** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so no copying or publishing without my consent!**
Finding Andrew
Chapter 27 - Rejection and Reflection
Things were very awkward after that Thanksgiving. I kept to myself even more than before as not even Justin was able to pull me out. My head was definitely more in tune to what I was feeling and how I was handling things, but I didn't feel the need to express those thoughts to anyone. Things were pretty routine for me. Wake up early, go out for a morning run, shower, eat breakfast alone, lounge around at home, and wrestle later in that evening. I was able to keep myself occupied with things until early December started to roll around. Things were going ok early, but December 9th would change that. Maybe I should go back to a few days prior before moving on.
Jake and I still talked some. He was probably the only person I could really confide in at that point in time since we were going through similar situations. He was doing so much better though. Maybe it was due to his age or even his higher level of maturity. Whatever the case, I really admired him. I was still trying to reach the level he was on. I remember the way the conversation went that night...
"So...how are you holding up Sam?"
"I'm fine."
"No, you aren't."
"YES, I am."
" I read right through it Sam. You can't let this eat away at you. Andrew wouldn't want that. Do you think he would like seeing you like this? You are tougher than this."
"..."
"Sam, don't do this to yourself..."
"Do what? I'm not doing anything. My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my body Jake. How the hell should I feel? He isn't coming back. I feel like I'm already dead inside." I said through a stream of tears. Again the mental toughness I had worked years for continued to fall apart as I struggled to deal with the negative emotions.
"Sam, it will get better. You just have to believe..."
"Believe? Believe? Why? What am I supposed to believe? That months from now that this pain will have completely gone away? Believe that my heart will suddenly mend back together? Is that what I should be believing? That isn't going to happen Jake. I loved him. With everything I had...everything Jake. I can't get over him...I never will....fuck dude. Fuck it hurts so much...you could never understand."
"Maybe I can't. Not that my mother and I got along all that great, but that hurts too. A lot more than you think it does. I also hoped that the bridge could be rebuilt. I will never get the chance. I can imagine how much you cared about Andrew. I'll never fully know because I have never developed feelings for someone like you did for him. But know this Sam, it is NOT the end of the world. You have to go on. For yourself, for your friends, but more importantly right now Justin."
"Justin..."
"Yea, the guy that you have routinely blown off all year. I talked to him last week and he really is hurt Sam. I know how tough things have been for you between Andrew and coming out. You have refused to see the whole picture. Justin has been there from January 4th. He was then and he still is now even though you refuse to let him help you. He cares a lot about you and you are pushing him away. I doubt that he is going to let you push him completely out of the picture, but you guys need to talk. He considers you a lot more than just his best friend. He thinks of you as family."
"..."
"Sam, you need him more than even you will ever admit. Do you remember Thanksgiving night?"
"Yea, what about it?"
"Do you remember the talk you guys had?"
"Yes. I told him that he was the only thing..."
"That you were thankful for. He told me that. It hurt him to hear you say that. Not because of you closing off the world, but that you refuse to trust him with all that is going on in your head."
"I don't want to burden him with my problems or bring him down."
"Why? He wants to be there for you. Let him."
"..."
"If not for yourself, for him. He cried when I talked to him Sam. He is very worried about you. You may have a lot of positives in your personality, but you are a shitty friend right now."
"Fuck you."
"Get mad, I don't care. If I was Justin I would have ditched your ass already. If you want to sit and dwell in self-pity, fine..."
"You know what, I don't think there is anything else we need to talk about. You've said enough."
"Have I? Go ahead and get off the phone and sit in your room and feel sorry for yourself. That's all you've been doing anyway. If you don't care about Justin and your other friends, fine. Don't expect them to wait around forever for you..."
"...bye Jake." I hit end and slammed the phone on the wall across the room. To say I was upset would be an understatement. Even though I knew he was right about most things, having to hear them did not help my mood. I refused to talk to anyone after that...
December 9th, 2005. Seemed like a normal day. The words from Jake were still ringing in my head. I finally broke down and decided to sit down and talk to Justin. I did owe it to him...as a friend at the very least. I remember waiting in the kitchen after he was done with school. He slowly approached the table as I sat eating leftovers from the night before. Probably figuring that I was still in a non-talking mood.
"Hey Justin. How was school?" The look on his face was hard to place. It seemed like relief and caution rolled into one.
"It was good. Uh, how was your day?" You could sense the nervousness in his voice. More importantly, you could sense the tension in the room.
"The usual. Look, I really thing we should go somewhere. Maybe to the skate park?" No matter how much I tried to plan the conversation the night before, I couldn't get the words to come out the way I wanted them to. At that point, it didn't matter. What mattered was that I was making the effort and reaching back to Justin. He smiled from ear to ear as he recognized the gesture.
"Sure. Let me set my stuff down and change. I'll meet you downstairs ok?"
"Cool." A few minutes later I was making the short drive through the downtown traffic to reach our destination. It was pretty empty just as I was hoping. Justin dropped his board and quickly made his way to the skate ramp. For a few minutes I watched him do trick after trick as I sat on a nearby bench. I really missed just hanging around my buddy. It was refreshing to see him in such a good mood. I knew that my attitude probably brought down his when we were around each other. He slowly made his way over after tiring himself out.
"I hope what I'm thinking is the real reason you wanted to come down here."
"You probably know what it is. Justin...I don't really know how to say this to you. Saying I'm sorry is not strong enough to say what I'm thinking. I do know that I've been very unfair to you. I never meant for things to get this bad. I hope we can get back to how things were." I couldn't look up because I was scared of his reaction. I know at some point he had to feel really pissed with me about the whole situation. He would never admit, but I know him very well.
"I hope so too. Like I said, you are my best friend and I will be there for you always. That will not change." He pulled me into a one-armed hug as I started to tear up. Thankfully I didn't break out into a full on crying episode, but Justin got the message. I really was sorry and it hurt me as much as it did himself. We had a great time for most of the day. We were playing Madden later that night when I got a call. I wasn't exactly thrilled to see that it was Jake.
"Hey Jake."
"Is this Sam?"
"Yea, who is this?"
"This is Jake's father. How are you doing?"
"Not too bad I guess. And yourself?"
"Well..." I didn't like that pause.
"To what do I owe this call? Not too often I get a call from a parent of a friend."
"Well I wanted to ask a favor of you...as does Jake's boyfriend. Are you busy next Tuesday?"
"Probably not. Why? What's going on? Something bad happened to Jake...didn't it? What happened? Where is he?" I started to get a little hysterical as Justin just watched in silence.
"Sam, Jake was in a car accident last night on his way to work..."
"No...he has to be ok. Please tell me he'll be ok."
"I know this is tough to hear like this, but he isn't. He's gone."
"...not again...not again...not again..." Jake took the phone as I slumped against the bed and started to break down. I didn't hear anything that Justin was saying over the phone. I was in another world as I struggled to understand the truth. Why? How? I couldn't take it. I got up and grabbed my car keys. Justin was very quick to get off the phone.
"SAM! SAM!" I tuned him out as I started to open the door. He came slamming his body into it to keep me from leaving.
"You are NOT going out like this!" You could see the fear in his eyes.
"Justin...I need to be alone right now."
"Not now. Please don't go anywhere. Please stay. I'm begging you Sam. Please don't go." He started to cry as I backed away from the door. I slammed my fist into the door in sheer anger as I walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. Justin sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me as he rocked me back and forth in comfort.
"Why Justin?" I choked out.
"I don't know Sam. I really don't. I'm really sorry."
"Sorry isn't going to...bring him back. He helped me with so much..."
"Sam you need to calm down. You can't afford to let your blood pressure get too high." I pushed Justin away as I stood up and looked at him in total disbelief.
"Do you really think I give a damn about my health right now Justin? Jake died and that is the ONLY thing I care about right now!" My outburst shocked Justin as he started to cry again. "I need to be alone. I'm going for a drive."
"You can't drive like this." He again pleaded.
"Well I'm not staying here..."
"Sam, don't do this."
"Don't do what Justin?" I knew what he was implying and the silence said it all.
"...I won't." I barely got out.
"Thank you." He said as he stood up and hugged me tightly. "It was an accident Sam. The weather caused the truck drive to slip on the road. He feels like shit...it was an accident Sam."
"Yea, but he is still alive. Look Justin, I'm not in the mood to talk about this right now...I'm going to go for a drive right now. I need to be alone right now. I promise I won't do anything." He still wasn't sold on that, but he trusted me.
"I trust you Sam. I'll be up when you get back. We can talk then. Please be careful."
"I will." I grabbed my keys and drove around downtown. After about twenty minutes, I headed towards I-25 and made my way to Colorado Springs because I had a particular person in mind. Now that I had some time to at least keep myself together...better at least, I gave Sean a call.
"Hey Sam."
"Are you busy?"
"Not really why?"
"Are you hungry? I really need someone to talk to." I explained the situation as best I could without getting into detail. We agreed to go eat at IHOP. I picked him up and we made our way over. The car ride was very quiet because I didn't really know what to say. When we got there we ordered and Sean started the talking.
"You know Sam, you've had a bad year."
"Yea..."
"But I know you well. You will get things back together. You are a good guy. A great friend."
"But this is starting to become too much. It's too hard Sean."
"You are better than this though. You will make it through."
"For what? I don't have many friends. Most of them ditched me after finding out I was a fag. Hell, my parents turned their back on me. What am I surviving for? First Andrew, now Jake...am I cursed? Is being friends with me a death sentence?"
"Shut the hell up Sam. You are NOT cursed. You have no control over what happens around you, only how you deal with it. You still have your real friends. Justin is here. I am here along with Steve and the rest of the group. You don't have to have a bunch of people around you to call friends. All you need are the ones that really matter."
Our little chat continued...more of him picking me up. I remember two things after what I already stated. One, was that he thought pretty damn highly of me. When someone refers to you as a brother, that means a lot. Also he made me promise two things to him: that I would call him if I ever needed anything and that, for no reason whatsoever, that I would ever give up on life. We pinky swore on it (we got a good laugh out of that as it was something that was more of a middle school thing) , but he had my word. I would do my best to keep my end of the bargain.
After dropping him off, I made my way back to Denver. And as he promised, Justin was waiting up for me. It was just after 11:30pm when I walked into my room finding him staring out the window. I could see that he had been crying still. He would be the first to talk.
"...I really didn't think you were coming back."
"I promised you I would."
"Are you going to go to the funeral?"
"Yes. Tuesday?"
"Yea. I take it you don't want me to go with you?"
"Don't take offense, but I don't. Just me."
"Ok. I'm just happy that you are back...I was getting worried that you really were going to kill yourself. I know you're mentally strong, but even I see that it's slipped away more and more as the year has gone on." He was right.
"...Justin. Can you promise me something."
"I won't Sam. I won't go anywhere. Not now or ever."
"Thank you."
We did talk a little more that night, but it's really hard to put that stuff up here. We finally had the talk that we should have had sometime early in the year after Andrew died. For the first time in a long time, I felt relaxed. Justin lived up to his promise as did Sean. I tried hard to open myself back up to those that cared. It was tough, but it was a work in progress. Most nights Justin slept in my room to help keep me from stressing. It was comforting, but it was not the same. The funeral was depressing as expected. I talked to his father who had been very concerned about my mental state after the talk he had with Justin when I left. Jake's boyfriend was very devastated. I put on a tough facade as I tried to give him encouraging words. Funny that I was so willing to try and help ease his pain, yet I had utterly refused for months to let Justin do the same for me. Sometimes being put in a similar situation in the opposite role can open your eyes.
When I made it back home, I talked to Justin about the whole ordeal briefly. He could tell that I didn't really want to talk about it so he let it go. With Christmas around the corner, I definitely tried my best to brighten my mood. It was obvious where my mind was as the year closed out. But I still did have a good Christmas. My grandmother (mom's side) came out to spend Christmas with the family as she was going through a tough time of her own losing her husband of many years. I didn't talk much, but I did enjoy most of the day I spent there. My parents got me a guitar which was something that I was excited to get along with the amp. My mom thought it would be something that would help me keep my mind going and to keep me from focusing on the depressing year I had: mission accomplished. After eating dinner, I would head over to eat more with Jason and his parents. It was a very somber mood, to say the least. I could still sense the resentment from Andrew's mom, but we all managed to have a good time. Jason and I talked in private about Andrew for close to an hour before I left and headed to my last stop before heading back to Denver.
As I slowly made my way through the cemetery, I had a lot running through my mind. I remember how great last Christmas had been. Things were so different. I had Andrew, good friends, good job, supporting family, and I was happy. Now I had none of those. Or in some cases, very little of it. When I finally reached his grave I sat down facing the mountains as was his body. I stared as I again though back of how things used to be...
It was a cold fall day during my senior year as we were walked through a park downtown in Denver. Leaves crunching beneath our feet as we made our way to a nearby mall to meet his brother for a day of fun. It was rare that Andrew got to actually see him since Boulder was about a 90-minute drive...one that Jason didn't like to make that much. Andrew was really excited about me getting a Saturday off and for everything to work out pretty smoothly for all three of us to meet up together.
"I wish we could do this more often." He said as the grin stayed plastered on his face.
"Me too buddy. For that matter just being able to hang out more. I'm happy your parents let you come."
"Well even if they said no I was going to anyway." We laughed as we continued to make our way across town. Driving would have been quicker, but walking was much more calming. We took a break at around the halfway point. We sat on a bench when Andrew leaned into my shoulder and rested his head on my shoulder.
"Andrew, can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"What made you so sure that I was worth all the trouble?" He took a minute to think before giving his answer.
"Sometimes you meet people in your life that really give you a weird feeling. I couldn't place what that feeling was at the time, but over time I started to realize it. You are a good guy. You've also done a lot to help me grow and deal with issues of my own as well so don't forget that. I love your personality. You are so much fun to be around. I wasn't sure at first though. You seemed so quiet from a distance. After getting to know the real you, I'm happy I took the chance."
"I'm glad you did. Because I don't think I would have ever did it." He grinned when I said that.
"I know. I wasn't planning on it either. There was one reason why I did though."
"And what was that?"
"This..." He leaned in to kiss me not caring that we were in public. "To be able to feel the way I feel right now. To be able to say that I love someone and know that I get that feeling in return." I smiled at that because I knew it was true as well. "Now let's hurry and meet up with Jason before he decides to ditch us." We again continued our trek to the mall...
I shook my head at the recalling of that memory. Everyone had been telling me that losing him would be something that I would eventually overcome. I didn't see it. The hurt was still as bad as it was in January. I did have more control of it to a certain extent, but it never went away. I sat and thought out loud about certain feelings regarding him that came to mind. A few hours later, I returned to Denver to find Justin watching a movie with his girlfriend. I said my hellos and made my way to my room. He said thanks for the gifts (a game that he badly wanted along with a new skateboard) before I settled in to a comforting evening of gaming. Later that night he would come in before heading off to bed.
"Geez Justin, put on some clothes. All you do is walk around in your boxers." I joked.
"Oh don't tell me you don't like it." He countered. There was an awkward pause because in that moment in time, it made me think of similar moments with Andrew...He was able to pick up on that pretty fast. "Sorry Sam, I didn't mean to bring him up. I know today had to be rough."
"Not as bad as I was planning on it being. No complaints."
"Before you go to bed, I have something to give you. Two things actually." He ran out and came back with two neatly gift-wrapped boxes."
"No way you did this by yourself." He frowned as we both laughed.
"Fine my mom did it. Hurry up and open them." His girlfriend made her way in as well and sat down next to him as he watched in anticipation. The box had two separate boxes inside. I reached for the smaller first, but he insisted that I open the bigger one. It was a book of tabs and chords from the Ocean Avenue CD. I smiled wider than I probably did all day.
"But how did you know..."
"I had a talk with your mom about the guitar. I was the one that hinted towards it. I knew that this would be something you would hunt down so I figured why not do it myself."
"And I helped him find it since he had no idea what tabs and chords were in the first place." His girlfriend laughed as Justin scowled.
"Well thanks guys. I'm a little tired, so I probably won't mess around with it until tomorrow. Thank you."
"Not a problem, but that is not the big gift. The other one is the one that matters the most. It didn't cost as much, but I think you'll like it a lot." I slowly opened it as they watched in anticipation. What I found surprised me. Most people have seen those rubber bracelets that are so popular these days. That's what it was, but for me it was a rainbow colored one. I laughed upon seeing it until I saw the message: Strength from Character. I looked at Justin and the eye contact said everything that was needed to be said.
"Let's leave Sam alone for the night. Glad that you liked your stuff bud."
"Have a good night Sam. Good to see you in a better mood."
"Thank you guys. Have a good night."
"Oh we will, won't we Justin?" I rolled my eyes which caused both of them to laugh. I looked out the window as I turned on my stereo. I found the cd that I was looking for - Ocean Avenue - and skipped ahead to song six - Only One - as I set it on track repeat. At some point, I stopped hearing the words as I contemplated the phrase again, "Strength from Character". Justin was smart so I got what he was saying. He believed in me. All of the doubts I had were my own. My other friends believed in me...but in order for that all to matter, I had to believe in myself. That night I made a personal vow to myself: 2006 would be a bounce back year. I wasn't really sure how I was going to do that, but it was going to happen. I owed it to myself to try...