Author's Notes --------------
Imagine my surprise to discover that I actually have more than two readers. I have three! Hey, it was a big moment for me ;-)
Those who might notice the fact this is being posted only three days after the last one can thank my pal ShannyGrl@aol.com. She'll probably get pissed at me for publishing her e-mail, but oh well. After all, she is a (UGH) Red Wings fan. *DJ takes a moment to cough up a hairball after that * ACK!! She deserves whatever punishment she gets.
Ya know, one would think that, being a registered homosexual, I would be far less susceptible to that whole 'chick guilt' thing. I'm not. So, you get another posting. Again, be sure to thank ShannyGrl@aol.com. A LOT.
Hehehehe...oh but DJ's in a bizarre mood tonight. Anyway, I know you're all wanting to get to the story. So, without further ado...Enjoy!
Disclaimer ----------
The story contained here is entirely in the (possibly unbalanced) mind of its author. As much as I might like to bear Kevin's children (which would be nothing short of a miracle), I have no idea if he or any of the other BSB is actually gay. If they are, and they read this, they should certainly exercise their right to free speech and e-mail me to complain all about it. Readers should enjoy the fantasy, but remember that reality may be (and probably is) dramatically different.
Don't read this little tale of love if you're too young where you live. Don't read this little tale of love if it's illegal where you live. If either of those two things applies to where you live, I recommend that you MOVE!!!
And now...'Forever'...
Chapter 37
I hit the button for the speakerphone when I got back to my place. I'd decided to take a cruise all the way around the Bay. Normally, I'd hit the Skyway and turn around, driving back the way I'd come. But, I'd felt like a longer run this time, so I'd continued down around the south end of the bay before heading back north up the east side on I-75.
The familiar stuttered dial tone greeted me from my phone. I had messages, I guess. I dialed up the retrieval number for my voice mail and was told by that sexy automated voice that I had five messages. That surprised me a little, as I normally got maybe one or two messages a week, much less five in the same day.
The first voice to greet me was Lindsay's.
"Hey, sweetie, it's me," Lindsay's voice came through. "I just wanted to remind you that you're taking care of Joey for me this week. I'm leaving today for my little cruise of the Caribbean. You've got the spare key and everything. I'll talk to you when I get back next weekend."
It was a good thing that she'd reminded me. With all that'd happened in the last two days, I'd totally forgotten that today was the day she was going on her cruise.
The next four messages were all from the same person. I was a little surprised to hear his voice, as I hadn't heard from him since I'd moved to Florida.
"Hey, Dylan, it's your brother. I need to talk to you as soon as you get this," Jeremy's voice said. He sounded...tired? It was always a little hard to read Jeremy's tone. He was a pretty naturally quiet person.
"Dylan, it's Jeremy again. Call me, bro," he came on again.
"Dylan, man, I hope you're not purposely ignoring me. Please call, dude, it's important," yet a third time it was him.
"Dylan, it's been a few hours now. I'm gonna have to take off. Call and talk to Kris if you get this. She'll be home."
I wondered what was up. Jeremy and I hadn't really talked in a while. We usually got by with e-mail rather than phone calls. He wasn't really a talkative type, so phone calls were a little uncomfortable for him.
Even given the urgency in his messages, I still debated calling back today. I was a little depressed, and conversation with Jer was always a workout. His natural quiet state made it tough to really hold much of a talk with him. Besides, he'd been on this mini-crusade since Gram's funeral to get Dad and I speaking again. In some ways, I was glad he cared. In others, I wished he'd just leave well enough alone. I had no real desire to experience that whole scene again.
I decided I'd better go ahead and call. I glanced at the clock. It was already goin' on 10:00 here, so I knew it was only 8:00 at his place. I picked up and dialed, quickly hearing a familiar female voice.
"Hello?" Kris answered.
"Hey, Kris, it's Dylan. I just got home to a shitload of messages from Jeremy. What's up?" I got right to the point. As much as I liked Kris, I was tired and didn't feel like exchanging meaningless pleasantries.
"Dylan, it's about your dad," she began. I sighed before interrupting her.
"Kris, if this is another one of J's attempts to get us," I started before she cut me off.
"Dylan, he's dead," she said quickly. I didn't even register what she said as I kept going.
"talking, I don't really," I paused then, my brain finally processing what she'd said. "What?"
"He...died yesterday, Dylan. I guess he had an accident. Something about Tony throwing him," she said calmly. Tony was a wild stallion that Dad had adopted a few years before. For the most part, he had settled down to be a pretty decent, if temperamental, horse. But I could see him bucking Dad if something pissed him off or spooked him. He tended to be a little more twitchy than most horses, having been raised in the wild.
But, Dad had been thrown before. He had six horses, all of which he'd broken to saddle himself. It wasn't that unusual to get planted on his ass once in a while. In fact, it was pretty normal. His ass was probably his heartiest body part. Except for that thick head that I'd inherited.
I pulled myself out of my thoughts. Somehow, I'd ended up sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall beside the phone table. Kris was tryin' to get my attention.
"Dylan, are you there? Answer me!" her voice was a little panicked.
"Sorry, Kris, I just got zoned for a second," I said. I was amazingly calm. But, I knew from past experience that things would hit me soon enough. Death tended to produce a five minute delay in my brain. But, it would sink in eventually. It always did.
"Jeremy wanted me to tell you that you should go home. Even if things were bad between you and the family, you are still part of it, and you should be there," she said firmly. I wasn't so sure that I agreed with her about still being in the family, but I decided not to press the point.
"Yeah, ok. I'll call for a flight right now. I doubt I'll be able to get anything tonight," I told her.
"I know. Jeremy already took off for Bismarck. I'm flyin' over in the morning to meet him. I had some things I needed to get arranged here before I could leave. I'll let him know you'll be there tomorrow," she said.
"Ok. I'd better go. I'll talk to you later," I said.
I hung up and just sat there for a minute. I had no idea what I should do, no idea how to react. Dad was gone. There would never be a reconciliation between us. I would always live with the fact that my father thought of me as worthless. He went to the grave believing that. Maybe he hadn't even considered me his son anymore.
It finally sank in, as I knew it would, and I felt the pain of the loss. I guess that, no matter the consequences of our last few months, in my heart he was still my dad. And on some level, I would always miss him. And regret that we'd never made things up. I guess death always brings regrets of some kind.
The tears finally came then. They flowed freely down my cheeks as a sob escaped my lips. Then another. My whole body began to shake as I leaned over and curled up on the floor. I cried for the loss of Dad. I cried for how our relationship had ended. And I cried for myself, knowing that I was a total failure in the eyes of someone whose respect I'd always secretly wanted and never seemed to get.
I don't know how long I lay there. It felt like an eternity. I eventually roused myself, shaking off the tears and taking control again. I could do that sometimes, in intense emotional situations. I could shut down, become totally logical, cold and in control. Mr. Spock, eat your heart out.
I pulled out the phone book and started calling airlines. I knew that convenient flights into Bismarck would be somewhere between zero and none. Even though it was the capital of the state, it was still a pretty small town. So, I got a flight into Minneapolis and arranged a rental car from there. It would be a long trip, but I would make it. I had to.
I called Kris and let her know my arrangements. She told me that she'd let Jeremy know, and that they'd see me tomorrow night. I agreed and hung up. I wasn't in the mood to talk more. And I knew I had a few other calls to make.
I called Lindsay's neighbor. I apologized for waking her up this late, but I explained the situation with Joey. She said it wasn't a problem, and that she'd take care of him. She expressed her sympathy, and I accepted it before hanging up.
I left a message with Anna and told her that I'd be out for at least a few days. The funeral wasn't until Wednesday, so I didn't figure I'd be back until the following week. I knew she'd understand. She was just that way.
I took a second to leave a message for Lindsay, letting her know what'd happened and that Joey would be ok. I also told her not to worry `bout me too much, even though I knew that telling her that was worthless. She'd do it anyway.
I had no way of reaching Kevin at his hotel in New York. He hadn't had any info on where they were staying when he left. I debated whether or not I should even try to get in touch with him. He was busy, after all. I finally decided to be selfish. I needed to at least talk to him.
I dug out my planner and looked up the number for his cell phone. I knew he had worldwide coverage. Or as worldwide as it was possible to get, anyway. Finding him in New York shouldn't be a problem.
He didn't answer when I called. I was pretty disappointed, but I knew that he was probably either sleeping already or out with the guys. He didn't often turn off his phone, and he'd never ignored it when it rang that I'd ever seen, so I figured something else had come up.
I left a message on his voice mail when it answered. Just hearing his recorded message, his voice, made me feel a little better. I let him know what'd happened, and my plans for tomorrow. I bitched a little that I had to go through Detroit on the way to Minneapolis, but it was more to avoid hanging up than because I figured it was important that he know. I finished by telling him I loved him and that I'd try to reach him tomorrow during my layover in Detroit.
I stumbled my way upstairs and fell on the bed. I was tired. I didn't even bother to strip down before falling asleep.
Chapter 38
My alarm woke me the next morning at 6:00. I quickly threw some things in a suitcase, called a cab, and headed for the airport. I paid the cabby, went inside, and checked my luggage.
I reached my gate with about 20 minutes to spare. I sat down and pulled out my headphones. I'd loaded up my CD case and discman first thing. I had to have my music to soothe my nerves. I had to have Kev's voice. I kept repeating Show Me The Meaning' and I Want It That Way', just to hear the two seconds he soloed in each one. It wasn't much, but I had to work with what I had available. I wondered if I could convince him to record a solo CD for me.
One of the gate personnel came over to me. I must've looked depressed, cause she seemed to know who I was and why I was travelling that day. She asked how I was doing, and if I needed anything. I smiled back and said that I was fine.
She pulled out a new boarding pass for me. Apparently, they'd had a cancellation in first class, so they'd bumped me up for the flight to Detroit. I was due to change there, so I figured that I wouldn't be in first for the Minneapolis leg, but ya take what you can get. I thanked her for the hospitality, and she walked back to the podium.
The flight was uneventful. When I was a kid, I loved to fly. I still did, actually, but that huge fascination I'd held when I was little had died out a bit. Dad was a pilot and he used to take...
My heart lurched a bit. Dad used to be a pilot. Not like commercial, just small, private planes. Cessna's and stuff. That was one thing that he and I had been able to love together. We both loved to fly, to soar above the clouds.
One of my happiest childhood memories was a trip that he and I had taken in a little plane he used to own. We went to pick up his dad for a visit. It was shortly before his dad had died. He let me help him navigate as he flew, checking out the window for landmarks and guiding him in different directions. I'm sure he really didn't get much from my help as I thought back on it, but I was ten years old. It was a pretty big thrill for me.
I sighed. That was one of the few good memories I had of Dad. Or of us together at least. Our relationship had always been stressed. Flying was one of the few things that we could both enjoy without the stress normally connected to our relationship. That joy eventually faded, too.
I had about an hour in Detroit to kill. I tried to call Kevin, but got his voice mail again. I tried really hard not to feel abandoned, or hurt. I knew that he was probably at his MTV thing. I left another message for him, just letting him know that I was in Detroit and that I'd try again tonight once I got to Bismarck.
I checked my own voice mail. The only message was from Anna, although it turned out to be welcome. She expressed her condolences and granted me the entire week off, with pay, and at no charge to my vacation time. I was amazed at her generosity. I figured I'd better come up with something to get her for a gift.
As I figured would happen, I hadn't been upgraded for this leg, although the gate attendant once again smiled in sympathy. I wasn't sure how so many people knew why I was flying, but I didn't really care enough to question it.
The flight to Minneapolis was the same as most of the others. I watched the takeoff from my window seat, as I always did. The thrill of speed, the exhilaration as we lifted into the sky, it still got my heart going. Once we were in the clouds, I leaned back and relaxed, 'Millennium' in my CD player, Nick's voice telling me `I Need You Tonight'. I still couldn't believe that I was friends with the guy. I actually managed to drift to sleep.
I woke when the attendant nudged me, reminding me that `the use of personal electronics is prohibited blah, blah, blah'. I shook myself awake and clued in to the fact that we were descending into Minneapolis. I nodded at the flight attendant, who was still watching to make sure I paid attention. I shut everything down and packed it in.
The worst part of any flight is that eternity between the wheels touching down and the pilot letting us out of our seats at the gate, not to mention the HOURS it took some people to gather their crap up. Ever notice how those people are ALWAYS at the front of the plane? Today, it seemed to take even longer than usual. Maybe it was just me.
I wandered up the jetway, dragging my carry-on behind me. I wasn't in any particular hurry. I had a long drive ahead of me, yet. But, it would probably do me good. In case it wasn't already obvious, driving was a kind of therapy for me.
I was so into my own world that I didn't hear when someone said my name. When that same someone grabbed my shoulder, I finally snapped out of it. I turned over in surprise.
"Nick?" I said in surprise. "What are you doin' here?" I looked over his shoulder. "Kev," I whispered. I nearly jumped into his arms, but Nick, obviously knowing exactly what I was thinking, kept a hand on my shoulder. I looked over, trying to be grateful that he'd stopped me. I wasn't too successful, though.
Kev obviously clued in to things immediately, too. He nodded at me before he looked around. He headed off, Nick pushing me to follow him. We made our way to another VIP waiting area. I didn't know how I'd managed to miss all these places when I traveled. Oh yeah, I wasn't considered a VIP. That'd probably explain it.
We walked into the lounge, and then he was there. Holding me. Feeling so good in my arms. I just started to cry for a minute. How had he known how badly I needed this? Needed HIM? I didn't know and I didn't care at that moment.
"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in New York," I whispered against his neck. I refused to let go unless he made me. And he didn't seem to have much intention of that.
"When I got your message last night, I decided to try to catch you. I let the other guys know what had happened, they send their condolences, by the way," I nodded at that. It was nice of them to think of me.
"Nick decided that you could use a couple of friendly faces, so he said he'd come along. We were due to fly back tomorrow, anyway, and the other guys agreed to fill in for us on MTV," he explained.
"What about Allen?" I wondered about their manager. Nick decided to field this one.
"Screw `im, man. We were supposed to be off, anyway. If it weren't for that brilliant idea to send us off on durin' our down time, Kev, and me, would've been around for you instead of off in New York. Besides, I'm still," Nick started to say something else, but Kev interrupted.
"Nick, that's enough, man. Let's just leave it there," he shut Nick off rather abruptly.
"No, Kev, I won't. You and I both know exactly why Allen pulled that shit, and I'm tellin' Dylan that he doesn't need to be worried about Al. We took care of it."
I let it go there. I had an idea of what Nick was getting at, but I really didn't give a shit about Allen's paranoia over my relationship with Kev. There were a helluva lot more important things hangin' around my mind at the moment. So, I just listened while Kev continued his little story.
"So, anyway, I figured we could probably get here before you if we took off early enough. When we got in, I checked for flights from Detroit, and one of the airline folks checked out which ones you could possibly've taken to get here. They wouldn't tell me which flight you were on, damn laws or somethin'," I smiled at his irritation at the FAA, "but we figured it out eventually."
I just nodded against him. Oh, he felt so good. I knew that this could be a rough few days, and I knew that there would be problems with his management when we got back, but I was still glad he was there. Probably a little selfish of me. But, I was past givin' a shit.
"Kev, you gotta know things're gonna be...tense here. Are you sure you wanna do this?" I asked. He lifted my head with a finger under my chin. I lost myself in those eyes of his for a minute.
"Dylan, how can you even ask that?" He sounded a little hurt. I immediately felt bad. "I don't care about all that other stuff goin' on. I just know that you lost someone in your life. And, I'd bet that you feel at least a little guilty that you two never worked it out," he looked me straight in the eye. Damn, he was good. "I needed to be here, to help you through it, if I could."
"What exactly did I ever do to deserve you?" I asked.
"Crashed your car into our bus," Nick made himself known. I chuckled and looked over at him.
"Excuse me, Mr. Big-N-Famous-Teen-Idol-O-Millions? I believe it was YOUR bus that crashed into MY car!" We all laughed, but Nick had succeeded in easing the moment.
We made our way out of the lounge then. I hadn't wanted to leave Kevin's arms at the moment, but I knew we needed to get on the road. It was still a long drive to Bismarck.
I stopped at the baggage area to pick up my stuff before heading towards the rental car counter. Kev apparently had other transportation in mind. He grabbed my arm as I turned, pulling me towards the terminal exit instead. I just shot a question at him, wondering what he'd done. Nick had that evil little glint in his eye, the one he got when he was about to pull something on me that I wouldn't necessarily agree with.
We walked out the door, and I knew why it was that he was looking like that. A long black limo was pulled up just to the side. Nick walked straight towards it. Tom was standing next to the back door. I stopped a second, looking at Kev with a raised eyebrow.
"Sweetie, none of us is really in any shape to drive. This'll give all of us a chance to unwind a bit," he said. I hesitated. He leaned in close for his next argument.
"I wanna be able to hold you, D. Nick didn't get any sleep last night, so there's no way he could drive it. Tom's good to go, and this way, you and I can talk or just...be together. Please?" I never could resist him when he went into `puppy dog' mode. "Besides, Tom here'll feel pretty rejected if we don't let him drive us," he smiled and nodded to Tom, who simply nodded back. I caved in, of course, and just turned to get into the limo.
I had to admit, it was better than driving ourselves up. While I love to drive, now that Kev was here I knew I'd rather snuggle up with him in a limo than try to drive us myself.
Nick had already crawled in and staked out the seat behind Tom. He lay sprawled across it. I gathered Kev was right about his lack of sleep last night, cause he was already starting to snore.
I climbed in next. I felt Kev's hand on my back for a second. It was nice. Comforting. He followed me in before Tom shut the door.
"Tom'll stick around to drive us when we need it," he said. "I told him we'd probably be heading back Friday, but it's no big deal if it's later. He's still gettin' paid by the Firm." I thought he sounded a little smug that his management company was paying for his little trip up here. I did get a little sense of irony here, too, since I'd gathered that the managers had no idea where they were.
I nodded. I was pretty sure that we'd be done by then. The funeral was Wednesday, and, if things went the way I expected, I didn't think anyone would be begging me to stay. Actually, in spite of Jeremy's assurances, I would be surprised if someone didn't ask me to leave before the funeral even came up.
We made pretty decent time to Bismarck. Winter had been as mild in the north country as it'd been everywhere else, so the roads were still in good shape. I had to admit that it was nice not having to worry about staying awake as we headed out across the plains.
I spent the whole trip snuggled up to Kev. I fell asleep again not too long after we started out. There was just something about Kev's presence that made me feel safe, secure. I knew that he was here, the rock I could lean on when things got tough this week. And they would get tough.
He'd turned sideways on the seat, leaning against the side of the car with his legs stretched out on the bench. I had lain down in between them, resting my head on his chest and wrapping an arm around him. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it gave me the best feel of him. His lightly stroking the back of my neck with one hand is pretty much what put me to sleep.
He woke me up just before we got there. Tom needed directions, so I woke up Nick and had him sit so I could guide Tom. Mom and Dad lived...that is, Mom lived outside of town a little bit.
It was sometime after midnight when we got in. I knew that Jeremy, at least, would be waiting for me at Mom and...at the house.
Tom pulled in, and I saw that there were lights still on. We climbed out of the limo. I paused there, just staring up at the house. I hadn't been here in a while. And the last time I was here, things were still `normal' between my folks and I. Kev's hand on my shoulder shook me out of my zone, so I led them into the house.
Kris was sitting at the dining room table when we came inside. I was surprised to see her. I figured I'd beat her here since she was leaving later than me. But, I didn't bother to think too hard about it.
Jeremy walked in from the kitchen when he heard us. He didn't say anything. He just walked up and hugged me. I wasn't actually sure how to take that. He hadn't hugged me in longer than I could remember. I gradually hugged him back.
"Hey, Jer," I said by way of greeting, "how're ya doin'?"
"Ok, Dylan. You?" He gave me a questioning look as he pulled away. I could tell he'd been crying a little, but, like Dad, he kept it to himself. Men didn't show emotion, after all. Didn't show weakness. That was another area where Dad had considered me a failure.
"I've been doin' fine," I responded. I saw the look he threw behind me. "Jeremy, I'd like you to meet my...friends. This is Nick, Tom, and Kevin. Guys, this is my brother Jeremy and his wife, my sister-in-law Kristin."
Jeremy shook hands with the guys, tossin' out the usual meaningless greeting phrases. Kristin stood and came over to us. She gave me a hug, then shook hands with the others. She gave Nick a look of vague recognition.
"You look very familiar, Nick. Have I met you before?" I almost laughed. It was doubtful they'd ever met, but Kris was a teacher. There were probably posters of Nick plastered all over the rooms and lockers of half her students. Nick just shook his head at her.
"No, I'm pretty sure we've never met, although Dylan's talked a lot about you," he replied. He looked over at Kev, apparently asking for permission to say who they were. Kev just nodded. To my surprise, Nick looked over at me next. I just shrugged. I didn't figure it was any of my business.
"Actually, Kev and I are part of a singing group. The Backstreet Boys?" he said the last with a question in his voice, obviously not sure if she'd have heard of them. Recognition dawned on Kris' face. I was just glad that she didn't go all goofy over them.
"Of course. I think about 1/2 of the girls I teach spend their lunch hour trying to figure out how to marry you," she said with a smile. I was glad that she seemed at ease. "And you, too, if you're THE Kevin," she said to Kev.
He shocked the hell outta me at that point. He moved over and put his arm around me. He smiled back at Kris, not the blinding light-up-the-darkest-room' smile but that quiet-Southern-boy' smile.
"I'm afraid that I'm already taken," he said, squeezing me tighter to him. Jeremy seemed...shocked, I guess. But, I think he was happy for me, too. Kris just smiled even more. I slid my hand around Kev's back and leaned against him.
"Damn, Dylan, how'd YOU manage to latch onto such a hot one, huh?" she joked. Jeremy looked over at her. She noticed, of course, but she just gave him a `chill' look.
"I've been asking Jeremy the same thing, Kris," I said, drawing a little blush out of her. Kev returned to the important stuff.
"Nick here's free, though. I'm sure he'd love to meet some of your students," Kev said with a little shove at Nick. Nick obviously didn't find it amusing. I decided to move to more serious topics.
"Jeremy," I began, a note of sadness in my tone. Kev squeezed me closer to him again. "What happened to Dad?" My brother gestured for us to sit down around the table. Kev sat next to me, taking my hand in his and locking our fingers together.
"He took Tony out for a ride on Saturday afternoon, I guess. Mom said he's been riding a lot since Gram's funeral," he paused to look at me. Dad went riding alone for one of two reasons. Either he wanted to check on his cattle or he wanted to think. And he didn't have any cattle at the place right now. I knew Jeremy figured Dad was riding because of me. I refused to believe it, to give myself that out.
"I'm sure he missed Gram. He was never one to show how things affected him," I said, not acknowledging his hint. Jeremy just sighed and continued.
"Tony showed up several hours later, without Dad. Mom called the police, and they, along with some neighbors, started looking for him. They didn't find him that night, although they did keep looking. His body," he choked a bit, "was found the next morning. I guess Ton must've spooked and thrown him. They'd apparently been at the edge of a ravine when it happened. Dad was thrown down into it and hit his head. The coroner figures the head trauma was severe enough to've killed him immediately. It was a freak accident, but..."
"those just seem to follow us around," I finished the sentence for him, nodding. I'd already figured that it had to've been more than just getting bucked off. Dad had been on, and off of, horses his entire life. Getting thrown, even at his age, wouldn't kill him now.
"How's Mom doing?" This was apparently a touchy subject as both of them tensed a little.
"She's been...ok. We finally got her to sleep a little over an hour ago. Losing them both this soon has been tough on her," he said quietly. I knew he meant Gram. Even though Gram had been Dad's mom, my mom had been pretty close to her, too. Losing Dad alone would be hell for her. Losing them both was worse.
I wasn't sure what to say at this point. Kev obviously picked up on my hesitation. He lifted my hand in his, taking it to his lips. He placed a kiss against my skin, staring at me as I watched him. I just became focused on what he was doing. I almost forgot about anyone else in the room.
I felt Nick put a hand on my shoulder and kinda squeeze it. It was more a show that he was there for me if I needed it than anything else, really. And, I appreciated it a lot.
I snapped out of my gaze at Kevin and looked over at Jeremy. There was a strange look on his face. It took me a minute to figure it out. When I did, I immediately put a stop to what he was thinking about Kev, Nick, and I, specifically about the nature of our relationship.
"Jeremy, don't even go there," I said firmly, angry that my own brother would assume something like that. Obviously, he wasn't expecting that reaction from me. He snapped out of it, blushing a little, which told me I was right.
I roused myself and stood up from the table. Kevin was still holding my hand as he stood with me. He let go briefly, but only to pull me into his arms as he stepped behind me. I glanced over at my brother.
"We'd probably better get going," I started. Jeremy and Kris both looked surprised, and even Kevin tensed against me. "Jeremy, you know we can't stay here. I'm not gonna hide my relationship with Kev like it's some disgusting little secret. If we're here, then that's what's gonna be expected. I refuse to give anyone that satisfaction." Kev squeezed me a little harder. I was glad of his support.
"Dylan, you don't have to go," Jeremy said. "The fact is that no one's gonna get used to this," he motioned at Kev and I, "if you don't force the issue. I know that it'll be tough, but you're gonna have to do it. Make everyone face it," he finished. I could tell Kris agreed. I turned to look at Kev. He just gave me a light kiss and nodded.
"Even Mom?" I asked softly. I knew that would strike a nerve in them, and it did. Jeremy just looked at me for a second.
"Even Mom, Dylan. She needs to get past her...fear of this, of you being gay. She won't do it if she's never forced to," he said.
"But are you sure this is the right time for that?" I wondered.
"Dylan, if you don't just do it, there's always gonna be some excuse. Something will always come up. Mom needs to be forced to confront it now, when she's got us around to help her understand," he paused, gathering his thoughts.
"Bro, she's gonna be alone now. If she doesn't get you back, it's just gonna make that feeling worse in the long run. She's gotta come to terms with you so she can have you in her life again," he said firmly. I was...well, stunned. I think this conversation was probably the longest one that Jeremy and I had ever had uninterrupted.
"Oh, alright. Fine. Y'all win," I gave in. My logical side took charge for a bit. "Nick, Tom, I'm afraid you'll have to double up in the room downstairs, or one of you can take a couch, I guess," I turned to them. They just nodded, obviously ok with that. I looked over at my bro and sis-in-law. "You guys are in the end bedroom?" They nodded back. "Ok, then Kev and I'll take the middle room," I said firmly. If I was gonna do this, then I guessed I'd better just do it.
We all pretty much split up, then. The guys and I went out to help Tom grab the luggage. We all went to our respective rooms. It'd been a long day, for everyone.
I closed the door behind us once we got to our room. I turned and took Kev in my arms. He knew I just needed to be held. I'd said it before, but damn he was good. He held me for a few minutes as I felt the tension ease out of me.
Kev and I slowly stripped each other down. There was nothing sexual between us at that point. Nothin' beyond the usual `background noise' that always seemed to hum between us, anyway. We were both too tired to want more. And I was a little too down to really wanna press the issue, anyway.
I'd heard or read or something that, to some people, sex is a natural reaction to a death of a loved...of someone in your life. It sort of reaffirmed life, helped bring things to focus. I guess I wasn't one of those people. At least not tonight.
Kev slipped under the covers, pulling me down beside him. I cuddled up next to him, feeling the safety of his arms around me. I could hear the strong, steady rhythm of his heart. It was so comforting.
"I love you, Kev. Thank you for coming with me. For helping me through this," I said softly, turning my head to kiss his skin lightly.
"I love you, too, D. I'll always be there for you when you need me. I hope you always know that," He whispered back. I just nodded against him as I drifted to sleep, the feeling of his hand stroking the back of my neck sending me off to my dreams.
Chapter 39
I woke up the next morning before Kevin did, taking a minute to just look at him. He was even more beautiful when he slept. No tension, no worry, nothing. Just...peace.
I slid out of bed, trying hard not to wake him. I threw on a pair of shorts and walked out the door as I was pulling my t-shirt on. Mom and Jeremy were at the dining room table having coffee. I'd never been much of a coffee drinker, so I just poured myself some milk before joining them. There was silence for several minutes before I finally spoke.
"Hi, Mom," I said. She just looked at me for a second.
"What are you doing here, Dylan?" she asked.
"I'm...I'm here for Dad's funeral," I said, trying not to sound too obvious.
"I don't think that's a good idea," she replied.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"You know how your father felt about your...lifestyle, Dylan," her voice was stern.
"Dad was a close-minded bigot, so I should've stayed away, is that it?" I was gettin' ticked, now. After that, things just went to hell.
The next sound in the room was that of her palm connecting with my face. A nice, loud crack. I was rather amazed at the strength she put into it. After I got past the ringing in my ears, anyway.
"How dare you talk about him like that. You have no right to say those things about him, especially considering how you repaid all he did for you," she said, her voice harsh.
"What? How did I repay `all he did for me'?" I said, sarcasm dripping from my every word.
"You turned your back on everything he was, on all that he taught you. You threw your lifestyle in his face. Not only that, but you did it in front of people who'd been friends for years. You embarrassed him. You attacked him. And now you've killed him," she said.
I was...well, stunned to say the least. In her mind, all of this was my fault. The alienation, the fighting with Dad, and now even his dying.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, my voice calm and quiet again. "Dad had an accident."
"Yes, he did. An accident he never would've had if it hadn't been for you. He went riding almost every day, trying to figure out what went wrong with you, how he could make it right. He blamed himself for YOUR failure. He never would've gone out there if you had been the son he deserved. That we both deserved."
She just stared at me. I could see the anger in her eyes. Who was this woman? What had happened to the sweet mother who'd baked me cookies when I stubbed my toe running barefoot on the concrete sidewalk? Where had the woman gone who was there to comfort me when I struck out in the little league championships? The woman who'd been my den mother for cub scouts? Who'd cried a river when I received my high school diploma and Valedictory plaque? Who did the same thing years later when I received my college degree?
"I see. I guess it's good to know how you feel," I said. "My father throws me out of my family. He attacks me at my grandmother's funeral. He treats me like I'm...worthless, a piece of shit," I turned to Mom's eyes then, letting her see MY anger, "and you can actually sit there and tell me that it's MY fault?"
I just stared at her. I let the anger build. The anger that I'd held inside ever since Jeremy's wedding. I was furious at her. I was furious at him. They had abandoned me when I needed them to be there, and it was MY fault? I don't think so.
"Forget it," I said, breaking the stare. "This isn't worth it," I turned back to her. "I," pause, "will," pause, "NOT," pause, "be blamed for something I have no control over, certainly not now that I've found someone who makes all this shit worth it! I'm leaving. I'll take my friends, and we'll be out of your life again." I let the anger show in my eyes. "For good."
"No, you're not leaving," a voice broke into our stares. I jerked my head around to look at Kev. I guess the yelling had woken him up, judging by the fact that he was still wearing just his boxers. I hadn't heard him come in.
His eyes locked with mine. We silently battled it out, his will versus mine. I could almost feel sparks flying between his eyes and mine. Unfortunately, although I was pumped up on anger, there was no way I could win this. I'd met someone who could out-stubborn me. Or at least someone who was so far inside my own heart and mind that I was basically unable to resist him when he really put his mind into it.
"Fuck!" I yelled out, turning and throwing my full glass of milk against the wall. The splash pattern of the milk was very nice when it landed. The shattering glass just added to the effect. Maybe I could talk someone into making this an Olympic event. I was getting pretty good at `breakable-dish tossing'.
I stalked out of the room. I could hear Kevin saying my name behind me, but I ignored him. I walked outside on the patio. The morning was chilly, but I was so keyed up on adrenaline that I barely noticed it. I heard the door open behind me. I knew that it wasn't Kevin, though. I always knew when it was him.
"Hey, Dylan," Jeremy spoke up. I didn't bother to reply. "I guess that could've gone better," he said. I turned a withering stare on him. While it didn't work on Kevin, it did work on my brother. Too bad I hadn't had this weapon when he used to beat me up and take my toys when we were kids. I could've ruled the house.
"Well, it sure as fuck couldn't have gone worse," I snapped. I wanted to hit something, which was pretty unusual for me. I rarely turned to violence. I tended to internalize my battles rather than turn them physical, although that seemed to be changing in the last 6 months.
Jeremy didn't say anything. He just walked over to stand next to me, staring off into the distance.
Most people would say that the plains are drab and boring. Maybe they were right. But it was still the only place I'd ever been where you could just see...forever. As strange as it may sound, it was the only place where I felt...close to the hand of God.
The door opened again. I didn't turn around. I didn't need to. I could already feel who'd walked through it. Jeremy, while ungifted in the sixth `Kev-sense' that I had developed recently, figured out who it was pretty quickly, anyway, and beat a hasty retreat.
Kev walked over to stand behind me. I still didn't turn around. I was so angry. So frustrated. So...hurt, I realized. It all disappeared. The anger, the frustration, all of it. My shoulders hunched, my tension drained. The instant that he touched me, I turned and collapsed in his arms, crying against his shoulder.
"Shhhh, it's alright, D, just let it out," he said, coaxing me back against the patio railing so I had something to lean on. I was being held up by him on one side, the railing on the other.
"Why are you making me stay here, Kevy?" I was practically whimpering. "Why can't we just go home, forget all this crap, be together, make love, buy a house, adopt a dog, everything?"
"Because, Dylan. If you don't resolve this, it's gonna haunt you forever. You lost your dad before you could work things out. What do you think would happen if you lost your mother in the same position?" he asked softly, running his hands up and down my back. He took a breath to continue.
"Sweetie," as sappy as it was, I still loved it when he called me that, "your mom's angry right now. My mom got the same way when Dad died a while back. And she had some warning that it was coming. Your mom was caught by surprise, which just makes it that much harder. She hasn't had time to prepare for it." I froze, pushing away from him.
"How can you do that? How can you make excuses for her, for what she's done, for what she's still doing? Did you even hear her in there?" I was yelling now. I was lashing out, and, unfortunately, he was taking the brunt of it. "God, she practically accused me of murdering my father. She thinks everything's my fault. Dammit, I didn't do anything! I didn't choose any of this."
I turned away from him, then. I stared off at the horizon. Maybe this is where my love of watching the sky came from. Up here, sky was almost all you could see.
"I wish I'd never come here," I said quietly. "I wish I'd never been born," I said it before I realized it. I hadn't intended to say it. Out loud anyway. It struck a nerve.
"How the FUCK can you say that?" He grabbed me by the arm and yanked me around to face him. He was in my face, literally, yelling at me now. He was...well, furious!
"How can you even fuckin' think that?" Two `fuck's in a row. Uh oh. "God dammit, Dylan, do you have any clue how many people would be hurt if you weren't here? Lindsay, Nick, your brother and Kris?" He paused to move in even closer. His voice was quieter then, "me? What would my life be like without you?"
I knew what I was about to say was wrong. I knew it was cold. I had retreated inside again, and all that was left was...nothing. I knew I was about to hurt Kevin, but to the part of me in control, it didn't matter. I needed him to hurt as much as I was hurting. It didn't matter how stupid that was.
"If I'd never lived, Kev, than you probably would've found someone else by now. Someone who deserved you, and who you deserved to be with. And he probably wouldn't be standing at his parent's house, arguing with you...hating you for taking her side against him. For forcing him to go through all of this again," I said softly, staring into his eyes as a tear slid down from my own.
He looked into my soul, trying to see...what, I didn't know. Nothing showed in my eyes. There was nothing inside, so there was nothing to show outside. Finally, he turned away and walked into the house. Part of me knew I should go after him. Part of me didn't care.
The next thing I knew, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I'd disappeared into my zone, that little place in my mind. The shelter from the world when I needed it. The escape from the pain when I couldn't handle it.
I came out of it in a daze. I was in a corner of the patio, sitting huddled up with my legs pulled up to my chest. At some point, it'd started to rain. Normally, it would've been snow, but it had been too warm this year. Lucky for me, I guess. Still, I was soaked to the bone.
"Dylan?" a voice asked. I eventually tuned in enough to realize it was Nick. "Man, are you alright? What're you doin' out here? Where's Kev?"
"Nick, just go away," I sighed, my voice a barely a breath on the wind. I closed my eyes, turning to lean my head against the railing. Tears were running down my face, but I don't think it was really noticeable in the rain.
"Dylan, you know I'm not gonna do that," he said. I felt him move in to sit next to me. He put his arm around me and pulled my head down on his shoulder. I resisted, of course, but not very hard. His warmth, his friendship, was nice. I felt so cold inside. So empty.
"I've made so many mistakes in life, Nicky," he didn't seem to mind the nickname this time, "so many mistakes that I've lost count." my voice faded.
I'd known exactly what I was doing when I lashed out at Kevin. I'd known that it would hurt him. And I'd done it anyway. I couldn't ask him to forgive me. I wouldn't. Not this time. He deserved better. He deserved more. Dad had been right. I was a failure, a `worthless excuse for a man'.
I drifted away again. My mind just went...elsewhere. I lost touch with everything around me. There was really no reason to stay. The only reason I had for wanting to stay, wanting to move on, was Kev. Without him, nothing really mattered anymore.
I felt Nick shake me again. This time, I ignored it. I'd never done that before. Never purposely retreated deeper inside myself. This time, I couldn't deal anymore. The weight was too much, and the reasons for leaving too many. I turned and ran.
I could feel my body shivering. I guess the rain had finally soaked in enough to make me feel it. I ignored that, too. Maybe I'd get sick. Maybe I'd die. Things would be better if I was gone, right?
If I'd been in any way rational, I would've seen what I was doing. What was happening to me. I'd suffered through depression in the past. I think everyone does, although some to different degrees. Mine had been...bad. I was slipping into one again. I guess Dad's death was affecting me worse than I'd expected.
When I'd been depressed before, it'd been because of what I'd never had. There was always some little glimmer of hope that could eventually bring me out of it. Now, I'd had it all. I'd had the love of a great guy. And I'd struck out at him in anger, in hurt. Now my depression was self-induced. The hope wasn't there anymore. I'd had everything that meant anything, and I'd kicked it in the ass and sent it packing.
Without Kev, I couldn't handle all this crap anymore. I'd never realized how badly I needed him to anchor me right now. To help me through everything. Without him, there wasn't any point to it. Somewhere far away, I could hear Nick yelling at someone. Me, maybe? Kevin? I couldn't tell. It didn't matter. I just kept going.
To be continued... ------------------
Author's Final Note:
There's been a concerned reader or two (I'd say there's more, but that'd blow my whole 'three readers gag' outta the water!) who've questioned the sometimes dark and lonely nature of DJ's existence.
While Dylan's life is pretty heavily based on mine, I've spun a few details enough that there are some chasm-sized differences. For example, I get along very well with my folks. I love 'em both dearly. They both know I'm gay, and they're both fine with it. There is also the minor fact that I've never even met the BSB, except in the realm of my imagination.
I have, in my life, tread the paths of depression and even suicide. I'd have to say that those have given me a sharp look at darkness. That's where most of the stuff in Dylan's life comes from: my more distant past.
So, don't get too worried 'bout me. If y'are, thanks, I appreciate it. But, I do pretty well in life nowadays, so don't get too upset at the darker side of my personality ;-)
That's it for now. Hope everyone enjoyed it.