This is a continuation of Front Row...I know I said it wouldn't be continued but I lied. This started going in my head and wouldn't leave til I wrote it all down.
This, however, is the end. I mean it this time.
Standard disclaimers apply. This is not meant to imply anything about members of the Backstreet Boys.
All my thanks go out to my little family of sorts. Gene.....remember always. Ashley...thanks for being the other half of my brain. Kevin....I am so thankful that I got to know you. You are a sweetheart.
This is from Nick's POV.
Please send any comments to eriker@earthlink.net
Thanks for reading Eriker
******************************************************** If I could right the wrongs that made you cry I make a promise not to say good night `Cause I'm holding on With a love so strong And I can't take a day without you by my side
If I could change If I could change your mind Baby, you could help me wipe these tears from my eyes
Don't stop The sun from shining down on me `Cause I can't face another day without your smile And if you take away the loving arms that surround me Then I might break down and cry just like a child
Front Row 3 by Eriker
2-15-02 (or six months later)
This was supposed to go away. It has been six months since it all exploded and this pain was supposed to go away by now. I have been so good. I said I would let is all go when I wrote him that letter....and I did to a point. I have come to accept a hell of a lot since that happened. I accepted that Kevin will never be mine...at least not of his own free will. I know he got my letter. I saw it in his room a few days later and it was opened. But then again with his amazing powers of denial he probably remembers little of what I said in it. He never responded and I couldn't force the issue then. Maybe he was right. It was a bit to early for me to consider a relationship. I knew I loved him but I was so busy keeping my head above water. I knew I wasn't healthy yet...I knew it. So why did I push it?
I am seriously doing better now. They are lowering the dosages on my meds. I have no illusions about all this and I know I will be on these for the rest of my life but I have learned coping mechanisms for my moods now and sometimes I can do it on my own. I talk to my counselor on occasion but not as much as I used to. Then again it has been almost two years since my hospital stay. My life is back together....we aren't on the road. I can concentrate on this now.
I know Kevin read the letter also because he addressed part of it. Of course not anything to do with love or the connection between us...but he addressed the whole basket case thing. He doesn't think I am hopeless and that isn't why he refused me. He showed me that in a million little ways in the weeks following. It helped me to shut down those feelings for a bit. When I wrote that letter I was drowning. And now...I am floating...I am okay. Kevin isn't. He is drowning now....the BSB are over.
We knew they couldn't last forever and I think we all accept it. Howie is happy leaving to be with his family and I think he wants to get married soon. AJ wants a solo career. He wants to explore places he could never go as part of the BSB. I can see him acting too....that would be fun. Brian.....he wants a family. He wants to settle down and maybe write. I know he wants to get away from me too. Our friendship has become non-existent. It makes me really sad but I can't dwell on it. Part of becoming healthy is that I need to cut out parts of my old life....parts that were dragging me down. Brian was part of that. He never accepted that what happened wasn't all my fault. Hell..I think he wants to blame the band breaking up on my mental problems. Fine...he can if it makes him feel better. Personally, I don't think he ever got over the fans reacting badly to his engagement. He got really bitter after that and shortly thereafter I ended up taking an enforced leave of absence. We were never close again.
And Kevin...after the contract breaking negotiations are over I don't know what he will do. Probably write some and produce...maybe manage someone. He is so wrapped up in the ending of things that he is failing to see the new beginning right around the corner. I think that is my job...to make him see that. He can't throw the `professional boundaries' crap line at me anymore. He has been alone since his engagement ended a few years ago. That whole sham was a mistake anyway. He ended that about six months after it was announced.... He never really loved her anyway. Kristen was a great person. She was sweet as all hell and probably Kevin's best friend but that wasn't enough. The only person I ever saw Kevin really in love with was Adam...and he ended that when the BSB took off. I think it is time for Kevin to be happy.
So how am I going to do this? I need to make Kevin see that I am not going anywhere. I need to make him listen to me. He is the most stubborn of all of us. The only one that even comes close to him is me. I know I can do this if I try. I suppose the best thing is to ambush him. He should be home in an hour. That give me enough time to go to his place and figure out exactly what to say on the way. I need to stay firm and I can't let him go...he is mine and I need to make sure he knows that too.