This is my first attempt at writing a story, so I'd appreciate feedback and comments; however, flames shall not be acknowledged, keep them to yourself. This is the first chapter of the story and I have mostly focused on a little characterization so don't expect any sordid sex just yet, you might get lucky on the second chapter though - so might Jeremy!
This story is intended for exclusive posting at the Nifty Archive, please respect my decision. Please do not read it if you know you mustn't.
You can reach me at blue_dude@hotmail.com Enjoy.
12 January 1999
Feelings
by Blueguy
I. Obsession and three wishes.
Rude rays of light broke into my bedroom as my alarm clock went off at 7 am. For a few moments, dreams lingered in my mind, and I tried to hold on to them, enjoying the soft murmur of the nearby sea. Soon enough, though, reality seeped in, the oppressive truth already familiar to me. Only two months had passed since my parents died in a plane crash, but it already seemed like a lifetime to me. So much had changed in those few weeks.
Sighing, I crawled out of bed, untangling my legs from the mass of rumpled blankets and headed to the bathroom. The sun shined through the skylights, but did nothing for my dark mood. Reluctantly I inspected myself in the mirror and the face that stared back was foreign to me. My brown hair looked dull and lanky, contrasting sharply with my pale complexion; eyes that had usually sparkled with unruly shades of green now looked deep brown, framed by dark undereye circles. Although I was barely 17, lines had started to form around my eyes and across my forehead, signs of recent pain. At 6' I stood tall and confident, however, the body I had once kept trim and muscular was starting to loose it's appeal. No surprise, as weeks had passed since my last jog. Not that I cared much about any of this. I stared thoughtfully into my eyes, remembering my mother's comments.
"The girls will flip," she'd say with a smile. I'd smile back, but quickly dismissed her words. Even though people frequently commented on my looks, I honestly never paid much attention to them. I don't consider myself a vain person. Plus, I didn't really care whether the girls found me attractive or not. It was the boys that mattered. My eyes quickly clouded over, and I impatiently wiped tears away.
After a quick shower I went into my wardrobe and tried to decide what to wear. Although I have never cared much about clothes, that day I figured I might as well try to look my best. Summer vacation was over and it was back to school now. I finally settled on blue pants, loose enough so the waistband of my boxerbriefs showed, a white tee-shirt and black Adidas sneakers.
Running into the kitchen I fixed myself a cup of bitter coffee from the gurgling percolator and immediately lit a cigarette. Yeah, Marlboro and Folgers were my best buddies these days, so was Jack Daniels. "Quite screwed up for a 17 year old," I mused. Sighing I snatched my tote bag and headed off to another year of school.
"You OK Jeremy?," asked Jason, my best friend.
"Sure," I replied, smiling bravely; I hate being weak, especially in front of others. His clear green eyes looked at me sympathetically. I had known Jase forever, he was the most important person in my life. Our mothers had been high school buddies and I guess we were carrying on with the tradition. I trusted him more than anyone else in the world, but I still hesitated to show any emotion.
"You can tell me, you know," he said as he steered through traffic. I looked at him, and his presence was comforting. His honey blond hair gleamed in the sun, brushing his broad shoulders; the tight tank top he wore hugged taut flesh, rippling over his firm abs. Tufts of dark hair peeked mischievously from his armpits, soft and musky. I knew that underneath the fabric of his baggy shorts lay a medium-sized dick, nestled between big balls; Jase never wore underwear. Yep, he was a babe. We had had oral sex for the first time when we were both 13 -- I was still a virgin in the anal department -- and had done it regularly until the previous year. Then Jase decided he was bi and started dating girls. I didn't really mind, he was still my friend and I could always turn to him; my love for him was brotherly rather than sexual. Plus, we still hugged and kissed sometimes, maybe when one (or both) of us needed it and that's all I wanted from him: I consider friendship as way more important than sex, and felt lucky to have Jason as my best buddy. So far his relationships with girls had gone nowhere, and that made me sad. They didn't know what they were missing.
"Yeah, I know kiddo. Thanks".
"No problem." Jase had suffered at least as much as I had when my parents died. His hardly saw his own parents as his old man was a pilot and his mom a flight attendant. I had always kind of shared my own parents with him, he had called them "mum" and "dad' even; when they died, a part of Jase had gone with them, but he never let it show, he had swallowed his own pain to rescue me from my own.
"Actually, you're looking a bit better now. More lively. More like the cutie I once knew," he said naughtily as he parked at the far end of the school lot.
"Shut up, asswipe," I giggled, blushing.
"But it's true! You do look better. Good enough to eat." And with this he pounced onto my lap and started tickling me mercilessly.
"Get off!," I protested as I laughed. "Stop it, Jase, STOP!" Of course my complaints were unsuccessful so I started tickling him back, brushing my fingertips over his velvet armpits, feeling his strong chest shudder. Soon we were both exhausted and out of breath, sweaty in the hot day. Jason was still sitting on my lap, grinning goofily. He glanced down at my crotch and raised an eyebrow.
"So, you did enjoy that, huh? Part of you did anyways," he laughed happily.
"Look who's talking," I retorted, placing my hand between his legs and feeling his hard cock underneath the cloth. Deftly, I undid his zipper and let my fingers slide into his shorts; I gently tugged at his curly pubic hair, making my way to his throbbing shaft. I rubbed him lightly and he groaned.
"Hmm, what would Karen think of this?" I teased. It had been almost a year since I had last touched him there, and it still felt good. Karen was Jason's latest girl, a bleached blond whom -- in my personal opinion -- only wanted to get laid with him. She still hadn't managed though and I was glad, she didn't deserve him. Feeling his large cockhead pressing against my palm, I sighed, withdrawing my hand. "We agreed," I reminded myself. Still, I was reluctant. He was so hot.
"Karen who?," he joked. "Seriously though, I don't mind a little action, it's just that I want to give my straight side a shot. But that's hard to do with you around." He winked.
"It's OK, we've been through this and I'm cool with it. I'd be so happy if you found a gal who did it for you. Just remember that, when it gets right down to it, there's nothing like a man." I was only half joking. I meant the first bit. Really. I wanted him to be truly happy.
"I may be wasting my time. Deep down, I know you'll always be my babe," he said, and pecked me lightly on the lips. A wave of emotion surprised me and I hugged him tightly. He returned my embrace, and we just hung on to each other for a while; I felt like a child, resting my chin on his strong shoulders. Tears brimmed around my eyes so I shut them tightly; Jase, however, sensed my struggle and sighed.
"It's OK J. I know you don't like to seem weak, but you know better than trying to pretend when you're with me. I know you too well."
I remained silent, and Jason sighed again.
"Look, just know that I'll always be here for you, okay?"
"Right," I smiled tightly. Jason looked straight into my eyes, and I could feel pain in those deep green pools. I looked away guiltily. I had always been myself around Jase, but since the accident I had withdrawn even from him.
Reality kicked in.
"Shit, we're gonna be late. Let's get going," I checked my watch, letting go of him. Jason looked at me one more time before getting out. I knew he was hurt, but I couldn't afford to break down. Not now. Looking around, I was relieved to confirm that nobody had seen our little romp. Good.
"Hey dude, we can go to the beach later if you like. Go skinny dipping. That is, if there's any of you left after Karen gets hold of you," I said, trying to lighten his mood.
"Maybe," he replied, looking down. Fine.
Walking down the hall, we were soon joined by Karen. Actually, that's an understatement. She spotted Jase from the very end of the hallway and sprinted towards him like a lovesick rabbit, waving her hands in the air and squealing like a pig. She toppled into him, practically ending up on the floor. Geez.
"Wheee, it's, like, so totally great to see you. Where have you been these days, like, did the earth swallow you?," she babbled. Spotting me, she visibly tried to pull herself together. "Oh hi, Jeremy, so look, I'm like so sorry about your parents. Jasi-pooh told me all about it and I, like, couldn't believe it. So sorry." She fluttered her eyelashes and looked at me expectantly.
"Erm, yeah, thanks Karen. You're very kind," I blurted, glancing at Jase: he was still staring at the floor. Honestly, what did he see in her. "Excuse me. I'd better be going. See you around Karen. Jase, I'll catch you later, OK. Bye." I turned around and walked to class.
To my dismay, word about the accident had spread quickly enough; I soon got tired of people whispering as I walked by, their eyes on me all the time. I felt extremely uncomfortable as people I barely knew came up to me and offered support; I just smiled at them.
Jase had football practice after class, so I decided to walk home. I stopped by The Blue Room, a little self-service cafe near home which I regularly frequented when I needed to be alone. I paid for a cup of coffee and, snatching a couple of newspapers from the counter, made my way towards the back of the cafe. It was almost deserted except for a few businessmen babbling into mobile phones and some girl I vaguely remembered seeing in class; she sized me up suggestively and licked her lips. Ignoring her, I quickly made my way to a corner booth at the back of the cafe; I sat down and turned to the newspaper. Soon my mind started wandering.
This was my last year of school and had better figure out what I wanted to do with myself. I was used to good grades in all subjects, that was not a problem, but I still didn't have a clue about what I wanted to study in college. I had been terribly depressed for the past few months, but I figured I'd better grab the reins sometime soon if I was to get on with my life. Mostly, though, I felt alone. I needed someone in my life, more desperately than I cared to admit. I do not consider myself a dependent person (I like to think so, anyway) but at that time I felt sick of being by myself. I knew it was stupid, but I needed to give love, I had to fill the gap my parent's death had left in my life.
Sure, I had Jason, but he was just a friend (despite the frisky little episode that morning, I managed to smile), a brother even. I'd rather have him as a friend than a lover, even though those two terms should be synonyms. Plus, he seemed to be pretty serious about giving girls a chance (bleh!, in my opinion), and I respected his decision. I also knew that it would probably be in our best interests to get out, get to know new people.
Only problem: I tend to be defensive, I don't particularly like letting anyone get close to me in an emotional sense. I know I'm a complicated person. I always try to hide my true feelings, pretending to be calm, cool and collected when deep inside I'm boiling with confusion and passion. I don't really know why I do it, I just can't help myself; I very rarely open up to people. Jase had always been the person I shared myself with, but right then I was reluctant to let even him in because I didn't want to hurt him. Believe me when I say that I know of the power of my inner demons; when I feel invaded, I lash out without considering the consequences.. Some people think I'm cold and unfeeling, but that's far from the truth; just because I prefer to hide my true feelings doesn't mean I don't care, deep down I'm too afraid of being hurt yet again. But that tends to keep most people away from me.
The coffee was nearly gone when I sensed someone approaching; I sighed, expecting the girl from class. I was wrong.
I had never seen him in school. He was quite tall, 6'2" maybe. Extremely light blond hair sparkled in the dim light; at medium length, it looked slightly messy, with longish strands that brushed his forehead, framing the most beautiful face I had ever seen. His skin was slightly tanned with a peachy glow, and it looked soft and smooth, healthy. His eyebrows were perfect arches, and a shade darker than his hair; I couldn't make out the color of his eyes, but I was guessing blue. His jeans looked faded and well-worn, a white tee-shirt covering his thin upper body; no bulging muscles there, but certainly that did not matter to me. He was truly gorgeous.
My heart raced as I looked at him for seconds that stretched painfully. I couldn't think, my breath caught as he glanced around, biting his lower lip. Our eyes met for a short moment -- very blue -- before he looked away and sat at a table not far from mine. I just gawked.
Unaware of my wantonness, the guy sipped his drink. He seemed to be a million miles away, staring off into space, apparently lost in thought. There was something about him I couldn't quite place, he radiated vulnerability, seemingly unaware of his physical beauty and the exterior world. He was probably a year younger than me, but he seemed to be strangely confident. He was an image of innocence and, at the same time, of extreme composure, a reflection of contrasts. Or maybe it was just me.
Tearing my eyes away from him, I lit a cigarette and tried to breathe normally. I couldn't believe the way in which this guy affected me. I felt incredibly childish, falling for someone in the space of twenty seconds. Still, I couldn't help myself.
"Please, let's not get out of hand here" my self-defense mechanism promptly kicked in. "Honestly, how can you be so immature. Stop acting like some pre-pubescent girl and collect yourself." Right. I tried to return my attention to the newspaper. Better. After reading the same line three times, I peeked out of the corner of my eyes just as he turned my way, apparently leaving his dream world for a moment. Our eyes met again, and locked. Blushing deeply, I looked away as I tried to stop my fluttering heart from beating it's way out of my chest. Frantically, I picked up the paper and hid behind of it. So much for being cool. These feelings were a first for me.
After a couple of minutes I worked up the nerve to look at him again. Casually glancing around, I discovered that he had finished his coke and was getting up. My heart plummeted as he walked out without looking back. At the same time I couldn't help noticing his great ass. My spirits sank as my mouth watered, I drank up his incredible body and at the same time chided myself for being so lame. My mind and my senses bubbled in confusion. I didn't know whether to sit there and finish reading, pretending that nothing had happened or to run after him and throw myself at his feet. "Control" I thought. Yeah right. I sat still for maybe half a second before bolting up and chasing after him. Too late. He was gone.
Swearing to myself, I stood outside the cafe for a few moments. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have made up an excuse to talk to him, at the very least find out his name. I'd probably never see him again, not very surprising with my luck. Not that it mattered, as I'd probably scare him away the moment I opened my mouth.
My mood got even worse when I got home and discovered that there was no one there. Then I remembered the accident, something that had been pushed to the back of my mind as soon as I first lay my eyes on Mr. Someone. My older sister, Chloe, officially was my guardian; in reality I hadn't heard from her for ages, the last time I'd seen her was at the funeral. Chloe had moved down to California -- she wanted to be an actress -- when she was only 15, never cared much about my parents; at 23, she'd already been married once, her life a bigger mess than my own. She did know about me being gay, and approved; I admit I love her, she always cared about me, and trusted me enough to let me live alone (her mistake). She checked on me once in a while, and sent money. Not that I needed it, my parents had been quite well off and I had access to a bank account that had been set up after the accident.
After I managed to burn my dinner, I grabbed a bottle of whisky and went up to the widow's walk on the third floor of the house, feeling worse than ever. The sky was dark with thick clouds and night, thunder rumbling in the distance. I looked at the sea, boiling violently hundreds of feet below me. I wondered what it would be like to fall, never have to feel again. I closed my eyes and was relieved when I saw those blue eyes in my mind. Rain started pouring down, mingling with uninvited tears that traced my cheeks. Alone, I was able to let go, be my true self. I kept picturing that angelic face, those lost eyes. I moaned to myself, feeling miserable. I wept quietly, remembering my parents. How could everything gone so wrong?
After a while I opened my eyes. Most of the whisky was gone, so I dropped the glass over the railing and watched as it smashed on the rocks below. Shattered. Its shards seemed to cut my soul. Feeling drained, I made my way back inside. Teddy Bear, my cat, was stretched out on my pillow, and I was grateful for his company. Shivering, I gulped down some more liquor straight from the bottle before dropping into bed. I fell into deep sleep.
"Jeremy, wake up." I awoke to find Jason staring at me. He looked at the bottle of whisky, his green eyes flashing with disgust. "Goddamit. What the hell are you doing with that. Never mind, get ready. We're late".
I was too groggy to protest; my stomach felt queasy and I had a splitting headache, courtesy of last night's efforts. I hurriedly showered while Jase got me some coffee. He stood silently as I got dressed, for once not making any wise remarks about seeing me naked; he winced as I lit up a cigarette and chewed on dry aspirin.
"You should try to get a grip on yourself, you know. Drinking isn't going to solve your problems," he preached.
"Fuck off. I never asked you to save me," I said cruelly.
Shock and hurt registered on his face; shoving a mug of coffee into my hands, he stalked out of my bedroom. I had never before been so harsh with Jason, but I was beyond control. "He'll live," I muttered.
Driving to school, Jase wouldn't look at me, and I didn't care, I felt too damn miserable to care. It seemed as though the guy from the cafe had somehow brought out the worst in me, weeks of painful healing gone down the drain. Of course I knew I couldn't blame him, I just needed an excuse to allow stifled feelings to resurface. I was still thinking about him when Karen came bounding towards us in the parking lot. I groaned, and Jason looked at me angrily.
"Hey Jeremy. Hi handsome." She grabbed Jason's arm and tugged him towards her; Jase didn't complain.
"Hey baby," he said, pulling her close and kissing her hungrily on the lips, quite unusual as Jase for some reason didn't like me seeing his makeout sessions. I didn't care though. I looked at them blankly for a few moments before excusing myself. Neither replied.
Hours seemed to drag by as I sat endured my classes, my attention wandering all of the time. Jason was in a couple of them, sitting next to me as usual, but he chose to ignore me. I was too preoccupied with my daydreams to care or feel offended. I had already decided that I'd try to find the guy and at least try to talk to him. I struggled to adopt a reasonable attitude, knowing that surely nothing would come out of the unlikely possibility of finding him. In my mind, chances of him being gay were slim to none rather than one in ten. But that didn't seem too important right then; I just needed to understand why he had stirred me in such a way. I had seen better looking guys before -well not really, but still.- and, apart from drooling over them for a while, I had never been affected by them. Certainly I had never become obsessed with any of them.
And, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was nothing short of an obsession. My feelings towards this person, this stranger I'd never even talked to, widely surpassed the limits of physical attraction; he was cute, yeah, but there was something about him that I couldn't quite grasp that disturbed me beyond belief (evidently not love, that was impossible). I didn't like that one bit. I needed to talk to him, then maybe I'd be able to get a grip on myself. That's the way I liked it. I had to find him first, though.
As soon as the last bell rang I rushed out of school and practically ran to the cafe, the most obvious place to hunt him down. I got a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes, then settled down in my booth to wait. I got out my notebook and a pen, and started doing free association, something I really enjoy. Helps me clear out my mind. After an hour and three pages, my hand began to cramp and still no signs of him. Discouraged, I waited for a while longer, then went home.
That night I finished off the bottle of JD, pacing on the widow's walk, my favorite place on earth. Growing up, I had always loved going up there and looking out into the sea, or maybe the surrounding woods. It was my niche, the place I went to when I needed to sort myself out, and that night was no exception. I looked at the stars and talked to them in half drunken stupor; for a while, I cried, strange tears with no real reason or meaning. Before long I was feeling a drained, so I decided to go to bed. I looked at the sky for one last time and was suddenly moved as I saw a bright shooting star scarring the night for an instant. Then it was gone. Overwhelmed by the timing, I made three wishes. I asked for my parent's peace, for Jase's happiness. You can probably guess what the third one was.
I undressed as I stumbled down the stairs, stripping down to my boxers. I removed these too and dove into bed; Teddy was not around. I pictured blue eyes as I drifted off.
The next morning I woke up earlier than usual, feeling a bit more refreshed. I took my time getting ready, then carried a cup of coffee to the back porch where I settled to wait for my buddy. Looking out into sea, I was surprised to realize that I felt almost normal again; the confusion of the last few days appeared to have melted, leaving me drained but with no long-term scars. I looked back and rationalized my emotions, dismissing the event in the coffee shop as nothing more than a simple -- yet intense -- obsession, probably a reaction to the pain I'd been subject to in the past months. I almost laughed as I thought of my recent stupidity. I was back in control again, and I relished the feeling, vowing to keep it that way.
Jason never showed up, so I drove my own car -- a red Ford convertible -- to school. It was a five minute drive, and as I sped down Oceanside Road I relaxed, feeling the cool sea breeze in my face.
I chose to park in the back lot, and was surprised to see Jason's own car there; he normally was too lazy to leave his wheels this far from the building. I spotted him and was pleased, as this was the perfect opportunity to talk to him, maybe make up.
"Hey Jase," I called, smiling brightly. He looked up at me emptily.
"Yes?"
"Look, dude, I'd like to say I'm sorry about yesterday. I know I was really unkind to you, but..."
"Not now Jeremy. I'm waiting for Karen, said she had to see me. Us, actually."
"Uh, OK, then, maybe later?" I looked at him expectantly.
"Sure," he said. Uh-oh, he was still mad.
Karen fluttered into sight right then, looking more artificial than ever. She said hi to me, then turned to Jason and kissed him briefly; he hugged her.
Karen eventually pulled away. "So look, I'd like to introduce you both to my cousin Tommy. He just moved in from Florida, living here now. He's only 16 but I really want you guys to be friends with him. He's so totally out of it here, been around for a week and hasn't made any friends. Yeah so he's kinda strange but he's OK, hey, there he is, TOMMY!!!" she screeched.
I looked over my shoulder and almost dropped dead. The guy from the cafe was walking towards us, looking hesitant. My heart started pounding mercilessly.
"Tommy, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Jason," Karen said importantly. They shook hands. "And this is Jason's best buddy, Jeremy."
I didn't notice Tommy shyly offering me his hand, I was too busy staring into those eyes.
"Erm, Jeremy...," Karen started.
"Oh, sorry. I'm Jeremy, pleased to meet you," I squeaked, finally falling back to earth. I took his hand and shook it. My self-control resolve was quickly waning.
"I'm Thomas," he replied, and I nearly fainted at the sound of his voice. If he recognized me, he didn't let on.
"OK, good. Tommy is new here, he's starting school today, so he needs someone to show him around. I'd do it myself, but I guess that he'd be embarrassed, having his older cousin baby-sitting him, so it's up to you guys. Hope you don't mind?," she asked hopefully.
"Actually, I'm all tied up right now. Got an early football meeting. But I'm sure that Jeremy won't mind showing Tommy around. Right J?" Jason turned to me coolly.
I tried to answer but my mouth was bone dry, I finally pulled myself halfway together. "Sure. No problem," I croaked. "Come on. What's your name again?" I asked, trying not to sound eager and feigning detachment.
As we made our way into school, I looked back at Jason. He was staring at me strangely.
II. Waiting for a star to fall.
tbc
What do you think?! Email me at blue_dude@hotmail.com