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"From Where I Stand" by Kanseiji
Chapter Nine - Mind's Eye
"Perfect spot," I said aloud, congratulating myself on my little discovery. I had wandered all over half of Boston looking for the right locale...somewhere to do some drawing and some reading. I had been sitting on my hands as it were for about a week since Jason had offered up his past in a nice little book format. We had spent a lot of time just talking during the week...I was finding out plenty about him and vice versa, so I tried to hold off reading what he had written. He never asked or bothered me about reading it...I guess he felt that he had given it to me, so it was my move.
The first snow had fallen and melted away just days before. Fall was still holding onto dear life and refusing to surrender completely to the oncoming winter...which I was very thankful for. The weather was a bit chilly, but on a given day it could be pleasant or slightly bitter. I had been waiting for a chance to go out on one of the more pleasant days before everything was snowy white. During the week I had talked my art teacher into giving me a little extension...I told him I had been hit by some inspiration and that I needed more time to explore it completely before I sealed it into paper. Whether that was a lie or not wasn't the point...I laid it on thick and got the extension. He even said he was glad that I was taking a greater interest in my artwork. It took a good chunk of willpower to keep myself from rolling over and laughing to death...well I guess you don't become a part-time high school art teacher at a public school without being just a little dumb.
I had found a nice little spot on the Charles River Esplanade. The park was still relatively vibrant considering the season. I had a nice view of Cambridge over the slightly breezed ripples of the river. The sun was peaking out here and there between the slightly gray clouds...it was still chilly enough for me to wear a jacket though. Most of the trees were clinging onto a few leaves, but otherwise they were bare. The park grounds were still somewhat green and luckily everything was mostly dry. When I left the house I must have looked like I was going backpacking. I had everything imaginable with me...a giant drawing pad, Jase's first journal, eight kinds of charcoal and pencils, erasers, paper towels, a couple bottles of water, snacks, my laptop, a digital camera, CD player and a butterfly chair. I also got out of the house at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning...that was a monumental feat in itself. I had spent about an hour and a half tracking down just the right spot on the esplanade.
It took probably 20 minutes to lay out everything so I could work...I turned a nice little grassy patch into a mini-studio. After I got everything laid out the way I wanted, I turned to what I had hoped would be my source of inspiration...the journal. Except for the large section Jase had just written, I had read everything in it a few times over at least. Every time I read it, I felt the urge to write or draw something, so I was hoping I would find what I needed to create an awe-inspiring piece so I could feel good about it...and get an A of course.
I sat back in my chair and put on my headphones. I had a CD Jase had burned for me in the player...he called it a "mellow mix" for when I was doing artwork. I absolutely loved listening to it when I was drawing...it was just the right mix of head bop promoting beats without being too distracting...at least not for me. I had kinda eclectic music tastes and on occasion I would listen to a set of four or five songs continuously for days at a time. The first song got playing as I got settled...it was strangely appropriate.
I was young but I wasn't naive I watched helpless as you turned around to leave And still I have the pain I have to carry A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
Listening to the soothing sound of Lifehouse, I cracked open the journal and started reading about Jase...
After all this time I never thought we'd be here Never thought we'd be here When my love for you was blind But I couldn't make you see it Couldn't make you see it That I loved you more than you'll ever know A part of me died when I let you go
I must have been reading a page a minute or so. Jase had written the passage as sort of a letter to me...I could hear his voice in my head speaking to me. At that point I knew that he had a lot of issues in his past...he implied they were similar to mine, but up until then he hadn't told me any details or specifics. I really had no idea.
I would fall asleep Only in hopes of dreaming That everything would be like is was before But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
After about 30 minutes of reading, I was probably half done with the passage. I had to take a break to sort of catch my breath...and choke back a few tears. Suddenly my mind was filled with images...my thoughts were jumping around so fast that I could barely catch a glimpse of each before they mutated or dissolved. I quickly set down the journal and went to my computer. I opened a folder with pictures that Jase and I had taken of each other. I looked around a little and found one I had taken of Jase looking over the river as he stood on the banks. I blew it up as large as I could and placed my computer down next to my drawing pad. Just then another song came up. I grabbed some charcoal and dust started flying.
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking When you fall everyone sins Another day and you've had your fill of sinking With the life held in your Hands are shaking cold These hands are meant to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along Move along
I only paused my spurt when my hands got too black to do anymore without smudging the entire thing. I wiped off my hands and took out my digital camera. I took pictures of some side sketches I had done for the sole purpose of editing them on the computer. I started to put together all the pieces of my composition in my head. When I was decently satisfied with the computer images, I went back to paper and got my hands dirty again. The main image I had been working on was taking form. I felt like the picture was already there...I could see it in my mind...I was just filling in what I was envisioning. All the while my head was nodding to the beat in my headphones.
I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone I'm getting old and I need something to rely on So tell me when you're gonna let me in I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree I felt the branches of it looking at me Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
I noticed the outside world again when the CD had played out and the music died. I reached for my phone and discovered that it was almost two in the afternoon. Looking back on my composition, I was relatively happy with what I had accomplished. My fingers were black with charcoal again, so I washed them off and started to pack up my things. I munched on a few granola bars as I sprayed some workable fixative on my piece so it wouldn't smudge during transport. I had a feeling that I would want to do some more work on it later, but I was decently satisfied at that moment. After I had finished packing up, I became aware of how hungry I was when my stomach grumbled...quite audibly. I looked around a little to make sure I didn't scare any unsuspecting children and then made my way towards the T. As laden with stuff that I was, I didn't feel like going home just yet, so I boarded a train heading to Harvard Square...the promise of food and coffee along with somewhere to sit back a little coaxing me along.
Twenty minutes later, I was holding all my stuff plus an iced coffee and a tomato cheddar melt on a bagel as I walked onto Harvard Yard. It had turned more towards sunny than cloudy, so outside felt nice and comfortable. I spied an empty spot on the stair platform of Widener Library and sat down for a late lunch. I started listening to my CD again and proceeded in a nice round of people watching...I thought college students were very intriguing at the time...I guess I still do, but my perspective was a little different then. The campus was bustling with students running around with their backpacks and the occasional laundry or grocery bag. I always felt a bit free and liberated when I walked around Harvard...I had decided at a young age that I wanted to go there for college...it was part of what motivated me to do well in school. As I got older, I learned about some of the realities of how the college system worked...and according to my brother, Harvard undergrads were just a bunch of pompous brats going to a school that gave mostly A's. On the other hand, he also said that it didn't matter...if you went to Harvard, people would recognize it as an achievement no matter what. Of course he owned a shirt that had the Harvard seal on it and under it said "because not everyone can get into MIT." Yeah...my family was a bunch of academic snobs. My brother could pull it off, the prodigy that he was...he had the gall to apply to Stanford the day the application was due...he even wrote his essay in 15 minutes...the essay was about the significance of hard drives...dork. He was a little offended when he didn't get in...not that he really cared. I think he applied to some schools so he would have a nice round number of applications.
"This seat taken?"
I was a little startled as someone tapped me on the shoulder and shook me out of my reverie. "Huh? Oh, um, I don't think so."
"Mind if I sit here?"
"Be my guest." I took a look up to see who I was talking to...the sun was behind the person so I had a hard time seeing. Covering my eyes a little, I focused in on the source of the voice. A tall shadow moved toward me and sat down nearby on the concrete platform. As the person drew away from the blinding sunlight, I got a better look...and a nice look it was...
"I'm Ryan by the way." He offered out his hand...which I, a little shyly, reached out for to shake...he had a very nice grip and I returned as much as I could...guys and the eternal testosterone contest. The guy had one up on me though...or five up on me, whatever. I had a hard time telling since he was sitting at the moment, but he looked a bit taller than me, had short slightly curly dark brown hair and a nice pair of piercing green eyes...he smiled back at me with a big toothy grin that highlighted his clean, simple facial structure. Oh yeah, nice dimples too.
"Hey, I'm Chris." I was a bit nervous...I wasn't quite used to hot guys just coming up to me and introducing themselves...still not in fact.
"Nice to meet you. I think I've seen you around before, you go here?"
He'd seen me? "Um, no...I'm just here a lot...kinda like the surroundings." I was probably stammering slightly and doing my best to act completely straight.
"Oh cool. I can never tell, I barely know anyone here and the campus is really public."
"Yeah...I guess we random people just like to wander through."
"Haha. You must be a frequent though...I swear I've seen you a bunch of times."
"Really? Yeah I guess you might have...I walk around here a lot."
"Actually I think I remember because of that."
I looked where he was pointing...my giant sketchpad. "Oh yeah...I guess not too many people walk around with a drawing pad bigger than them, heh."
"Hah, yeah not many...you an artist?"
"Pretend to be on occasion." At the time, I think the exchange had been the longest conversation I'd ever had with someone I didn't know. It was a little against my nature, but the guy was taking the trouble to strike up a dialog with me...I thought I should at least put forth a little effort. "So do you go here?" Brilliant, Chris.
"Yup, I'm a freshman. How bout you?"
"I'm actually a junior in high school. I go to school in Quincy."
"Oh wow, a bit far from home huh? Haha."
"Heh, sorta yeah. I just like it up here better than around home."
"Yeah I can understand that...I'm from California. This was about the farthest away I could manage."
"Wow, taking it to the extreme huh?"
"Haha yeah, couldn't wait to get away from home."
"I kinda feel the same way...but I like it around here a lot."
"Have you applied to college?"
"Not yet, that'll be next year."
"Oh right, junior...sorry I'm a bit out of practice. Haha."
"Heh, yeah. I'd promptly forget about college applications too after I got in anywhere."
"Thinking about applying here?"
"Yeah...probably my big shot in the dark, but I really wanna come here."
"Ah well, it's very simple...4.0 GPA, 50 extracurriculars, 1600 SAT score and/or a building named after your family."
"Ha! Yeah I figured as much."
"Hah, but seriously, if you do well in school, there's a good chance...I'm still surprised I got in."
"What do you study?"
"That's a good question...I'll let you know when I figure it out myself. Haha."
"Heh, undecided huh?"
"Yeah...I'm in premed classes and just basic requirements right now. I'll probably end up doing some kind of science."
"Oh that's cool, that's my plan too."
"Wanna be a doctor?"
"Nah...can't stand needles or dead people...heh."
"Heh, yeah that may not be the best idea then. So what are you doing up here today? Drawing something?"
He motioned back to my drawing pad and my massive bag of supplies. "Yeah I was actually on the esplanade doing stuff for an art project...came up here to grab food and unwind a little."
"Well Harvard's good for that...I have trouble focusing on studying cause I feel so relaxed here."
"So are you out here just killing time then?"
"Yeah kinda. I actually just spent a couple hours in the library studying and I couldn't take it anymore. Besides, it's too nice out to be inside studying."
"Yeah, you should take advantage of it before we freeze over."
"Haha, yeah I'm not looking forward to that...haven't really dealt with the whole `snow thing' before."
"It's not so bad. Winter here is pretty mild most of the time. There are those freak periods where we get like foot after foot of snow, but those are a bit rare."
"Oh joy...at some point I have to go buy a real jacket. This is about the heaviest thing I have right now," he said, pinching part of his track jacket.
"Yeah...you're gonna want something a bit heavier...North Face is a good buy usually. It's expensive, but warm."
"Yeah I was thinking about that actually. I still haven't even gone out much to go shopping or whatever here...I miss my car."
"Haha, yeah Boston isn't exactly car friendly anyway. Figured out the T yet?"
"Sorta. I'm kinda bad with directions and such, so I got lost the last time I went out on the T...haha."
"Yeah it can get confusing...streets here don't exactly make any sense. If you go out into town with someone else who knows how to get around a little, you'll be fine though."
"Yeah. Unfortunately I still don't know too many people. At the moment most of the people I know fall into the study freak category or the prude category...so not really the ideal people to go out exploring with."
"Haha, yeah I guess not. I was always worried about the prude factor here."
"Oh it's real, believe me. I swear so many people here think they're the shit..."
"Heh, yeah I've had the pleasure of seeing a few here and there. The best are the ones you see at coffee places ordering stuff with 10+ words in it."
"HA! Yeah I know those are crazy. Personally I'm an iced coffee guy...don't really need anything more complicated than that."
Oooo...I really liked the guy. "Yeah me too," I said shaking the remnants of my iced coffee.
"Caffeine addict too?"
"I'm not an addict...I just need it every day or I'll kill something."
"Ha! Yeah me too. One time at home one of my friends hid my coffee...I nearly beat him senseless when he wouldn't tell me where it was."
"People should know better than to come between a man and his coffee."
"Yeah no kidding. Um...I'm not keeping you from anything am I? I don't mean to be occupying you too much with my disillusioned college student act," he said with a bit of a sly smile...god he had a pretty smile.
"Haha, nah it's ok. I came out today to get this project mostly done and to relax a bit...and I'm pretty much done with the project and this is kinda relaxing anyway."
"Haha, cool. I usually don't sit and talk with complete strangers, really."
"Heh, yeah me neither."
"Actually after I saw you with that thing again," motioning again to the giant drawing pad, "I kinda wanted to see what would need paper that big."
"Heh...it's just for formal projects. My art teacher likes me to work big and bugs me about it."
"Ah. Mind if I see?"
"Um, guess not. Hopefully you won't go blind."
"Haha. You should see some of the so called `artwork' they have around here. I can survive anything now."
I was a little hesitant...I had met this guy like 20 minutes before and I was a bit self-conscious about my artwork...he was just so nice. What the hell right? "Alright, knock yourself out."
He opened my pad and his eyes went wide almost instantly. "Woah...this is great." He was looking at the massive composition I had been working on that day. The piece was basically a huge crowd of people in various shades of gray and what was supposed to be a kind of eerie fog. In the middle of the crowd were two people in motion...passing each other as they walked in opposite directions. One figure was looking completely in the direction he was walking, but the other had his head turned as if he was starting to look back...that figure was based on Jase. The other figure was based on me. "Is this you?" Ryan asked, pointing at the figure.
"Supposed to be..." I wasn't completely satisfied with it, but it at least resembled me so I was going to tackle the details later. "It still needs a little work."
"Wow Chris...this is amazing. These people look so real...it actually reminds me of a scene from...oh what is it...City of Angels?"
Oooo...good movie. "Oh...thanks. Didn't really associate it, but yeah I guess it does look kinda like it. Haha."
"Ever think of studying art?"
"Haha, nope. Art is my hobby and sorta my creative release...if I had to study it I'd go insane."
"Yeah I can understand that...you have a lot of talent though. You should at least take a class or two in college...should be easy A's. Haha."
"Maybe I will."
He flipped through some of the other pages in the pad. I had a couple of Chinese style landscapes, some figure studies and other random things. "These are all really good. God I wish I could draw like this, heh."
"Do you draw at all?"
"Oh yeah...it's not like this though...everything I do ends up being like a comic or cartoon."
"Haha, that's cool. I can't do cartoons...they always looked completely deformed, don't know why."
"Heh, yeah well I can't draw a person accurately to save my life. I guess everyone has their own knack for some things and not others."
"Yeah probably." A few seconds later, I felt my pants vibrate. I jumped a little. "Oh, sorry, phone call." Ryan just nodded and continued examining my drawing pad. "Hello?"
"Hey babe."
Instant smile. "Oh hey Jase!"
"How's the pilgrimage going?"
"Haha, pretty good."
"Where are you now?"
"The yard. I'm mostly done, I was just chatting with someone."
"Huh? Really? Alright who is he? Haha."
"Heh, I'll tell you later."
"Ooooo...must be hot. Take a picture...or draw him or something. Haha."
"Haha, yeah whatever. So what are you up to?"
"Just got back home...was wondering when you were coming back." I could almost see him grinning suggestively.
"Hmm...soon probably."
"Want some company when you get back?"
"Always."
"Hehe...good. Ok, gimme a call or something when you get back. You can go back to the hottie you're with now. Ha."
"Haha whatever. Ok, talk to you soon."
"K. Mwah." He hung up before I could respond.
Ryan looked over at me very nonchalantly. "Boyfriend?"
That caught me off guard. "Wha?"
"Oh whoops...sorry. Didn't mean to put you on the spot like that...also didn't mean to imply that you were gay if you're not...ok I'm gonna stop talking now, heh." He was biting his lip.
"Um...it's ok, I am gay...um, how the?"
"Yeah...I have pretty good gaydar," he laughed a little shyly.
"Oh...cool. Um...are you..."
"Nope...at least probably not. I like girls, but the fact that I can spot a gay guy randomly in a crowd always made me wonder a little. Haha."
"Heh, yeah that's interesting...I couldn't identify a gay guy at NYU without assistance." Cheap shot at NYU, I know, but it's true.
"HA! Wow, that's pretty bad."
"Yeah I know."
"So, boyfriend?" he asked again, pointing at the phone that was still in my hand.
"Huh? Oh yeah, Jason, that was him."
"Is it him by chance in that drawing?"
"Yeah..."
"You guys look good together...as far as I can tell anyway. Haha."
"Heh, thanks. He's great...sorry, this is a bit odd for me, hah."
"Hey, it's ok. Sorry to catch you off balance like that."
"Nah it's ok...that's by far the least traumatic coming out I've had."
"Haha. Yeah I have a bit of experience with that. One of my best friends back home is gay...he had a complete breakdown when he told me."
"Really?"
"Yeah...I didn't really know how to tell him I already knew...he got a little pissed afterwards when I told him. Hehe."
"HA! Yeah that would be kinda annoying."
"Yup. It's great having gay guy friends though...I never had to guess whether what I was wearing matched or not."
"Hehe, yeah there's that."
"Oh hey I don't wanna keep you if you need to run."
"Oh yeah...I just about forgot."
"Here, gimme your phone a sec." I handed it to him. "Maybe we can go hang out or something. I still need a guide for this place, heh. Here's my number."
"Hah, damn if I knew it was that easy to get a guy's number..."
"Haha. Well if you need to make your boy jealous or something, I'm up for it."
"HA! God that would be funny. You are hot though." I blushed a little as I said that.
"Haha, thanks. Yup, it's fun. Not that I've done it before or anything...haha. Anyway, gimme a call or something. Hopefully you don't mind hanging out with some weird college kid."
"As long as you don't mind hanging out with some underage high school fairy." I was grinning to make sure he knew I was playing around.
We both chuckled a little. "Eh, I'm practically in high school still...I don't wanna grow up just yet."
"Heh, yeah. Oh hey, hold still a second." I took my phone and snapped a quick shot of him...for my phonebook entry...and so I could show Jase later on...hehe. "K, now I'll remember who `Ryan' is...I'm horrible with names, haha."
"Ha, yeah me too. If I don't recognize you immediately on the phone, just say drawing pad. Now I can be like, `hey I know that kid with the big huge sketch book!'"
"Haha, ok. Alright I gotta run, but I'll give you a call definitely k?"
"Sounds good. It was awesome meeting you, Chris."
"You too, Ryan. Alright, I'll talk to you later." I got up to walk out of the yard.
"Yup, later man." Ryan got up and we both walked away. That was definitely a first for me...and a genuinely good experience. Ryan was just a great combination...nice, friendly, cute guy that seemed to share some commonalities with me. Despite only knowing him for about an hour or so, I walked away with a nice feeling of comfort that I rarely had with people. I couldn't stop smiling the whole way home.
"Blind" by Lifehouse "Move Along" by All American Rejects "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane