My alarm screeched the sign of the morning that I thought was never going to come.
I had spent most of the night awake knowing that I was going to walk to school and maybe see him again. The thought filled me with so many ideas of what might happen, but no matter what circles my mind ran in, I always returned to the belief and fear that absolutely nothing was going to happen.
Because really, what had changed for me? I had spent a weekend dancing around and singing with joy, and why? On the Friday before I had given a boy a coat whose response had been not to say a word to me.
And did he even smile? In the long early hours of Monday morning, I started to doubt that he had even looked at me.
As I twisted and sat on the side of my bed, I realised that I had hardly slept a wink. I began to weep softly to myself. Being tired does awful things to people, and in a single night I had reverted back to the tremendous emotional wreck that he had managed to supress, if only for a few days.
I thrust myself back under my bed sheets and wrapped them around me tightly, wishing the world would swallow me up and spit me out a million miles away from my troubles.
I must have drifted off as I woke to my mum's hand on my shoulder.
"Matthew..." she said softly.
"Matthew..." she repeated when I barely responded.
A low grunt was all I could muster.
"Matthew, get up, it's half past eight."
I quickly forgot all the doubts and the fear that had plagued my night. Panic set in as I sat upright in bed. Now I had definitely missed him!
My mum had started for the door to my room.
"Shit..." I said out loud.
"Matthew!" she said sternly.
I looked at her and gritted my teeth hoping to avoid punishment. She titled her head to one side, her disappointed look was all that was needed to make me feel guilty.
I made no attempt to rush. I chomped through a bowl of cereal and got dressed before sauntering my way down the hallway, almost relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotion for another day.
"Will you hurry up..." My mum exclaimed.
I looked back at her with puppy dog eyes and she smiled at me.
"Stop that..." she said "I'm not impressed..." She tried to supress her smile but it beamed brighter and brighter.
I pretended to cry like a puppy, widening my eyes further.
"School... now..." She said, stifling her laugh. She turned away from me. "I'm not looking at you..."
"Bye mum." I said cheekily.
I made my way out on to the street. It was ten to nine and I had never seen the streets so empty in a morning.
I briskly walked down the road and in to the field. The crisp winter air whipped at me as I walked. I dashed in to the woodland.
"Bit late today aren't you?"
I turned sharply as I heard the voice behind me. My bag fell off my shoulder when I saw him stood against a tree.
My jaw dropped open but not a word or sound fell from my lips.
The trees shook in the wind and a tiny beam of sunlight pierced the rustling leaves, lighting him up like the angel he was. He was wearing my coat.
My delight at this turned to confusion as he turned to his left and started to walk off the path and deeper in to the forest. After a few steps he stopped and looked back at me. I couldn't stop staring at him. What was he doing? Where was he going? I knew he had waited for me.
"Come on..." he almost whispered at me, a slight smile growing on his face.
I walked tentatively after him for what seemed like an age. I came to the realisation that I had no idea where we were going or how far the woodland went.
John said nothing more until the sound of a stream came in to sharp focus. As he approached it he stopped, turned and sat on a giant tree that had fallen on its side. It was covered in frost but he looked as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders, a wet backside was nothing that he couldn't handle.
I stopped a few steps back from him and stared, my jaw still waiting to be peeled off the floor. The stream trickled away happily and the leaves rustled in the breeze.
"I don't know what I'm doing." He said quietly in my direction.
I walked anxiously over to where he was sat and took my place a couple of feet away from him.
"YOU don't know what you're doing?" I retorted. "I just followed a stranger in to a dark forest..." I joked, smiling up at him. I shook with nerves,
John looked up at me and smiled as the crippling tension poured downstream.
"A freezing stranger who you gave a coat to..."
I looked at him with an equal measure of pride and discomfort. He looked down at the ragged school bag he had dumped on the floor and sat in a daze.
After the forest around us breathed in and out, he bent down and unfastened the buckles of his bag. Even with the tension threatening to strangle me, I couldn't help but sneak a look to see if he still wore briefs. The outline was still there on his frost bitten cheeks. Blood rushed to my face momentarily but the freezing air soon dealt with that.
As he moved back to his seat I saw that he had something in his hand. It was a small package wrapped in the kind of brown paper that you use to send things through the post. It was decorated with a little string wrapped around the paper.
"Here..." He said as he turned and handed it to me. He didn't look away, instead choosing this moment to look at me, staring deep in to my eyes.
I looked at it and then at him. I was speechless.
"Well?" He said, raising his little eyebrows at me with a cautious smile.
"Well?" I wittily replied.
"The idea with presents is to unwrap them..."
His smile turned to a cute grimace as I failed to respond. I must have looked offended.
I carefully pulled at the sides of the package, trying so hard not to rip it. I would have been happy just to keep the packing alone for what it meant to me.
As the paper fell away I saw a dark grey backing to a picture frame. There were a few chips in the side and the back looked a little worn, but I thought it was beautiful. As I turned it over I gasped.
Lying framed was a hand drawn picture of a boy sat at the base of a tree, arms folded, a tortured look plastered on his face. An imposing Oak tree engulfed the boy and the woodland behind was crippled with the weight that was pressing on his shoulders.
"It's the first time I ever saw you..." He said softly.
My head span and my heart pounded. My eyes welled with tears and the boy who had spent months in my thoughts had drawn me a picture of the moment my life started.
As a single tear fell from my eye to my cheek I looked up at John who had never averted his gaze from my face.
He reached a hand up and wiped it away like we had been in this situation a hundred times before.
He leant over and kissed me straight on the lips. I flinched and moved back sharply. Why did I pull back? Nothing had ever felt so right in my life!
John sat back and looked down at the floor. I was frozen to the spot and watched as he bent down to pick up his bag. He stood up and started to walk back in the direction we came.
"I'm sorry..." he muttered as he passed.
He moved away only a few steps and I felt my breathing quicken, panic was taking its hold and I needed to beat it.
"Stop..." I screamed from the pit of my stomach.
He did.
I jumped to my feet and walked towards him purposefully.
I went and stood just behind him.
He did not turn around.
I put my hand on his shoulder and pulled him towards me, turning him on the spot.
His head dropped as he turned to face me.
I put my hand up to his chin and pulled it upwards. He was trying desperately to hold tears in, his lip quivered softly.
I moved forward and kissed him, holding my lips on his for as long as I could.
After what seemed like a thousand years we both pulled back. Each of us had tears running down our faces but we stared at each other through watery eyes until John started to giggle slightly. I looked at him puzzled at first until his giggle turned to a hearty laugh.
I felt laughter build from deep within me and the pain and uncertainty was replaced by a hysterically glorious light.
He wiped away his tears and I did the same. He moved in and kissed me softly once more.
"Now we're REALLY late." He said through his incredible smile.
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