Flip Part 4
"Philip, what am I...what are we going to do?" Margaret Nevins repeated her question as she struggled to get her emotions under control. Her relief at her son's apparent health, despite his badly bruised upper body, warred with the anger she felt building. He'd ruined all of her and Michael's careful surprise. "It hasn't been a year since the last time you got in a fight. Who was it this time? And why?"
"Peter....," Philip quietly responded, "...and Jeff." He pointedly remained silent about the other question, hoping she wouldn't ask.
"Peter and Jeff?" she gave him a confused look. The other two boys she'd only met once and couldn't imagine a reason for the three to have come to this. The two had gone out of their way to see Philip, had missed a dance to get him to go. That they never came back after her son told them not to? "Who started it?"
"I swung first." Philip hung his head, staring away from his mom. He knew from past experience that he couldn't lie to her and get away with it. She'd just find out with a phone call or two. "But they started it!" He instantly regretted that last statement. No matter how he felt about it, she'd never let him justify his actions, and he'd brought the conversation right back to the `why' question.
"How?" she watched her son's flushed features intently. Getting any information out of her son was as easy as pulling hens' teeth, but he was caught this time. "What did they do?"
"They were in my room." Philip felt his anger at the intrusion rise anew. "Pete told everybody about Mike...the picture he saw."
"So?" she looked around the room, then settled back on her agitated son. "OK, maybe Peter shouldn't have come in uninvited, but did that deserve you punching him? He just wanted to be your friend and was probably wondering why you don't have any, when you did in the past." She took a deep breath when he didn't respond. "This is what will happen! No TV at home, no computer, no working on models, and no fire department for two weeks! As for Jeff and Peter...." she finally caught his eyes when he looked up. "I want you to apologize to both of them. Maybe it isn't too late..."
"It's too late!" Philip growled, trying to make her understand. He knew he'd be grounded, but hadn't counted on the `no firefighting' edict. "I don't want them as friends...I don't need friends."
"What about Mike?" she began her next assault on his attitude, remembering their guests; "You said you were always going to be friends!"
"Well, I guess that was a lie too." Philip's voice broke as he looked at the photo on his desk. "We aren't friends any more. We haven't even talked on the phone for over a year!"
"Well, why don't you tell him that yourself?" Margaret pounced. "He and a friend are sitting in the living room! They came for you! Why don't you come out and say 'hi'?"
Philip stared at his mother paralyzed, as he slowly collapsed onto his bed and rolled away from her, curling tightly into a ball. He felt his heart pounding in his chest and suddenly drew in a ragged breath past the hard lump that appeared in his throat. All his idle dreams about how a reunion with his one time best friend would happen came crashing down around him. In his dreams they had embraced each other, oblivious to the world, promising they would do everything and be together like they had as children. Now Mike was here, back in his life, and he was terrified.
Mike knew what they had done as kids and had told everyone he was gay! What if he let slip what they had done? Philip was sure his life would be over, he'd lose everything. His mom, the only person he still knew he loved, would hate him. He so wanted to run away from there as fast as he could, but was rooted to the spot he was in.
"Philip Nevins! Did you hear what I said?" His mom's voice had become commanding, "You need to go see him!"
"No, mom, please?" Philip pulled himself protectively tighter as his narrow world he'd built around himself shrank, leaving him horribly exposed. "I...I...I can't!"
"Why, Philip?" Margaret placed a hand on his shoulder, unsuccessfully trying to turn him over. "Is it because he's gay? Is that why?"
"N...No, that's not it." Philip's voice sounded remote to his own ears as he felt his closed eyes grow steadily wetter at his self-loathing of the coward he would forever see in the mirror. "It's me. I just can't! Just tell him to go."
"It is because I'm gay, isn't it?" Mike stood by the doorway where he'd heard the last exchange. He'd been told to expect a negative reaction when his old friends heard about him, but it still hurt profoundly, coming from Philip.
"No! It's not!" Philip yelled. He rolled to face this new attacker and froze, staring into the tear-stained face of his childhood friend. "No, it's not."
"Then what is it?" Mike slowly crossed the space between them and sat at the foot of the bed. The look on his old friend's face shocked him. He looked like a trapped, scared animal seeking any escape. "I'm sorry we stopped talking. I guess our dialing fingers stopped working at the same time, but I thought we were still friends."
Philip glanced quickly from Mike to his mother. They were waiting for his response, but what could he say to make them go away and not hurt one or the other of them? He let the silence in the room speak for him as he rolled back onto his side. There was nothing he could say.
"OK, Philip." Margaret looked at Mike for a sign, then at her unresponsive son, and came to a decision. "I packed your bag for a trip with Michael and you're going!"
"But I'm grounded..." Philip's confused voice was a welcome relief from his silence to her, "...and I haven't heard from Marty yet."
"You're grounded when and where I tell you." She smiled a little as he visibly attempted to process her strange logic. "Michael is the closest and only friend you've ever had. If you want to screw that up, go right ahead, but you're not going to do it in front of me!" She was relieved to see Mike nod in approval. "I'm tired of your hiding from the world, so you're going! Put a clean shirt on! I don't want to see you for a week!" She quickly put up a hand to forestall his objection. "Marty's dad called to say he's home, that he wasn't charged. I'd have told you sooner but I was concerned you'd be the one in jail, not him. You're too old for these stupid fights to keep happening. Now go and get to know your friend again. Or don't, but the choice will be yours. I'm not going to be the reason."
Mike glanced in the mirror at his morose friend as they turned off of US-77 toward South Padre. Philip hadn't said a word for the last seven hours as they drove to their destination. At least, Steven let Philip's attitude pass. Mike figured Steve was preoccupied, thinking about the week he'd be spending with Jenny in his room. How those two had pulled that off with their parents was beyond him, but he figured they'd be lucky to see the light of day.
"Hey, Steve, remember to get some sun this week...," Mike smiled through his thoughts at his long time friend, "...otherwise your parents will know you never left your bed and wonder why."
"Hey, we're just going out for a `test drive'," Steve winked lewdly at the other two. "Right, Philip?" Steve looked back for a moment, then gave up when the kid in the space behind the seat said nothing. Thank God, Philip would be sharing a room with Mike, not him. He idly wondered how long it would be before Mike beat the shit out of Philip, if for no other reason than to get him to say something! Oh well, it was Mike's problem, not his!
"So Mike...," he redirected his focus, "...who're you planning on hooking up with this week?"
"Well, some of the guys in my support group will be down for the week," Mike began, cautiously looking for any reaction from Philip. "But I won't be `hooking up' with anyone. I just want to have time to forget the rest of the world and have fun this week."
"You are going to be able to stay away from the booze?" Steve recovered the subject they'd been over again and again.
"Yeah! No problem there," Mike patiently answered again. "I like watching others act like drunk fools. I don't have to act that way myself." He panted in an exaggerated manner. "I like to watch! Maybe even you and Jenny!"
"Dream on, pervert!" Steve grinned back. "The only show from me you'll ever get is the team showers!"
"That's OK," Mike shot back, not giving in yet. "I've heard that two of your team members have used the showers at school for more than showering!"
"But not around the rest of us!" Steve came back, but quieter. He'd thought that secret was closely held amongst the small circle of people he was part of. "Whatever Chris and Kelvin may or may not have done is their business. Not ours!"
"So you don't care that the showers have been used for more than that?" Mike couldn't help but push the buttons when his straight friend found himself uncomfortable.
"No, I don't care," Steve retorted to his friend's egging him on. "That may be your fantasy, but Jenny and I prefer a bed."
"That's good!" Mike sighed in mock relief. "Remember, I've seen `it'. If you two tried anything in your small truck, she'd probably be more interested in the stick shift than you!" Mike laughed uncontrollably as he felt Steve's fist slam into his arm. "Hey! No fair! I'm driving!"
Steve turned to Philip, smiling, to ask if he'd take over driving. He left the question unasked as he saw the kid staring out the small window at the darkness of the early morning. Philip was acting like they weren't there, like he was the only living thing left in the world.
Steve sighed and turned back to stare out the windshield as the road passed quickly through the beam of their headlights. He didn't know what Mike had hoped for. Philip was good looking and powerfully built, for a cheerleader; he smiled at that thought, but the kid sure didn't want to be there. He hoped Mike would get him to open up, to find out what was wrong, otherwise his friend was in for a long week.
"Oh shit!" he exclaimed as they pulled up behind a small line of cars on the two lane road that was blocked by a group of emergency vehicles, their lights winking brightly. "Looks like a fuckin' wreck!" He laughed when he saw a slightly built man struggle with some heavy scissors-looking things after stumbling over the orange hoses that led from the tool. "Man, these clowns are gon'a take forever! We're never gon'a get there!"
"These clowns?" Philip felt his face burning; he'd seen the same incident the other was now laughing at. That was too much! "What do you know about those `clowns'? Have you ever crawled into a wrecked car? Been covered in someone else's blood?"
"No, I....," Steve guiltily started, remembering too late that Mike's friend was wearing a fire department T-shirt. Philip's sad eyes had been replaced with pure fiery hatred. Like he'd been personally attacked.
"Well, I have!" Philip struggled to get himself under control as his memories flooded back. Both of the others looked at him without understanding. How could they? "And I'd rather be with one of those `clowns' than with ten of either of you! You aren't worth their shit! Take me to the airport or let me out! I'll find my own way home!"
"Flip!" Mike unconsciously used Philip's nickname as he reacted to the sudden outburst. "Calm down! Steve didn't mean anything! Let it go."
"Yes, he did!" Philip stopped his struggles and slumped back into his seat. They weren't moving to let him out anyway. "Go ahead and laugh, but all you are to me is two victims waiting to happen! Then it'll be up to me or some other clowns to clean up after your worthless lives!"
"If you really feel that way...," Mike watched Philip and Steve intently. The looks they gave each other were murderous. He'd hoped that his friends would like each other, now he just wanted to make sure they wouldn't kill each other, "...then why do you do it?"
Philip breathed out slowly and let it go'. Why did he do it?' He thought as silence filled the truck. He couldn't make the others understand, they weren't part of that world. Would never understand how much he valued being identified as a firefighter, how much fun it was to him. He smirked to himself; try to explain that! Dealing with other people's tragedies could be fun? Why bother trying to explain the unexplainable?
Mike continued to watch in silence as his old friend retreated back into himself. He knew Flip was uncomfortable being there and he would take him to the airport if he still wanted to go after they had a chance to rest at the hotel for a while first. He could only hope that it wouldn't come up again. If he did have to take him to the airport, he was sure that their separation would be final. He sighed deeply. Nothing had turned out the way he'd wanted so far. Maybe the old Philip, the one he'd been in love with, was gone for good. Replaced by a hate- filled loner, sharing what he could do but not himself. Forever walled away from his or anyone's love.
Mike let his heart hang heavily as they pulled out to follow the line of cars around the accident when one lane was opened. He realized then that he still cared deeply for Philip as a friend but wasn't so sure he still loved him any more. Had the new Flip really killed the old Philip? He'd just have to find out, but was afraid he already knew the answer.
Philip sat alone in the dark of the deserted beach, looking at the gathering dawn over the Gulf of Mexico. He let his tears fall untended as his emotions tumbled inside of him. He'd never liked change and, true to form, had screwed everything up so far. Steve was thankfully in his room practicing for his wedding night with Jenny so he didn't have to face him again, and Mike had been about to take a shower when he'd slipped out of the room. He'd been wrong in the truck. Steve's life was valuable; he had found someone to love and love him back. It was his own that was worthless. He had no one and it was his own fault. He could tell from Mike's body language that they were over as friends. Mike acted like he was afraid of him now, of what he'd become.
Philip quietly took his shirt off and examined the symbol on the front pocket. He'd certainly screwed up his chances of staying in the fire department. His fight with Jeff and Pete was sure to get back to his captain and that would be that!
"Hey, Philip?" Mike whispered as he approached his old friend. "What are you thinking about? Are you OK?"
"Nothing." Philip quickly wiped his eyes, hoping he wasn't noticed. "I'm OK. I'm sorry about Steve."
"Steve's OK with it." Mike settled himself down into the sand. "He doesn't hold grudges. Hell, when he and Jenny finally surface for air, he probably won't even remember that anything ever happened." He smiled to hopefully disarm his friend's defenses. "What else you thinking about?"
"Nothing." Philip drew his knees up to his chest reflexively.
"Bullshit!" Mike stared back. OK, he'd just try to batter him down then. "You don't think I've been there? I avoided my problems by getting drunk all the time. Guess what? They were still there when I wasn't." He caught Philip's red eyes and held his attention. "I don't know what your problem is but it's going to kill you if you're not careful! What happened? You weren't like this before."
"Nothing happened!" Philip stood quickly and glanced around the deserted beach. `I'm going back to the room."
"I'm coming with you!" Mike yelled as he caught up to his friend. "You left your key in the room!" Mike quietly thanked God that he'd left the key in the room himself. He couldn't let go of his friend now. He had to find out what was wrong before Philip asked to leave again. He didn't have any more excuses not to take him.
"OK, do you want to tell me what is going on now or do you want to take a shower first?" Mike closed the door behind them, never taking his eyes off of Philip.
"I said it's nothing!" Philip threw his shirt into a corner of the room and caught himself when the force of his throw caused him to lose his balance. "Why don't you just leave me alone! I can't talk about it!"
"That's bullshit too!" Mike pushed back cautiously. Philip was a year and a half younger but more powerfully built than his own skinny frame. "Look, it's only us here. No one else has to know. So what happened to turn you into a first class jerk?"
"What happened?" Philip fought back the urge to strike out. Why was Mike verbally pushing him? Nobody cared what happened to him anyway. "Who cares?"
"I do!" Mike shot back, then turned away to sit on his bed. "Or I did. Now I don't know." His shoulders slumped in defeat as he wiped the streaks on his cheeks. "I'll take you to the airport. You'll never have to see me again."
"I moved away from the only friend I ever had," Philip whispered, his anguished voice barely audible in the quiet room. "The only person, other than my mom, I ever loved. Then when I heard about all his new friends, I stopped calling." He slowly collapsed into a corner of the room. "Are...Are you happy now?"
"Did you say you loved me?" Mike quickly moved to Philip's side and threw his arm around him. "I guess nobody else knows about this, do they?"
"No." Philip buried his head in his arms. "They can't ever know. I would lose everything. Just like I've lost you."
"Ssh, Philip." Mike stroked his friend's bare back, feeling the muscles shaking under his fingers. "You haven't lost me. I'm still your friend."
"B...but you don't love me, do you?" Philip pulled away from Mike's embrace. "Did you ever?"
"Yes, I loved you." Mike hurt inside as he wiped the tears from his friend's face. "Now I don't know. You're so different, I need to get to know you all over again." He took a long shuddering breath. "And we still live so far away from each other. This isn't some story where we can just drop everything and live happily ever after. I stopped calling you because I thought you'd found new friends as well. But we do have this week if you want to stay. I'd like you to."
"Hey, Flip! Get up and come down to the pool." Mike looked at his friend where he'd fallen asleep in his clothes after the high emotions died away. "It's time to take the bull by the horns and stop hiding! Com'on!"
"No," Philip mumbled sleepily. "I'm not ready. Besides I don't swim and don't have anything to wear."
"OK." Mike looked at his friend in frustration as he turned to leave. It was like Philip was retreating from the opening he'd made that morning. "But don't think you're going to spend the whole week in here. You have to eat some time!" He smiled wistfully. "I do have other friends here this week. They can be your friends too if you'll rein in that hair trigger of yours and not take everything personally."
Mike quickly scanned the pool for Steve and Jenny and smiled to himself to note they still weren't there. Maybe Steve hadn't been joking about them not seeing the light of day.
"Mike! Over here!" a familiar voice from his support group called out across the pool.
"Hey, Nick!" Mike called back as he moved to the others and sat down. "Trent, John," he nodded at the other two.
"So, where is this old friend you've been talking about?" Nick looked back at the room door as if expecting it to open.
"He didn't want to come down yet," Mike said nonchalantly. "We got in early this morning. He was still asleep."
Philip jerked the drape back across the window and spun back to his suitcase. He knew he shouldn't have said anything that night but it had just popped out on its own and he couldn't take it back now. Mike had promised he wouldn't say anything but now he was down at the pool with those other guys, talking and laughing. He didn't know what about until one of the others had pointed up to the room he was in! This wasn't working! He didn't belong here! But where could he go?
He looked back at the phone, thinking of his mother who'd betrayed him when she said she wouldn't pick him up if he flew back early and would make sure he quit the department unless he stayed and Mike brought him home. She'd even ended the short conversation with a curt have fun.' Yeah, right!' he thought, `like a trapped animal gnawing its foot off to get free!'
He pulled out some clean clothes and slipped into them, throwing the cut-off jeans he'd found into the waste basket. He wouldn't need those, he thought disgustedly, what a waste of one of his jeans. At least she hadn't packed his ratty old workout clothes.
Grabbing the room key, he glanced out to make sure he wasn't being watched and slipped down the stairs to find a fast food joint close by. It would make it easier to avoid any group meals later. Besides, he had to admit he was hungry now.
"Philip?" Mike came padding his way, leaving a wet trail of footprints behind him. "Where you going?"
"I didn't feel like being around the pool. I was going to walk to the Mickey-D's I saw just down the road," Philip responded warily. "I'm hungry."
"Mickey-D's? Hell, you're dressed more for church than a trip for a burger." Mike shook his head in amazement. It was a good thing his mom hadn't packed a tie or he'd be wearing that too. "Why don't you come meet the guys and we'll go with you. We can have some fun."
"No, I don't think so." Philip saw the scowl quickly develop on Michael's face. "Maybe later, but not right now."
"Philip, don't lie to me." Mike slowly let his hostility fade. "Do you even know how to have fun any more like you used to?"
"I have fun," Philip replied defensively. "It's just not like it used to be."
"Yeah, you used to have fun with other people around," Mike jumped back at him. "So, if someone were to, say, jump on you soaking wet, would you laugh at the joke or kick the shit out'a them?"
"I'd kick the shit out of them!" Philip turned away, unsmiling, hoping that would end it once and for all.
"Liar!" Mike yelled as he jumped on Philip's back, rubbing his suit against his old friend's now soaked slacks. Holding on with one hand around Philip's neck, he jabbed his free hand into Philip's ribs and wiggled them back and forth.
Philip staggered under Mike's added weight and began to swing him around and off his back. The bastard was going to pay for attacking him. Suddenly his legs gave way as a fit of laughter burst from under the tickling fingers.
"No, stop! Please!" Philip yelled, as Mike started using both his hands when he tried to squirm away. "I'm gon'a..." he was cut off by another fit of involuntary laughter.
"You were gon'a beat the shit out of me anyway!" Mike smiled evilly as he continued. "I like it better this way! At least you're smiling now! I just wanted to see if you still could!"
"Stop! OK, you've made your point!" Philip gasped between giggles. "I won't kick your ass! Just don't expect any more!"
"Sorry! That's not good enough!" Mike continued. "You're gon'a have fun with the rest of us if it kills you!"
"OK! Anything, just stop!" Philip lay there gasping, as Mike finally stopped and stood over him.
"Go change!" Mike smiled down at him and breathed out in relief, glad that Philip was still ticklish. If he hadn't been, the fight would have been over quickly and Mike was sure he'd have lost. "You're all wet! Ditch the geek clothes. Didn't your mom pack anything for the beach?"
"No," Philip lied. "Just jeans and these."
"Whatever!" Mike slumped back, not giving up yet. "Let's go change and get something to eat. I'll be up in a minute."
Mike watched Philip trudge back to their room as he went back to his other friends. He was amazed he still had a jaw to speak with!
"So, is your friend going to join us now?" Nick winked at him. They'd seen the whole incident.
"No," Mike replied wistfully. "I don't know if he ever will."
"Is it because we're gay?" John spoke up, asking the question they'd all been skirting around.
"No!" Mike said with some heat, then softened his tone. "If you thought I had walls built up when you met me, you should see his. I thought we were going to have fun this week, just two old friends out on the town. Now I don't know if he can have fun any more."
"Well, you know where we are if you need us." Nick looked closely at the others as Mike left for his room.
"Philip?" Mike whispered as he entered the dark room and crossed over to his friend lying on the bed. "I'm sorry about downstairs, but I just wanted to see you laugh like you used to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want."
"I don't know what I want any more," Philip's voice cracked in the still air. "I want to be who I am, but can't. Everybody will hate me for it...and even if I do...who will love me? Not even you love me any more! I...I..." His voice trailed off as he stifled the sob that threatened to break through.
"Hey, it's OK," Mike whispered. "Let it go. You can't keep holding it all inside like this. I do love you, but like we talked about earlier, I can't be there all the time. Who knows what will happen after this week, but I will always be your friend. I wasn't lying when I said `friends forever'."
Mike remained silent and embraced his friend around his chest, feeling his body wracked with sobs, as he pounded the pillow into submission. He smiled as Philip let go. The pillow would have a charge against Philip for excessive force, as his state trooper dad would put it. But at least he was pounding it and not him!
Philip rolled over and blearily stared at the phone ringing incessantly by his ear. This was day four, of nine, of his mother-imposed exile. Mike had left him at peace in the room, had even brought food back so they could eat together sometimes. The rest of the time Mike was gone, out doing whatever he wanted to do. He'd been good to his word and no longer pressed Philip into doing anything he didn't want to. Well, except for fishing out his cut-offs for him. Philip had tried to tell him he wouldn't need those, but was glad in the end that he'd have something a little more comfortable to sleep in. He slept in the nude at home, but this wasn't home, so he kept himself covered as much as he could.
"Hello?" He fumbled with the receiver.
"Hey, it's Mike," the familiar voice came through. "I know I promised to leave you in there, but I thought we could go running or something this morning. You have to get out of there before you get fat. I don't know how you can stand it!"
"Look, I'm OK in here." Philip held the receiver like a snake. "I'm fine. I...."
"Oh, com'on," Mike came back, cutting off the rest of his statement. "Just do it for me. I haven't asked you for anything else this week. Just come out and be part of the human race for a while. It won't kill you! Please?"
"I don't know," Philip quickly began to run through his excuses. "I don't have anything to run in."
"Your sneakers and cut-offs are fine. Com'on, I'm tired of you being alone." Mike pleaded. "I told your mom you'd come home tanned, fit, and rested. The rested part you've done pretty well. Let's take care of the other parts now! Please?"
"You're not going to leave me alone until I do, are you?" Philip pushed himself deeper into the pillows and squinted at the light filtering though the closed drape. "OK, I'll come out in a few minutes. Just us, right?"
"Sure!" Mike glanced at his other friends and gave them a wink. "Just us!" He quickly hung up the phone and turned to the others. "OK, y'all scatter and join us along the way, but don't push it!" He watched as the others quickly disappeared around him. This had to work! Flip had to know he wasn't alone out there, no matter what else he thought.
Philip quietly slowed his pace as they approached the hotel. Somehow he and Mike had gathered other runners out for their morning jogs as well. A few he thought he recognized, but the others were from elsewhere. He uncomfortably shied away as another of the girls they'd picked up along the way tried to get his attention again. When they met Steve and Jenny on their own run on the beach, he'd almost turned around immediately but they had just smiled at him and continued on their way.
Thank God, no one had asked him anything! He was more afraid of himself, of his reactions, than of anybody else now, and he didn't want to ruin the day for Mike. He allowed himself a slight smile as most of the others waved their goodbyes. That wasn't too hard to do.
What was hard was fighting back his automatic defensive posture when some of the group, male and female, handed him papers with phone numbers and promises to see him later. He'd shyly accepted them, but felt dishonest about it. He knew he'd never follow up on any of them! They might think he was cute, but he knew the real Philip Nevins inside. They would never accept the real him, love who he was. He was still better off alone, regardless of what Mike said.
"Glad to finally meet you." Philip looked at the hand extended by the tall dark-haired boy who he recognized as one of Mike's friends. "My name's Nicholas but everybody calls me Nick."
"Philip." He smiled back in the relaxed atmosphere and shook Nick's hand. "Mike and some of the others at school call me Flip for shor...." He stopped then. Why did he say that? That he didn't try to distance himself automatically confused him.
"Hey! I'm ready for a swim!" somebody yelled, bringing Philip out of his thoughts. "Last one in...." The rest was lost on him as he was pushed along with the rest of the crowd he'd been in front of.
"Wait!" Philip yelled as he lost his footing at the edge of the pool. "I can't swi...."
The cold water hit him suddenly and he inhaled involuntarily as he was pushed under by the others piling into the water around him. Strangely, his sight began to dim as he struggled for the air he couldn't reach. He closed his eyes as the dim sounds of laughter from above echoed through his mind until they faded away.
Mike was in a panic, running to the side of the pool. He couldn't see Flip anywhere!
The End of Part 4
My thanks to ED for his assistance with the story. As usual, Let me know what you think so far.
Thanks. Willy B. (haztech@msn.com)