At first it was just another lonely teen looking for friendship or fun, flirting with others in the anonymous void of cyberspace. Yet when I logged out that night, I knew I needed to know more about him ,I knew in my heart something had changed inside me and that perhaps for once, l'd found someone complete. Perhaps this time it would be different.
So this is me. Sort of a blonde surfer dude. 15 years old , average build, average height, average feet, average looks, average family. Nothing special about me; just your average kid. Started to grow my hair long a few months ago; bit of an Emo look really if you follow that sort of thing. Dad thinks I look scruffy, but then what do dads generally know about fashion ? Mum loves it! She kisses my cheek and says "you look kind of cute sweetie". Blue eyes, fair complexion, decent Pecs, nice teeth; great smile. Though I say so myself, l'm not all that bad; A real catch for someone. "Bet you Have to fight the chicks off', people tell me with just a hint of envy. Well maybe I would if I hung around with them, but most of my friends are 100 percent male. Probably due to the fact I have no sisters and at my school, its strictly boys only. Lol ! Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with girls. I mean they can help you chose a nice shirt, know where to shop for cool clothes and great bargains, stop your mates knowing that its them that's giving you a hard on , that sort of thing . Great cover for gay guys like me. But as for spending time with them; never really seen the? point. I mean they know about music; some of them can even cook, and if they stop texting each other for just one minute, some of them can even spot a gay kid from 100 yards ... " OMG he so like gay"... but as for great tits and gorgeous arses, not quite me thing.
I guess I must have known early on I was different.
Love's a funny thing really.
One minute you?re just looking for a bit of excitement . Maybe the furtive glimpse of something private and hidden on a web cam . The next minute you can't breathe, your heart races, you can't eat, you can?t sleep, you can't concentrate, you can't think straight . You can't believe its happening to you. Then your heads in bits, your heart aches when they've gone and you dream about them constantly, and you count the minutes and the hours until the next emotion filled encounter when you?re on line together, caught by the love spider in its tacky World Wide Web, thrown together in its empty embrace - in the same room but not really there. Sure chatting on line has it draw backs. You can wait hours for someone to respond only to have your expectation dashed; your hopes destroyed as you realise that the anonymous chatter only wants to know how far you've gone and what's it like to get a blow job from a mate in the school bogs. A brief moment of lust, an adjustment of your boxers as you tell your story for the 100th wasted time hoping against erotic hope. Then they log out promisingly . BRB !!
But they never return.
Then you know it not someone like you looking for someone special . Then you know its probably some sad thirty something married executive looking for a cheap frill in his otherwise boring existence. Sat in front of his suburban laptop, trousers round his knees, pumping his semi turgid cock, dreaming of what it could have been and trying to reencounter how it used to be. Every time you cast your hook into the unseen water of the net, not knowing who'll bite, you hope that somehow when you hear the familiar ping, and the window opens ... ?Hey?
that this time whoever's there is somehow going to be different.
It was a Monday when we meet same routine as usual. .Hi ' Hey . Wanna Chat ? .K ' ASL? . 15MUK U? . 14MUk . Kool . WUUP2 ? . Nothin just hangin out ! U ? . Same borin really ! . Yeah LOL
How we got beyond the pleasantries and the fishing for information routine without giving too much away, I don't know. But somehow we must have, because we chatted for what seemed like a century and then another message came up behind the winking cursor
. MSN? . Yeah?
Cracked it !
Next minute his address came up
. addme!
After typing mine , I added him and then waited those heart churning seconds while you hope that you haven't put them off and quietly pray that they'll accept your invitation and remember to reply. That difficult moment when the msn window enlarges for the first time and you find out if they're a one eyed monster or not.
I hesitated for the briefest of moments before hitting the accept/send key. Was I going to be disappointed as usual ? Across the ether of the net his picture began to emerge for the first time. The flashing wireless connection signals his approach. Looking promising I thought. and then I smiled as my heart missed a beat and seemed to fall down into a pit in the bottom of my stomach where it's been ever since. I involuntarily gasped for breath. OMG. Why I was grinning all over my face and why had my whole body suddenly gone into shock? I loved him entirely and at once, and I knew, i just knew. He was sooooooooooooooo different. It was him. And so we chatted and laughed and giggled and dreamed. I began each day dreaming of his love and ended each night chatting till sleep robbed us of the sanity of speech and ability to see to type and to spell. With each day I felt us moving even closer together until at last I invited him to meet and he didn't deny me.
The morning of his arrival came slowly like the Christmas it was. I cleaned and tidied and did everything ready to prepare for his visit . My room the tree, and my body the presents. With military precision I planned what we would do, from meeting him from the train to showing him around my room. I rehearsed every word and gesture in my head, nothing would be left to chance and my family were commissioned to help me to welcome HIM . The hands of the clock moved slowly towards the fateful hour when we would leave for the station, each second a minute each minute an hour, but each movement bringing HIM closer to my heart. With each sweep of the hand it beat faster till I felt at least my head would burst with the pressure and I was forced to lie in the darkness and stillness and cry in fear and hope and longing and excitement and joy.
"Time to go love... or we'll be late" mum called from the hall. A last look in the mirror, a last spray of scent, a last sweep to make sure I was ready. The turkey was cooked, the pudding was ready, the table was laid, Santa was coming. lt was even time again.
How can I begin to describe that journey to the station that morning to meet him: The final leg of our search for each other? its familiar route has a compelling significance, no longer the daily trudge of a journey to school, the freedom of an outing with mates, the start of a holiday adventure. Now this was a beginning, a ride into the unknown destination of my heart. Each foot, each yard, each mile bring us closer together, raising my hopes for whatever might be.
We arrive to see a train departing and for a moment I worry that I have missed Him and lost Him forever, but the announcer reminds us of the briefest delays, works at rugby have bought me more time. l'm filled with the complexed mixture of relief and anxiety - only another 5 minutes, 5 more minutes and he will be here. The reindeer are ready. I hear the signal change before I see his train in the distance. lt rounds the corner, and slows to approach, its single white light like an eye to attract me, optical sleigh bells in the gathering brightness . Mum squeezes my arm and reminds me she is there. At last he is here. My mouth dries as he walks toward me, the barrier holds him till his ticket is checked. Then we meet unsure of what to do or say - I offer a hand in polite welcome , he shakes it uncertain too of how to approach me. "Good journey?" I ask some how forgetting the resolve of my plan. He grins, "yeah glad that that's over". A voice behind eases his shyness," Hello l'm Helen lovely to meet you at last" and with that she kisses his cheek and leads him into my life. I can't remember what i said as we drove from the station, an endless commentary of this place and that. lnsignificant places on particular meaning. This was my place and I wanted him to love it, my security that I want him to share. Once in the kitchen we enjoyed coffee and cake, our eyes meeting conspiratorially across the table, before shyly looking away, then looking again. So many dreams, so many plans, so much excitement, vet time being wasted on convention and duty. Our moment would come but first the pleasantries of family, the sharing of friendship of hospitality and welcome . The rest from a journey; the welcome to home. Polite conversation and irrelevant chatter. But then we were free and left to explore, climbing the stairs I let him upwards to my private delightment, that place of my dreams, of my hopes and my longing. At last he is here and I couldn't believe it. With the door closed we finally embrace properly for the first time. Not the clumsy bear hug of men and the slapping of hands on shoulders but the comfortable intimate embrace of lovers and friends. His breathtaking beauty is even more than I imagined it to be. His coal black hair shines as though full of light. His deep blue eyes glint clear and bright amidst the whiteness of the white behind them. His young face is full of pulsing colour and as I touch his cheek gently with my finger, I am unable to comprehend the scale of his external beauty. ln my mind I have imagined every line and cell on his face but now to see and to touch it in person for the first time takes mv breathe away and I can't believe how fortunate I am to hold this Adonis before me. Allwe can do is look at each other, him in the room me with my back to the door, as if protecting him and me from the crazy world outside. My heart races like the train that brought him to me such a short while ago. We reach gently out towards each other as he wraps his arms around me and draws me even closer into his heart i find my tears that complexed mixture of love and pain and joy and relief and hope and safety lubricating the space between us as i finally give myself over to him and feel at last him the same to me. How can this not be right if something this beautiful is worth living for then surely it is worth dying for too. How can this be the love that dare not speak its name ? Now his hands too explore my face and the smoothness of his gentle touch on my face sends message of tactile bliss through out my body - cryptic messages rushing through the network of my soul. This moment, though i could never have imagined it, is the moment I have waited all my life for. I make a silent promise never to let this moment go from my heart. It is something I will preserve forever. something to be cherished, remembered and relived. The opening thought of my day - the closing memory of my night. As he calls me back to him with his gentle breathe on my face, as if reading his silent thoughts and erasing his unspoken fears, I smile the smile of a thousand dreams fulfilled. Now youthful instincts tell us to begin. Tentatively he lifts his arm to remove his shirt. Helping him together we lift it over his head and discard it on the floor. His hairless olive skinned torso is just perfect for someone so young. Strong firm shoulders and chest sit evenly on his narrow waist. His stomach so flat and solid, seems as though carved in muscled ridges Tribute to the hours he has spent exercising on the football field. I simply cannot believe that such a beautiful boy is here in my presence removing his clothes and lifting my spirits.
Helping me we take off my shirt and the coolness of the air on my back does little to reduce the temperature of our love. Zips are tugged down, belts undone and his jeans fall unaided to the floor joined momentarily by my trousers. Stepping from them we press our hips together for first time. Through the cotton that separates us I feel his erect and pulsing manhood press up against my own frightened for a second that so intense is the touch this first uniting will be all too brief. Then as if sensing my fear he pulls himself back , and looking directly into my face he motions with his eyes that i should copy him. Putting his fingers into the top of his boxers he waits for me to do the same, my heart races even faster as with one slow unified moment downwards we remove the last vestiges of our hiddenness, and the final act of my dreams is concluded forever. At last, we are stark naked, fully erect and proud. For a moment my eyes leave his face to look what had been before a concealed mystery of his love, noticing that he too does the same. Like a model on the cat walk eager to impress its audience he twirls and circles so that nothing is hidden from me. Laughing the shy language of innocent love I follow him when he stops, and recognize his silent applause as he to gasps at my realized beauty. This time it is he who takes my hand and leads me towards the safety of my bed that place till now where my solitary imaginations have spilt so much of my own love. we lay at first side by side the moment too beautiful to hurry too precious to waste his gently fingers find mine and for a moment we hold hands like a child at home with its parent. i feel his gentle breath on my cheek as he draws even closer. the sudden spark of electricity as our bodies touch briefly for the first time and then as if knowing that moment is yet to come they move away cautious but unashamed. As i feel his lips draw closer to mine. I lose myself into vastness of his deep blue eyes, into his heart, hoping beyond hope that he loves me also. The fear of that moment passes as our lips meet and I relish the taste of the welcome coffee we drank some moments before. Gently, slowly, carefully I am drawn deep into his soul as his tongue invades my mouth, and examines each one of my teeth, the roof of my mouth, the inside of my cheek, and the curves of my tongue - an encounter I will remember forever. Our first kiss, passionate yet beautiful, becomes the foundation on which everything that follows will inevitably be built. I touch and taste and see this beautiful boy what will be will be. Without ever knowing its reason, believing nature has prepared us for this moment ... our passions take over and reason and cause is left behind. This is our giving and taking. As our love reaches its climax I call out his name as if for the first time, shocked at the beauty of its sound. HIM
It fills me with a pleasure that is so painful i find myself crying, fearful, unable to comprehend a life beyond his ever-loving presence. lt is such a frightening place to be that I want to run away and hide unable to dare to ask how he is ? did he feel the same? ls this HIS moment too ?
Gently he takes me in his arm and comforts me, as if sensing my unfinished fears. "HEY, don't be upset "he reassures me and with that I am overcome with love and nothing matters to me but HlM. Afterwards he dries my tears and comforts me, allowing me to release the monster that is within my mind and the love that is struggling to fight to compete for my soul. Now exhausted beyond my experience, I give myself over to the darkness of my thoughts and slip away into that place inside us that only we can ever go.
As I sleep the peace of a 100 nights of dreams, lulled to rest in the sweat of his passion, the touch of his breath on my cheek and the gentleness of his hand in mine, my body and mind begin to heal, letting me know that this is meant to be. The still calm voice inside me speaks no longer of fear and darkness but of light, of joy, of love and of hope and of HlM. There will be tomorrow and yesterday is gone forever.
When I wake he lies there gently sleeping too and I see in truth his peaceful bliss and know so deep inside me that there can be nothing better for me. No matter how we live out tomorrow, I feel and sense that the monsters who live in my dark and my worry, who compete with my feelings and challenge my joy , scurry away to their everlasting hell, defeated by his love and the strength of his passion. They have no place now in my life. I doubt no more and I at last begin to see beyond the dark horizons they so often herald. Filled with a new and eager love, I reach out to enjoy once more this bundle of joy that is lying beside me. Tasting him once more I begin to sense his growing pleasure,. He awakes in every sense from his sleep, opens his deep eyes and smiles. Our eyes meet as I look along his chest to his face bursting with joy and ecstasy. This is HIM within me and as he turns his body to complement mine, our union is once again complete.
After our lovemaking ends, so different and measured than the first , we share a suds filled bath together, the bubbles spill over to the walls and floors of the bathroom as if a tribute to the reality of that which spills out from our hearts and bodies. As he washes my hair, he softly sings lovingly to me. We laugh and touch and smile and hope and watch and taste and see. I wash him too and he cries like the baby he isn't when the soap finds his eye as I shower him clean. All too soon, I sense that time is against us and as he dries my feet , and wraps me close in his towel, he embraces me and I wonder when this will happen for us again.
He helps me to dress and for a brief while there is a necessary silence between us - not the awkward silence of strangers but the comfortable oneness of peace when actions speak louder than words and there is nothing unsaid to be spoken. That special silence that only lovers can share. Suddenly, There is a knock on the door and a voice I don't want to hear reminds us that soon he must leave. Embarrassed for a moment we check that we are tidy and decent once more, fearful that others will guess the intimacy of our sharing. He checks his hair in the mirror and gives me a knowing wink. A quick hug and then I open the door and reluctantly prepare to let HIM go.
Leaving the privacy of our love behind, we return to the world beyond, we Join my family and share a meal together, a symbol of our communion and the sacrifice of his departure. The journey back to the station seems shorter than earlier this morning. Almost paralysed by sadness I watch the familiar streets eat up the miles that return him to our first encounter. That previous journey of fulfilled longing and hope becomes for me now, one of immeasurable sorrow. As if reading my mind he takes my hand gently in his, placing them together unseen on the seat, a symbol of the distance that will shortly both separate and unite us. His gentle care towards me is too much and I struggle to fight back the tears . A squeeze tells me to be brave, all will be well... and all manner of things will be well ... and I am comforted by his touch and the beauty of his gentle smile.
I wish I had his strength, but I resolve to be brave at the moment of his final execution. ln the car my parents too sense the significance of the journey and their dignified silence at my obvious grief only adds to my painful gloom. Just the banal chatter about Bloody road works on the high street invades the heavy stillness that envelops us beneath the tremor of the air conditioning of the car. I so want them to intervene and to make HIM stay. The heavy traffic briefly prolongs the silence of our farewell. Arriving at the station I know his train is imminent and rush with him to see it approach along the line. This is not the time for words but for feelings and I struggle with mine as he wraps his arms around me for that one last embrace . I smell the scent of our bath and experience once again those feelings of love that it so readily given, the joy of that moment comforting the horror of his farewell. He kisses my nose as the guard whistles his immediate departure. I close my eyes and feel him withdraw from my embrace, as he whispers to me , "forever" the message we typed at the end of our chats each day... and I know that the dreadful moment of his leaving has come again. A train door slams close in the distance
I open my eyes and he is gone .
The noise of the engines increases and the train begins its journey away ... taking him from me . I rush along the platform to see him enter the carriage sitting by the window on the first seat he finds. He grins and waves like mad and blows me kisses as the carriage steadily pulls away, leaving me in almost unbearable emptiness. I wave too, blowing him kisses in return until there is nothing left to see, just the red glow of the trains rear light speeding him away. I turn to find my parents just a few feet away, they too sense the enormity of my pain and their understanding and respectful distance does little to soften my despair. Already I ache because he is somewhere else and I wrestle with the strange dilemma of love that is finding HIM and letting him go. Mum reaches towards me and draws me close, but this time I know whatever she does, however she comforts me, she can never make this better. No kisses or sticking plaster can heal the gaping wound of my heart and I sense she knows this too , but also can't let go. For a moment too I feel her pain merge with mine and we understand completely the helplessness of unconditional love. Me for HIM and her for ME.
And yet he is here with me now. The gentleness? of his touch, the smell of his sweat, the taste of his kiss, the scent of his perfume, the language of his love, the sound of his voice, the passion of his giving, the memory of his being. lt is HIM that I see in the giving of a gift, in the beauty of the hillside, in the richness of the sun, in the beauty of a flower, in the mystery of creation. Him that is the magic of a song, the colour of a painting, the talent of a skill, the joy of fulfilled ambition, the sorrow of a sadness. I hear and see Him in everything around me, everything i see and do reminds me somehow of HlM. But why am I so sad ? The reason is all so painfully simple. This is part of growing up and learning the mystery of love, the journey of pain into an unknown destination. lts beginning and end are different with each person we meet, each encounter we risk , each moment we share, each story we tell, each smile that we give, each tenderness we receive, each love that we make . Sometimes we just have to let them go for someone else to know and love as they have briefly blessed us too.
A time for everything .... a season for everyone. A time to seek and a time to lose.
I feel blessed to have chanced upon HIM that Monday evening not so long ago, So lucky To be able experience the chance to love and be loved beyond my imaginations. Lucky too to have a family who can hold me in their care as I get ready to press the button of self destruct that is teenage love and wait for me to let them back in to the closed dungeon that we made in our hearts.
ln my dreams he is the person we search for, in reality it frightens me so. I fear for us both that love and pain will come between us and keep us separated for ever .
But this is my story not his. This is how I feel and think and dream and worry, not HlM.
For now I'm sending HIM this so he can read it too, hoping he understands what I wish to be for HIM and hope what he can be for me. Ready to take the risk... yet frightened that he might not want to share the dream.
A Ping as a message appears on the computer window.
Someone just logged in.
?HEY? the screen says
?HIYA? I type in reply
HIM.