** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so no copying or publishing without my consent!**
Finding Andrew
Chapter 28 -- Hitting Rock Bottom
I tried really hard to keep myself from cracking. Losing Jake hurt a lot. Looking back, it really brought me even closer to Justin. With Jake gone, I opened up more to Justin because I really had no choice. Either I could kill myself on the inside by keeping every feeling I could muster locked away or I could try to express them to my best friend and let him help me to make it through the rough times. For once, I made the right decision. Justin really was great. He knew when to ease off, but he always kept me going. There was a time in early February where my mind really just couldn't keep things going. I fell into that very dangerous pit of self-reflection. I sat in my room for over three hours contemplating that word...Justin sensed my mood at dinner and it led to a very emotional conversation. That is way too personal to put up here. Needless to say, it obviously did well since I'm here typing this. We both ended up in tears at the conclusion and we didn't talk for a few days because things got really awkward. Towards the end of that month, I decided to get back into the "normal" world and get a "normal" job. Wrestling was great, but it is not something you would consider normal when you think of typical jobs. Even though I was finally being able to get my feelings under control, I needed the extra distraction to help me get over the hump.
At the beginning of March, I got my new job at a sports store in Colorado Springs. Not the brightest idea with the hour drive to and from, but the extra time that it would take was what I was looking for. Also, it would be a way of forcing myself to interact with people. With wrestling it was different. There would never be a big call for it as long as things were worked out with your opponents/partners. I was interested to see if it was possible for me to get some of my old life back. The first month was going great. I was slowly starting to open myself back up. Justin was proud as he would always say, "It's about damn time loser." A joking matter of course, but it made a little happier to see that he was happy too. We had a weird conversation at the end of the month, but I didn't think too much of it at the moment...if I had known what I do now, it's very possible that things could have been very different. I was doing homework from an online class when Justin plopped down on my bed.
"You busy Sam?"
"Even if I was you would bug me until I stopped." I said with a smirk.
"You know me so well. Good at least one of can say that." I looked up and saw a face I could not read. I was not sure where this conversation was going and decided to humor him.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I just wish you would talk about yourself more. Not like you're a bad person or anything...well, you aren't. I have some questions that I want you to answer."
"..."
"Exactly what I'm talking about. Always so secretive about things..."
"Force of habit I guess. Sometimes I don't like to talk about everything..."
"I am your best friend. If you can't trust me, who can you trust?" He had me there and he knew it.
"Fine...what do you want to know?"
"What is it like being gay?" That stopped my typing in my tracks. That was not what I was expecting. I thought for a second before giving my answer.
"Not much different from what it's like to be straight. I don't feel any different." You could see the wheels spinning as he took in the words and formed the next question.
"What about in public?"
"It depends. I'm not the most obvious guy in the world, but I don't shy away from it. Yea it does suck that it is frowned upon to kiss and hold hands in public. Hell, I don't really care. I have no shame in liking guys...and liking...well you know." My face turned red as my attempt at a joke went bad. Justin just grinned, as he knew what I meant.
"Well let me ask you another question. How far did you and Andrew go?"
"NONE of your business you perv."
"I'm just curious on how different it is."
"It can't be that much different. You are a smart guy...you can put it together. It's enjoyable and I'll leave it at that."
"Do you wish you were straight?" That was a question I had asked myself tons of times over those last few years. The answer still remained the same though.
"I'm happy with the way I am. I would have missed out on meeting some really cool people. I have no regrets at all."
"What do you think of me?"
"No way in hell, I'm answering that question. You're straight so it wouldn't even matter."
"I'm just curious what you think. Just in fun buddy. Nothing will change between us I promise. Just tell me."
"Justin...drop it. We are not having this conversation."
"Ok, all you have to do is say no." We looked each other in the eye and I got really silent. He slowly formed a grin on his face. "So I was right! You think I'm hot don't you?" Again I sat in silence. It would be embarrassing to admit it, but the silence was doing the same as I failed to realize. "Wow, this is pretty awkward. My best friend is attracted to me..."
"Ok, ok, ok. Fine I admit it. But you are straight, you have a girlfriend, and more importantly we are best friends. I would never do anything to compromise that. He nodded his agreement and we talked for another hour about other things he was curious about in my "gay life". I wasn't really comfortable talking to him about it, but he was persistent in dragging it out of me. After it was over I let out a sigh of relief. The fact that he wasn't thrown off by my admission made me shake my head. I hated that he got it out of me, but at least it was out and done with.
It seemed like everything was going well. That was until April 4th. I was getting ready to leave work when I got a call from Justin's mom. Nothing unusual as she had became my mom in a sense. It would be a call that I was unprepared for. He had been going somewhere with a friend and did not pay attention when merging onto the highway. Playing around with the music and not having his eyes on the road got his car smashed. We are not talking about just a big dent either. His car was done. Period. How they were able to pry him out, I'll never know. At that point, he was in critical condition and the doctor was not really sure how he would end up. After hanging up, I stood there and just took it all in. Was I about to do this again? Another loss? I cried, and I couldn't stop it. I just fell apart as all of the memories of Andrew and Jake crept back into my mind. Sometime much later, I was finally able to make my way back to Denver. I was only able to see him for a few minutes as they did not want anyone in his room. What I saw was very depressing. His face looked bad and all of the tubes he was hooked up to only made my mind play out the worst scenario. Going home that night was hard. Alone...it was something that I didn't want to be. His mom called twice that night and I refused to answer. Truthfully, I was scared. I didn't want to hear any bad news. Not with Justin. Not after everything that he pulled me through. Losing him would basically cause me to lose myself...
The next day was long. I knew that he was still alive because I called the hospital to find out. They really aren't allowed to give that information, but his mom got me kind of added as immediate family so I could stay in the loop. I planned on spending as much time there as possible. Sitting in the room as he slept the day away, I was doing the only thing I could: hoping for the best. I never saw him awake, but I know that he heard me talking to him. That Saturday we got great news from the doctor. He would have to remain in the hospital for a few weeks, but he was going to be ok. He would have to have a few surgeries and be out of any laboring action for a long time. He was pretty down about it, but we all were happy that he was going to be fine eventually.
That first surgery took a lot out of him. Even though he was highly sedated on meds, he was still in so much pain. It hurt to see, but I knew how tough he was. He was going to suck it up and deal with it. He did move back in around the end of the month after a very venomous lecture from his mom. Really, I think Justin was probably wishing that he were still in the hospital after hearing that. I did have my fair share, but I was not nearly as harsh and mean as she was. He was stuck in bad the whole time and had to be helped to do everything except playing games. So, I moved the 360 from the living room to his room to help him stay entertained. I played a lot with him and we talked a lot. His mom and girlfriend were over daily to make sure that he was doing fine. The one big issue, in my eyes at least, was him taking a shower. He just didn't have the energy to do it so he needed help. Of course, he would refuse to allow his mom to do it (the pride of a male teenager). His girlfriend had to work too much to rely on her. That left only one person for the job.
"C'mon, Sam. It's not like you haven't seen me naked anyway." Justin pleaded. If I didn't agree his mom was going to be the one doing it.
"It makes me feel uncomfortable."
"Just close your eyes. I don't care, just be a bud. I would do the same for you."
"That doesn't make me feel much better about this." And it didn't matter because I ended up doing it anyway. To say it was uncomfortable, was an understatement. No details on this one. How we managed to get through those days without something dumb happening I'll never know...especially when he kept joking about it the whole time. Damn asshole lol.
Things slowly were progressing until I detected a change. Well, to be technical about it he had never been the same sense he got back from the hospital. Almost as if he was not, "Justin". I didn't know what was going on in his head, but I never forced it out of him. He got defensive whenever I brought it up, so it got dropped most of the time. He was not really able to move a lot himself, but he convinced me to let him do some walking around town under my supervision. His mom never knew, but he seemed to be doing better than either of us expected physically. That cloud hanging over his head never went away though.
"Justin we need to talk. Something is bothering you and you need to air it out." It was bugging me to see this and not be able to do anything about it. We were eating dinner in his room and he ignored me as he kept his focus on whatever show we were watching. "Justin?"
"I don't want to talk about it. I can't talk about it." I looked in his eyes after that last sentence and for the first time in a long time, he looked scared. What could he have to hide that was that bad?
"You can tell me anything and you know that. I just want to..."
"What, help me? You can't even help yourself." The dryness in his voice could be detected. The words stung, but I was shocked to hear him say that. Whether he was right or not, I never thought I would hear him say that. I left the room and that would be all that was said between us for a couple of days.
Getting into May, we still were avoiding each other. I also noticed that his girlfriend was coming over less and less. His mom was doing the same because he was starting to push people away. One day, I stopped his girlfriend as she was in the process of storming out of the apartment. Maybe she knew what was going on in his head. As I called her name, she looked at me with an enormous amount of anger. I could tell it was directed at me.
"Screw you Sam! I hate you!" She pushed by me as she continued to the door. As she opened it, I shoved it shut.
"Ok, let's try this again..."
"All you homos are the same. Justin is straight! Leave his ass alone. He's mine! Damn faggots! You ruined him!" I took it all in slowly as she again opened the door and left. To say I was mad was an understatement. I've been called lots of things in my life, but the f-word still boils the blood even to this day. Especially by some dumb...bite my tongue. It was my best friend's girlfriend. Did I ever mention that we never really got along to begin with? Yea, Justin let her know when I moved in so everything was out in the open. Her perception of me changed almost instantly. Justin hated that we could never get along. He was serious about her and I tried my damndest to make it work. Not much effort from the other side, so I just gave up after awhile. She had her good moments, but they were few and very far between.
Anyway, enough with my rambling. I was annoyed now. Why did Justin tell her about my confession? Justin was going to talk and now! I stormed into his room to find him looking hurt.
"What the hell was that, Justin? I know you heard her. What the hell is going on in that head?" He stared back and put his head down. I slammed my fist onto his desk, which got his attention. "No more games! Neither one of us is leaving this room until you start talking. I don't know what is going on with you. Honestly, it feels like you aren't even the same since that accident. The old Justin that I was best friends with already died..."
"Is that how you feel Sam?" He asked with tears in his eyes.
"I guess it is. I don't know this Justin...and I don't want to either."
"...No one does." The emptiness he was feeling was very obvious in those three words. The look he had was one I would never forget. Almost like he was reaching out, but scared of doing it.
"Justin...I'm your best friend right?" He nodded his head. "Let me help you. We can talk, whatever. I don't like seeing you like this."
"You can't help me, not with this. This is something that I have to deal with alone." I shook my head as I turned to leave his room. "Sam?"
"What?"
"Soon. Just give me time."
"Ok." That was all that was said on that subject. Things were awkward between us, but I did my best to keep him active. We walked some so that he could continue to get himself ready for his second and final surgery. We played video games, talked about sports, and school, but he would never talk about what he was dealing with. It was frustrating, but I thought that waiting for him to feel comfortable would be best. That is still a decision that I question even now.
May 8th, 2006. Things seemed to start very normally. Justin was quiet as usual during breakfast. He said he really didn't feel like doing anything, which was the normal answer he had to everything. I was working a closing shift (2 to midnight) shift that day so I would be gone most of the day. Things were still going just fine as I started working my shift. Justin called my job around 5pm, which was out of character for him. I never take personal calls at work.
"Sam, I need to talk to you now. It can't wait. I can't wait anymore." He sounded weird, for a lack of better words. He was starting to really confuse me. Sad thing was it was not the right time.
"Justin, not now. As soon as I get home, I promise. Just hang in there."
"Can you leave work early? Please?"
"I can't. It will have to wait until I get off. I'll come straight home."
"Sure..." And he hung up the phone before I got a chance to say anything else.
When I got off, I called to see how he was doing. No answer. Ok, maybe he was mad. A sensible thing to think with the way he was acting. When I got home I went straight to his room to find him not home. I rolled my eyes figuring that maybe he was out walking. I started to walk back to my room, but something caught my eye. His wallet was on his desk. He always had it. I looked closer to see that everything in it was gone. Credit card, license, money, everything. I was starting to worry. I rushed to my room to turn my computer on to find that he had withdrawn his entire share of our joint account. I raced downstairs back to my car. I called his mom to let her know what I thought was going on. She called the cops as I searched high and low for him. Denver is not a small city. I was out for almost five hours frantically looking for him to no avail.
I was starting to get a bad feeling about everything. I could not understand what was going on. He seemed so far out of character and I couldn't figure out why. What was bothering him? Was it really that bad? When I got back home at seven in the morning, I was exhausted and hurt. Going to work was not something that I was looking forward to, and I really should have called off after having little sleep. But I decided to go. After a shower and a quick bite, I was headed back to Colorado Springs. All day long I seemed out of it as my mind was still back in Justin's room. I got a call on my cell phone around the end of my shift. It was his mom saying that they found him back at the apartment not too long ago. They were watching him and he was not talking...much at least. The only thing he said is that he wanted to see me. That was it.
When I got home, I saw his mom speaking quietly with two officers. I spoke with them briefly before figuring what to do with my friend. When I walked in the kitchen, he looked like hell. We talked for hours...six to be exact. I still could not pry out what was bothering him so much. We did talk about our friendship, his family, his now ex-girlfriend. We talked until we could barely stay awake. From that conversation one brief exchange stood out:
"Thanks for everything Sam. I'm so glad I have you as my best friend."
"That's what I'm here for. You know I'm always going to be there."
"Why do you have to be you? You are the perfect person. I just wish that I could find someone like you out there...it just isn't meant to be for me." I didn't get the right interpretation on that night. I was under the impression that he was hurt because he lost his girlfriend. I was way off base and it will make sense to all you readers in a few paragraphs.
I woke up May 10th feeling like crap. I was tired and I didn't want to leave Justin out of my site. I asked him if he wanted me to call off and just hang around home with him. He was supposed to be watched by the officers that I met the day before, but he assured them that everything was just fine. He seemed insulted when I said that. "Oh Sam? Don't you know I'm a big boy?" He joked with a smile. I laughed, but his mood change struck me as odd. Maybe that talk did do some good. I told him that we would go grab pizza for dinner and have a night on the town.
Work went by fast as I was really anticipating going out with Justin. Seeing him smile gave me the feeling that things were turning around for the better. I got a phone call from his mom almost right after my shift was over. I was wrong. To be honest, even now thinking of that phone call still causes my stomach to get that bad feeling. He was dead. She went to see how he was doing to find him laying on the floor of his room in a puddle of his own blood. The knife in his hand said it all. If it was possible to be dead while still breathing, that was exactly how I felt. Devastated. I could not leave my job...better my co-workers would not let me leave: I could not stop crying. I could not pull myself together. It took several hours before I could get myself together to make that drive home. The scene I saw when I got home will be one I never forget. The blood was still there. The note was still there. His room was blocked off. I felt sick to my stomach. His mom was in bad shape as well. I even saw his ex-girlfriend there. She looked sad as well. At the time, I was pissed seeing her because I thought it was over her. The words that I spoke to her were far from kind and definitely do not have a place here. I snapped on her and his mom for this. I was furious and had to be restrained from the cops that were still there. I had a hard time sleeping that night. I had officially hit rock bottom...
When I woke up from yet another nightmare I saw that his note was left by my pillow. A little soggy from the tears that I cried...but I could still make everything out:
"Sam,
First, I know that you feel hurt by this. I don't want you to. You are, well technically was, the most important person in my life. Sorry bud, jokes all the way to the end. You are a special guy, and one that I was glad to know for as long as I have. If only we had met years ago, things could be so much different. Don't be mad at anyone. This was something that I had to do. I wish I could physically tell you why things had to be like this. You would understand but it was too personal.
Don't you hate having to fight those inner demons? I wish I were as strong as you. You have overcome so much between coming out and losing Andrew. I always respected that about you. I also thought of you as a boxer. That annoying fuck that keeps getting knocked down, but refuses to stay down on the canvas. You get up and keep fighting. This is something that is not an option for me...not this time. I have a journal hidden in a special place. If you look hard enough you will find it and everything will make sense. Maybe not fully, but well enough that you will know what was going on. Please know that I didn't do this out of anger towards anyone. You mean more to me than any human being in my life. I just hope that you are still able to lead a happy life. Just know that I am happy now. I am at peace with myself..."
The rest has little relevance to this. It was long and I read every word of it over and over again. I took time off so I could go to North Carolina where his funeral would be held. Not a spoken word the whole time out there to anyone. I didn't want to be there, and I sure as hell was not relaxed as some others were. I didn't stay as I returned to Denver the day after it was over. It felt weird being in that apartment after what I knew happened. His note did let me know some of what was going on. The real question was did I really want to look at his journal? Would finding the truth give me any comfort to the whole situation? I contemplated it for a few days, but finally my curiosity got the best of me. I stepped into the room that was formerly the bedroom of my best friend. I lifted the mattress to find the notebook. I chuckled a little knowing why it was in that particular place. Let's just say that one day Justin was looking for something in my room a few months prior. I told him, under no circumstance, to ever look around my bed. Something along the lines of "finding something that you don't want to find". A funny ending to that incident. It left both of us a little embarrassed. I returned to my room and started at the back. I was floored with what I found:
5/9/2006
Sam,
I know you'll look. You have to know what was going on because I know deep down you cared. I was going to do it today. But I wanted to talk first. That's why I came back. I was going to run off and do it where someone would find me days later. You deserve better though. I really wanted to talk about it. I couldn't pull myself to do it though. It was too hard to say the words that I've always wanted to tell you. Though I am glad to say that you are the last person that I will ever talk to. It may make you sad, but feel privileged. You mean a lot to me. More than...well, I guess I'll start from that first day.
When we first became friends, I was happy. I have had many friends in my life, but I just knew that you were special. I knew that we would stand the test of time. The problem was that the closer that we got, the farther apart I felt from you. Andrew. I was jealous of him. How you always gave him so much of your attention and time. How he always came first...even before you at times. I always hated that. I saw right through his faults...but you were blind to them. Maybe it was because of how I really felt about you, but I never really liked Andrew. But I did for your sake. All I wanted was for you to be happy. You're smart enough to figure out what I'm trying to say.
Do you remember the day that you confessed that you were attracted to me? On the outside it may have seemed like I was confused...inside I was jumping for joy. I knew how much you loved Andrew. As much as you loved him, I was always feeling that for you. BUT, I would never put myself in between Andrew and you when you were dating. Not even after he died. You were so hurt. I knew then that there was never a chance for me in your heart. We were friends and that was all that I would ever be to you. I could not accept it. I tried for years, but I could not do it Sam. Those feelings just would never go away. I cried so many times over you. You have no idea. The nights after Jake died, I held you as you slept trying to help ease the pain that I knew you were feeling. That was as close as I could ever get to you and it hurt so much.
I could never tell you. I told my girlfriend and she flipped as you saw. I guess she was hurt to find that I never had those feelings for her. I was gay just like you. And I was in love with my best friend. A love that I knew would never be able to be returned. That is why I chose to leave Sam. I couldn't put any of this in the note because I didn't want my mom or anyone else to know. You always knew everything about me. Now you definitely do. Please don't hate me for doing this to you. Hopefully sometime later in life you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I had to do this. For us. I couldn't risk losing you altogether. But my heart couldn't take the pain anymore, nor could I. I'm sorry Sam. I really am. I love you.
Justin signing off for the last time
If only I could have seen it. He would still be here, and we would be doing just fine. I always questioned why I couldn't see it. Looking back I could see some instances where it would have been obvious. I could never tell...nor would I have ever thought because he repeatedly told me he was straight. He had a girlfriend and seemed so happy.
If only he would have told me. If only he knew that I felt the same way. After Andrew died, I eventually developed stronger feelings for him. Did he really think that I threw out the thoughts of suicide because he asked me as a friend? Hell, my other friends couldn't do that and I care about them a lot too. I didn't do it because Justin meant a lot to me. The irony I found in this is that he made me promise that I would not do it. Never willingly leave him via suicide, yet he did the same to me. I cared so much about him...and he never really understood how much. One simple talk could have solved all of this. If only he knew...