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Feelings III
III. Crash and Burn
"Friend: A brother one chooses"
Anonymous
"You look like shit," Kim commented bluntly as I picked her up on my way to school. I said nothing as I remembered the previous night's events, and the death of all hope of love in my life. I had entertained the idea of staying in bed all day (all year for that matter), then decided against it. No point in getting even more depressed.
"You know," she went on, "things are kinda weird lately. You never come round anymore, Jase barely mentions you. If I didn't know any better I'd say you guys had some sort of fight. Am I right?"
I stared straight ahead.
"I knew it! I just knew it! Wanna tell me about it?"
"I'd rather not," I finally spoke; my voice was hoarse from crying.
"Oh, come on. I know guys have some macho bullshit going, you're not supposed to talk about your feelings and crap like that. But this is Kimmy here, not just anyone. I've known you for what, centuries?"
"More," I sighed. I knew I was going to tell her about it after all. I lit a cigarette.
"So spill," she smiled triumphantly.
I paused to think for a second. No way I'd tell her the truth.
"We just had a disagreement. No biggie. It'll blow off soon." I hoped, anyway. My mind immediately turned to Tommy. How would I ever look at him again? Some mess.
"I'm not so sure about that. You're even more stubborn than Jason, and that's saying a lot. Neither of you is going to give in, you are too proud. The worst bit is that you love each other."
I looked at her in shock, wondering just what she meant by that. Could she know?
"I mean, you've known each other forever, you've shared everything, you are each other's best friends..." Her eyes narrowed "Until the little blonde slut showed up, that is. Is this about her? I told Jason she was bad news, but he just wouldn't listen."
"No Kim, this is not about Karen. I screwed up is all. Now Jason won't talk to me." I didn't elaborate, so she finally quit asking questions.
"Okay, then. I'll quit badgering you. Just know that I'm here for you if you need me."
I sighed again. Like brother, like sister. Silence hung as I drove us to school.
We walked together across campus, and I prayed I wouldn't find neither Jason nor Tommy. We eventually ran into Karen, however, and Kimmy hardly controlled her distaste.
"Bitch alert," she muttered.
"Hey Jeremy," Karen cooed. "Hello Kimberly," she added as an afterthought, smiling fakely.
"Hey Karen," I said. Kim remained silent, looking at her in disdain.
"It's so fab running into both of you like this. I wanted to tell you about this party I'm organizing tomorrow, after the game. You're both invited, of course. It's, like, happening now!" She laughed stupidly. Karen groaned.
"Cool," I exclaimed, trying to feign enthusiasm. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to introduce Tommy to everyone, jump start him a bit. Maybe he'll get a girl."
Inwardly I cringed. "Great idea."
" I swear," she went on, "no one would guess we're family, he's so shy and all. Then again., some traits just don't run in the blood," she added, looking pointedly at Kim.
"Thank god. Otherwise you cousin would be stuck with a pile of dung for a brain," Kim barked.
"What, got your period? That must be a relief," Karen sneered.
"Okay, ladies. Keep it down." Right then I was thankful girls weren't my thing. They bared their teeth at each other.
Just then Jason walked up; he said hello to everyone, not meeting my eyes. I ignored him and we all stood in awkward silence. My heart sank as Tommy sidled up shortly after, and Karen surprised me by suddenly howling.
"What the fuck are YOU doing here," she spluttered, her eyes widening in shock.
Tommy stared at her like a cat caught with the family goldfish in its paws.
"Oh okay, so you've met my cousin," Karen said, her anger forgotten. Tommy finally opened his mouth, but was cut off by Kim.
"Don't you dare say anything, you pervert. Get the fuck away from me, you shit eating scumbag." She slapped his face and ran off, sobbing. Tommy took off after her.
What the hell was that all about. I looked at Karen questioningly, but she simply shrugged her shoulders.
I avoided both Tommy and Jason all day. My mind was whirling in confusion, unable to understand the link between Kim and my new-found love. How could she be so mad at him, if he'd only just arrived and she claimed not to know him?
After school I sped home, got into a pair of tight shorts and went the beach. It was a short walk from the bottom of my garden, down a steep path in the middle of a thicket. The small cove was actually public, but there was no easy access to it beside cutting through my property, so there was never anyone there. It was nestled among towering cliffs, and the surf was quite rough.
The sand tickled my toes as I peeled off the shorts; I ran towards the beckoning waves, nearly screaming as the cold current contacted my skin. I dove under the waves, my eyes stinging in the salty water.
I burst out to the surface, feeling pulses of pleasure beating across my body as I floated on my back. I closed my eyes, relishing the erotically cool water. I sighed, the pain that had been haunting me recently quickly fading under the warmth of the sun.
As my body grew increasingly cold I decided to head back home; opening my eyes I was surprised to see some guy standing at the top of a cliff, looking down at me. I stared back, and after a minute he turned and left and walked away.
Puzzled, I swam towards the shore, got dressed and chased after him. The steep climb, however, slowed me down, so by the time I got to the top he was gone.
Chloe, my sister, phoned that night. I was pleased to hear from her, and very grateful.
"So any boyfriend in sight?," she asked in conspiracy. She knew about me, and was okay with it.
"Actually, there's this really cool guy who's just arrived from Florida," I admitted as I stirred tomato sauce. "I've definitely fallen for him, but I think he's straight. I'm pretty sure anyways."
"You sure? Never can tell, ya know?"
"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure. Name's Tommy, he's really intelligent and sweet.. Plus, he's really good looking. You've got to meet him. Coming over any time soon?" I was very lonely and missed my sister.
"Sorry, not right now kiddo. But I'm sure he'll fall for you soon, even if he's straight. No one can resist my cute little brother." We both laughed.
"Seriously, though, how are you taking this? With mom and dad, you know, this may be kinda tough on you?"
"I'm okay," I lied.
"Ha! You're probably downing booze as we speak." Very perceptive, I though, staring at the open bottle of whiskey standing on the counter. She continued: "Look, Jeremy, I know this has to be hard for you. God knows I've been hurting, even though I never cared much for them. But you've got to move on. Feel the hurt, work through it, and then leave it behind. You're too young to mess up. Okay?"
I felt like crying. Again. "Okay," I managed.
"I worry about you kiddo. Don't want you to screw up like me." I remained silent, and she sighed. "Okay, gotta go now boy. Love you tons..."
"Love you," I whispered as I hung up the phone.
After dinner, I sat on my widow's walk for a while, contemplating the clear sky. I polished off my quart bottle of JB, thinking about Tommy. I had to know what was going on between him and Kim, but in the present state of things, that would obviously have to wait. I had a very bad feeling about the whole thing though.
Drained, I finally went to my bedroom, stripped and dove into bed. It was only nine o'clock but I was soon sleeping soundly.
I woke up with a start, nightmares lingering in my mind. I looked at the alarm clock. 1:43 AM.
"Shit," I muttered, still dizzy from the alcohol; I sat up, propped against plush pillows, throwing the blankets across the room. Warm night. I reached for the remote control and turned on my stereo. Sheryl Crow sang bitterly, invading the air with lyrics that sounded obscenely harsh for her sweet voice to carry.
" No one said it would be easy
But no one said it'd be this hard
No one said it would be easy
No one thought we'd come this far "
I felt tears streaming down my face as the piercing lyrics swirled in my head. I found no hope. I sighed. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I suddenly made out a dark figure sitting in the shadows. Pure fear ran through my body, as the shadow slowly got up and walked towards my bed. A dim night light was turned on.
"Hello Jeremy..." Jason said.
"Jason? What the hell are you doing here! You scared the shit out of me!"
He didn't reply as he slowly began to undress. My heart slowed down as it recovered from the shock, but quickly paced up again as I watched him slowly take his clothes off. He pulled his tee-shirt over his head, deliberately slow in his movements. He didn't meet my eyes as he took off his sneakers, placing them gently on the floor. Wearing only baggy shorts, he stretched out, raising his arms and popping his neck.
I watched his perfect body, savoring the sight of his trim waist, the pumped sixpack that lined his chest. He was mostly smooth, except for a thin patch of honey coloured hair between his pecs, swirling towards his small nipples.
Jason finally looked at me; he held my gaze as he slowly dropped his shorts, exposing himself to me. Boy, he'd grown in the year since I'd last seen him. His dick was almost six inches semi-hard, quite thick; his large balls swayed as he set down the shorts, lush plums holding the sweetest nectar.
He stood naked before me, a pensive look on his face, and right then I realized how much I had missed him.
I finally got a grip on my rapture. I narrowed my eyes.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Get dressed and fuck off. I'm not some cheap whore you can turn to when Karen's got a headache," I snapped, realizing I was full of resentment.
Jason ignored my bitching as he climbed onto the bed, directly on top of me. I felt the warmth of his flesh on my naked skin, the fine hair on his strong legs rubbing against my thighs. His dick rubbing against my exposed balls. I shut up.
He finally spoke, his long air lightly brushing my chin.
"Why can't you tell me what's the matter Jeremy? I know something's in your mind, but you won't let me in. You used to trust me--"
I started to protest but he cut me off.
"Something's bugging you," he repeated. "Why are you being such an asshole ?"
I couldn't answer his question, and he started to lose it. I turned my face away.
"Answer me, goddamit" he demanded, pressing his full weight on my crotch. I moaned, forgotten passion thundering back into my body, despite my mind's cross protests. He smiled briefly.
"Oh, you're enjoying this, are you?" he taunted. He began rubbing his body against mine, riding me roughly. My cock started stiffening under the pressure, pressing against his navel. He laughed maliciously.
"What's this, huh? The Ice King can't control his iceberg? Or are you trying to impale me so you can suck my blood later tonight?" He giggled dumbly.
I stared at him incredulously. I realized he'd been drinking, which shocked me. Jason never drank. He continued to rub our cocks together, but my lust was quickly turning to anger. I grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him away.
"Get away from me, you freak," I spluttered.
"Oh boy. That's rich. You're calling me a freak." He laughed, and my anger boiled.
"Fuck off you asshole. Go fuck Karen or something. Get her pregnant, then you can have a nice, dorky family with that pinhead."
He stopped laughing and looked at me with dead seriousness. I expected him to hit me but he just sat in silence.
"Watch what you say," he finally said.
"Yeah, whatever. Go away."
"No. I'm spending the night with you."
"Like hell you are." I have the distinct talent to make a bad situation worse. His face crumpled, giving way to a heartbreakingly sad expression
Jason sighed. His next words shocked me.
"Why don't you love me anymore?" he asked miserably.
"What?
"You have always been the most important person in my life. You may be surprised to know that you still are. However, it seems as though I don't have the same privilege in your own ranking."
"Shut up, man. You're drunk." I didn't want to have this conversation.
"Don't fuck with me. I know you too well. I know you're in pain, which is only to be expected, but that's not the point. You destroyed me the other day, and your parents' death is no excuse. Do you really hate me so much? You used to love me."
"I do love you," I whispered.
"Then why are you treating me like shit? Why?," he asked with tears in his eyes. I wouldn't cry, even if it killed me. Not ever.
"Answer me, please. Don't you realize I need you more than anything, anyone, on earth? God, I'd give you my life if you asked me." He was crying openly now, and my broken heart somehow managed to crack even more. I couldn't bear to cause him this level of pain.
"Scars shall remain, as a mother cries out and a new life is born," I said softly, quoting words I had said quite recently.
He looked at me and understood. Silently, he put his arms around me, weaving his hand underneath my body until they were touching my shoulder blades. I finally broke down and cried, sobs wracking my body. He hugged me tightly, pressing his soft cheek to my face. We embraced for a few minutes that seemed forever until he pulled away slightly, his face inches away from mine. I stared into those emerald green eyes that had once glimmered when he looked at am. Now they were etched with pain. My own eyes were brimming with tears, and I felt relieved as he smiled at me. He kissed my tears away, and we feel asleep in the form of one.
I was smiling when I woke up, feeling as good as new; well, almost, as I thought of Tommy. My legs were tangled around Jason's, who was snoring softly into my armpit, his right arm still wrapped around my body. My cat was also having a good time, resting on our calves. I watched Jason sleep for a while, enjoying the warmth of our contact. I was glad we were friends again, I needed his trust more than anything else. I hadn't told him about Tommy, but eventually I would. I felt him stir.
"Hey, freak," he smiled, yawning.
"Hey Ice King," I laughed back. He pulled me close and our hug was one of pure friendship, maybe even more special and important than those shared by lovers.
I pulled back, suddenly remembering something.
"Dude, were you out in the garden yesterday afternoon?" I asked, figuring it'd been him looking at me while I was at the beach.
"Nope."
I frowned. Strange. I quickly shook the whole thing away.
"Hate to bring this up but it's time for school," I announced, starting to get up.
"No, you don't," he giggled as he started tickling me, jabbing my sides lightly. I returned his favor and we were soon wrestling playfully, tumbling around the bed. He suddenly flipped me onto my back, pinning me to the mattress.
"Seems to me I win," he gloated triumphantly. I couldn't care less as I tried not to get a hardon after our little game. I needn't have bothered, though. I could feel Jason's hot shaft pressed against my body. We stopped laughing. Suddenly, our faces only inches apart, our eyes locked into a deep gaze that held no secrets. Neither of us spoke, and my heart began to pound. Jason hesitatingly lowered his lips until they were almost grazing mine. I held my breath as a voice inside my head screamed for us to stop. This was so wrong. He loved Karen. I loved Tommy. Didn't we?
Fuck it, I decided. I raised my own head, trying to meet his lips. He shifted position.
"MEOW" came Teddy Bear's indignant howl as Jason squashed it's tail with his knee. We both jumped apart, staring at each other guiltily. Whew. That had been close. We shared an embarrassed silence as the cat stalked away, miffed.
Jason cleared his throat awkwardly, speaking first.
"Uhm, look, I'm sorry. That shouldn't have happened, dude..."
"No, it's okay, don't worry. Guess we just got caught on is all." I tried to reassure both him and me.
"Yeah, okay. I love Karen, ya know. Think I might, anyways."
"I know," I smiled, although I definitely doubted it.
"Not that I don't love you, of course," he hastily added. "You take whatever you want from me first. Then she gets the rest."
"Wow. That doesn't leave much for her, does it?" I joked.
"Do that again," he said seriously.
"What?"
"Laugh. It's been a while since you last did it."
I looked at him gratefully.
"You're as gorgeous as ever," he admitted shyly, blushing.
"You too," I laughed. "Now get your ass into the shower. We're late."
As Jason showered I lit a cigarette and sat on my bed. I was already doubting my feelings for Tommy. Had the guy of my dreams been within my reach all along?
Jason finally emerged, slick and shiny. I wondered why he'd taken so long.
"I don't wanna get you all bothered again, but you shouldn't be smoking so early in the morning," he said with a half mocking frown.
"Thanks Dad," I answered before I caught myself. Not the best answer.
He forced a smile and began getting dressed.
In the shower I though about what I'd just said. Stupid, stupid. It was no secret Jason had always taken care of me, even when my parents were alive (probably the reason so much resentment had resurfaced recently). Still, I had to watch my words more carefully.
Stepping out of the shower, I noticed Jason standing in front of the mirror, shaving. I bit my lip as I took a look at his hair, which was mostly standing straight up in all directions.
"Okay if I use your razor?," he asked uselessly.
"Sure, man. But do something about your hair. You look like a badly coiffed hedgehog."
"You take care of it," he said.
I reached for a comb, and began gliding it through his soft hair.
"Here, look at me," I told him. He turned around and I parted his hair neatly, gently holding his chin to steady his head. My gaze unwillingly strayed towards his eyes, which were fixed on my face.
"There. You look great," I said as I set the comb down, slightly ruffled.
"Thanks dude." He cleared his throat. "You coming to the game tonight?," he asked.
"You bet," I answered, then began getting dressed.
Karen had been born for the role of the jock's girlfriend, starting with her impossibly short skirts, right down to her bored expression each time her boy scored. For some reason she had decided to sit with me on the bleachers, for once not yapping at mach two about nonsense. She surprised me, even.
"Everything ready for tonight?" I asked her.
"I suppose," she answered, hiding her gaze behind dark sunglasses. We were both smoking in front of half the faculty.
"So how's school," I realized I didn't actually know the answer. Guess I figured her IQ was an obstruction for the subway network.
"Okay. Mostly A's." Wow. She could have fooled me. Noticing my expression, she continued:
"Look, Jeremy, I know most people have a bad opinion of me. Just because I'm tall and beautiful (-obviously she couldn't help her comment-) people think I'm some sort of 90210 specimen. But I'm not."
"No one thinks that," I halfheartedly disagreed, lying through my teeth. She smiled icily, not buying it.
"I've never seen Jason's hair look so good," she commented, changing the subject as she stared at her boyfriend galloping down the field and scoring yet again. I blushed a little at her comment, and she noticed. She didn't say anything though.
I suddenly spotted Tommy sauntering along the sidelines, apparently avoiding Kim, who was prancing with the rest of the cheerleaders at the far end of the field. Adrenaline kicked in full time, and I felt short of breath.
"I guess you're wondering what the deal is with my cousin and Kim," Karen asked matter-of-factly, apparently reading my mind.
I tried to sound indifferent.
"Yeah, I guess," I answered.
"Okay, here's the deal. Turns out they got together in Florida over the summer. You know, when she went down to Hollywood Beach, and Jason stayed here because, uh, well, you know."
"Keep going," I croaked as my heart sank.
"So anyways, they met there and apparently had a thing going on," she explained.
"Define `thing'," I said.
"Don't really know. Fact is, they had some sort of fight, and she's really mad at him, as you probably noticed. Small world, huh," she added.
"Sure is," I muttered. I couldn't believe it. Just my luck, him, of all people. "Surprised none of us ever made the connection."
"Says who?" Karen removed her eyeglasses and looked at me calmly. Her eyes were very much like Tommy's.
"You knew?" I asked, dumbfounded. "So why didn't you ever say anything? Did Kim ever figure out that her boyfriend" I shuddered as I said that "was in fact your cousin."
"Why should she? Different surnames. Why would anyone suspect such a thing."
She was right. I wondered why she'd kept it a secret, though.
"Look at me Jeremy," she said. I turned towards her again, looking at her frosty face. "You're a nice guy, Jason is very lucky to have you as a friend. I want you to know I'm really sorry about your parent's death, and that I admire you. Don't ever doubt my intentions."
I stared at her, openmouthed. She stood up, pausing for a second so that anyone interested could admire her long legs before pulling down her skirt.
"I'm going home to get everything cranked up for the party." She paused, then leaned forward and kissed me briefly on the cheek. "Remember, no one is ever what you think," she whispered, then walked away.
Chapter IV
IV. Shit happens
Soon.
You can reach me at blue_dude@hotmail.com. Comments, criticism, suggestion extremely welcome.