** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so no copying or publishing without my consent!**
Finding Andrew
Chapter 19 - January 4th, 2005 and the Aftermath
I woke up that morning and felt really weird. The weather was cold (it was supposed to snow later that day), I was feeling a little under the weather, and I had to work the closing shift at work that faithful Tuesday. Looking back at it, I could have told it was going to be an unusual day. I ate breakfast (rare), Andrew wasn't answering his phone (rarer), and my car died on me (well that wasn't rare, but very convenient since it was running good up to that point). I lounged around the house mostly playing video games until it was time to get ready for work. Once getting there, the day moved by pretty fast. Around 7pm I got a phone call, but couldn't answer it since I was in the phone with my district manager, Cindie. After getting off the phone, I looked to see that it was from Andrew and he left a voicemail. I could hear him breathing in the background, but also could hear Yellowcard as well...Only One. I called back, but he never answered his phone. I was really confused and called his brother to check on him. He told me that he had already left for Denver with Justin to be there on time for wrestling. I didn't understand why he didn't answer the phone. I kept trying back periodically to reach him, but he never returned the call. I knew that after getting off work I would confront him that night and force whatever was troubling him out...
That put a sour on my mood and the fact that we had to prep for the inventory made it worse. I sure as hell didn't want to be there since I was trying to get out as soon as possible to see Andrew. Thankfully, Mike came down from his store to help CJ and myself out. I got the brunt of most of the jokes (I was the young one at that store so I couldn't help it), but tuned them out with my recently required mp3 player. I put it on my Yellowcard playlist as I worked on my sections so we could be out soon. It had already started to snow that night and I knew that I was going to have to get a ride home. I called my parents to let them know that Mike was going to bring me back so they wouldn't have to stay up late worrying about getting me. Around 11, I got a phone call. I saw the number and was relieved to see that it was from Andrew's cell phone...that relief would quickly turn into a moment I will never ever forget...I stepped outside in the snow to accept it...
"Hello?"
"Oh my god! Sam...I'm so sorry!" It was Andrew's mom and she was crying. Something bad must have happened for her to call me. She hated me because it was my fault that Andrew was who he was in her opinion. And why was she calling from his phone? And why was there a lot of commotion in the background? I was really confused.
"What's wrong?"
"Sam, you need to come to the hospital! NOW!"
"What happened to Andrew? I don't have my car..."
"He's dead, Sam! He's dead!" She was bawling and I was trying to keep my wits and composure. She gave the phone to her husband and he explained the story.
He was wrestling in our fed and collapsed in the middle of his match. An ambulance was called, but it took too long for them to get him to a hospital. He was barely hanging in there when he got there. His family met him there as some of the guys explained what happened. Andrew asked for me, but he knew I was at work. His dad delivered his dying message to me: "Sam, I love you and will never leave your side, ever. You made my life complete and gave me something to live for. I will miss you and hope that you'll never forget me."
At that point, I had broken down and the tears kept coming. I was devastated. My entire world came crashing down at that very instant. I hung up the phone and sat in the frigid cold crying my eyes out. It just wasn't fair...the person that I loved...taken away from me forever...never to come back. I was so depressed. My first thought was to run all the way home and never come out of hiding. What purpose did I have to live for? I didn't care anymore...not about my friends...not about my family...not about the cancer...not even about myself. My anger started to lash out as I punched with all my might at the concrete sidewalk covered in ice. This was his mom's fault. For not taking care of her son...for not being a real mother to someone who so desperately wanted and needed one. This was Mario's fault for encouraging him to attempt suicide...What kind of asshole would do something like that? How selfish could you get? I somehow went back to work listening to my MP3 player and tuning out the outside world. At one point, I made eye contact with CJ and Mike and they saw the hurt on my face. The red eyes from all the crying, the cemented frown that I couldn't shake off. The soulless eyes...yes, everyone says that you can read a person by their eyes. That wouldn't have been possible at that moment. They were as black as the night. No soul or fire behind them. Just nothingness. My mood killed the atmosphere. We worked in silence until we finished up at 2 in the morning. When we were finished, CJ and Mike offered to treat me to breakfast, but I passed and was driven home by Mike. He gave me encouraging words as he dropped me off after I told him about the phone call. Ironic how I love the snow so much, yet the worst moment of my life was on a snowy night...
I got no sleep that night. So many thoughts were running through my head. Why couldn't I have been there? Why did he have to go now? Why couldn't it have been me? Did he know ahead of time? Was it why he had been acting so weird? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? At some point, I cried myself to sleep and found myself waking up early the next morning. I cut off my phone and tossed it in the closet. I didn't want any contact with the outside world ever again. All day long I laid in bed thinking about Andrew. The good times...the bad...the more intimate moments...his jokes...his smile...I didn't know it was possible to cry so much. It was two full days before I left my room. My parents had came downstairs on many occasions to see what my problem was, but I said nothing. I showed no emotion. It was like I wasn't even there. I didn't eat anything, I didn't drink anything, I couldn't fall back asleep, I smelled like crap from not showering, and my mouth never opened. You would have thought my mouth was swollen shut. That Thursday was my first day back at work and I managed to work a full 8 hours without uttering a single word. My mom called to check on me, but CJ knew that I wasn't going to talk. He still didn't know the reason for my silence, but he knew that it was something bad so he gave me my space. After work I went back to my room and sat in darkness staring at the wall. I turned back on my phone to see that I had been left with a barrage of voicemail. I deleted everyone that was from a friend until I got to the one from Jason.
"Sam, I know that you're hurt just like the rest of us are...you can't do this to yourself though. You know he wouldn't want to see you like this...You can't stop living...you have to live...for you...for him...your friends and family. I know it isn't fair...we all know that......I just wanted to let you know that the funeral date has been set. It's going to be on Tuesday. The doc was right in the cause of death. Heart failure...his condition ended up hurting him...not to mention the suicide attempt...you know which church it's at...I know my mom doesn't want you there, but I do...I know how much he meant to you. Well, I'll see you on Tuesday...take care of yourself...(click)"
Somehow, I managed to fall asleep that night. I tossed and turned the whole time waking up constantly. There were so many things that I had to do, but I just didn't know how to handle them. First off, I had to explain to CJ what was going on. I needed to get that Tuesday off. I drove up to work the next day to have a private chat with him. Cindie, him, and Paul were all working so getting pulled to the back didn't bother him at all I'm sure lol. I gave a brief explanation (my first words since talking to Mike in his car) of what was going on and he assured me that he would make sure that I got that day off no matter what. He, along with Cindie and Paul, passed on their condolences as I headed off to the Broadmoor store. I was a wreck, but at that moment I had to talk to somebody that was impartial to all that was going on. That person was Mike.
Once I got there, Tim and Jake greeted me. Not to be mean, but I wasn't in great spirits so I just looked down and stayed silent. Jake was annoyed by that and ripped into me about it. He isn't the type of person that likes to be disrespected I learned. Mike was on the phone and didn't see me come in, but he sure heard Jake going off. Tim came to my defense as he saw that I was dejected. I couldn't believe that the two of them were actually going to fight over this! Mike came to the rescue as he dragged me to the back.
"Don't mind Jake. He doesn't know what's going on."
"...ok."
"Well, at least you're talking now. When was the last time you had something to eat? You look like you haven't ate for days."
"..."
"You haven't?" He asked shocked. I shook my head no as he informed me that we were going to eat at Qdoba (a Mexican food place a few stores down, and also that no was not an option). He told Tim and Jake to hold down the store until he got back. Once our food came, I talked openly about my feelings...not about being gay or that he was my boyfriend. Just how damaging all of it was to me. He listened and showed that he cared. He gave me words of encouragement and basically picked me off the ground...well I was up on a knee at that point, but it was a start. Jake came over to let Mike know there was a problem which annoyed him. He went back to help for a few minutes and then came back to finish our conversation. He assured me that he wouldn't tell anybody (something I could always trust him with) and that nothing would change between us...something else that I was happy to hear. When we got back, Jake pulled me in the back to apologize. Mike got on him about his words and explained very vaguely that I was not in a great mood. It really didn't bother me since I knew what I did was rude, but Jake really pushed the issue. I ended up staying in the backroom for a few hours as I gathered my thoughts. No way that I could face public people just yet. As the store was being shut down, Tim came back to see what was wrong with me. I offered him a ride home, and told him I would explain on the way. I wasn't sure if it was such a good time to tell him, but something told me I had to. He was becoming a great friend and I didn't want to lose anybody else. As we left, Mike gave me his cell number so that I could call if I needed someone to talk to. I started the car to take Tim home, but he shut the car off. I couldn't bring my face to look at him.
"Sam, I'm not letting you drive like this. I don't care if I get in trouble for staying out late. We can talk in the store. In private." He got out the car to unlock the door to the store. I reluctantly followed him inside. He shut off the alarm as I just sat there on the floor. He surprised me, by sitting behind me and pulling me tightly into his body. He rested his chin on my shoulder as he rocked me back and forth. There was nothing sexual about this at all. It was just comforting a friend in a time of need. I began to break down again as I explained the story to him just as I had done with Mike. I sat and cried in his arms for over an hour as I let out everything in my system. He had said nothing as he continued to hold and comfort me. Afterwards, I drove him home in silence. When he got out the car I grabbed his arm before he was fully out. He stared back at me as I pieced together a thank you. He flashed a quick smile and said anytime. He watched me drive away as I made my way back home...
I didn't understand how much work went into planning a funeral. I would explain, but I think I'll leave this part alone. It's something I hope that none of you ever have to go through. I helped his dad and brother make all of the different arrangements to make sure everything would be good to go by Tuesday. The day before, his body was viewable (the wake). I went over there after getting off from work. Once there, I asked the receptionist to point me to the right direction. The LAST THING I wanted was to walk and see other bodies. When I got to his body, I was surprisingly calm. He looked just as if were sleep...except in a suit and tie. I ran my fingers through his hair as I began to reminisce about moments between us...the chance meeting in the hallway...him catching me checking him out in the swimming locker room...the first kiss...our first Christmas...I was shaken out of those thoughts when I heard a booming voice behind me.
"I'm glad to see that you are in better spirits." Justin said with a hopeful tone.
"Well I'm doing the best I can. It's really hard."
"I know it is, Sam. You are a strong guy and I know that you will do your best. That's all anyone can ask of you." He patted me on the back.
"Thanks. Sorry that I haven't returned any of your calls..."
"No need to apologize. I totally understand. I was hoping that I'd find you here though. I wanted to talk to you about a few things."
"Ok."
"Well I know that you didn't hear the full story of what happened to him so we'll start there. The whole way up to Denver he was silent. He had been doing that a few days before, but he looked really calm those times. Tuesday, he looked really sad. At first glance, you would have thought he got into an argument with you or his brother. Before his match, he thanked everybody for their support. The fans and the guys in the back. I didn't understand why he did that, but after what took place I think he knew."
"Honestly, I got the same feeling." I explained to him the conversation we had the day before.
"That's really odd."
"Why?"
"...We'll talk about it later. What are you going to do now?"
"Do now as in what?"
"About your job and school. Are you going to tell your parents?"
"I don't want to think about that right now. It all can wait until after Tuesday."
"Ok. If you need ANYTHING, you give me a call ok. I'll leave the two of you alone." He said with a pat on the back as he glanced in the casket. His face turned pale as he turned away to leave. Justin was an extremely good friend to both of us. I know it hurt him too since the three of us we're really good friends. I think he would have cried, but he didn't want to show it in front of me. I stood there for a long time just gently touching his face as I thought about stuff. I didn't cry as I left that day. I went back home and did the honorable thing: I returned the phone calls. I didn't give a detailed explanation, but I did let them know about Andrew. That led to other friends finding out and giving calls and condolences as I just took it all in. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I fell asleep early wondering what would be in store for the next day...
I awoke at noon with just an hour to spare. My mind was blank as I showered and dressed in my black suit and dress shoes and made my way (borrowing my sister's car) over to the church. It was a very emotional service. He had lots of people there. Of course his family was there, most of his extended family, friends from both Palmer and Sierra, neighbors, members of the church, co-workers, a few of his friends from the internet, fans from our wrestling fed both young and old, along with every single person involved with our wrestling fed. I sat between Jason and Justin as things went along. The casket was open throughout the service, and sitting really close was really killing me inside. It had finally set in that this would be the last time I would be able to physically see him and touch him. Lots of people gave kind words to go along with the pastor's. I personally couldn't do it as upsetting as that was...it wasn't the time and place to cause a scene (his mom adamantly refused that I show up) and I knew that I wouldn't be able to get through anything. Towards the end of the service, his father stood and asked that Andrew's final request be honored. Jason gripped my hand tight as he obviously knew what was to come. I had no idea and was just as curious as everyone else. The pastor asked for the speakers to be turned on and for the song to be started...at that moment, I knew exactly what was coming next. I knew that Only One was going to be played. I mouthed the words silently as I fought to hold back the tears. After it was over, the body was viewable for everyone that wished to view. The family would be the last to view, with one exception. His dad pulled me aside to tell me that I would be given a few minutes after everyone had viewed. I started to object, but the look in his eyes told me that he meant it. After he and his wife, I was left alone for the final time with Andrew. I took a final look and gave his body one final hug. The smile on his face was comforting and I gave him a final kiss on the lips and turned to head outside with tears in my eyes.
Everyone followed to the cemetery to watch his casket be buried. It was another emotional time as we all watched on in silence. After it was over people started to disband. I was in my own little world when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey Sam." Mario said meekly. "Sorry about Andrew." Anger filled my body, but I was able to keep myself under control...at least with all the people around. I gave him a hug and as he pulled away I held him tighter.
"I don't ever want to see your face ever again...don't talk to me again...don't look at me again or I will break your fucking face! I hate you and hope you live a miserable life." I whispered in his ear. He again tried to pull away as I pulled even tighter.
"Sam, let go." He squeaked out. "You're hurting me."
"I'm hurting you? Good. That's all you've ever done to me since we found out about each other. I hope you're happy now. YOU helped ruin my best chance of being happy in my lifetime...Rot in hell asshole. I hate you." With that I shoved him away and he was very shaken up as he quickly walked away. Justin saw from a distance and I'm sure he had an idea of what kind of conversation we just had. On my way out, I ran into Jason. He was holding up pretty good and we had a short chat. It was short because his mom spotted me. She quickly approached and slapped me hard in the face yelling that this was all my fault. I turned to walk away when she grabbed my neck from behind and started to choke me. She was quickly pulled off by onlookers, but the damage was already done. I fixed my jacket and made my way out. Justin tried to stop me, but I shoved him away. I needed to go home and have some time to myself.
Once I got home, I called Sean, Lizzy, and Mike to let them know that I was holding up good. I could hear Tim in the background when I talked to Mike (he must have picked up on it being me from hearing Mike talk) and he badly wanted to talk to me. I asked Mike to relay the message that I would see him later in the week after I was feeling a little better. After talking to them, my sister ventured her way into my room. I didn't say much, but I assured her I would be fine. I showered and laid down in bed listening to my mp3 player. Funny how once something bad happens, it seems like every slow/sad song is singing to you. I rethought the day's events and wondered how things would be from now on. I had basically ended any contact with Mario which I didn't feel bad about. I had retired from wrestling because I couldn't face being in the ring...the same ring in which Andrew had his heart attack. I was forcing myself away from my friends and family until I could get a better grasp of my emotions. I had to figure out what to do with school and work. Could I handle both? For that matter, could I handle either? And the last thought I had was something I was willing myself not to think. How would I deal with being alone? I had lost not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend...
And this signals the end of the 2nd part of the story. Lots of things were going through my mind at this point as you can imagine. So now we see where things go from here. How do I cope with this new change? Will Mario change? School? Work? What becomes of my friendships with Tim and Justin? Do I let wrestling go forever? Work on Chapter 20 will start on Wednesday. Like I said earlier, I'd like to be done with this before the end of March so I know what has to be done.
Part 1 - Beginning Part 2 - During Part 3 - After
Those were the three parts I've been referring to the entire time. Some of the chapters don't fully apply, but you can see where I was going with it. And lastly, here is an excerpt from a term paper I wrote the following semester in college. The theme of the subject was "your biggest loss". It was a 10-page long paper, but I feel these 2 pieces best summed up my feelings:
"For some reason, I get the feeling that when death approaches, you are able to see it before it comes. There is no other explanation for the last conversation between Andrew and me. At the time I was thinking he was just having one of his weird moments, but I now know that he was speaking from his heart just like he did on his last day...
I can honestly say that to this point in life, I have never felt such pain and loss as I did that day. Part of my soul and will to live, left with him. I was deeply hurt and felt lost. The one person that I would do anything for was gone forever. My soul mate and best friend...."
(June 18, 1988 - January 4, 2005)
Chapter 20: An Emotional Overload (Tim and Mario)