Fraternity Memoirs - Part VI - Camping Trip, Saturday PM
Kevin and I left the tent. We decided that we would split up since the tents weren't really large enough for 4 people to be in them at the same time. Kevin went to one tent and I to another. Last night in the flurry of getting our stuff and putting them in the tents, I had no idea who was in which tent. I didn't even know which tent Matt was in. It was kind of odd not knowing where Matt was. I had pretty much been by his side every waking moment of pledge season. Suddenly, I realized how much I missed him. I hoped that he would be one of the tents that I opened.
There were 16 pledges currently on the trip. That made 7 tents and sleeping bags that Kevin and I had to open. I walked up to the first tent. Following Adam's fashion, I gave whoever was in the tent a little notice and said, "Rise and Shine" before I unzipped the tent. I walked into the tent and saw that it was Dan and Rich. I haven't hit Dan and Rich so let me give you a quick description of them. Neither one of these guys is really a significant part of my life, and therefore these stories, so I'll keep it short. Rich is a freshman on the swimming team. He's tall as shit, number 19 of 19 on our line-ups, probably 6'6" tall. Kind of a goofy looking kid with a shaved head. He looks like he would be a real klutz, but he's actually quite coordinated, like a dolphin in the water and awesome at basketball. He's got broad shoulders, but real slim. His size gives him the goofy look, but once you look part it, he's actually a good-looking guy. On the quiet side, but a cool guy. Dan is almost the complete opposite. Dan is a sophomore and on the shorter side. He's about 5'8" and second in line. But Dan is real stocky. He's not a part of any athletic team, but he works out like crazy and he is huge and cut. Must be that inferiority complex about his size, so he's all muscled up. Dan is average in the looks department, cute guy but not great looking. His family lives in the college town, so he lives at home with them. I was friendlier with Rich than Dan.
Looking at them, it was quite comical seeing Dan and Rich in the same sleeping bag, being that Rich had a good 9 inches on Dan. The sleeping bag reached about the middle of Rich's chest while Dan was in the sleeping bag to his neck. Both of them were awake and looking at me when I came in. "What time is it?" Dan asked.
"I don't know," I said, "But Adam told me to get everyone up." Everything seemed pretty innocent in here. They definitely weren't in the state that Kevin and I were in when Adam woke us up.
"Good, my arms are killing me. Hurry up and let us out of here," Rich said. Looks like these two had nothing to hide. I went to the sleeping bag and unzipped it. Both of them kneeled up. Their dicks were up, but not rock hard or anything, and no signs of any 'fun' on either of their bodies.
I thought I would test the waters, "So either of you two get laid last night?" I joked. They both laughed, finding my joke funny, but their faces didn't give anything away. It was obvious that nothing occurred in this sleeping bag last night. So I untied both of them and we made small talk about how fucked up last night was. I agreed, but they didn't know the half. I was beginning to think that I was the one who really fucked up last night.
I left the two of them to get dressed and moved on to the next tent. I was beginning to think that Kevin and I weren't going to find anyone else who did what we did last night. I kind of assumed that there was the chance that everyone else did, being that I did. But I guess not everyone had a 'Kevin' in the sleeping bag with him. I wondered if I were paired up with anyone else but Kevin last night, would the same events have occurred? Most likely not, I told myself. How about with Matt? I couldn't quite answer for sure.
"Rise and shine," I said again as I opened the second tent. I was glad to see that it was Matt and Anthony.
"Yo Walsh, good morning," Matt said looking happy to see me. Matt and Anthony were in a position that I had never even contemplated. They had spun themselves around and were back to back.
"Mornin' Matt," I said, returning his smile.
Anthony turned his head my way and said, "What up Walsh? How is it out there, cold?"
"Kind of chilly," I said, "But nice for November." My mind returned to Matt. Part of me was really hoping that I would find Matt in some incriminating position. A small piece of me wanted to know that Matt enjoyed the same pleasures that I did last night for some possible future fun. Not that I was ever going to fool around with a guy again, but its good to know your options. Mostly I was hoping that if Matt did have the same experience, we could talk about what happened. I wanted to hear someone else's position on this sexuality thing besides Kevin's. It was an interesting philosophy, but was I the only one buying it?
"Cool. Are you here to let us out?" Matt asked.
"Yeah," I said as I moved to zipper of the sleeping bag. "So how did you two sleep last night?"
"It was kind of difficult at first with Pacerno (Anthony) sticking his hard dick in my stomach last night," Matt said laughing. I stopped opening the bag to listen to this.
"Yeah right, Belford (Matt)," Anthony said, "You kept rubbing up against me, I think you wanted my dick in your stomach." They were both laughing. I laughed as well, going along with them. I couldn't tell if they were serious or not.
"Walsh, check this out. We figured there was no way that we were sleeping dick to dick all night, so Anthony suggests that we try flipping around and sleeping back to back. So he says for me try flipping around first. I squirm around and get my back to him and this faggot tries sticking his dick up my ass..." Matt says, still laughing.
Anthony is laughing as well and chimes in saying, "I couldn't help myself, Belford's ass is so soft it felt like my girl's ass and my dick couldn't tell the difference."
"So I tell him that I ain't that kind of guy, but if he's got $100 bucks, we can talk," Matt continued, both of them were laughing hysterically. I wasn't laughing anymore. I was totally confused. Was this some type of sexual Abbot and Costello shtick? "Anthony says he's got forty dollars in his wallet, he'll give it to me in the morning. I'm all like $40? For $40 I'll give you a hand job. So Anthony says how the hell you gonna give me a hand job if your hands are tied and I tell him that's his problem. If all you got is $40 bucks, you ain't getting any ass tonight. So he flips around in a hissy fit and doesn't talk to me all night." Matt is almost in tears, he's laughing so hard.
I truthfully didn't know what to say, I was that puzzled. Matt is always pulling my leg and telling wild ass stories. I've fallen for his tricks many times before and I didn't want to be his fool again. I figured I would just go along with it. Plus, I also didn't want to seem too inquisitive. "Matt, you should have known better turning your ass to a Greek. They love anal sex." It made Matt laughed even harder.
"Fuck you Walsh, I ain't Greek, I'm Italian," Anthony retorted.
"Same difference," I said and we all laughed.
"Guys, we've got to stop. All this laughing is hurting my arms. Come on Walsh, let me out of this sleeping bag and away from this Greek...I mean Italian," Matt said and we all laughed again.
I unzipped the sleeping bag and the two of them rolled out of it. Both of them were pretty hard. Not boning but full. Maybe the story was true. I noticed how great Anthony looked without all that hair all over him. He had a pretty decent sized cock, too. I wondered if he would keep his body shaved. Maybe his girlfriend would make him keep it that way when she gets a look at him. "Looks like all this talk about anal sex has got the two of you just a bit excited," I said.
Both of them took a glance down at themselves. "It's this fucking baby oil against the nylon lining. It's like wearing silk boxers," Anthony said.
I untied Anthony first. He went over to his bag and was fishing around. As I was untying Matt, Anthony says, "Belford, if you still want to make an easy $40, I'm still up for that hand job." He had his semi hard dick in one hand and two twenties in the other. The two of them laughed hysterical again.
"I'll leave you two alone so you can conduct your business transaction, see you two outside," I said as I finished untying Matt. "See you outside," they both said. The sexual innuendo in the tent was abundant. I was enjoying it a lot, too much maybe. But they were too. Although not exactly what Kevin and I did, at least they inferring that something happened, but I doubt that it did. I figured I would get the full story from Matt when we got back to the dorms Sunday night.
When I got out of their tent, I noticed that the camp was coming to life. Dan and Rich were around the fire, along with the Pledge Masters and a few of the other pledges that Kevin must have let out. I moved on to the next tent. Keeping the flow going, once again I said, "Rise and shine."
I pulled down the zipper and went into the tent. It was Damien and Evan. These are two of my favorite guys in the pledge class besides Matt (and now Kevin!). Damien is just cool as shit and a real nice guy. He's the oldest guy in the pledge class, a junior. He went to Community College for the first two years and then transferred into the University. He's a volleyball player from South Jersey and on the tall side, 6'3" or so. Brown hair and eyes with a goatee. Average build and real tan. He's always wearing shorts, no matter the occasion or the weather. Like Adam, he's the beach type. He's real cute in that surfer kind of way. Both of us love the same music, like U2 and Pink Floyd and we both play the guitar. So we hit it right off. Evan is a real cool guy too. He loves to party and get fucked up, much like myself. He's funny as hell. He's always cracking jokes. He could easily be a stand up comedian. Evan's a sophomore and knows like the entire campus. He deals some drugs. Nothing serious, pretty much buds only. He gets other stuff, but that he only sells/shares with close friends. He's average height, 5'10" or so, reddish blondish hair that is kind of long, like shoulder length. He's the easiest guy to talk to and the least prejudiced guy I know. He's good looking, but he's got a bit of an acne problem. Not gross or anything, but he's always got a few pimples going. Evan's a bit overweight, carrying like an extra 10 pounds or so. But the way he eats, you'd think he'd be like 30 lbs overweight. Everything the boy eats is fried. Probably explains the acne problem. Anyway, back to the story...
Damien and Evan were already up and out of the sleeping bag. Both of them just started getting dressed and were in their underwear. If I wasn't mistaken, it looked like Damien was sporting some wood through the boxers he was wearing and a wet spot down and to the left. What have we got here, I thought to myself. Evan had his back to me. Was he hiding something? They both gave me a 'Yo Walsh' but quickly turned back to putting their clothes on.
"What's up fellas?" I replied, "No pun intended." Ha ha ha.
"Not much. Sounds like everyone is pretty much up, huh?" Damien asked as he slipped his head into his shirt. Not even a reaction.
"Yeah, almost everyone. Adam sent Kevin and I around to get everyone up. I guess Kevin let you guys out?" I asked.
"Ummm, no, we let ourselves out," Evan said.
"How'd you guys do that? How'd you get your hands untied?" I found this very suspicious. Up and dressed before anyone could see them. They were definitely hiding something Maybe I was too assuming with my own guilt and all, but I doubted it.
"Sean must not have tied my hands tight enough and the knot came out. I was free before we even fell asleep. I untied Evan too," Damien said.
"That's awesome. My arms are still killing me. But I don't think you guys were supposed to do that. You're lucky that I came around instead of one of the pledge masters," I said.
Usually two talkative guys, they were definitely on the silent side this morning. I felt like I wasn't wanted in this tent, neither of them looking at me or making conversation. I really wanted to know what the deal was. "Free hands? That must have made for an interesting night? You guys get any sleep or were you up all night jerking each other off?" I asked in a joking voice.
"Look Walsh, if you don't mind, we're trying to get dressed here. We'll see you outside," Evan said, still not facing me. Oooouuuuucccchhhhh, I thought to myself. These guys are either really cranky in the morning or they are guilty of something and just want me out of the tent. I took their point and left.
When I got out of the tent, Kevin was pretty much waiting for me. He wanted to know if I saw anything. We walked away from Damien and Evan's tent so they couldn't hear us. I told him about the three tents that I went to. He wasn't the least bit surprised that nothing happened in Rich and Dan's tent. The real cocky side of Kevin showing itself again, referring to the two of them as 'losers anyhow'. He found my story about Matt and Anthony amusing, but he doubted that that anything really happened if their backs were at each other. But he was very intrigued about Damien and Evan. He asked me if I was certain that I saw a wet spot. Not 100% certain, it was kind of dark, but I was pretty sure. He agreed that it was strange for Evan to be so cranky like that. Kevin was sure that they fooled around last night, from what I told him.
"So what did you come across?" I asked Kevin. Evan and Damien came out of their tent and saw us whispering to each other. I felt kind of guilty about what we were talking about. I guess this was really everyone's private business and I certainly didn't want Adam making public what he saw this morning. I watched the two of them as they made their way to the fire and the rest of the pledge class.
"Nothing bro, real disappointing. Couple of the guys had hard dicks, but it was probably just morning wood. Tell you what though, CJ's got one fucking big dick, that uncut fucker. God, what I could do with a dick like that. But besides that, looks like you and I were the only ones who had any fun last night," Kevin answered, bringing his hand around my shoulder. I was curious what Kevin meant when he referred to 'what he could do with a dick like that'. Did he mean if his dick was that big, or the fun he would have doing 'his thing' to CJ's dick. Was I jealous? Man, I got to stop thinking all this queer shit. I suddenly didn't want Matt's arm around me. Trying not to be obvious about my revelation, I kind of spun out of his arm and asked if everyone was up then.
"Yeah, that's everyone, I woke up 4 tents and you got 3," Kevin said, seeming to take no offense to my maneuver.
"Let's get back to camp then. I feel uncomfortable with Adam seeing us this close after this morning," I said. As soon as I said it, I felt bad for doing so. It's the way I felt, but I didn't mean for it come out quite that way.
Kevin made no sign that it bothered him and said, "Alright, lets go get some breakfast."
Within 10 minutes, all of the pledges were out of their tents and around the fire. Everyone was real squirmy with the baby oil still all over them. Sean asked a question that shocked me...
"So, tell me guys, any of your pledge brothers put out? Anyone get lucky last night?"
Everyone was silent. He just stood there waiting for an answer. No one answered. Was everyone else silent for the same reason? Or maybe they were just shocked at the question to begin with. Everyone sort of looked around at each other. Kevin, you better keep your mouth shut I thought to myself.
"Good," Sean said, "You all passed the test then. We either assume that you passed the queer test," and chuckled. We all still stood there in silence. I failed the queer test? I looked over to Adam and he was looking right back at me. I looked away. "Or," Sean continued, "That you guys are starting to get there and able to trust each other." Still silence and guilty looks...
"Guys, I'm just fucking around with you, relax. Quit looking all scared like you had dicks up your ass last night and eat some breakfast." Sean and the rest of the Brothers were laughing and we finally laughed along with them. But on the inside, I really wasn't laughing. I was disturbed.
We had some instant coffee and doughnuts. Sean let the rest of the guys go to the river or showers, whichever they preferred as long as they were remained in assigned pairs, to get the baby oil washed off of them. Matt asked me if I was going to the river or the showers. I told him that I had already gone before with Kevin. He gave me a weird disappointed look but didn't ask why so I left it at that. The rest of the day was pretty much hiking around and just hanging out. No pledge 'activity'. We were told not to mention the events of the night before to the pledges on the baseball team, that they would be doing the same thing tonight. I wondered how that was going to work with the three of them. Would they all be in the same sleeping bag? I pictured that in my head with the story that Matt told me. Someone was going to have a dick next to their ass, and with all that baby oil, one false move and one of them was going to be in for a big shock. Although I had no interest in anal sex, the thought of being the 3rd person in the sleeping bag when that happened turned my dick kind of hard.
Everyone had a real blast during the excursion. The Brothers were real cool, just hanging out with no commands. They took us to some pretty cool places, like this huge boulder field that was left behind by some glacier thousands of years ago. There must have been thousands of boulders that went on for a mile. There was a rock that they referred to as "penis" rock and we were told to find it. It took us close to an hour, but eventually we found it. Sure enough, it looked like a big hard dick and balls. We all took a picture around it and of course Kevin had to get in front of it and bend down with his ass at the tip of it like it was fucking him. We all found it amusing, but to me it hit home a little hard. If everyone else only knew half of what I knew...
We also went to this cool waterfall and a section where you could go cliff diving into the river. All of us got down to our bathing suits and took a pledge picture under the waterfall. Although no one was forced to go cliff diving, it was made clear by the pledge masters that they wished everyone would dive/jump. According to them, every other pledge class had all the pledges jump in and they didn't want their class to be the one breaking the streak. We always did as the pledge Masters wished, and all of us dove into the river one at a time. It was a lot of fun. I did it a few times.
Although I was having fun, I was pretty quiet most of the hike. I was reflecting hard on what had happened to me the last night and the last couple of weeks. Pretty much everyone asked me why I was being so quiet. I told them that I was just enjoying the nature. Matt tried talking to me a bunch of times and I tried being responsive, but I just needed some time alone. I could feel myself changing. I knew I didn't appear different, but I felt different. Pledging was beginning to take its toll on me. I hadn't spoke to any of my HS friends in a couple of weeks. I knew that they were all visiting each other's campuses, partying and getting laid I'm sure. I missed them. I hadn't been home or seen my parents since school started. No private time, no sleep. We were constantly verbally abused and both mentally and physically drained. I hadn't gotten any pussy in over a month and I wanted to get laid so badly. The only sexual outlet I had was with another guy and that was really bothering me as well. I never should have let Kevin suck my dick. Getting off in the sleeping bag was one thing, which pretty much was forced upon us. I could have dealt with that. Then Adam catching us, that made it 101 times worse. But succumbing to Kevin's advances and letting him suck my cock was in my eyes a moment of weakness. I had fallen to the dark side. Sure, it was one hell of a blowjob, but that didn't make it right. Did it? I also noticed that the way I was looking at guys was changing as well. I've always been one to notice, and even mention, when I thought that a guy had a great build. I was comfortable enough in my sexuality that I could even comment on a guy's good looks. But today when we were under the waterfall and on line to jump in the water, I was checking the guys out in a sexual way. I actually thought most of the guys were hot. Hot? Hot is not admiration. Good-looking is admiration. Hot is a gesture of attraction, how one describes a chick. Suddenly I wasn't so comfortable in my sexuality any more. And I didn't like that at all. I mean I liked the blowjob. It was fucking awesome. Kevin made me feel like no woman ever had, except for maybe when I lost my virginity. It was all so confusing. I was going around in circles and it was driving insane. I'M GOING CRAZY! I couldn't think anymore. Why is sex such a complicated subject?
We got back to camp at what must have been about 4:30 PM. Daylight savings time was over and the sun was low in the sky. The other three pledges and Brother from the baseball team were waiting for us. We all exchanged our hellos and shared some stories. I saw Sean pull Pete (the Brother) to the side and the other Brothers joined the huddle. They were talking about something. I wondered if Adam was sharing with Pete what he had witnessed this morning. The rest of us discussed the baseball game. They had won the game in the bottom of the ninth. They were down 2-3 with a man on first and third with two outs. Mike had hit a triple bringing the two runners in and winning the game. The whole class was excited for him. They asked what we did last night and today. Part of me felt like giving them some warning about what they were in for. But I decided against it. We told them that we just hung around the fire drinking and telling ghost stories. One of them said it sounds like they missed an easy night. These guys had no idea what they were in for.
We went around to collect more wood for the fire; it was time to make some dinner. Matt came up to me and asked again, "What's the matter John? You've been in a daze all day?"
"Nothing really Matt. I'm just a little depressed. Don't really feel like talking about it right now. Can we talk about it when we get back to the dorms tomorrow night?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure bro," Matt said with a smile.
We proceeded to eat dinner. We had a bunch of canned food like beans and Chef Boy Ardee that we had along with more hot dogs. We stuck the hot dogs on a stick and cooked them that way. I hadn't spoken to Kevin all day after waking everyone up. I didn't know what to say to him. I was afraid to talk to him. I looked up and saw that Kevin was looking right at me. He was about to take his dog off his stick, but when he saw me looking, he stuck like half of it down his mouth, mimicking sucking my dick. It made me laugh and I spit up the ravioli that I was eating. He laughed in return. The guy is freaking crazy. It was just the comic relief I was looking for. I still didn't know what to say to him, but I felt a bit better. I desperately wanted to get out of my daze.
Adam and the other 4 Brothers left after dinner, leaving Sean alone with us. I assumed that they were getting tonight's activity ready. We just sat around the fire and talked. It was dark by now, probably for a good hour or so. Eventually the Brothers came back and huddled again. We hung around about a half hour when we were told once again, "LINE UP!"
Lined up, we were told to go into the tents and get an extra pair of socks, our pledge books and demerits. Yup, you guessed it, we were to be blindfolded again. This time, however we were blindfolded right at the camp before we were given any further instructions. After our blindfolds had been examined by the Brothers, Adam began, "Tonight you will be led on the 'Trust Walk'. Always trust a Brother and we will make certain that no harm comes to you."
Sean continued, "Turn to your right and put your right hand on the shoulder of the pledge in front of you, carrying your pledge book in your left. Follow our instructions, and you will make it through the night without any injury. Second guess us, and you might not make it out of the woods in one piece."
We all did as we were told. They led us down the path and who knows where in darkness. We were walking pretty slowly as none of us could see where we were going and the path was kind of rocky. They led us up hills and over fallen trees and large rocks, the Brothers giving us exact instructions on how to get through the obstacle blind. We had to go under trees, through small creeks that soaked our boots, numerous obstructions. But so far their directions were right on. Although slightly difficult, I made it through each diversion without hurting myself. A few of the times I felt the Brothers grab me and help me over or under, or say they would hold our pledge books. I was hesitant the first time to give it up, thinking it might be a trick. But they gave it back. After all, the point of tonight again was to trust a Brother. I depended on what they were doing to get me back safely and so far so good. I trusted them. We must have been walking for over an hour in silence except for the Brothers giving us directives. I couldn't estimate how far we had walked between all the stopping and our slowness.
Eventually we were all told to halt. I felt one of the Brothers grab me and lead me in some direction. He guided me to a sitting position and told me to "Trust a Brother." From the voice I could tell that it was Brother Hudson. So I sat there in darkness. It felt like forever. I could hear the other guys moving around, but it sounded like they were some distance away. Finally after a long time I was told to stand, hand the Brother my Pledge Book and put my arm on his shoulder like before. He led me for a quick walk and told me to stop. I felt him move away and another Brother take my hand.
"Trust a Brother," he said. It was David, one of the other 4 Brothers along on the trip. "In front of you, is a brick wall that starts low and eventually leads higher. Take a step onto the wall, lean on me if you need to. Go ahead."
I put my right foot up and out, searching for the wall. My foot eventually found it. It was maybe 12 inches off the ground. Dave put my right hand on his bicep to grip for support and I lifted myself up so that both feet were on the wall. "When you have your balance, begin walking along the wall. I will not let you fall, trust a Brother," David said and I held onto his arm tightly. With baby steps, I began making my way up the wall. I could feel the height of the wall increasing as Dave had to reach his arm up for me to hold onto as I got higher. Eventually he had his arm completely reached straight up so that I was holding onto his hand. Dave was about my height, and with his arm reaching straight up, I figured that I had to be up at least 5 feet off the ground. In time, I was too high for Dave to hold my hand anymore. It slowly slid all the way down the side of my body so that he was holding onto my calf. God, how high was I? I had to be 7 feet off the ground. I was starting to get real nervous that I was going to fall. My steps were probably only an inch at a time, I was moving that slowly. Finally, Dave instructed me to stop.
"Turn yourself around to your left so that you are facing the sound of my voice," Dave instructed. His voice sounded so far below me. I did as he said, very carefully. "Good," Dave continued, "Do you trust the Brothers?"
"Yes," I said.
"You can always Trust a Brother," Dave said. "I want you to jump off the wall. Trust Us, we will catch you."
What is he crazy? I'm not jumping off this wall. Catch me or not, that is a great leap of faith. "I can't do it," I said.
"Trust us, we will catch you," Dave returned.
It took me a minute or two, but I roused up the confidence to do it after numerous requests and trust a brother from Dave. My heart was beating a mile a minute, but I was ready to jump. I just couldn't get my feet to move and I staggered on the wall. Finally I counted to three in my head and stepped of the wall. I didn't fall any further than the 12 inches that I originally stepped up to. It was a trick. As soon as I was off the wall I felt Dave grab my arms and I was on the ground, surprised that the ground was right there. I had done it. I trusted them and although there was no need to catch me, I was on the ground safely. "Good job," Dave said and handed me back my pledge book.
Dave put my hand on his shoulder again and led me further. I smelt a fire burning and I was told to sit. I felt around and there was a big rock that I sat on. I sat there a minute in silence. I was close to the fire and could feel its heat emanating. I was commanded to remove my blindfold. I did as I was told and sitting in front of me, on the opposite side of the fire were Sean and Adam. We continued to sit in silence and I was becoming nervous.
Sean spoke first, "Pledge Walsh, please remove your pledge pin and place it on the ground beside you on your left along with your pledge book and demerits," his voice sounding somber. Again I did as I was instructed. As I placed them on the ground, I noticed that there were two other sets of pledge books, demerits and pins there. I wondered what they were doing there?
Adam continued, "Tonight you will be faced with a question that will define your future. But first, lets see how long you've come along. Please recite the Principles that the Brothers of XYZ Fraternity hold sacred."
Shit, the principles. I had memorized most of them but not all of them and the pressure of repeating them in front of the Pledge Masters only made it more difficult to remember. I got like 4 sentences into them and was told, "WRONG! Try again!" I tried again but got them wrong. I tried a few more times but could never get past the first paragraph. I was getting more and more nervous, the frustration in their voices apparent.
Eventually I had to say that I don't know the Principles. Adam said, "Don't say that you DON"T KNOW. Say YOU DON"T CARE. Say it!"
"I don't care Pledge Master Adam," I said in defeat.
"Fuck you for not caring," Adam responded. It was like he took a knife and stabbed it in my stomach it hurt me so much hearing Adam say that me. "What is the fourth letter of the Greek Alphabet?" Adam asked angrily.
My mind searched for the answer, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta! "Delta, Pledge Master Adam." I answered.
"WRONG!" Sean said, "Care to try again?" Wrong? How could that be wrong? I counted in my head again and came up with Delta. It had to be right.
"I'm sorry Pledge Master Sean, but I think the correct answer is Delta," I said.
"You're saying that I am wrong?" Sean asked crossly.
"No Pledge Master Sean, I don't know," I said.
"You don't what?" Adam said.
"I don't care."
"Adam, please tell Pledge Walsh the fourth letter of the alphabet," Sean asked Adam.
"The fourth letter of the alphabet is Alpha," Sean said snidely.
Alpha? Although this was the first time that I was made aware of this, they explained why I was wrong. According to them, the Greek alphabet starts with the letters of your Fraternity, so if I were a Brother of Phi Sigma Kappa, when saying the Greek alphabert, it would be as such, 'Phi, Sigma, Kappa, Alpha, Beta, Gamma ...' making Alpha the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet. Like I knew that? Talk about frustrating. So it continued for about 10 minutes. I must have said 'I don't care' about 20 times, each time it hurt more and more.
"Well, Pledge Walsh, what we have learned tonight is that you don't care about this Fraternity. You're a fucking waste. What do you have to say about this?" Adam asked.
"I do care, really," I pleaded.
"No you don't. 4 weeks into Pledge Season and you don't know shit. Why don't you take your pledge book, pin and demerits and throw them in the fire? It's obvious that you don't care about becoming a Brother. I'd rather you tell me to go fuck myself and walk away with some pride rather than you waste another 6 weeks of my time," Sean said.
I just sat there silently, feeling like crap. I was shaking. Do I really care? How important is this to me? I remember feeling so excited during rush season. But now I was just frustrated. And tired. A small part of me wanted to tell Sean to go fuck himself. But I had invested so much time in this already. My RA was right, as soon as I put the pledge pin on, things changed. They've changed. I've changed. My thought was interrupted.
"The question that we have for you is this, Do you wish to continue?" Adam asked.
"Continue pledging?" I wasn't expecting that.
"Yes. As you see to your left, the question has been posed to all of your pledge brothers. Two of them have decided not to continue. Up to now, the Pledge Season has been easy. If you choose to continue on you journey to Brotherhood, realize that the road is only going to become more tumultuous. If you feel that you are not up to the challenge, we want to give you the choice to quit. Think it through, as your decision is final. If you choose to quit, don't come back Monday saying you've changed your mind." Adam said, looking me straight in the eye the entire time.
Easy? I thought to myself. Could it even get any harder? Is that possible? I looked at my pledge pin next to the other two. I felt naked without it. It had become my life the last month. Adam's word 'quit' echoed in my head. I had never quit anything. I am no fucking quitter. Although meeting Kevin was probably the most significant thing that ever happened to me, this was the most significant decision I ever had to make. I wanted it so badly, yet I was beginning to hate this whole process. I was at a crossroads. I'm not quitting. I was being tested. I won't let them beat me.
"I wish to continue," I said, looking Adam right back in his eyes.
"Good, then your decision has been made. Put your pledge pin back on. You will need to give 110% to make it through the rest of the season," Adam said. No smile. No reaction of relief. Did he really care? Would he have tried to argue with me if I had said I wanted to quit? I guess I'll never know. I was growing angry with them, how dare they think that I would quit?
"Take a piece of paper out of your pledge book," Sean instructed. I reached for my book and tore out a piece and grabbed my pen, assuming I would be writing something. I waited for them to continue.
"Write down what you are thinking at this exact moment. Don't be afraid. Adam and I will read it and then it will be burned in the fire. What you write will be left here, Trust a Brother," Sean said.
What was I feeling? What did I want to say to them? I could think of a few things, but this had to be good. Short and sweet. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I started writing...
Fuck you both. I'm no quitter and fuck you for thinking I might by asking. When this is said and done, and I am wearing the letters, I'm going to tell the both of you to kiss my ass.
It had given me just the motivation that I was looking for. It was a little harsh, and I guess they could have reacted angrily, but somehow I knew they wouldn't. It was to the point and I think what they wanted to here. I passed the note to Sean. He read it and chuckled. He passed it to Adam, who read it and smiled. He tossed it in the fire.
"You can put your blindfold back on. Put your demerits back in your pocket. Good luck on your journey," Adam said, "Don't disappoint us." I put my blindfold back on. I felt someone come behind me and lift me up. He passed me my pledge book. I was walking away when Adam said one more thing, "Pledge Walsh, do yourself a favor and don't let us hear you say that you don't care, ever again."
I was led somewhere and seated. I sat there for long time, contemplating if I had made the right decision. Uncertain at the time, I now know that it was the best decision I ever made. I couldn't imagine where I would be right now if I had said, 'I quit'. Out of nowhere, it struck me suddenly. Who quit? I had no idea if I was the second, middle or last pledge to go. Would anyone else quit after me? What about Matt? Matt wouldn't quit, would he?
Time seemed to be at a standstill. After god knows how long, we were helped up and led back into a line. Same drill, right hand on the shoulder of the pledge ahead of you. We were guided out of the forest and back to camp, assuming the line was at a minimum of two people shorter. Back at camp, we were left standing blindfolded for a good 15 minutes in silence. Eventually I was led back into the tent and un-blindfolded. My stuff was there, but Kevin's was gone. I was instructed that the events for the evening were over and that I was to go right to sleep and not leave the tent the entire night.
I laid on top of the sleeping bag. I couldn't believe that Kevin had quit. Maybe he had been expelled. I didn't know how to take it. I felt sad. Almost like I was going to cry. Before last night, I would have said good riddance. But we had shared something special, a moment that I have never shared with another guy before. God, this sucks.
But I have to admit that on some level I felt relief at the same time. I had decided earlier today that if the circumstances were the same this evening as last, I was not going to succumb to his advances. It would have been difficult, I'm sure. I've learned just how hard it is to say no to Kevin. I can't say for sure that it never would have happened again, but I had to prove to myself tonight that I had some will power. Show Kevin that I wasn't his straight hook up whenever he was feeling horny.
Kevin was only one of the two, possibly more, to quit. Who was the other person? It was driving me crazy not knowing. I tried to think who it would be, going over each of the guys in my head. I couldn't figure out who it was, none of the guys would quit. I guess I'd find out in the morning.
The sleeping bag was still oiled inside. I wasn't about to sleep in there like that, so I flipped it inside out so that the oiled side was out. I slid into the sleeping bag wearing all my clothes. I was tired and upset. It had been a long day. As I drifted to sleep, I missed the warmth of Kevin's body. I wanted him next to me. Would I have been strong enough not to fool around with Kevin? My mind said yes, but a part of me said no. I missed him even more. I wondered if I would ever run into Kevin on campus. How would that be? I fell asleep with a huge hard on, but I was too tired and upset to take care of it
I woke up the following morning to the sound of rain against the tent. Fuck, I thought to myself. This is going to suck, major. I remembered that I was alone and again saddened. Why would Kevin have quit? I heard Sean yell, "Pledges, you have 10 minutes to be up and out of your tents."
I started to get out of the sleeping bag. I was anxious to find out who had quit besides Kevin. Luckily I brought a water resistant jacket. I slid it on along with a ball cap and unzipped the tent. Here goes, and I stepped out into the rain.
To be continued...Hope you enjoyed, let me know, alt76frat@yahoo.com