This work contains elements of sexuality between teenagers and includes homosexuality in prevalence. Please exercise proper discretion. Do not read this if it is illegal for you to do so or if the subject matter will potentially offend you. The author assumes no responsibility for misuse or misconduct associated with the dissemination or viewing of this work. Any characters, representations or events should be assumed to be purely fictional with any possible resemblance to the real world being entirely coincidental or otherwise such that it may be treated as innocuous. This work is copyrighted by the author, who retains all rights and priviledges. This work should not be reproduced without the written consent of the author. Please direct all feedback and comments to kanseiji@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.
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"From Where I Stand" by Kanseiji
Chapter Seventeen - A Few Steps, Back and Forth
"Forgive me father for I have sinned...well of course this isn't the first time...yeah, I know I've never gone to confession but...oh believe me this wasn't just a sin in the mind...like you've never had the urge to...really?...ya don't say...well I never thought of it that way...woah...that's messed up...are you kidding me?...um, who's confessing here, me or you?...ok, thanks, well as I was saying, huh?...yeah you sound familiar too...wait a sec...oh my go...please, taking the lord's name in vain is the least of my worries...oh jesus, that was you???..."
It wasn't exactly what I was expecting to read when I popped open Jase's journal, but oh well...got a little laugh out of it. He said he met some super Christian freak at work and got inspired to write something slightly odd...I guess weirdoes attract other weirdoes. I took a moment to shift to a more comfortable position in my chair before I continued reading to see if Jase wrote anything else. Calculus class was boring me out of my mind...the professor was going over things I already had down cold, so I didn't feel any need to pay attention. In fact, I would have left the class if it wasn't such a small class...leaving would require me to practically walk right in front of the professor, so I opted against it. I also didn't want to abandon Adam...though he already abandoned me in some fashion since he was happily dozing away in the corner seat next to me, slightly out of the direct view of the professor. There was another full 30 minutes of class left and finding nothing else to read in the journal, I looked around for something else to do...or at least something to think about.
The first day of classes was usually filled with nothing but fluff in my past experience, but the professor had decided to jump right in about 2 minutes after handing out the syllabus. My previous math teacher had gone above and beyond as far as material that had to be covered, so Adam and I were well squared away for a week or two as far as the material. The 20 or so other people in the class seemed more attentive, so I assumed that they hadn't covered the subject matter before...or they were just unusually diligent, but that was unlikely. Being summer, everyone had walked into class wearing an assortment of shorts, sandals, tank tops, etc...I didn't especially dress up myself in my thin polo, jeans and sandals, but the other people in the class seemed more chill than me.
My gaze wandered around the room as I gave everyone a once over. There was a decent mix of guys and girls in there...and more than a couple good looking ones of either sex. I hardly gave the 4 or 5 people sitting in the front row a second look...they seemed like the suck-up/brown-nosing types and expended a tad too much effort in raising their hands to answer questions. Their presence just came across as tiresome. The classroom had about 4 rows of desks and the second row was largely empty. The balance of the people occupied the back 2 rows. Adam and I had arrived relatively early since he was paranoid about finding the right room. He didn't know the campus as well as me, so I humored him and went early too. After we got there, we managed to snag one of the back corners, where Adam was taking full advantage of the wall for sleeping against.
Somewhere around approximating functions with Taylor polynomials, I lost interest in everything else in the room...and I found myself just gazing over at Adam. I was wishing that he would wake up so I wouldn't have to endure the boredom of consciousness all by myself, but I didn't have the heart to wake him. Since that Saturday that we spent together, we became nigh-inseparable...of course there were probably some contributing factors to that. The morning after our party night was...slightly awkward would probably be the best way to describe it. When we fell asleep, we were a bit close to each other, but nothing that looked too incriminating...however, when we woke up, that was a different story. We must have been acrobats in our sleep or something, because we had somehow managed to both shed our t-shirts, reversed sides of the bed and twisted the blanket twice over...oh yeah, and I woke up spooning with Adam quite comfortably...though there was a little, uh, not so little problem pressing into my back. I woke up first, but Adam woke up soon after...and thankfully he was just as surprised at the situation as I was.
"Um...Chris...did...we...um...oh man..." Adam stammered out nervously after we disentangled ourselves. He looked so nervous and confused...if anything that was enough to reassure me that everything happened unconsciously.
"Uh, Adam...I don't think anything happened. I think we're just both...rough sleepers, hehe." Adam was still noticeably shaken, which got me wondering a little.
"Ok...I just...I thought we...I thought I fell asleep on the other side of the bed...wearing a shirt."
"Heh...yeah me too. I guess we got hot or something...and then got cold again, haha." I rummaged around the sheets a little and found our discarded t-shirts. Adam quickly replaced his, blushing the whole way. I rather involuntarily tilted my head to get a better view of Adam's nice, tight torso before the shirt hid everything...yeah, still gay. I put my own shirt on and climbed out of bed to retrieve my pants.
"Um, Chris?" I turned around just as I started fixing my belt to find Adam looking at me...still outwardly nervous and unsettled.
"Adam, are you ok?" I was starting to get a bit worried at that point.
"Chris...uh...fuck. Are we...are we ok?"
"Aw Adam, of course we are. Why wouldn't we be?" It looked like he was a bit more confused about everything than I was.
"It's just...I mean...grrr," Adam grimaced as he sat down on the bed, his face in his hands.
"Hey," I started as I sat down next to him and put what I hoped would be perceived as a completely platonic arm around his shoulders. "What's bugging you, man?"
A couple deep sighs later, Adam let up, "I just don't know what's wrong with me..."
"There's nothing wrong with you, Adam."
A few more deep sighs and then the confession, "Then why am I not happy?"
Uh oh...that didn't sound good. "What do you mean?" Then a light went off in my head. "Are you really not ok with CJ?"
"I don't think we're gonna work out. We're just too different...and...god..."
"What?"
"I just don't feel it, y'know? That's why...that's why I freaked out when we woke up."
That didn't really clarify anything for me. "Huh?" I was just filled with smooth lines that morning.
Adam couldn't even bring his eyes to meet mine. "I just...it felt good...waking up with you. I just don't feel that way with CJ...and we're not even going out," he admitted as he looked up at me for the briefest instant. "I just want to be happy." Then his face went back into his hands. "I'm sorry."
"Hey now, you don't have anything to be sorry about."
"You're with Jase...I shouldn't be doing this..."
"What do you think you're doing that's so wrong?"
"I'm...it just feels good...being around you. I...I feel like I'm leaching off of you and..."
"Adam, what do you mean leaching? I like being around you too."
"But you're not trying to sap out feelings that you should be getting from being with your boyfriend."
"Hey, sometimes it's just easier to feel good around friends, y'know? There aren't the same expectations that there are in relationships."
"You and Jase don't seem to have any trouble."
"I lucked out...seriously. I can't quite say the same for Jase though..."
"Huh? What're you talking about?"
"I've got plenty of issues...and screwed up a few times. Jase had to put up with a lot of shit because of me."
"Heh," Adam chuckled a little. "I guess I'm a little out of the loop with everything that's happened with everyone."
"Hehe, yeah. Welcome to the breakfast club."
"Personally though, no matter what happened before," Adam began as he put his own arm around my shoulders and squeezed slightly. "I think Jase is pretty lucky too."
"Heh, thanks. Hey, if things aren't working out with you and CJ, that's ok. Besides, you won't be single for long, you stud," I chuckled as I nudged him playfully.
"Hehe, I hope so."
"Oh yeah, and you are not leaching off of me...I really like spending time with you too. Besides, our best friends seemed to have ditched us for each other, haha." That was kinda true...Becks and Justin were pretty caught up with each other at the time.
"Heh, yeah they sorta did, huh? I mean I know I'm no Justin..."
"Please, as long as your ego stays the size it is now, we'll get along great."
And we did get along...in fact, everyone seemed to be getting along. It turned out that CJ was having similar feelings about the relationship, so Ryan and I sat a bit apprehensively in the living room of the apartment while Adam and CJ had a talk...by the end of which, they had broken up very nicely, having decided that they were better off as just friends. Ryan and I breathed a collective sigh of relief and we all just hung out that night. It was actually a bit surprising how well Adam and CJ were getting along after their breakup...they even volunteered to cook dinner...together. I just chatted with Ryan with some level of disbelief.
"I don't quite get those two," I admitted to Ryan as we both took curious looks over to the kitchen.
"Heh, yeah me neither. I think they just wanted to talk a little more though." Ryan settled a bit into his seat and looked over at me. "So how are you doing? We haven't talked too much lately."
I turned to Ryan and smiled. "I'm doing pretty well. Yeah I guess we've been taking care of our respective boys, huh?"
"Haha, yeah I guess so. So...I take it Jase told you about the little crush Adam has on you."
I rolled my eyes at him. "Please don't tell me you're hopping on the drama train too..."
"Ha! Naw, just wondering. Speaking of which, I haven't seen Jase around much this weekend."
"Yeah he had to do some family stuff and he's also hanging out with Eric and Paul a bit since he's been scarce lately."
"Everything ok with you two?"
"Everything's great," I said with an almost boastful smile.
"Heh, good. We can't have too many breakups all at once. It's depressing."
"Haha, well I don't think that should be a problem."
"Well you two are just a good fit, so that's no surprise. Actually if anything I'm just surprised you guys don't have guys just jumping all over you."
Insert blushing Chris here. "Ok, my therapist told me that I should learn to take compliments, but I feel like people are going out of their way to do it. I'm better now, I promise."
"Haha, nah I'm serious."
"Well I guess I've got Adam...hehe. Oh and Jase...we're not out at school and Jase does chase off girls every once in a while."
Ryan smirked a little. "I wish I had that particular problem..."
"Aw come on. You seem to be with a girl off and on a lot anyway."
"Yeah I know, but I haven't really met anyone good for a while."
"Eh, it'll happen sooner or later. Oh and if I run into any eligibles, I'll send `em your way."
"Sweet. I should probably play this gay loving card of mine more often...girls just love that."
"You mean you haven't been? What's wrong with you?"
"Haha, whatever."
Towards the end of the class, I was dozing off myself. In fact, it was Adam that had to nudge me into consciousness when it was time to leave. Neither of us had another class, so the rest of the day was fair game. We left the building and started walking out on the yard. It was a nice day...not too hot just then and sunny...so there were plenty of people outside, studying, sunbathing or otherwise hanging out.
Adam took the initiative as far as enjoying the nice weather. He found a nice unoccupied grassy spot on the yard, half in the shade of one of the big trees, and got comfortable, laying his head down on his backpack. I just snickered at him as he laid there, eyes closed with a huge smile on his face. Walking up, I sat down next to him and started people watching a bit.
Turning to Adam for a moment, I commented, "And here I thought I slept a lot."
Adam laughed and retorted, "Oh come on, class was boring as hell and this is perfect napping weather." He had a point there. "Hey," he said as he patted the ground next to him. "Just lie down and enjoy it."
I shook my head. "Could you say anything gayer and more suggestive?" Adam got a wondering look on his face for a moment before the realization hit him.
"Oh, ha ha. You want gay and suggestive?" Adam then got up, proceeded to tackle me as I tried to squirm away and resumed napping while lying on top of me. "There we go, nice and comfy."
"Oof! Come on, you're heavy!"
"HA! You're just scrawny!" Adam had a bit of a weight advantage on me, but I still tried to get out from under him...which was exceedingly difficult with his arms wrapped around my torso....not that I wasn't enjoying the contact, but I did feel a bit self-conscious about doing that in public.
"Haha, ok come on Adam, I can't breathe."
"Hehe, ok." He let me up and laid down on the ground an inch or so away from me. Brushing myself off, I took a position next to him and closed my eyes as a nice, gentle breeze blew past.
"Fags..." My eyes shot open as I heard that...and they were greeted with a view of a 2 guys and 2 girls a few feet away. Adam sprung up as he heard it too...and he looked pissed.
"Jeez Rob, don't be an asshole," one of the guys said to the other...the one that made the comment...with the 2 girls in the group giving similar looks of distaste.
"Got a problem?" Adam spoke up, jaw clenched and fists curled up. His eyes were locked on the guy that had made the comment...honestly, it wasn't even a question who would come out on top in a fight between those two. This particular bigot was a skinny white kid that looked like he spent too much time in an Abercrombie store and not enough time in the gym...Adam was a pretty hardcore athlete and was built like one...that guy would have been toast. Of course he obviously didn't think so as he almost immediately talked back.
"No one's talking to you, fag. Just go back to your boyfriend," the idiot spat out, holding his arms out like your typical punk.
Of all of the possible reactions I might have had, I managed to just meet out, "Oooo...big mistake..." Adam got up and started to walk over. Now normally Adam was very coolheaded and calm, but that guy had really hit a button...Adam looked like he was going to mutilate the guy. I got up quickly and grabbed Adam's arm to hold him back a bit while my opposite number did the same to the loudmouth.
"Dude, Rob, shut the fuck up or this guy is gonna kick your fucking ass and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop him," he said as he got between Adam and the dumbass.
Now this guy on the other hand was easily 6 feet tall and was more similar in build to Adam or Justin...luckily he seemed to be at least tolerant. The dumbass, probably just trying to save face to some extent, just let out a "pssh" and walked off, leaving the other guy and the 2 girls. Adam visibly calmed down as he released his fists.
"Sorry about that guys, Rob is just a complete dumbass sometimes," the remaining guy offered.
Adam was still breathing a little heavily, so I answered, "It's ok. Um, thanks by the way."
"Heh, no worries. Oh, I'm Aaron," he introduced himself, after which he motioned to the two girls he was with. "This is Emily and my girlfriend Sarah." Just by habit, I looked them all over...Emily was pretty plain looking, blond hair and average features, but Sarah was a looker, even to me. On the other hand, as I looked Aaron over quickly, he was pretty good himself, so it made some sense.
"I'm Chris and this is Adam," I introduced as us guys shook hands and the girls waved.
Sarah was next to speak up, "Yeah Rob is just an idiot, so don't mind him. Are you guys SSP students?"
Adam finally spoke. "Yup." It wasn't much, but at least he seemed calm again, if just a bit apprehensive.
"Cool, us too," Sarah continued. "Where are you guys from?"
"We're from Boston actually," I offered.
"Oh, cool," Emily threw in. "We're all from Minnesota."
"Oh wow, came a ways huh?" I asked.
"Yeah well we figured it'd be cool do spend the summer out here, so we all applied," Aaron answered. "I promise we're not all bigots in the Midwest, haha."
"Yeah, you guys are really cute together," Sarah threw in as she and Emily giggled...Aaron just smiled and rolled his eyes. Adam turned away slightly and blushed as I bit my lip slightly.
"Ooohh," Aaron seemed to catch on. "You guys aren't together? Wait, are you guys even gay?"
Adam and I laughed as I answered, "Yeah we're gay, but no, we're not together...just friends." Adam smiled weakly at them.
"Aww...that's so cute!" Sarah and Emily continued giggling...what's with girls and giggling over gay guys anyway?
"Haha, ok that's cool," Aaron said. "So hey, we were actually gonna try to wander around Boston a little cause our classes are done for today, but um...we kinda have no idea where anything is..." Now that was an amazing guy...how many straight guys would admit to not knowing exactly where they're going, let alone ask a couple of gay guys for directions? On some levels, he actually reminded me of Justin. I looked over at Adam and he seemed receptive to the idea.
"Well we could show you guys around a bit," Adam offered and then smirked. "Or rather Chris can show you around and I'll tag along."
"Haha, you don't know your way around your hometown?" Sarah joked.
"Heh, yeah well we're actually from Quincy and I just never went out exploring as much as Chris."
"Cool...this is perfect. The girls wanted to go shopping and well...not to reinforce any stereotypes or anything..." Aaron trailed off.
I was a bit amused. "Heh, don't worry, the stereotype half applies to me."
As far as random activities go, showing a bunch of people from out of town the good shopping spots in Boston is pretty fun...even if it does involve girls and shopping. Luckily, Sarah and Emily were pretty cool and weren't, for lack of a better reference, Paris Hilton clones...I think I would have found the nearest tree and made myself a noose. The girls also managed to get Adam to come out of his shell a bit and though he didn't know his way around Boston as well as I did, he did have a better fashion sense than me, especially when it came to women's clothing...I guess hanging out with Becks contributed to that. The hot zone that got the girls excited was Newbury Street of course...god, when they saw the Chanel store, they practically screamed. Still, it was a fun way to spend the afternoon.
After a while, Adam started being the more social one and I took the opportunity to start getting lost in my own thoughts. Actually, one thing that prompted some of my pondering was when I learned that these nice new people I met went to a Catholic high school back in Minnesota. If anything, that threw me for a loop...the last thing I expected was a bunch of Catholics from the Midwest to be open and understanding about gay people. On the other hand, their friend Rob was from the same place and wasn't as understanding, so I guess there are all sorts and it's just best not to over-generalize. Growing up, my mom was careful not to jam religion down on me and my brother, so we both ended up kind of agnostic. My mom was a Catholic growing up, but she subscribed more to the idea that God works in mysterious ways and that you should just do your best to do good things in life...no dogma. In general, I strongly distrusted religion and those who followed religion...but I had to admit, these guys were alright.
Sarah actually started something by asking if Adam and I had boyfriends...which of course made Adam a little uncomfortable, but it looked like he was doing ok mostly. He actually made it clear whether it was an ok topic by throwing out that I had a boyfriend. That got Sarah's attention onto me...sneaky guy.
"Ooo! So what's his name?" Sarah asked first. Adam just chuckled and left me with Sarah as he, Emily and Aaron stood back to watch.
"Uh, Jason."
"Hehehe, cute name. Is he cute? I bet he is. You don't have a picture do you?"
Adam decided to chime in, "He actually keeps a picture of him in his wallet and as the background on his cell phone." He winked at me as I gave him a subtle evil stare...I made a mental note to get him back later. I took out my phone and handed it to an excited Sarah, who started to giggle uncontrollably when she saw the picture of Jase on my background.
"OH MY GOD! HE'S SOO CUTE! We should so double date some time...that would be so fun!" Wow...perky girls. Aaron seemed to share my sentiment to some extent as he rolled his eyes at Sarah. I quietly sighed in relief when he came over and put an arm around Sarah.
"Ok babe, stop ogling over the cute gay guys."
"Aww," Sarah cooed at Aaron as she kissed him on the cheek...kinda cute actually. She turned to me and said, "He gets a little tiny bit jealous, even if I'm looking at a gay guy, haha." Aaron got a jokingly irritated look on his face. "I think we should hang out more, hehe."
"Yeah well, if you have to hang out with other guys," Aaron began, "I'm glad they'd rather have sex with each other than you," he concluded with a sly smirk. I was thoroughly amused with the entire thing. It had occurred to me that I wanted to meet some new people...preferably nice, cool people...over the summer. It looked like a good start.
"I'm sorry babe, but I don't think I'll make it tonight." That was a bit of a disappointment for me as I lay in bed on the phone with Jase.
I sighed audibly. "It's ok...I just miss you."
"I miss you too. I just need to do some work tonight on my computer at home. I promise I'll be by tomorrow night."
"Ok...I'll hold you to that."
"Hehe, good. So your day was good?"
"Heh, yeah it was." I recounted some of the major highlights to him. The afternoon had turned out very fun and it looked like I had some new friends to spend some time with...all in all a good day.
"Aww, that's great. So Adam's doing ok?"
"Yeah...but man, you should have seen him. I've never seen him pissed like that."
"Well I think we all kinda get that way with shit like that."
"I know I do. I told you about that encounter with Tony at school, right?"
"Yup...at least he didn't really mean anything by it. This Rob character sounds like your garden variety ass."
"Pretty much."
"So Adam put the moves on you a little, huh? Hehe." I rolled my eyes...and even though he couldn't see, he knew. "Ok, don't roll your eyes at me."
"He did not put the moves on me...we were just goofing around."
"Haha, ok...but Adam is a hottie though."
"Grr...be that as it may, we're just good friends."
"Hehe...hey, you know I'm just joking around, right?"
There was my over-thinking Jase. "Of course I do...although on some level, I'm kinda glad you're paying attention."
"Hah, yeah well, can't be too careful. Otherwise someone else may snatch you up and I ain't losing you, haha."
"Glad to hear it."
"Ok, I'm gonna try to get this work done so I can go to bed before the sun comes up. I love you."
Mmm...always made me smile. "Love you too. Gimme a call tomorrow."
"Will do. G'night babe."
"G'night. Mwah." I ended the call and put my phone on the bed stand. My eyes were starting to close a little when the phone sprang back to life with another call. "Hello?"
"Um, hey Ace."
"Oh hey J, what's up?"
"Uh...are you busy right now?"
"Uh, not really...I was gonna go to sleep soon. What's going on?"
"Is Jase there?" I was starting to get a little curious...and worried. Justin sounded a bit...well, meek over the phone. That was very much not like him.
"No, he's spending the night at home. Justin, what's wrong? Are you ok?"
"Um...I don't know...can I come up there?"
"J, of course you can."
"Ok...I'll give you a call when I get there." With that he hung up.
I knew it would take him almost an hour to get to me by the T, which gave me plenty of time to worry. In all the years I had known him, I don't think I had ever heard him sound quite like that. I started pacing in my room...then in the living room...then I started looking out the window and at the clock a lot. It's a good thing everyone was asleep because I think I would have appeared quite insane.
During what was probably my 50th trip to the window, I spied a familiar form approaching the building. A quick phone call and some access doors later, Justin was in the apartment. He was very quiet and looked completely sullen...he walked rather instinctively into my bedroom as I followed. I closed the door and sat down on the bed next to him where he was pulling his hair as his face rested in his hands.
I hugged him slightly. "Hey J, what's wrong. Come on, talk to me." Justin's eyes came into view...they were slightly wet. I think overall, he just looked scared and uncertain.
"Ace...God, I feel like a little girl, running up here like this..."
"Heh, hey now...you don't have to do the tough guy routine with me. So what's up? Are you ok? Did something happen?" I rubbed his back as soothingly as I could.
"I'm fine...at least...it's nothing really serious. I guess I'm just a bit upset about it..." Justin took a deep breath before continuing. "I think I'm moving."
My hand stopped moving on his back and my eyes grew wide. "Wha?"
"I overheard mom and dad talking tonight...they were talking about moving."
I was a bit taken aback...moving? Justin's family had been in that house since his parents got married. I was getting a little scared myself at the prospect of my best friend not being there right across the street from my own house.
"J...are you sure?"
"I don't know...I just listened in. But they were talking about it pretty seriously...including how they should tell me and Scott. I snuck out after that."
"They don't know you're up here?"
"It's ok...they'll probably think I'm up here anyway. They'll call if they get worried." Justin went through a few more deep breaths. "Ace...I don't want to move. Things are great right now...I don't want to go away from everything now...I know it's a bit selfish, but I'm in a good place right now."
I could definitely relate to that feeling. "J, it may not be for sure. Look, your parents are gonna talk to you about this before anything happens. I mean, in a year, you'll be at college anyway. Did you hear when this might happen?" He just shook his head no. "Well it may not happen for a while yet. So don't worry about it too much. Look, why don't you just spend the night here and just try to sleep it off. You'll be able to talk to your parents about this later...don't let it get you all worked up just yet."
Deep sigh and, "Ok...thanks Ace." Justin turned to hug me full on...and tight too. I hugged him back hard.
"Hey, just grab some of my stuff out of the dresser. Everyone's asleep I think, so you can grab a shower if you want."
A few minutes later, Justin was showering while I lay in bed thinking about what he had just revealed. For about 11 years, I had never been without Justin for any extended period of time. He was always right there...living across the street from each other had really helped reinforce our friendship. We were just always together. It was a bit of a change for me to be living up in Cambridge for the summer away from him. I mean, he was spending a lot of time with Becks and I had other people to hang out with too...and of course there was Jase...but I still felt more at home when he was around. The realization that he may not be there anymore was hard...I instantly felt lost. I tried to reassure myself about the situation with the same thoughts that I had given Justin...of course trying to convince yourself of something isn't always fruitful. I did my best to put my worries to rest, at least for the night. When Justin came back in, he assumed I was asleep...I was pretty close anyway. He turned off the lights and just slid into bed, taking up his normal position...holding me tight. I fell asleep in the warm familiarity of his arms, doing everything to convince myself that it wouldn't be the last time.