re mom never said anything. I should have realized you’d meet someone sooner or later. I should have. It certainly didn’t take you much time. Who is it?” James’ face flushed a little red. “I don’t think you know him, but I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone we were dating. He’s just figuring out he’s gay and is struggling with it. I have to let him open up about it at his pace. You do understand that this has nothing to do with me trusting you. It’s just that I promised him I wouldn’t talk about it.” Brick got a tight expression on his face and he nodded to show he understood. James added through a smile, “It’s driving my mother crazy. It bothers her that I won’t tell her who it is or bring him by to meet her. I swear, now that I live here, she treats me like I’m in high school again.”

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Brick smiled, too, and nodded, seeing Bea in his mind all bent out of shape about James’ love life. Brick and James sat there in silence for a minute. James noticed that Brick had an odd expression on his face. Finally Brick stood up and faced James. His hands fidgeted a little and he said, uncomfortably, “Uhh, I think, you know, if you’re ok with it... I think we could both stand a hug. I know I could maybe use one after the last few weeks.” Brick was clearly nervous about how the request would come across. For James, it was a welcome one. It would make him feel much better, and he could tell it would make Brick feel better, too. Brick had been hurting the last few weeks, and James now understood so clearly now how much so. James stood up and said, “I would love a hug right now!” James went to Brick and embraced him tightly. He had hugged Jerry many times, or, rather, been hugged by Jerry many times. It was kind of a one-sided thing with Jerry. Brick was very different, though. The hug was as comfortable as a favorite pair of Sunday-afternoon sweatpants and they let it linger. James put his hand up on Brick’s neck and James could feel Brick holding onto him for what felt like dear life. When he stood back, James bit at his lip in anticipation of what he was about to do. “Hey, Brick?” “Yeah?” “I need to ask a favor,” said James, nervously. Brick’s brow knitted. “Yeah?” James sighed, “I got fired yesterday from Natahatchee Ford. Can I come work for you at Montgomery Landscaping?” Brick’s eyes got real big and he exclaimed, “What?!” James nodded sadly, “Yeah, too many good ol’ boys and bible thumpers there. Once they found out a queer had found his way in, Jasper had to fix that real quick. Only, you know, it wasn’t because I was gay. He said he didn’t need a full time marketing person any more, but it’s funny how two days before I had told the first person there that I was gay.” Brick was still obviously in shock. Then he got a confused look on his face. He even laughed. “Wait. Why are you asking me for a job? Your mom owns the fucking company!” James deflated in front of Brick. He said, “Ugh. I’d much rather ask you for a job than her. I’ll get all kinds of told-you-so’s and lectures from her. She’ll never let me live it down.” Brick grinned, and then laughed. Then he punched James in the shoulder. “I bet! I guess if I were a real asshole, I’d make you go ask her instead!” He gave James a malicious grin. “But sure, I guess we can make room for one more!”

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Then he added, an even more evil grin spreading on his face, “But... you’ll actually have to report to Roddy.” James rolled his eyes. He quipped, “Fine. Whatever. Just make sure he knows I have no problem whatsoever with sexual harassment in the workplace.” James felt like he was back to normal with Brick. It felt really good, aside from what he had learned about Brick and how he had come to terms with his own homosexuality. Brick said, “Hey man, I don’t know about you, but I need to get fucked-up and kite- high right now. Do you want to call Jerry to see if he wants to swing by? We can light up and maybe go get some food later.” James smiled and couldn’t think of any place he’d rather be. “That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a long time!”

James knocked on J. T.’s apartment door, in something of a nervous expectation of what he would find. J. T. tended to play into the macho, ex-Marine role, so he wasn’t expecting much in the way of a home for him. When he answered the door, James was a little taken aback by the fact that J. T. still had his police uniform on. After what had happened on their last date, it made James a little uneasy to see him in the uniform. J. T. told him to come on inside and James walked in the door. He said to him, “You’ve still got your uniform on.” J. T. pulled James to him and gave him a quick kiss. “Yeah, got home a little late and haven’t been able to change yet. I tried to clean up the apartment a little for you, though.” J. T. lived in a small, older apartment complex and had a small townhouse style unit. James looked around and finally got to see how J. T. lived first-hand. He’d seen worse, and it didn’t give him a headache the way Stefanie’s apartment did. The best way James could describe it was that it was one step above how most college students would live. The carpet, which was probably light beige at one point, was now a dingy, textured gray. It was too far gone for shampooing. Torching it and putting the carpet out of its misery was the only humane thing to do. The couch was a dark blue and light yellow striped thing. James could easily see J. T.’s perfect butt print in the end where the end table and TV remote were. The two end tables were something covered with navy blue pieces of fabric, probably plastic milk crates. On top of the end tables were simple, blocky lamps, but they were surrounded by... stuff. There were photos, a ceramic figurine of the Marines logo, a small teddy bear with a heart on its chest, a clock, a gun, a box of tissues, and a host of other random things. The TV was a decent size, but obviously about ten years old or so and was sitting on a cheap, laminated particle board TV stand with a no-brand stereo and DVD player on the shelf. Sprinkled around it were a bunch of random DVDs. The walls of the living room were covered in the popcorn textured stuff you usually see on ceilings, but the ceiling itself was smooth. James couldn’t figure out the logic behind that to save his life. Over in a corner was a weight machine with some clothing hanging off of it, and a few dumbbells littered around its base.

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And to top it off, the place had a slightly musty smell to it that reminded James too much of stale fast food. He looked back over at J. T. “Look, I know what you’re thinking,” said J. T. “Don’t worry about the uniform — I’m not going to do a repeat of that. I don’t think you were a very good sport, but I respect your wish not to be treated that way. Gimme a second and I’ll go change out of this.” He said to James, “Hey, can you go ahead and fix the plates, and I’ll change into something a little less fun.” “J. T.!” exclaimed James, indignantly. James normally had a good sense of humor about almost anything, but that comment was actually stretching it. “Just kidding! Just kidding!” J. T. said impatiently and headed up the stairs to his bedroom to change clothes. James wondered if he really was kidding or not. All the times James and J. T. had engaged in sex, James had been the one doing most of the work. J. T. had been pretty passive about it, something James was willing to write off as the typical newbie response. But on their last date, J. T. had decided he wanted to put his police uniform back on. James had thought it might be kind of sexy, and let him. But as soon as J. T. got the uniform on, he took on something of an aggressive, authoritarian, nasty attitude. James tried to play along a little bit, for J. T.’s sake. But he started calling James nasty names, like ‘cocksucker’ and ‘filthy faggot’ in addition to being a little more active in the physical behavior. But what should have been lightweight role-play took on too much of a dark tone for James. After a little bit, James couldn’t stand the ongoing humiliating treatment any more. J. T. accused James of not being any fun, but James thought it had all gone too far. The evening didn’t end on a great note as a result of the argument. But on the plus side, J. T. had loosened up a little in terms of physical contact, and was willing to kiss and touch now, even if it didn’t immediately lead to sex. James walked into the living room and looked at the picture on the wall of J. T. at attention in his full-dress uniform. J. T. hardly looked any different than he did in the picture, save for a few extra years of age. There was also a more casual picture of J. T. with several of his buddies from the Marines out in a field. They had fatigue pants on, but no shirts. The image pretty much dripped testosterone. He walked over and looked at some of the things on the end tables next to the couch. The gun was very disturbing to James and actually worried him some. Why would J. T. have a revolver sitting out in plain sight like that? Next to a civil war soldier figurine, there was a white porcelain frame with the word ‘Memories’ along the bottom. In it was a picture of J. T. and some slightly-overweight blond girl with rather large hair and too much eye shadow. They had their arms around each other, and James had to assume this was J. T.’s ex-girlfriend. James wandered back into the kitchen, which was pretty darn clean. James got the feeling, though, that the cleanliness there was mostly due to a lack of real use. The trash can next to the counter did have lots of beer bottles in it, but not much else. He dug around in some of the drawers until he found some actual silverware and served up the Chinese food on plates. James was hungry and the Chinese food did look pretty good.

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James could hear some music start playing out in the living room, and J. T. strode back into his kitchen and over to the refrigerator to get a couple of beers. He had changed into a pair of gray sweatpants and a tight, black t-shirt with a roaring lion and Lawder Lions written across the front. “How ‘bout this? Is this better? It’s definitely more comfortable than the uniform.” James put his hand on J. T.’s chest and said, “Much better. You know how to wear tight t-shirts better than anybody I know!” J. T. took James’ hand and rubbed it around on his chest and stomach. A lecherous grin spread across his face and he said, “Yeah, you do like that, don’t you?” He reached around James and grabbed his ass and kissed him. “That’s what I thought!” They settled in on the sofa to have dinner. James wasn’t really much into country music, which is what J. T. had started playing, but as far as country music went, it wasn’t too bad, so he put up with it. James asked, “Should I be concerned about the gun right next to you on the table there?” J. T. had a mouthful of lo-mein noodles in his mouth, which hung open as he gave James a confused look. He started chewing again and looked over at the end table next to him and saw the gun there. He put his plate down and picked up the gun casually. He said, through a full mouth, “Oh, this thing?” He laughed and pointed it at the far wall with both hands and pulled the trigger. James jumped when he saw J. T. pulling the trigger, but all that happened was a small flame came out of the end of the barrel and J. T. exclaimed, “I’m gonna pop a cap in yo’ gas grill, mo fo!” James felt like an idiot for thinking it was a real gun. J. T. said, “It was a gag gift from a friend last year. Come to think of it, I guess most people would think I was an unstable cop if I’ve got a gun sitting out next to the couch! I don’t know where he got it, but it is pretty damn realistic looking.” J. T. took another big bite of his food and said while chewing, “You didn’t really think I’d leave a loaded gun just sitting around in my den, do you?” James tried to laugh it off, “No, not really. But you’re right, it’s very convincing.” But he had wondered about J. T. leaving a gun out in the open in his apartment, despite that claim otherwise. J. T. looked at James while swallowing, and then put his plate down again. He put his hand on James’ back and said, “Look, I know I got carried away last time, but I swear I didn’t mean anything that way. I’m not some kind of freak on the edge or anything like that. I know it’s taken me a little time to get used to being gay, and a lifetime of living straight doesn’t just go away instantly. I’m still dealing with it some, as you can tell. You’ve been really great and patient with me, and I appreciate it.” J. T. moved his other hand to James’ leg and rubbed up and down on it. James wanted to believe J. T., and he did feel like maybe he had overreacted to the whole thing. He nodded and said, “I know. Don’t worry about it. After we had argued

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about going out somewhere versus staying in, I just wasn’t sure if there was something more to the names you were calling me or not.” He drank some of his beer and ventured, “So if you’re getting more comfortable, maybe you’d be willing to meet my mother?” James could instantly see J. T.’s demeanor darken slightly. J. T. said, “Well, I don’t know if I’m ready for all that yet. I guess there’s things that I’ve done that have scared you and there’s things like this that you do that scare me.” James immediately backed off. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not that I’m committing you to a relationship. That’s not why I want you to meet her. I don’t really care if you meet her at all. She just treats me like a high school kid now that I’m back living in town and she wants to meet the person I’m seeing. She’s hounding me about it and I’m trying to get her off my back. I wish I hadn’t told her I was seeing anyone at all.” “You didn’t tell her my name, or anything, did you?” asked J. T., suspiciously. “No, no, no. Don’t worry about that. I haven’t told anyone about you at all, even Brick. He was curious, but he’s not pushy like my mother.” J. T. picked up his plate to continue eating. James pointed at the picture on the table next to J. T. with his chopstick and asked, “Is that you and your girlfriend there in that picture?” “Yeah, that’s Phoebe. Just been too lazy to take that down since we broke up. You know, I think I broke up with her because deep down inside, I knew we were going to wind up together. My mind had been spinning like a top since that first time I found the DVD and knew you were gay. I just hadn’t really ever been around someone that I could maybe talk to about it or try it out,” confessed J. T. James thought that Phoebe was a little fat for someone as good-looking as J. T. He pointed over at the picture on the wall with all the shirtless Marines in it. “How about your Marine buddies there. Are you going to tell me you never had sex with any of them? There are some pretty good looking guys there.” J. T. laughed and said, “I never even thought about it then. No sex, no hard-ons in the shower, no beating off late at night while thinking about them, nothing.” “Were any of them gay, that you knew of?” “None that I knew of. Bennett, the second from the right in the picture, always seemed a little gay, but nobody felt strongly enough about it for it to become an issue. He might have been. Looking at that bunch of losers, I’d have to say that Culpepper, the one kneeling in front, is the one I’d most like to fool around with now. He was a mean son-of-a-bitch, though. He could make it through an obstacle course in half the time it took everyone else, and then he’d get mad at the rest of us for dragging him down. He’s still in the Corps. A damn good Marine.” “Would it have become an issue with Bennett if you all thought strongly that he was gay?” asked James. “I’m not sure. We all liked him. He was a funny guy. Culpepper would have probably made an issue of it more than anybody else.”

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“What would you have done if Bennett said he wanted to blow you in the shower one day?” J. T. turned a little red, then tried to laugh. “Honestly, at the time, I probably would have beat the crap out of him. But I probably wouldn’t have said anything to anyone else about it.” They finished up dinner and came back into the living room just as a slower country music song was coming on. J. T. said, “Aww, I love this song! Come here!” James looked at him a little suspiciously, “Why?” J. T. smiled and motioned to him to come closer. “Just come here, dumbass!” James came up to him and J. T. wrapped his arms around him and started to sway a little bit. “I want to dance with you to this song. You like to dance, right?” James didn’t expect this from J. T. at all, and it made up for a lot of the small, uncomfortable things that had happened since they had started seeing each other. James felt suspended in air, J. T.’s cheek against his and gently swaying back and forth. He might not be the most sophisticated man around, but moments like these made him remember how much happiness could be found in the smallest and humblest of moments, just as Brick had said. James pulled J. T. a little tighter to him and found that country music had a lot more to offer than he had ever realized. “Yeah, I do,” said James, resting his chin on J. T.’s shoulder. J. T. put his hand up on the back of James’ head and led James gently around his living room while the steel guitar and piano in the song showed them the way.

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James stretched, trying to get the soreness out of his muscles. He hadn’t really counted on how much he’d hurt after just a week of working outside with Brick and Roddy and everyone else. He may have used the gym regularly, but landscaping was a different kind of physical labor and he could feel it. Plus, he was sure that Brick and Roddy were being rougher on him than strictly necessary, just because they wanted to give him a hard time. They seemed to get a kick out of watching James try to keep up with them. But, despite Brick and Roddy being complete assholes, he had a much better time working with them than he ever had at Natahatchee Ford. James’ mom had reacted about as expected to the news of him being fired. He had to talk her out of her promise to give Jasper Griffiths a piece of her mind the next time she saw him. But she was thrilled he would be helping out with the business, and even happier that he and Brick were back on speaking terms. She offered to have James help her with some of the business development stuff that she still did, but James wanted to focus on just being out with everyone else for a while. Feeling the ache in his muscles, though, made him decide to take a nap for the first time in a long time on a Saturday afternoon. And as happens too often with Saturday afternoon naps, it was interrupted when, not ten minutes into it, he got a call from Jerry. The instant James heard Jerry’s voice, though, he knew something was up. It was calm like always, but there was something of an edge in it this time. Jerry said, “James, I need for you to come over to my place, please. Now.” James might have otherwise protested, but something in Jerry’s voice made him feel like he wasn’t being offered a choice.

Back at his apartment, James was in something of a fugue, and couldn’t seem to shake it. He needed something to distract him. Something uncomplicated. So he went over to his mother’s house to see Lindsey, currently the most uncomplicated person he knew, and it helped him a lot. He and Lindsey spent the rest of the afternoon together, and he did everything he could to be the best big brother in the world. He took her to the park for a little while, they went and got ice cream together, and they read stories and watched cartoons. “Chillaxing” was the word James’ mom had used to describe their afternoon. While he was there, he tended to the fish pond out in the back yard as well, now that Roddy was giving him that particular grunt work to do. Roddy would even want to come by at some point to “inspect James’ work”, but really he’d just come by to visit with Lindsey and Bea a little. Roddy had played up on the whole joke about him being James’ boss, and Brick being James’ boss’ boss, and they all had some fun with it. Everyone else seemed to get a kick out of it as well, especially Amos, who teased James that he had seniority over him at Montgomery Landscaping and he’d better not forget it. So Roddy,

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who normally took care of the pond in Bea’s back yard, took great pleasure in “delegating” that grunt work to James these days. When James got Lindsey all tucked in bed for the night, she made a comment to James. “Jimmy, I wish you lived here instead of your ‘partment.” It made James feel warm inside and a tiny bit guilty as well. When he went back downstairs, his mother said, “I think you love her as much as I do.” “Yeah,” admitted James, “the little monkey’s pretty irresistible. I never would have thought I’d take to having a small child like that play such a big part in my life.” They talked about how she had grown even since she had come to live with Bea, and about starting Lindsey in the first grade in the fall. She told James a story or two about starting him in school so many years ago, the same grade school Lindsey would go to, stories that James didn’t even remember. James’ mom changed the subject after a little bit. “You’ve enjoyed working with the crew, haven’t you, James?” James knew his mother well enough to know where this was going, “Mom, it’s not what I professionally do. It’s not what I went to college for. But yeah, I’ve had way more fun working with everyone on the crew than I did working at Natahatchee Ford.” “I knew when you moved back that you wouldn’t like working there, but you needed to find that out for yourself. I’m surprised you put up with it as long as you did. I’m not sure I appreciate you going behind my back to get a job at the business, though,” she said, admonishing James with a smile. “However, I very much respect that you didn’t come on with the crew trying to be the boss of everyone just because you’re my son. But you’re smart enough to be doing way more than that. You could take over what I do, such little bit as it is these days, and still have time to work out there with the crew.” James was about to respond when his mother made another comment, one that he absolutely, positively wasn’t expecting. “If you want, I’ll give the entire business to you. I’ll sign it all over to you tomorrow if you want. I can retire. I practically am retired already.” James actually blushed at the offer his mother had just made. And he knew his mother well enough to know she was serious. Just like she wouldn’t have adopted Lindsey without thinking it totally through, she wouldn’t have made this offer to James without thinking it through. It felt good that his mother had that much confidence in him, especially after some of the things that had happened lately. But the very thought of anyone really being in charge of Montgomery Landscaping other than Beatrice Montgomery was impossible to James. It was, as they say, crazy talk. “Mom, I know in your own twisted way you actually mean that. But, no. You’ve built up and run the business so well, it would totally freak everyone out to have someone else take it over. Plus, for now, I really am enjoying just being part of the crew. Maybe, when it’s the dead of summer and I’m running a mower at 4pm in humid 95

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degree weather, I’ll feel differently. But right now, it’s really great to just be one of the guys out there.” To James’ surprise, she didn’t push him any more on it. Back at his apartment, as he got ready for bed and with the distractions gone, James’ mind clouded again and he didn’t know what to do. He had been accused of molesting a minor, for crying out loud. Christ, he had been accused of molesting the son of the chief of police! Even if it had been brief and been exposed as an untruth quickly, the thought that it had happened at all almost made James sick. Part of him felt like he needed to just wash his hands of Cory, or at least that he should. But then another part of him reflected and wondered if he wasn’t now receiving the same kind of treatment that he had recently given Brick; wasn’t Cory putting someone else to blame for a problem that was, in the end, inherently his? There was a world of difference, though, between James getting a little pissed at Brick and not speaking to him for a while, and Cory accusing James of molesting him. But, despite Cory’s misleading appearance, he was still just a fourteen year old kid. A fourteen year old kid going through something very scary. James’ mind just spun in circles. He desperately wanted to talk to someone about it. Well, he wanted to talk to Brick about it, but felt bound to not discuss it with anyone. All he could do was hope that Cory would come around and be truthful, and hope that his friendship with Jerry didn’t wind up a casualty of the whole situation. But something else surfaced in James’ mind that he hadn’t really thought that much about in several months. Something he hadn’t really felt since he stood on the Manhattan Bridge over the East River in New York and thrown his cell phone down into the flowing water. Things had gotten overwhelming and maybe he needed to consider leaving.

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Chapter 32

Come Sunday, James tried to occupy himself with cleaning his apartment so he wouldn’t think too much about Cory and Jerry the day before. Luckily, Brick called mid- morning to see if James wanted to watch a movie together that afternoon, and James was all for it. Anything to distract him. Brick offered to get the movies if, maybe, James could perhaps be possibly convinced to fix dinner for them. It was all just Brick’s roundabout way of getting James to cook for him, which was totally fine with James. Cooking would definitely help distract him as well. Any time James seemed to have to himself, he wondered what was happening with Cory and Jerry. Did Cory feel bad about what he had said about James? James felt pretty sure it was just a knee-jerk reaction when his dad had asked about the calls, but still it was a pretty awful thing to do. He wondered if Cory would have let it go further if Jerry hadn’t realized it was a lie right out of the gate. That was the scariest thing. Something in him wanted to believe that Cory would have come clean at some point, but it was hard to tell. Right now, all James could do was wait to see if Cory got up enough courage to finally be honest about everything. Then he’d wonder what was going through Jerry’s mind. Had Jerry figured out what the truth was and was just waiting on Cory or James to be honest with him? His reaction yesterday made James feel like he hadn’t figured it out. Had Jerry told Carrie Anne about any of it? She wasn’t there yesterday when he had been there and everything had gone down. Was Jerry waiting to try to get to the bottom of it first? How could she look at either Jerry or Cory and not know something was going on? James could almost make himself sick worrying about it. He wound up wishing Brick would hurry up and get there so he wouldn’t have so much time to stew over it. When Brick finally did show up in the middle of the afternoon, James was absolutely ecstatic to see him. They grabbed a couple of beers, sat down on James’ couch and Brick put down two movies.

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“Here,” he said, “I got two so you could pick.” The one on top was The 40 Year Old Virgin, which seemed like a good choice. But James moved it aside to see the other movie and found that it was Angstrom. James immediately got nervous. Brick watched James closely. “So... we don’t have to watch that one if you don’t want to,” he said, pointing at the Angstrom DVD. James just looked blankly at the DVD. Ian was on there. A living, breathing version of Ian. Not just still pictures, or words he had spoken in an interview, but Ian moving and talking and interacting with other people. The thought of seeing that scared James. Brick ventured further, “You know, because if you’re uncomfortable, you know, because of that Ian guy, or whatever...” The blood suddenly drained out of James’ face. He looked down at the DVD case stupidly, then over at Brick. “How do you...” James said, dumbfounded. He couldn’t even finish the question. How did Brick know about Ian? Brick looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry, James. I shouldn’t have brought it. I’m genuinely not trying to pry or to make you feel bad.” James was still in shock, wondering how Brick seemed to know about Ian. Brick said, “Look, I’ve done a bad thing. We’ll just put it aside and I’ll never mention Ian...” James interrupted him, “How did you know?” James realized, to his surprise, that he wasn’t upset. He was genuinely curious as to how Brick knew. Brick didn’t even look at James. He just shook his head and said, “Don’t be impressed. I’m no super-sharp Sherlock, and it’s just a lucky guess, more than anything. The night you were sick and I spent the night here on your sofa, I looked through that stack of magazines you have piled up over there.” Brick pointed to the magazines and newspapers on the media cabinet next to James’ television. “Every one of those has a huge story on that Ian Famil guy. But what gave it away were the newspapers. You still have copies of USA Today and the New York Times and all them, all with stories on Ian. People may keep magazines a while, but not usually newspapers. Knowin’ your line of work, it wasn’t hard to guess maybe you knew Ian. And the timing of his... his, uh, death and you moving back was...” Brick’s voice trailed off. James was amazed at how perceptive Brick really was. James had put tremendous effort into protecting his relationship with Ian from prying eyes, and Brick had found it practically lying out on a coffee table. Brick said earnestly, “I do want to hear it, though, if you’re, you know, okay talking about it. I promise to be a good listener.” James was nervous about Brick figuring out that he knew Ian. He didn’t want to talk about it because it meant admitting to things about himself he was trying to forget.

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Things that hurt and made him ashamed of himself. But at the same time, he was carrying a lot of secrets right then. Sharing some of that would help with the weight of everything. James decided that maybe it was time to talk about it a little. He took his wallet out of the back of his pants and fished around in it and pulled a picture out. He handed the picture to Brick. Brick looked at it a second and said, “Wow! Look at that! You really did know him!” The picture was Ian and James, arms around each other and giving each other an awkward kiss on the lips. James’ arm was held out where he could take the picture of the two of them together while kissing. “That picture is probably worth about two hundred thousand dollars, by the way.” Brick looked at James in curiosity and disbelief. “But I’ll get to that in time,” James said. He drank some of his beer and started telling Brick about Ian. He told Brick how they met on the set of Angstrom while it was filming in New York, and how they became involved very soon after meeting. He talked about how Ian didn’t care anything about the usual trappings that stars cared about – limos, private rooms at clubs, or shallow, attention-seeking friends — and how Ian wanted more than anything to be a regular guy with even just one real friend. He talked about how Ian was scared of how the movie was going to throw him into a limelight he didn’t want or know how to deal with. He talked about how they had so much fun as a regular couple, before Ian became too publicly known, and then how they had to sneak around after Ian did become known. James told Brick how the marketing company he worked for wanted to steal Ian away from his current manager so they could start their own talent management division, and how James was to be the head of it if he managed to sign Ian. He told him how he had no qualms about stealing Ian away since his manager was a complete idiot and had no idea how to handle someone on the verge of being a superstar the way Ian was. James admitted to trying to serve two masters with Ian, making Ian a success — making him a celebrity and signing him — and being the friend and partner that Ian desperately needed. He talked about how Ian could tell over time, despite James justifying it every time, not only to Ian but to himself as well, that his first priority was Ian’s career. Brick interrupted at one point, “But wasn’t he dating that girl? The hip-hop artist?” “Yeah, Neerja Mireault, the French Indian girl. That was all my idea to set him up with a straight relationship. It was all fake, though. The two of them together hitting the scene in North America at about the same time was a dynamite combination, if I do say so myself. Neerja’s a dyke, by the way, so she needed the beard herself. Ian understood why we did it, but he never really liked her. She was a typical rock star – lots of entourage, lots of partying, lots of drugs – everything Ian really didn’t care for.”

“The more I focused on Ian’s career and pushed him, the more withdrawn he got, but I didn’t see how deeply it was affecting him. Right after the movie came out, Ian

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found out that I would be made head of a new division if I signed him, and I think that pushed him over the edge.” “He called me the night before he committed suicide and asked me to come see him the next morning. He sounded upset, but calm at the same time. I probably should have realized what was about to happen, but I didn’t. I was too wound up in what my boss had said that day and what it made me realize about her and about my friends, but I’ll get to that.” “The next morning, I snuck into Ian’s hotel like I was used to doing because of the paparazzi always there waiting to catch him, and let myself in with the room card he had given me. And he was there, on the bed, gone after taking a bottle’s worth of sleeping pills. I’m ashamed to say that that was the first time that I realized how screwed up my priorities had been. The signs were there, and Ian didn’t need much from me, but I always put his career, and therefore mine, ahead of him.” James paused, the images in his mind causing him pain he had felt too often. It got harder for him to speak, and his mouth was drying up in an effort to make him stop. “There were two suicide notes, one generic, and one for me alone. The one to me told me to take the crystal dragonfly, which had special meaning to him and me, and told me not to blame myself for what he had done. It also said I could go public about our relationship, or I could just leave the room and let someone else find him. He said either would be fine with him.” James’ eyes were red and starting to leak tears at the thought of the note. James choked, but continued the story anyway. “On the surface, it seems like a straightforward note. But Ian was giving me one last chance to choose between him and his career. I could go public and tell everyone the truth about Ian, that he was gay, but that he had someone real and special and true in his life, or I could leave things the way they were, and Ian could die the star we made him for all our benefit, the lie intact. And I chose... I chose... the...” James couldn’t make it any farther. He leaned over and put his hands over his face to try and make it stop hurting. Brick reached over and put his hand on James’ back to try and comfort him. James sat back up and wiped his eyes. “Well, uh... so, you know how it turned out.” Brick waited a moment, and then said softly, “I’m so sorry, man. I can’t even begin to think how hard that must have been to go through. No wonder you walked away from everything you had in New York and came back here.” James said through a wan smile and a sob, “That wasn’t all of it, though. The day before I found Ian, my boss, Cerese, called me into her office. She broke the news to me that they had decided I wouldn’t be able to get Ian to sign on with Channel:Adage’s new talent division, so they decided to hire Ian’s manager as the head of the new division to make it happen. I was going to be reporting to that guy. It was so humiliating to me... Ian’s manager was a complete idiot and had no idea how to handle a real career, much less launch a division devoted to career management.” “And then she showed me a badly photoshopped image of Ian and me kissing and told me that I needed to be careful about shopping that kind of stuff around to tabloids

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trying to make a buck on the side. We got into a huge argument, but I’m not sure she believed me when I said I had nothing to do with it. I knew it was Patricio and Benard who had done it. I knew the photos that were used to create the composited one. They were trying to make a buck by throwing me and Ian under a bus. My friends and my career meant everything to me, and I was nothing more than an opportunity to them. Everything that was important to me in New York fell apart in the space of about twenty-four hours.” James took a deep breath. “When I left Ian’s room after finding him, I had nothing, except the crystal dragonfly. I literally never spoke to any of those people in New York again.” They sat in silence for a moment. The apartment was still and quiet. The emotion of telling the story, of everything in the last few weeks, just made James tired. Brick put his hand on James’ back again and rubbed it a little, trying to comfort his friend. “I don’t know what to say, James. How could anyone have held up underneath all that happening in their life? I’m sorry your friends turned out that way, but it does make me understand now why you’re skittish to trust anyone. I guess I’m lucky to have won any of your trust at all.” James rubbed at his eyes a little more, which were still stinging from the tears. Brick asked cautiously, “So, uh, did Ian have the hot bod and looks in real life that he had in the pictures I’ve seen?” James laughed in spite of what he was feeling. “Yeah, he really did. I’ve seen a lot of people have to be airbrushed to hell and back to make them look decent in a picture, but what you saw of Ian was all him. He was spectacularly attractive, and he was the most talented person I’ve ever known. I’ve never seen anyone who could create and toss off full characters, amazing characters, as quickly and effortlessly as Ian could. His skill would have made him an amazing force in the acting world.” “I’m sorry you lost him.” James nodded, then said, “There’s something you need to understand, too. When we launched Ian and people saw how young, beautiful and amazingly talented he was, there wasn’t a celebrity anywhere who wouldn’t have given anything to be seen with him. He already had co-starred with Julienne Moore, Ed Burns, and Michael Gambon. And he was getting calls from A-list stars, directors, producers, studio executives... all wanting to work with him or congratulate him or whatever. There wasn’t a single mover or shaker in the industry who wouldn’t immediately take his call when that movie came out. But Ian never cared about any of those people. He would have given up a thousand of those kinds of friends for one friend like you. Someone funny, loyal, down-to-earth, and really there. So don’t act like you’re a dumb redneck queer with nothing to offer anyone. Ian would have given anything to have someone like you as a friend. And it’s sad but true that I wouldn’t have seen what a true friend is – what you are – were it not for Ian.” Brick shuffled his feet on the floor a little, letting what James said sink in some. “Thanks for saying that. I’ve taken a hit in the self-esteem department lately, so that

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helps me feel better.” Brick looked at his empty beer bottle and ventured, “You obviously loved Ian. Is he the type of guy you’d normally go for?” “Yeah, mostly, I guess. He was tall and dark-haired — smooth and thin and lean. Ian had the most piercing eyes I’ve ever seen. He wasn’t as tall as I normally like them, but he was so sweet, and real, and incredibly funny,” said James, his eyes going distant as he remembered the good things in Ian for a change. Brick looked at his hands, then down at his feet and nodded quietly. “So it sounds like Roddy is your perfect type.” He smiled at James. James laughed and said, “Oh yeah, Roddy is a really good looking guy, that’s for sure. I wanted him to be gay so bad when I met him. My mom realized right away I had a thing for him.” “Yeah, Roddy is very good looking. Even more so since he’s a goober and has no idea how good looking he is,” said Brick. James asked, “Is he your type, too?” Brick looked up at James and shrugged. “Well, yeah, he’s definitely good looking, and I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed if I got him there, but I don’t know if he’s my ‘type’. I, uh, don’t really have enough experience to have a ‘type’, I don’t think.” Brick added, “I’m glad you told me the story, James. I hope you’re not mad. I feel like I kind of pushed you into it today.” James wasn’t mad, and he told Brick so. It felt good. It felt good to share something. If he couldn’t talk about Cory, then he could finally talk about Ian with someone he trusted. Plus, he felt like he finally was ready to share it with someone he trusted, after having bearing the weight of it for months and months now. And he didn’t really trust anyone more than he trusted Brick. James decided to watch Angstrom and see what happened. He thought there was a distinct chance he’d have to stop watching it, especially given some of the horrible things that happened to Ian’s character in the movie, but maybe not. So they watched the film, the first time James had really seen the film in its entirety. And even just seeing Ian on the screen made James feel peculiar, hearing his voice and seeing him move made James feel odd. And in some of the scenes where Ian’s character was tortured, James thought he’d have to stop the movie, but he managed to get past it. When the movie was over, Brick asked, “Are you ok?” “Yeah, I guess. It makes me feel strange to see him, living and breathing on the screen. I think if Ian were a worse actor, I probably would’ve had to stop watching. But Ian was so good at completely becoming someone else, like you saw there, it didn’t feel entirely like it was him.” James felt a little sad and lonely having seen it. He still missed Ian, and guessed he always would. But he also felt very proud to have known him, to have been special to Ian. Maybe if Ian had been just a little more special to him while he was alive, maybe if James hadn’t been quite so focused on his own career and his own life, things would have turned out differently. If he hadn’t been focused on what he had

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decided was supposed to be right for his life, if he had just accepted what was being offered to him in the form of Ian, maybe things would be different right now. Reflecting on how he had felt bad for grasping for the next step in his career when Ian just wanted James to be the one solid thing in his life, James decided he had done the right thing in standing by his promise to Cory. He felt better knowing he was putting Cory and Cory’s trust in him above his own needs right now. The movie finished, James threw himself into making a huge dinner for Brick. It was way more than either of them could ever hope to eat, and given how much Brick could tuck away, that was saying a lot. Brick even stopped his cooking at one point and asked him if he realized it was just the two of them, and who, exactly, the hell was going to eat all this food? But James just made a joke about buttering the boss up, and then wound up sending Brick home with about a week’s worth of leftovers after they ate a huge portion of the food for dinner. Brick commented on his way out that he and Kicker would be eating like kings for the whole next week.

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Chapter 33

James frowned at Melvyn and said, “Just get the fucking popcorn, please! You know you’re going to wind up getting it. You go through this same charade every time we come here, and you always get the popcorn.” Melvyn gasped, “I do NOT!” But then he smiled, “Besides, it’s a known fact, if you dither over the calories for a little while first, they don’t count! They proved it! They did! At the Mayo Clinic or the CDC or somewhere like that. You know, one of those places! I can’t be bothered with all of the specific details, but they definitely proved it.” Melvyn was being indecisive as to whether or not his waistline could stand having a big tub of popcorn while James stood impatiently waiting for him to agonize through the decision. James was fully aware of this ritual of Melvyn’s whenever they went to catch a movie, but he wanted to go ahead and get a seat. Despite the fact that Melvyn could be a little too over the top and too stereotypical and too drama oriented for James’ tastes, it made Melvyn very happy that the two of them could go out as friends every once in a while. James had continued to let Melvyn cut his hair since he had moved to Lawder, but Melvyn had also just assumed that they’d become big friends since they were both gay in a small southern town. James humored Melvyn and did things, like going out to see a movie, with him every once in a while. It hadn’t taken long before Melvyn had also made it apparent that he was interested in James as more than just a friend, but James had nipped that in the bud immediately. He had no romantic inclinations towards Melvyn at all. It took a little effort to convince Melvyn of this, but it became easier when James had started seeing J. T. and could honestly tell Melvyn he was seeing someone. Melvyn had asked a hundred and one questions about the mystery man, but James wouldn’t give any information up. Melvyn had pretty much accepted the status of their friendship pretty well since that point, much to James’ relief.

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That night, James was still looking for anything to distract him. He was still worried and consumed by what had happened with Cory and Jerry. So he called Melvyn and they had decided to go see the movie Fracture because they could both easily agree on anything with Ryan Gosling in it, although Melvyn was disappointed that James had never met Ryan in his previous life. James gave him an exasperated sigh and said, “Ok, dither yourself slender. I’m going to the bathroom.” James walked over to the bathroom in the lobby of the theater, which was empty when he walked in. He stepped up to the urinal farthest away from the door, started taking a much needed leak, and wished they used a better quality air freshener in the bathroom. He never really liked the smell of the run of the mill urinal cakes, which were assaulting his nose right at that moment. While he was peeing, three other guys came into the bathroom and took their place at the remaining urinals. James happened to glance over and notice the guy standing next to him, the one wearing a baseball cap. He looked a little familiar. He almost did a double-take when it realized it was J. T. James was surprised and pleased to see J. T. Well, he backed off of that reaction a little. Being out in public with J. T. had become something of a sore spot between the two of them. James wanted them to do things together — things like going to see a movie, or out to dinner, or whatever. He had wanted to go out on regular dates with J. T. But J. T. had never done anything like that with James. There was always some excuse. He started to get a little put out with J. T. that he couldn’t get him to go out and do things exactly like what J. T. was doing right now. Without entirely realizing it, James stared at him while he mulled over this. When J. T. looked over and realized it was James right next to him, he got a funny look on his face. James was about to say hi, but stopped when he saw the strange expression. He gave J. T. a confused look, trying to figure out what was going on. Suddenly, one of the guys, the one on the other side of J. T. leaned back from his urinal and scowled at James. He looked to be about the same age as J. T., but with short, wavy brown hair and a little bit of a gut on him. He looked at James like he smelled something bad and said, “What the fuck are you looking at, faggot?” James looked back at J. T. trying to figure out if he was with the other guy, or if he was going to say anything, but J. T. didn’t say a word. In fact, he looked supremely uncomfortable, like he would have preferred to be anywhere in the world other than standing at a urinal next to James at that moment. James felt himself turning red in the face from the other guy’s comment. At this point, the third guy had zipped up his pants and stepped away from his urinal. He walked up behind James with his arms crossed, which made James suddenly very scared.

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The third guy, a big guy with dark hair and a scraggly three-day growth of beard, said through a malevolent grin, “You see somethin’ you like, cocksucker?” The comment made the second guy snicker. James was trembling at this point, in anger, and in fear and was about to respond when J. T. stepped back from his urinal and turned to leave without looking at James. He said to his buddies, “C’mon, let’s go.” But just as James was about to relax as the three of them were walking out, he got stabbed in the back in a way he never expected. He heard, very clearly in J. T.’s voice as they were walking out, “Fucking queer!” James stood there for a moment, petrified, before he remembered to zip up his pants. He went to wash his hands and realized how much they were shaking. Had this really just happened? Had those two words really come out of J. T.’s mouth? He looked around the bathroom, his eyes burning suddenly, thinking maybe it was a really cruel joke. He leaned over the sink, put both hands on either side of the basin to support himself, and stared down into the white bowl. He could almost... almost... understand J. T.’s nervousness and silence. But why did he have to actively participate? J. T. could have just walked out without another word. As much as James knew that what was between him and J. T. was kind of fucked up anyway, this was unforgivable. He stood up suddenly. He needed to get out of there. He needed to get out of the bathroom and out of the theater. He needed to crawl under a rock, or hide under his bed, or die, or something. Anything to make this feeling go away. Because if he didn’t get out of there that fucking instant, he was going to go fucking insane. He walked fast back out into the lobby, where Melvyn was waiting, stuffing popcorn into his mouth. Melvyn could immediately tell something was very wrong. “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you ok?” he asked. “I can’t stay here. I have to leave! Right now!” James started pulling on Melvyn’s sleeve to get him to move. “Wait! Stop! What’s going on?” insisted Melvyn, digging his heels in. “No! I’m sorry, Melvyn, but I have to leave right now! With or without you.” James turned and started walking towards the door of the theaters, Melvyn soon running after him, trying to catch up. Outside, Melvyn asked again, “Did something happen in the bathroom? Was it those guys?” James cringed at the words, “those guys”. It would be so much easier if they had been just random people being jerks. He felt his eyes burning again and wanted to get to his car as soon as possible.

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He whispered to Melvyn, who was very concerned about James and desperately wanted to understand, “Yes. They made some really nasty comments to me in the bathroom. You can probably guess what kind.” They got in the car, and the entire time James drove Melvyn home to drop him off, he tried to re-assure James. He told James how genuinely sorry he was that it had happened. That Lawder was full of white trash homophobes, and he really wished it was more accepting like New York was. That he had suffered more than his share of the taunts and names, and it was always just spiteful name-calling by ignoramuses. He said James should just ignore it, that he was stronger and better than any of those assholes. It was all just a buzzing in James’ ears, though. All he could really hear was J. T. saying, “Fucking queer!” over and over again.

When Carrie Anne opened the door, what greeted James was genuine surprise on her face.

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“James?” “Hey, yeah, Carrie Anne. How are you doing?” “Uh, I’m fine, James. Please, come on in.” She stepped aside so James could enter. “Jerry’s here in the den,” she said as she led him in. Jerry was there flipping through the channels on the television, but Cory was sitting off to the side, waiting. He looked pale and scared. Cory didn’t say anything as James came in, but James gave him a supportive smile, which Cory tried to return. Jerry turned around and saw James, and almost looked startled. He turned the TV off and stood up to greet James. “Hey. Um, I didn’t know you were coming by.” Jerry looked at Carrie Anne to see if she was expecting James, but she just shrugged. “Uh, yeah, neither did I until just a little while ago.” He glanced at Cory to see if he was ready to have the talk. Carrie Anne and Jerry both looked over at Cory blankly when he said, “I was the one that asked him to come.” Jerry and Carrie Anne sat next to each other on the couch and James sat down on the ottoman. Carrie Anne said, “Sweetie? What’s going on?” She looked between James and her son, bewildered. The nervousness was pouring out of Cory, practically in waves. His voice was shaking as he spoke, “I know I’ve been a jer...” He stopped, tried to stop his hands from fidgeting in his lap, and took a long drawn breath before continuing. James’ heart ached for what he knew Cory was feeling. He had felt the same way when he had told his mom, and he was in college by that point. Cory started over, “Mom, dad, I need for you guys to know... I’m pretty sure I’m... I’m... gay.” He closed his eyes when he finally got the word out. What’s done was done, and he was resigned to whatever the consequences would be from that point. There was a dead silence in the room for a long moment. Carrie Anne looked at her son, then at Jerry. Jerry was clearly shocked, and he looked over at James, searching for more of an explanation. Cory opened his eyes and looked directly at his parents. He said “I’m gay.” Jerry stood up and started pacing a little bit. “Gay?” he asked. His voice wasn’t angry; he just seemed to be processing it. Cory looked down at the floor and said, “Yeah.” Jerry looked over at James, trying to make the connection. “Well, uh, are you trying to say that James had something to do with this? That he made...” James suddenly was terrified again of what Jerry was implying, but Cory jumped up and interrupted his dad. “No, no, no!! James didn’t do anything to me. I was feeling this way, figuring it out, even before I met James. James didn’t do anything to me.” Cory looked down at his feet, the shame pulling his eyes down so they didn’t meet James’.

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“Actually, he’s been great. The only one I could talk to. That’s what the phone calls were, dad. I know I treated him horrible, but...” Jerry cut in on Cory at this point, “So you’ve been talking to James this whole time?” Cory sat back down. “Yeah.” “But not me or your mother?” “Well...” Cory wasn’t sure how to answer that. Jerry seemed to tense up a little bit. James started getting a little nervous about how he was taking this. Jerry said, “Cory, how can you talk to James about this... but... not me?” Cory didn’t seem to know how to deal with this. He looked at James nervously, “Well, I was just scared...” Jerry interrupted, his voice rising noticeably, “Scared? Cory, I’m your dad! How come you could trust James, but not me? I’m your father! Don’t you trust me? You were afraid of me?!” James had heard enough at this point. He said, “Jerry, stop. Listen to what Cory...” But Jerry interrupted again, irritated, “James, this is between me and my son.” Carrie Anne had been watching Cory intently. She grabbed Jerry’s arm, though, and said, “Jerry, stop. Let James speak, please.” Jerry finally did stop. He looked at Carrie Anne, and then back at James. James said, with a certain firmness in his voice to make sure Jerry listened, “Jerry, be careful right now. Right now, this isn’t about you, ok? Cory’s dealing with something really hard. Right at this moment... right now... he’s doing one of the hardest things he’ll ever do in his entire life.” Jerry’s eyes got unfocused and his mouth hung open for a moment while he thought about what James had just said. He looked over at his son, who was looking terrified and as small as he possibly could. You could hear a pin drop in the room. Jerry drew a deep breath and put his hand over his heart. He said, “Oh, Cory, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He stepped over to Cory. “Come here, son.” Cory stood up and fell into his father’s arms. Jerry hugged his son tight and kissed him on the top of his head, “It’s ok. I’m sorry, Cory. It’s ok. You know I love you more than anything. I love you no matter what! Forgive me, son!” Carrie Anne had stood up, too, at this point. She pulled her son away from Jerry and hugged him, “Darling, don’t you feel bad. It doesn’t matter to us. We love you so much, Cory. Don’t ever doubt that!” She kissed him over and over. Cory had started crying at this point, finally able to let the pent-up anxiety flow out of him. Jerry wrapped his arms around his son and his wife. He said, “Gay or straight, you’re our son, Cory. Our son. Don’t ever forget that.” The three of them held like that, Cory finally having to pull away to wipe his eyes a little.

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He sat down on the couch with his mom and dad on either side of him. They each took his hands in theirs. James said, “Carrie Anne and Jerry, it’s exactly because Cory loves and cares about the two of you so much that it makes it so hard to open up about this. It’s scary for him to face this about himself, and even scarier to think about how other people might think about it. Even the smallest, remotest chance of losing the love of the people you care about the most looms terribly large. You’ll do almost anything to not risk it. It’s not about how much he trusts you. It’s about giving Cory the space to come to some terms with it himself, then to build the courage to risk the most important relationships in his life over it.” Carrie Anne rubbed her son’s hand and said, “Cory, sweetie, there’s nothing that could make us not love you.” Jerry put his arm around Cory and held him close. “James said you guys would be okay with it,” admitted Cory. “But I was just so scared and confused.” Jerry pulled his son tightly again and kissed the side of his head. “Don’t worry, Cory. It’s okay. I understand now.” “James figured me out, and I was terrified of him,” continued Cory. “I was sure he was just going to tell everyone. I called him to beg him not to, and he promised he wouldn’t. Not even you guys. And we just talked. He understood what I was going through. But he kept telling me that I needed to tell you guys, but I didn’t know how to. I was just too scared.” Cory wiped at his eyes again. “And then you asked about the calls, Dad. I didn’t know what to do and I kind of freaked out.” Cory looked over at James, “I really am sorry, James. I really am.” James was genuinely proud of Cory. He smiled at him. “It’s ok, Cory. It’s all turned out good.” Jerry asked James, “And you’ve talked to Brick about this?” Cory looked nervous once again. “No. Not Brick. Not anyone. I promised,” he said, more to Cory than to Jerry. He re-explained to Jerry and Carrie Anne. “I promised Cory I wouldn’t say anything to anyone at all, and I haven’t. Both of you should probably make this promise to Cory as well. He needs to be comfortable before anyone else knows. Even Brick.” Jerry said, “But given the circumstances...” Cory picked up that there was something going on. “Why Brick?” Jerry said, “Well, Cory, it turns out that Brick’s gay, too.” Cory’s eyes got huge, “He is?” “Remember how we talked that sometimes guys don’t figure it out for a long time?” asked James. “Yeah.”

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“Well, Brick is like that. It took him a while. He just now started admitting it to a few people.” “But, he didn’t talk to you about it, even? You guys are friends!” asked Cory. “There are some special circumstances there. Maybe he’ll explain it to you one day, but it’s pretty personal.” James smiled and added, “Plus, he and I have a really strange history, and our friendship lately has been kind of a colossal series of misjudgments. So, are you okay if Brick knows about you, Cory?” “Do you think it’ll be okay for him to know?” he asked James. James nodded. “I wouldn’t worry about Brick one bit. Do you want to tell him? Or do you want me to? Or your dad?” “Uh, would you, James? It’s kind of hard telling people.” “No problem, Cory. Brick will be another really good person to have on your side.” Carrie Anne and Jerry asked Cory some more questions. When did he start figuring it out? Was his bullying just part of hiding it? Had he acted on his feelings yet? And so on. Finally, James decided he should leave them to talk privately about it. When he stood up to take his leave, Cory stood up, too, and went to James and hugged him tightly. “Thank you, James. Thank you.” James hugged Cory back, just as tightly, and kissed his forehead. It was so easy to forget that Cory had only just turned fourteen a few months earlier. He was so much bigger and more mature looking than that. James continued to hold him, and Cory seemed to not want to let go himself. Cory smiled at James, and for the first time, James realized he had the same dimples as his mother. He had told Cory at one point that he would be a heartbreaker, and with that smile, those dimples and that face, James knew there was absolutely no doubt about the truth of that. James remembered the sensation of finally having people know your deepest, worst secret and realizing they still cared about you. He said, “Cory, you’ll still have difficult moments, but the hardest part is done. You’ve come through it, Cory, and it’ll get easier now. You’ve got people that know and love you no matter what else happens.” Jerry and Carrie Anne walked James out to his car so they could talk to him privately. Carrie Anne said, “James, I don’t even know what to say. How do you even begin to thank someone for something like this? You went through so much trying to help Cory.” She gave James a hug. James shrugged. “He’s had such a hard time with it. But I can relate. That’s why I did it. He needed someone that he knew could relate to it. All that matters is tonight. Tonight has worked out, and Cory has a safe base to build from now. And Jerry, if you haven’t before, tell Cory the story about your Ranger buddy, Clay. It will mean a lot to him, and it will do him a lot of good to hear it.”

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Jerry had been quiet, but stepped forward to hug James. He hugged James so tightly that James knew his back was going to snap. After what felt like a painful eternity, and without a word, Jerry finally let go and wiped at his eyes in the dim streetlight in front of his house. He held James by the shoulders for a moment longer looking at him. He hugged James again, much more gently this time. Jerry started wiping at his eyes again and his voice caught in his throat while speaking. “Thanks, James. You stopped me from really screwing up in there. And thank you for being there for my son. Carrie Anne and I can’t easily relate to how hard this is for Cory, or really understand what he’s feeling, so I’m so glad he’s got you around to help him understand. Carrie Anne and I just have to make this up as we go along, and I’m terrified of fucking it up. We need you, James, you and Brick both to help us with this. Cory needs you.” James gave Jerry a couple of pats in the middle of his chest. “Jerry, Carrie Anne... don’t worry about it. You’ve already handled this a hundred times better than most parents do. Cory is extremely lucky to have you guys for his parents.” James left Jerry and Carrie Anne to go back to their son. And he got ready to tell Brick a long story when he got back to his apartment.

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Chapter 38

James fidgeted in his seat. If he didn’t focus and get his mind where it needed to be, he wasn’t going to do very well in the interview, and he knew it. He looked out the airplane window at the thick layer of clouds below. He needed to be thinking about media strategies, public relations techniques, past work of Craft Services and how he would maybe have approached some of their campaigns differently. But his mind kept dragging him back to the guilt feelings. When he had told people about his trip to L.A. for the job interview, they had been surprised. A few had thinly congratulated him on getting the interview, but the deeper undercurrent seemed to be disappointment in James. Or maybe just disappointment that he might be leaving. Brick had been blown away when James was finally able to tell him the full story of Cory turning out gay, then teased James a little bit that he was going to wind up turning everyone in the town queer. The two of them wound up meeting up with Jerry and Carrie Anne for one of Cory’s baseball games a few days later. James had never really watched any baseball, but actually was pretty excited to see it and support Cory. Jerry was like a changed man, mostly due to the change in Cory. He told them that Cory was back on track in school, he had stopped bullying his friends, he was much less reclusive at home, and for the first time in probably a year, he just seemed happy again. Cory’s team, the Lawder Middle School Lions, won, thanks in no small part to Cory’s pitching, and Jerry, Brick, and James took Cory out for pizza afterwards to celebrate. Carrie Anne had decided to let it be a guys’ night out and let them have their fun. Cory was thrilled to have James there at the game and with him for pizza; he even insisted on sitting next to James in the booth at the pizza place. Suddenly, and in spite of all the stress between them, Cory seemed to view James as a favorite big brother. Jerry had saved the story about his gay Ranger buddy to tell Cory, so he told it to his son over dinner that night after the game. Cory was fascinated that the guy had been a Ranger just like his dad and wanted to know if he could meet him sometime. Jerry thought that maybe that would be a really great idea, and Brick and James both liked the

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idea of meeting the infamous Clay as well. Jerry, with both James’ and Brick’s permission, made very sure that Cory understood that he trusted both of them completely, and that anytime Cory had questions or wanted to talk about anything, or just spend time with them, that he should feel free. It made James feel very good to know that, despite the rough last few weeks, Jerry felt that way about James and didn’t let any of it come between them. At some point, though, it came up that James was going out to L. A. for a job interview, and the look on Cory’s face when he put it together that James might be leaving Lawder wasn’t something that James liked remembering very much. Jerry congratulated James on the opportunity, too, and wished him luck with the interview. But James could tell Jerry was sad at the thought of James leaving, too. It seemed to cast a pall over the late part of their dinner and James really felt bad for bringing everyone down after Cory had played so well that night. But it wasn’t just Cory and Jerry. Carrie Anne called him the next day to say she was sorry to hear he might be leaving. She confided to him that he meant a lot to Jerry, and now even Cory talked about James all the time. James tried to assure her that he hadn’t gotten any job yet, and everyone may be jumping the gun assuming he’d be moving away. Nonetheless, Carrie Anne also wished James luck with the interview. Worse than Cory and Jerry was his mother’s reaction. She wouldn’t even talk about it. And she definitely didn’t want him to tell Lindsey anything about it. They told Lindsey he was going on a trip for a few days, but that was it. He tried to explain to his mother that it was time, he still had a career that he wanted, that Lawder was always just a place to get back on his feet, that she knew this would come around at some point. But she flatly refused to hear any of it. It wasn’t like her to just not listen at all to James, and it bothered him. Secretly, the thought of leaving Lindsey did upset James. He had gotten incredibly attached to her since she had come into his life. He fought to not admit that too openly in front of his mother, though, since she’d probably seize on that to make him feel much worse about leaving. But the thought of not making cupcakes with Lindsey, or not helping her grow the wildflowers they had planted together, or the thought of not being there with her when she started first grade, tore at him far worse than he ever expected it to. But probably the one that seemed to maybe bother him the most was Brick. And it wasn’t because Brick had acted disappointed, or laid a guilt trip on him, or anything like that. In fact, in the last week or so, Brick had been very positive and supportive. But something about it didn’t feel right. Something felt different, and James couldn’t put his finger on it. He just couldn’t understand it, and it worried him. Overall, James felt all of this tugging at him, trying to keep him in Lawder. It irked him. Suddenly, it felt like everyone needed him there, and was trying to tie him down. But what about his life? What about what he wanted and the goals he had for his own life? James had needs, too. He had to get his mind focused and off of all these personal thoughts, though, so James cranked up his laptop to try to look at some material he had saved relevant to the

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interview. But once his laptop started up he got distracted again; he noticed he had a few emails from Jerry that must have been downloaded right before he had dashed out of the apartment to drive to Birmingham for the flight. Jerry had sent him a few photographs he thought James would like, and so he started to browse through them. The first was a photo he had no idea had been taken. It was a picture of James, and Jesus, and Jerry at the reception after Jerry had been sworn- in as the chief of police. Jerry was resplendent in his full dress uniform, but he had his usual broad smile and his hand on James’ shoulder. James and Jesus looked small next to him. Then there was one from just the other night, with Cory in his baseball uniform at the pizza place, with James right next to him and his arm around him. Then there was one of all four of them together that same night. Finally, there were a few from the other restaurant, but it was from a different night. It took a moment for James to figure out when the photos had been taken, but he finally decided it had been the night he had gone to apologize to Brick and heard his story about coming out. One photo was one the waitress had taken of the three of them together, with Jerry in the middle and each arm around James and Brick. The last one, though, was different. It had the feel of more of a candid shot than the others. It was a photo of James and Brick sitting next to each other in the booth. James wasn’t paying any real attention, and Brick was looking at James. But there was something about the way that Brick was looking at him in the photo. It haunted James for some reason. He lingered over the photo for another few minutes before he gave up and shut his laptop down entirely. He realized his mind was only going to let him think about what was now miles and miles behind him, instead of what was approaching ahead.

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James awoke, a little disoriented. He glanced over to look for the familiar pattern of illuminated stripes caused by the parking lot light shining through his apartment mini- blinds, but instead saw a window with curtains drawn across it. He sat up and looked around the dark room and remembered he wasn’t in his apartment or in his bed. He lay back down, the warm, content sensation coming back to him before he realized Brick wasn’t next to him. He glanced over towards the bathroom, but he didn’t see any light in there. Instead, he noticed a slight flickering light coming from the den. He got up, pulled his underwear on, and peeked out into the den, where he saw Brick in his boxers laying back on the sofa, watching the television. Kicker was on the floor next to him asleep, his feet twitching in some dream. Brick sat up and curled into a ball, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “You ok?” asked James. Brick smiled and nodded. It seemed sincere to James, but something still seemed to be bothering him. He went over and sat next to Brick, carefully stepping over Kicker in the process. “So, what are you in here thinking about?” he asked Brick. “Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep and needed to clear my head a little.” “It didn’t freak you out, did it? You didn’t finally get to this point and decide you’re actually straight, did you?” asked James. He said it jokingly, but then the fear gripped his insides that maybe he should be concerned that this could actually happen. “No, no! Hell, no! Tonight was awesome! You have no idea! After what we did together, I’m gayer than ever, seriously. I had no idea it could feel like that!” said Brick through a smile. He said more seriously, “And it didn’t freak me out. I know you and trust you, so I’m not worried that you’re suddenly going to beat me senseless. But I think even if you did beat me senseless, it’d be worth it.” James put his hand over on Brick’s knee. “Ok, good.” Brick looked thoughtful, and admitted, “It never felt like that with any woman... not with Jenny, none of them.” His eyes danced and he joked, “Internet porn doesn’t do it justice, you know?” But Brick’s face clouded a little again, something still causing him pause deep down inside. He screwed his courage up and started, “You said something earlier tonight. I need to know if you meant it.” “What was that?” “What happened tonight... everything that’s happened today... has been really great, beyond just the, you know, physical parts. Probably more than I have a right to expect.” James was about to protest, but just let Brick talk it through instead. Brick continued, “I think that I first realized that it wasn’t just a physical attraction any more, that I was actually falling for you, the day you came by when I was working

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on my motorcycle. You asked me about my philosophy on life and we talked about it. I’ve never had anyone seem actually interested in something like that. Interested in me that way.” Brick was quiet for a moment, reflecting on how his feelings for James had developed over time, until they had become the crushing longing he had suffered for many months now. He suddenly smiled. “By the way, that day, when I took you on the motorcycle ride? I went really fast and made you hold onto me for dear life, remember? I did that just so I could feel your arms around me.” “Anyway, you’re everything to me now. You do, actually, mean the world to me. You’ve meant the world to me for a while. But earlier tonight, you used the ‘L’ word. I need to know if you really mean that. Because if I’m just the rebound guy, or if you’re just going to eventually find a job somewhere else and move away... I don’t know that I can take it. Maybe I should just feel lucky that I got laid at all, but I feel like I’m so close to getting what I really want... to having you... I’m so stupid in love with you and... and... I’ve been in love with you. And the thought of losing that now...” James was relieved that it was an easy concern to put to rest. His feelings towards Brick had become very clear in the last few days. They had been there for a while, but out of focus, like he was looking past them at something else. And it was only when he stopped squinting off at something else that he saw how obvious the thing right next to him was. And even better, it had come over him from the opposite direction. His attraction to Brick wasn't initiated by the purely physical desire that had controlled so many of the relationships he had had before. Too often he had gotten physical with someone, then gotten tired of it before he had a chance to figure out if he really liked the guy or not. Ian had been a little different. He was wildly physically attracted to Ian, but over time, the feelings started to run deeper and deeper. His feelings for Ian had started to transition from being purely hormonal to being based on the person. The mind, the intellect, the heart, the soul of the person. And then it had gotten cut bitterly short. But with Brick, it had been slowly building up over time. And while he may have arrived in Lawder with nothing but contempt for every aspect of Brick, it had turned into a tolerance, a respect, a fondness, a trust, a love for Brick as a person that had snuck up on him. The physical attraction grew naturally out of that. Brick was a beautiful person; it just took some time for him to realize it. “I meant it,” said James, looking directly at Brick until he was sure Brick’s eyes were looking directly at his own. “There’s nobody I’d rather spend my time with, at night and during the day, than you. There’s nobody I trust the way I trust you. There’s nobody I want to make happier than I want to make you.” “Kevin, I love you. I really love you,” insisted James. He let that sink in for a moment, and then quipped, “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I wised up and started having sex with you, too. How great is that? Hell, I probably should hire you to do my landscaping as well!”

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Brick looked down, almost embarrassed to have earned this kind of affection, and completely unsure of how to handle it. Brick said, "Wow. In a way, it's easier when you've got nothing because you've got nothing to lose. But the instant you have something, you worry about losing it. And now I feel like I've got everything. I don't want to screw this up. Don't let me screw this up." James laughed and said, "You're not going to screw this up." Brick smiled at him. He stretched out, patted his chest and said, “Would you lay up here against me and let me just hold you for a while?” James lay back against Brick, the warmth of Brick’s body against his back and legs. Brick put his arms around James and held him. "I’ve wanted so badly to have someone to do this with. I’ve wanted so badly to be able to hold you like this. It’s better than sex." James turned his head to look back at Brick skeptically. Brick admitted, “Well, you know. Almost.” They lay together on the sofa, keeping each other warm in the glow of the television for a few minutes. Neither of them could have told you what was actually playing on the TV, though. They were both lost in the simple comfort of each other’s presence and touch. James even discovered something that he really liked very much laying there with Brick. He found he really loved having Brick’s arms around him, his thick forearms right up on his face and the dense hair on his arms tickling James’ lips and the underside of his nose. It was a sensation he had never experienced with any other guy, and he loved it. He found himself keeping Brick’s arm there, just so he could nuzzle it and run his lips up and down his arm. But after a few minutes, he couldn’t stand it any longer. James glanced back at Brick. He said, smirking, “You know, you scared me to death on your motorcycle that day, you asshole!”

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Chapter 41

The next morning, Brick and James got up and took a leisurely shower together. Brick still almost seemed in a state of disbelief that the last twenty-four hours had actually happened, but insisted on taking James out to breakfast. He put his old cowboy hat on James, loaded him up in his truck and told him they were going to the Gold Plate Diner for whatever James wanted to eat. As soon as they pulled out of the entrance to Brick’s apartment, his cell phone started ringing. Brick answered, “What’s up?” There was a pause, Brick flashed a slightly embarrassed look towards James and said, “No, Jerry, we’re not still balls deep in each other.” James started smiling.

“Probably only 30 minutes,” commented Brick, still looking embarrassed. James could hear Jerry exclaim loudly “That’s it? Thirty minutes?” over the phone, and chuckled at Jerry’s grilling. Brick replied, “C’mon Jerry, it’s been a while for me, I couldn’t have lasted very long last night.” Brick turned slightly away from James and said in a quieter voice, although James could still plainly hear him, “Yeah, man, really good. Better than I have a right to hope for.” There was another pause. “That’s none of your fucking business, dude.” Pause, then softly, “Well, there was this one thing he did. Man, I had no idea something like that could feel that good.”

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Pause. “No, I’m not going to give you a play by play. What is it with you and this fascination with two guys having sex, you big pervert? Aren’t you getting any at home? Here, I’ll let James give you the rundown.” Brick handed the phone to James, and he said, “Hey Jerry, what’s up?” “So, I wanna hear about it.” James shrugged, “I ate his ass out, Jerry. I rolled Brick over, spread his ass-cheeks wide, and shoved my tongue so far up his bunghole that I could taste his liver. I had him squirming and squealing like a little piggy!” Brick turned beet-red. “Jesus, James!” On the phone, Jerry laughed out loud. “Good! You work him over good! But if you’re trying to shock me, you’ll have to try harder than that!” James knew he had been stymied with that one, and he was frustrated he didn’t get the reaction out of Jerry he wanted. “Are you kidding me?” “I’m on to you, James. Besides, I don’t live in a monastery. I know what your kind does for fun. I’d like to know what it feels like myself, but Carrie Anne would probably divorce me the instant I even mention it.” “Hey,” said James, the evil grin spreading across his face, “Maybe you should have Cory do you. It’d be good for both of you.” Jerry laughed again, “Man, I gotta hand it to you, you sick freak, you don’t give up easily! Seriously, I hope you guys had a good time. I know you know what you’re doing, but I think Brick’s still a little intimidated. Did he have a good time?” “It was good for both of us. It felt right. I had a really good time.” James couldn’t help but notice the big smile that Brick got hearing that. “And I hope all this means you’ve decided to stay in Lawder?” asked Jerry. “I’m not going anywhere, Jerry.” “I’m glad to hear it. And I know a certain fourteen-year-old boy that will be thrilled to know you’re staying, too. He’s been moping around since he heard about this job interview. I hope you and Brick are up to being his big brothers, because... man... you’re in for it now!” James replied, “Well, you can let him know we’ll both be here for him whenever he wants.” “Oh, hell, no!” said Jerry crossly. “You get your queer ass over here and tell him yourself, boy.” James gave in. “Ok, ok. Yeah, that would be good. I think you’re right that I should tell him in person.” “Good! You know you two mean a lot to me,” said Jerry. “I’m glad this finally happened. I’m just sorry it took this long for you two to figure out you should be together. I knew it months ago.”

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After breakfast, they went by Bea’s house so James could pick up Lindsey for the day while his mom was helping at the hospital. When they walked in the kitchen door, Bea was finishing cleaning up the breakfast plates. She started saying, “Well, there you are! I left you two messages last night asking how the job...” She stopped short, her eyes narrowed a little and she put her hands on her hips as she studied Brick and James.

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A smile eventually crept across her face, she looked at the two of them sideways, and she said, “Well, I, for one, am glad you’re not going out to LA, and I’m particularly glad that you two finally got your freak on.” Brick turned bright red and looked like he wanted to crawl under a rock. James stamped his foot on the ground, looked at Brick then back at his mom. “There is no way you can tell that just by looking at me!” exclaimed James. “And you have no business using phrases like ‘got your freak on’!” he added. Bea smiled radiantly at her son. “Honey, it’s written across both of your foreheads in big letters. I’m your mom and I can read it as plain as day.” Brick had stuck his finger in his ear to itch it some and was unable to look at Bea. He considered if he could get away with just running out the kitchen door. James was still not going to accept that. “No, there is no way you can tell that just...” His mom walked over to him and interrupted him. She kissed him on the cheek and said, “Don’t be ridiculous. A mother can tell.” She kissed Brick on the cheek, too, embarrassing him even more. She said, “And you, Kevin. Stop acting all embarrassed, like you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just as much my son as James is and I’ve wanted this for the both of you for quite a while.” She stood back and just looked at the two of them, deeply pleased to finally see the day arrived she had secretly hoped for. She went back over to James and hugged him hard. “Tell me yourself, though. It’s true. You’re not going to move away, are you?” “No, mom, I’m going to stay. I’ve got the best things that ever happened to me here, and I’m finally smart enough to not leave all that behind.” Bea’s eyes started welling up some. “It makes me so happy to hear that. It’ll make more people than you realize happy to hear it. You two are right together. You’ll make a great couple.” James moved behind Brick and put his arms around his middle and pulled him close. He kissed him on the neck. “Well, I’ll be damned. You’re the only person I’ve ever been with that she’s approved of!”

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Brick had gotten quieter as the evening wore on and seemed something along the lines of shy. James ran his hand along Brick’s forearm. “Ok, I’m getting a vibe here. You ok?” Brick nodded, but said, “Yeah. Well, I think. I’m just not sure. I really like what you said earlier. I’ve wanted to jump your bones all night, but I don’t want to be too pushy, either. I don’t want to smother you. I don’t have any experience with this.” “That’s it?” asked James. Brick looked downright sheepish and nodded. James gave Brick a pretend exasperated look. He lifted Brick’s arms and rested them on his shoulders so he could step forward into the embrace. He explained, “I love you. I love you in a way that I’ve never felt about anybody, including Ian. As far as I’m concerned, I belong to you now and you can touch me or jump my bones any time you want, any way you want!” Brick smiled from ear to ear. “Did you really mean it earlier when you said I was white hot?” James nodded. He reached out and ran his hand through Brick’s hair. He said, “And the fact that you’re completely unaware of it makes you even more attractive.” “Do you think your mom is really ok with us being together?” “Are you kidding me? She’s thrilled!” There was a pregnant pause and Brick bit at his lip.

Brick asked, “Can I call you Jimmy?” James tried to stifle his grin, but said, “You can call me anything you want.” Brick asked, the grin on his face spreading, “Can I call you Jimmy-Queer-Bait?” James stepped forward the rest of the way, pressing himself against Brick and wrapping his arms tightly around him. He said, right before kissing Brick, “Don’t push your fucking luck, buster.”

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Chapter 42

James dropped the bales of pine straw and stopped long enough to wipe the sweat off of his face. The heavy air of June and aggressive sun was beating down on him mercilessly, and his green Montgomery Landscaping t-shirt was soaking wet. He took a swig out of his water bottle and then went to go get a few more bales from the truck, passing Roddy carrying several bales himself. The work may have been very physical, but one thing he loved about it was that he was able cancel his membership at the gym. That and the fact that he could eat just about as much of whatever he wanted these days without having to worry about it. He glanced over at Brick, who was getting three or four others going on laying some new sod at the retirement home they had recently started servicing. He had actually worried that working so closely with Brick would get old or awkward pretty quickly once they had officially become an item over three weeks earlier. But it hadn’t. It felt more just like working closely with his best friend than it did someone he was dating. But maybe that was the difference. In so many ways, his relationship with Brick was grounded in what was now a very deep friendship. The last three weeks had truly been pretty great. And not just because of his new relationship with Brick. A week earlier, James had gone to court with his mother and Lindsey to have the adoption finalized. Once and for all. Lindsey officially became his little sister. Going into it, it was just an administrative step they needed to take, but James was shocked at how emotional he wound up feeling at the end. The thought that Lindsey was firmly a member of his family now meant so much more to him than he would have imagined. When it was final and he hugged Lindsey, he could see in his mother’s knowing smile that she knew how much Lindsey meant to James. James told his mother to “Shut up” without any further elaboration, but his mother just laughed. Cory, too, was excited to hear that James was going to stay in Lawder after all. Cory had done something very special, and Jerry insisted it was entirely Cory’s idea. He took James out to lunch one Saturday and gave him a very heartfelt apology for saying all the

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nasty things about James he had said. James felt like he really had earned a friend for life by sticking by his promise to Cory. Cory loved having two big brothers that shared his darkest secret and that he could be totally unguarded around, ones that he knew his mom and dad trusted totally, and he wanted to spend as much time as he could with James and Brick. James and Brick had even talked about just giving Cory a part time job if he wanted one so he could be around and help out. In fact, James was going to talk to Cory about it the next day since they had planned to go out and throw the Frisbee around for a while, anyway. James and Roddy got the last of the pine straw bales out of the truck, just as Brick was walking up, one finger in his ear scratching it. “Uh, y’all, those last ten bales stay in the truck. They’re for Mrs. Phillips.” “Shit!” said James and Roddy at the same time. James looked at Roddy, and without a word between them, they took their right hands out and played a round of Rock- Paper-Scissors. James’ scissors was roundly beaten by Roddy’s rock, and he sniped at Roddy, “Fuck you!” while Roddy just laughed at him. James started hauling the pine straw back to the truck. He yelled at Roddy, “You could at least bring me a cold bottle of water!!” He threw the first two bales back into the truck when his cell phone started ringing. He wiped his hands off on his khaki pants and took his phone out of his pocket and saw that it was his mother calling. James answered, but it wasn’t his mother’s voice. “Hey, James,” said the voice. James immediately didn’t like the serious tone to it. “I don’t know if you remember me or not, but this is Dr. Sykes at the hospital. I have some bad news for you.” James suddenly got a lump in his throat. Dr. Sykes continued, “It’s your mother, James. We believe she’s had a stroke.” James went pale. “A... what?” “A stroke. Now, don’t panic... she’s ok, and we think it was probably a very mild one. And she was here at the hospital at the time, so you couldn’t possibly hope for a quicker response than she got from the nurses and doctors here. I think it would be best if you came on over, James. Again, she’s doing fine, but just come on over to the ICU.” James hung up the phone and stood there frozen for a moment, his eyes staring off blankly, his mouth hanging open slightly. For whatever reason, he remembered the day, when he was small and sitting at the big farmhouse table in the kitchen, that his mother told him that his daddy wouldn’t be coming home. It was when he left home and abandoned James and his mother. But his mother assured him that it was okay because she’d always be there. It’d be the two of them. She’d always be there. James was so lost in the memory that he didn’t notice both Brick and Roddy running up to him.

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Brick was almost starting to panic seeing the look on James’ face. He put his hands on either side of James’ head. “Jimmy, what’s going on? You ok? What was the call, Jimmy? Who was on the phone?” James snapped out of the memory, and looked at Brick in a daze. He put his hand on Brick’s shoulder, “It’s my mom. They think she’s had a stroke, but maybe mild. Hopefully mild. I, uh, need to get to the hospital.” His words were vague and weak as he spoke them. James focused quickly, though. “Brick, I’m going to need you to go with me.” Brick nodded gravely. He said, “Roddy, can you keep everyone on track to finish up here?” Roddy nodded. Fortunately, James had brought his own car that day since he needed to run by his mother’s house that morning. On their way to the hospital, James described exactly what Dr. Sykes had said, and then Brick called Jesus, who was at another location, to explain the situation to him. Finally, he called Melena. He explained what was happening and asked if she could keep Lindsey for a little while longer until they could swing by later to get her. Brick reached over and put his hand on the back of James neck, comforting him on the way over to the hospital.

Over the next few days, his mother did so well recovering that they sent her home from the hospital. Dr. Sykes was very pleased to find that all of the effects of the stroke seemed to have evaporated and he expected Bea to make a complete recovery from it. The only troubling aspect of it was that they couldn’t seem to tell exactly what had caused it. Her first night back in her own house, Bea took it easy and let James handle most everything. He cooked them a nice meal, then let Bea go and tuck Lindsey into bed for the night. But then James insisted his mother go to bed herself to rest. In her room, as she settled in for the night, Bea said to her son, “Thank you for everything, James.” “It’s nothing, mom. Zee’s easy to handle, and you know I like to cook,” he said sitting on the edge of her bed. He quipped, “Plus, you know I’m better than you at it.” His mom’s expression fixed for a moment before she said, “I’m not talking about tonight, sweetie. It’s for everything. For being here for Lindsey. And for being here for me.” She smiled, “And thanks for being there for Kevin as well. To think how close he came to quitting because you hated him so much when you moved back!” James put his hand on her shoulder and she put her hand on his. “I’d be lying,” she added after a pause, “if I said that this doesn’t scare me some. But you being here means more to me than you can ever imagine. This would have been much scarier for me if you were still up in New York.” James looked at his mother, and decided it was time. “I’d like to tell you about someone in New York,” he said. And he told his mother the full story of what happened in New York that drove him back to Lawder. It was much less emotional this time than when he told Brick, and he wasn’t telling her to get sympathy or make her feel bad, but it was time for her to know. And James realized, as he told the story to her, that he had healed. It really didn’t weigh on him like it once had. The emptiness he had felt when he first left New York was gone. Time had passed. And he had friends and family, and Brick, now. When James finished telling the story, his mother had a few tears leaking out of her eyes. But James said to her, “I miss Ian, but things have turned out alright. I’m happy here. And no one’s more surprised to hear me say that than me!” And that made his mother laugh a little, despite the tears in her eyes. She said, “I’m sorry, James, that you had to go through all of that. But Kevin is a good man. You are happy with him, aren’t you?”

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James chuckled, “Again, no one’s more surprised to hear me say this than me, but I am. He’s every bit as good a person as Ian was, probably more so. He’s wound up being one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.” She smiled and held her son’s hand in hers. She said, “Good.”

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Chapter 43

James stood in front of the assembled crowd, all eyes glued to him. His mind wandered, though, to what brought him to this point. There had been so much change in his life — some at his choice, but so much thrust upon him. The place where he found himself was so completely different than what he would have chosen. And yet he couldn’t deny, taking the good and the bad, he felt home. All roads led to where he was, and fighting it would have been the undoing of himself. The loss along the way was hard to take, but it was a core part of him. He wouldn’t be himself without it. Just as the family and love he had gained along the way were a part of him. Something that made him bigger, something that extended him beyond what he was in isolation. He scanned the faces watching him. Brick was there, wearing a tie for only the second time James had seen him wear one. One that he even had to help Brick put on. Jerry was there, in his dress uniform, along with Carrie Anne and Cory. Roddy, Jesus, Melena, Rosie, Amos, Agnes, and every single other employee from Montgomery Landscaping was there. There was almost every employee of the hospital not actively working at that moment. And then at least a hundred additional people from the community, some that James recognized and many that he did not. The crowd before him, seated in rows of folding chairs was larger than James would have ever imagined, but that didn’t really scare him. Lindsey, though, standing nervously next to him in her pretty pink dress, was clearly nervous about being in front of all the strange people. She was halfway hiding behind James and halfway peeking out at everyone. He finally shook himself out of his reverie and began, “I think that everyone here today realizes that what we’re here to do, is pretty fundamentally a betrayal of Beatrice Montgomery... Bea... my mother.” He smiled warmly and continued, “We clearly have to sneak around behind her back to make this happen, or she wouldn’t have ever allowed it. Anyone that knows...

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knew... my mother understands the truth of that statement.” The crowd laughed appreciatively, clearly agreeing with James. “But despite the fact that we would all suffer her displeasure if she were here for this, it’s fitting to have this as a reminder, as a community memory, of the lesson that she put forth for all of us by her service here at the hospital. That family is something more than just what you’re born into. That family is something you make by caring. By giving of yourself to others. By sticking by those that need you.” James looked down pointedly at Lindsey still standing next to him holding his hand. He picked her up and kissed her on the cheek. “That family is more important than everything else in the world.” He paused. “So, in spite of how my mother would have felt about all of this fuss today, I would like to thank you. Thank you for the “Beatrice Montgomery Children’s Care Center”. On behalf of Lindsey and myself, thank you for remembering Bea, our mother, and what she did for all of us for so many years.”

James walked across the field towards the magnolia tree, Brick patiently waited for him. Before he got there, Kicker noticed James in the distance and romped through the grass to greet him, snuffling his crotch and licking his hand before leading him back to the magnolia tree where Brick was standing. The sun was hot, the sky dotted with thick clouds passing slowly, but there was a slight breeze playing across the field. James grabbed Brick, embracing him tightly, and they held each other and kissed, the comfort of being with each other needing no words. The quiet of the field on a late summer afternoon — this tree that had come to mean so much to the two of them — all the setting they needed. James had found that there was almost no anxiety or fear that couldn’t immediately be allayed just through touching Brick, by a simple confirmation that Brick was there for him. Brick said, running his hand through James’ hair, “I thought maybe after another afternoon of all those people at the hospital, you’d like a little peace and quiet.” James traced his finger down Brick’s nose, across his mustache and lips, and down the whiskers on his chin. He leaned forward, touching his forehead to Brick’s. “Nobody knows me like you do.”

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Brick sat down in the shade of the magnolia tree, his back up against the thick trunk. James sat down between Brick’s legs and leaned back against him so Brick could wrap his arms around him. “I’m still not used to being able to do this,” admitted Brick, gripping James tightly. “I hope I don’t ever get used to it.” James closed his eyes and relaxed for a little while, feeling like he could slow his breathing down for the first time in weeks. Kicker came over from exploring and lay down next to them, his back against them, panting contentedly. The butterflies and dragonflies darted around in the still air above the top of the knee-high grass out across the field. A hawk flew above the treeline at the far edge of the field, riding the summer sky effortlessly. James sighed heavily. Brick said, “I miss her, too, Jimmy. She was something else, that’s for sure.” James looked down, dejected. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, though. She was supposed to see Lindsey grow up, to be a mother to her,” he said. “Maybe. But she had a gift. She had you back. She knew everything was in good hands.” James sighed, “But I’m not her. She always just knew how to handle everything. How to raise a child. How to run the business. It was all so easy for her. I don’t know what I’m doing with any of this.” James couldn’t see it, but Brick smiled. “I’m here with you all the way. You can blame me if it goes wrong.” James couldn’t help but smile himself. He said, “I plan to.” He ran his fingers along Bricks’ outstretched legs, then up under the open end of his short pants. James wondered at how his life had led him to this place. A year ago, the life he now had would have been laughable to him. It would pretty much be something he would have ridiculed others for wanting, and been completely derisive of anyone suggesting this life for him – raising a five year old child, running a landscaping business, settled into a small town, and deeply in love with the person that had been his greatest source of pain growing up. But here he was, in exactly that situation. He had suffered loss and breakdown of everything he thought was right for his life in New York, and was now thrust into everything he never would have wanted. But despite some of the painful losses that helped put him here, he was happy with it. He felt at home. He felt content with it. And he was finding out there was an awful lot to be said for simple contentment. But not quite fully content, not yet. His life was getting back to some sense of normalcy after the loss of his mother, but there was another change that needed to be made. He had been thinking about it some over the last several weeks, in the middle of the tumult with everything else going on, but he had saved it. He had held onto it until things were a little quieter and the time was right. And the time felt right.

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James finally said to Brick, “I don’t think our lives are done being disrupted, though.” He could feel Brick tense slightly as he said it, but he just couldn’t resist the urge to be a little over-dramatic about it. Brick asked, “Oh?” James nodded. “Yeah. This time yours, though.” “Mine?” James reached over and rubbed Kicker’s belly. He said through a smile, “Yeah. Well, yours and Kicker’s, that is. I want you to move in with me. I want you in my life full- time. Sorry... Lindsey and I want you in our lives full time.” James heard Brick exhale and relax again. Brick pulled his arms a little tighter around James’ middle and he kissed him on the back of his head. “Thanks. I didn’t want to push. I wanted you to want it.” Brick chuckled, shaking James gently in the process. “God knows I do!” Brick pressed his lips against the back of James’ head again, inhaling deeply. He said, “All those years wondering if I’d ever have something like this was worth it.” Then he added, “This moment alone was worth it.” They sat in silence, James, Brick and Kicker, together. James closed his eyes and felt Brick behind him, his arms around him. He wanted the feeling to never end. A moment later he opened his eyes and noticed that a large dragonfly had landed on the toe of his shoe, resting from the heat of the sun in the shade of the magnolia tree. It made James think of Ian and the dragonfly in the crystal block. And in the end, this moment, the real thing was better. Together they watched the sun make its way down, James nuzzling his lips and nose across Brick’s arm. James agreed with what Brick had said — it was worth it.

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Epilogue — Four Years Later

James looked out from the front porch of his house, out over his front yard and out to Franklin Road. The air was still thick and damp in the late summer heat, even late in the evening. The crickets were out, though, singing a summer song. From inside the house and mingling with the sound of the crickets, he could still hear the remnants of the last few people at the party and the music still playing. James sat down on the front step, not really looking at anything in particular. He was starting to feel funny, a little unsettled. The party had been a lot of fun, and everyone had enjoyed the food James and Melena had put together for it, but now that most people had dwindled down, he was forced to face this feeling. And he didn’t really want to face it. He had thought about going inside and making himself busy trying to start cleaning up to distract from it, but he didn’t want to rush the few remaining people off, either. Leading up to the party over the last few weeks, he’d kept busy, but on the edge of his mind, when his attention wasn’t fully occupied, he knew he’d feel this way. Prior to the party, he could ignore the sadness building in him and pretend it wasn’t there. But the party gave it a certain concrete finality. It wasn’t that the party was a bad idea – he wouldn’t have traded doing this for Cory for anything in the world. It was just that he was going to miss him very badly, and the day Cory would be leaving for college was almost upon him. Everyone from Montgomery Landscaping had come out for the party to say goodbye to Cory now that he wouldn’t be working there part time anymore and to wish him well as he started college. Everyone was rooting for him, too, beyond that. Cory had gotten a full athletic scholarship in baseball, and his pitching skills were already having more than a few people talk of a major league career. Even as a senior in high school, Cory could reliably pitch a fastball over ninety miles per hour. As James understood it, that was very good. Several of those people talking were scouts that had already come to see him play in Lawder High games. They all seemed to be uniformly impressed. James

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didn’t know enough to know if that was realistic or not, but Jerry was so proud of his son, he could just about pop. He could hear Jerry’s loud laugh inside even now. James was proud of Cory’s impressive pitching skills, too. But mostly he was just proud of how Cory had turned out. Despite the rocky start at first, four years ago, Cory had filled out into a man in more ways than one. He had gotten much bigger, just like his father — tall and with wide shoulders and a very strong upper body — but he had his mother’s dimples and slightly softer features. He had turned into a remarkably good- looking young man. More important than the physical aspects of manhood, what really made James proud was the kind of person Cory had turned into. He was kind and thoughtful, hard-working, loyal, and every other good character trait he had picked up from Jerry and Carrie Anne. Over the years, he had become something of a surrogate little brother to James and Brick. Ever since James had helped Cory come out, they had become very close, which made his impending move very hard to stomach. It made James’ insides tie up in knots as he thought about it. A car pulled up in front of the house and James watched as Jason got out. Jason was Cory’s best friend in high school — one of the few people Cory had trusted with the truth about being gay. It had started out almost as a disaster. Cory had actually developed quite a crush on Jason during his freshman year in high school. Jason was shy and sensitive, and Cory was smitten by him. He wound up falling prey to the stereotypes and thought that, for sure, Jason had to be gay. He got so wound up in it he asked Jason out on a date, and naturally, Jason turned out to not be gay at all. In fact, Jason got a little freaked out by the fact that Cory liked him. Cory felt awful about his bad assumption, but Jason was a great kid, got past it, and even wound up just taking it as a compliment. It wasn’t often that someone like him would attract the interest of one of the most popular jocks in high school. The two wound up becoming best friends and Cory loved having a straight friend like Jason who he could be honest with. Jason walked up the front step and greeted James, “Hey, Jimmy. Is Cory still here? I thought I’d better stop by to check and make sure he showed up at the other party tonight. Kaitlynn will kill him if he doesn’t show up.” Kaitlynn was the girl that Cory wound up “dating” in high school. Lawder being Lawder, and after much discussion between him, Jerry, Carrie Anne, James and Brick, Cory had decided to stay mostly closeted during high school. Kaitlynn was Cory’s other good friend, the one other high school friend that knew he was gay. She offered to “date” Cory through high school to take the pressure off of him, plus they enjoyed spending time together, even if it was always just as friends. James said, “Yeah, Jason, go on in. He’s still in there. Help yourself to any of the food you want, too. Stay out of the beer!!” “I make no promises!!” countered Jason, always the smart-aleck. “Jerry’s still in there,” James warned him, knowing that would solve that problem. James thought Jason was adorable, and saw why Cory had developed a crush on him. Jason could be shy at first, but had a great sense of humor when you got to know him. “Aww, crap!” yelled Jason back at James as he went on in through the front door, and James could hear Cory loudly greeting him when he got inside.

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James went back to thinking how different it would feel to not have Cory around. Not at his part time job with Montgomery Landscaping, not at the baseball games that Cory almost always won for the Lawder Lions, and not at the other times when he, Brick and Cory (and oftentimes Jerry) just hung out together. He had turned into a wonderful big brother to Lindsey as well. He was already feeling empty, and Cory was not even thirty feet away from him. Of course, Lindsey being almost ten years old at this point meant James had plenty to occupy his time there. And Brick was always there by his side, the grounding force in his life no matter what else happened. But he didn’t like losing any of the people that had become so important to him. He blanched at the word, and it irritated him. He wasn’t losing Cory. Cory was just moving away to college. But he couldn’t help but feel like he was losing him. He hated losing Cory and he hated that he was feeling this way about it. A few moments later, the front door opened again, and everyone who had been left inside poured out onto the front porch and front yard – Cory, Jason, Jerry, Carrie Anne, Lindsey, Brick, and even Kicker. Lindsey and Kicker immediately started chasing each other around the front yard. James stood up, a little embarrassed to be caught outside by himself like this. Cory came up to him, grabbed him around his waist and lifted him up in a hug and spun around with James in his arms. Cory’s six foot three inch frame made this surprisingly easy for him to do now. Cory said as he spun James around, “Thanks, Jimmy! You’re the best, you know that?” James found that he couldn’t reply. He couldn’t get any words out. He looked at Cory helplessly, doing his best to not start crying all of a sudden. Cory set him down and looked at him suspiciously for a moment. He knew James well at this point, and he pulled James into a much more sincere hug. He whispered into James’ ear, “Would you stop being such an old lady? I’m not going far. You know as well as I do that you and Brick and Zee will always be a huge part of my life. Ok?” Cory gave James a sweet kiss on the cheek and ran his hands playfully through James’ hair, something that normally would have irritated James no end. But tonight, James let it happen without a word. Somehow, hearing Cory say these words almost made it harder to face this. Jason, already heading back out to his car, called after them, “Will you guys stop perving on each other? C’mon Cory, or you know Kaitlynn’s gonna kick your ass!” Cory ran over to Lindsey, grabbed her and threw her giggling and screaming over his shoulder. He said, “I’m takin’ Zee to the party... hope you don’t mind.” Lindsey yelled, “Cool! Can I go, really?” Cory said, trying to stir trouble up, “’Course you can! You’ll be our mascot tonight!” James watched helplessly, but Brick yelled out, “Uh-uhn! Sorry, Zee, high-schoolers only!”

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Lindsey let out a disappointed “Awww, Brick!!” Cory put Lindsey back down and said, “Sorry your uncle’s such an old fart, Zee. Sucks to be you!!” Cory ran on out over the front yard to catch up with Jason and called back to them, “Thanks, Brick! Thanks, Jimmy! I’m still around for a few more weeks so you’ll see plenty of me! And don’t forget your promise to me, Jimmy!” James liked being reminded of the promise – something he genuinely looked forward to, while simultaneously being very sensitive about wishing time away right at that moment. James had promised Cory to take him to New York for a wild weekend when he finally turned twenty-one and could go out to all the bars. He knew Cory would get a lot of attention in New York. James watched Cory and Jason get in the car and leave, and there was the sensation of having a dagger thrust into his heart. He felt two strong hands from behind him on his shoulders. He didn’t need to turn around to see who they belonged to. James said, “It’s killing me. I mean, it’s really killing me. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.” His voice was cracking as he said it. Jerry said, “It’s tough, I have to admit. I’ve had my moments where I’ve felt like I’d do anything to keep him in Lawder.” Brick came up to James and put his arms around him from the front while Jerry was still hugging James from behind. Carrie Anne was finally the one that broke what was becoming a morose mood. She said to the three of them, “Jerry, I swear to God, I wish you’d just go ahead and have a three-way with Jimmy and Brick and get it out of the way!” James, in spite of what he was feeling, turned red and started laughing. Jerry backed up, but played along, “Carrie Anne, I told you these fantasies were between you and me, dammit!” Even as the mood turned lighter again, James suddenly caught the emotion welling up in him and didn’t think he’d be able to hold it back. Brick, who knew James better than anyone, knew it was coming and was prepared. He turned James around to face the front door and started pushing him through it, “Ok, Jimmy. Party’s over. Everyone’s gone. I’ll kick Jerry and Carrie Anne out. You go inside right now and wait in our bedroom and I’ll be in there in a minute. I’ve got to get Zee to stop horsing around with Kicker and make her get ready for bed. Now, move it.” James was actually relieved to have Brick take over like this. He said, “Good night, Jerry and Carrie Anne. We’ll talk tomorrow! Thanks for coming tonight.” And with that he went inside to the bedroom that he and Brick had shared now for four years and broke down crying. James couldn’t hold it back to save his life. It wasn’t just Cory moving away that was making him feel this way. That was just what was happening right now. Before he knew it, Zee would be moving away too. Then getting married, and having her own life. It was all a very acute sense of time slipping away. Not in a bad way, not like any of it was

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being wasted. Quite the opposite. They were all good things right now. Things he didn’t want to end. Things he didn’t want to let go of. Even if he knew he must in the end. He looked over at the digital picture frame beside his and Brick’s bed. There was a photo of Zee at her ballet recital from a few years ago. Then a photo of James and Brick together on the Manhattan Bridge in New York – Brick had wanted to see the places from his life in New York, and so James had taken him there. There was a photo of Jerry’s friend Clay and his partner Aaron when they had come to visit. Clay was something else — quiet and reserved and yet extremely intense, but still a very kind person once he warmed up a little. Brick had commented to James that he would be less inclined to cross Clay than even Jerry. Aaron was quite the opposite — a small guy, extroverted and with a wild sense of humor. The next photo to pop up was the one of Cory sitting in between James and Brick at the pizza restaurant after the first baseball game of Cory’s that James had gone to. Cory seemed so much smaller then, even if he was as big as James in the picture. It just reflected how much bigger Cory had become since then. There was a photo, taken right after her first stroke, of James and his mother sitting on the front porch of the house with Kicker next to them – James and his mother both looking a little worn from the scare of the first stroke, but still blessedly unaware of what was yet to come. The next photo was a favorite of James’, and made him smile to see it. It was a picture of Zee, Cory, Jason, Brick and Jerry, all in dirty, tattered clothes and horrific zombie make-up. James and Carrie Anne had gotten all of them made-up for a Halloween party they had gone to the year before. They had all had a blast and played it for all it was worth at the party. Jerry and Brick were definitely quite a sight — and they had actually gone trick-or-treating after the party. If you had told people that that was the Lawder Chief of Police who had just been trick-or-treating at their house like an overgrown teenager, they never would have believed it. After that, there was a photo of Zee and Rosie and several other friends at a sleepover that they had hosted, the girls in the process of painting each other’s fingernails. The next picture was the picture, as far as James was concerned. It was the one that had actually changed his life at the last possible moment. It was the photo of James and Brick at the steak restaurant, with Brick looking intently at James. It was the photo that, on the way out to the job interview in L. A., had made James think for the first time that maybe Brick liked him as more than a friend. It was the photo that, when that thought crept into his mind, made him suddenly realize how much he wanted Brick to feel that way. He realized he wanted to mean the world to Brick. It was the photo that made him finally stop and look at what had been right there in front of him the whole time. He smiled at the thought that he probably owed Jerry a life debt for taking that picture and sending it to him. And even now, four years later, it made him feel something deep inside to see it.

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Even though he hadn’t heard a sound, James glanced back while still holding the photo frame in his hands, that very particular photo on the display, and saw Brick standing in the doorway watching him. Brick said very quietly, “I had such a ridiculous crush on you by that point. It downright hurt to be around you.” He came around the side of the bed where James was and sat down next to him. James put the photo frame back on the nightstand, then climbed around behind Brick. He put his legs around him and wrapped his arms around him. He kissed the back of Brick’s neck, not saying a word — just holding on to what he had in front of him. James sat in the room, in a house, in a town, with a family and in a life that he, for so long, never imagined wanting, but wound up with anyway. So glad he wound up with it anyway. So incredibly thankful he wound up with all of it. “You were right there, right in front of me, the whole time. You’re the grace in my life,” he said. He held onto Brick, glad he had looked closely and had seen what was there.