Hey everybody!
My last installment was on June 14, 2000. It's been a good 9 months since then. I have been out of the country for most of that time and have had little time to write. I have, however, been writing little by little and this is what it has come out to be.
I did a big chunk of it in a course of two hours with continuous writing. I sometimes write to sort out thoughts I have. Some of those thoughts are interwoven into this part.
Hope you like it. Enjoy your reading.
Chris
Disclaimer: This story is a product of my imagination. I am in no way implying that Nick Carter is gay.
Lars and the rest of the characters in this story is truely a product of my imagination. All resemblance to any real life persons is purely a coincidence.
This story deals with homosexuality. If such material offends you, or it is illegal in your state/country, please leave now.
I am not a native English speaker. Thus there might be some spelling and grammar mistakes. I hereby apologise for those. Also I am not into much American slang, so the language might seem a bit formal. Sorry for that. This is also my first attempt to write such a story.
Thanks to Adam and Tom, two of my very best friends, for always being there for me. This is for them :)
Now on with the story...
"Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall" by Chris
"Hey, I know why I find you so familiar now," he said eagerly. "I found you crying in a park, remember?"
Lars thought back to the time he was in Orlando. He remembered the incident in the park quite clearly.
"It was you!" he shouted out.
"Yeah, I remember the whole incident now, then," Justin said as he sat down beside Lars. "You didn't look very well, back there."
"I had some personal problems that I had difficulties to cope with," Lars said, not wanting to reveal why he had been so out of it.
"But, you're doing okay now then," Justin asked.
"Yeah, I am fine now," Lars replied smiling.
Somehow Justin wasn't reassured by Lars' reply, but decided not to go any further on the issue for the time being.
Part 8
"Lars! Lars!!!?? Hello...Lars!!!" Justin was shaking him now.
"Uhhuh...sorry," Lars answered.
"What was that all about?" Justin sounded worried.
"Nah, nothing really. I was just thinking."
He had been thinking of Nick again, and how much he missed him. But he knew he had to let go and forget. Besides, he was now about to do something he had dreamed of since he was a little child - be a part of a band. And not just any band. He was the lead keyboard and piano player in one of the hottest boy bands at the moment.
"So what are the plans for the evening, guys?" Lars enquired shyly.
"Me, Lance, Chris and JC are going clubbing," Joey responded. "You are welcome to join us if you want to."
"Nah, I don't feel like it tonight, Chris. Thanks for the offer anyway," Lars answered.
"You can join me for dinner and movie in my room if you want to," Justin offered.
"Thanks Justin, but I kind of want to be alone for a while," Lars said as he walked out of the room and headed towards his own.
"What was that all about?" JC asked as the door went shut.
"I have no idea," Justin said. "But something is clearly bothering him. I'll try to talk to him tonight if he'll let me."
"Yeah. Do that. And tell him we are there for him as well if he needs us," Lance shot in.
Once inside his room, Lars threw himself onto the bed - and for no reason, he started to cry.
He must have fallen asleep, cause he woke up to someone hammering on the door.
"Lars! Are you okay???" Justin shouted from outside the door.
"Yeah, I am okay," Lars answered as he opened the door.
"I have been knocking on your door for nearly 10 minutes. I was really worried about you." Justin had tears in his eyes.
"Awww, come on Justin. I am alright. It was just some problems I was dealing with. Nothing I can't handle," Lars said as he wiped the tears away from Justin's eyes.
"You sure? Cause you know I'll be here for you if you need to talk or for whatever reason - I'll be here, Lars," Justin said as he grabbed Lars into a hug. After a while they parted.
"Let's get something to eat - I am starved," Justin stated.
"THAT, I can agree with," Lars smiled. "I am really not in the mood to go out though. Would it be okay if we just ordered something up to my room?"
"That was what I had in mind too. I am not really into going out to meet girls. All they ever want from me, is my body."
That comment earned Justin a pillow in the head.
"My oh my, aren't we getting cocky," Lars laughed as the pillow hit Justin in the middle of his face. It felt good to laugh again.
"Okay, you asked for it," Justin exclaimed as he sent the pillow through the room in the direction Lars was in. He missed. Instead Lars jumped Justin. They wrestled for a few minutes until Justin's stomach decided to make its presence known.
"I guess we should order something to eat," Lars said as they both laughed.
Lars and Justin had a great time that evening. Lars couldn't believe how quickly he became friends with Justin - who once was the object of his fantasies. He still found Justin attractive, but his hearth belonged to someone else. And he hadn't been able to forget that.
"Lars! Breakkie in Lance's room in 5 mins," JC shouted from the other side of the door.
Lars removed his hand from Justin's chest.
"JUSTIN???!!!" Lars shouted and quickly jumped off from bed.
"Uhhuh...what is it?" Justin answered sleepily.
"Eh...it is breakfast in Lance's room in 5," Lars said confused. "And by the way, what are you doing here?"
"You fell asleep watching the movie last night, I guess I must have followed shortly after. I woke up tonight and removed my clothes, but didn't bother to walk back to my room," Justin explained. "I don't see the problem though." Justin sounded irritated.
"Nah, it's not a problem. I just thought..." Lars stopped.
"Thought what?" Justin asked curiously.
"Never mind," Lars said - releaved that he hadn't finished off the sentence.
As nice and open-minded Justin seemed, Lars couldn't know for sure how he would react to him being gay. Not to think of the other guys. He decided there and then that he would hide his sexual preference.
"Hey guys!" JC smiled when Lars and Justin entered the room. "I knocked on your door forever, Justin, but you didn't answer."
"Uh, I must have been in the shower or something," Justin lied.
'Why didn't he tell JC the truth,' Lars wondered, but shrugged it off.
"So, what's for breakkie?" Chris asked as he came running into the room, wearing only a bathrobe. His hair was all messed up, and it was quite apparant that he had just gotten out of bed. This earned some teasing from the rest of the guys.
"So, what's up for today?" Justin inquired.
"We need to work some on the new album, now that we have gotten our piano player," Lance answered while looking at Lars.
This earned a few sighs from the guys, but Lars was really anxious to get to work. He couldn't believe that he was about to play on the new album from 'NSync.
"That was awesome, Lars," Lance said as they got out of the studio. "You're really talented."
Lars turned bright red and stumbled out a 'Thank you'. He never could get used to being complimented.
They went back to the hotel, and Lars excused himself. He was drained and wanted to have some alone time. The depressions were getting harder and he sometimes felt he could't keep them under control anymore. This day was one of those. When he was in the studio playing was the only time he could put those thoughts away.
He lay down on bed and closed his eyes. The thoughts were wandering. Mostly in the direction of Nick. He missed him. He longed for him. But it could never happen, he knew that. He knew Nick could never be a part of his life. He knew he and Nick could never share their lives, even though Lars loved him more than he thought it was possible to love someone.
He thought back to when he met Nick. It was a time of turmoil in his life, but yet it was good times. It was a time when he thought that it actually could happen. A time of innocence, a time of confidences.
Lars is walking to school. It is raining, and all the people in the streets are wearing raincoats and those big plastic boots. He recalls seeing this guy sitting in the corner of a bus shed - he is a rather shabby looking man, but there is something about him that fascinates him. He is thinking that he must be cold. As he walks past him, the oddest thing happens, he smiles at him. With his yellow tobacco stained teeth he smiles at him. As Lars was laying on the bed all this thoughts came back to him. Why did he remember this guy. He shouldn't have remembered him. But yet he did.
Lars didn't really see it back then what fascinated him so much about him. Maybe it was his hell-like life, maybe it was his lack of self-respect or self-confidence. But as his thoughts went back to that rainy day it slowly occured to him. It took him a while to see that it was neither of those. The man wasn't ashamed of the life he lived. He didn't feel embarrassed about how or who he was - he did have self-respect and confidence, and he didn't have the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was the one who felt free.
Somewhere along the way to adulthood Lars lost his faith. He never saw it again. He remembers standing outside church, thinking, alone, without beliefs. It was when it started. It was when the darkness came into his life. It was when he stopped living.
Lars was thinking about the days leading up to it. So many questions, so few answers. Questions that might forever remain unanswered. His mind drifted back to that night at the hospital. He's lying in bed watching the white-coated people walk by - some of them will occasionally take a glance at him. His head is spinning. Thousand questions, no answers. The shame. Humiliation. The looks of pity. Take them away. 'I am not here. Make me disappear. I am nobody,' he thinks.
'I am different. I am not like everyone else. I have to hide behind the shield of my illusion. I am nobody. I stand alone without beliefs.' Lars' mind is drifting away.'The sun is almost gone now. I am sitting in the moist sand. The dog is resting beside me, watching, observing every move I make.'
'The wind is gently blowing through our hair. The sun is casting its last rays of light upon the lovers sitting in the moist sand. It is a cool summer evening; the gulls are flying high above. We tighten our embrace. None of us say a word. There is no need for it. We are so much in love.' His thoughts goes back to Chris. It seems like forever since they were together.
'My mom is sitting on the bed, her eyes are red, obviously from crying. It is written all over her face. I can't answer. I want to disappear. I look at the cracks in the ceiling. One of them is shaped like a bent arrow. The worn-down walls are brown, with the paint starting to floss off.' Lars had tears streaming down his cheeks now.
'I am not me. Me is not he. I am watching someone else swallow them - one by one. I am watching someone destroying me. It all happens in a thick layer of fog. I can't see clearly. I can't think clearly.' His thoughts went back to the day when it happened.
'I am different.'
'I cover my eyes in shame. Their looks say more than thousand words. I have no answers. Gathered around me, are my family. Family. The three people that mean more to me than life itself. I have hurt them. I have made them cry. What kind of monster am I?'
'The blue lights shine up the clear and crisp January afternoon. I can hear the siren in the background. I am saved, aren't I? I look at myself in the mirror. What I see scares me. The guise of a human being that the mirror reflects looks so much older than 18.'
'When I wander through the city these days, observing the different people walking about in the streets, couples holding hands, I often stop and think about something my late great grandmother told me years ago. "Always stand up for yourself. Never give in to pressure from the outside. Behold your beliefs. Make your own choices, that's what integrity is all about."'
He thought about what his grandmother said. 'I wish I could, grandma, I really wish I could,' he thought to himself as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
The sun woke him up. He tried to get himself out off bed, but he just felt "dead". He grabbed the remote from the night stand and flipped on the TV. He zapped through the channels - it was mostly children's programs on. He stopped at MTV to maybe hear some good music. It was the MTW news. What he was about to hear would turn his life around.
Lars chuckled to the news that Britney Spears and Justin supposedly had moved in together. "So not true," he whispered to himself.
"And now to some disturbing news. A press release from Jive Records states that Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys died early this morning. The record company would not give us any information about how Carter died. Again, Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys died early this morning at the age of 20. A press conference will be held late this afternoon, and we will bring it to you live."
Lars couldn't move. The remote slipped out of his hands and fell on the floor. He couldn't even cry. He was in shock. The walls were closing in on him. A part of him died as well that morning...
"We bring the BSB press conference to you live from Tampa, FL. Here is the guys. Let's listen to what they have to say about this which has to be one of the hardest things they've had to cope with.
"Hi everybody. Thank you all for coming," Kevin said - his voice almost cracking.
"As you all know, Nick died this morning. Nick has been depressed lately, and as much as we have tried to help him out, we've not been able to reach into his heart to find out how to help." Kevin was crying now.
Brian and Howie couldn't even look up. They were crying. AJ was just staring out in space.
"Nick woke up early this morning, and..." Kevin broke down. It took him several minutes to get himself together. None of the other guys made any attempt to speak. They must have agreed beforehand that Kevin, as the leader, would explain.
"He went out to his garage and..." Kevin continued. "He went out to the garage and shot himself in the head." Kevin couldn't help himself now. He was crying uncontrolably.
Everybody in the conference room were shocked. The room was deadly quiet.
"I can't believe this," Justin said with tears in his eyes. "I can't believe he is dead. I can't believe he shot himself." Justin was sobbing without control. JC walked over and put his arms around Justin who was sitting on the edge of the bed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
"What the hell was that?" the five guys of N'Sync exclaimed.
"It sounded like someone screaming," Chris said.
"It sounded like Lars," Justin said and rose to his feet and moved towards the door. "I am going to check on him."
Justin walked over to Lars' room. He stopped outside the door. It sounded like someone was trashing the room. He knocked on the door, but no reaction. The noise from the inside was too loud.
Justin opened the door slowly and peeked inside. Lars was in the middle of the room throwing everything he could get his hands on around. He was crying and screaming.
Justin walked over to Lars and put his arms around him.
"I KILLED HIM, JUSTIN! I KILLED HIM!" Lars screamed.
"Killed who, Lars?" Justin asked soothingly.
"Nick. I killed him," Lars answered. Justin could barely hear him.
Justin was confused. He didn't understand.
'Does Lars know Nick? And why does he feel that he killed him?' Justin asked himself.
He was embracing Lars who was still crying. He had been crying almost an hour now. Justin was really worried.
"Lars, maybe you should try to get some sleep?" Justin suggested as he almost carried Lars over to the bed.
He put Lars down on the bed and put the covers around him. It didn't take Lars long to fall asleep. Justin kissed him gently on the forehead and left the room.
"What's wrong with him, Justin," Lance asked concerned.
"I don't know. He keeps on saying that he killed Nick - but I have no idea if he knows Nick or anything," Justin said.
"I am going to call Kevin and ask if they know something about Lars," Lance said.
"Do you think that is a very good idea right now?" JC asked. "I mean they are probably very upset all things considered."
"I think you should call, Lance," Justin begged. "You guys didn't see him in there. He is losing it."
"Okay, I'll give Kev a call tonight," Lance said.
TO BE CONTINUED
So that was part 8 of my story, finally. I hope you all liked it. Feedback is WANTED and you can e-mail your comments, suggestions and questions to chris_h81no@hotmail.com. I always reply to those who e-mail me.
The story will continue...for how long I don't know. I know where it will end, but the path there is still a mystery. I will, however, have something out a lot sooner than this. See ya all soon! Chr.