** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so no copying or publishing without my consent!**
Finding Andrew
Chapter 23 - Stepping Out the Closet
I began to feel nervous about the many walls I was going to try and break down. What would my friends think? My family? Co-workers? Fellow classmates? I wasn't sure what different reactions I would get, but the little that I did know didn't leave me too optimistic.
First, do you remember when Andrew started to come out? How he got put out of the house? How his mom TOTALLY stopped caring for or about him? How he had to change schools to lessen the harassment? Seeing what he went through and the stress he dealt with everyday, made me put it off as long as possible. And then there was Jake. I don't want to go into too much detail since I can't really ask for his approval......let's just say his experience wasn't much better. Four different high schools, had to live with a couple of his boyfriends until he graduated and moved onto college, and he had no contact AT ALL with his family. Not with mom, dad, or his little brother. Not even during the holidays. And then I got to see a guy by the name of Charles (aka Sapphire...you just had to know that he would be harassed once that nickname slipped out) while in high school. Hmm, with everyone else having such a bad time, it made me question if it was worth it. But then I thought long and hard about the positives one night in late June.
How it felt to be living a lie with practically everyone (with the lone exceptions being Justin, Jake, and other internet friends). And did I learn nothing from losing Andrew? Would I be content with keeping it to myself my whole life? It had already been eating away at me for what seemed like forever. Having to keep my eyes off of guys altogether. Trying to act like I was at least remotely interested in the female species. I wanted to be me...the real "me". Be able walk around the mall and make the comment to a friend that "That guy is pretty hot" or "That guy is cute". I wanted to be able walk down the street holding the hand of my boyfriend. To be able to kiss him in public and not care about what anyone else thought...and really, isn't that the main reason we don't come out? The fear of what everyone will think of us. The fear of not being what is deemed "normal" by our society (and I'm talking about the USA since some other countries are onboard with treating gay people with respect/rights). I sat up late on that Sunday night and knew that I had to do it. I had to for my sanity and for the sake of doing what I felt was right.
That Monday, I felt like a totally different guy. I laughed looking in the mirror that morning as I looked like I was in a car crash (ugh...really not the proper punch line after the last few days). Eyes red, my face looked tired, looked a little pale...I was nervous. Even after a shower, pep talk from Jake, and playing some Yellowcard on the way to work, I still couldn't pull myself together. For weeks, I had been hinting to Sean that I had to tell him something really important. He would come up to my job to see how I was doing at least three times a week. Most of the time he would ask me what was so important. I could never bring myself to tell him because I was too busy thinking about the negatives. That faithful day set the wheels in motion. Sean was at home when I got off at around 5.
"Hello?"
"Hey Sean. It's me."
"What's up?"
"I need to tell you something."
"Is it this "important" thing that you keep not telling me."
"Of course...seriously though, I need to get it off my chest to someone. You ARE one of my best friends so I figure you should know. I mean you know practically everything that there possibly is to know about me between Andrew and cancer."
"True. So how do you want to do this?"
"Meet me at my job. I'll drive from there. Cool?"
"Ok. See you in a few." And with that there was officially no turning back. I was already waiting outside once he got there. He got in the car and I headed towards the highway. We rode in silence until we started heading north on I-25.
"Look...this is hard for me to tell you so I'd rather you just guess."
"Anything to do with your family?"
"Sort of yes and no...a lot more to do with me though."
"Ok...well that's a good start I guess. I really hate when you do this. I hope you know that."
"Yes I know and I enjoy it." I said smiling. The only smile I had all day. He kept making guesses over the next twenty minutes as I began to get a little nervous once I saw that he was getting colder and colder.
"I have no clue what the hell you have to tell me. Just say it. It can't be that bad..."
"Can't be that bad? Really? Ok, one more hint. Let's just say my dad would be a little disappointed in me."
"Disappointed?"
"Yup. The worst news for most fathers to hear..."
"You got a girl pregnant!?!"
"..."
"Umm, are you gay?" When he said it, I still felt a little nervous. It had been a long time (I'll go back to that little incident later) since someone really accused me or thought of me to be that. There was a short pause until I finally got a "yes" out. Sean was surprised...very surprised, but that didn't change things. He didn't think it was too big of a deal and was very interested in how I managed to hide it for so long. I told him everything, Andrew, Jake, DJ (...), and even a few more things he probably didn't really want to know. I made him promise to not tell anyone as I drove him back to his car. With that accomplished, I drove home and hopped on the internet. Not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe coming out wouldn't be all that bad. Jake was happy to hear that and told me that I should go down the list of the rest of my friends. THAT I wasn't really ready for. I went to bed early from stress exhaustion and woke up early for work the next day.
The next day at work was interesting. I worked the day shift and got a call from Lizzy which was surprising. At that point, I wasn't talking to her for a few reasons that I can't put on here since it really had nothing...well not much to do with me at least. We met at Taco Bell after I got off and we talked briefly. Once I saw where the talking was headed I wanted to break camp. She kept hinting about the fact of me being gay and I was both upset. With Sean for telling her (so much for promises...) and her for throwing it in my face. She was ok with it and found it surprising...seemed like a general theme. Well two down and good so far with voluntarily coming out...Why do I say voluntary you ask?
I don't really want to delve too much into THIS part of my life...and this wasn't going to be in here...so if it contradicts what I already posted prior in this chapter just bare with me. Remember how I went to PPCC to stay around Andrew? Wonder why school (college) has barely been mentioned so far? Here you go...
PPCC was a very tough experience for me in a lot of ways. It is a main factor of why I'm not currently in school this spring. The work doesn't bother me at all. It's the people. See I'm a tough person mentally but there is a point of where enough is enough. PPCC was a mixed bag when it came to the student body. Mostly older (older in this case is referring to 26 and up) students attended the school. Those of us who attended right after high school were kind of spread out. I got lucky to meet a group of teens in my first class: Jason, Mark, and Natalie. We didn't know each other prior and the only reason we sat together was because of our age. Lucky for us, age was one of many things we had in common. After a month, we were inseparable. We ate lunch together, talked on the phone all the time, and even went to some parties together.
Parties. That got me in a lot of trouble. For my birthday, Natalie held a party at her house. We were all there and I will admit that I did have too much to drink...HUGE MISTAKE. I practically got my ass kicked as I announced my gayness to everyone after getting the music cut off. If it wasn't for Mark, I probably wouldn't have made it out of there alive. Jason snapped and tried to tear me apart. Then throw in his other friends and you can imagine all the commotion that caused. When I finally got a hold of myself, I realized the stupid mistake I made. All these people that I had befriended were going to be lost...and worse was knowing that school was going to downhill as far as PPCC was concerned.
Things were going ok until I got confronted in the hall one day in the middle of November. A guy by the name of Nate caught me checking him out...stupid eyes getting me in trouble yet again. He stopped, frowned, and turned back headed in my direction. I bolted into a nearby bathroom hoping that he wouldn't follow. He busted in and slammed me against the wall. Fear set in as I had no idea what would happen. Would he beat the crap out of me? Would he force himself on me? Would he out me? Funny how quick things pop through your head in only a few seconds. His voice quickly brought me out of my thinking.
"There a problem fag?" The emphasis on fag let me know that this was going to be trouble. Apparently, my lack of an answer didn't help matters. "I SAID, IS THERE A PROBLEM FAG?" At that moment, Jason walked in the bathroom which saved me momentarily from a big problem. Nate glared at me as I quickly made my exit. I knew that Nate and Jason were buddies so the red flag and sirens were already going off. Also, Jason and Mark are in fraternities. In general, frats equal really masculine guys. The type of guys that wouldn't want to be associated with any lesser guys (in this case gay ones). The next day at school was awkward and I knew that something bad was coming. Jason refused to speak to me all day. Every look in my direction was one of pure hatred. It was obvious that Nate told him what happened. And I knew he would take his side...not like my side would have been much different. I managed to make it to that Thursday before the big confrontation took place. I was getting into my car that afternoon when I felt a hard blow to my knee. I dropped to the ground instantly as I felt a big pair of hands (pretty sure it was Nate since he was a tall guy) slam me into the side of the car face first. I heard laughs in the background and a familiar voice made me realize just what was going on.
"Yea boys check him out. On his knees like the fag he is." Jason's joke got his crew to erupt in laughter. I already had given in at that point. I thought Jason would have been understanding, but that was all out the window now. Needless to say, the five of them beat me down and even went one step further. They slammed the middle and ring fingers of my right hand in my car door. I yelled in pain as the door DID close. They were even a little caught off guard by it. My yells of pain caused them to run off before the calvary could arrive. I lied about not knowing who they were because I didn't want anymore trouble from them. They had to dig the keys out of my backpack to get the door opened. Once they got it open I was shocked at the site. The fingers were broken as I figured, but they really were broken. I can't really describe how they looked, but it was not for the weak of heart. I was taken to the hospital by Mark and Natalie to get splints. Five long weeks of not having full use of those fingers and every time I walked by Jason or one of his friends, I couldn't help but feel the throb of pain they caused me. I never let Natalie know...and still haven't to this day. Jason obviously isn't my friend anymore. Mark and Natalie still are. Mark will always deny hanging out with me to keep up his image (yes, he's a little shallow). Natalie, on the other hand, never wavered her friendship or support. She stood by my side until I ended up leaving that school. We are still very good friends now (right behind Justin) and without her support, I'd probably be dead. With the condensed version of that we can get back to the story...
Thursday I had the night off as usual, but I had special plans. I was going to tell Tim what I thought of him and about me. Very dangerous I know, but I also felt I owed it to him. I set everything up perfect as I had Tony leave a little early while I closed down the store. Tim came by as expected (we talked earlier that day) and stood in silence as I did my best to finish quickly. There was definite tension in the air. Tim looked nervous and I was scared. Scared of not only being rejected, but also of possibly losing a very good friend. I hate the line that says "they weren't really your friend to begin with". It's a lie. Coming out to someone is something that can take time to adjust. How much time you ask? Depends on the person. I can understand why some people can't get over or past it. It isn't fair, but they have that right. As prepared as I was, nothing could really get me ready for the crazy actions of that night.
After setting the alarm (for the store), we both left the store and hopped into my car. We sat there as the car ran in complete silence. It was a good thing that I had the music on otherwise I would have probably lost it. The silence was finally cracked when he started talking about problems with his parents. It looked like their problems were starting to carry over into his life. Not fair, but that does happen as parents sometimes take out their frustration on us. I would like to say that I listened intently. That would be a huge lie. My mind was elsewhere at the moment. I again was starting to get second thoughts. I never had did anything like this so I wasn't really sure how to go about it. We ended up making our way back to the store. I shut off the car and we again sat in silence.
"Sam, so what was it that you had to tell me? You look nervous." He said with his eyebrow raised.
"Nervous. Ha, try shaking." And yes I was very badly. Along with sweating...and stuttering.
"Why? You know you can tell me anything right? We're best buds. I trust you a lot."
"I know you do...but I don't know if I can do this." I avoided his eye contact as he turned to look at me. I could feel the heat of his gaze as he kept talking.
"It can't be that bad. You know you can trust me with anything. Anything man."
"..."
"Well does it have something to do with me?"
"Uh, I guess you could say that." I turned to look back at him and found myself lost in what I saw. I didn't see what I should have saw. I should have saw one of the best friends I had made since working at EB. I should have saw the Tim that wanted to talk about random stuff or hang out at the movies. What I saw was what the lonely part of me wanted. I saw what I wanted after Andrew was gone. Someone who I knew cared about me and that I could be with and be happy. The later thoughts got the best of me as I felt the rest of my body react to what was happening. I was able to fight the physical urge of what I wanted to do. Mentally I was picturing what could have been happening in the car...I don't think you really need the details. The part of me that had refused to even think about sex for the last couple of months. I had to get away before I did something I regretted. I got out the car and ran back inside the store. Tim tried to stop me, but once he saw my "problem" he backed away. He got a good laugh from it. As embarrassed as I was, I had to fix it since it wouldn't go away. I had two choices and decided to go with the more logical one. I locked myself back in the store and headed to the bathroom. Let's just say it was the quickest I've ever gotten off by a long shot. In less than two minutes I was done and after cleaning up I reset the alarm and headed back to my car. Again Tim ribbed me about the whole thing. He was enjoying it as I blushed the darkest shade of red humanly possible.
"No need to be embarrassed bud. It isn't like I don't beat off. As a matter of fact..."
"Tim, stop. This is killing me."
"Oh, is my little dirty talk turning Sam on? So how was it in there. I was kind of mad that you locked the door. I was hoping to bust in on you."
"...You have no idea. Look it's getting late so you should go."
"Not until you tell me what you need to tell me."
"Fine. I'll follow you home and we'll talk in your yard." I followed him across town to the familiar area. Once we got there we both parked and walked to the porch.
"Ok Sam. Spill it. I'm tired of waiting."
"You have to promise me two things."
"Geez, just tell me."
"Not until you promise."
"Fine. I promise."
"Ok. First you have to promise not to get mad at me. Second you have to promise you won't stop talking to me."
"Deal."
"Ok." I took a deep breath and we stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I finally got the courage to get it out. "I'm gay." The look on his face was one I'll never ever forget. Pure hatred, anger. I could see the fire burning in his eyes. He started to walk off, but I had to throw it all out there. There was no stopping now. "And I..." I was cut off as he turned and shoved me to the ground. The shock left me with no reaction. He stood over me as I looked up speechless.
"You faggot! You sick faggot! What the hell is wrong with you? All this time you were just trying to hit on me? All this time you just..."
"Tim it isn't like that..."
"WELL HOW IS IT SAM?" For one of the few times in my life I had nothing to say. I was too confused about lots of things and I didn't have the right words to say. I had no words to say for that matter. "Get out of my yard...as a matter of fact get out of my life." The tears welled in my eyes as I slowly rose to my feet. "GET OUT OF MY YARD. I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN FAGGOT!" I almost ran to my car to get away. I got home to find my mom in the kitchen. See tried to stop me, but I ignored her. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried myself to sleep. I made a big mistake and now I again would see how it was to lose a good friend.
I was not myself for the next few days. I wouldn't go on the internet. I declined all calls. Avoided people as much as possible. Work was no longer a release. I ended up quitting in the middle of July. The reminders all around the store were too much to handle. That following Monday I got a phone call from Jake early in the morning. He had to have known that the whole Tim situation turned out bad. I avoided talking to him at all turns. I decided to pick up the phone anyway.
"Hi Jake." I said still a little irritated.
"Wow, you answered your phone. Glad to see you still have a pulse dude."
"..."
"Ok, I have a lot of work to do in the next two weeks."
"Next two weeks? What are you talking about?"
"WELL, if you would answer your phone you would know that my flight leaves in the next thirty minutes. I'm headed to Denver so you better be there to pick me up."
"Flying to Denver? Why?"
"Because you need help. I know what you're going through. I took some time off to get you back on your feet."
"..."
"My plane lands in two hours. Just be there to get me ok?"
"Sure. Let me get dressed..."
"Well if I had the choice..."
"Oh give it a break." We both laughed at his usual high level of horniness. "I'll be there. Lunch on me ok?"
"Sure. See you in a few."
"Ok." Now I really was nervous. I had never met anyone that I'd known from the internet. This would definitely turn into an interesting two weeks...more so than I could have ever thought.
It has been a long time hasn't it? Well that is for many reasons. New job, problems with my living situation/friends/people. Let's just say that it took an outsider to make me realize a few things...this is a blog that I put up yesterday explaining it somewhat...
Sad thing is that I've gotten to the point where it depresses me keep writing. Angry emails from people in between long breaks in chapters. Bad feelings and emotions coming back up to the forefront. The last chapter I had up was around this time last month...the 22nd chapter I believe. 23 has been done for awhile and I haven't written a word since. What do I get out of putting this thing up for people to read? Lawrence made me realize that today.
See Lawrence is 18 and gay. I met him at the DMV today. Funny how easy it was for me to tell this time (hmm, maybe "gaydar" is real). He denied at first, but eventually he fessed up. We stepped outside (I'm sure not everyone wanted to hear anything we were going to be talking about) to talk in private. We talked for about an hour about lots of things. It started with the whole "coming out" and it all led to both of us being single and talking about our ex (we only really both had one). I told him about Andrew and even told him about the story I had written on a certain website for other gay teens/adults to see. Funny thing was that he actually was a reader of my story!
It was shocking to see truthfully, but also he reminded me of something. He had been through a really tough relationship recently and didn't know how things were going to be in the future. He really connected with the story because it had been something I had been through. Something that I had gotten passed and grown from...of course that isn't known yet in the story, but he could see that from talking to me. Reading "Finding Andrew" gave him the hope that things can get better over time. That there is someone else that has gone through the things that he'd been through. That he could look to those people for advice and know that they would be helpful in his attempt to get through like others had been for those in the past.
I'm ashamed of myself. I let my personal feelings towards things get in the way of what the story was intended to go up for. I let my bitterness towards those who have shunned me and attacked me (verbally) cause me to not post next chapters in spite of them. I let my emotions toward Andrew and Jake (along with the other guy who will no longer be referred to by name since he is undeserving) keep me from letting go...Letting go. Something that I should have done months ago. Stupid I know, but I am human. Talking to Lawrence reminded me why I was posting it in the first place. To bring myself to a level of peace, to help others who are going through similar situations, and to keep others from making the same mistakes I did. I now know I have to keep going no matter what. Since Justin had been my recent editor (I'll have to see what we can do about that one), I might have to do it myself for a few weeks at least. I'm headed to bed now and will edit chapter 23 when I get off work. I don't have much free time soon, but I owe it to those who have been reading to keep going. I owe it to myself as well. Thanks Lawrence for making me realize that I am making a difference.
Also for those of you that did read that correctly, Justin can't do a whole lot of stuff at the moment. He got in a car accident two weeks back and let's just say that I wasn't the most mentally stable person. He will be fine which is great. He is my roommate (I can explain that if needed) and best friend...I couldn't take losing someone else at this point in my life. He had his first surgery last Thursday and his second will be in the middle of May. People: PAY ATTENTION WHEN DRIVING! Him talking on the cell phone and messing with his music almost cost him his life. Thanks to Vince, Alex, Natalie, Lizzy, Zach, Cory, among others who have given kind words over the last few weeks. It's been tough for us and we both appreciate it. Justin will be adding his own section at the end of the next chapter to since he feels the need to say something to all of the readers...odds are its something that I won't like too much. Yea, after the talk we had last night I'm pretty sure. Sorry for the lengthy delay and hopefully the pace can pick up again now that life has slowed down.