Forbidden Love

Okay guys, let me start off by apologizing... I'm so sorry for this being a couple months late. I've had it finished (written on paper) since the end of chapter II, but getting it typed and proofread and all that crappy stuff just took so much time, which I haven't had too much of lately. And you're not getting that good of a chapter either... It's long, and a connecting chapter. Oh well, the best is yet to come.

I've updated the web site a little. You can find that at http://members.tripod.com/brianandcrist/ I'm still planning on using most of the stuff on the plot development page. Some of the stuff may be modified, just a tad though.

I'd take some time to recognize other stories right now, but since I haven't read anything in two months, I don't know what is out other '-)

Since it's been so long, I'm going to try to give the shortest summary as possible to where this chapter picks up...

Christian Williamson is in a Play called Martin Guerre. Brian went to see this, and during the play, the two locked eyes. Brian decided to go backstage after the show, and this chapter starts right after Crist opened the door to find Brian standing there.

Without further delay, here is chapter III of Forbidden Love:

I was stunned. I stood starring at him for a split second. I shook my head to get myself back to my senses. "I'm sorry... Hi, my name is Crist" I said extending my hand which was shaking a little bit.

"Hi I'm Brian." He replied awkwardly, shaking my hand. He seemed nervous.

"You're the guy from the audience." I was still in "la-la" land, not realizing who he actually was.

"Ya" He looked down and blushed.

"You wanna come in?"

"That'd be great. Thanks." He said, excited. He walked in and I shut the door staring at him.

He was looking at my dressing room."Nice place you got here."

"Thanks. I like. Here, have a seat." I pulled out a kitchen chair. "Do you want a coke?"

"Sure." I could tell he was still a little uncomfortable, which in turn gave me a little confidence.

I went to the fridge and opened the door. I bent down to find us some sodas. I had totally forgotten about my Mtn. Dew. Heck anything that happened before I opened the door escaped my mind. Since I was feeling a little confident, I decided to strike up some conversation and get a feel for this guy while I was fumbling for the soda. "I'd like to congratulate you." I was being silly.

"For what?" He asked puzzled.

"You were the first to break my concentration on stage." I wish I could have told him he was the first I had such strange feelings for.

"Yikes. I'm sorry." Even though I was still messing around in the fridge, I could tell he was blushing.

"Oh no, don't be sorry I sung better then, than I'd ever sung at practice." I was trying to be serious. Right then I found the sodas. "Found 'em... God who put them at the back behind everything?"

"Great. I'm really thirsty." He said rubbing his throat.

"Here." I handed him the coke and sat down. He gave me this puzzled look. "Oops... sorry." I left the caps on. The cokes were those old fashioned kind, you know, the glass ones, tall and skinny with the metal caps. I got up and went to the vanity cause there was a bottle opener on it, along with my stereo, cd's makeup , and a whole crap load of other stuff.

I got the 1st bottle opened fine. I had this down to a science, so I didn't even have to look. I put the cap under the opener and then pulled up, peeping at Brian in the mirror. I put the second bottle under, but I was so intent on staring at him, that it slipped and didn't open. "Shit." That broke my staring session. I looked down and put the bottle under again. I was just starting to look up when the BSB cd caught my eye. I saw Brian on the cover and thought about how cute he was. Then it hit me, he was in my dressing room! I looked back up to double check, and it was definitely him. I started to shake as I managed to whisper to myself, "Oh my god. That's... that's Brian." Right then I stepped out of my after-stage shock, and went into celebrity shock, or more like 'crush shock'. "Oh god, what am I going to do?" By that time I was shaking really badly. I turned around and walked over to the table, trying to keep my composure, but failing miserably. As I gave him his soda, my hand was trembling so badly that a little bit spilled out.

"Are you okay?" He asked sincerely.

"You're... You're... Brian." I couldn't talk, I was lucky to be able to spit that out.

"Ya...?" He said with question.

"You're Brian Litrell from the Backstreet Boys. Oh my god, I love you guys. You were a real inspiration for me." He was blushing so badly that I didn't think he could get any redder, but he did. " I remember when I first started singing, I would listen to your songs and sing with them to work my upper register. Wow! I can't believe you're here. You have such a great voice." It finally clicked for me that I was rambling and embarrassing him to death. His face was so red that I almost started to laugh, but I was able to hold it in.

"Wow." Was the only word he spoke, like he was the one in shock.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ramble on like that." The color was draining from his face and now filling mine. "I just would have never expected you to be here tonight." I said trying to get settled down.

"Why's that?"

"Well I didn't know you liked musicals and with all the rumors, this is the last place I'd thought you'd be."

"I don't care what the press says. I love Martin Guerre and once I heard you sing and knew you had a great voice, I couldn't miss it." He was giving me this mixed 'I want you look', well at least I thought he was, and I knew I was giving him a most definite 'I want you look'

"Thanks." I wasn't going to say anything about wanting him. I had just met him and although we had that exchange out on stage, it was like something was preventing us both from talking about it. "How come you weren't there at the very end?"

"Like as soon as the curtain closed, I got paged. I wanted to meet you right after the show, but when I got back in the auditorium, everybody was standing in the isles and I couldn't make it down so I just decided to wait around 'til everybody left. But you left after 15 minutes. I had a couple of connections in security and they let me back here. I passed Heather in the hall who told me where your dressing room was and I got here."

"I'm glad you did. I came back on stage and when I saw you were gone, I got really disappointed..." I stopped myself realizing that I was hinting too much.

"Why? I mean you didn't know who I was."

I couldn't tell whether he was asking because if I gave a gay answer, he was out of there, or whether he was hoping I'd give a gay answer. Since I didn't know, I had to try to give the least gayest answer as possible. "Well because like I said, I wanted to congratulate the person who broke my on stage concentration." Okay, so it was gay, but I couldn't think of anything else. I know I should have told him the truth, but I'm not that bold.

"I'm glad I came back then." He said jokingly. "But seriously, I did want to meet you after I heard your song and saw you on Rosie and Oprah and then after the thing during the play I knew I had to see you." He was getting into it, but I think or at least I hoped he realized he was sounding gay. There was a second of awkward silence and he started to scoot his chair out. "Well I've kept you long enough. I should get going." He said looking at the floor.

My heart sank. Even though I wasn't going to come out and tell him I wanted him, I wasn't going to let him go. "No please don't. It gets lonely around here and I don't have anything to do." I gave him this look pleading for him to stay.

"Cool. I don't have anything to do either." He smiled.

"Well you want to get something to eat? I'm starved" I rubbed my stomach.

"Sure, that'd be great."

"Okay. Let me get a really quick shower and then we'll go to this little coffee shop a couple of blocks down."

"Cool."

"You want to watch TV until I'm ready?" I asked.

"Sure. Thanks."

"Ya, no problem." I threw him the remote, walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I leaned up against it taking in all that just happened. "My god, I can't believe Brian Littrell is in my dressing room! Brian Littrell is in my dressing room!" I said to myself over and over. "Okay, settle down. You have to get ready." So I turned on the water and hopped in the shower. 'Boy I wish he was in here with me.' I thought to myself as a smile crept across my face. The thought was very enticing.

It took me about 5 minutes to finish. I got dried off and put on my socks, boxer-briefs and pants. "Shit." I said, realizing that I forgot to bring my shirt in with me. "Well I'll just have to go out there and get it." I was kind of shy about my body, so I wasn't too thrilled that I had to go out without my shirt on in front of him. I took a deep breath, put a towel around my shoulders, and walked out of the bathroom.

Brian heard the door open and turned around. This surprised, but yet wistful look was in his eyes. He quickly shook his head and got real serious.

"You know what?" He asked.

"What?" I started to worry.

"I don't think they're going to let you in like that." He whispered, acting like he was letting me in on a huge secret.

I decided to play along. "Oh really?" I laid on this real think hick-ish accent. "Back home, we didn't have no fancy coffee shops where you had to wear them-there clothes to get in. You city folk are just so darn picky."

We started laughing as he threw a cushion at me. "Shuddup..."

I ducked and it missed me. I stood up and shook my finger at him, speaking in a motherly tone. "Now, now. You shouldn't be throwing pillows in the house. You could break something." He giggled and threw another on at me. I caught it and threw it right at his head, messing up his hair. "Yikes. There goes 5 hours of sitting in front of the mirror."

"Hey! It was only 4 hours, for your information. Now put your shirt on so we can go." He put a ball cap on. God, he looked sexy in it.

"Oh you were serious about the shirt?" I asked like I hadn't a clue. I felt so comfortable joking around with him. I rarely joked like this with my closest friends let alone someone I met 15 minutes beforehand, and I never joked around with one of my crushes, but this was different. It was like I forgot I had a crush on him. I wanted him, but I didn't have this over powering urge to jump on him. I was so happy and content just being with him. I felt as if we were made for each other. "Well in that case I'll just wear my red Polo t-shirt." I went over to the armoire and got it out. I loved that shirt.

"Oh so you like those shirts too?" He asked seeing me take it off the hanger.

"Ya. The fabric they used is so soft and it keeps its color very very well in the wash. This one is my favorite."

"I have a blue one like that, that's my favorite, too." He chimed.

"Well here." I handed him a blue one. "You've got to be really hot in that suit." He was wearing a pair of black casual slacks, so I knew it wouldn't look bad.

"Ya, I am... Thanx." He took off his blazer. "You got a hanger I can use?"

"Yep." I went over and got one. "Here."

"Thanks." He put it on the hanger and I hung it up.

"You can go in the bathroom to change if you want." I told him.

"Nah, as long as you can keep your hands off me." He smirked.

"Shut up." I laughed. "How hurry up, I'm starving."

He started to unbutton his shirt. I felt kind of awkward sitting there watching him undress, so I tried to keep the conversation going. "So the show was good tonight then?"

"Oh ya. It was really great." He finished unbuttoning and took his dress shirt off, and then pulled off his wife beater he had on. I saw his scar from the heart surgery he had.

"Wow. That scar is a lot smaller than what i thought it would be." I said surprised.

"Ya. The doctors did a really good job at stitching me back up. My management probably threatened him with death if they didn't."

It was everything I could do to keep from touching him. He picked up the shirt and put in it on. "Do you want a jacket?" I asked.

"Yes, please."

I had about 50 promotional Martin Guerre jackets in a huge box in the corner, so I pulled out one and put it on. I gave him the one I had been using, I wanted him to have something that was mine. "Here keep it. You can wear it when the cameras are on you." I joked. "The publicity never hurts."

"Sure. Okay, let's go." He opened the door and walked out. I locked the door and we started down the hall. "Aren't you going to wear a hat?" He asked, pointing to my head.

"Shit. Oh well, I don't want to go back and get it. Hopefully no one will notice me, we're only walking two blocks." He shrugged, and we walked out of the building. "Holy Shit! It's cold out here!" I exclaimed.

"Well let's hurry up and get there." He said.

We both walked really quickly not saying a word 'til we got inside.

"Thank god we're here. I know the owner, he'll make sure no one bothers us." I said to Brian, taking off my coat.

"Good."

"Let's get a seat." I extended my arm, letting him go first. We sat down in a corner seat and the owner came out. By the way, this is the same coffee shop that Cass and I were at earlier.

"You're back. I'm glad to have you here again." He said giving me a menu.

"Well thanks. Oh this is my friend Brian." I said. They shook hands. I almost had to laugh because Jim didn't know who Brian was and when I told him, he said he'd never heard of the Backstreet Boys.

Brian kind of blushed and then said "Well I'll just have to send you one of our cds."

"That would be great. Thanks. I'll be back in a couple of minutes." He walked over to another table, and I guess he took their order too.

"My god, I didn't think there was a person left who never heard of the Backstreet Boys." I said jokingly.

"You'd be surprised actually. I mean there really isn't a teenager who hasn't heard of us, but adults..." He looked down at his menu. "That's another story."

"Hmm. I didn't think of that." I said looking down at my menu also. "So do you know what you're getting?"

"Ah... I think I'll get the double cheese burger with fries and a coke."

"I hope you don't eat like that all the time. You better watch out, they won't be showing your abs in your videos, if you do." I said comically.

"Well I do usually eat better, Kevin makes me, but since we've been in New York, I've gotten a good workout routine going and I can sneak in a burger every once in awhile."

"You don't weight lift for bulk, right?" I asked, wanting to know a little bit about his workout.

"No, I do lots of reps with semi-heavy weights. It's more practical, you know, going up on stage and moving around, I don't need that extra weight and bulk. Plus it's good for my heart."

I caught myself staring at him as he talked and tried to get my 'I want you look' out of my eyes. He was giving me mixed looks all the time though. One moment he'd have such a passion look in his eyes, I thought he'd jump over the table and other times it would seem as if he didn't even care, and it was that way more than not. I didn't know what to think, did he want me or didn't he? I couldn't tell, so being consistent with my personality, I wasn't going to make the first move, unless I was sure, which like I said, I wasn't.

I snapped back into the real world, after that little pause, "So do you have to do anything special on stage because of your heart?"

"Well I can't over do it, like run from one side of the stage to the other the whole show, but I don't have to just stand there either. I'll know I'm overdoing it if I get a little chest pain and that's only ever happened once."

"Well for your sake, I hope that doesn't happen again." I told him, which was the most absolute truth.

"Thanks. Me too." There was a little awkward pause and then he started to talk again. "So you're not going to tour solo for a while?"

"I'd rather just open for somebody else, for the time being. You know, so I can get into it, before I'd take the solo plunge."

"Who?" He asked.

"Well I'm not sure." I was stumbling for words, because I didn't want to come right out and tell him that my one dream was to go with the Backstreet Boys. "I mean there..."

"With us?" He interrupted, looking like he wanted me to say 'yes.'

"Well that'd be nice, but I know that wouldn't be possible." I said shyly.

"Why not?" He shot back, puzzled.

"Well..." Just then Jim came over rescuing from answering.

"You guys ready to order?"

"Yep. I'd like the double cheeseburger with cheese fries and a pepsi" Brian said giving him the menu.

"And you?" Jim directed to me.

"Umm... I'll take the breaded chicken sandwich with fries."

"Anything to drink?"

"Oh ya... A Mountain Dew." I replied giving him the menu.

"Good. I'll be back with your food in a couple of minutes." He said and then walked into the kitchen.

"Okay, now why wouldn't you be able to go on tour with us?" Brian asked very pointedly.

"Well I mean you guys probably wouldn't want me tagging along cause you're so successful and I'd just be a pain." I stated, looking at the floor. I was trying to avoid eye contact with him.

"Wait a sec, who ever said we wouldn't want you to come with us?" He asked almost angered that I'd think that.

"Well... I mean I just assumed that." I responded lowly.

"Well don't assume anything. If you wanted to go with us, you should have had your manager get in contact with David, our main agent from The Firm." He was almost scolding me, but in a compassionate kind of way.

"Okay, I'll do that. So when does your next tour start?" I asked smiling, cause he actually wanted me to go.

"I'm not sure. Probably sometime in May or June. If you did go, that wouldn't conflict with your MG thing would it?" He questioned.

"I'm not sure, I doubt it. I'm only obligated to be there the first two weeks."

"Well it's not for awhile, so we don't have to worry about it." He said as Jim put our food on the table.

"Here you go." He set Brian's plate in front of Brian, and mine in front of me.

"Thanks." Brian replied.

"Sure." Jim smiled and went back to the kitchen.

"So how does it feel to have the number one song?" He asked me with a devilish grin.

"You should know. I mean you've had number ones all over the world." I

"Ya, but none in the US, and none that have sky rocketed to the top like yours has, in the US." He complimented.

I blushed a little. "Well I just hope it doesn't fall as fast as it went up. Songs that rise fast have a tendency to do that." I started eating.

"Oh trust me, you're song is different. I mean all the fast risers have something in common, but yours stands out. It has feeling. A thing that most songs lack. Trust me, people won't get sick of it quickly."

"I hope so. Oh my god, I forgot to tell you how much I love 'That's what she said' It's great!" I said with a mouthful.

"Thanks. I put a lot of time and effort into it. Where did you here it?" He asked, starting to eat as well.

"Oh, your PPV concert. I taped it and played it all the time. Oh ya, that reminds me, what happened to you near the end? You seemed to be out of it a couple of times." I only noticed it twice and both times he was looking at Nick in a loving kind of way, which made me wonder about their 'friendship.' I wanted to see if he'd admit to anything.

He did start to flush. He apparently knew about the two times I was talking about. "Well it's hard to remember everything when you're that tired. I don't know if you saw or not, but Nick like snapped me back into it a couple of times." He recovered nicely, but I could tell he wasn't being completely honesst.

'Holy shit, that was close, but do I really need to hid from him? He's been giving me the looks all night, or what appear to be "the looks" and if he didn't want me why would he have noticed my "flubs" in the concert. The only times I messed up were when I was looking at Nick. Nah. Brian just stop it. He just got done with a great performance and is probably super tired. He's not interested in you, or any man for that matter, so just drop it.' Brian thought to himself after he spoke.

"Ya, I saw that. Heck if that would've been me, I probably would have collapsed from exhaustment." I said.

"Trust me, I almost did. Have you ever collapsed or almost collapsed on stage?" He asked taking a bite of that really greasy burger.

"Actually no. I haven't been in too many live performances, but when I get up there my body gets flooded with adrenaline, I get in the 'zone' and I go and keep going like the Energizer

Bunny."

"That's awesome. I wish I'd be like that." He replied wishfully.

"It is pretty nice, but I've already gotten lots of people mad at me. I'll get totally out of it like an hour before and stay that way for about an hour after. Then when someone comes and tries to talk to me, I won't recognize them and if I do, I can never pay attention to what they're saying. Therefore they thing I'm being rude. Take you for example, I didn't recognize you until I saw the CD on my dresser." I took a bite and started talking again. "It's getting better though and I'm gaining control of myself before and after a show, more and more." I said that and he got a devilish grin on his face.

"That means you won't need the Depends I got for you then."

"What?" I was confused.

"Never mind." He shook his head and started eating again.

"Oh... I get it. I'm gaining control... Depends... You're so stupid." I laughed to myself.

"You're the one who didn't get it." He shot back.

"Ya... well... okay, I'm shutting up now. Hey how come the other guys didn't come?"

"They had other plans." He rolled his eyes. "They're all coming tomorrow though."

"Oh really?" That was awesome, not only would I get to see Brian again, I'd get to meet the rest of the guys.

"You're coming, right?" I tried not to sound to hoping.

"I wouldn't miss it. I don't get to New York that often and I never get to go to any Broadway shows, so I'm trying to take advantage of all the time that I have now." He said sincerely.

"That would suck not being able to do whatever you wanted. I'm started to get restricted like that and it sucks. But luckily, I don't travel much to promote myself, so I still have a lot of free time when I'm not working in the Theatre." I commented.

"Once you start touring, it'll all change. You won't have time for anything... old friends, fun and especially not relationships. Speaking of relationships, where's your girlfriend?"

"I don't know right now and I don't care." I was just glad she wasn't there.

He looked suddenly interested. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm tire of have to put on this show that I love her. I don't love her and she doesn't have a clue. I feel trapped in this relationship. I'm going to break up with her very soon" he was trying to keep from grinning, but wasn't doing a good job. "I'm just so glad that she's not here tonight because I can be by myself and not have her hanging all over me." God that was the truth. If she would have been at the premier, I might have not been sitting with Brian at that moment, and that would have been awful.

"But on that Oprah interview you gushed over her." He argued.

"That's my manager's fault. She knows I don't love Jes, but she said I had to do it. Especially that day. You know with the questions Oprah was asking, about umm... you and I" I looked down and blushed. "But now it doesn't matter, so I can break up with her. I just don't want to hurt her. I like her as a friend cause she's the sweetest person, but like I said, I don't lover her and feel so free when she's not with me."

He seemed so happy about me not having a girlfriend that his answer to my next question took me back a bit. "So do you have a girlfriend?"

"Well ya. We've been going out for a while now. She's visiting with her family right now, that's why I didn't bring her." He said. 'Ya right, like I would've ruined this night by bringing her' Brian retaliated in his mind. "Her name's Leigh-Anne. She's and actor slash model."

My heart sank and I got a sick in the stomach feel. Up until now he really hadn't done or said anything that made him definitely not gay, so I had my hopes up. This bombshell, though, broke my heart."

"I'll be bringing her to the show tomorrow, so you'll get to meet her." He continued although with out much excitement, as one would think he should have.

I faked a 'Oh that's great' smile, trying to hide my disappointment. I mean, god, it only got worse! First it's confirmed he's not gay, and then second he's going to bring her! I felt like running away and crying somewhere, but I couldn't do that, so I sat there looking very blue.

He sensed my sudden change in mood and smiled as if in his mind he was saying 'Yes! It worked!' which, he was. I didn't know what he was up to, and that smile only made me more depressed.

"You'll like her. She's really nice." He said taking a big bite of that fat greasy burger. You might ask why I keep mentioning that burger. Well I like burgers, I don't have a problem with burgers, but this one was so big and greasy and he had no trouble eating it, which was grossing me out.

"God, if you take another bit of that burger, I'm going to puke." I wanted to switch the topic off of girlfriends and get him to stop eating that hamburger.

"Ya, it is pretty bad, and probably not to good for my arteries either." He put the burger down and started to eat the fries.

"Thanks. Now you don't have to worry about me puking on you."

"Well do you mind if I eat the fries?" He was being smart.

"Sure, those are fine. Go ahead."

"Oh ya, what are you doing for lunch tomorrow?" He asked.

"Nothing that I know of, why?"

"Well do you want to have lunch with me and the guys?" He questioned innocently.

"Ya!" I said, a little to anxiously.

"Don't get too excited. It's just lunch." He laughed.

"Sorry." I smiled at him. "So where will we be going."

"Oh I don't know. We'll probably just stay at the studio and you can come over there."

"I guess I'll get to meet your girlfriend before the show, then?" I wanted to know if she'd be there.

"She won't be there." He said flatly.

I got a grin on my face, that was good news. "How come?" I asked.

"Well I wanted it to be just you and me and the guys. You'll really like them."

That was awesome, he wanted it to be 'just you and me' and of course those four others... I was very happy, needless to say. "I'm sure. Is there anything I should know before meeting them?"

"Umm... Not really. Nick might be a little trouble, but just blow him off. He tries to scare away any new friends I meet." Brian said.

"Okay. Thanks for warning me."

"No problem."

We just sat there and talked until Jim came over and told us he was closing up. I don't know what time that was, but I do know that it was late.

"Jeez. I can't believe we've been gabbing for so long. That time flew." Brian said looking at his watch after Jim left our table.

I looked up and saw that the clock said 12:45. "Wow, it sure did. I didn't even realize how late it was or I would have said something."

"I'm glad you didn't case this was really nice. I usually don't get to talk like this often. Nick can't exactly hold an in depth conversation very long." He smiled as he got up.

I grinned back. "Me neither. So are you going to call a cab or wait for your limo?"

"I'm going to call for the limo. You want a ride?"

"Ya. I'd really appreciate that." I chimed.

He pulled out his cell phone and called. He said it would be about ten minutes before the limo got there so we went over to the cash register and paid our bill. We talked with Jim for a little bit. We signed a menu for him and then a piece of paper for his daughter.

"Did you get tickets for the show?" I asked him.

"I wanted to, but they were all sold out." He looked kind of bummed.

"Well i don't have any tickets for tomorrow, but here are four tickets for Wednesday." I pulled out the tickets and gave the to him. They were for the 4:00 show. That was the only show I could get extra tickets to. The shows for the next two weeks wee booked solid! I did manage to get tickets for my parents for the 7:00 Wednesday show and even that was a task.

"Thanks! Hey if you're ever here again, your meal is on the house."

"Cool." Just then the limo pulled up. "It was really nice.getting to talk to you Jim." I put out my hand and he shook it.

"Yes. It was nice meeting you." Brian said with his genuine charm. He shook Jim's hand as well.

"Thanks. Come back any time." Jim replied.

"Oh we will. Bye." I told him.

"Bye." He locked the door as we left and got in the limo. Brian sat across from me and laid down on the seat.

"I'm beat." He said.

"Ya, me too. When I get home, I'm going strait to bed."

"That's what I'm going to try to do too, if the other guys'll let me." He yawned.

"They'll still be up?" I was a little surprised.

"Well Kevin will be. He's always looking out for me."

"That's good. At least you have someone to look out for you." I said sincerely.

"Ya, he can be a little to over protective at times, but I still love him." He yawned again and closed his eyes.

I just sat there and stared at him. Pretty soon he was snoring lightly. It was the cutest snore too. He looked so peaceful, like a sleeping baby. I wanted to go over and cuddle him so bad, but I stayed seated. Before I knew it, the limo was at my apartment building.

I gave him a little shake to know I was leaving. He sat straight up. "Shit. I'm sorry Chris. I can't believe I fell asleep." He said rubbing his eyes.

"That's okay. I didn't mind."

"I'll call you tomorrow sometime to let you know when the limo will be out. What's your number?" He asked.

"Do you have a piece of paper I could write it down on?"

"Yeppers." He reached across and opened one of the little cabinets and got out a piece of paper and a pen. He gave them to me, and I wrote down my number.

"Here." I gave it to him.

"Thanks. Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." He said.

"Yep. Bye." I gave him a quaint little smile, and then got out.

"See ya." He waived. I closed the door and the limo pulled away.

I went up to the door, put my key in, turned it, then slipped my I.D. card through in a thing that looked like a MAC machine. The door opened and I took the elevator up to my apartment. I got in and changed into some pj's. I was like a robot; I just kept running the events of the night through my head. I was totally oblivious to everything, even the big red blinking light on my answering machine, until I stubbed my toe on the dresser.

"Fuck!" It hurt like hell. Then I saw the answering machine blinking and pressed the play button. It was Cass telling me to call her when I got home, no matter what time it was. So I picked up the phone and dialed. It rang about 3 times and then she answered.

"Hello?" She sounded like she just woke, which she probably did.

"Cass. It's me."

"Oh Hi, hun. I'm glad you called. I have some good news." She said yawning.

"What's that?"

"I got you booked on the Tony's" She replied.

"Oh okay. Was that it?" I wasn't exactly jumping for joy. I mean it was an honor and everything, but I was too tired to be excited over something like that.

"No. There's more. I also got you booked on the MTV Music Awards.

"Now that's cool." There was something to get excited about. I loved the MTV awards and always wanted to sing on them.

"Yep and that's the nice part because if you loose popularity, which I doubt will happen, but if it does, you'll still sing. That'll give you a boost if you need it. When I see you tomorrow for breakfast, I'll bring the contract."

"You could've been in MTV's Spring Break, but you have that contract with the MG people, so there was no way you could've done that." She said.

"Well that sucks. What about something over the summer?"

"I asked, but they're not even doing anything with that yet, but when they do, I'm sure we'll be one of the first to know."

"Good. Well I'm really tired, so..."

"Wait. There's still more. The best of all." She interrupted me. "You'll love this."

"What is it?" She really had me anxious.

"I got you a record deal with Jive Records for your sophomore album with creative control." She could barely contain herself.

"What's that mean?' I asked.

"That means if you don't like something about a song, you can have it changed and you can write your own material and put it on the record. and you get 10% on every record plus any royalties for your own material, if you do any of your own songs."

"Oh my god! Cass, that's wonderful. Oh my god. Holy Shit." I kept yelling while pacing around the house. "Cass, you're a miracle worker."

"No, you are. After your performance tonight, everyone wanted you. I didn't have time to talk to them all, so I made a lot of appointments. My next week is booked, and it's all because of you."

"Cass, this means world wide distribution." I said as if a lightbulb went off in my head.

"You got it hunny. And it's going to be big. We're bringing some of the best song writers and producers in for this when we start. This won't go wrong. But you have to keep this under wraps. Don't tell anyone who won't keep it a secret. We don't want this sabotaged. " She was being serious.

"Sure. I can do that."

"Good. So what did you do after the show that kept you so late?" She asked inquisitively.

"Oh Cass, you wont believe it. I was out with Brian Littrell all night. Well not all night, but for a large portion of it."

"What?!" She was shocked.

"Oh Cass. I want to marry him. He's perfect. I don't care if he's straight. We don't have to have sex. I just feel so good being with him." I was acting like a little girl who was talking about her crush.

"Now back up a second. Before you go marrying anyone, tell me how you met him. " She sounded more angry than excited, but I just let it slide.

"Well you know when I stared out in the audience during 'All I know' ?"

"Ya."

"Well it was him I was staring at. He like paralyzed me. I couldn't stop gazing at him and he was gazing right back and singing the words. It was intense."

"I could tell." She said. "So did either of you bring it up later?"

"Actually, no. I wanted to, but it was like something was holding me back. I guess it was me being afraid of him not feeling the same way I did. Like maybe I imagined his reaction during the song, but it felt so real. Well anyways, after that he said he had to meet me, which again made me wonder. So he waited 'til everyone cleared out and came back to my dressing room. Then I invited him to eat at that coffee shop. We got there and talked til the owner closed up. We called his limo and he dropped me off here. He even asked me to go over to the studio they're recording at for lunch."

"Oh." She was real quiet and it almost sounded as if she was sad now, but I totally ignored it cause I couldn't stop rambling..

"The thing I don't get is if eh's not gay, what was that on stage, why did he come back, and why did he ask me over for lunch?

"I don't know about on stage, maybe he was just caught up in the moment. He probably came back to meet you just to meet you and you're a nice guy so that's probably why he asked you to lunch. But how do you know he's not gay?" She asked.

"He told me he had a girlfriend and that he was going to bring her to tomorrow's performance. He had a big grin on his face when he was talking about her, so apparently he's in love. But deep down inside I feel... I know he's got to be gay. He was giving me looks and I caught him staring sometimes. I don't know." It was too much for me to think about. "I just like being with him."

"Chance's are he straight. You probably just took innocent glances as something more and you could have still been in your 'after show mode'." She said. I didn't know if she was trying to protect me or hurt me, but I didn't feel like talking about him with her anymore, cause she didn't make anything look hopeful.

"You're probably right. Well I'm tired, so I'll see you in the morning then?" I asked.

"Yep. Night sweetie."

"Nite. And cass, I don't know what I'd do with out you. What you did for me tonight with that record deal is beyond payment."

"Aw, it was nothing. Night hun." She said.

"Night." I hung up the phone, turned off the lights and crawled in bed.

I laid there for at least 30 minutes before I went to sleep. I kept thinking about what she said about Brian and going back and forth about whether or not he could be gay. I finally tired myself out and fell asleep. ~~~

As the limo pulled away Brian fell asleep taking comfort in seeing me the next day. When the car stopped in front of the building, the driver had to wake Brian. He lowered the division between and then in a soft quiet tone, woke Brian.

"Oh jeez, thanks man. I guess I was really tired." Brian said sitting up.

"Yes sir. Have a good night."

"You too." Brian replied as he got out.

He shut the door and the limo pulled away. He went up to their floor and found Kevin waiting, looking very distraught. "Where were you?" Kevin asked in a scolding tone.

"Nice to see you too. For your information, I was out with Christian Williamson." Brian said as he opened the door to his room and went in.

"What?!?" Kevin stood there aghast.

"You knew I was going to stay after to meet him."

Kevin went in to Brian's room "Ya but, you were out for forever... You spent all that time with him?" He was still a little taken by this news.

"Yep." Brian said grinning.

"Well...?" Kevin asked.

"Well what?"

"Well what happened? How'd you meet him? And how did it come about that you were out so late?" Kevin was in an interrogative mode but with a hint of gossipy-ness showing.

Brian took off the jacket and clenched it letting himself fall backwards on the bed. "Oh Kev, you wouldn't believe it. I was sitting there enjoying the show and then came the song he did on Rosie the other day, "All I Know." He kept glancing at me throughout the song and then in the last chorus, the most important part of the first act, he scanned the audience and quickly locked on to me. We both were staring at each other and he started to sing the chorus that he was supposed to sing to Betrande. That's when it happened. I swear I felt my whole body being energized and connected to his. There was something amazing, magical flowing between us. I started to lip sync and teared up at the emotional drain it was having on me. Well before I knew it, the guards in the play were taking him off stage. He struggled like there was no tomorrow, never breaking eye contact with me. I swear if he would have gotten loose he would have came right for me, but they pulled him back and as soon as I couldn't see him, I felt this huge blow to my system. I took a huge gasp and the one lady beside me asked if I was okay. I couldn't spit out any words. I was barely able to shake my head.

"She gave me this weird look and then got up cause the house lights turned on. They left us out for the intermission. I stayed there and by the time the play started, I was okay. The rest of the play, he avoided looking at me. He was doing it on purpose, I could tell. He probably didn't want to get in another eye lock. Anyways, the play ended, and you BEEPED ME!!! Of all the times to page me! And about something stupid!"

"Jeez, sorry." Kevin Said.

"Well it turned out to be a good thing because I wasn't able to get near him and he went back stage 15 minutes after he came out. Since I wasn't able to get to him I waited for an hour and then went to his dressing room.

"It was funny because he stood there and stared for a sec when he opened the door. I thought it was because he figured out who I was, but he didn't have a clue. So he invites me inside, right? And got a coke for me, but it's the old kind with a metal cap and so he goes and takes it off, but I guess he had our cd, saw it, recognized me, and started shaking. Then he's like 'You're.... You're... Brian." Brian gave a loving little laugh and set up. "It was so cute. Well he got settled down, we talked and then went out to get a bite to eat." Brian summed up the end of the story quickly to get Kevin to leave, but of course, Kevin didn't leave.

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Stuff. I mean we talked for so long, it's hard to remember about what... Oh ya!" Brian just remembered the tour thing. "Guess what! He might go on tour with us!"

"What?!?" Kevin was shocked by that news.

"He wants to go with us and I want him to go and nobody else is going with us so..." Brian trailed off seeing that Kevin was a little angry that he had invited me on tour with out consulting anybody.

"Brian, I can't believe you did that! You just can't go asking a small time performer to come on tour with us out of thin air." Kevin was angry, but not because of the reason he just gave; he was angry at Brian because he knew Brian would become attached and then have his heart broken. H e couldn't come out and say that, though.

"Small time??? Holy rip Kev, he's been all over the media the last couple of weeks, his album is at the top of the chart and anybody who's anybody was at the premier tonight. I don't know about you, but I sure don't consider that 'small time'." Brian knew he'd have to fight Kevin on this one if he wanted to get his way.

"Okay, so he's not so 'small time,' but that still doesn't give you the right to invite people to go out tour with us, with out talking to us or management first." Kevin said, with a tone that let Brian know he was pissed.

"Kevin calm down. You're ruining this night for me. Listen, his manager is going to call and see if it's even feasible for him to go."

"Okay." Kevin was under control now." Brian I just don't want to see you getting hurt. That's all. You don't know this guy that well and he's not even gay so there's no chance for you two. I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Well it doesn't matter if you don't think it's a good idea. It would be beneficial for us and him, if it were to happen. And as for me getting hurt, I can take care of myself. Right now I just want to be with him, even if it only goes far as being friends. " Brian was trying to keep from getting angry and doing a good job.

"Brian, that's all it's ever going to be: Friends. And don't take me for a fool, I know you want to be more than that. He's not gay! Get that through your head!" Kevin said meanly.

The anger was building up in Brian and he just let it explode in one big burst. "And how do you know!?! How in the world do you explain what happened when he was on sta--"

"It was your IMAGINATION!" Kevin said frustrated with Brian

Brian immediately lost confidence as his cousin yelled at him and in a very feeble voice said, "It was not, and anyway he's breaking up with his girlfriend very soon." He started to feel a lump in the back of his throat trying to hold back the tears.

"Okay... It's okay. I'm sorry." Kevin could see Brian's eyes turn glossy and he knew that he probably was too hard on his cousin. "Maybe there's a chance he's gay. But listen to me and listen carefully" Brian looked up and stared Kevin straight in the eyes. "I'm not going to keep you from going out and meeting up with him, but you're not allowed to show any attraction for him for the next few weeks..."

"But..." Brian interrupted.

"Not a bit and that's even if your friendship lasts that long." Kevin and the guys had an understood agreement that what Kevin said was the final word, so Brian just nodded his head in submission to Kevin's orders. "If I think he's at all gay and then if he's even interested in you after like two or three weeks, you can tell him yow you feel. If not, then you can't because who know how he'd handle it... whether he'd go to the press or not.

"I'm just doing this to protect you, us and your friendship with him. So don't be mad at me, please don't be mad." Kevin said in a pleading tone.

"Oh I'm not mad. I understand. I won't let him know anything about my feelings. Now if he'd come out and tell me he had feelings for me, well I'd tell him how I feel in a second." Brian wanted to have a little say in his personal affairs.

"That's fine. Just be careful."

"I will. You'll see he's a really nice guy tomorrow at lunch." Brian said getting off the bed and then headed towards the bathroom.

"Lunch?" Kevin asked, confused.

Brian turned around. "I didn't tell you? Well he's coming to the studio tomorrow at twelve."

"Hmm... Good. I wanted to meet him before the show." Kevin said.

"You did?" Brian asked a little shocked.

"Ya. I was going to have us all go early so we could meet him before the show, but that was before I knew you met him and asked him on tour." Kevin said with a little bit of sarcasm.

"You won't be disappointed. He's great." Brian was really glad that Kevin wasn't mad anymore.

"We'll see... Well, night."

"Nite." Brian said and with that Kevin left.

Brian slipped out of his clothes and got into bed. The fact that Kevin wasn't angry anymore and actually kind of compassionate towards him, really comforted Brian and he fell asleep in five minutes. The fact that he was super tired, helped a little bit too. ~~~

The next morning I was awakened by the annoying phone beside my bed at 6:00. I picked it up and said hello.

"Good morning sweetie. Just wanted to make sure you were up." It was Cass.

"Oh okay. Now I'm up." I yawned.

"Great. I'll be over in a hour, make sure you're ready."

"Alright. I'll be ready." I said.

"Good. Well I'm going to get off the phone now. See you later, hun."

"Bye Cass." I hung up the phone and got out of bed. I went in the kitchen and turned the Tv on to MTV. They were playing a little clip of my interview.

"So Crist, what celebrities did you meet tonight?" Heather asked.

"To tell you the truth, I really can't remember." Was my answer and then they cut to Kurt Loder.

"To see what Christian Williamson did remember, you can catch a special edition of MTV News 1515 Thursday Night at 7:30. I'm Kurt Loder, and this is MTV News."

I turned the tv to the Today show cause I didn't want to hear about myself, but to no avail. I swear, those stations all must have been programmed to show the entertainment part right after one another.

"In entertainment news, Christian Williamson starred in last night's Broadway Premier of 'Martin Guerre.' One critic who caught the show said 'I've never seen such conviction of emotion in one character, as Christian Williamson put into his.' Another said, 'Christian Williamson could have been one of the auxiliary cast and still would have been the star. He portrayed Arnaud as if it were himself in the story.'

"This new singing sensation will be joining us Friday and performing his latest single 'What you are (is what I need)' So make sure to turn in for that. In other entertainment news..." I turned the TV down.

This appearance on the Today show was news to me. Apparently Cass forgot to tell me about it during last night's phone call.

I took a shower and got dressed. By the time I was done, Cass was there and waiting outside in the limo. I went out and got in the car.

"Morning Cass" I said shutting the door.

"Good Morning." She replied very chiperly.

"What are you so upbeat about for?" I asked.

"What isn't there to be upbeat for? Everything is going so good for you and me."

"And you?" I asked in a gossipy tone.

"Yep. Not only is my business life going well, because of you, of course, but my love life is going good. Wes, that's his name, is so wonderful. He called me this morning, and he was so sweet. I really like him, I'm so glad I found him."

"I wish I could say the same thing about my love life..." I said sadly.

She tried to comfort me. "Oh don't worry hun. You'll find the right person, who knows, maybe this Brian will be him."

"I wish, but to tell you the truth Cass, I don't think anything will ever happen with him. I thought about it and I've came up with the conclusion that last night was a fluke. He definitely is the sensitive type, and that's probably why he was so involved in the play last night."

"So you're giving up then?" she asked a little angry.

"I don't know. I don't want to get all my hopes up for him, only to be hurt, you know? I mean I'm definitely going to try to spend as much time with him as I can because I love being around him."

"What ever makes you happy hun, just know that your special someone is waiting out there for you." She said smiling in a motherly way.

I sighed at the thought. "I know, I know."

"Now getting back to the business part..."

"Do you mind if we don't talk about work, till we get to the restaurant?" I really didn't

want to think about work till I had to.

"Sure. Oh ya, one thing though. Did you hear about the Today show? I forgot to tell you last night." She asked cringing a little, hoping I wouldn't yell at her.

"Ya. I found out when I was watching and they said I'd be on Friday. I was a little shocked, but I figured you had set it up and just forgot to tell me."

"There's probably other stuff I have to tell you, but can't remember because of how excited I am over the big stuff." She said

"Well if we're going to talk about work, I've got to tell you something." I said to her, trying to keep my excitement in.

"What's that?"

"Brian asked me something last night while we were talking."

"I'm sure it wasn't to go out with him, so what was it?" She asked jokingly.

"Well he said I should go on tour with them." I said trying not to get to excited.

Her jaw dropped to the ground. "Are you serious??? My sweet lord, imagine the extra publicity. Well do you want to go with them?" She was excited as I was.

"Cass, this is me, Crist you're talking to. Of course I want to. But you have to call their management department. I think it's The Firm. I'm not sure, but call there a.s.a.p. And see if it's feasible." I told her.

"I will! This is great." She seemed to be thinking in her head about all the possibilities, but when she looked back at me, she asked what I was thinking about. I guess I had one of those glazed looks on my face.

"Oh I was just thinking about spending all that time with Brian." I hated torturing myself like that, but I couldn't help it.

"Crist, sweetie, I don't mean to be so negative, but you get that starry-eyed look when you mention him, and It worries me. Chances are, he is straight, and do you think you could be around him that long and not ruin your friendship because of your crush?"

She had a good point, and I had to think about it for a sec. "I hope so. Maybe you're right. If I accidentally tried something, and then he got disgusted at the fact that I'm gay, and infatuated with him, I'd be crushed. I..."

"Listen to me Crist, any 'friend' of yours that would get disgusted with you being gay, isn't a true friend. So if you think he would react badly to you being gay, don't hang out with him."

"I don't see how he could react badly. I mean I only met him last night, but he's a really sweet person, I couldn't imagine him being mean or hurtful, and he has to work around gay people all the time, so he's probably used to it. I mean most of their male fan base, is gay. And if he had a problem with it before he got in the group, he'd surely have to be over it by now." I was actually trying to reason this out in my mind as I was telling Cass.

"Well take it slow hunny, you don't have to tell him anything. If your friendship develops over time, I'm sure you telling him you're gay will come naturally. So do feel pressured to say anything."

"I won't. And cass?"

"What sweetie?"

"Thanks... I know I told you that last night, but you're really a good friend, and I'm glad that I know you." I was sincere. She somehow made me feel better, and I really needed that.

"I'm glad that I know you too..." She smiled really big. "Because here are the papers for your record deal. You just need to sign them. I've combed through to make sure everything is okay."

I looked through them. There were two contracts. One for the MTV awards and the other being the record deal. I skimmed through both and eagerly signed them. I handed the papers back and she smiled.

"You know that what you just did will make you one of the biggest stars out there." She said.

"You mean signing the record contract?" I was a little confused.

"Yep. It's official now. Everybody's signature is there. I got the papers at 5:00 this morning. You know it amazes me that they'd take a big risk like this. I mean you've released only two songs. And the first one was a total flop! Heck no one even remembers it! I'm just so excited Crist. This really is your big break."

"Cass, if I believed in God, I'd be thanking him right now, but I don't, so I won't. But I mean you are forgetting that I have a record out now that's doing very well, and plus this musical

thing..." I reminded her.

"You're right, but this is different. There are so many more little perks in this contract for you, and the touring section is one you'd probably be interested in. Especially if you go out with the Backstreet Boys."

"Hmm... Well I wouldn't be touring for that album with them would I?" I asked, knowing the answer would be 'no'.

"Well probably not, but you'll definitely be touring or doing some mixed tour, with other artists..."

"Whatever. I just can't wait to tell Jes and Brian and..." I was cut off by Cass.

"That reminds me.. You've got to listen carefully to what I'm going to tell you and follow it to a 't' okay?" She said getting serious all of a sudden.

"Umm... sure..." I started to worry about what she was going to say.

"Okay. Today when you're at lunch, you have to do a couple of things."

"What?" I asked.

"Now I told you, that if you think they can't handle the fact of you being gay, then you shouldn't hang around them, but for today don't have any gay body language. None at all. We don't want to scare them off. Later when you get to know them, you can do what you want, but for now, play it straight. I watched a couple of old interviews and there were lots of questionable gestures. You can't do any of those today. Even if Brian is gay, we can't know for sure, so just assume they are all homophobes. Chances are two of them are gay and the rest aren't homophobes, but we can't take that chance with the touring thing."

"Ya, I know." I sighed at the thought. I knew that's how I had to play it, but I wished that I could have been myself. I mean I didn't act too gay when I was myself, but there were some fishy things that I did.

"Two more... don't bring up the touring thing. If someone asks you about it then you can talk about it, but not otherwise. And even though this record deal is final now, don't say a word! To anybody! Jive wants to make a big deal out of it, when they announce it, but if gets leaked to the press than that could ruin those plans."

"Okay, okay. I get it. No gay gestures, no bringing up the touring thing and nothing about the record deal. Got it."

"Good. Hey, look we're at the diner. Let's go." With that she opened the door and got out. I walked with her into that diner or coffee shop Brian and I were at the night before.

We picked out a table and sat down. A waitress came by and took our order. Cass got an omelet and sausage. I got scrambled eggs and bacon. Cass started to tell me about all the people she met. I swear she talked for ten minutes about three people! Then she got talking about the record deal. That got my attention quickly. She told me that the exec from Jive, was so moved that he could barely talk, but according to Cass he sure didn't find trouble in finding the words to tell her he wanted to sing me to a contract.

Our food came, but that didn't stop her from going on. She kept reiterating how badly she felt for not getting to talk to everyone there and that her schedule was booked for the next week, so any plans we had, were out. I don't think we had any plans, but if we did, well we didn't anymore.

Once she got done talking, she finally asked who I saw and met. "I really didn't get to meet many people. There was a whole group around me, but I'd get talking to one person, and then would ignore the others."

"Well who were the people you did talk to?" She asked.

"To tell you the truth cass, I don't know. I really don't. I can't remember. The only people I remember talking to after the show were You, Heather, and Brian."

"You didn't get any phone numbers?" She was a little frustrated that I couldn't remember.

"No. Not a one. No one gave me theirs." I said to her.

"Oh well." She let out a little sigh. "Try to get some contacts tonight. There should be a good celeb turnout tonight. Last night there were more execs than celebs, but tonight it should be the opposite. So make some new friends and have fun."

"Brian's going to be there, I doubt I'll be able to get my mind off him." I smiled at her, and she just rolled her eyes. "And by the way, I always have fun, it's just meeting people that's the hard part."

"You need to be more assertive. You sure are assertive on stage, so just be that way in real life."

"Easier said than done. Oh hey, what's my schedule for the rest of the week?" I asked.

"Hold on one sec, let me get my planner out." She reached in her purse and got it. She opened it to the calendar section and started to read some dates off.

"The only thing today is your lunch with the Backstreet Boys and MG tonight. Tomorrow we're having breakfast and then you go to NBC for Rosie. After that we're going over to Jive. That should take till two. Then you have shows at 4:00 and 7:00" She took a big breath and started again. "After the seven show you're going to have dinner with your parents.

"For Thursday, you have The View. Now I have no idea where that's taped. If it's in CA, it'll have to be a satellite interview. If it's here in New York, well you'll just go. Then you've got an ET interview and then Conan's show." She took a gasp of air. "And then you've got MG. After that I want you to go straight home and go to bed. We'll have breakfast Friday morning, but after the Today Show. Then you go to some recording studio for the MG cd. That'll be till 3:00, then you go to the theatre, and do two performances.

"Saturday... Forget about Saturday. You've got MG shows all day. And finally Sunday. Ah yes, Sunday. You're free day. You're understudy is going to take the shows on Sunday. Now listen, I want you to stay in all Sunday. You're going to have to catch up on your sleep, NO going out. If you need something, call in for it. Okay?"

"Ya. Sure. I have a question though."

"What's that?" She asked.

"Are we still on for Breakfast and the Jive Records thing? I thought you were booked."

"Well definitely the Jive Records meeting and I didn't make appointments when we had breakfast, so ya, those are still on." She said smiling.

"Good, but wow! I'm not going to have any free time till Sunday and that's sucks."

"I know, but from Sunday on, you're schedule's a lot more open. I'm not scheduling any interviews on your days off, so those days are completely open."

"Oh, that's great. I probably will need those days to sleep." I said.

"Yes, you will." She yawned for a second. "Oh, I guess I'm sleepier than I thought. I forgot to mention you're coming over to my office after breakfast here today."

"Why?" I asked.

"Cause I have to explain some things about the record deal so you know what you're doing at Jive." She said.

"Sure. So what exactly is this meeting about?" She hadn't told me yet, so of course I was curious.

"Well they're going to introduce you to everybody and then we and a couple of the executives, I'm not sure who, are going to get the ball rolling for your next album. Like writers, royalties, and promotional stuff needs to start being organized."

"Which... Hold on... Cass, am I missing something here or is this a little early? I mean come on, I've still got a while before I should even have to worry about my next album." I really didn't want to start another album yet considering how busy I am and all the work that goes into making a record.

"Well it's going to take time to get all the things discussed and into play, but they really want his album to be superb and moving. Trust me though, you won't have to worry about starting the actual record for at least a year." She said.

"If you say so. I just don't want to have to deal with it full time right now."

"Oh don't worry, you won't have to." She looked down at her watch. "Well I guess it is time we get going. It's 9:00 already."

"Jeez. Okay, let's go." Both of us put money on the table to cover the bill and then left. We went to her office. She had just moved into a new building. I guess she was able to afford it because of my success.

We went through the record deal contract. I was amazed at how great the whole thing was. It was almost as if it was too good to be true. She read through the different sections and explained each one individually to me and with each one I got more excited. After that I actually wanted to start the record. I was really hyped about it.

Then we went through the MTV contract really quickly compared to the record deal contract. Basically all the MTV contract said was that I had to sing at the awards, whether I wanted to or not, whether they wanted me to or not, and whether I was popular or not. That was kind of cool, but scary at the same time.

By the time we were done with both contracts it was eleven, so I went home got ready to go and meet the Backstreet Boys for lunch. ~~~

It was 7:03 when Brian rubbed his eyes after waking up. The sun was pouring in his room as he laid there, just staring out the big picture window. Everything was so peaceful. The sun was shining in that warm morning orange glow, the sky was a beautiful, vibrant blue and the view of the city was spectacular. There was no sound of the traffic and noise outside, just quiet. It really made him stop and think about all that was going on and how lucky he really was. Then his mind wondered to what might happen the next 24 hours.

He started with lunch. 'Maybe he'll pull me aside and tell me he's gay and that he want me or maybe we'll get caught in a stare again. God! Why didn't I tell him how I felt when he sang that song last night, when I was out with him. There's no way that he didn't feel something. We 'connected' I know it, I felt it. I still feel it... That's it! He'll say something about how he lost his concentration last night because of me. Then he'll say we were made for each other.' Brian took a pause from thinking, just to wallow in that thought, then came back to reality. 'Ya, right. That'll never happen. Oh god, why do I let myself get such high hopes? He's never going to say that he wants me or talk about last night. Maybe last night's performance was just a fluke, maybe he forgot his lines for a sec and just got fixed on me while remembering them... No... It was more than that.' He let out a little whimper because this was just so draining on him. 'Why me??

'I have to know how he felt last night, but I can't say anything cause Kev'll kill me. Hopefully Chris will say something about it and hopefully he'll say he felt the same way I did.

'Could you imagine what could happen after that if he showed any interest in me?' His mind started to race through a million different scenarios, but was interrupted by his wake up call. After he hung up, he got up out of bed as he spoke aloud to himself. "Oh Chris, If I could only tell you how I felt. We'd be perfect together." He let out a desperate sigh and headed for the shower.

He got undressed and turned on the shower. He stepped in and stood there, letting the warm water run over him. He felt so relaxed and leaned up against the wall. His mind started wonder again. He kept going back and forth about whether what happened during the performance the night before, was real. He couldn't let it rest, he wanted it to be true, but there was always that seed of doubt that wouldn't leave his mind.

All this thinking tired him out and he actually started to doze off. He caught himself sliding down the wall and immediately turned the water colder so it wouldn't happen again. He washed up and got out very shortly after. He dried off and then went to get dressed . He was

just getting his shirt over his head when Kevin knocked at the door.

"Brian, You're up right?" He asked loudly.

"Ya come on it."

Kevin opened the door and pretended to gasp for air. "Holy Lord! It feels like a sauna in here!"

"Sorry about that. I was in the shower for too long and fell asleep." Brian answered shyly.

"You fell asleep???" You have problems..." Kevin sat down at the table. "Anyways, you ready to go?"

"I have to eat breakfast and then I'll be ready." Brian said coming out to the table.

"You mind if I join you? I haven't had anything to eat this morning."

"No, not at all. Actually I wanted to talk to you about something." Brian walked over to the telephone.

Kevin got a little suspicious. "Oh. What?"

"Hold on, what do you want for breakfast?"

"Eggs and Bacon." Kevin replied.

"Okay." Brian picked up the phone and dialed up room service. He ordered what Kevin wanted and then something for himself. They told him it would be 10 minutes.

He hung up and sat down across from Kevin.

"They said it'd be about 10 minutes."

"Good, so what did you want to talk to me about? " Kevin asked.

"Well... about lunch today.." Brian was looking at the floor trying to avoid any eye contact with Kevin. "Are you sure I can't give him any clues or anything that'll make him think that I like him?" He asked lowly.

"Brian, we went over this. Not today. You just met the guy. If he's not straight and does have an interest in you, he's not going to let you go easily. Let him make the 1st move. It's safer that way." Kevin was a lot more compassionate than the night before. He had spent the whole night and morning thinking about the situation and put himself in Brian's shoes. That when it hit home for him, how lonely Brian felt. He felt sorry for him. He knew that Brian was probably going through a lot and didn't want to upset him at all.

"I have another question..." Brian said realizing Kevin's change in attitude.

"What's that?"

"We probably shouldn't mention the tour, huh?""

"Not until we can talk with the other guys and tell them what you did." Kevin replied

"You don't think they'll be mad about me asking him do you?"

"I doubt it, considering that he's popular and that they don't know you're gay and looking for a love interest."

"Kevin, please lay off. I need someone, I need a close friend. That's what I'm looking for." Brian said emphasizing his "That's what I'm looking for."

"Don't expect me to believe that. I know you too well. Hey listen, I'm not condemning you. I'd probably be doing the same think if I were in your shoes. You know you don't have to lie about stuff like this." Kevin was very sincere.

"That's not how you made it sound last night." Brian whimpered realizing that he could trust Kevin.

"I spent all of last night thinking about what I said and how harsh I was and how I'd fell if I were you. It really changed my attitude towards this whole deal.

"But I'm sticking with my decision on you not letting him know you're gay."

"I know... I know..." Brian said sighing.

"Now be honest with me, what do you really want?"

"I want somebody... I want to feel loved..." He took a moment to think. "and I want to return that love. I'm complete in almost everything. I've got friends, family, and a wonderful career, but I don't have love, and Kev with out that, regardless of everything else, I..." The tears started to well up in his eyes, as his words struck the cords of his true feelings, "I feel empty."

"Why all of this wanting love all of a sudden?"

"After what I felt last night during that play, I didn't want to be with out that feeling. I listen to the words of 'All I know' and I realize what I'm missing, what's making me feel incomplete with out it... Love.

"I was able to get a little glimpse of love when I was with Nick, and that was great, but when my eyes met Crist's last night during the show, I can honestly say for the first time in my life," Brian took a deep breath. " I felt what true love was."

"And you think Crist is the one who is going to love you?" Kevin asked feeling sorry for how depressed Brian was. Brian hesitated, still feeling a little uncertain as whether to spill out totally or not. "Come on, tell me Bri, I'm not going to get mad. I really want to know."

Brian let out a big sigh and then started to answer Kevin. "I do, I think he'll be the one. I know I've only met him once, but there was something between us that I don't have with other people. It's almost as if we were made for each other. Wait.... We were made for each other. Kev, I want him to be the one." Brian said in a tone like he was asking Kevin if he would allow it." Kev, he's got to be the one. If he's not, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want any body else. Dear god, what if he's straight?" Brian's mind started to race and he got frantic. "I don't want to go on feeling like this Kev." Brian started to bawl. He never realized how lonely he really felt and it was all too much for him. Kevin stood up and went over to Brian. He embraced Brian in a big comforting hug. "Oh Kev, what am I going to do? If this doesn't work out with him, I may kill myself."

Kevin pulled back and looked at Brian in the face very seriously. "Don't talk like that. You can't do this to yourself. You don't know whether he's gay or not and there's no sense in thinking about it until you know for certain or not."

"Kev, I don't care if he's gay. I just want to be near him. I need him. I don't need sex, just him."

Kevin paused for a sec thinking about what Brian just said. "Brian if he really means that much to you, I don't mind if he tours with us."

Brian gave Kevin the huge hug this time. "Oh Kev, you don't know how much that means to me." Brian started to cry again.

"Trust me, I do. And if you show how much it means to you anymore, I won't be able to breathe." Kevin said hinting for Brian to loosen up.

Brian gave him one more quick squeeze, then sat back and started to wipe his eyes dry. "Sorry."

Kevin put his arm around Brian's shoulder. "It's okay... Now go clean yourself up, we have to leave soon."

Brian walked to the bathroom and over the sink. He splashed some water on his face and then looked into the mirror. "God, I look bad." And he did. He had rings under his eyes, eyes which were bloodshot, and his whole face in general was droopy. "Hopefully I'll look better by the time Chris comes." He dried his face and went back in the kitchen area. Kevin was waiting for him with his jacket. He handed it to Brian and they left.

They got down to the lobby where the rest of the guys were waiting. AJ noticed that Brian looked drained. "Brian are you okay?"

"Ya, I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep last night." He hated to lie, but he couldn't tell them why he was crying because then they'd ask him what he was crying about and he didn't want to go into that.

"Oh... well make sure you get some sleep tonight."

Brian smiled at AJ's concern "Thanks. I will."

"Okay guys, the limo's in the back, so let's go." Kevin said starting to leave.

They all followed and got in. Once everyone was settled, the car pulled away. No one said anything for awhile. Brian just sat staring out the window. He was too depressed to make any conversation. He had never knew how much he wanted to love until this morning and that's all that was going through his mind.

About five minutes before they arrived, Kevin spoke up. "I forgot to tell you guys, Christian Williamson is coming over for lunch."

"How come?" Nick asked.

"Brian invited him last night."

"Cool. Oh ya, how was the play last night?" Aj jumped in.

"Good." Brian really didn't feel like talking.

"Just good? The morning papers were saying it was great. And you were so excited about going. Did it not live up to your expectations?"

Brian replied in a very flat tone. "It was great. I loved it."

"Is something wrong man?" AJ was worried for Brian cause he knew Brian should've been more enthusiastic in his answer.

"I'm just under the weather." Was his reply.

"Under the weather??? It's gorgeous out!" AJ said rather surprised.

"That's just it. I'm not out enjoying myself. Instead I'm stuck working, being lonely." Brain got this 'Oh Shit!' look on his face cause he said he was lonely. He knew the guys would get suspicious and set something up with him and Leigh-anne, which he didn't want. She was a nice girl and everything, but they rarely ever saw each other, and he never did feel real close to her.

"You and Leigh-Anne having problems?" AJ asked.

Brian panicked for an answer that would stop this questioning. "Umm... we're just... well... I miss her so much."

Everyone got a loving smile on their face, and then AJ jumped in of course with one of his comments. "You probably just miss getting some."

"AJ!" Brian yelled in shock.

"What?" AJ had no clue that he offended Brian.

"Hey guys we're here." Nick said trying to bail AJ out from Brian yelling at him.

They all got out and went in the studio. They were met by a man name Rick. He was one the main engineer for their album. It was his job to make sure everything was perfect. "Hi boys. Guess what, today is going to be an easy day. We'll be done by at least one if not sooner."

They all said their little 'yes''s and 'awesome''s. Then Kevin asked why it was going to be short.

"Well there's a couple of intonation problems on two tracks and I can't remember who it is, I think it's AJ who's messing up really badly in 'I want it that way' near the end. That we definitely have to fix today." Rick said.

"And that's it?" Howie asked.

"For today. Tomorrow you guys are going to be here all day."

They groaned.

"All day What's all day?" Brian asked a little panicky.

"Umm... I'd say from when you get back from Rosie, 'til around seven." Rick replied.

"Shoot." Brian let out.

"Why?" David gave Brian a puzzled look.

"Well I was.." He paused. "Na... never mind."

Rick shrugged. "Sure." Then a little light bulb went off in Rick's head. "Hey you know what? We could to tomorrow's work today if you want."

"No!" Brian yelled

Kevin looked at him strangely and then it clicked for him. "Oh... we have to go see Martin Guerre tonight. We promised him."

"That's fine." Rick was flexible with whatever they wanted. "But you guys can't get out of tomorrow then. Well let's get started." He turned around and motioned for them to come. They all followed and went back to the sound booth. They were back there until about 20 til 12:00. The time passed very slowly for Brian. He had totally forgotten about being semi- depressed and instead was very nervous and anxious about lunch. He fidgeted the whole time they were back there and wasn't singing his best, but no one really noticed. "That's it guys. We're done for today. Three or four more days and you're completely done." Rick said over the speaker, They cheered and then sat there to get any last minute instructions. "You people waiting for Christmas? Go. You're done." He was motioning them out with his hand. "Except Brian. I got to talk to you a second."

"Oh no... You're in trouble now." Nick said sarcastically.

All of them got up, except Brian, and walked down the hall to the rec room.

'I wonder what he wants.' Brian thought to himself. "Kev, if Chris comes, tell him I'll be out in a minute." Brian yelled hoping he'd catch Kevin before he was out of the hall.

"Sure." Kevin shot back.

"Thanks." Brian said. He walked into the control room where Rick was waiting for him. "What's up Rick?"

"Are you okay? You seemed distracted today."

"What do you mean?" Brian asked.

"Well you kept squirming around. You were always looking at your watch and your voice wasn't exactly the greatest today."

"I'm sorry. My mind on other things. I'm fine, really." Brian said tapping his seat and playing with his hands like was nervous, when he was really just anxious.

"See, you're doing it now. What's going on?" Rick was starting to get worried.

"I just want to go to lunch. I'm kind of nervous about seeing Christian again."

"Again? Oh, that's right. You went to MG last night. How was it?" Rick was definitely relieved about Brian.

"It was really, really, really good." Brian replied. He was glad to see that Rick wasn't worried anymore.

"So you got to meet him after the show, did you?" Rick asked, acting like a gossiping woman.

"For you information, I did."

"Oh..." David said with a little lift in his voice. He assumed Brian was gay although Brian never really said anything to him. Rick was always doing little things to let Brian know that he thought Brian was gay and anytime he would, Brian never told Rick to stop it, yet he never egged Rick on. Just like his "Ohh..." that Rick said. It was the kind of "ohh..." that a guy or woman would say with surprise after they just learned their friend spent the night with someone else and Brian didn't say "you're sick. I can't believe you'd think something like that."

He just said "Ya. We went and got coffee and something to eat. He's a cool guy." Totally ignoring Rick's suspicious tone, like Rick never said anything at all.

Rick knew Brian was blowing him off on purpose, so he didn't feel like prying because Brian wanted to go to lunch. "Neat. Well go have a good lunch."

"Thanks. See ya tomorrow." Brian was glad he could finally leave.

"Yep."

"I hope he's not here yet. I want to be the one to greet him first." Brian whispered to himself as he walked rather fast down the hall to the recreation room.

He walked in and saw all the guys sitting around on the couches and watching TV, no one at the table.

"Chris isn't here yet?" Brian asked openly for anyone to answer.

Aj was the one to answer. "Nope. Haven't seen him. Sorry."

"Okay, well I'm going to wait for him out in the lobby. Has anyone ordered the food yet?"

Kevin looked up from the paper he was reading to answer Brian. "No were were going to wait till Crist got here, that way he could get what he wanted."

"Brian pulled a chair out from the table and sat on it backwards with his arms resting on the top of the chair. "Well since you didn't order, you guys just want to go out somewhere instead?"

"Nah. I just want to stay here." Nick said.

"Okay, well I'm going to go and wait for him then."

"Sure." Kevin answered.

Brian got up and went out in the lobby. He sat on one of the couches and picked up a magazine that was on the table in the middle of the room. ~~~

As the limo approached the studio, I looked down at my watch and saw that it was 12:10. I was late. The limo stopped and I got out. I stood there staring at the building, remembering all the good times I had there while recording my album. It felt as if I was home. When I got back to reality I walked in the building and saw Brian sitting there. He looked up and smiled. I could have stood there forever looking at him, but I didn't and returned the smile.

"Where is everybody?" I asked looking around seeing that no one was there except Brian.

"Oh they're all in the rec room waiting to order lunch." He said pointing down the hall.

"They're not mad at all, are they? I was worried they'd be mad that I was late.

"They guys? Why would they be mad?"

"Well I'm a little late." I said with an expression hoping he wouldn't yell at me.

"We just got out a couple of minutes ago, so no one even noticed."

"Good. The last thing I need is them mad at me before I even meet them." I said relieved.

"They wouldn't get mad about something like that and especially over..." He looked at his watch and then looked back up. "...ten minutes. You look nervous."

"I guess I should, cause I am." I said smiling.

"Well I was like that for the whole day. But don't be nervous. They're all really nice, anyway we're your second favorite group. It's not like we're Ace of Base or anything." He had this huge grin on his face.

"Hey! That's not fair." I said trying to defend myself.

"Ya. I know." He laughed a little. "But you said it... Come on, let's go."

He turned around and motioned for me to come. I stood staring at this butt for a second and then caught up to him.

"So you saw the Rosie Interview?" I asked taking a big swallow, of course I didn't know

how he'd react to it.

"Ya. It was good. I don't know how the press took it out of context. You were just having fun." He was so carefree in his response. I was glad he didn't have any resentment about it. "I hate it when the press does that. They know we're both straight and that no one would say that stuff if they were serious."

He was looking at me when he said it, so I gave him a crossed smile cause I was a little disappointed that he said he was straight, but I did share his same frustrations about the press.

"Hey guys, you passed us up." Kevin yelled down the at us. We turned around and saw we passed the door right up and didn't even notice. We just laughed and walked back. Kevin went in. I took a big breath and just as I exhaled Brian pushed me in.

"Guys, this is Christian Williamson." Brian said introducing me. I gave a little wave, and said hi.

Aj stood up and came over to shake my hand. "I'm AJ. It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot of good things about you." He said giving me a very friendly and charming smile. I knew I'd like him that instant.

"Thanks." I said returning the smile.

He moved out of the way and let the other three introduce themselves. Brian stood to my side the whole time. Kevin came up 1st. He seemed friendly, but there was a little bit of concern in his voice. It was barely noticeable, so I just brushed it off. There was a good chance he was normally like that. Next there was Howie. He was normal. Not over friendly, but certainly not cold. I could tell he was probably the quiet one.

Nick was last and totally different from Howie. He seemed very excited and giggly to meet me, like a child getting a new toy. I swear he shook my hand for 30 seconds telling me how much he loved my work and he was so glad to actually meet me in person.

I looked at Brian with an expression that was asking what was up with nick. He rolled his eyes and stared at Nick angrily. Chances were Nick acted like this before and it got on Brian's nerves. I let out a little laugh and looked back to Nick who was still going on.

"... and those clips from Martin Guerre were very good. You have such a wonderful voice. Is there any chance you could sing for us. That'd be really..."

"Okay Nick! Enough!" Brian scolded him. Nick realized what he was doing and apologized. I told him it was fine. He smiled and walked over to the table where the rest of the guys were.

I leaned into Brian and whispered to him. "Is he always like that?"

"No. Just sometimes. He's always a pain when he meets new people." Brian whispered back in disgust. Apparently there was more about it than Brian let on because he seemed angry with Nick.

We walked back to the table and sat down. I sat down beside Kevin and I assumed Brian would sit next to me. It didn't happen Nick almost ran to sit by me and was able to beat Brian to the seat. Brian gave this angry 'You're going to get it.' Glare at Nick, but Nick had no idea what it was for.

"What's your problem, Brian?" Nick asked confused.

Brian shook his head and said "Nothing Nick." He sat down in a seat to my right that was at a 45 degree angle from where I was sitting. AJ sat by Brian and Howie by AJ. Kevin pulled out his cell phone and asked what everyone wanted. Aj and Howie told him first, then Nick said he wanted whatever I was having. I gave him this puzzled look, because I had no idea what he was up to, and he just smiled back.

"Umm... I guess I'll have a breaded Chicken sandwich with Fries." I told Kevin with a bit of uncertainty. I was waiting to see if Nick would say he didn't want what I was having, but he didn't, so Kevin moved on.

"Brian?" Kevin asked looking at Brian. Brian didn't say anything. He just continued to look at the ground. "Brian?!?"

"What?" He looked up and it was as if 10 years were added to his face.

"What's wrong with you? You were fine a minute ago, but you don't look so well now." Kevin asked .

"Nothing. I'm tired and it's been a long morning." Brian looked down again.

"Ya, but..." Kevin insisted to know what was wrong.

Brian looked Kevin directly and angrily in the eye. That was his way of telling Kevin to back off before he exploded.

Kevin got the message. "Well someone didn't get up on the right side of the bed this morning. Okay, what do you want to eat?"

Brian was looking down again and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Fries I guess."

"You never get just fries." Kevin said with a hint of anger in his voice because Brian was being stubborn.

Brian stared at Kevin with a face of death and said, "That's all I want. Okay?"

I had to break up the tension cause I was sure I was causing Brian to stay and eat when he was actually very tired. I didn't want to but I pushed myself back away from the table gently and said "Hey guys, I'm going to go. Obviously Brian needs his sleep and my being here doesn't help matters." I started to stand and Brian shouted. "NO!" He looked as if he was scared.

"I'm sorry Chris. I'm fine. Really. Please stay."

"If you're sure..." He seemed so sad that I couldn't say no.

I could tell he was glad that I was staying cause he looked so much more relaxed and happy. "I'm positive."

"Good, cause I really didn't want to leave." I said sitting back down with a smile on my face.

"Now that, that is settled, do you still want only fries?" Kevin asked.

"I'll take a burger too." Brian got this huge grin on his face and looked directly at me. "A big, greasy burger with everything on it."

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare." I tried to keep from smiling, but couldn't.

"Brian, come on, you know what the doctors said." Kevin said. I don't think he knew why Brian said that, but apparently Kevin thought Brian was serious.

"Ya. But..."

"What did the doc say, if you don't mind my asking?" I had a feeling it had to do with greasy foods and his heart.

"I do!" Brian chimed out not wanting Kevin to tell me.

"Well Brian here eats way to many greasy foods and it's starting to line his arteries and that's especially bad for his heart." The way Kevin said that, I would have sworn Kevin was taking pleasure in telling on his cousin.

"Brian!" I kind of was scolding him, but it was because I didn't know he wasn't allowed to eat fatty foods and there that's all he had the night before. "It's a good think I stopped you from eat..." I stopped myself realizing I might get him in trouble if I told everybody what he ate last night.

"From eating what?" Nick finally got a word in, but he just wanted to cause trouble.

"From eating my fries last night. He ordered a salad and I got a burger and fries. He wanted one of my fries." I looked over at Brian and he was definitely impressed with the speed that I made my excuse in. I smiled and he mouthed "Thank you." I just nodded so I wouldn't draw any more attention to myself.

Kevin picked up the phone from the table and told everyone to be quiet. He dialed the number and ordered our food. We sat there looking at him while he talked and then he put the phone down. Brian told Kevin he forgot about what he wanted instead of the Burger.

"The Caesar salad and Chicken nuggets are for you.

Brian stuck his tongue out and made a gross face. "I would have rather had the cheeseburger."

"Ya and end up in the hospital because of a heart attack." Kevin replied.

"Just one burger please???" Brian might as well have been on his knees, begging.

"No and that's it."

"You're a dick." Brian said under his breathe.

"What?" Kevin was surprised by what Brian said. Brian never made comments like that.

"Nothing." Brian obviously wanted to take it back and he didn't want to get into another battle with Kevin.

"Right " Kevin pretended he didn't hear what Brian said. "So Christian, I hear the play went very well last night." He said turning the conversation to me.

"Ya. It went very well. So good that I got a.." I stopped myself before saying that I got a record deal. "... lot of compliments." That was probably the lamest thing I could have said.

They all looked as if they thought I was crazy, so I had to try to get myself out of it. "I mean I normally don't get a lot of feedback on my performances, so it was kind of neat to hear every one saying good things about it." It was a lame recovery too, but it worked.

"I was watching TV this morning and you were all over the place." Nick said. It was funny because he was talking with so much energy that I thought he would explode soon. "From what I heard, the best part was at the end of act one. All the reviewer people on TV said they hadn't seen 'such emotion' in a performance in all their careers."

I had to laugh to myself at that on cause the reason I sang so well was across from me. I looked at Brian to see if he was smiling too and he wasn't. He raised his eyebrows as if asking me what was up. Either he wasn't paying attention or well I don't know any other reason Nick's comment wouldn't have evoked some response from Brian. I just shrugged and looked back to Nick. I was kind of hurt that Brian didn't even give me a smile, so that I'd have known we were on the same page. Maybe we weren't, maybe he didn't feel what I felt last night.

The reason I as so excited about today was that maybe I'd get to talk to Brian specifically about that scene, but now it seemed like that would never happen, so all that excitement left.

So when I responded to Nick, it was less than half hearted. "Ya I heard that too. It's kind of cool I guess."

"Kind of cool???" That seemed to get Brian into things again. "That's awesome. If I had someone compliment me like that, I'd be telling everybody. I mean..." Just then Brian and Kevin exchanged glances and for some reason Brian stopped.

"Well when you see that the reason you were singing so well was actually false, it makes the feat seem, well... meaning less." I as looking straight at Brian, and taking a low of a shot as possible. I think he did gt the picture a second or two after I said that because he broke the stared and looked down, kind of ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe he did feel it too.

I saw Kevin grinning to himself out of the corner of my eye. He was up to something.

"Kevin, what are you all grins about?" Nick asked noticing Kevin's grin too.

Brian looked over and saw Kevin, and asked him if he could see him in the hall. He was ready to explode. They walked out in the hall and shut the door.

"Please stop this. I mean it's hard enough seeing that I'm disappointing him by not saying anything, but to see you there laughing at the whole situation is too much."Brian said wiping some tears that had started to fall down his face.

Kevin put his hand on Brian's shoulder to comfort him."I'm sorry, I was just happy that you wouldn't say anything. It's for the best, trust me."

"What about Nick? Look at the he's acting. He is definitely hot for him. What if he's able to get him?"

"You let me worry about Nick, but come Brian, you're supposed to be having a good time. Like I said, you don't even know if he's gay or not, so just don't worry about that now."

"Okay. Thanks."Brian gave Kevin a big hug.

"Anytime. You know you can count on me."

Brian pulled back and wiped his eyes. "Ya."

"Good then, let's go back." Kevin said. Brian shook his head in agreement, and they both walked back into the room.

"Brian are you okay?"Nick asked. He seemed really worried.

"I'm fine. Sorry about that." Brian directed at me.

"It's no problem, we all have our bad days." I smiled at him hoping to cheer him up a little. He smiled back and I knew I was successful.

"So I hear you guys are about done w/ your new album. And the single is going to be released next month?" I was really asking anyone willing to answer just to get back to a normal conversation.

Of course Kevin was the one that answered. "Ya, we're really excited about this album. And the single too. Don't tell anyone, but it's going to be 'I want it that way.'"

"Umm, I don't think anyone's going to know what I was talking about even if I did tell them." I had to laugh at the fact he wanted to keep a song that had never been heard before, a secret.

"I guess your right. Well still don't say anything, just incase it isn't. Hey you want to hear a little bit of it?"

All through Kevin and I's conversation Brian and I kept exchanging glances. It was the weirdest thing though. I mean I thought there was an attraction, but anytime I'd try to look at him directly he'd give me this expression that was as if he was asking me what I was doing. Then when I'd look away he would stare right back at me.

"Ya, sure. I mean yes, definitely. That'd be awesome."

"As soon as the..." right then there was a knock on the door and a guy in a uniform came in and set three paper bags in the middle of the table. The bags were all full of food so it had to have been our order. Okay, everyone take what you ordered and no trading food until the end. Kevin of course was joking of course, but with all the commotion that was going on, he very well could have been serious.

We all took our stuff and I laughed when Brian made some screwed up face when he took the salad out. He laughed too.

"Ooo... A great big salad. Just what I wanted." Brian said sarcastically.

Kevin took a bite of his food."No what you wanted was a heart attack, but you can't always get what you want."

"Don't I know it."Brian replied, but he was sad when he said it.

I really didn't want to get into his problems, so I just changed the subject. "What time are you guys planning to come tonight?"

"I think around 6:30. That way we won't be too early, but early enough to avoid the press." Kevin of course was the one to answer.

"Do you know where you're sitting?" I wanted to make sure where to avoid tonight. If I got caught in that stare with Brian again tonight, I might have run off the stage.

"Same place I was." Brain said with a devilish grin. I was beginning to think he did feel something during that song. Maybe he was hoping for the same thing to happen again tonight.

"Now I know where not to look." I said jokingly.

"What do you mean by that?" AJ asked kind of defensively.

"Well I don't know if I was star struck or what last night, but during that scene that everyone was talking about, I was starring at Brian, and I almost forgot my lines. Usually I'm not that easily distracted."

"Of course you would. Your favorite Backstreet Boy was there." AJ said on purpose to make me embarrassed, which he did. I flushed up, and so did Brian. AJ really was enjoying this. "Aw look they're both red. How cute."

"Hey!" Brian and I said in unison.

"I can't help it I'm so cute." Now Brian was turning his embarrassment on me, and taking great pleasure in it also.

"Okay, you guys can stop now." I said to them, but not seriously.

"But it's the truth."AJ replied w/o any hesitation. "You guys are even going out, so you shouldn't be embarrassed."

Brian's grin disappeared in a second, and he looked down at the ground. He looked so sad when AJ said that. Kevin saw Brian's reaction, and told AJ to stop. Kevin knew why Brian had all of a sudden became depressed, but from the expressions on the other guys faces, they were as confused as I.

"Something wrong Brian?" I asked him.

He took a deep breath and looked up. He looked at me for a sec as though he was daydreaming and then said "Naw, I just remembered something when AJ said that."

"You sure are on an emotional roller coaster today, aren't you?" I asked w/ a little bit of grin on my face.

"Ya, like I said, I didn't get much sleep, and I've just had a lot of things on my mind. I'm sorry for being so different from last night."

"It's okay, I've had lots of days like that, and i know exactly how you feel." That was the last thing I said directly to Brian for the rest of lunch cause nick jumped in and after that wouldn't stop talking to me.

"Ya, I've had days like that too. Like the day after I broke up w/ my girlfriend. I had a million things flying around in my head."

"Really?"I asked, not wanting to be rude, but I really didn't care about Nick's 'bad days'."

"Ya. It was awful. She made me realize a lot of things that I had tried to deny in the past. And I just couldn't accept that any of them were true. But ya, I've had lots of bad days."

"Huh." was the only thing I could mutter. I had no idea what else to say, but he sure did.

"Do you have bad days? I'm sure you would, so what were they about?" The rest of our conversation went like that for the next 15 minutes while everyone ate and watched us. I kept glancing at Brian and he looked as if he didn't care that I didn't talk to him. At that point, I was really confused about him. He kept sending mixed signals, so I decided I wasn't going to pursue him. The only thing I thought was that it was silly to think he would be gay. I thought he sometimes sent out gay signals, but I'm sure that gay men take regular signals that straight men send out as something more than what they're intended to be.

Kevin finally broke in our conversation. I also kept glancing at him w/ a "please help me out of this" look. He just grinned when I did that, and sat there basking in my misery. He did finally help though. "Okay Nick. Let up. So Crist you want to hear some of our stuff?"

"Ya, that'd be great."

"Umm can you excuse us for a second Chris?" Brian asked a with what seemed a little bit of anger in his voice. . I immediately got a sick in the stomach feel, and finally realized that he didn't want me there and that's why he was so fickle this morning. I was sure he was going to tell them he didn't want me to hear their material.

"Hey, it's okay. I don't have to hear it. I mean I'm sure you guys are very protective of your music and all that." I wanted out of there. I felt so crushed, so I started to get up. "I guess I should get going. It was nice meeting all of you." I turned around and went for the door almost ready to ball.

"Now wait a sec."Brian said sternly. I turned around and looked at him questionally. "I don't care about you listening to our stuff, I want you to hear it. That's not what I wanted to talk about w/ them. Just go out side the door a sec and trust me you'll like this."He gave me a huge grin, and I knew I couldn't say no.

"Okay." I walked outside the door and waited.

"What do you want Brian?"Kevin asked.

"Do you think we could sing 'I want it that way' for him? I think that would be really nice."Brian said in a whispery voice.

"That'd be cool." AJ said voicing his opinion.

"Sure, I don't see why not."Kevin replied.

"Yes!" Brian let out a little to eagerly. Kevin laughed at it, while the rest of them looked at him like he was crazy. "Hey Chris, get your butt back in here."

I walked in and sat down. "So do you have every thing you needed to discuss, discussed?" I asked.

"Ya" Brian said smiling like he knew something I didn't.

"What?" I said asked of anxiously.

"You'll see." Brian said devishly.

The got up and stood. Brian hummed the first note. He looked at me and started singing.

"I'm yours, completely,

I feel so deeply,

Your my first thought everyday,

And I want it that way." He smiled at me, and I was as confused as ever once again. Was he looking at me because he was being polite, or was he looking at me cause what he was singing was what he felt. I had no idea. I smiled back and then they went into the chorus. It was really good so far. Nick sang and then they went into the chorus again, and that's the way the rest of the song went w/ each of them having a solo and then the chorus. They ended and no one said anything. The were all looking at me waiting in suspense for my reaction.

"It was great! Wow! What's that called?" I was really impressed. It was one of the best songs I had heard in a while.

"I want it that way. It's the one we're releasing first, but not the same version. The radio one is shorter and has totally different words." Brian said still looking me in the eye.

"I'm sure it will be just as good." I smiled back at him.

"Thanks" Kevin replied. They all sat down

The air of nervousness and uncertainty that had been lingering all morning, vanished. We all felt more comfortable with each other now that they had sung. It was cool. I was only hoping that they wouldn't make me sing.

There was an awkward silence though, but only for a sec before I broke it. "You know now, I have to come to one of your concerts. If the rest of the songs are half as good that one, it'll be awesome." I wanted to talk about going on tour with them, but I didn't want to bring it up myself.

Both Brian and Kevin's head shot up, but before they could say anything, Nick started "Oh ya and you could even sing a song there if you wanted. Or maybe come on tour with us for a little. That would.."

"Well actually..." I tried to get in to say that Brian already asked.

Kevin stopped me from continuing. He knew that I was going to bring it up and since he hadn't discussed it with the others yet, he didn't want to put them on the spot.

"Well actually Nick, I'm sure Crist is tied up with MG, so he probably wouldn't be able to."

"Oh I'm sure I could get.." I tried to put my say in again, but like before I was interrupted. It was AJ this time.

"That's a shame. It'd be really cool to have you come with us."

"Ya, really." Howie added.

Brian looked to Kevin. Kevin knew Brian wanted to know if he could tell them about his and my conversation the previous night. Kevin nodded, and Brian knew it was okay.

"Hey guys." He was trying to get everybody's attention. "I kind of already told him he could go with us, since he wanted to anyways." He said in a tone that had a little bit of uncertainty in it, so that the guys would know he was asking for their permission, more then telling them what to do.

They didn't question him at all, instead they turned to me. "You wanted to go with us? No way..." AJ was a little surprised, but happy about it.

"You should go, could you get out of MG to do that?" How asked.

"Oh ya, I'm obligated to be there for the first two weeks, but after that I can leave when ever I need to."

Brian was sitting to next to me now ,and I could see he had a glowing grin the whole conversation.

"We'll have to talk with management then." Kevin replied. "You're fine with this?" He

looked to Brian.

"Ya, why wouldn't I be?" Brian asked a little shocked that Kevin didn't assume it was okay.

"Well you weren't saying anything. I just wanted to make sure."

"Oh, I was just watching for the other's reactions. That's all." Brian said. He turned to me and smiled.

"Well looks like you'll probably be touring then." Brian beamed.

"Wow... I... Can't believe that. I don't know what to say." I couldn't believe that they were all so accepting and on such short notice.

"Just say okay." Brian still was smiling.

"Okay... Hey what are you guys doing until the show?"

They all looked at each other to see if anyone was going to say something, but now one did.

"Doesn't look like anything" Kevin finally said. "Why?"

"Well I was thinking if you guys weren't doing anything we could go to the mall or something. I don't have anything to do until four."

"Ya, I love the Mall, let's go. Kev is that alright?" Brian asked Kevin with begging eyes.

"Fine with me. Guys?" Kevin made the question open to everyone.

"Let's go." AJ said first.

"Ya, I really want to go the mall again, I love that place!" Nick added.

"It's a-okay with me." Howie finished.

"Okay guys if we're going, whe have to get ready" Kevin said, getting up from the table. "Crist do you want to hang out here?"

"Here? How long does it take you guys to get ready?" I was a little perplexed.

"About a half hour." AJ replied as he got up.

"Why so long?" I couldn't believe it took them that much time.

"It's actually not so bad considering the transformation we go through." Brian said still sitting.

"Transformation?" I asked looking for anyone to answer.

"We look like totally different people after we're done getting ready to go out in public. Nick said back.

"You guys just don't go out like this?" I was still confused a bit.

They all started laughing "Ya, right. We'd me mobbed!" AJ said finishing his little giggle fit.

"We could never go out looking normal. I don't want to sound egotistical, but we're known too much." Kevin added.

"I never thought of it. I mean I can do whatever I want right now, and not have to worry about being mobbed." It finally came to me why they couldn't go out. I swear, I'm so dense...

"I remember the days..." AJ trailed off looking up as if he was reminiscing about the past.

"Okay, guys. Come on, if we want to go, let's get ready." Kevin said trying to get everybody moving.

"Chris, you can come w/ me. I'll show you what I have to do to get ready." Brian had a hint of devilness on his face.

I wasn't going to object. "Sure."

"Come on then." Brian pulled me by my arm out the door, and let go when we were in the hallway. "Guys I'll be down here when I'm done" he yelled back. No one said anything. Brian shrugged and we walked down the hall.

"That was really good in there." I said wanting to strike up some conversation.

"What's that?"

"The singing thing." I replied.

"Oh thanks. I thought since I was acting like I had PMS, that would make up for it." He laughed slightly.

"Well i didn't think you were pms'ing, but the song was good. D'you write it?"

"Nope. I did right a couple of other songs though. One's called "The perfect fan." We're dedicating it to our moms. It has a little bit of a gospel feel to it." Brian said. We reached the elevator, and got in. He pressed the button to the 4th floor and I kept up the conversation. "Cool. I'd like to try writing, but it seems like it'd be too much."

"Naw, it's not bad at all. Once you start to see how it's done, it gets easy. You have to get a good simple melody down first, but after that it's easy."

"Well I'll try that on my next album. I need to think about what I want on there." I said.

"Oh really? Don' t you think It's just a little early for that though?"

"Well I mean I already have a deal signed for my next..." 'Shit!' I had just about told him I got that record deal.

"A deal signed for your next what? Album?" He asked a tad alarmed. I looked down at the ground, trying not to answer, but I nodded to let him know I did. "You got a record deal already! That's awesome!" He rushed over from the other side of the elevator and gave me a hug before I even knew what was going on. "Sorry, I get excited a little quickly. But that's great. Who with?"

"Jive. I signed the papers this morning." I wasn't acting to excited. I was worried about what would happen if Cass found out I said anything.

"Don't be to enthusiastic or anything." He said giving me a little nudge on the shoulder.

"Well I wasn't supposed to say anything, and if my agent finds out, she'll probably kill me."

"Oh I won't say anything then." He pretended to zip his mouth and throw away the key.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it." Just then the door to the elevator opened and we walked down the hall to this room that had a make up stand and stuff like that in it. "What's this room? I never saw it when I was here before."

"This is where I get ready to go out. I know it's kind of weird to have a makeup room in a recording studio, but they put it in for us so we could go out, just like now and not get

bothered." He replied.

"Ahh... Okay, so that's why I didn't see it."

"Yep. Here, sit down." he motioned to a chair sitting on the wall.

He went over to the makeup stand and sat down in the chair. "You should see me when I'm done. I actually look kind of funny."

"Really?" I said still looking around the room. I returned my attention to him and asked "So what do you do that makes you look so different?"

"Watch"

He took this bottle that had some comb like thing on the end of it and ran it through his hair. Everywhere he combed his hair got really dark, almost black. He did that to his whole head until the color was even and no more red was showing. "What ya think?"

"How in the world does it do that?" I was astounded by how natural it looked.

"I don't know. They just gave it to me, and it washes right out, but I put a hat on anyway so it doesn't matter. There's more though."

There was a fake mustache laying on the desk. It matched the color of his hair. He put that on, and twitched it cause it tickled his nose. "I hate that this thing. But I hate this part more."

He picked up little pieces of stuff that looked like clay. He stuck them on his face and colored them w/ a read pencil. "Those supposed to be zits?" I asked.

"Uh-huh. A Backstreet boy is supposed to have a perfect complection, so things help question my 'authenticity'. I don't go overboard though." He wrinkled up his nose. "It's gross as it is." He took a look in the mirror to see if everything looked okay. "All I need now is my hat and sunglasses and I'll be ready to go." He checked both sides of his face one more time and then stood up.

"That didn't take half an hour." I said.

"Mine doesn't take long, but I do look different, right?" He raised his eyebrows in question.

"Ya, I wouldn't recognize you." And I probably wouldn't have. He still looked unbelievably cute, with his square jaw and perfect mouth, but he looked totally different. "Do the other guys do basically the same thing?" I asked.

"Basically the same, except for Bone. I'm not sure why it takes him so long, but it does. That's why Kevin said half an hour."He shrugged.

"So what do we do for the next 15 minutes?"

"Wait." He laughed. "I usually go back down to the lobby or over to see what Nick is doing. But we'll just stay here and talk I guess."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Oh, so what did you think about the guys and how they responded to you going on tour. I was blown away, I didn't think they would have been so willing. When ever one of tries to pick up somebody, the rest of us shoot it down." He said sitting back on the vanity chair.

"I don't have words to describe how great it is. But watch with my luck, whenever Cass calls to get plans set up, your The Firm will already have somebody picked out." I laughed a little being sarcastic, but realizing that it would probably end up that way cause anything I wanted rarely ever worked out.

"Na, I don't think they'd go and book somebody without bringing it up with us first. Do you have any idea how long you'd like to stay on?"

"I haven't even thought about that. As long as possible I guess." I couldn't tell him I wanted to stay on tour forever, so that answer sufficed. He did get a grin on his face like as if in his mind he was saying "yes!"

"Well as long as possible is okay with me. I still can't get over the guys though. I don't mean to keep bringing it up, but it's such a change from the usual." He said.

There was a knock on the door and Kevin came in. "You ready? Everybody's waiting."

Brian looked a little perplexed. "Already? What about AJ?"

"He's not going. Amanda called and is going through some 'crisis'" Kevin replied rolling his eyes.

"Okay let's go then." Brian said getting up and motioning w/ his head for me to follow. I got up an we all got in the elevator. When we got to the lobby Nick and Howie were there. Nick had done the same thing Brian had done: different color hair, red though, and a mustache. He was wearing a ball cap and glasses and had another hat and pair of glasses in his hand for Brian. Howie didn't look that different, well to me anyways, but I'm sure since he was probably the most unpopular in the group, not too many people would recognize him anyway.

Nick gave Brian the glasses and hat. Brian stuck them on and asked how he looked. Every one mumbled something like "you look fine." He always asked that, and they just kind of ignored it now.

"Let's go guys, the taxis are outside." Kevin said a little impatient.

"Taxis?" I asked a little shocked that we weren't riding in a limo.

"Ya." Brian said rolling his eyes. "It's so we don't draw any attention to ourselves. I think it's stupid though."

"I'm sure it's for the best. The last thing you guys need is being mulled by a bunch of 13 year old girls." I said jokingly.

"Come on let's move. We've don't have all day." Kevin said even more impatiently than before.

"Okay Dad." Brian said a little annoyed by Kevin's persistence. He started out for the taxis, and we all headed for them too..

"Brian stop it. Okay Brian and Chris in one car. The rest of us in the other." Kevin said. Brian turned around and looked at Kevin questionally wandering what Kevin's motives were.

Kevin just winked, and Brian smiled back as a "thank you."

"Ah, can I go with Brian and Chirs?" Nick asked like a whining baby.

"No!" Both Brian and Kevin snapped back at him.

"Sorry for asking." Nick said getting into the first cab.

"See you there." Kevin said getting into the same car.

Howie waved and got in too. Brian yelled back "bye" and He and I got in the second car. They both pulled away rather quickly, and the driver played that stupid cab tape. We both listed rolling our eyes and everything. When the tape was over I was the first one to say anything. "I hate those things. They're so boring."

"I know." Brian said smiling cause we both thought the same thing.

"So what was with Nick? He sure seemed like he was dying to ride with us."

Brian sighed in a little bit of disgust "Well he's always like that. I mean I meet someone new and he tries to, like, take that person away from me. I love him dearly, you know, like a brother and everything, but I can't stand it when he does that. I don't even know he realizes he's doing it, but he normally succeeds." Brian looked sad when he finished.

"Don't worry, I won't 'turn' on you. Nick seems like a nice guy, but personally not someone I'd get to be close friends with. So there's nothing to get upset about." I said w/ a smile trying to convince him that I was serious.

"Thanks. That means a lot." He was a little happier. An awkward pause followed and then he spoke up. "So where do you want to go first? "

"It doesn't matter to me. Wherever everybody else wants to go. I'm not really looking for anything at the mall."

"Well we'll probably be breaking up into little groups and be meeting later then to grab a quick bit to eat. Chances are it'll be me and you, and possibly nick and then howie and kevin will go together somewhere." He said.

"Okay, ya, so wherever you want to go is fine, although I would like to pick up a some clothes and oh ya, one of those little mini computer thingies. I just remembered that."

"Do you know where they sell one of those "computer thingies"?" he asked laughing a little mocking my choice of words.

"I'm sure there's some electronic's store that sells them." I replied trying to just ignore him making fun of me.

"Okay, Have you ever been to the mall here?" He asked.

"Nope. You know, it's funny. I've been on this island for a couple years now, and I've never been to this mall. I've been to the World Trade Tower mall though."

"You mean you weren't born here?" He asked a little stunned.

"Oh no. I grew up in a little town a couple hours from Pittsburgh. I moved here about 2 years ago, but I was in the city a lot before that. Luckily I graduated when I was seventeen so I was able to finish High School before I did this."

"That's cool, I finished high school right before I did this too. Hey, look we're here." He said pointing to the mall.

We drove around in the parking lot until both cars found spots right beside each other. I thought it was odd that the taxis were going to wait for us, but apparently boys had set it up so that they wouldn't have to wait for a car. It was probably incase they got mugged or something, they'd have a quick get away.

We got out and all packed into the elevator to take us down to the entrance.

"So what's the plan here Kev?" Brian asked.

"We're going to break up into 2 groups and then I guess we'll meet in the food court to get something to eat at about 2:30."

Brian leaned over and whispered in my ear. "See I told you. He's so predictable." I left out a little laugh/snort. Luckily no one noticed except Brian who started to laugh too but kept it in.

"Who wants to go with who?" Kevin asked openly.

"Chris and I are going to go together." Brian said getting a devilish grin on his face. I wish I would've known what was going through his head right then.

"I'm going with them!" Nick shouted anxiously.

"No you're not Nick. You're coming with us." Kevin said sternly starring Nick down so Nick wouldn't argue.

"All right." Nick replied hanging his head low like a disappointed child.

Brian grabbed my arm and we left in a hurry. He was almost to the point of dragging me before we stopped. He wasn't mad or anything, he just looked as if he was in a hurry.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"I just wanted to get away before someone else wanted to go with us. So where do you want to go first?"

Well I was happy that he didn't want anybody intruding on our "time together" But I really didn't care where we went. "Wherever you want to go."

"Alrighty then, let's go to the Gap. And then J. Crew. Ooo... Maybe that Tommy Store, and Oh My Gosh, the Nike Outlet. and then there's the..."

"Wait!" I yelled lightly trying to stop him. "I thought AJ was the one who loved to shop." I had to laugh a little at how excited he was about all these clothing stores.

"I can indulge myself too..." He said grabbing my arm and leading me to the first store.

"Where we going?" I asked.

"Now what was the first place I mentioned?" He asked being a little silly.

"I can't remember. You listed so many." I said still being drug by him. "Aren't you worried about someone seeing you pull me by the arm to a clothing store?"

"Nope. But what's that supposed to mean?" He asked suspiciously, still dragging me, of course.

"I don't know. I just don't want to see any more tabloids saying that you and I are a couple." I was kind of lying and kind of not. I wouldn't mind the tabloids if we were going out, but since we weren't, they would only make matters worse for me.

"Oh... That's what I thought you meant."He let my arm go and looked slightly depressed.

"I mean if you want to grab my arm and drag me around the mall that's okay, I just thought..."

He smiled immediately and grabbed my arm again. "Good. Let's get going then."

I was a little taken by his sudden reaction and surprised at how strong he was for his size, that I almost fell when he pulled me, but luckily I was able to recover my balance. He kept a hold of my arm and we swerved in and out of the crowd going rather quickly. I saw a couple people stare at us strangely, either because they thought we were gay, they knew who we were, or a combination of the two. But we did finally get to the gap store, and right before we went in he let my arm go.

"Isn't that fun? I love to knock people over and all the impolite stuff" he laughed catching his breath.

"Ya, but I'm just glad we didn't get shot. This is New York you know?" I said catching my breath too.

"That makes it all the more fun."He replied. "My, my, aren't we out of shape?" He pointed at my chest and how heavy I was breathing.

"Well look at you. You're not exactly breathing lightly yourself." I pointed back at him.

"I have a heart condition, what's your excuse?"

"Umm... Uh... Oh I hate you!" I said laughing not being able to think of something quickly enough.

"If that's the way you're going to be..."He stormed off imitating a woman with bad PMS.

After a second of watching how stupid he looked, yet admiring his cute butt, I caught up to him.

"What are you looking for in here anyways?" I asked.

"Clothes." He shrugged.

"Well that sure narrows it down for me."

"I don't know what I'm looking for really. If there's something that catches my eye, I buy it." He said effortlessly, going over to a display rack with those wind breakers you can squeeze into a little carrying case. "Like this." He picked one up and draped it across his arm. "Oh, I almost forgot, I want to get a pair of Khaki chords for tomorrow." He grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and started pulling me again. "God you're slow. If you'd keep up I wouldn't have to keep dragging you everywhere."

"What's tomorrow?" I asked not knowing what he was talking about.

"Rosie. You didn't forget did you?"

"Oh ya. This ought to be fun. I don't know if I'm singing something from MG or from my album tomorrow. This'll be interesting." I replied.

"I think we're doing 'All I Have to Give.' just to get some hype up on the album." He said not really getting into the conversation. He was looking at the khakis "You like these ones?"

"Khaki chords are Khaki chords. They look fine. Get 'em." I really didn't care about what kind he got.

"Okay, do you have any idea about a shirt?"

"Don't you have people to do this for you?" I had no idea why he didn't have somebody else look for his clothes.

He put the khakis on the rack and was sorting through the other pairs."Ya, but I like to. It keeps my fashion eye sharp."

"Whatever. You're just goofy." I said kind of silly.

That got his attention. He looked up in thought for a second or two and then said "Ya, I guess I am."

I rolled my eyes at him jokingly. "You done yet?" I asked.

"Ya, I think I'm going to get this pair. So you have any ideas on a shirt yet?"

"You were serious? Umm... I really don't know. Whatever you want would probably look good on you." I meant to stop at "look good" not continue with "on you." 'Shit I can't believe I just said that!' was all that ran through my mind. I tried to play it cool. He caught my slip up and grinned a little, but didn't say anything.

"Well where should I get the shirt?" He said not looking affected by what I just said.

" Once again, I don't know. I think you should go for something simple though. Maybe just a tee shirt w/ another one under that. But then again, I'm awful at fashion." Which I was. I had someone pick my clothes for me most of the time, and always when I was on some tv show.

"Na, you're not bad at fashion. I think I want something that makes my shoulders look big though."

"Okay, well let's get out of here and go somewhere else." I said wanting to leave. I never did like the Gap.

"Alright. Let me get this checked out and we'll stop by the closest store."

We went over to the cash register and he handed this credit card that had the name Richard Ilike on it. I gave him a questioning look and he leaned over to whisper in my ear. "It's just so no one goes ballistic on me."

"Ahh..." I nodded my head in understanding. She gave him the card back and put the pants in the bag.

"Here you go sir. Hey, have I met you before? You look familiar." She asked handing him the bag with a face concentrated on knowing where she saw him before.

He scratched his chin pretending to try to think where he could have met her. "I don't think so. I can't place you. Sorry." He did that so well.

"That's okay, you have a nice day now." She said and gave a nice smile.

Brian smiled back, and my god, I could have fainted. It was to perfect. But then her eyes got so big, and right then I knew we might have trouble. Brian saw it too, and looked over me kind of pleading to help him out.

"Come on Rich, let's go." I started to walk away waving for him to come.

"You mean you're not Brian Littrell?" She asked before he was able to go. I went back to the counter to try and bail him out. "Another one? Jeez, you'd think I'd be the one getting recognized around here, you're just a Pespi delivery guy."

"Wait, what do you mean another one and why would you be the one getting recognized?" She asked a little bit confused by all this.

"Well you're the third person today who's mistaken him for Mr. Littrell. And I'm the singer, you mean you don't know who I am? Good, let's leave it...."

"Oh my god, oh my god" she whispered to herself starting to tremble like I did when I met Brian. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I can't believe I didn't recognize you." She was turning ten different shades of red.

"That's quite alright, I kind of like not being recognized. I just didn't want you screaming like the other two girls did and even worse it was over him and not me." I looked over at Brian and by the look on his face I could tell he was thinking 'Okay, let's see if we can make Brian look any stupider' I let out a little chuckle and then looked back to the girl. "You want an autograph or anything?"

By now she had stopped trembling "That'd be great! Here can you sign this Gap bag?" I'm guessing it was the first thing in sight for her, and that's why she wanted me to sign a bag.

"No problem." I took the bag and marker she gave me, signed the bag, and gave them back. "Here ya go, hey, you want my friend to sign it for fun?"

"Cool, why not?" she said shrugging.

She gave him the bag and he signed it. I looked over his shoulder to see what he wrote "Rich Ilike, a.k.a. Brian Littrell."

She took the bag back and read it. She let out a little giggle and said thanks.

"Yep. It was nice meeting you. Okay Rich, let's go." I said. We both walked out and turned right.

"Thanks, but what was all that about the two girls, and the pepsi deliver guy thing?" he asked.

"Well I don't know... I just made it up. It's what came to mind first."

"Ya, right. You probably had that planned weeks ago incase you needed to get me off the hook." He was being sarcastic of course, but he didn't believe me.

"Oh ya, I was able to look into the future, see that you and I would be at a mall with you and need an excuse to get out of that situation." I played along.

"I knew it. Hey, there's the Nike Outlet, let's go." He started to walk fast. He sure got excited over clothes.

"Okay" Was all I could say before He grabbed my sleeve again.

We went in thee and looked around for about half an hour. The place was awesome, I had never seen so many nike clothes in my life. We really didn't talk much while in there, he was too preoccupied looking for clothes. Our conversations consisted of "do you like this?' "Ya. It's great." Mine answer being the latter, and with as little excitement as possible. I was getting really bored in there. He finally picked out a dirty green bulky sleeveless vest and a black tee shirt. After asking me if I really did like them, he bought them and we left.

"Well I'm done." He said, surprising me a little.

"Already? What about all those stores you wanted to go to?"

"I got what I needed. I'm tired anyways. Let's go get what you want and then we'll head over to the food court." He did seem to be dragging a little now that I noticed.

"Okay, I heard there's a 'The Wiz' around here? I'm sure they'll have that HP 620XL."

"Ohh... I forget where that is. There's a map of the mall right over there." He pointed over to the triangle shaped display board.

We walked over and found where The Wiz was. We went up to the wiz and walked in. It was like heaven for me. I love electronics so I loved that place.

"Let's find a sales rep." I suggest.

"Sure, I'll go get somebody." He walked off, and I just drifted around the store. I made my way over to the cd section and to my surprise there was a whole little section dedicated to me! There was a cardboard display set up that had a huge poster hanging from the ceiling right above it. The display had the behind the scenes video I had done, lots of my cd's, some posters, and 'unofficial book' about me, some tee shirts, and a couple different ball caps. I decided I was going to buy the book, a hat, and a tee shirt. I went over to the cashier and bought them. He didn't even notice that it was me buying my merchandise. I didn't have any of these things yet, so that's why I was getting them. I wanted to put the shirt on before Brian came back so I asked where the bathroom was and he pointed to it. I went in one of the stalls and changed as fast as I could, and went back to the cd section. Five seconds later Brian came by with a salesman and said that he'd been looking all over for me.

"I've been here the whole time." I lied.

"I was just here, and you... Wait, where did you get that shirt, and the cap, where'd that come from?" He asked suspiciously.

"Okay you caught me. I was just here, but I went and bought these and changed in the bathroom. I figured I could promote and have fun at the same time." I pulled my shirt at both sides and out, so he could see it.

"You're so tacky." He chucked slightly. "Anyway, here is the sales guy." He pointed over to the man behind him just standing there waiting for Brian and I to be done.

"Oh sorry about that." I extend my hand out for him to shake it.

"That's quite alright, so how can I help you sir?" He shook my hand and was quite calm. I assume he had no idea who I was or else he just didn't care, but either way he was very poilte.

"Yes, I'd like to buy one of those Windows CE devices. I'm looking at the HP model right now." I told him.

"Right this way." We walked to about 5 isles over and there was one whole side of the isle was dedicated to CE devices. "Here sir, this is HP's newest model." He pointed to the cute little

thing.

"I'll take it." I said kind of hastily.

He looked a bit stunned that I didn't even care to take a look at it, but I knew it was what I wanted. He opened the glass cabinet underneath and pulled out the box that it was in. "Could you come to register 4 in front please?" He asked walking away before I could answer.

Brian and I followed him up, and I bought the thing. I wanted it cause I didn't want a big bulky laptop, but something I could check my email and crap like that with. We walked out and sat down at the bench right outside the store. We both laid back and sighed. Personally I was beat. We weren't in the mall long, but for some reason I seem to get tired quickly when I shop. Brian did too from what I could tell.

After our little yawning session was over I asked him what was next.

"I guess we'll just go up to the food court. It's..." He looked down at his watch "2:00. Do you want to stop somewhere and buy batteries for that thing?" He asked pointing down at my bag.

"Oh ya, I'll probably need those." I said goofily.

"Let's go then." He got up slowly, imitating an old man. I laughed at him and he just smiled that back. I accidentally let my eyes give him an "I want you look." He noticed it too. It was only for a split sec, but he seemed a little different. More reserved. I had been doing so good up until then. I hid my passion really well, and I guess if this was the only slip up so far, I should've be thankful. I got up and we walked back into The Wiz. The sales clerk saw us and made some little joke like "back for more?" I smiled, but Brian kept walking. He was definitely thinking about something. The sales clerk looked at me with a questioning face and I rolled my eyes and shrugged to let him know I didn't know why Brian didn't even crack a smile. Although I did have a pretty good idea.

I got the batteries paid for them, and then we both left and walked up to the food court. He stayed in front of me the whole time, still deep in thought. He didn't grab my arm or anything, just stayed quiet and to himself the whole time 'til we got up there.

I couldn't stand the silence anymore, so while we were looking for a table, I spoke up. "Brian what's wrong? Did I do something?" I knew it had something to do with the flash of "I want you" that was in my eyes. I wanted to see if he'd bring it up.

"No, not at all. I just remembered something. That's all, but I'm better now." He wasn't very convincing. He gave me a tacky smile. "See?"

"Ya whatever." I said sarcastically.

We found an open table after searching to see if anyone else was at another table. I was going to sit on the side of the table opposite of the way we came in and I was the one in front now so I pulled out a chair for Brian on my way to my seat. I was just doing it to be friendly.

"Why thank you." He seemed impressed. He sat down and yawned while I sat there and watched him. He looked over and saw me, and grinned. "So you wanna get that computer ma- thing-a-ma-bobber out?"

"Oh I almost forgot about it." I pulled the box out and opened it. I took off all the plastic and crap, then put the batteries in and set it on the table. "Come over here" I patted the seat right next to me.

He came over "Oh this is so exciting." He said jokingly.

"Hey! Okay, here goes nothing." I pushed the power button and the screen lit up right to the desktop. I clicked around a little bit, not really trying to do anything specific.

"So what did you buy this thing for anyway?" He asked seeing that I was just goofing around w/ it.

"I don't know. I had the money so I decided to buy it. Na, but really i got it so I could check my email when I'm not home and take notes and stuff when I'm out."

"Oh. Okay. Whatever bursts your bubble." He shrugged. "So are you hungry at all?"

"Not really. I mean we ate only two ours ago."

"Well I'm hungry again." Kevin said from behind surprising both Brian and I.

"Hi Kev." We said in Unison.

"So what's this thing?" He asked pointing to the HP.

"Oh some mini computer Chris picked up." Brian replied.

"Cool." Kevin sat down next to me.

"Hey where are Nick and Howie?" I asked.

"They're coming. They wanted to stop by Spencers and I didn't, so I came here."

"There they are!" Brian said noticing them scanning the court for us. Brian waved and they came over.

"Hey guys." Nick said. Everybody mumbled something back. "Well aren't we the energetic group."

"Just tired. Sit down guys." Brian kicked a seat out from the table. "Did you get anything interesting?"

"Na we didn't have time. We saw someone spot us and the lav was right there beside the store so we had to hide in there, and when we got out we came straight here." Howie replied.

"That sucks." I said getting my two cents in.

"Ya, so what are we going to do now?" Nick leaned back in his chair and stretched.

"Oh so who's the tired one now? I don't know what we're going to do. We should just go back to the hotel." Brian said. "You're going to come with us right, Chris?" He had such a pleading look in his eyes that I couldn't have said no if I wanted to.

"Of course."

Brian smiled and got up. "Well let's go then."

Everyone else got up. I gathered my stuff up from the table and we left. Kevin pulled out his cell phone, dialed a number, and asked if the limo was ready. We all looked at him in shock. He put the phone back in his pocket.

"Well Since we're going back to the hotel, we can just use the private entrance. And I don't want to ride in those stinky cabs again."

"Me neither. How long until it is here Kev?" Nick asked.

"It's already here. When we get to the parking garage it'll be there."

We kept walking to the garage Kevin, Howie, and Nick in front and Brian and I falling behind. When we got there the limo was waiting so we all got in and it pulled away.

"You guys are staying at the Plaza right?" I asked breaking the silence.

"Ya, you should see my room it's awesome. We normally don't get to stay in hotel's as nice as this one." Brian said rather anxiously.

"I've been there a couple times. I loved it, but now I have my own apartment, which I adore, so I don't stay at any hotels." Okay my reply sounded as gay as possible. What straight man would say he 'loved' his hotel room, and what straight man would say he 'adored' his apartment. None. Well at least it was a little hint for Brian to pick up on.

"Hmm... Well I'll have to... I mean we'll have to come and see it some time." Brian was blushing.

I didn't want him to feel embarrassed, so I played it off. "Ya, you guys should stop by. Hey why not tomorrow night?" I knew it was kind of weird inviting them over and everything after knowing them for only a couple of hours, but I didn't care.

"Actually we were planning to go out because we weren't going to be able to make it to the show." Kevin said flatly.

"You were planning to come to the show tomorrow too?!? Wow that's cool." I was a shocked that they wanted to see it more than once whenever they hadn't seen it at all yet.

"Well Brian was planning to go. As for the rest of us, we still didn't know." Kevin said smiling. I looked over to see Brian. He was looking down at the floor blushing again. I had to smile at the thought of Brian definitely coming again. "But, he and or we can't go because we have to work until seven or eight. That's why we're going out, but if you want to join us after the show, we can work something out."

Brian looked up and was about to say something but Nick beat him to it. "Oh come on Chris. Please, we'd love to have you."

I looked at Nick weirdly showing him I thought he was wacko for being so eager for me to go. "Um ya, I'd love to go." Then I remembered I had that dinner with my parents. "Ah shit, I can't go. I'm having dinner with my parents after the show. How long are you guys going to be out?"

"Til early in the morning." Howie said grinning.

"You know what, maybe I can go. I'll have dinner with my parents and then meet up with you guys. I'm going to have to cancel 'The View' though." I said almost talking to myself.

"You can reschedule right?" Brian asked concerned.

"Oh ya, it's not a problem. I'll have Cass work something out."I replied carelessly. "Hey look, we're here."

"Great. Aw shit... Look there's a whole load of girls there." Howie said pointing to them.

"Well do you want me to distract them?" I asked. I didn't care if they mobbed me,

actually I kind of liked it. Don't know why though.

"You actually want to put yourself in that?" Brian asked kind of amazed.

"Ya, why not. Let me out." I opened the door and walked over the group of girls in front of the doors. The limo pulled away to the back of the hotel.

"You girls looking for somebody?" I asked trying to get their attention.

"OH MY GOD!!! It's Christian!!!" One girl screamed. They all ran over to me.

"Ooo... ooo... can I have your autograph?" a girl right beside me asked.

"Where are the Backstreet boys?" another asked.

"Why are you here? Are you going to see the Backstreet boys?" someone else yelled out.

I finally had to stop them. "Okay Everybody! Listen, if you all make a nice line, I'll sign what ever you want. And as far as the Backstreet Boys, I don't know them. I'm here to see a friend who's in town."

They settled down and formed a line rather quickly. The first girl had a Backstreet Boys cd, but she wanted me to sign it anyway. Kind of odd because this would become quite a regular thing for me in the future. (*hint, hint. A little bit of foreshadowing going on here.) I signed some blank paper, a girl's stomach, and another's forehead! And I also signed some other stuff. That took about half an hour, and as they got up to me they kept asking "can you get me up to the boys." and I'd have to say "I didn't even know they were here. Sorry." Well about after half an hour of signing they were content and I went into the hotel, aided by security, and up to the boy's rooms. I didn't know whose was who's so I knocked on one. The door opened, and Brian stood there with a big grin on his face.

"Hey Brian. I guess I got the right room." I said feeling a little awkward being in the hall.

"Ya, come on in." He nodded for me to come in.

I walked in and was amazed. His room was a lot nicer than anything I had stayed in while I was there before. "Wow! This is spectacular. You sure are lucky to stay at a place like this." I said still in awe by the room.

"I absolutely love it. Here look at this." He grabbed my arm like he did in the mall and dragged me to the bathroom.

"Ooo... a hot tub. I love them things." I said seeing that that was what he wanted to show me.

"Ya, you'll have to bring Jes... Umm... I mean well you can come over sometime if you want." He shyly said.

"Well speaking of Jes, she called last night." 'God I can't believe I'm going to do this.' I thought to myself before I lied that Jes and I made up.

"And? Did you tell her you wanted out?" He asked rather intensely.

"Actually we're fine now. I can't believe how stupid I was thinking of breaking up with her."

Brian immediately looked depressed and stared at the floor. "Oh." was all it seemed that he could say. "I'm glad for you guys. I guess Kevin wants to see you. He told me to tell you that." Brian said still looking at the floor.

My mind started racing.'Oh no, what did I do? Why in the world did I do that? What was I thinking? Look at him, look what you did to him. Wait, that means that he's gay. No he can't be. Why can't he be? He can be gay, just look. He's devastated that you made up with your girl. Shit, crist just leave. You've done enough.'

"Okay, I'll go see him now." I felt about as crushed as Brian looked.

He didn't say anything. I just turned around and walked out of his room ready to bawl.

Brian flopped himself face down on his bed and started to cry. He reached over to his night stand and opened the top drawer. He pulled out his journal and reached up to pull the string to turn on the light on top of the stand. The light came on and he sat up putting the journal in his lap and grabbed the pencil right under the lamp.

He started to write "Dear Journal, I know I don't normally write until the end of the day, but right now I don't know what else to do. I feel so desperate. I just had the most perfect day with Chris, up until now. He told me that he and his girlfriend were back together. It felt like a stab through the heart to me. I know he's not mine, but it hurts so bad. I need somebody and Chris is so perfect. I can't find anything wrong with him, not that I'd want to, but there isn't anything bad about him. When I'm with him I feel so open and free and like the rest of the world could fall to hell and I wouldn't care because I was with him. Is there any chance he could feel the same? I mean I'd swear he keeps giving me looks, but I could just be interpreting them wrong. But then what about last night? He felt something. He even hinted at it this afternoon during lunch. And oh my god, I felt like shit when he said he felt the feeling wasn't returned." Brian started to tear up. "He kept looking at me to see my reaction and I acted as if I had no idea why he kept looking over. Why did I do that? Now he probably thinks I don't like him. Why am I so stupid? Wait there's tonight, when he's up there, I'm going to make sure the same magic that happened last night happens again. What do I do till then? Should I just keep acting like I am, not giving him any hints? I don't know. Brian stop. You don't even know if he's gay! Don't do this to yourself. Just take him as a friend. If you do that, then you'll always be close to him and he won't run away if you tell him you're gay, because you're not going to. That's it. We'll be friends, nothing else. It can't be anything else. It's forbidden." Brian closed the journal and wiped the tears from his eyes. He had just sealed what he wanted to be with me.

He got up off the bed and went in the bathroom. He took the mustache off and the fake zits and turned the shower on. He got undressed and stepped in. He let the steamy water caress his drained body. He began to think 'Chris, it can't be. I want you, but it won't work. What am I going to do then? Do I say I don't want to go on tour with him? He may not be in love with me, but that would surely hurt him. Look how he reacted when I asked him to excuse the table for a sec. He seemed like he was ready to break out in tears. But I don't think i can be around him for very long without falling for him. BRIAN STOP!!! listen to yourself. Just stop thinking about him. If a relationship is meant to be, it'll happen, if it isn't then it won't happen." He stopped himself from going on one of his emotional trips again and actually started to pray "God if you're listening, please show me what I'm supposed to do. I know it says homosexuality is evil in the Bible, but is love? If love exists why does it have to be only between a man and a woman? Just please, I'm begging you, let me know what to do. I don't want to set myself up to fall. And thank you for the wonderful day, I truly enjoyed it. I hope Chris did too. Amen." Brian opened his eyes and stared at the wall in front of him. He felt as if something heavy had been lifted off his shoulders, and he felt confident. He didn't fear what would happen with me, he only felt peace. He finished showering, rinsing the dye out of his hair, and washing the rest of him self. He turned the shower off and stepped out reaching for a towel, his eyes still shut from all the water on his face. His arm was about half extended when his hand brushed up against a towel.

"That's odd. I don't remember the towels normally being this close." He said to himself grabbing the towel.

"That's because they're not normally this close." Nick said standing there watching Brian rub his eyes with the towel.

Brian jumped when he heard Nick's voice. "Nick! What are you doing in here? Get out!" Brain yelled stunned by Nick's presence. He wrapped the towel around himself so to stop Nick's staring.

"Now come on. I've seen you naked before, why's this any different." Nick replied trying to coax Brian into letting him stay.

"Because we were going out then. Now please wait outside." Brian was angered that Nick was still there.

"Okay jeez." Nick said disappointedly. He turned around and left the bathroom closing the door on his way out.

Brian dried himself quickly and wrapped the towel around his hips. He walked out of the bathroom to find Nick still in his room. Nick was on the bed watching tv. He looked over and saw Brian standing there.

"Did anyone tell you, you're sexy when you're almost naked?" Nick asked goofily.

"All the time" Brian retorted. "Now why are you in here?"

Nick sat up on the bed "Well Crist came over to my room thinking it was Kevin's. He looked really sad and I asked him what was wrong. He said you seemed really down and that maybe I should come over and see what's wrong. I asked him what happened that you were so depressed. He said that he told you he and his girlfriend got back together and then you got really quiet and told him Kevin wanted to talk to him.

"Now what's up? Why the sudden mood change?" Nick asked knowing what it was. "Oh... I know. You like Crist and when he told you about him and his girlfriend, it hurt you. Brian I didn't think you would be so foolish as to fall for him, but I guess I was wrong. He is cute, but that's besides the point." Nick said.

"Nick please, I'm over it. I just had a little break down, but I'm okay now. I've realized that no matter if I like him or not, I can't change the future. If we're supposed to be together, we will be. So I'm just going to enjoy this time, and get to know Chris better. I'm fine, this time I'm not lying. I really do feel good about this whole situation."

"You know, I believe you. That's a first, isn't it?" Nick asked laughing half heartedly.

"I think it is." Brian said laughing a litte himself. "Okay, let me get dressed and then we'll go down to Kevin's room. That is where Chris is, right?"

"Yep. Well hurry up then."Nick relied.

Brian went into the walk in closet and picked out an outfit.

"This okay Nick?" He asked hanging the outfit in the doorway.

Nick scanned the outfit. "Looks fine to me."

"Good." Brian went into the bathroom with his clothes. He put them on , combed his hair, and went back out into the main room. "Do I look alright?"

"You always look alright." Nick said slyly.

Brian blushed. "Thanks. Let's go."

They walked down the hall to Kevin's room and went in.

I immediately smiled seeing Brian. "Hey guys. You okay Brian?" I asked.

"Yep. I'm fine." He replied chirpily. He did look a lot better.

"That's good. You sure looked blue back in your room."

"Well I'm alright now. I just had some things on my mind. That's all." He was still standing.

I was sitting on the love seat with no one else. "Brian sit down." I patted the seat. He smiled and sat down.

"Thanks. So you nervous about tonight?" He asked trying to stir up some conversation with me.

"Not really. I mean tonight is big, but not as big as last night, so I should be okay. Well I don't know. With you guys being there, I may get nervous." I said jokingly.

"Now come on. You know us now, you won't get nervous." Kevin replied.

"Ya I know, I was just..." I was interrupted by my cell phone. I pulled it out of my pocket, pressed send and said "Hello?"

"Oh good. Sweetie, this is Cass. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a hold of you till after the show."

"Hi Cass." I covered the phone and lipped "my agent" to the guys. Kevin got up and motioned for the rest of them to follow. I shook my head no, so they wouldn't leave. "What's up?"

"Well I hope you didn't have plans for tonight. You don't do you?" She asked.

"Kind of. I was planning to take the guys out to eat after the show." I told her. Then I realized I didn't tell the guys that I was planning to take them out. Brian looked at me quizzically. . And asked lightly "You were?"

"Hold on one sec cass." I covered up the mouth piece. "I guess I forgot to tell you that. Would you guys like to go eat after the show? I mean that's if you're not doing anything."

"We'd love to." Brian said before any one could object. I looked at Kevin and Nick. Both of them shrugged like "sure, why not?"

"Cool." I took my hand off the mic. "Cass?"

"Ya?"

"Just making sure you were still there, that's all." I replied.

"I'm still here. Now getting back to the matter at hand, you're having dinner with the boys?" She asked.

"Looks that way." I said smiling.

"Well your parents are coming with you then." She said very flatly.

"WHAT?!?" I yelled in shock.

"Ya, hunny, they're coming in at 6:00 today instead of tomorrow. " She said trying to calm me down.

"Are they coming to show?" I asked still a little stunned.

"Uh-huh. I was able to get them tickets for tonight. They're leaving early in the morning tomorrow."

"Cass hold on again." I covered the mouth piece with my hand once more. "Guys, I doubt you'll want to go now. My parents will be there."

"Oh no, we still want to go. I personally would love to meet your parents." Brian said stepping in before anybody else could answer, again.

"That's cool. You'll like them. Okay listen, right after the show come back to my dressing room. We'll leave for the place from there, and Brian I want you to keep your eyes shut in the cab and until we sit down."

"Why?" he asked a tad worried.

"You'll see. Trust me, you'll see, but not before you're sitting down. Okay?" I said to him like I was up to something. Which I was. I was taking them to the restaurant at the top of the first World Trade Tower.

"Am I going to regret this?" He asked still uncertain.

"No. And if you freak out, I'll take care of you." I said sincerely, but with a smile on my face.

"Where are you taking us?" Nick asked butting in on Brian and my moment.

"You'll see Nick. It's a surprise." I replied grinning. "Yikes, Cass. You're still on right?" I just remembered that Cass was still on the phone.

"Ya, well I've got to go, but everything's okay then?" she asked.

"As good as it could be. T.C.B.I. " I replied. By the way, T.C.B.I. Was one of many of Cass's and mine acronyms. It meant "this could be it."

"Chris, remember what I told you. Don't ruin this deal, okay?" She was still worried about me being gay would scare them off. "And oh ya, I forgot to call the Firm. I'll have to do it Thursday, cause I won't have time tomorrow. Is that okay?"

"Ya, it's fine." I said. "Well talk to you later."

"Bye hun."

"Bye." I hung up the phone, and saw everyone staring at me.

"What's TCBI mean?" Brian asked breaking the awkward pause.

"Oh nothing. I'll tell you later. But I have to go." I said looking at my watch and seeing that it was 3:30.

"You sure?" Brian asked with puppy dog eyes.

I didn't want to say "ya" but I had to. I mean I could have stayed there all day and stared at him, but I had to be at the theatre at four. "Ya, I'm sure. I really don't want to, but the producer and director are a pain in the ass about being on time."

I got up and so did Brian. "Nick, Kevin it was nice meeting you both. I'll see you guys after the show." I said looking at both of them.

"It was nice meeting you too, Crist." Kevin said.

"Ya, and I can't wait 'til tonight." Nick added.

"Good well cya guys." I walked to the door with Brian right behind.

"I'm sorry about my fickleness today." He said apologetically.

"It's okay, you weren't that bad anyways. Well I have to go, see ya Bri." I turned around before I could get his reaction to calling him 'Bri.'

"Bye. Chris." He yelled out. I waved back and got on to the elevator.

"Okay Nick, get. I need to talk to Brian. Alone." Kevin said sternly, but not meanly.

"Well if this about Brian's crush on Crist, I know all about it." Nick said a little cocky.

"Nick!" Brian yelled surprised by what Nick said.

"Nick, GO." Kevin said pointing to the door.

"Okay, I get the picture." Nick muttered lowly looking at the floor. Brian sat down as

Nick shut the door.

"What's up Kev?" Brian asked with some optimism in his voice.

"That's what I was about to ask you. When Crist came in here he looked like he was about ready to bust out crying. I asked what the matter was and he said it was you."

"Me?!? I didn't do anything, well... not anything directly." Brian replied trying to remember exactly what happened.

"What happened? I want it play by play."Kevin scootched the chair he was sitting on closer to the love seat where Brian was.

"Okay, he knocked on my door. I opened it and invited him in. He was amazed by the room. I showed him the bathroom where the hot tub was and said that he and jes should come over. I only brought her up to make sure they were going to break up. Well it turned out that she called him last night and they made up and now they're better than ever. As soon as I heard that, I got real quiet and I about cried. It hurt. I didn't want him to see my like that so I looked down at the floor so he wouldn't be able to tell my eyes were blood shot and told him that you wanted to see him. He waited there for a sec like he was going to say something. He didn't. He just turned around and left. I guess he went down to Nick's room accidentally.

"I threw myself on the bed and started to cry. Then I got out my Journal and started to write. It helped a little. Then I got in the shower and said a prayer. After I did that I felt so much better, like God said it was going to be alright. I finished washing and when i reached for a towel, Nick was in my bathroom! I told him to wait in my room while I got dressed. He went out and I got ready. I came out and talked to him for a second. That's when i learned that Chris was real sad and in your room. So we came here, and he was fine. I didn't even know he was sad until right now." Brian said finishing his story.

"Well I told him that it wasn't his fault that you were having these bad mood swings. And that I was sure whatever he said didn't affect you like he thought it did. Wow, was I wrong! He seemed to perk up and that's when you came in. I never did get to talk to him about the tour like I wanted to." Kevin replied.

"We can do that tonight. I guess we're going to have to tell AJ and D that they're going to have dinner with us. Speaking of that, do you have any idea where he's taking us?" Brian asked thinking maybe I told Kevin before he came in Kevin's room.

"No, but I have an idea." Kevin said smiling devilishly.

"Where?" Brian tried to be smooth about asking, but he wasn't and came off as a little to eager to know.

"I'm not telling. I mean I don't know for sure if the place I'm thinking of, is it." Kevin still had the grin on his face, and was loving making Brian wait.

"Why would he want me to cover my eyes up?" Brian asked trying to get some kind of a clue from Kevin.

"I'm not telling. You'll just have to wait. Oh I forgot to ask, how was your time at the mall?"

"Really good. Chris is wonderful Kevin. I drug him all around and he didn't care. It was perfect. I accidentally shot him a couple looks, but I don't know if he noticed or not. It doesn't matter." Brian shrugged.

"Why's that?" Kevin was a little puzzled.

"What happens, happens. I mean if he noticed the looks I was giving him, good. If he didn't, good. It's in God's hands. And I guess in yours too." Brian joked. Everybody know Kevin had a say in almost everything.

"Well do you want my opinion so far, or do you not care about that either?" Kevin asked sarcastically.

"Oh I want to know. Do tell." Brian sat up anxiously.

"He's gay." Kevin replied w/o hesitation.

"What?!? You sure?" Brian was in a bit of disbelief.

"He was giving you the looks all day. At lunch, at the mall, and here. It's so obvious. But Brian, I don't want you saying anything. At least until dinner tonight? Okay, I just need a little reassurance before you go tell him how you feel. Okay?" Kevin was being sincere.

Brian was lost in his own world, so he just nodded a yes to Kevin.

"Good. Well I'm going to catch some z's before we go." Kevin said getting up.

"Me too." Brian said also getting up. Kevin started for the bathroom. "And Kev...."

"What Bri?" Kevin asked turning around.

"Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you." Brian said genuinely.

"I know, I think you told me that this morning." Kevin joked.

"I just wanted to tell you again. Well bye." Brian walked out and closed the door.

He went down to his room and stripped down to his boxers. He slipped underneath his covers on the bed, and fell asleep quickly, but to an unsettling dream...

Christian and Nick walk into Brian's room, holding hands. "Chris what are you doing? Why are you holding Nick's Hand?" Brian asked with his voice shaking as he started to worry about what Christian was going to say. Christian stood there and stared at Brian coldly. "Don't just stand there! SAY SOMETHING!" Brian yelled. Christian still didn't answer. Brian felt the lump in the back of his throat. His worst nightmare was happening. His eyes started to well up with tears and begging he tried one last time. "Chris, please... I love you."

"How can you say you love me?" Christian asked with anger flaring in his eyes. "You kept me from Nick! I don't love you Brian. I love Nick" He leaned over to Nick and started to give him a kiss. "Mmm..." He moaned out. Nick slipped his tongue into Christians mouth. "Ah.." They started breathing heavy, Nick put his hand behind Christian's head and pulled Christian even tighter to him. Nick's tongue explored all inside of Christian's mouth. Christian groaned and then pulled back slightly. He looked at Nick, smiling devilishly, erotically, and wiped his mouth.

Brian sat on his bed tears streaming down his face. "See Brian, You could never do that. We've never had even half the passion that Nick and I just did. So you see, we're over."

"Get out." Brian said lightly. "GET OUT NOW!!!" Brian jumped up and pointed to the door.

Christian smiled at him. "See you later. Bri." He gave Brian a quaint little wave and left holding Nick's hand.

Brian sat up like a rocket, sweat pouring down his face, and breathing heavily. He looked at clock. It said 4:45. Brian reached up to his face and pulled down with his hand, getting some of the sweat off. "Gotta talk to Nick." He said like a zombie. He picked up the phone and dialed over Nick's room.

It rang three times and then Nick picked up. "Hello?" He said chirpily.

"Nick? This is Brian. Can you come down to my room for a sec. I need to talk to you."

"Okay. I'll be over in a flash." Nick hung up the phone and went down to Brian's room. He knocked lightly on the door and went in. Brian was still sitting up and he looked very stressed.

"Nick come here. Sit on the bed." Brian pointed to the bottom of the bed with one hand and rubbed his eyes with the others.

"What's up Bri?" Nick asked getting a little worried over Brian's seriousness.

"Do you like Chris?" Brian got right to the point.

"Of course. He's a really nice guy." Nick replied with a shrug.

"No, I mean do you like him more than that?" Brian asked sharply.

"Brian, I think I know what you're getting at. No, I don't like him more than friends, and even if I did, I wouldn't try for him when I knew you liked him. He's cute, but really doesn't do anything for me." Nick replied flatly.

"Thank you." Brian yawned. "I knew I could trust you."

"Yep. Brian get some more sleep." Nick said getting up. He gave Brian a pat on the shoulder. Brian nodded and laid back down while Nick left. He fell asleep quickly and didn't wake up until Kevin pounded on his door at 5:45..

When I left Brian's room I caught a cab went over to the threatre. I got there and I was immediately on stage doing warm ups and all that happy stuff. At about 6:00 we went off stage and they opened the doors to the hall. I watched from behind one of the curtains for awhile and the people were just pouring in. I was really looking for the boys and my parents, but to my surprise, I saw Jes come in. She sat down right front and center. She looked so cute and content sitting there, but I had to feel bad for her because she really didn't know how I felt about our relationship. I decided to go out, against theatre tradition, and say hello. I got right behind her tapping her on the shoulder and spoke in a British accent. "Excuse me miss, this seating is reserved. You'll have to move."

"What?" She said turning around. "This is my reserv... Crist?!? Oh my God! I missed you so much!" She was almost yelling.

"Shh..." I said putting my finger over my lips as she stood and gave me a hug. "Where were you babe?"

"I was at your parents. I'm the reason they're coming in early." She said smiling.

"I wandered what was up with that. So I assume you're going to have dinner with us and the guys tonight." I said without even thinking that she hadn't met them yet.

"What 'guys'?" She asked confused.

"I didn't tell you did I?" I said seriously. I was going to make her think something bad was up.

She immediately looked worried. "No, tell me what?"

I motioned with my finger for her to come closer so I could whisper in her ear. When I got close enough I said "I met the Backstreet Boys. We're all having dinner tonight." I smiled and pulled away to see her reaction was going to be.

She started to shake and she put her hand up to her mouth. "Oh my, my god, oh my god. I'm... I'm... I'm going to meet the Backstreet Boys. Oh my god." She said trembling.

I for some reason looked up to the isle to the doors and saw them coming in. They were disguised a little bit, but not as much as earlier. "Umm hun... You're going to meet them now." I said pointing towards them.

"I... I can't. What am I going to say? I can't. I just ca..." I pulled her from where she was standing before she was able to finish and waived to the guys. They all got a smile on their face, especially Brian. "Hey guys." I nodded to each of them. "This is my girlfriend Jes."

Kevin stepped out first and shook her hand. "Hi Jes. I'm Kevin."

"Hi. It's it's nice to me.. Meet you." She replied stumbling on her words.

Nick was the next one to introduce himself, then AJ, Howie, and finally Brian.

"Hello, I'm Brian. You can call me B-rok if you want." He stuck his hand for her out to shake. When he did that she fainted. Luckily I caught her and set her in a seat right next to us. You see, she was already quite shaky, and Brian was her fav boy so that was like the "straw that broke the camel's back" and she fainted.

"Is she going to be okay?" Nick asked very concerned.

"She'll be fine. She does this everyone in a while." I said smiling. "I'm going to take her back to my dressing room. Can one of you help me pick her up?"

Kevin got up behind her and lifted her. I picked her up like I was carrying her across the threshold and tried to take her to my dressing room as inconspicuously as possible as man carrying a dead looking woman can. I put her on my couch and got back to the boys who were still mulling around the back of the theatre hall.

"Why didn't you guys sit down yet?" I asked.

"We were just waiting to see how Jes was." Kevin answered.

"Oh she'll wake up in about 20 minutes. She did this once before when she met Tom Hanks. So don't worry about it." I said shrugging. Right then I noticed my Mom and Dad walking down one isle over from where we were. "MOM!" I yelled out in excitement.

I got her attention and she and my dad waived back and started to come over, crawling over people in the rows of seats. When they got over, my mom gave me a huge hug almost picking me up off the ground! "Umm... Mom, you can let me go now." I said pretending that I was gasping for air.

"Sorry hunny. I'm just so excited to see you." She said standing back.

"Hey Dad." Was all I could get out before he gave me a hug too.

"Good to see you Crist." He said moving back beside mom.

Brian coughed purposefully getting my attention. "Oh ya! Mom, Dad, I want you to meet some friends of mine. This is Brian, Kevin, Aj, Howie, some girl I've never met before, and last, but not least, Nick" I pointed to each of them. They all shook hands with my parents and then Brian leaned over and whispered who the girl was.

"Umm... Chris, that girl is Amanda, AJ's girlfriend."

"Thanks for telling me now that I make a fool out of myself." I said jokingly.

"So this is your new boyfriend Crist?" My mom asked out of the blue, not even phased by being near some of the hottest celebrities in the world. My eyes flew open immediately flew open.

"What???" I asked shocked by what she asked. I had been thinking of what it would be like to be Brian, as a couple after I left their hotel, so this definitely shocked me cause I had totally forgot all about the media blow up.

"Well I've been reading in the Star that you two were going out. You know those things only tell the truth." She said smiling. My mom had a weird sense of humor, but I didn't mind it. I played along to make her happy.

"Oh ya, me and Brian have been a couple long before those tabloids came out." I said seriously. This time Brian's eyes flew open at me and I winked at him so he would know I was joking.

"So what happened to Jes? Is she out of the picture?" My mom continued.

"Well actually we just told her about Brian and I and she fainted. She's on the couch in my dressing room."

"Oh that's nice. So seriously, how are you and Jes?" my mom asked ending the joke.

"We're good. Couldn't be better." I replied. "Oh no, here comes one of the directors. I have to go. I'm guessing you're sitting with Jes when she wakes up?"

"What do you mean 'wake up'?" My mom asked confused.

"She fainted, remember?"

"She actually fainted?!?" Mom was surprised.

"Ya, I introduced her to the boys here and she fainted."

Right then the director came up and told me that I was to be in make up ten minutes ago. I told her I'd be there in a moment. She nodded and left.

"Guys can you show my parents to their seats? And I'll see you all after the show." I gave a them all a smile and then jogged back to the make up room.

"Chris, get your ass in this chair now!" Thalia, one of the make up artists yelled at me. "You're 15 minutes late."

I didn't say anything I just nodded and sat. I stared into the mirror in front of me, and I started to think about how lonely I felt. 'I'm 19. I doubt I need anyone yet. But... But... yet I do. Could Brian be the one then? Wait... this is silly. I've only known Brian for a day. Yet he makes me feel so... so... content. When i was with him at the mall, I didn't want anything else. Nothing, but to be near/with him. Is that love? Or lust?...... No, it can't be lust, I've lusted over lots of men before. This is different. Or is it? I don't want him because of his body. I want him for... for him. Not anything more, not anything less. But can I really tell after a day??? AHH!!! I don't know. All I know (hehe... "all I know") is this is something special, something magical, something surreal, something I don't want to end.'

"Thalia." I said to get her attention.

"What Chin?" She asked. 'Chin' Btw, is her nickname for me. She didn't like calling me Crist, so she used the second part of my name which sounds like chin. If she was mad or being serious though, she used 'Crist.'

"What's love like?" I knew I could ask her something like that, and I knew she would give me an honest answer. We had our little 'talks' before, so I felt comfortable around her.

"Whoa! Has my boy fallen for Jes finally?"

"No." I sighed. "Somebody else."

"Oh." She said shortly. "Well how long have you known this person for?"

"Since last night." I answered lightly hoping she wouldn't yell at me.

"Ah, boy. Don't throw away what you have with Jes for somebody you just met after the show."

"Thalia, you saw the show last night, right?" I needed to tell her about last night to help her understand how I felt.

"Ya. It was absolutely breathtaking."

"Well you remember me at the end of act one?"

She took a gasp of pleasure reflecting in her mind of the previous night. "Oh yes. It was the most... the most amazing emotional experience I think I've ever had. You pulled me in Crist. I felt the passion. I felt how it was to long for love, and yet have it there right in front of your eyes." She paused for a second. "I felt the kind of love I have with my husband. That's kind of spooky if you think about it. You've never been in true love, at least that I know of and yet you were able to convey it to the audience without looking at anybody. Or... oh my." I think she had just realized that I was about to tell her that the person I was looking at was the person I was having these feelings for.

"Thal, when I was doing that scene, I wasn't even thinking about Jes. She didn't even cross my mind." I said soberly.

"Then what were you doing?" She didn't want to come right out and ask if I was thinking about the person I met.

"I wasn't thinking about anybody per say. I was looking right at a person. The person I think I'm falling in love with. And they were looking right back at me."

"Every one was looking at you Crist."

"I know that, but this was more. He wasn't looking at me, he was looking in me. I've seen people looking at me, but never ever like he did last night. There was a bond between us and the words I was singing out, only intensified it. He was..." I stopped myself realizing I was referring to a man. "Oh my god." were the words that escaped my mouth. I had never ever slipped up like that before. I had never told anyone, but Cass that I was gay. And now Thal knew. But that didn't bother me like I thought it should have.

"Go on Chin. I've known for a long time." She said with a comforting tone to her voice.

"How ? Am I that obvious?" I couldn't have been obvious. I did almost anything I could not to be considered gay. Well okay, save the Rosie show I had done a couple days earlier.

"Not at all."

"Then how'd you know?" I asked still a bit shocked that she had known and not said anything.

"It was a gut feeling really. I know a lot of gay people, and I know a lot of straight people. Sometimes you confused me, but I always leaned on the gay side for you. And there were some signs that only a few people would pick up on. For example, you have a million 'girl' friends, but only a few 'guy' friends. That's a very good sign. You feel a little awkward around men, don't you?"

I nodded yes.

"See, you don't feel awkward around women cause you don't have any sexual feelings for them, so you're yourself around them. That's why you have more girl friends. You feel strange and self-conscious around men because you do have those sexual feelings for them, and you're not sure how to react." She explained to me.

"Do you think a lot of other people can see that in me?"

"No, I mean only people close to you know that you're friends with barely any guys, and probably none of them think anything of it. The one thing that confirmed it for me though, was the Rosie interview."

"What?!?"

"I didn't notice until I watched it five times, but you were serious. I could see it. I don't know how, but I could." She said seriously.

"So why didn't you say anything?"

"You had Jes, and in the small case that you weren't really gay, I didn't want to offend you."She said plainly.

"Well right now I'd say you wouldn't have offended me, but if I was straight I don't know how I would have taken it." I smiled.

"See that's why I didn't. So getting back to the subject, what was he doing?" She asked.

"Oh ya, he was singing back to me, at least I think he was singing back. The odd thing is though, he came back to my dressing room, but we totally avoided talking about what happened."

"So you're sure he felt the same thing?" She asked sincerely.

"He had to. Why would he come back? How could he not feel it? But anyway, I spent the rest of the night with him talking. Then today I had lunch and went to the mall with all the guys, but he and I broke off and went on our own."

"Wait, what guys, and exactly who is 'he'"? She asked suspiciously.

I debated in my head for a second whether or not to tell her. I decided i would, I mean what could it hurt? "The guys are the Backstreet Boys, and 'he' is Brian Litrell."

"Oh no." She said disappointedly. "You're going to get hurt. He's got a girlfriend, and has been with her a long time. I've wondered about him, but I really don't think he's... you know, gay."

"Umm... Me and Jes?" I said using us an as example that a gay guy could go out with a girl.

"Okay, you've got a point, but Chin you asked me what love was like. Well you've first got to separate lust from love."

"I've done that. This isn't lust. Trust me, I know what lust is. I've been through it several times." I assured her.

"You never can be sure Chin. You can lust very deeply and it can almost feel like love, but it's not." She explained. "The way I feel is true love only comes once, and that's with your soul mate. You only have one soul designated for you, and since true love is the connection of you and that other soul, love only happens once. So if he's your soul mate, then what you're feeling is love. If he's not, then you're just feeling a deep lust. I wish you would have had a feeling similar to this, in the past to know the difference between lust and love. Either way enjoy the time with him that you have."

"I have a question then." I stated.

"What's that hun?"

"So my soul mate doesn't have to be a woman then?"

"Oh no, and if you're really gay, it won't be. I've thought about that for a long time and this is what I've come up with." She said starting to put make up on me again. "Souls are gender less. You're matched with a soul by whatever force controls love before you're put on this earth. You and your soul mate are plunked down in two bodies. Male or female, you're just plunked down. So if your soul mate was plunked down into a male body, you're going to be gay, which is the case. If your soul mate was put in a female body then you wouldn't be gay. Your genes just go along with your soul. It all works out."

"What about bi's?" I asked a little jokingly.

"Umm... I guess those are people who's genes didn't want to cooperate." She said laughing lightly. "Well chin, you're done." She spun me around to I could see myself in the mirror.

"Good deal. I really enjoyed this little talk." I said seriously.

She patted me on the shoulder. "Me too. Now get out there or they'll kick your butt."

I left in a hurry, and went to my dressing room to check on Jes. I opened up the door and peeped in. She wasn't there. 'She must've gone out to watch the play.' I thought to myself. So I went back stage and when I got there everyone was staring at me with a little bit of anger and frustration. I wasn't going to try to explain all that happened, so I rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders at them. I mean I wasn't even in the first couple scenes. Everyone took their place on stage, and I could see that there wasn't any light coming from under the curtain, so they must've shut off the house lights.

The show started and went fine. When it was my part, I went on and took a quick glimpse at the audience. I saw my mom and dad first, then sitting right next to them were AJ, Howie, Kevin, Nick, Brian and Jes. For a second I was like 'okay' then I saw Jes was hanging over Brian. They were both sitting there whispering to each other and laughing! They both seemed to be having a very good time. I shook it off as much as I could and got back to the play.

Right before the last scene of the first act came around, the one that everyone was talking about earlier in the day, Brian and Jes got up and walked at a very fast pace, up the isle giggling. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe Brian would leave at all, let alone right before that scene. I felt like someone took a blow to my stomach. It was awful. I got out on stage and tried my best to cover up my pain. 'All I Know' started and this time I was looking at Amanda, but not really. As I sang the words, my thoughts were on Brian and how I felt about him, the way I felt, and how I wish I was looking into his eyes as I sang.

"And all the pain that I've known turns to dust, Blown by the wind.

And all I know is that love like this is love that never lies." I started to tear up as the words came out of my mouth finally sunk in. "All I need is the time to know that this is real and let it grow." The music started and I began to wonder. 'Is what I feel for him real? Will it grow? Or is it all in my imagination?'

Then I turned to the audience again not listening to what the director had told me earlier, and searched for Brian one last time as I finished the song. "And all I know is that all I'll ever love is in your eyes. And all I know is the touch of love that changed all I know." The men drug me away, and when we got back stage they asked me if everything was okay. I just nodded yes, and walked down very wearily. My mind was racing. I was hurt by Brian leaving and I knew that any chance that I thought I might have had with him, was gone. He wouldn't have left if he felt about me, the way I felt about him. I fell to the ground and curled up in a ball by the wall, and cried. It was all too much for me to handle.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. "What!?" I asked rather harshly.

It was Thal. "What's the matter Chin? You're right in the middle of the show."

"I know." I said trying to stop sobbing. "But I just saw Jes and Brian walk out right before the big scene. And they were laughing!"

"Ah, Crist, come here baby." She sat down and held me.

"Why does this always happen to me? I mean it's hard enough that Brian leaves with someone, but for that someone to be Jes is a double whammy."

"Maybe you're just blowing this out of proportion. You haven't gotten to talk to any of them yet have you?"

"No, not yet." I wiped my eyes.

"Ten Minutes!" Someone yelled out.

"Baby come on. We need to get you all maked up or someone will be on both our asses for you looking like this." She said laughing.

"Okay." I said soberly.

We stood up and went to the make up room again. We didn't talk at all while she fixed me up. I really didn't feel like talking, and she sensed that. When she was done, I got up and she gave me a big hug. It felt really good because she was conveying to me that she felt what I was going through, and it was comforting to me.

I got backstage and we were all whisked into our positions. The music intro started, and the curtain opened. Although I wasn't supposed to, I looked out into the audience and thankfully Brian and Jes were there. I finished the play, getting killed and all without a hitch. I was brought out for 15 minutes after the show again. I talked to some people who were really nice and supportive. I really enjoyed that cause I don't get to talk to my fans that often.

Someone came up and told the people that I had to leave, so I shook a few more hands, and gave some of the girls a couple hugs before I went back. We had a little meeting where I was yelled at for being late, and looking at the audience again in "All I Know." I sat there rolling my eyes, because I didn't need them on my ass at that moment. We were all let out, and I went back to my dressing room. I walked in and everyone was there sitting where there was room.

"Hi honey, great Job!" my mom yelled as she came running over. She gave me a hug picking me up and then she put me down.

"Thanks mom." I smiled.

"Ya great Job Chris." My dad added giving me a handshake.

"Thanks." I looked at the rest of them and saw Brian and Jes sitting together. "So I see you guys met, and without you fainting." I said with a little bit of anger.

"Ya, Jes here is great." Brian replied smiling.

"You did so great, I loved the whole show." Jes added in.

"Ya. Maybe if you saw the whole show." I said under my breath.

"What?" She asked not hearing what I said.

"Oh nothing." I turned away from them and addressed the others. "Hey Kev."

"Hey great job." He said standing.

"Thanks. Hey are you ready to go?" I asked.

Kevin looked to see if the others were ready. "Yep. Let's go."

"Ok. Everybody, we're leaving. The Limo's in the back."

I let my parents go first then myself and the guys and amanda followed with Jes and Brian in the back. Brian ran up beside me.

"Hey, what's the matter?" He asked concerned.

"Nothing." I answered unconvincingly.

"Something's wrong. Now what is it? I mean you were giving me an evil eye in there, and

you barely said hi." He kept his eyes on me, knowing I was trying not to look at him.

"Listen, I'll call you tonight or something, but I don't want to talk about it now." I didn't want to tell him now. He was going to get it out of me one way or another, and if I could make it so that I told him about his leaving in private. I would.

"You promise?" His eyes were begging.

"I promise." I smiled, I couldn't stay mad at him. We got outside and the limo was waiting. We all piled in, thankfully it was a big limo. I sat in between my mom and Brian with Jes sitting beside him. I was a little upset that she was sitting by him and not me, but I blew it off as best as I could.

"So is everybody hungry?" I asked openly.

"Oh ya, I'm starved." Nick said rubbing his stomach.

"Me too. You hungry Manda?" Aj asked his girlfriend. She nodded shly.

"Oh I'm sorry, I haven't been formerly introduced. I'm Christian, you can call me Crist if you want."

"Okay... Crist, I'm Amanda." She extended her hand for a shake, but I kissed it. "Aw, what a lady's man." She giggled.

I blushed on the spot. "Well..." I noticed out the window that the Trade Towers were really close. "Oh my, Brian close your eyes, now." I said commanding.

"Okay." He said unsurely, but he did it.

"Where are we going?" Howie asked stressing 'are'

I looked at Brian to make sure his eyes were shut, and then pointed out the window to the Towers.

"I thought so." Kevin said smiling.

"What? Where are we going?" Brian asked laughing a bit.

"You'll see." I told him. "But for now you have to keep your eyes closed. Trust me."

The driver came on the intercom. "Sir, we'll be there in five minutes."

"See, there's five mins. I'm opening my eyes." Brian said, but kind of waiting for

permission.

"No! Brian, just hold on." I was trying to be calm.

Right then my phone rang. It was Cass of course.

"Hey sweetie, just wanted to let you know security and the reservations are set up." She said.

"Well thanks for letting me know right before I got there." I said with a slight laugh.

"Oh you're welcome." She replied happily. "Oh perfect performance tonight. But what happened at the end of act one there?? It was fantastic, but different. Instead of immersed in love, you were immersed in... in the longing for love. You seemed lonely, not like last night where you were almost happy. I know what your inspiration was last night, but what was tonight's?"

"I can't really tell you now because well I'll tell you later. Anyway, I'm glad you like the whole show." I said hoping to let Brian and Jes know I was still pissed at them.

Brian got the picture because he hung his head low in shame. Jess just gave me a confused look.

"Umm.... Sure sweetie" Cass replied a little unsure cause of the tone of voice that I was using. "Well I'll let you get back to your company now. Say hi to your parents for me."

"Will do. See ya."

"Bye." She said as I hung up the phone.

"Okay, what was all that about?" Kevin asked know I was implying something when I said

about Cass seeing the whole show.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I said like I was actually telling the truth.

Kevin let out a little huff of air. "Ya.. Sure..." He wasn't convinced.

"Sir, we're at the restaurant." The driver said over the intercom.

"Brian keep your eyes shut!" I scolded him lightly, knowing he'd pester again.

"Okay..." He said like a disappointed child.

We all filed out of the car. Everyone but Brian stared upwards at the building in awe. It really is a humbling experience to say the least.

Jes even started to say something "It's so..."

I bulged my eyes out at her, she had almost blown the cover. If Brian knew he was going up there, well he probably wouldn't have gone.

"Okay come on people." I said taking charge. If I hadn't, they would have stared all night.

Everyone went inside and up to the customer service desk except Kevin and Brian. Kevin was keeping Brian under is 'shield' so that Brian wouldn't over hear anything that would let him know where we were.

"I've got a reservation for the restaurant under Williamson, Christian." I told the lady behind the counter.

"Yes sir, we've finalized all the arrangements that were called in for your party. Please get in the elevator to your left. When you reach your floor, a waiter will be there to show you to your table. We've also had the blinds closed as you requested and when you want them open, all you will have to do is get your waiter's attention. He'll handle it from there. Have a nice dinner sir." She said with a quaint smile.

"I will. Thank you." I turned around and signaled everyone with my arm to follow me. I lipped "It's okay" to Kevin and he and Brian got in also. I nodded to the receptionist that we were ready and she shut the doors and away we went to the 107th floor of World Trade Tower One.

"What the...?!?" Brian exclaimed. "Are we on an elevator? We aren't we? What kind of restaurant has an elevator? You guys are playing a trick on me aren't you?"

I was almost unable to keep in my laughter. "No, this isn't a trick or joke, but you'll see later why we wanted you 'in the dark'."

"Well, Chris this elevator is really slow." He said conforming to my plan.

Everyone snickered at his ignorance of the whole situation. Luckily he didn't say anything about it. Then it hit me that this might be really harmful to Brian if he went to into shock or something. I walked over to Kevin and whispered in his ear. "This isn't going to hurt Brian is it? I mean he's not going to have a heart attack right?" I asked very frightenedly

"Na, he's afraid of heights, but not so bad that he's go into cardiac arrest or anything." He whispered back carefree.

"Good." I said smiling.

The elevator reached our floor. The doors opened and we all stepped out. I looked above the elevator to see if it listed the floor. It didn't. "Okay Brian. Open your eyes. It's safe." I said to him.

He opened his eyes. "What's the big secret? And why are the blinds pulled on all the windows?"

"I don't know." I lied.

A waiter walked up to us. "Good evening everyone. I'm Alexander and I'll be your head waiter for tonight." He said getting all of our attention. "Cindy here will show you to your seat." He pointed to the girl beside me. She nodded to us and motioned for us to follow her to the table.

Mr. Williamson, I need to talk to you for a moment." Alexander spoke up as I was ready to walk away."

"Yes?"

"I was told you wanted the blinds open at some point during the evening." He said but in an asking tone.

"Ya... Umm... I'm not sure when I want that done, so I'll just signal you or something. Okay?"

I didn't know whether I wanted them to open them slowly over the course of the dinner or like when Brian was in the restroom or something.

"Yes sir, whatever you want is fine. Oh and we've had anything that said WTT on it replaced."

"Thank you." I turned around and joined everybody at our table.

"Did he tell you why the blinds were closed?" My mom asked as I sat across from her and right in between Brian and Jes.

"He said there was some construction or something going on and it really looked horrid." I of course was lying, but I thought it was a good lie. "So mom, how have you been?" I asked.

"I've been really good, although I would have been a lot better if you'd have called every once in a while." She tried to put me on a guilt trip.

"Oh Mom." I rolled my eyes. "But really has anything happened?"

"Let's see. You're sister is out in LA training for Olympic Softball Team, You're brother is just happy in school, and do very well I might add. All 'A's this last time."

"That's great. Dad anything on your end?" It wasn't as if my parents were divorced, but they like talked about what news which one of them would break to me before they saw me.

"Well, I've been good, but grandma's in the hospital and it doesn't look good. The urinary track infection looks like it might be fatal."

"Oh my god" I whispered.

"If you can get back to see her soon, please do. It may be the last time you see her." He was very serious, and it looked as though he was ready to cry.

"I'll go this Saturday. If I have a show, I'll get my understudy to do it. Do you want to come hun?" I asked Jes.

She grabbed my hand. "Oh yes, I love your grandma, I really want to see her."

"If there's anything we can do, just say it." Brian said sincerely.

"Well if any of you would want to come, you're welcome to. My grandma knows about you guys, and I'm sure if she's strong enough, she'd love to meet you." I was being open to whoever wanted to, but was mainly asking Brian.

"I'll go." He said without hesitation.

"I wish I could man, but I'm going to meet with Amanda and her folks this weekend." AJ announced.

"Well, it's not really a big deal if can come or not. I mean you don't even know her, so don't worry about it." I didn't want them to feel obligated to come. "Is there anything else dad?" I directed my attention back to him.

"Ah... I don't think so. But hey, I don't want to talk about us. You did such a wonderful job tonight. I must say I don't think I've ever seen you so emotional before in my life." He smiled, jokingly.

"You talking about the end of act one?" I asked, knowing he was going to answer yes.

"Of course. You made me think about how much I loved your mother, and you made me remember what it was like when I couldn't be with her all the time." He looked at my mother with loving eyes, and they kissed.

"What do you mean?" I asked a little confused by the second part of his statement.

"You looked so lonely and hungry for love, just like I was when I met mom."

'Well at least my mood at the time of that scene showed through.' I thought. 'I wanted to sing to Brian, but he wasn't there, and I did feel lonely, and hungry for love, his love. But he wasn't there... he wasn't there... he doesn't care... He doesn't want me... he doesn't... he doesn't love me... He wouldn't have left if he did. Well I might as well make Jes feel loved, and if for some reason he does like me, this'll get back at him for not being there.' Him leaving hurt me, and I wanted simple revenge. Heck I didn't even know if me hanging over Jes would affect him at all, but it was all I could think of.

"What were you thinking about up on stage there?" Jes asked hopefully.

"You honey. I was thinking of how I missed you last night." I gave her a passionate kiss, well as passionate as a gay man could make it "I really wanted to spend the night with you, but I couldn't cause you weren't there." I put my arm around her shoulders and starred at her ignoring everyone else.

Brian instantaneously felt disheartened 'What is he doing? Why? He is supposed to be gay? What was last night if he's not? Why? Brian settle down. Just put it out of your mind. What happens, happens.' He tried to calm himself down. 'Oh my gosh, he is he doing this to get back at me for leaving? I didn't leave though, Jes and I both had to use the restroom and we just stayed in the back when we returned.'

"Umm guys... We're still here." Howie hinted.

Jes and I laughed and then broke our stare. "Sorry. I just don't get to do that often." I was ready to puke at how syrupy I was being. "Oh guys guess what!" I was directing that to my parents and Jes.

"What?" They asked in anticipation.

"I might be touring with these guys..." I pointed to the backstreet members "when they go on their next tour."

"That's great!" My mom chimed in.

"But... what about us?" Jes asked very dispiritedly.

"We'll be fine. I mean there is a thing called the telephone." I tried to make light of the subject. Then I remembered about Brian saying he had a girlfriend, I didn't like the thought, but right now I didn't have much to contradict it. "What are you and Leigh-Anne going to do?" I turned to Brian, but he was in his own world. He looked very saddened.

"Bri, are you okay?" Kevin asked, seeing what I was seeing.

"Huh, what?" He was in his own world.

"Well I just asked how you and Leigh-anne were going to handle the touring thing." I said.

"Oh, me and Leigh-Anne. Ya... Right... er... we'll just handle it I guess." He really wasn't with it.

"You tired?" I asked still concerned about him.

"No, I just have some things on my mind. Today's been hectic for me, I'm sorry."

'Okay, something's definitely up with Brian. Is it me and Jes, or is he thinking about Leigh-Anne? If I could only read his mind. He looks so blue, I wish I could take him in my arms and cuddle him, comfort him.' I hated seeing him like that. 'Maybe I should stop this thing with Jes. I don't know."

"Good evening everyone." Alex said standing at our table. "Here are your menus." He passed them out to each of us. "Would any one like something to drink?"

"Could you bring us a bottle of sparkling Grape Juice. None of us will be having alcohol." I stated, not caring if anybody did wand some kind of alcoholic drink. "I would also like a cafe Mocha."

"Okay, sir. Anybody else?" Alex asked writing down the things I told him.

My parents wanted coffee, Jess took a cappuccino, Brian ordered a cafe mocha, like I did, Kevin, Nick, and Howie got some kind of soda and AJ and Amanda had Alex get a milkshake with two straws."

'This cafe mocha thing better be good." Brian said to me as Alex walked away to get the drinks.

"You're never had it before?"

He shook his head no.

"You'll like it. Trust me." I said.

"Well I better trust you. You've only told me to trust you a million times." He joked.

That was true, I had told him that a lot of times. Then it dawned on me, what if he takes being here on top of the World Trade Tower badly and doesn't trust me? Everyone had broken off in there own conversation, so I decided to ask him about his fear before I had the blinds opened, just in case.

By the way, I had reserved the whole floor for us, so we wouldn't be bothered by fans. Our table was a long rectangle, stretched parallel to the wall. The side opposite of the window, the side where if the blinds were open you could see out, was where I sat. To my right was Jes, then to my left was Brian and Nick. Howie sat at the one end farthest away from me. Amanda, AJ, Kevin, and my mom were on the side closest to the windows. My dad sat at the head of the

table.

"So Brian, how afraid of heights are you?"

"Hmm?" He was caught off guard. "Why do you want to know?" He asked getting suspicious.

"I was just wandering. I had heard that you were." I replied innocently.

"Well I don't know. I mean I don't mind flying that much, but I was on the roof of my house once, and I started shaking so badly that my dad had to come and get me down. But why?"

"Well I was thinking one day we could go to the World Trade Towers?" I cringed my face up hoping he wouldn't yell at me.

"Umm... a... I don't know. I guess, but I don't how I'd handle it. The guys would probably help me up there if something happened." He shrugged.

I hadn't thought about actually asking him and since we were already in one of them it didn't make much sense, but if he was willing to go, why not ask? But I didn't want the "guys" there.

I looked over to see if Jes was listening, but she wasn't. She was talking with my parents and Kevin about god knows what. I directed my attention back to Brian. "Well I kind of... " I was being shy. "meant just you and me. You know, a buddy thing."

His face brightened right up, and whatever had been on his mind, sure wasn't there now. "That'd be wonderful!" He was definitely excited. Which made me think about him being gay or not again. For everything that he did to make me thing he was gay, he did another thing to make me think he was straight. It was confusing, and emotionally draining.

"Cool." I said nodding my head.

"Just promise me that if I faint or something you won't let me fall and hurt myself." He seemed to be joking, but yet serious.

I really couldn't tell, I responded seriously looking into his eyes.. " I won't let anything happen." I was caught in the stare with him again. We were looking in each other, not at each other. I could see a yearning in his eyes, the same yearning that I had seen the previous night. I opened my mouth ready to say something. What I don't know, but I was going to say something. But before I did Jes saw I was in another world, Brian's world, which of course she didn't know. All she knew was that I wasn't paying attention to her.

"Crist. Babe..."

I shook my head to get back into reality and turned to Jes. Brian just sat there, still memorized by what just happened.

"What hun?" I questioned.

"Well your parents, and I and Kevin too, were talking."

"About what?" I was afraid of what she would answer.

"Well what do you think about having kids?"

Oh no. I didn't want to get into that after what just happened with Brian. "I umm... well I think kids are..." I had no idea what to say. Cause I wanted kids, of course I would adopt, not actually have them, but I didn't want to adopt with her. And I really didn't want to talk about having kids with her in front of Brian. "I want to have kids, but I don't think now would be a good time. I mean we're not even engaged or anything, and with how my career is going, I don't think they'd be the best idea for the moment."

"When are we going to get engaged?" She was taking the offensive here.

"Sometime I guess. I don't think we're ready yet." I did not want to say I wanted to get engaged.

"You talk as though it meant we had to get married the next day." She still seemed a little upset.

"Hun, I don't think this is the time or place to talk about this. Come on, let's just enjoy

the evening." I gave her my version of the puppy dog eyes which always worked.

"Okay, but promise me that we'll get engaged some day." She gave me her pleading eyes.

Brian was listening, and I looked over to him, to see if there was any responce. He didn't say anything, but by the look on his face, it seemed as though he didn't want me to say 'yes.'

"So has everyone got their orders ready?" Alex asked coming up to our table, and saving the day.

Of course no one did, so we all hurried up and looked at the menus. I'm not going to say what everybody got because that would take too long, but Brian got a salad and some light chicken dish without Kevin even having to say something. Alex left and no one started up conversation again, so I decided to talk about my little sister. "So how's Jen?"

"Well like I said, she's out in LA training for the softball Olympic team. She hasn't found a man yet, but then she really doesn't have time."

I started to laugh inside a little because my sister is a lesbian. Yep, a lesbian. My mom of course didn't know, and I only knew because I found a note from her girlfriend, and confronted her about it. It was good though because she needed to tell somebody. She was ready to explode, maybe even suicide, and she talked to me for hours about it, and she's been good ever since. "Give her time mom, I'm sure she'll find that special someone."

"That's so cool that your sister is on the Olympic team. I wish I had an ounce of athletic ability." Amanda finally spoke. It surprised me.

"You dance don't you?" I asked.

"Well, yeah I guess."

"That counts for something. See your athletic in your own way." I tried to always think on the bright side of things, when it didn't involve me that is.

She giggled slightly. "Thanks."

"You're so positive, it makes me sick." Brian joked.

"Me too." I smiled back.

"Honey, how's Cass?" My mom asked.

"She's good. She's been doing wonderful things for my career."

"Oh really? Like what?"

'Should I tell them about the second record deal? I mean I'm sure the guys wouldn't say anything' I debated in my head whether or not to say anything.

"Well she's got me on a ton of TV shows and I'm performing for a couple of awards shows already. And..." This was it, I tell them now, or wait a long, long time.

"And what?" My mom pressed.

"I landed a record deal for my next album." I replied shyly.

"Oh my lord. That's wonderful! When did this happen?!?" My mom definitely was

excited.

"Well I learned about it last night, and signed the papers this morning, but I won't be doing the album for about a year or two." I tried to keep my smile suppressed.

"That's awesome dude." AJ added in.

"Ya, way to go." Nick said leaning over to Brian to tell me.

Kevin stood up and shook my hand. "Congratulations."

Both Howie and Amanda and Jes added their congrats. Jes gave me a huge hug, and when I was able to detach myself from her, my dad gave me a fatherly hug. I really loved my dad. He didn't speak much, but I could tell he was proud of me.

"Umm... Brian, aren't you going to say anything?" Kevin asked with slight scolding tone.

"I already did." Brian said smartly, but he was joking of course.

"When?"

"This morning." He replied matter-of-factly.

I had to laugh at how Brian was pretending to be cocky and then Kevin's reaction.

"You mean you've known for this long and haven't even said a word about it?" Kevin seemed very stunned.

"Yep." Brian replied very proud of himself for keeping it that long. "He told me not to say anything cause no one is supposed to know."

"Oh ya, don't say anything to anybody. Cass told me to keep this low-key for a while." I said to everybody.

All of them said "sure" or "whatever." or something like that.

Right then our drinks came. Alex passed them out. He started to walkaway and I got up from the table, saying I had to use the restroom. I actually didn't I wanted to tell him that I wanted the Blinds open.

"Alex." I whispered as loud as I could whisper.

"Yes sir?" he asked turning around.

"Okay, these blinds are motorized right?"

"Of course." He replied bluntly.

"Then you can have them open all at once?"

"Well what happens when we have them fully open is they turn so that you can see out, then they are pulled back every five beams, so we can't open them quickly, but we can have all the sets of blinds open, simultaneously."

"That's fine. When the food arrives, start opening them." I said.

He nodded and walked back to the kitchen. I returned to my seat. Everyone was in their own conversation, my dad, my mom Kevin and Jes were talking to each other. Nick was talking to Howie. Amanda and AJ were in their own world. Brian though was sitting silent. He looked like he was lost in thought.

"Whatcha thinking about?" I asked sitting down.

"You said something in the limo that's been bothering me. I was wondering if it's why you were made earlier." He was acting rather uneasily.

"What was that?"

"Well when you were talking to Cass on the phone, you said you were glad she saw the whole show. You accented whole and I have a feeling it was because of me."

"Why did you leave" I asked point blank. "Yes, I was directing that to you."

"I thought that was it. I had to pee and Jes had to use the restroom also."

"For eight minutes!?" I exclaimed trying to keep my anger down. Well I really wasn't angry, more hurt than anything. I started to feel the lump in the back of my throat. "And right before the end of act one." I had to swallow or I would have started crying. "That was..." I stopped myself before I finished with 'our scene'

"That was what?" He asked noticing I had obviously cut myself off.

"Nothing... But why did you leave?"

"Now wait. You were going to say something. I want to know what it was." He said very directly.

"It was nothing, I swear." I was trying to convince him but it wasn't working.

He wouldn't let it go. "It was something."

"Listen, I really can't tell you now." I said

"Can you tell me later?"

"Probably not." I told him blankly. 'Unless we fall in love, which probably will never happen.' I said in my head.

"Why? You can trust me."

"Brian, I wouldn't tell Jes, my parents, or anybody. Maybe Cass, but that's it. I wish I could tell you, but then I'd have to explain what I meant and then you'd hate me. So please just drop it." I was pleading and I'm sure I had a glossy film over my eyes.

He drooped his head and said, "okay." 'What in the world would make me hate him? Oh my god, what if he thinks I'd hate him because he's gay. Nah, you know he's been hanging on Jes all night. But what was that staring thing and him telling me he'd never hurt me? Why don't I just come out and say how I feel? No. I couldn't do that now. Even if Kevin said I could. Aj and Howie don't know I'm gay and oh my, and what an impression I'd leave on his parents. And if he is gay, like he's going to say it right in front of his mom and dad and girlfriend. Girlfriend.... Girlfriend... He has a girlfriend Brian, stop thinking he's gay. But... but... why won't he tell me?'

"Brian, please don't be mad." I leaned down to look him in the eyes.

"I'm not mad, just hurt that you can't tell me."

I couldn't stand seeing him like that I had already made him look sad and depressed on several occasions today. "Listen, I'll tell you in a week." 'What did I just do??? He's going to hold me to that. Well this means I have a week to see how he feels about gay people and/or to make up a good lie.'

He sure brightened up at that. "Promise?"

I took a big breath. "Promise..." Little did I know at the time, that the promise wouldn't be need to be kept.

"Chris, I did see the end of act one." He said solemnly. "I wouldn't have missed it. I was in the back."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? I was so hur.."

"I didn't think you even knew we had left" he said cutting me off. It probably was a good thing because chance are he would have made me explain what I meant by 'hurt', and I really didn't need to dig myself in any deeper. I had left out enough stuff for one evening. "Did you say you were in a twilight sone before, during and after a show?"

He was right, I did say that. Then I realized it didn't happen tonight and gasped. "Oh my God."

"What??" He asked scared. I would have been scared too if the person I was talking to busted out 'Oh my God!'

"I wasn't in the 'twilight zone' tonight Brian."

"Why?" He asked, amazed.

I couldn't believe it. 'Why? What was different tonight than last night before the show, or what was the difference between this show and any other show I was in?' I asked myself, already knowing the answer. 'Brian. He was there. I was so happy with him being there, that I forgot about being nervous. My god, what does that mean? I've never not been in 'the zone', even when my crush would happen to be there...' I shook my head "I don't know."

"Well was there anything different about tonight then all those other times?" He asked curiously, staring me in the eyes.

"You..." I blurted out. I paused a second and then finished with "and the guys." Right then I knew what it was and why: Brian. Brian had been there. Although my mind wasn't completely on him the whole time, he presence there took away all my fears and fright. It was subconscious. He eased my mind and soul without me know it.

"Planet Earth calling Chris..." He smiled, waving his hand over my face to pull me back to reality.

I fluttered my eyes as I became aware of my drifting. "Oh... I'm sorry. I was just thinking about tonight."

"And...?"

" really don't know why tonight was different." I lied. "Maybe cause Jes fainted and my attention was on her. I don't know."

"Did I hear my name?" Jes asked in a valley-girl voice.

"I was just telling Brian here that I think the reason I wasn't in the sone was because you fainted."

"Oh." She said shortly. Then a look of shock came over her. "Oh honey, that's great!" She yelled as she threw her arms around me. "Now maybe you won't be a zombie anymore."

"Hey!" I pulled back.

"I'm just kidding hun." She gave me a quick kiss on the lips and grabbed my hand to hold.

"So Crist, your mom was just saying you used to have cancer??" Kevin asked a little stunned, changing the subject.

"Well ya, but the doctors caught it very early and well, I'm fine now."

Brian all of a sudden looked very scared. "Oh my Lord, and you're sure you're fine?" He asked with genuine concern.

"I Was like 12 or 13. I'm fine now." I replied to ease his worries

It didn't work. He still looked unsure. "Is there any chance of it coming back?"

"Oh ya. I'm always at the that risk, well almost everyone is, but the odds of that happening are very slim.

"Wow. I feel so bad for you. That must have been awful, but how come I've never heard it before?" Kevin asked.

"I requested the hospital that it be kept strictly confidential. I really didn't want rumors flying around every two months that I had cancer again."

Just then I saw the blinds slowly moving. I quickly turned to Brian, who didn't notice yet. "Brian whatever happens, I still want to go to the World Trade Towers with you later. Okay?"

I received a weird and confused looks from everybody, including Brian. "Umm... Sure." He answered uncertainly. "Oh, hey look! They're opening the blinds." Brian had finally noticed them. "... but they sure are doing it very slowly."

Alex and Cindy started bring out the food. He passed what they had, keeping Brian occupied while the blinds crept open. We all started eating, making comments about the food, until Brian, very scared asked where we were. "Chris... Chris..." He tried to get my attention.

"Ya?"

"Where are we?" His voice was shaking. The blinds themselves were starting to get pulled back. So I decided that Brian would face his fear now.

I got up and motioned for him to come. "Here, come here." He followed me over to the window and stood a couple steps back. The whole table was staring at us in silence. "Brain, come on, you can't stay that far away."

He slowly stepped up asking, "Chris, where are we?"

"Now where do you think we are?" I responded in a silly tone.

"The World Trade Towers?" He was till shaking but at least he was by the window and more importantly, by me.

"Uh-huh. Now just one more step and you can see straight down." I pointed my finger to where he should stand.

He took one small step and looked down. His hand started to tremble and then the rest of his body followed. "Chris..." He said in a panic. "CHRIS... Help I'm going to..."

I immediately pulled him into a hug, not letting him finish saying that he was going to faint. His trembling slowly subdued as his crying got more and more intense. "Chris, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He managed to say through the tears. "I tried... I tried."

"Brian, it's okay." I said soothingly. "You did great. It's okay." I held him for a little longer as the crying stopped. It felt so right having him in my arms and I could've stayed like that for forever. I think he felt that way too, I don't know how he could not have. The hug lasted for what felt like eternity, but was in reality only a few seconds. He gently pulled away, sniffling and wiping his eyes. "Do you want to go to your hotel?" I asked.

"Oh no." He stated looking at me. "I want to stay here."

"Good." I smiled. "I didn't want you to go." I accidentally slip out.

"Really?" He looked rather shocked, unbelieving.

"Ya. Of course, why would I?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe you'd be tired of me or something." He replied sheepishly being very unsure of himself. I thought he was crazy for thinking that. "I could never be tired of you. Trust me..." There was the phrase again. "I could never get tired of you." I didn't care how gay that sounded. "Now are you going to be okay?"

He nodded a yes.

"Good, now let's sit down and eat. I'm starved." I said rubbing my stomach. He giggled and I just smiled at how cute he was.

We sat back down at the table and Kevin was the 1st to speak. "Brian, you okay?"

"Ya. I'm fine, just a little shaky there for a moment."

"Man, that looked a lot more than shaky." AJ interjected.

"He was very brave for doing that. He confronted a fear of his and although it was scary, he'll be a stronger person for it." I answered boldly for Brian. He was in an emotional state , that didn't need to be asked a million questions. No one said a word. "Okay, we can all go back to eating now." I said lightly, trying to brighten the mood.

We started eating again and then my dad began a conversation that must have been at least two or three hours, all based on the words "So guys, what's the story on you?" My god, they talked for so long, but I basically stayed out of it and for some reason, Brian did too. I couldn't stop thinking about hugging him and in turn I didn't catch 99.9% of the conversation.

"Chris, what do you think about it?" Jes asked bringing me back.

I hadn't a clue as to what she was asking. "Umm... I think it's great."

"What?!?" Everyone yelled. Apparently I choose the wrong answer. "You think it's a good idea for there to be a full blown war in Europe?"

"Oh no... I didn't catch the question right." I recovered. How in the world they got talking about a war, is beyond my comprehension.

"Well do you think this think in Kosovo is going to turn into a full blown wary?" Kevin asked.

"Hey with Clinton in there, who knows. Anything is possible." I answered honestly.

"You don't like him then?" Amanda inquired.

"Of course not. That man is wacked up in the head, so much that it's not even funny."

"Well I think he's doing a great job." She argued back.

"A GREAT JOB???" My dad yelled. To say the least, my parents are not Clinton supporters.

"Hey guys, let's not get into it. This had been a very enjoyable evening thus far. Let's keep it that way." I said calmly. I didn't want a fight.

"Well honey, it is getting late. Your dad and I are going to head to the hotel." My mom said starting to get up. She looked tired.

I was surprised that she wasn't staying at my place. "Mom, how come you're not staying with me? I'd love to have you guys."

"Oh that's okay. We're only here for tonight, and we're leaving at 6:00, so we'll be up at 4:00 and I'm sure you won't be awake at that time."

"Alright." I responded disappointedly. I wished that I would have gotten to see them

longer. "Do you want me to call a limo for you?"

That's where Jes jumped in. "Actually honey, I'm getting tired too, so I'll just take them.: She turned to my parents. "That's if it's okay with you?" She asked.

"That'd be wonderful." My mom replied.

"It was nice meeting you Mr. and Mrs. Williamson." Kevin said getting up from the table. The rest of us also stood, following Kevin's example. The guys all said their goodbye's and I walked my parents with Jes to the elevator. We did the little hug thing, I gave Jes a kiss saying I'd call her and then they left. I got back to the table and they were all getting ready to leave.

"You're all leaving, then?" I asked.

"Ya, I'm beat, and I'm sure every one else is too." Kevin yawned, getting nods from everyone, but Brian.

"Okay, well I'm going to stay here for a little longer and admire the city." I loved sitting and watching the city from this height. For as long as I had been in Manhattan, it never got old. I needed time to think also, and that was the perfect place to do it.

"Cool. Well guys let's go." Kevin commanded.

"Umm... Kev. I'm going to stay here too." Brian said shyly. "Is that okay with you Chris?"

Like he needed an answer. "Ya, that would be great!" I answered excitedly.

"Okay. Whatever." Kevin shrugged. "See ya tomorrow Chris." "See ya." I smiled back. As everyone passed by, they all said their goodbyes. When they were all in the elevator I took a big stretch. "Ahh..." I said gently over my yawn. "So... what do you want to do?" I asked Brian.

"I want to try the window again." He said with a determined look.

"Are you sure?" I asked worried.

"Yes. I really want to do this."

"Okay, well come on..." I walked to the window, him following a couple steps behind. His hand was shaking lightly, but that was it. He took a couple more steps and was up to the window. He wasn't trembling or anything. He looked at me for approval and I gave him a big warm smile. "Good Job. See, it's not that bad is it?"

He was looking out the windows in awe. "You know I never realized how beautiful this city really is."

"I don't think you can ever fully realize its beauty." I said staring out the window with the same look of awe on my face. We were looking out at the Empire State building. It was such a magnificent night to be looking over the city. Normally it stays hazy and foggy all day.

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was cute, every time he saw something he recognized, his face lit up. Seeing him so happy, I never would have guessed that he was scared of heights. "So you're okay?"

"It's so breath taking, I'm still scared of heights," It was just flowing then he took a thinking pause and started up again, with a bit of intrigue in his voice He was still gazing out the window, speaking as if he wasn't really thinking of what to say. "but for some reason I feel so comfortable... So protected here... with y..." He cut off.

"Yes...?" I wanted him to finish.

He turned and looked me in the eyes. "With you. I just feel as though you won't let anything hurt me. I don't know why, I guess cause we get a long so well."

I'd go to any length to keep him safe. "You know I'd never let anyone or anything hurt you." I said passionately. I wanted to kiss him so badly. The air was so right for it, the lights were dim, we were alone, overlooking a beautiful vista and we were so close. I was right beside him, but something held me back. If he would have moved a millimeter closer, I would have done it. But I just couldn't make that first move.

Without even thinking about it, he shot a question at me, already knowing in his heart, the answer. "Why can't you tell me what you were going to say at the table?"

I broke our stare and went to the table. I sat with my head in my hands, thinking about what I should do. 'Do I tell him? Or do I make up a lie? I can't keep this in much longer.' I didn't give my mind anytime to decide before I looked up and saw him staring at me with concert. I knew right then I had to tell him. "Brian, how do you fell about gay people?" I needed to know this first.

"I... I don't know. We don't choose our sexuality, so...."

"So you think it's okay?" I asked interrupting him.

"Well..." 'Brian, this is it, tell him. Don't back away.' He told himself.

"Well I don't know. I tell myself they can't help it, but yet God says it's wrong. So I guess I don't think it's okay." His words were set in stone right then, and they hit me like a ten ton boulder. That was it for me. 'It's not love Crist. You set yourself up for it. He's a straight Southern Baptist. You knew that and you still thought there may have been a chance. How stupid can you be?' I tried not show my disappointment, my despair, my tears.

While I was scolding myself in my mind, Brian was doing the same in his. 'Why did you say that???!!!??? You're such a coward. You don't even deserve to have a friend like Chris when all you do is lie... I don't lie! I'm telling him. That's it. Right now.'

Brian started to speak. "Chris, I'm...

Hope you guys liked it...

A note to my proofreaders... sorry I didn't use you guys this time. I just needed to get this out as soon as possible. I only proofread it once, so there are probably still some little incoherent parts here and there, but I'm sure you'll get an idea of what's going on '-)

You can email me at brianandcrist@hotmail.com for any comments, suggestions, or criticisms. If you have ICQ, my number is 42421978.

I'm outta here. Till next time

tre