AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! I'm baaaaaaaaack!!! And, according to a friend, "back to my bubbly self" (loved that, Vidur grin)...
Well, I have SO many people to thank this time and I'm gonna say each and every name (they all gave me so much strength and I just have to thank them all): Andreas, Nick, Nick P., Vidur, David (Nifty Arquivist), Steve, Gabrielle, Darian, Em, Ste, Melissa, Derek and Mischa. You guys all made me feel special like I hadn't felt in a long time. Thank you all so much for the e-mails and for the sweet caring words. It reminded me I'm not as lonely as I felt. I feel like I'm never gonna thank you all enough. Just so you know, I've been feeling better for a while and these last three/four weeks were just SO busy but inspiration struck and I finally finished this. Hope you all like my inspiration as much as I did ;)
Thanks for all the feedback I got for last chapter. You guys are great :) And thanks to all the people who have read "Thank you for loving me" and sent me feedback also (if you haven't already, please go there and tell me what you think, ok? I've posted the second part to that one already). Thank you :) AND I've posted a new short story on Nifty last night. It's name is "Starfucker". If you'd like to check it out, please let me know what you think. It's sort of something new. It's my first time doing something like that, so I'd like to know if I suck at it too much or just a little lol
Time for my cherry-flavoured thank you's: Andreas (Hey there, sexy grin you're the light in my day and I hope you know how much I love you and cherish you and I thank God everyday for bringing you into my life. And thanks for playing teacher every once in a while wink and thanks for co-writing this chapter with me! You played a HUGE part on my getting over my "block". Luv ya!), Trenchie (thanks for helping me out and playing teacher too lol and for checking my grammar/spelling), Ross (Don't disappear on me again!!!), Nick Palfreyman (hey there my online shrink cheesy grin Thanks for everything) and to my new buddies: Vidur, Steve and Darrian. And once again thanks to ALL the people who sent me e-mails both for this story and my other one AND also thanks for e-mailing me about the depression-kinda thing I went through. You guys rock ;)
If you wish to contact me, I have downloaded MSN Messenger. Look for me there :)
Disclaimer thingy: uhm... while I was thinking about what I'd write here (hey, I have to be original in every disclaimer lol), I came to the conclusion that I could write a cake receipt here and no one would care. First, because we all know that people don't exactly follow what's written here and, second, because there's no way that anyone could actually sue me. Few people know my real name, few people know where I'm from and the ones who do won't sue me anyway (or so I hope lol), so this is pointless. But here we go (better safe than sorry lol): I don't know anybody famous that might be mentioned here, thus I have no idea what team they play for; If you're not 18 or it's illegal for you to read this, then don't; If you're uncomfortable with the idea of two guys in a relationship, just get out of here. That's it!
Hope you enjoy it! Luv, hugs and chocolate! Fallen ^A^ngel
PS- Just a little tip: listen to Lenny Kravitz' "I belong to you" at the appropriate time... trust me, it'll be worthy ;P
And now (finally), ladies and gentlemen, I present you...
French Kiss Me - Part seventeen by Fallen ^A^ngel
I woke up and I looked around and it took me a minute to notice that I wasn't in my bed and that Nycky was still sleeping peacefully by my side. I looked at the clock by my side before getting up and going into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and stripped out of my clothes. After checking if the water was right, I stepped under the shower and closed the shower door behind myself. I don't even know how long I just stood there, letting the water run down my body, I just know that after I turned off the shower I was feeling slightly more awake. I dried myself off and put the towel around my waist before grabbing my clothes and stepping out of the bathroom. I sighed of relief when I saw Nycky still asleep on her bed and went to grab a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. After changing I plopped down on my bed and grabbed my diskman and CD case. Music had always managed to sooth my nerves and if it was soft music it'd work better but I didn't want to risk falling asleep again. I went for my Limp Bizkit CD and turned up the volume.
Half way into the CD I felt a tap on my forehead and opened my eyes to see Nycky smiling down at me. I turned the diskman off and took the headphones off before sitting up "Hey, had a nice rest?" I asked as she sat down on the edge of my bed.
"Yup"
"You feeling better?"
"Yup. Just a question: why were you here instead of there with me?" she asked while pointing to her bed
"I woke up a little while ago and went to take a shower. I thought I'd let you sleep a little longer." I shrugged.
"OK" she replied "What time do we have to be ready?"
"We have about half an hour before the guys are back and then we have another half hour before we have to go eat"
"OK. I'm gonna take a quick shower too then" she asked
"OK. I'll be watching TV" I replied and she smiled before going into the bathroom. I threw some warm clothes on and went to the main part of the room. I sat down and channel-surfed for a while until I settled on some cartoon. I sat back and concentrated on the screen to wait until either Brian or Nycky got there. About 25 minutes later there was a knock on the door and I got up to get it "Who's it?" I asked
"Room service" was the answer and I frowned before opening the door. The frown gave place to a smile when I saw who it was
"Uhm... room service is getting better and better at guessing what I want" I grinned at Brian who laughed and blushed at the same time
"I'd say they've got it perfect this time?" he winked and I laughed while letting him in
"Not perfect but getting there" I replied and giggled at his mock-offended glare
"And may I know what's missing, mister?" he asked as he put his hands on my hips and stepped closer to me, causing me to walk backwards till I hit the back of the couch "Just so we can improve it next time, you know?" he whispered as he bit my lower lip and pressed his body to mine
"Uhm... I love ice cream..." I kissed him "... and chocolate too..."
"Oh, kinky!" he replied softly before covering my lips with his in a hot passionate kiss. I thought about stopping it because of Nycky but then I shrugged inwardly (after all, she was a big girl, right?) and let myself go, let myself feel his sweet lips on mine, his long slender fingers caressing my face and neck, his body pressing against mine, his tongue running over my teeth and dancing along with my own, the muscles of his back contracting and relaxing under my fingers as he moved...
"AHEM!" Nycky oh so discreetly called our attention and we broke away from each other
"Oops... sorry!" I grinned at her
"No, you're not" she laughed before stepping closer and looking at Brian "Hi, Brian. It's good to see you again"
"It's nice to see you again too" Brian smiled that sweet smile of his as he shook her extended hand
"Thanks for helping me out" she said softly
"It was nothing but you're welcome" he replied just as softly and she nodded
"Can I go back to Pinky and Brain now?" I asked while climbing over the back of the couch so I could sit down where I had been before Brian got there. They both bursted out laughing when they saw that I was talking about the cartoon "Shhhh..." I shushed them playfully as they sat down, one on each of my sides. Me between my best friend and my boyfriend. Oh! How perfect! I laid my head down on Brian's shoulder while holding Nycky's hand and a little time later, I felt Nycky's leg nudge mine "What?" I asked, looking over at her
"What's the smile for, Pooh?" she grinned at me and I felt the smile on my face get bigger
"Well" I shrugged "I have my best friend and my boyfriend here with me, isn't that enough of a reason to make me smile?" I asked her and then looked at Brian who bent down and kissed me
"Hey! Don't go getting all lovey-dovey on me, ok?" Nycky whined and Brian and I laughed
"Shouldn't we get going? Where are we gonna eat?" I asked Brian
"Kevin said" he started then looked down at his watch "to be in his room in five minutes from now. Dinner will be there" he completed
"I thought we'd eat down at the restaurant?" I said, confused about the sudden change in plans
"We decided to make it small to welcome Nycky" he smiled as he glanced at Nycky
"WOW! You guys didn't have to change your plans for me" she blushed
"Nonsense! We wanted to. You're obviously important to J and he has become family. Everyone wants to get to know you" Brian replied
"Thanks" Nycky smiled, still blushing heavily. I'd have to tease her about it later, she always did that to me.
"So... I've become just family?" I looked up at Brian's face, trying to muster up the most pathetically cute puppy dog face, causing him to chuckle
"To the guys? Sure" he said before pecking me on the lips
"And to you?" I whispered, losing myself in his eyes and momentarily forgetting that Nycky was there. Hell, I pretty much forgot there was anybody else on the planet!
"Oh! To me you're not family" he grinned and then brought his mouth near my ear "I couldn't do with family what I think about doing with you" he whispered and I gasped, my jaw almost hitting my chest and sure enough I could feel myself getting as red as ever. My reaction was apparently funny because he started laughing
"What's it? What did he tell you? Do I even want to know?" Nycky asked, obviously curious about what could possibly make me as red as I felt. Not that it needed much to make me blush anyway.
"Nothing!" I said when I saw Brian opening his mouth to say something "You don't wanna know" I completed as I mock-glared at Brian, causing him to start laughing again.
"Whatever! You know that I'll get it out of you eventually" she glared at me
"Yeah! Yeah! C'mon, the guys are probably waiting for us" I stood up after turning off the tv.
"Knowing them like I do, that's highly unlikely" Brian laughed as he also stood up and I helped Nycky up
"Pig-back ride!" she exclaimed and I rolled my eyes before turning my back to her
"You're just lucky your foot is hurt" I muttered and Brian laughed when I grunted "Have you been putting on weight?" I asked teasingly and Nycky hit my arm
"That's not something you should ask a girl" she replied and I laughed
"Are you two always like this?" Brian asked us while heading to the door
"Hey! We're behaving right now!" Nycky replied as "we" followed Brian out and he closed the door
"God help us then!" Brian exclaimed as we started walking down to Kevin's room
"Hey!" both me and Nycky replied together, causing Brian to laugh even harder. Soon we reached Kevin's door and Brian knocked. We didn't have to wait long until Kevin opened it. He started laughing as soon as he saw Nycky on my back
"I believe you've been introduced already, now, please, let us in before she makes it impossible for me to dance ever again" I said, just to have Nycky pinch my arm and Kevin and Brian laugh harder
"Are they always like this?" Kevin asked Brian as he let us in
"In the little time I've seen them together? Yes, they are" Brian laughed too
"Hey, Nick! Hey, Mark!" I greeted the two blondes sitting on the couch before I put Nycky down and helped her sit beside them "Hi, Leigh! Hi, Kristin! Mel!" I greeted them with a kiss on the cheek "Well, this is my friend, Nycky. Nycky, these are Mark, Melanie, Leigh and Kristin, and you've already met Nick" I said before Brian took my hand and we sat down on the floor across from the couch, him in front of me between my legs. They all greeted each other and we didn't even have time to start talking before AJ burst into the room like a mad man (well, doesn't he always do that?). Howie came in after him, rolling his eyes before waving hi to everyone
"Nycky, girl!" AJ exclaimed before coming over to the couch and shoving Nick to the side so he could sit between him and Nycky
"Hi, AJ" she laughed before hugging him
"Hi, Nycky" Howie smiled as he too hugged her
"Geez! Did you guys fail to notice we were sitting there?" Nick asked as he and Mark moved to sit on an armchair, Nick on Mark's lap
"So?" AJ replied before going back to his talk with Nycky and Howie. I couldn't help but smile seeing everyone do their best to make Nycky comfortable.
"Remind me to thank them later" I whispered in Brian's ear before kissing his neck
"Uh..." he moaned lowly and I smiled against his skin "...ok" he replied softly as his hands found mine and he entwined his fingers with mine
We all made small talk throughout "dinner" and each second I was even happier that I had brought Nycky to me. At that moment, she looked nothing like the frightened and jumpy girl I had met at the airport and more like the girl I came to love like my little sister. She was smiling and laughing and joking just like always. And I was thankful that everyone seemed to like her and she seemed to like everyone else too. As preddicted, Leighanne and she got along great, which made both Brian and me happy and scared at the same time. You know that saying that two minds work better than one? Well, that was exactly what scared us. After "dinner" everyone went to finish getting ready. Brian and Leigh went to their room, Nycky and I went to ours (me serving as her private mule again), Nick and Mark to theirs and so on. The guys had to go earlier to the arena, to fix some last minute stuff that hadn't gone right and the rest of us had a little over 20 minutes to be at the lobby and those minutes were spent essencially with me helping Nycky get ready, seeing that I wouldn't change just to have to change again once we got to the arena. It didn't take long and soon we were both laying together on my bed.
"So? What did you think of everyone?" I asked her
"They're all great" she smiled brightly
"Specially a certain blue-haired tattooed guy, right?" I teased
"WHOA! Don't go reading too much into everything! We were just talking like everyone else!" she laughed
"Like everyone else my ass! You seemed to have eyes only for him. And the opposite is true too"
"Well, he IS great to talk to, and I've already told you that, but that doesn't mean anything"
"OK! OK! I won't say anything anymore!"
"Oh! Yes, you will. What did Brian tell you earlier?" she grinned up at me and I could feel myself blush again
"Uhm... I think we should get going..." I said but she started laughing
"Don't you dare changing subject like that. Now, spill!" she demanded and I groaned
"Awww... c'mon, let me out of the hook this once?" I whined but she shook her head no "Fine, he said I wasn't family to him because he couldn't do with family what he thought about doing with me. Happy?"
"Much!" she grinned "You guys are cute together!"
"Cute? Nope, try again!"
"Sweet?"
"Getting better but not quite there"
"Adorable?"
"Try again"
"Uhm... Sexy?"
"I like that" I grinned and she laughed
"Goofy would aply better but I didn't think you'd approve that"
"Thought right" I replied "We better get going and God help me if you make Bri uncomfortable with what I said to you" I glared at her before sitting up
"Who? Me? Why would I do that?" she faked offense, barely being able to keep a straight face
"For the same reason you painted 'God's gift' with sunscreen on my chest when we went to the beach and I fell asleep on the sand?" I replied and she cracked up
"Oh! Your face back then was priceless!" she said almost rolling out of bed
"I guess, because you even took a pic of it, right?" I shot back as she kept laughing "C'mon, I have a cute boyfriend waiting for me at the arena" I pulled at her hand and helped her steady herself
"Rub it in why don't you!" she grumbled and it was my turn to laugh "So, did I hear something about lil' me getting first row seat and backstage pass for tonight?" she asked oh so innocently and I laughed as we headed for the door
"Maybe if you behave you'll get something better?" I replied with a cheesy grin on my face as I opened the door and let her walk by before closing it behind myself
"Don't I always?" she pouted at me, trying to soften me. Doesn't she always?
"C'mon, pouty girl" I rolled my eyes at her and we walked to the elevators. We chit-chatted the whole way down, basically she telling me about what was happening with our friends back in LA, how it was to help her teacher with little kids and stuff like that. I missed everyone back there but if I told you I wanted to go back, I'd be lying big time. I was enjoying myself and now that Nycky was there with me, it couldn't get any better. The ride to the arena wasn't a long one and soon we were being ushered inside. As soon as we got in, Glenn found us and took Nycky away "Good luck!" I mouthed and she smiled nervously as she followed Glenn. I went to the dressing room to change and then stretch, before going to pay a little visit to my sweet boyfriend "Knock! Knock! Is there anybody naked in there?" I asked as I opened the door a little
"Nope!" AJ replied as I opened the door wider
"Then I think I'll go somewhere else" I sighed and turned to leave when a pillow hit me. I turned around and glared at Brian. I knew it was him, he could try to disguise it as much as he wanted. He always looked that angelic when he was up to something "I'll get you later for that"
"Should I be scared?" he pretended to be frightened
"That's for me to know and for you, my dear, to find out" I raised my eyebrow at him
"Uh-oh... busted!" Nick said and they all laughed as I went and sat beside him
"Maybe I'll let you off the hook if you're nice" I smiled at him
"Spare us the details, please" AJ said, making gagging noises
"Speak for yourself" Nick replied smirking at me and Brian and we both blushed
"I gotta go... just came here to say hi" I said before kissing Brian
"Already?" he whined and I smiled
"Yup. Have to go and see how things went with Nycky and Glenn" I kissed him again "Break a leg" I whispered against his lips
"Creepy thought but thank you" he giggled and I rolled my eyes before getting up
"See ya'll later" I waved getting a "See" from them before I was out of the door. I almost bumped into Pamela on my way to the dressing room. She didn't even seem to notice me though because she was talking like a mad woman on her phone. I shrugged and went on my way. When I opened the door I found Mark running up and down shirtless and barefoot, obviously looking for something "What's wrong?" I asked as he brushed by me
"Can't find my shoes" he replied
"But you had them in your hands when I left"
"Well, I had them. Can't remember where I left them" he replied still looking around
"I swear, you and that boyfriend of yours were made for each other" I teased him lowly and laughed when he gave me the finger
"Will you help me or just stand there and tease me?" he tried to glare at me
"Fine but just because I'm a really nice person" I replied and went to search with him
"Don't let it get to your head, dear" he laughed at me
"Are these yours?" I asked as I lifted a pair of shoes away from my face, pressing two fingers to my nose pretending it smelled (don't even know if it actually did)
"HAHA Thanks" he said dryly as he took the shoes from me and went to put them on. Just as he finished it and pulled his shirt on, there was a knock on the door and it opened
"Excuse me, guys" Glenn said as she poked her head in and then came in followed by Nycky "I'm here to introduce you guys to Nycole, she'll be helping me out with you klutz' wardrobe" Glenn smirked as everyone booed her. Meanwhile I ran up to Nycky and scooped her up in my arms
"Happy much, J?" she said and we laughed together
"Of course I'm happy, I'l have your sorry ass bugging the hell out of me for the rest of the tour! Why wouldn't I be?" I replied before kissing her forehead "Congrats" I whispered in her ear
"Thanks" she whispered back
"Five minutes, everyone!" the stage manager yelled through the door before banging on it and moving to the next one
"Did Glenn tell you that you could watch the concert?"
"Tonight, yes, she did." Nycky nodded
"OK, then let's go" I took her hand and we went to the area where everyone was gathering for the prayer. Nycky was put in the circle between me and AJ and I smiled seeing the smile on her face. After the prayer everyone headed to their places and I left Nycky in Leighanne's care before heading to the stage.
><><***
The concert went smooth as usual. After a quick shower, I had been standing beside Nycky, Leighanne, Kristin (who were backstage already), Melanie and Mark, while the guys finished Shape Of My Heart and they kept teasing me about how my eyes were glued to Brian and how his eyes seemed to always find me. I didn't care. It was true anyway. After saying goodbye to yet another packed arena, the guys ran off stage passing by us on their way to the dressing room. AJ was the first to come in our direction and I started laughing as soon as I saw the grin on his face. He was hilarious right after a concert
"Party in my hotel room tonight. Don't you dare not being there!" he yelled at the five of us
"Is he always this hyper after a concert?" Nycky asked laughing, pointing at AJ who "jumped" his way to the dressing room
"Yup. Sometimes he's worse" Leighanne replied as Brian arrived by my side, being the last one to leave the stage
"You were great" I quickly pecked his lips (after checking if anyone was looking. They were all too busy to be paying attention at us)
"You too" he smiled
"But you need a shower" I wrinkled my nose and he laughed
"Oh you know I'm cute anyway"
"You'll be more after your shower. Now go!" I said and slapped his ass when he turned around. He went to the dressing room laughing while rubbing his ass
"Awww... aren't they just the cutest?" Leighanne cooed and Nycky, Kristin and Melanie laughed
"Oh, cut it out! I don't see you picking on those two!" I shot back pointing at Mark and Nick
"They don't blush as cutely as you two" Nycky grinned and they laughed harder
"Let's just go" I said, not resisting and laughing with them. We went to the dressing room and talked until the guys finished changing and at least some of the fans had left. About 20 minutes later everyone was ready to go and we boarded the bus that would take us back. The ride was pretty quiet (except for AJ and Nycky talking and laughing together) because everyone was trying to rest a little. AJ's parties were famous for lasting forever and even though we had the whole day and night off the next day, the guys had to work in the afternoon. When we got there, the girls excused themselves, saying they needed to look pretty. Everyone else (meaning the guys, their bodyguards, me and Mark) went to AJ's suite. When we got there, we noticed that all the furniture, except for a long table and chairs, was taken out of there, what made even more room for everyone (what a couple of bills can't do, huh?). There was food and drinks already and, soon after everyone was in, music started blasting from the stereo system and the light was dimmed until the only light coming into the room was from the moon outside. In a little while the girls were there (and looking pretty indeed). AJ almost immediately took Nycky's hand and pulled her to the middle of the room so they could dance (despite her protests). Kevin took Kristin, Howie took Leighanne, Q took Melanie and Nick grabbed Mark. Brian and I decided to just sit and be together, it wasn't often that we got to do just that. We talked quietly, mainly about the concert. He kept assuring me that I hadn't messed up a certain step but I just couldn't believe him. I had messed it up.
Two hours later I had danced with everyone, except Kevin, AJ, their bodyguards (I don't think they minded it that much anyway), Nick, Mark and Brian. He refused to dance with me everytime I asked, saying that he was going to be embarrassed because he couldn't dance like me. Bullshit and I was going to dance with him even if it was the last thing I did. After dancing with Nycky for the tenth time that night, I walked back over to the table "You..." I started as I pointed to Brian "... are dancing..." I continued as I took his hand "... with me..." I said as I pulled him up "... now..." I finished and he smiled as I took him to where Nycky and AJ were dancing and everyone laughed. The beats to one of my favorite songs ever started and I grinned at him as I pulled him as close to me as I could
"...You are the flame in my heart... You light my way in the dark..."
I put my right leg between his and "straddled" his right one "J, what are you doing?" he laughed nervously "Everyone's looking" he blushed as I started grinding against him
"Then let's give them a show, shall we?" I asked before kissing him
"...I belong to you... "
It took him a while but he was soon moving along with me. I have to admit I was a bit self-conscious myself but it soon faded. I had very few opportunities to be with him like that and darn it to hell if I wasn't gonna use them.
"...You make me feel so divine... "
Soon only me, him and Lenny Kravitz' voice existed. Nothing else mattered and I had never felt that close to anyone. It wasn't just us dancing, or kissing. It was more and unexplainable...
"...I always loved you from the start..."
It was a rush, a passionate, hot, sensual rush. And, damn, it felt good. Feeling his body grinding against mine, his hands caressing my back, his skin under my fingertips, his chest against my own, his tongue dancing against my own...
"...And you... You belong to me too..."
"I always knew I loved this song" I whispered against Brian's lips
"...I belong to you..."
"Maybe we should play it in our wedding" he replied and we chuckled against each other's lips
"...And you... You belong to me too..."
"Maybe" I said as my tongue flicked over his upper lip "The priest would looooove that" I grinned before kissing him urgently. I had never felt that desperate for something. It was like his lips, his body... it felt like if I didn't have him closer, I'd die and it was like he was the air I was breathing... and at the same time, he took my breath away...
"...You make me feel so sweet..."
We slowly stopped dancing as the song faded and I finally pulled away from his lips "I can't move" he smiled and I raised an eyebrow at him "Slightly problem downward" he continued and I chuckled
"You're not the only one. I could use a cold shower" I replied and we laughed
"We could take it together?" he smirked
"Doubt it would solve anything" I said and we laughed "Save it for later. We don't wanna be too obvious now, do we?" I kissed him and laughed at the shocked look on his face
"Whatever's gotten into you?" he started and kissed me "I love it" he winked
"Me too" I replied and we laughed
"I'm gonna grab us something to drink" he smiled and went for the bar as I went for the table. When I sat down I looked around to see 7 pairs of eyes on me as they all stared at me silently
"What?" I asked defensively
"Whoever else thought that was the hottest thing they've ever seen raise their hands, please" Mark said and I saw 5 hands being lifted. Nycky, Leighanne, Nick, Melanie and Mark himself.
"Thanks, I'll pass" AJ said and Howie made gagging noises
"Oh, shut up!" I laughed as I felt myself blush
"Hey, it's true!" Leighanne replied
"You sure you guys are not having sex?" Nycky asked and I looked shocked at her
"Yes, I'm sure" I threw a bunched napkin at her, hitting her forehead "Thanks for being so discreet about it" I said, not resisting and laughing with everyone, even though I was embarrassed as hell.
"Hey, it sure looked like you guys were about to" Nick smirked at me and I threw a napkin at him too, hitting his nose
"Don't do this to my sweetie!" Mark said while exaggeratedly "shielding" Nick from my napkin-attack
"Fine!" I replied and threw a napkin at him instead, hitting his forehead "This is for supporting him" I smirked and just then Brian arrived at my side and gave me a bottled water "Save me from them?" I smiled sweetly at him and he laughed
"Not gonna need to. Your sister" he said while holding up my phone in front of me
"My sister?" I frowned. Why was she calling me now?, I wondered as I took the phone and lifted it to my ear "Hello?"
"Hello, there. New boyfriend?"
"Hi, Lin. Yeah, new boyfriend" I replied as Brian sat beside me and I smiled at him
"Finally!"
"Thanks. Is there something wrong? You sound weird" I asked, noticing how forcedly happy she sounded
"It's dad."
"What's it with him?" I asked, my voice surprising even myself with its coldness
"He's going under heart surgery tomorrow morning" she said, her voice barely above a whisper
"And why are you calling me?" I asked before I kissed Brian's forehead, put my water on the table and stood up, going out on the balcony
"I thought you cared"
"Why would I?"
"Because he's your father" she replied, unable to hide the frustration in her voice
"Well, he doesn't seem to remember I'm his son ever since he kicked me out, does he?"
"Mom's been crying ever since this morning!" she replied, obviously on the verge of tears and I almost regreted the way I was talking to her. But then, I was mad at her for calling me anyway.
"And why should I care?" I asked, unable to keep my voice as low as I wanted to "I love you but don't you dare guilt-tripping me!"
"I'm not. I just thought you would like to know"
"I'll pray for him if that pleases you. But that doesn't mean I give a rat's ass about it. They don't care about what happens to me, well, the feeling is mutual" I replied bitterly
"No, it is not" she replied softly and I didn't answer
"How's Barb?" I changed subject
"She's great. The same brat you saw last time" she laughed and I couldn't help the smile on my face "She has a puppy now" she completed and I cracked up
"How the hell did she manage to convince Matt?" I asked in between laughter. Matt was Celine's husband (and Barbara's father) and he had an abnormal fear of anything that had fur and walked on four legs, being it a big dangerous lion or a small innocent puppy.
"Do you know anyone who doesn't fall for her charms?" Celine said and we laughed. Barbara had the ability to make anyone cave in to her wishes. She just needed to bat her big eyelashes and pout and no one could resist her. And the worst part: she knew about it. And, being a 5-year-old girl, that made her very very dangerous.
"I miss her"
"I'll help her send an e-mail to you"
"I'll be waiting"
"I have to go now. Dad's being admitted into the hospital in a few hours"
"OK. I'll talk to you some other time"
"Ditto. Bye, dear"
"Bye. Love you"
"Love you too. Bye bye" she replied and we hung up. I exhaled slowly as sat down on the bench nearby and ran my left hand through my hair. I felt guilty. Once more, my father had managed to make me feel like shit. Even if he wasn't the one doing it directly, he always seemed to find a way to make me feel bad. He was the one who treated me wrong, dammit, why did I always feel like shit? Damn!
"You ok?" I heard faintly behind me
"Come here" I replied just as softly as I extended my hand and Brian took it. I pulled him down, making him sit on my lap and I buried my face in his chest, trying my best to keep from crying. Out of frustration, anger, hurt, fear, guilt.
"What happened?" Brian whispered before kissing the top of my head and running his fingers through my hair
"My father is going under heart surgery tomorrow morning" I replied as I hugged him closer by the waist
"I'm sorry... I'm sure he's going to pull through" he whispered as the tears started to roll down my cheeks even though I was fighting them "Don't cry, please... I'm sure he'll be ok..."
"I'm not crying because I'm worried... I'm crying because I wish I didn't care... I don't want to care..."
"Why? He's your father..."
"That didn't seem to matter when they kicked me out! I wish I could put them out of my life like they put me out of theirs!" I replied, wiping my face with the back of my hand "I wish I hated them as much as they hate me!"
"I'm sure they don't hate you..."
"Yes, they do. And they have always made it perfectly clear ever since I decided to become a dancer. They didn't miss a single opportunity to make me feel unworthy, insecure. I wasn't like Celine, I didn't follow their 'plans' for me, I wasn't going to become a lawyer, I was becoming a dancer and dancers are not as 'respectful' as lawyers and they don't make as much money either. Celine was the perfect daughter and I was the black sheep. And when they found out I'm gay, it just made their plans even less likely to happen. I wouldn't be a father, the chief of a big happy successful family, husband to a pretty and loyal woman. Why can't I hate them, dammit!" I said angrily, once again wiping my face "Why do I let myself feel shitty like this everytime they come into my life again?" I asked, more to myself than him, and we both fell silent for a while
"How did they find out about you?" he asked quietly, as if afraid I was going to snap at him for asking it
"When I told my ex-gilfriend about it"
"Ex-girlfriend???" he asked shocked and I chuckled
"Yes. Megan. My first and only attempt at being straight" I said and we laughed "I asked her out when things at home were at a point where I couldn't take it anymore. My parents were pressuring me to find a girl, tried to set me up with any girl that crossed their path. I decided to try it out, maybe I'd 'become straight' if I did it and then for once I'd be able to do what my parents wanted me to do. Megan was in some of my classes in my freshman year in high school and she had always been nice with me. Too nice sometimes and I often wondered if she was interested in me. We were in the beginning of our senior year when I finally asked her out. Little time after our first date, my parents made me bring her home. They loved her instantly. And she loved them too"
"And they got off of your back?"
"Yeah. For a while anyway. A while later, I came to the final conclusion that there was no way I could be straight" I chuckled "Megan was the perfect girlfriend but I couldn't bring myself to feel anything other than friendly love towards her. And to top it all off, I was developing the hugest crush on a new guy in my class. Brandon. He was just... so nice and friendly and cute... he was easy to be around, easy to talk to... I couldn't take it. I broke up with Meg, told her I was in love with someone else, that if we stayed together I'd be fooling myself and her. If she only knew how much" I sighed "We were still friends after that and we were always hanging out and it seemed like she understood it, you know?" I looked up at him to find those amazing eyes gazing back at me before looking down at our entwined hands on his lap "I had resigned myself to my destiny: I was going to be alone for the rest of my life and grow old, bald and bitter and everyone would hate me" I said and he laughed "Hey, I was an 18-year-old teenager!" I laughed with him "Well, what wasn't my surprise when our French teacher gave us an assignment and she told me to do it with Brandon, seeing that I 'was the best in her classes' and he would probably need help. I was ecstatic! And scared too of course. I didn't know how to read him and I wasn't sure but everytime we were working, he was always so interested and he always looked right into my eyes I... sometimes it felt like he was flirting with me... But then my world was crushed when I saw him kissing this girl, Jana, who I came to find out later was his girlfriend. I was crushed... I had to talk to someone but who? My parents were out of question. Celine was my sister, 7 years older than I, and in my head that made her look quite intimidating seeing that she was 'daddy's babygirl'. I had no friends, like the ones you talk to when it comes to this kind of stuff... besides Meg..." I replied and he gasped, probably imagining what was to come "It took me a while to gather enough courage to go to her but she was dating another guy at the time so I didn't think she would freak too much about it... That night I called her and told her to come over to my house. My parents as usual welcomed her in before I dragged her to my room. I had never been so nervous in my whole damn life. We chatted for a little time, while I prepared myself to say what I was about to say. When she asked me what was wrong, I just bluntly spilled it"
"I'm gay deal with it kinda thing?"
"Something like that..." I nodded, looking into his eyes "She was shocked to say the least and then she was kind of 'you're kidding, right?' and then she started laughing and when I didn't she just looked at me with a blank look... those were the longest seconds of my life... and then she flipped! Started yelling about how I had lied to her, how I had fooled her, asked if I had laughed enough at her... she was screaming so loud and calling me every awful name that she could think of... I was paralized. I didn't know what to do. I just looked at her and watched her, feeling helpless like never before"
"And your parents were home, right?"
"Oh, yes, they were" I laughed bitterly "They burst into my room, not even knocking, and then they looked at me and asked what I had done to her, what I had said to make such a nice girl cry like that" I said before taking a breath, willing the lump in my throat to disappear
"They just assumed you had done something wrong to her? Just like that?"
"Yeah... those are my parents for you... They asked Meg what happened and she blurted it all out before I could even think of stopping her... I felt dizzy and I felt like I was going to throw up my whole stomach... When she realized what she had done and how furious my parents looked, she darted out of my room like a bat from hell... That was probably the worst night of my life... They kicked me out right then, they didn't even ask me if it was true, they didn't talk, they didn't think twice... 'get out and never come back'..." I finished in a whisper and looked up after I felt a tear drop down on my hand. He was crying too.
"And what did you do?" he whispered, his voice cracking
"Called Celine, asked her if I could stay there... the next day in school, everyone knew I was 'the fag'..." I laughed bitterly "Brandon started avoiding me like devil avoids a cross... my 'friends' in the b-ball team had a new 'fag joke' everyday..." I completed before wiping his cheeks
"How did you manage to get through this? Jesus, I'd have died..."
"No, you wouldn't" I smiled up at him "Celine helped me... Nycky helped me... Barbara was born around that time and she became the light in my everyday... The three of them were the only reasons I didn't give up..."
"How did you meet Nycky?" he asked and I laughed remembering how it happened, making him look at me curiously
"She studied in the same school I did. I was a senior when we really met, she was a sophomore and she took ballet classes in the same school I did. I knew her before but we were never past the 'hi' when we saw each other in corridors. Then, the day all school found out about me, I was pretty much avoiding everyone. I was eating alone at the cafeteria when I felt someone sit beside me. I didn't look up, already knowing what would come when I did. When I noticed the person wasn't talking but just staring at me I looked up and met her gaze. She looked upset and I was like 'great, what will this be now?'... then she put her hand on the table and turned fully to look at me and then she was like 'how could you do this to me?'... I was confused to say the least and I kind of looked around to see if she was really talking to me. Hell, I had never said anything to her, how could I have done something wrong to her? Then she said 'How could you just decide to be gay like that? I had the hugest crush on you!'" I said and Brian almost fell off my lap from how hard he was laughing "I laughed so hard I was almost in tears. And then she was like 'you looked like you needed the laugh' and I hugged her. Shocked the hell out of her with that" I laughed "That's how she saved my day. And that's how she's been saving me ever since" I smiled up at him
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that..." he whispered as he wiped my face
"Me too. Sometimes." I replied before kissing the palm of his hand that was still stroking my cheek "How did your family find out?" I asked even though I knew it was a touchy subject. It doesn't matter how it goes, coming out isn't an easy subject to anyone going through it. I relaxed though when he chuckled softly.
"My brother found out before my parents. The two of us were at a b-ball game and he asked me something about it or whatever. I was too into watching this one player's legs to even hear him" he said and I chuckled "Then he waved his hand in front of my face and when I said 'What?', still not looking at him, he said 'Nevermind' and I let it go"
"And kept watching the guy's legs?"
"Exactly" he giggled "On the way back home, he turned to me and just plain asked 'Bri, are you gay?' and it was a good thing he was driving or else we'd have run into something" he continued and I couldn't stop laughing "I was shocked and as much as I tried to say something coherently I could just 'oh... ah... uh...' at him. He chuckled and was like 'I thought so'"
"He was that cool about it?"
"Yeah. He's a pretty cool guy. Then he asked me if I was gonna tell mom and dad and I was like 'are you out of your mind?' and he said I shouldn't be so worried, they loved me, they'd understand. Well, I wasn't ready. I was only 16 and I was like 'what if they start hating me and I have nowhere to go?', stuff like that"
"The usual..." I nodded in understanding.
"Yeah. I made him swear he wasn't gonna tell them and I kept hiding it. Some months later, a guy asked me out. Daniel. We had been friends for a while and we had been out to each other for a few weeks. We got along great and he was pretty cute, who was I to say no, right?"
"Of course" I replied, nodding exaggeratedly
"I didn't want to lie to my parents but I wasn't sure about telling them either. I could just tell them I was going to a friend's party but I didn't want to hide it anymore. I was hoping Daniel and I could hook up and if I had a boyfriend it would be better if I prepared them before bringing him home to meet them, right? Well, I made them sit down in the living room and when I was about to tell them, I panicked! I just told them I had gotten a horrible grade in school and I hoped they wouldn't stop me from going out because of it. They were like 'it's ok, we know you'll do better on the next one, you can go blah blah blah' and I forcedly smiled at them before they left me alone in the living room. Just as I sat down where they had been, muttering the word 'stupid' the whole time, the doorbell rang"
"Daniel!"
"Bingo! I froze and barely breathed until my mother came back and she was like 'Bri, baby, your boyfriend is here'" he smiled and I howled "I almost had a stroke. But when I saw the smirk on her face, relief washed over me. I asked her how she knew and she was like 'I've known you since before you were born, you think I wouldn't know that?'. Then after kissing my forehead she completed herself with 'besides that, how many well-dressed boys come pick up another well-dressed boy home in a car like that when there's no school party?'. I asked her how she knew about the no school party thing, and she said that I had told her some days before. I asked her if she was cool with it and she replied that it was about damn time that I decided to find myself a cute guy"
"Pretty cool mom you have there"
"I could borrow her every once in a while" he said and we chuckled
"I'll consider that. What about your dad?"
"When I was about to leave the house he yelled from the kitchen 'Use protection!'. I was shocked out of my mind with that one" he replied and I had tears running down my cheeks from laughing "I had prepared myself for the worst already, had the whole 'I'm not a freak just because I like guys and I'm still your son so I hope you don't hate me' speech prepared. In the end, I was the one shocked, not them"
"They're great!" I said, still laughing
"Later they told me they had had their doubts about me and when I got them to sit down that night and talk, they thought I was gonna finally tell them. When I didn't, they decided to 'help me do it'" he completed and we both fell silent staring at each other
"Now it explains it all" I whispered, smiling at him
"What?" he asked with that cute confused look of his
"Why you're... you... special... amazing... just a special guy could've come from such great parents" I said softly and smiled at the blush creeping up his face
"You're not so bad either..." he whispered before kissing me softly. Then he pulled away, keeping his face less than an inch away from mine, and smiled before whispering in the most angelic voice I had ever heard "I love you"
"I love you too" I replied, willing my heart rate to slow down even though I knew it was an impossible task when I had him in my arms and his eyes gazing into my very soul. It had always been so difficult for me to say those words but with him it felt like second nature.
"What are you thinking about?" he whispered, trying to read me
"How easy you make it for me to love you" I replied before kissing him with everything I had in me, sucking his tongue in my mouth, taking time to enjoy the feeling of him against me, on me, in me.
"Come to bed with me?" he whispered against my lips and we chuckled softly
"Tempting. But what is in it for me?" I asked as I rested my chin on his chest, looking up at him
"Uhm... let me see... my bed is bigger than yours... I could rub your back... I would be the one there, not Nycky... You make a helluva better roomie than Leigh... I could keep you all warm and cozy... my cute face would be the first thing you'd see in the morning even though it won't look that cute then... uhm... I'd love to have you right beside me... I don't want to spend anymore time away from you than I absolutely have to..." his voice got lower and lower as his lips came closer and closer to mine and I could barely concentrate on breathing "... am I doing a good job at convincing you?"
"Ever since you said 'let me see' you've been doing great..." I replied before kissing him "I'll hold you to the back rub though" I completed when we parted
"A half-naked you in my bed? Yay! C'mon!" he eagerly stood up and pulled me up also
"Do I look like I've cried for years?" I asked and he laughed lightly "I'm serious" I begged him with my eyes and he eyed me carefully
"Not really... the tip of your nose is a little red but then it's cold here so it would be a plausible explanation... and your eyes are red but the light is dim inside so no one will notice it..."
"Good" I replied and kissed him before he led the way inside. We talked quietly to Nycky and Leighanne and were very pleased that they agreed in sharing mine and Nycky's room for the night. I didn't think they'd say no but we had to make sure anyway. We quietly excused ourselves from the party but Nycky grabbed my arm as we headed for the door "Yeah?"
"I'm letting you go now but tomorrow you're going to explain to me why you've cried..." she said and the determined look on her face told me that she wouldn't forget it. I nodded and kissed her forehead
"Good night"
"You too" she smiled and I waved before Brian pulled me to the door
"She noticed you were crying, right?" Brian asked with a knowing smile as we walked down the hallway in the direction of his room
"Of course she did" I laughed "Leigh noticed your red eyes too, I assume?"
"Assumed right" he replied and we both laughed
"We'll have some explaining to do tomorrow, huh?" I asked as he unlocked his door
"I think so... I won't tell her anything if you don't want me to..." he said softly as he took my hand and pulled me in the direction of the bedroom
"No need to hide it... I trust you and if you trust her and decide to tell her that's ok... As long as I don't have to do it myself..." I said as we reached the bedroom
"OK..." he smiled as he put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer "Take your shirt off..." he said softly before kissing me "... and get on that bed..." he continued as he kissed down my neck and I moaned as his lips reached my collarbone, my eyes closing on their on "... I'll be right back..." he whispered before letting me go and going to the closet
"Oh... c'mon..." I whimpered "I was enjoying that" I completed as I headed for the bed and he laughed
"You'll get me back in a second... now if you want that back rub, be a good boy and do as I said" came his muffled voice from inside the closet
"Oh! Bossy!" I replied before pulling my shirt over my head and dropping it over a chair. I sat down on the bed just as he walked over and put a lotion tube beside me
"Lay... down..." he said grinning down at me as he put his hand flat on my chest and made me lay on my back, before sitting on my lap
"Are you trying to seduce me?" I smiled up at him and his smile expanded
"You don't seduce the willing..." he whispered before kissing me, resting his chest on mine
"And what makes you think I'm willing?" I replied, trying to sound convinced of what I was saying but failing miserably
"Your eyes tell me..."
"Damn them!" I replied before kissing him again
"Roll over and go up on the bed" he smiled and I smiled back before doing as he told me to do. I rested my head on a pillow, putting my arms to my side, my hands by my head and closing my eyes. I felt him straddle my thighs and after a while his hands started kneading my shoulders
"Mmmm... that feels good..." I moaned and heard him chuckle
"Yes, it does..." he replied softly while his hands kneaded my muscles
"What happened with you and Daniel?" I asked
"We dated for a little while. Secretly of course. Small cities aren't exactly friendly towards gay people, right?"
"You can say that again..."
"Well, I guess we were too much of friends to work it out as a couple. We had done too much stupid stuff together, you know?" he said and I laughed
"How long did it last?"
"Not too much... about two months or so... we realized pretty soon that we were disastrous together" he laughed "We're still friends though and we meet whenever I go back to Lexington to visit my parents..."
"That's cool... good kisser?"
"Yup. Not as good as you though"
"Mmmm... flattery will get you everywhere, babe" I replied and we laughed
"What about you? Many good kissers before the master here?"
"Humbleness in person, huh?" I said and he giggled "I've kissed very few guys and the longest relationship I've had lasted only a month and a half but Darren was pretty good... the others are forgettable..."
"Why didn't it work for you guys?"
"He was too jealous and I didn't trust him... it's not that I didn't trust him, I just didn't trust. Period. I was still dealing with the idea of being a 19-year-old-guy-who-was-kicked-out-of-his-house-because-of-his-sexual-option-having-to-live-by-himself-in-a-strange-city... Darren was six years older than I, he had been out for a while, he was comfortable with himself, he had a good career, he was experienced, why would he want to be with me? It was sort of hard for me to believe him when he told me all those pretty stuff... people who had told me they loved me, people who were supposed to love me had abandoned me, why wouldn't he too, that sorta thing, you know?"
"Yeah..."
"One day I decided to break it up with him before he broke up with me... hurting people before they hurt me was my philosophy at the time... he asked me why... and I told him... and he understood and told me he had been where I was... he was a really amazing guy... another reason for me to wonder why he would want to stay with me... Besides that, we had very different goals in life. He had already firmed himself career-wise, he's a lawyer, he just wanted to settle down and find someone to grow old and bald together. I was young and everything I wanted at the time was get myself together so I would be able to live with myself and dance... So many things were in our way that, after I talked to him, we decided we were better off as friends..." I said and smiled at the memories "I was his bestman when he married Richard"
"WOW! He really sounds cool..."
"Yeah..." I replied softly and we fell silent "If you ever give up singing you could be a great masseur, you know?" I moaned and he chuckled
"Thanks" he said softly as his hands went from rubbing to stroking my skin... oh that felt really really good...
"I give you three hundred years to stop that..." I whispered as suddenly I was very aware of how warm he felt, how softly his hands were stroking me, I could feel every callus on his hands, I could feel the muscles of his thighs moving next to mine when he went to reach my shoulders, his... oh god... his breath on my skin just before his lips kissed up my spine until he reached my ear and tugged on the lobe with his teeth
"I'm finished" he whispered before tracing the outline of my ear with his warm, soft, wet tongue. I flipped onto my back, almost knocking him off of me in the process, and grabbed his sweater
"You may be but I'm not" I replied as I pulled him down and kissed him "This..." I muttered against his lips as I pulled his sweater up "... off..." I finished and our lips parted momentarily while he helped me pull the sweater over his head and throw it... well... somewhere... I flipped us over, almost getting fully on top of him. His arms came around my waist as I looked down at him "You're so beautiful..." I whispered while gazing at his eyes, my index finger tracing his beautiful face. I just had to be one of the luckiest men in the world "I'm so lucky to have you with me"
"We're pretty lucky to have each other" he replied before he kissed me. Such a chaste, sweet, soft, caring kiss that brought tears to my eyes. I hated being this emotional...
"Hold me tight..." I whispered against his neck while his arms hugged me tighter "Don't let me go..."
"Never..." he whispered before kissing my neck "I love you"
"I love you too..."
TBC...
***************************** OK, it's pretty long, huh? Did it make up for all the time I've been absent? I certainly hope so :) Mail me and tell me what you thought at luv_hugs_chocolate@hotmail.com See ya! Luv, hugs and chocolate! Fallen ^A^ngel