Feelings

Usual disclaimers apply. Sorry I took so long with this part, hope you enjoy it. Thanks for your support guys!

22 March 1999

Feelings IV

IV. Shit happens.

The game paced up, and we won narrowly thanks to Jason's last minute score. I was thrilled, watching Jase slap and high-five the other players. In reality I couldn't care less about sports, but I made the effort for my buddy's sake. Winning and competing seems stupid to me, I've always felt that proving stuff to myself is tough enough, let alone minding about others. Chasing after a ball seems like a waste of time, but then, I mused, the concept could be taken as a metaphor of life.

After a rowdy chant followed by some ludicrous performance, involving kicking each other's shins and a little tush-shaking, Jason finally broke away from the pack and scanned the bleachers, obviously looking for his girlfriend. I felt sorry, knowing that she had left and that he wouldn't be sharing his moment of glory with her. However, he spotted me and broke into his trademark goofy grin. He moved towards the side of the field, jumping over the low fence that separated the players from us mortals, and easily ran up the steps to me. I got up, smiling broadly.

"Hey," he panted, out of breath. His face was red and splattered with mud, but his eyes sparkled with their usual green enthusiasm.

"Hey bud. Good one, huh" I gushed.

"Yeah--" he eyed me, almost certainly wondering about Karen.

"Karen left, said she had to get the party going," I explained to him.

"Oh, okay," he said. I was heartbroken when I noticed his crestfallen expression.

To hell with it. I reached out and hugged him. He tensed up, then quickly relaxed.

"Thanks," he beamed with a pleased laugh. It was probably the first time I'd displayed my affection for him in public.

"Hey! What are friends for--?" I replied, my heart warming for him.

He pulled away as his face suddenly grew a little serious.

"Man, about last night..."

"Omigod, please don't tell me it was a mistake and you don't wanna see me again," I cut in, unable to resist his line. It was so blind-date-gone-bad-because-of-sex that I just had to.

His lips twitched.

"Asshole." He said, shaking his head with amusement. "Seriously, though, I never meant to be so harsh on you. That rubbing thing was totally unnecessary. It's just that--"

"I should be apologizing. I was a shit to you, I deserved it." I interrupted. "Plus, it wasn't all that bad." I added slyly.

"Well, we could always do it again..." he proposed and I wasn't sure if he was kidding or not. I just laughed, feeling extremely uncomfortable. He looked straight into my eyes.

"Thanks for being my friend," he said sincerely "You're the best." I felt a lump on my throat as he hugged me. He was sweaty and covered in mud, but I didn't care. He felt good.

"Too bad you hunks are so busy with each other, otherwise you could share a little bit. Jason, save some of him for me already!" Kim's timing couldn't have been worse.

"Hey sis," Jase said.

"Greetings brother. Hello J." She looked at me with a smile. "Seems like all's well in heaven, huh."

I looked at her uncomfortably.

"Congrats, Jason. You were awesome," Karen praised. Jase smiled and she pecked him lightly on the cheek. Awww. Brotherly love.

"Hey, I was meaning to ask you. What's the deal with Blondie?" Jason was decidedly curious about the little drama earlier that day. Here goes, I thought with a sinking feeling; I could count on Jason to add more fuel to the fire. I wasn't too happy with Tommy's new nickname either.

Kim's smile faltered. She sipped her Coke before answering.

"Long story, not really worth telling," she finally said. "All's well than ends well," she added.

I had to wonder just how well the whole thing had ended. Knowing Kim, I was sure that this round was not over yet as she could be even more tenacious than me

"Anyways," she added, "It's none of your business bro; I don't go sticking my nose into your doings with your bleached rubber playkitten. And please, do us a favor and get your butt in the shower. You stink."

"Okay, okay shrimp. No need to get worked up about it. Catch you guys later." He paused. "By the way, Kim. Lay off Jeremy. He's told you repeatedly he's not ready to have kids yet." He ducked the empty drink can Kim hurled at him, and went off, laughing.

I felt paranoid, being alone with Kim. I knew she had her mind set on Tommy, just as me. I couldn't possibly be angry at her, nor at Tommy for that matter. If anything I was the odd man out.

Apparently Kim felt the same way; I could sense her discomfort.

"See ya at the party?" she asked with a weak smile.

"Yeah, I guess..." I answered, not meeting her eyes.

I sighed in relief when she left. I knew where I had to go.

The sun had almost set as I approached the small forest near the back parking lot. There was a vicious bite in the air, reminding me of the death of summer and I wasn't sad to let it go. Too much had happened in those few months, and the prospect of a new season was inviting. Maybe the new half would be better.

I found Tommy sitting in his usual spot, once again lost in space. His dreams appeared to scar his face, moments buried behind him in the path he'd chosen to lead, far away from the place he had always known as home.

I was betraying him (once again) by abusing his moment of high vulnerability, as all cover-ups were unknowingly stripped away to reveal his most profound secrets across his skin. Right then I knew I was deeply in love with him, and nothing would ever change that. I also knew he was probably thinking about Kim, and my heart began to break in its moment of birth.

I paused to collect myself before speaking. I knew already that I wouldn't ask him about Kim.

"Hey man," I said before I lost my nerve.

He looked up, eyeing me uncertainly. God was he beautiful.

"Hi," he answered.

"Nice evening huh..." I didn't know where to begin.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm starting to miss Florida though. It's never this cold down there." He was holding a daisy, randomly plucking out petals and scattering them around him.

"Oh." Shit. This was going to be difficult. I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

"Look, I wanted to apologize about the other night. I don't normally behave like that..." I stopped as I noticed him raising an eyebrow. What had his cousin told him? I went on: "I mean, I never treat strangers in such a way..."

"I'm a stranger?" he interrupted softly. "Too bad. I was hoping I could be your friend..." He sounded genuinely honest, not the least bit mocking. My heart skipped a beat in spite of myself.

"What do you mean?" I asked cautiously. He took his time before answering, apparently weighing each word carefully. The level of similarity that existed between us I never ceased to amaze me; I might as well be talking to a mirror.

"Forget it. It doesn't matter," he finally said, hardening his voice; this was the first time he'd ever used such a harsh tone on me. I was in no position to feel offended, I knew I had it coming. However, my patience was slipping, and I had to do a Herculean effort to keep from bursting.

"Look, I simply wanted to apologize to you. You've got every right to be pissed at me, and I'll understand if you never want to see my face again," I stopped, trying to digest the pain saying those words was causing me. My mouth was cheating on my heart. I ploughed on, knowing I sounded defensive.

"Fact is, you don't really know me dude, so I think I may deserve the benefit of the doubt. All I'm asking for is a second chance here." I know it sounds pathetic. In other circumstances I would have felt disgusted at myself, I was practically begging. But this was Tommy, and my heart had no pride whatsoever when he was involved.

"So, what do you think man," I asked, holding my breath. He had lowered his head during a monologue, not giving anything away. He examined what by now was a bare stalk.

"Tommy?" I prodded. He remained silent, twirling the remains of the daisy in his fingers. I accepted defeat.

"Let me know, will you?" I heard my heart plead. As I walked away I noticed that some white petals had stuck to my shoes; I doubted I carried his dreams.

I was feeling very restless when I got home, a state that I'd grown used to. I no longer had control over my life, and I was disturbed beyond belief. Even when my parents lived I pretty much did as I pleased, carefully planning out every step I took beforehand and never doubting I'd get what I wanted. Since their death, of course, I'd had to renew my effort to hold on to the reigns, but I had eventually managed. The only problem was that my life had turned into an empty shell then, lacking any meaning whatsoever; letting go of my parents had also meant turning my back on any motivation or fulfillment that could come my way. Falling in love had never been an option.

I sipped vanilla tea while debating whether to bother with the party or not. I didn't want to face Tommy just yet (not ever, really), but I had promised Jason I'd be there. Not that he'd really care if I didn't show, as he had Karen to play with.

I realized just how alone I really was. I knew I had friends I could turn to, but I'd never needed them as I always had myself to depend on. Now that was not enough. Nothing was enough. The strange part was I acknowledged all of this without neither feeling nor caring. I felt like an outsider in my own life, going through stuff with mild curiosity but no real interest. I could dismiss my whole life with a simple "too bad" before chucking it out through the window like stinky garbage.

"Dad, where are you?" I whispered. No one answered.

I was feeling extremely anxious when I pulled up at Karen's house, thinking about the whole mess I'd gotten into. Only the first week of class, and I was ready for another vacation. I was in for a hell of a school year, that's for sure.

After a long self-debate I had finally decided to attend the party, as I had nothing else to do except stay at home and mope. I was already wishing I had not come.

Music pounded in the air as I got out of my car, Cher's obnoxious voice hollering about life after love (how did she know?) and not helping my mood. I prefer making late entrances, so the party was already in full swing, people milling on the front garden, some barfing into bushes. Actually, I like partying; I get a kick out of seeing the whole decadence surrounding me when I'm in one.

I walked nervously towards the front door, knowing I'd have to face Tommy very soon; I took a deep breath and walked inside. People instantly surrounded me. Groan.

The room was filled with thick smoke that, together with the subdued lighting, created a rather mysterious effect. There was a long table overflowing with snacks and other high-calorie junk that I could definitely do without. A large barrel stuffed with ice did look inviting though, as I was sure it contained my favorite vice. Obviously Karen's parents were not around; they had probably been shipped off to a hotel for the night.

Most of the furniture in the oversize living room had been cleared away, yielding plenty of space for people to jump about in. People everywhere. Dancing on chairs, on the floor, in the back garden. Some were even swaying on the staircase, looking dizzy and drunk.

I kept my usual detached facade as I surveyed the scene. No point in letting anyone think I was actually having a good time.

"Hey, man, lighten up," some guy cried as he toppled into me. I looked at him haughtily and he shrugged. "Leeeeeet's paaaaaaaarrrrrrrtyyyyyyyyy, yipeeee" he cried before getting lost in the crowd. I hid my smile.

Kim was sitting alone on a sofa, downing a liter bottle of beer; she noticed me and beckoned, but I pretended I hadn't seen her. I turned away, not wanting to talk to her. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw her shrug, then return to her bottle.

I eventually spotted Jason talking to an Asian guy in the dining room area; I vaguely recalled his name, Eddi probably. Rumor had it he was gay. He was talking animatedly, waving his hands around in exaggerated gestures and practically drooling as Jason smiled at his every word. I smirked.

Jase noticed me and we made eye contact; he winked at me, and I smiled. He turned his attention back to Eddi, who was by now dancing "La Bamba" in front of him.

Tommy was nowhere to be seen. I scanned the dark room to no avail. I felt relieved, knowing I was off the hook for the moment. No telling how I'd react once he put his little straight face in my field of view. Probably feel the urge to kiss him right then and there, I realized in dismay. There was no way around it: I was deeply in love and I'd never talk my heart out of that fact.

Karen herself walked into the house through glass sliding doors at the back of the room; she spotted me and skipped to my side.

"Hey J, good to see you. I swear, this whole thing is swinging, man. I mean, am I popular or what?" She laughed.

I was relieved that the old Karen was back, as I was still disturbed by her metamorphosis earlier that day. I lit a cigarette, and offered her one. She accepted it..

"Yeah, this is awesome Karen," I said with a smile. I was starting to like her more, now knowing that she too hid her true self from the rest. I didn't quite get the point of acting like a brainless bimbo though, but she obviously had her reasons for doing so.

"Only awesome?" she pouted.

"Fucking bitchin'," I amended with a laugh.

"That's my boy," she giggled.

"So where's the guest of honor?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. She frowned a little.

"Hmph, the little nerd freaked out when I told him about the party. Claims he hates `em and that he doesn't like the attention. Honestly, that turd is, like, totally unappreciative. Look at the trouble I went through for him." She paused for a second. " I bet people are here to see me anyways."

"I bet so to. So where is he?" I persisted, not wanting to engage into any more meaningless exchange.

"Dunno. Last time I saw him he'd holed up in the playroom. But he's probably hiding in some bunker by now," she added in distaste.

"Oh. Too bad huh."

"Yeah. So look, I'm gonna snatch my boyfriend from that kid. See ya, have a good time." She smiled one last time before marching towards Jason. I laughed.

So Tommy was not the party animal I'd assumed he was. I should have guessed, especially considering my tendency to stereotype people. The fact he was extremely good looking didn't necessarily mean he was interested in popularity and such things. As a matter of fact, all previous contact pointed towards his complete indifference regarding his looks. He simply didn't seem to care, he didn't carry the attitude most attractive people have. At the same time, it was inconceivable he didn't know he could have just about anyone he wanted. Why bother with me? I'm cute. He's beautiful, not to mention almost certainly straight.

I was getting thirsty so I made my way towards the makeshift bar, trying not to bump into too many people in the process. I fished inside the plastic barrels lined against the wall, but couldn't find anything interesting. Budweiser. Ugh. No way I'd drown my sorrows with that; I regretted not bringing my stuff with me. Feeling a little childish I finally picked a bottle of coke.

Kim came up to me as I poured my drink. Stumbled towards me would be a better description.

"Hey Jeremy," she managed between hiccups.

"Hey," I answered somewhat coldly. I could smell alcohol in her breath.

"So, what's up?" she asked, lasciviously licking her lips. Oh god.

"Nothing much," I answered curtly, then turned to get the hell away from her. She blocked my path, and I silently checked my anger. She was my friend, a very drunken one right now, but still one of the only people who put up with me. In a way I felt terribly sorry for her, both of us actually: had things been different we would have been great together. Oh well, no point fretting over the unchangeable. I knew who I was, and it hurt, but there was nothing I could do about it. That's that.

She took my hand and silently placed it on her chest.

"Have I ever mentioned you're really cute?" she purred.

I quickly pulled my hand away. Several people laughed.

"Not really, no...." Shit. I knew she felt something for me, but she'd never been this forward about it. I leaned against the wall, trying to put some distance between us.

"Well, you are." She paused for a second, then suddenly reached out and groped my crotch. "Wanna fuck?" I spluttered on my drink, moving my body away from her paws.

She grinned. "You know, I have always loved you. You probably think of me as your little sister, but believe me, incest is great these days." My jaw was scraping the floor by now. "So, whaddya say? Wanna party?"

I finally pulled myself halfway together, although I was still shaking like a leaf.

"Kimmy, you're a bit drunk right now. I don't think it's a good idea." It was lame but I could not think of anything else to say.

"Oh, come on J. You know you want to..."

"No, I don't. And you don't want to either," I said gently, at the same trying to sound firm. She narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"You men are all alike. First that lanky slutboy, now you," she spat out. "Know what? Go fuck yourself." She slapped my face and ran off, parting the crowd of dancers with an intense look of anger.

I stared after her in mild shock. I considered chasing her and having a talk, then decided against it. Probably better if I left that for later. Things were getting extremely complicated.

Jason came up to me soon after Kim left. Apparently he had seen the whole thing.

"What the hell's wrong with my sister? She never acts this way," he complained after he heard what I had to say.

"My bet is that, for some reason, she's rabid because Tommy showed up. Things get nasty. She takes it out on me." I conveniently hid the fact that I knew exactly what was going on between her and Tommy.

"Man, I don't get it. What's the story with that creep anyways? Do you know?"

"Beats me," I lied, inwardly flaring up. I was having a hard time concentrating on a conversation as things were getting way out of hand. Talking to my rekindled ex-flame wasn't helping either because I was increasingly aware of Jason's intentions towards me.

"Oh, well. At least he's not around now, so there won't be any scenes tonight."

My heart sank as I asked him if Tommy had left.

"Yeah, think he did. Karen was bitching about him being an ingrate," he said.

"You sure? I thought he was still here," I asked offhandedly.

"Maybe he is." Jason quickly got bored of the subject.

"How are things going for you anyways?" he asked.

"Okay," I lied again. He smiled and took my hands, leading me towards the back sliding doors and into the garden. I welcomed the fresh air, breathing it in hungrily. The huge garden was mostly deserted, except for a few people sitting comfortably in a secluded spot, smoking something suspicious.

We walked towards the exotically shaped swimming pool in complete silence; the air was alive with splashes and laughter that drifted from the pool and the happy kids swimming in it. I felt a stab of envy as I realized that I'd never again experience the carefree existence most of these people led. Too much had gone wrong, and I seriously doubted I'd ever be able to laugh unconditionally again.

Jason broke the silence.

"Nice night, huh," he said. I agreed, hoping I wasn't being led into another sticky conversation.

"So look, dude, I was wondering..." he began. "I've known you forever, and....uh.... things change so..." he trailed off, looking at me uncomfortably. I remained silent, staring at his face.

He suddenly snickered, looking over my shoulder. I turned and saw Eddi standing naked on the diving board, dancing to hoots of laughter. Apparently he enjoyed skinny-dipping. Childish, I thought in distaste. Eddi, however, seemed to be having a good time, shaking his bare butt for all to see.

I sensed this little display was directed towards Jason, who was still giggling uncontrollably. Whatever he had to say would remain unsaid, at least for now, and I for some reason I was relieved. Probably not good news.

"Seems to me someone has the hots for you," I whispered in his ear as Eddi rubbed his hands over his chest, peering at Jason carnally. My friend guffawed loudly.

"Hey guys," Karen crooned, walking towards us. I looked at Jason, and was surprised to notice his unreadable expression, traces of laughter melting quickly. If he was glad to see Karen, he was not showing it.

"Where have you been hiding all night, honeybun? Jeremy, you shouldn't hog my boyfriend," she said with a smile.

"We were just checking out the chicks," I explained to her, and she finally noticed the skinny dippers. She laughed delightedly.

"Hey, that looks like fun. You wanna try it?" she asked her boyfriend.

"Not right now," he muttered.

"Oh, come on... Pleeeease..." she implored. "Let's. We can try my parent's hot tub."

Jason looked at me helplessly as Karen dragged him away, chattering nonstop. I was felt mildly jealous, then tried to push the feeling away. Seems like tonight was Karen's night.

I walked towards the pool, feeling very lonely. I still hadn't seen Tommy, and I guessed that he'd probably left by then. My heart began to ache, as it usually did when I thought of him. I knew that the best thing I could do was try to forget him, but I doubted that would be possible. I was immersed in a world of feelings, in which my mind had no control whatsoever over my being. Only my love mattered, a love that would never be reciprocated. I had to choose whether to hang on to my painful love, or give it up all together. Whatever the choice, I was sure I'd regret it in the future. It hurt like hell.

"Hey, man, wanna join us?" some guy called from the water.

"No," I said curtly. The blossoming of my feelings had not challenged my attitude towards people. The guy muttered something and everyone laughed. I looked at them blankly, not giving a rat's ass about their outburst.

I spotted a couple of bottle of hard liquor propped against an artificial palm tree. How kind, I thought, as I swiped one. I hurried towards the far end of the garden, uncapping the bottle of vodka and taking a ravenous gulp, moaning as I felt the pleasurable liquid burn my throat.

I flopped down on the grass and took another shot, trying to block any unwanted thoughts from my mind. Trouble is I think too much.

Like the previous day at the beach, I was suddenly very aware of eyes on me. I looked up and saw Tommy sitting on a second floor porch, staring at me. He also had a bottle in his hands. My heart began beating thunderously as our eyes met. I tried to smile, but ended up grimacing instead. I nervously drank some more from the bottle, trying to pretend I had not seen him after all. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shake his head as he got up, walking back into the house.

I got up and ran back into the house, blood pounding in my temples. I had no idea of what I was going to do, all I knew was that I had to get up there and talk to this guy.

The crowd had practically duplicated inside the living room, and there was hardly any space to move in. With so much alcohol flowing the noise had also grown, with everyone yelling and the music turned up to an impossibly high volume. Someone had rigged some sort of lighting arrangement, so strobes were going off frenetically to the beat of the music, emphasized by weaker bulbs glittering from the roof. There were people dancing everywhere, looking like psychedelic figures in the stuttering lighting. It was complete chaos.

Feeling extremely dizzy and out of breath, I practically shoved dancers aside as I made my way to the stairs. I ran up the steps, stumbling over people who were either making out or too drunk to move. I climbed over a sofa which blocked the way to the top landing, ignoring a handwritten notice claiming that no one was allowed beyond that point.

The second floor was much quieter and, surprisingly enough, no one was in sight. Apparently most people had respected the off limits sign. I was not familiar with Karen's house.

I walked down a short corridor into a large hallway, where I found a choice of doors. I paused, trying to decide which one would lead to my love. I finally decided on one and opened it.

"Who the hell's that?!! Get out!" I heard a gruff voice yell. Oops. Wrong one.

"Sorry," I called out as I closed the door, stepping back.

I nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt two hands on my shoulders. I turned around to find Jason, dripping wet and wearing a pair of white briefs.

"Jase, what the hell are you doing?" I breathed, relieved. His eyes looked cloudy and the skin around them was puffy and splotched.

"I need to talk to you man," he pleaded in a trembling voice.

"Not right now," I said, not wanting the distraction. He looked at me with a pained expression.

Just then a door slammed open, giving way to a very wet and very furious looking Karen. She donned a skimpy bikini. She looked at Jason and me with narrowed eyes.

"Party's over," she muttered as she stomped past us. "These clowns are outta here."

"Wait up, babe. I'll help you," Jason shouted.

Karen turned around, and her eyes were ablaze.

"No, you don't," she spat before stalking down the stairs.

"I'd better go with her," he sighed before running off.

I stared after them, bewildered. I shook my head and opened another door quietly.

Before me was a small room, a guest bedroom most likely. The moon peeked through a skylight, bathing the room with an eerie blue glow. There was complete silence, and as I got accustomed to the semi darkness I made out someone lying on a bed. Kim.

I was just about to close the door when I heard a shuffling sound. I peeped inside once again and I saw heavy drapes at the back of the room parting, revealing a small balcony jutting out from the side of the house. I drew in a sharp breath as a tall figure emerged from the outside darkness, walking towards the bed. After a brief pause it stumbled onto Kim, hugging her tightly. Kim moaned, destroying the stillness.

"I love you," she whispered as she squirmed under the silhouette.

Feeling sick, I closed the door gently and walked numbly down the stairs. Everyone had left, but I couldn't have cared less.

Jason was sprawled on a sofa as I entered the living room. He sat up when he saw me.

"Man, you look pale. Come, sit with me," he said, concerned. I shook my head and walked towards the front door, tears streaming down my face.

"Jeremy?" I heard Jason call.

I ignored him as I walked outside.

It was a pity that it was such a beautiful night. Had it been cloudy I wouldn't have seen Kim's fingers running through Tommy's moonstruck hair.

V. Three's a crowd.

Tbc.

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