Sorry for this part's delay. I have no excuse. Hope you all forgive me.
Disclaimer: This story is a product of my imagination. I am not implying that Nick Carter is gay.
Lars and the rest of the characters in this story is truely a product of my imagination. All resemblance to any real life persons is purely a coincidence.
This story contains/or will some day contain sexual relations by adult males. If you are not into that or it is illegal in your state/country, please leave now. Or else, sit back and enjoy.
I am not a native English speaker. Thus there might be some spelling and grammar mistakes. I hereby apologise for those. Also I am not into much American slang, so the language might seem a bit formal. Sorry for that. This is also my first attempt to write such a story.
Thanks to all you who have sent e-mail with feedback to me. You know who you are (Scott, Matt, Michael, Josh etc.). I really appreciate it! It is nice to know that someone out there actually is reading your story.
I want to give a special thank you to Scott for his encouraging words. He has been a great friend to me throughout the whole process of this part. Thank you very much Scott. I will always be grateful for your help, suggestions and comments.
Now on with the story...
"Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall" by Chris Hanson
Part 4
Lars ran towards his aunt, who was awaiting his arrival at Orlando Airport.
"Take me to him, please take me to him," Lars cried. Tears were pouring down his cheeks. "I love him, take me to him, please aunt Martha."
"Calm down, Lars!" she said soothingly. "I'll take you over to the hospital right now."
'I surely hope that Jane and Robert are not there,' Martha thought to herself as she opened the door to her car. The drive to Orlando Hospital took hours, it seemed. When the BMW pulled up in front of the hospital entrance, Lars almost threw himself out of the car and ran inside.
"Which room is Nicholas Carter in?" he asked the nurse in the reception.
"I am sorry sir, but I cannot tell you that unless you're related to him," the nurse answered calmly.
"Please, tell me," Lars begged. "I'm his best friend."
"It's okay," a voice said behind him.
He turned around and saw Brian standing in front of him.
"It's okay. He can see Nick," he explained to the nurse.
"Thank you, Brian. I really appreciate this." Lars hugged him.
Lars slowly opened the door to room 113. He stepped inside and saw that no one was there but Nick. He moved towards the bed in which Nick lay. He gently touched Nick's cheek with his fingers. Tears were streaming from his now swelling and puffy eyes. He would have switched places with Nick instantly if it was possible. Lars started to sob uncontrollably. He had to sit down on the chair beside Nick's bed as his thoughts went back to his own suicide attempt. The shame and the humiliation which he had felt then came floating back to him. He felt even more sorry for Nick, because he knew that he, if he would survive, would go through the same thoughts, feelings and problems which he indeed had felt upon him. The shame and humiliation that he felt after he had tried to kill himself were not something he wanted Nick to go through. However, deep down he knew he had to.
"Oh God, Nick please live," Lars whispered barely audible.
As he watched the blond singer lying in the bed in front of him he knew. He knew that Nick was the one he loved. Nick was the only person Lars could see himself grow old with. But he also knew that it wasn't possible. Nick wasn't gay. Nick would never feel the way Lars felt about him. 'Oh Nick, why did you do it?' he thought to himself.
"He's cute isn't he?" Brian whispered as he sat down beside Lars. Lars could see that Brian too, had been crying.
Lars didn't answer. He just took Nick's hand and squeezed it gently.
"He asked me to give you this," Brian said as he handed an envelope to Lars. "He didn't say what it was about and I didn't know why. You were the only one he left a note to," Brian said with a hint of bitterness in his voice.
Lars looked at the envelope in his hand. On it 'LARS' was printed in blue capital letters. He couldn't explain why, but he knew he had to be alone when he opened it, so he put it in the inner pocket of his jacket.
Brian and Lars sat beside Nick's bed for nearly two hours. None of them spoke, they both sat there looking at Nick's pale face.
"You hungry?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, I guess I am," Lars answered.
They decided to leave the hospital and get something to eat. Brian also wanted Lars out of the hospital before Robert and Jane stopped by. They decided on Mexican food since it was a Mexican restaurant just outside the hospital.
Lars heard the doorbell ring and went to answer the door. He opened it and outside stood Brian. He looked like a ghost. His skin was pale, but his eyes were red and puffy, apparently from crying.
"What's wrong, Brian?" Lars asked nervously.
"It's... it's Nick... He's..." Brian stammered.
"He's what?" Lars said worriedly.
"He's dead!" Brian broke down. Lars felt numb. Then everything went black.
The sheets were soaked in sweat and Lars was panting heavily. The bedroom was still dark, the sun had not yet risen. He could see the light from the hallway press through the cracks around the door. He felt himself ease down a bit, but knew he could not go back to sleep. Then he remembered the letter. He had forgotten all about it. After dinner with Brian Lars had went straight back home and had almost instantly fallen asleep. He reached for his jacket in the closet, went through the pockets until he found what he was seeking. He went back to bed and turned on the light on the bedside table. He slowly tore the envelope open. He took out the letter and started to read.
Dear Lars, When you read this I am no longer with you. You are the only one I have left a note. I felt that there was something I needed to do. There is something I need to explain.
At some point in one's life, there comes a time when one have to meet oneself in the door and come to terms with who one are. When you find yourself and eventually manage to come to terms with who you are and what you are, you should feel relieved. At some stage in my life I found myself, and I indeed managed to come to terms with who I was. And I felt proud. I really did. I felt proud of who I was and what I was.
Unfortunately someone did not. When you come to a stage when your family deny a big part of who you are and try to interfere and tell you that you are disgusting, you feel confused. You start to question everything that you once held as true. You feel like you stand alone without beliefs. I didn't want to live an illusion. I know that if I had chosen to do so, my life would never be worth living. I chose to do something less painful. I am sorry, I truly am. I will forever miss you. Tell Brian I am sorry.
Someone once told me that the flowers never bend with the rainfall. I did not understand then, I do now.
Love, Nick
Lars could barely believe what he was reading. Nick was gay. That was the reason why he had tried to kill himself. 'Oh God. All those times when I thought he was checking me out, he really was,' Lars thought to himself. Lars felt warm inside, but then his thought shifted back to Nick lying in coma at the hospital. 'Oh please, God, let him live through this.'
Lars tried to get back to sleep, but he couldn't. After he had spent an hour or so in bed turning back and forth, he decided it was no use. He looked around the room. It was pitch dark, the sun would not rise for another hour, and he could only see contours of the furnish which occupated some of the room. Lars went over to the desk and turned on the light. He picked up his cell phone and dialled a number. It rang two times before he could hear Brian's voice on the other end.
"Hi Brian, it's Lars. I hope I didn't wake you," Lars said worried that he had awaken Brian from his beauty sleep.
"No, I couldn't sleep. I've been tossing back and forth in bed for hours," Brian explained.
"Do you want to grab some coffee or something?" Lars asked. "I need to talk to you about something."
"Sure. I pick you up at your house in, well, let's say 20 minutes," Brian answered.
"Superb!"
Lars put the cell phone down and walked over to the closet and lay out some clothes which he wanted to wear. Then he went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He emerged from the shower 10 minutes later. He felt refreshed. He got dressed and went outside. He sat down in the rocking chair waiting for Brian to pick him up. 10 minutes later Brian's BMW pulled into the driveway. Lars went to the passenger side and climbed in. They did not say much on the drive over to the café. When they got inside the café and sat down in a secluded booth, they ordered coffee and something to eat. The sun had already thrown its first rays of light onto the grass outside the café.
"So, what did you wanna talk to me about?" Brian broke the silence.
Lars swallowed a couple of times.
"Well, I don't know if you would hate me after I tell you this, but I think I should. You see...I'm...I'm gay," Lars blurted out.
Brian did not say anything. He just stared at Lars. After a couple of minutes, in which Lars had started to feel a bit uneasy, Brian smiled.
"I think I figured that much out," he said. "The way you looked at Lars all the time, and when you held his hand and stared at him at the hospital, I pretty much figured out you were gay."
"You don't mind?" Lars asked.
"Of course not," Brian smiled.
"Well - actually...there is something else I have to tell you as well," Lars continued.
"Shoot," Brian said.
"You remember the letter which you gave me, the letter from Nick."
"Yeah, I remember," Brian stated.
"Well, I had pretty much forgotten it until a couple of hours ago. I read it."
"So, what did it say?" Brian asked curiously.
"Nick is gay!" Lars blurted out.
Lars waited for Brian's reaction. I didn't come.
"I know," he said. "I have known for quite some time now."
"You have!" Lars exclaimed.
"Yeah. Something happened with Nick that made him have to tell me. I'm the only one of the guys who knows," Brian explained.
"And his parents?" Lars asked.
"Oh yeah, they know," Brian said bitterly. "They are the reason why he did this."
Suddenly Lars understood. That's why Nick's mother was so rejecting towards him on the phone, and that's why Nick couldn't be friend's with him anymore, his parents refused Nick to spend time with Lars.
"There is also something else I haven't told you Brian," Lars said.
Brian just nodded to him, signalling him to continue.
"Since the first time I met Nick, I have felt...I've felt so at ease when we were together. And when we were apart, after he had rejected me and I was home in Norway, I realised something. I realised that I love him Brian. I have from the moment I met him, and I always will."
Lars had tears in his eyes. Brian too.
"I don't think I can handle it if he dies Brian. I love him too much," Lars sobbed.
"He loves you too, you know," Brian said as he wiped the tears from Lars' cheeks.
Lars felt warm inside.
"He told me the night before the suicide attempt that he loved you. And he was terrified that he had hurt you so much that you never would forgive him," Brian said. "But I don't think, if he lives, that you could be together."
"But-" Lars started.
Brian lifted his arm indicating that he wanted to finish before he was interrupted.
"You see, Nick is very emotionally attached to his family, especially his mother. When he figured out that he was gay, he felt proud about it. He felt releaved that he at last had found himself. And naturally he told his family. The Carter's has always been very open to each other, so it was naturally for Nick to tell his parents that he was gay."
"I take it the Carters didn't take it very well then," Lars interrupted.
"They totally freaked out. They started shouting and yelling at him," Brian was on the verge of crying. Lars took his hand and squeezed it gently.
"Nick was devasteded by their reaction," Brian continued. "He couldn't believe that his own parents would deny him the way they did."
"I know the feeling," Lars responded.
"That night it happened," Brian shivered. "Nick had called me an hour or so after the incident with his parents. I, of course, didn't know what had happened. I didn't know that Nick was gay then." Brian had tears streaming from his eyes. Lars could see how close the two singers were.
"He was crying heavily, I asked him what was wrong but he didn't manage to say anything. Then he hung up." Brian was crying now. Lars was about to say something, but Brian held up his hand and indicated that he just needed at minute to pull himself together. Lars could see that something had happened to Nick after he had hung up because of the way Brian was shaking and crying. Lars quickly looked around the café, but it was empty. After a couple of minutes Brian continued.
"So I rushed over to Nick's house. Jane told me he was in his room, ironically she behaved as though nothing had happened. I ran upstairs to Nick's room, and there he was..."
Brian was trembling. He couldn't go on. Lars took Brian by his hand and helped him outside to the car. He helped Brian get in the passenger seat, then Lars went to the other side and drove off. He took them to a place by the sea, which his aunt had showed him. There was no one there at this hour in the morning. Brian had calmed down a bit, and they sat on the beach and looked at the ocean and they could hear the roar. It was such a beautiful morning.
"You don't have to continue if you do not want to," Lars said gently to Brian.
"I have to. Nick would have wanted me to explain," Brian sobbed. "When I got in to Nick's room he was hanging from the roof, a rope around his neck. Fortunately he had just done it so I was able to save him."
Brian sobbed. Tears were streaming down both their cheeks. They just sat there and watched the ocean. No one said a word. They were thinking of Nick and how they both loved him so much.
Who will love a little Sparrow? Who's traveled far and cries for rest? "Not I," said the Oak Tree, "I won't share my branches with no sparrow's nest, And my blanket of leaves won't warm her cold breast."
Who will love a little Sparrow And who will speak a kindly word? "Not I," said the Swan, "The entire idea is utterly absurd, I'd be laughed at and scorned if the other Swans heard."
Who will take pity in his heart, And who will feed a starving sparrow? "Not I," said the Golden Wheat, "I would if I could but I cannot I know, I need all my grain to prosper and grow."
Who will love a little Sparrow? Will no one write her eulogy? "I will," said the Earth, "For all I've created returns unto me, >From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be."
As Lars finished singing to Nick he heard a noice by the door. He looked up. By the door he could see the Backstreet Boys. They all had tears in their eyes. Lars felt uneasy. 'What if Nick doesn't want them to know he's gay,' Lars thought. Kevin walked towards the bed. When he was only a few centimetres away from Lars he grabbed him in a hug. When the parted Lars looked into Kevin's eyes. They sparkled with 'I understand. I really understand'. They all did. There were no need for words. In that hospital room that night, there were no superstars, no singers, no composers. There were only six friends worried about someone they loved more than anything...
TO BE CONTINUED
So that was part 4 of my story. I hope you all liked it. Feedback is WANTED and you can e-mail your comments, suggestions and questions to chris_h81no@hotmail.com. I always reply to those who e-mail me.
"Sparrow" is from the Simon and Garfunkel album, "Wednesday Morning 3 a.m.", and is (c)Paul Simon 1964.