---------------------DISCLAIMER-------------------- This story will eventually contain sexual acts between underage males. It will also contain strong language, violence and graphic details. If you are underage, stop reading now. If you live in an area where any of these before mentioned acts are illegal, stop reading now. If you're offended by existentialist views, or sexual acts between male teenagers, stop reading now. If this does not apply for you, enjoy reading! ---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------
New York, June 2008
A normal day like any other. Nothing worth memorizing, nothing worth to write down, simply nothing. Unless you count being shouted at by your math teacher as eventful. Normally it would be eventful, but since it was something that happened everyday....nothing. Do you know how it feels to be alone? And with alone I mean alone in the greatest sense of the word; feeling as if society doesn't care for you at all. Alone as in having no one of who you think is a true friend; as if they're only pretending. Alone as in not knowing what to do in your future, or why to even care about the future. It used to suck, loneliness.
Yet somehow, it feels like some kind of a relief. A relief in the sense of not having to depend on someone else. You're basically on your own, and your here for yourself. If you have friends, or a relationship, people expect you to "take things in mind" concerning other people's thoughts. They expect you to have the same thought pattern, the same interests. They want you to be there for them, even when you should be there for yourself. Sounds kind of selfish doesn't it ? Well it is, but we're taught not to think about ourselves first.
Where the feelings come from, I have no idea. I didn't use to think like this, it just happened at some point. Thoughts about what life means, about what our final goal is; why are we here? What are we expected to do? In some books I've read that the human main purpose is reproduction. Ironic, being a sixteen year old gay boy, this leaves me again with nothing. No way I'm gonna stick my thingy inside of a girl to "reproduce myself". I don't think I'd be able to without puking, and between you and me; who would really want to put a child in a world like this? I'm sorry; there my thoughts go again. Just think about what we're doing here on this planet. We're using everything that nature produced in billions of year. We're having governments that throw other governments aside for the sake of freedom.
Freedom, another one of those...filthy words. In this world there is no absolute freedom. We've got freedom of speech; until a certain point. We've got freedom in the choices we make, what kind of a job we want, what we want to do with our lives, you name it. But think more deeply; our choices? They're only accepted if they fit in the general image. What kind of a job we want? Exactly, Want, not get. It is not the individual who decides what job you get, but the higher person in the office who decides if you will. What we want to do with our life ? Yes, as long as it fits in what society expects of you. Our society; a box the size of our western world. And if you dare fall out of this box, or even think outside of it, people will mark you as crazy, an anarchist or even an existentialist.
These kind of people are dangerous; a threat. They believe in everything where normal people in the big society box don't believe in. Some famous movie came with a special quote, and it goes a little something like this: "Government is there to keep people sane, in order. Without government, we would be reduced to savages". Now I think the last time people didn't have a government system was...I don't even know when we didn't have a government system. My historical knowledge isn't too perfect. But let us return to our all-covering box. The individual in this world is of zero importance. Let's face it: what you and I do, what does it really contribute on a larger scale? Unless your in a very high government position, with a great view outside of the box, what can you do to ultimately change this world?
I have always compared life with an essay. Imagine yourself in English class, and your teacher gives you this huge assignment. The assignment is: Write an essay about the English language. Of course your teacher wants it to be very detailed, with great illustrations, and a perfect lay-out. You go home, and start your project. The teacher told you that you had about 4 months to produce it, and that it better be good, or else. In between line: Again I didn't have a say, or a choice in what I was going to do. It was forced on me by someone with a higher place in our happy box. Boom. Computer turned on, and now let's wait for the computer to start up, so we can open up our word program and a few fancy sites with information about the English language. Of course, when your finally typing away, you realise that finding the information wasn't as easy as you thought, and that making a representable essay out of it is also going to be a problem. Ok then, we're stuck here. You thought the essay would take a few days, but in the end it did take you five months. In these five months, you have been going up- and downhill. You faced a lot of problems, you had fun times doing it, but even more times when you could literally throw your computer out of the window. The emotional influence this essay brought on you is not describable. You go to class, with the essay your so proud of. The essay that took so much of your time, so much of your patience.
Your teacher walks up to you, smiles, and takes in the essay. "Well done!" She says, and takes the essay to the nearest dustbin. With one more devilish grin, she drops your essay. Right into the bin. Along with all the chewing gum, pieces of bread, failed papers, everything. She walks back to her office and marks down an: acceptable. You might think now: what does this have to do with life? Just think about it. You live your whole life, and then in the end? You die. Simple as that. You put a lot of effort and emotions into it. You've had more downfalls than actual happiness. You started relationships and ended them. With what goal? To be thrown in the dustbin, and get an: acceptable. Now an acceptable isn't something you get easily though. You can only achieve this, when you've lived according to the box's rules. If you followed the right guide-lines; the laws. If not, they will probably dispose of you even before you finished your essay, your life. Just like the teacher, when you go wrong, she'll put you back on the right track. Or at least, what she thinks is the right track.. I don't want to have it anymore though. I don't want a teacher to correct me if what I do is wrong in her eyes. As long as I don't hurt anyone with it, it should be none of her concern.
Now I'm lying here in my bed, awake for the last couple of hours. I'm trying to see the purpose of the why. A why for everything. Why do I have to feel like this? Are there other people feeling like this? And WHY are they feeling like this? Why am I worrying about stuff that eventually don't matter in the end? I mean, no one is going to look back in a hundred years and think: "hey! This boy was thinking this, how cool!" No, I'm just doing it for myself, but it doesn't solve anything. What I also cannot put out of my head is the thought of what I'm gonna do when I grow up. I'm doing school like everyone else, study like everyone else, and eventually...will be expected to have a job like anyone else. Yet the thoughts that are now in my head completely repel this idea. I simply do not live to work. I should work to live. And work? The less the better. I don't need a lot of money, as long as I can be happy. You can now attack me with: what do you care? Your the one saying that everything doesn't matter in the end; so why go to school? Why work? Simple. Because it is expected of me, and honestly, it's the road of the least resistance. At least it is for now, while I'm still living with my parents. When I leave their house at some point, things are going to change. Drastically so.
The plans aren't there yet, but you'll see. Just you wait. Things will change. I can't say for the better or the worse, but at least they'll be my complete own decision. Decisions outside of the box. Something I'd really like to do is see more of the world. Visit other country's, meet other cultures, see different landscapes, everything that I don't know yet. It's best to just have a wide image of the world as it is. I don't want to be secluded in my own area, I want to know what different cultures do for their living, how they get along with each other, and how in some country's they manage to do stuff with a lot less than we do. When it is my time to die, I want to know as much as there is to know about this world. And then I don't mean the trivial things you learn out of school books. I mean the real thing, the real knowledge, reality. Observed from outside of the box.
My thoughts have strayed far, I began with loneliness, and now I'm up to traveling. Let's head back one more time to the loneliness. Loneliness has a few stages; it begins with concern about why your feeling lonely, what you can do about it, and how you feel about it. After this period comes the self-pity, you don't think there's any way out of your loneliness, and in this confused state there basically is none. Now most of the people get a push to start being more social; they built specific walls, to keep themselves inside of the box, and to get hurt less frequently. They'll start dating, and their basically back on the straight road in the box. For others, and I count myself as one, the realisation dawns on you that it's actually not quite so bad, that every disadvantage has it's advantages. If you're up to this point, you will recover yourself, with a whole new view on life. You realise that your alone, but that alone doesn't equal unhappy, or disadvantaged. It equals individualism; your the king of your own life, and there is nothing holding you back. Unless you count the protectors of the box; the police. But you don't have to do anything to upset them now do you. Just keep below the surface...
My goal in life is, like I mentioned, to know as much about the world as possible. I want to gather as much knowledge about all the things I find interesting. Now in society's eye, I should use my knowledge to teach people, or to have a proper job to use the skills I acquired. I can produce things, but in the end of the day, I don't produce them for myself. Nothing I do really is for myself. You work, so a company is able to exist; to produce what they can sell, and make money off. The only thing I get in return is money. Currency I can use to buy myself things I need in order to survive. The thing is, there are also people who are not able to work. People who are either handicapped, too old, too young or too lazy to work. The money I make, is only partially mine. I'll have to pay taxes, so these not-working people can also have a good living. This idea is very noble, but not towards me. Why should I have to be the one to pay for these people? Why can't it be the government, the same government that wants all possible influence over us. I will have to work hard for my money, only to see it be taken away and given to the poor. And you know what? I wouldn't mind not having all this money. The only reason I need it is in order to survive. Which is only partially true; there are still country's in this world where money isn't used, where people still live in forests, hunting for their food. Are they unhappy because they haven't got money? No they're not, they simply don't need it to provide in their needs.
So what are we doing..? This all sounds like one big joke. I don't know what I feel like more; either cry hysterically, or laugh hysterically. Both choices fit me at the moment, so why not try both. The world is insane, and I'm one of the chosen to see this.
These were the last thoughts Damian had before sleep finally took over. Tomorrow was going to be another day at school, another day of trivialities and whatever else will happen.
END OF CHAPTER 1
----------------------------- Note of the author: Feedback please
Since this is my first submission to the nifty archive, I would gladly like to hear what Your opinion is in what I posted here. Feedback and reply's will be my main motivation to continue.
Any feedback; positive or negative: feistontibia@gmail.com This story is going to be posted in multiple chapters. As for now, the story does not contain any sexual scenes. This will change however in later installments, when the characters are build. The story will eventually turn out to be a high school romance, with a darker side towards fantasy. Existentialist views are spread around every chapter. -----------------------------