The next morning, Lucas and I awoke with a smile and a laugh, and packed up the campsite, preparing for the very long car ride ahead of us. We had just thrown the tent into the back of the car when it began to rain. Now I have to say, I love the rain. It's so beautiful and pure. It doesn't really make me sad, but it does throw me into a reflective state.
With that being said, I was pretty silent for a good amount of the trip. At one point I fell asleep to the sound of my Kelly Clarkson CD. I don't know how I did, because Lucas was singing along. Not saying that he's bad (he was actually pretty good), but how could I miss something so cute? Sadly I did fall asleep eventually, and I dreamed of the city.
It was New York. I was alone walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. There were no cars. There were no trains. There were no people. Just myself, the bridge and the skyscrapers of Manhattan. My knee was hurting, and I needed to get to a hospital.
It was cold out. I stuffed my hands into my pockets in an effort to keep them warm. I continued walking, keeping a "little engine that could" mentality going the whole way. Come on, almost there now, You can do it, just keep going. Stay strong, not too much farther now. The buildings grew gradually taller and their shadows darker. I now understood why there were no visible inhabitants; I could feel the air getting more frigid by the minute. It would soon be too bone- chilling to remain mobile. As soon as I stepped foot off the bridge, it collapsed behind me. I heard screaming and I ran, afraid of what had just happened. My locomotion was disabled due to the cold and I tripped on a curb.
When I stood back up I was no longer in New York. I was in a garden of cherry blossom trees, my favorite flower. It was raining terribly, savage thunder blasting above me, though there was no lightning. I walked over to one of the trees and began to climb it, but I was soon frightened by a bark of thunder and fell out of the tree, scabbing my already-injured knee on the bark. I winced in pain for a moment, then noticed that there was something etched into the tree. It was a neatly- drawn heart, with the words "Nick and" followed by "forever" written rather sloppily. The blood from my wound was covering the name of the mystery being.
"Nick..." Is it Lucas? I thought to myself. "Nick wake up... You're shaking." It has to be. It's him. It is. I opened my eyes
"Did you know that you're cute when you're asleep?" My heart fluttered for a bit, and I smiled a closed-mouth smile. I sat up, rubbed my eyes and almost jumped at the sight of it. New York City.
"Do you think we could stop?" I asked. I felt compelled to visit the Brooklyn Bridge after my dream. I had been to New York before, even been over the Brooklyn Bridge, but something was calling me to it.
"You want to?" he asked. I nodded curtly and tried to remember everything that happened in my dream, otherwise I wouldn't be able to retell it in the future. I hate it when that happens.
When we got to the bridge, we weren't allowed to drive or even walk over it because of maintenance problems. If that wasn't a scary coincidence, I don't know what was. So instead, we decided to go people watching in Central Park. Neither of us really pointed anybody out, but we had a really nice walk while we were there.
Lucas decided that our unplanned escapade had lasted long enough, and that we still needed to be home by the evening. I didn't really wanna leave, but just reminiscing about my dream changed my mind.
There's not much one can do in a car, other than sleep and talk, and I certainly wasn't going back to sleep. We talked about things ranging from what we think the moon is really made of to horny cats; the normal stuff (and yes I said normal). But the more we talked, the less there was to talk about and the more I realized that I was avoiding a certain topic that I knew would have to come up sooner or later.
However I didn't really want to talk about it right now. We sat in silence for a good amount of time, but it was getting awkward and I needed something to say. Reluctantly I brought up the topic that would most likely change the mood of the car from "awkward" to "even more awkward."
"We need to talk," I said as I thought to myself this is it.
"About?"
"You." I switched my gaze from my green eyes in the window to him, hoping that maybe he was looking at me, too. He wasn't. Then again, he was a safe driver. "I'm really confused about you..." I continued. "The way you act around me."
"What are you talking about?" he asked. Did I really have to explain this to him?
I went on to explain to him everything I thought about him, everything my brain told me to say and everything my heart knew I didn't want to say. He didn't say a whole lot, which made me all the more nervous that I had just blown my chance with a near-perfect man. I was right; things had gotten even more awkward.
"So then you're gay?" What a way to restart a conversation. I had stopped talking several minutes ago, and I didn't plan on answering his petty little question. "Don't worry Nick, it's cool," he said after I refused to speak. I climbed into the backseat and laid down on my side with my back to Lucas, where at least I didn't have to see those eyes taking a glimpse of me every now and again.
Those beautiful eyes... Those eyes that saw me every day. They saw my hopes, my dreams, my fears, and my pet peeves. They weren't oblivious to my self-consciousness and insecurity or to the desire locked inside my own eyes. They, themselves, had a slight shade of desire in them. Those eyes saw everything I am. They knew who I was, and so badly did I want to know who they were. What they desired so much. What they needed.
We would be home in a few hours. Meanwhile though, silent tears began sliding down the side of my face. I always liked to look at my eyes when I was crying. They change from a sort of greenish hazel to a more blueish hazel. He was my best friend. If I couldn't get him, I was convinced I couldn't get anybody. I didn't want to give up, but I felt there was nothing better to do. He was just a waste of my time, but not a waste of my tears. Weird how I could think something like that, but then again we all can be hypocrites at times.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked as I turned to face him and tried to calm myself down. I didn't want this relationship to end in total misery; the least I could do was try to remain friendly.
"How badly I want to kiss you," he replied. What an asshole.
"Don't lie," was my firm response. Was he trying to hurt me? He was silent. I decided to change the subject and hope that maybe he could drive faster. We had always been so comfortable around each other. I didn't want anything to change, but I might have already screwed that up.
When we eventually stopped for gas, I contemplated running away, thinking of what could happen if I did; I would find a little town on a hill, climb a tree and try to sleep. When I woke up, he would be at the bottom of the tree, waiting for me to wake up. Then I'd climb down, he'd hug me for hours and reveal his undying love for me.
Right... Besides, I knew I didn't have the balls to actually run away. The closest I'd ever come to running away was in middle school. I was sick, and my mother decided I didn't need to go see a movie with my friends even though it was a movie that I really wanted to see. As soon as she went to the bathroom, I put on my jacket, hat and gloves, got on my bike and rode to the movie theater.
And I didn't even get there before I got scared and went home. Not because of the distance (it was only about 2 miles), but I was very afraid of my punishment. I didn't get in trouble, somehow. Probably because I showed some sense and came home before I got too deep.
Which is what I was doing right now, showing sense and staying out of trouble. I looked out the back window at Lucas filling up the car. He looked pretty dazed. I took a peek at the price meter and nearly choked. I honked the horn to get Lucas' attention; he jumped and released the pump handle from his grip, followed by a curse word. He returned the pump to its home and walked into the store to pay.
I reached down to the floor of the backseat and picked up a book I had begun reading a few days earlier. I failed to notice Lucas walking back toward the car until he opened the driver's side door, and placed a small paper bag on my lap.
"Donuts," he said. "I figured you could use some cheering up, bud." There it was again. That word. Bud.
"Thanks," I spoke softly. You know, he really was a good guy. If this didn't prove it, I don't know what would. I reached inside and pulled out a chocolate glazed donut. My favorite.
You know how sometimes when you're reading, your mind starts thinking about something completely different, but you're still reading at regular (albeit noncomprehensive) speed? Yeah, that's exactly what started to happen to me at that time. I just couldn't help but think what I would be missing out on if I just gave up now. I mean, donuts as a "just friends" type offering was great and I loved it, but I just knew there had to be something more. What was going on behind those hazel eyes?
Oh yeah, my obsession with Kelly Clarkson definitely shows.
As I was saying, there had to be another motive behind his kindness... Right? Maybe I was over thinking it... But either way I was going to find out the truth.
That's when it happened. Lucas reached into the paper bag to get a donut and like a bug attracted to that strange light that would eventually lead to their doom, we were stuck. He swerved to the left doing a half donut, and it all flooded back to me as my side of the car crashes into a minivan.
I stepped off the Brooklyn Bridge and it collapsed behind me. I heard screaming, only this time I turn around instead of run, and he's falling. There's no way he'll survive, the impact will be too harsh. And just like the bug, one good hard smack and he's done.
There's more screaming, only this time it's mine, both in my vision and in real life. It all happened so slow, yet faster than anything I'd ever experienced in my life. The glass shattered, leaving cuts and scrapes on my face, but at this point I didn't feel anything but fear. As soon as our car stopped moving, Lucas jumped out and ran over to the minivan to see if everyone was alright, cursing loudly.
I got out of the car and started crying, finally realizing what had just happened. I threw myself at Lucas, crying on him while he ran his fingers through my hair. He was my height, so his shoulder was the perfect place for my to rest my head.
A middle-aged woman, the driver of the other car, climbed out and spoke to us. "Are you boys alright? You've been holding each other for a long time."
"Yeah," replied Lucas, "just in shock, but we're ok... Aren't we?" Upon saying that, he looked at me with glistening eyes. I just stood there for a moment, taking in every emotion he was spitting out at me. I had never seen him cry before.
"We're amazing."
Several days after the accident, we still found ourselves lost for much else to talk about. We relived it several times; I even told him about my dream as well as what I saw right before the collision, and how I was glad most of it didn't come true. I couldn't really complain though. The only tragedy that happened was the loss of Lucas' car. May she rest in peace.
"Did you know that you're beautiful when you cry?" I decided to be daring and bring up the topic that had become so uncomfortable the last time we talked about it. He moved his body over towards mine as if to "bump" me playfully.
There we were, sitting on a bench feeding ducks. Losers? Most definitely. But it was relatively quiet, and I liked it that way. We could talk without anyone hearing. He hadn't given much of a sign that he didn't like the topic, so I decided to go on with it.
"Actually, you're always beautiful," I said, lowering my head a bit. Then he took his hand and put it on my cheek, leaning in closer to me. Is this happening? I closed my eyes and then
"They're healing..." What? I opened my eyes and remembered my cuts from the glass. Ok, point taken.
"Yeah, they're coming along... I guess," I replied. I stood up and began to walk away. "So what are your plans for the weekend?" I would try again some other day.
We were walking close, the skin of his arm brushing up against mine every so often, our feet out- of-step with each other, and our hands in our pockets. It was a good ways from the park, and we were pretty worn out from the walk. We probably could have taken the bus, but I got selfish and wanted to spend alone time with him.
It was dark out. The moon was about half-full, and the stars were bright for the city. It was the perfect night to go stargazing; however tomorrow wasn't the perfect day to skip school. The darkness was a good thing, in my view anyways. It was almost sexy. It was me and my man, alone... In the dark.
Ok so he wasn't my man. But I still wanted him to be, and I couldn't help but think it. Anybody who had seen us might have thought we were together, but it was too dark for them to notice, I think. Another indication might have been that he was singing to me (which I also find wicked sexy), and unfortunately the dark doesn't deafen passers-by, too.
But I could live with their assumptions.
We stopped beside his mailbox and hugged. When I tried to break it, he didn't fully let go; he just kind of held me and stared.
"Remember when I said I wanted to kiss you?" he said to me, gently. My heart started beating faster. "It's still true," he continued, but he didn't move. He just looked at me with those eyes...
"Then do it," I replied nervously. He continued to stare at me, and for a moment it looked like he was going to. Almost like his mind was going back and forth, like the angel and devil you see on a character's shoulders in cartoons. He loosened his grip on me.
"I thought I said 'don't lie,' right?" I rebutted with a cold tone, "why don't you listen?" as I turned to walk away. I could see my breath for the first time this season, and the timing was the perfect reflection of how I felt inside. I began to cry stinging tears.
Like I said, the darkness doesn't deafen passers-by, but I didn't care this time. I was so heartbroken.
And I was so alone.