Gabriel's Journey
Chapter 3
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"We all of us need assistance. Those who sustain others themselves want to be sustained."
-Maurice Hulst, The Way of the Heart
Sunlight streamed in through the open window, illuminating the inside of the apartment. Dust motes swirled and eddied, waltzing through the air in a timeless dance, caught in the spotlight of that ray of bright that illuminated the darkness. Even though the night had been banished, it was still dark enough inside the apartment for the digital read out to be displayed upon the wall. It read 10.02AM. Slowly, the numbers dissolved and reformed into 10.03am.
Maggie didn't have a personality so to speak of. She couldn't think. Not really. She was programmed simply to serve, to use the pattern of voice imput waves and compare that to a series of pattern matching algorithms, which channelled through her CPU, and sent the necessary commands to the other appliances in the apartment. At least, that was how it was supposed to be on a good day.
Maggies's master had long suspected that, in fact, Maggie had a personality that she wasn't telling anybody about. A vindictive, spiteful personality that took glib pleasure in making things go wrong at the most inopportune of moments. At least, that's what Gabriel thought. The truth was that Maggie was just buggy and inferior. A piece of technology superseded by just about every other model on the market. She was old and worn, and like most old things, she didn't always quite understand what was expected of her. Her efficiency changed moment by moment.
Like this moment. The moment, where, as the numbers of the digital readout merged into the lines and loops of 10.03am, a glitch in the primary CPU accidentally misread the algorithm as 10.30am, the time the alarm was set to go off. Trawling through the database, Maggie's subroutine selected the alarm call calculated to best suit for this occasion, deciding with such factors as air pressure, sound density and other improbable data that was meaningless in this equation! The alarm file was entitled 'The end of the earth' And with good reason! It was the sort of alarm you only selected if you had managed to get yourself drunk the night before and needed something to literally kick you out of bed in the morning. Yes, this file was perfect!
The alarm went off!
The point at which Gabriel was aware he was awake was when he heard the voice in his ear screaming
"Evacuate! Evacuate! The aliens are invading earth! Get to the escape shuttles!" In a high pitched nasal voice that was reserved only for those with a heavy cold and the irritatingly smug!
He wanted to scream "Off! Offffff!" at Maggie, in the usual ritual that they had come to share every morning since he could remember but he didn't have the energy. He didn't seem to have the energy to do anything. He was bone shatteringly tired! It felt as if he had been up all night dancing to some high beat, techtronix dance remix, with out stopping all night. The running the Martian zero gravity marathon. Naked!
No, he amended himself. It didn't feel quite like that. He was physically tired for sure, but he felt sapped. Drained almost. It was like every emotion, every feeling, every sensation he had ever had had been carefully and teasingly drawn out of him slowly trough the tiniest of orifices. Prolonged desensitisation. Now he felt achingly numb. Ice cubes in his belly, and an iceberg where his brain should be.
This was not an early morning experience he was used to and he hoped it would pass soon. Extreme apathy was not a sensation Gabriel felt comfortable with. He swiped feebly at the control console by his bed and succeeded at deactivating the alarm and turning on the lights with a single soft 'blat!'
Staggering to the toilet, he relived the almost unbearable pressure on his bladder and crawled back to bed. Pulling up the sheets around him, he curled his legs around the other man, lying naked next to him, intertwining himself with the other and letting the warmth and softness heat him up so that he could perhaps start to feel human again. Feel emotion again. It was a curious sensation and one he could not explain or understand. What had he been drinking? Or doing for that matter. Some sort of drug? Gabriel didn't use drugs, he didn't like the idea of not being in control. So why would he try one now? Somehow, that didn't seem like the right answer.
The other person in the bed moaned slightly, rolled over and draped both arms across Gabriel's chest, the sighed slightly, the breathing becoming heavy and regular again. Good, his partner was asleep. Gabriel didn't want to confide in him at the moment. He didn't want to worry him unduly. These feelings were his own to explore and understand and, although he was sure that he and his partner were close enough to talk to each other about whatever rested heavy on their souls, something's were..
Wait a minute. Partner?
Gabriel didn't have a partner!
So that meant..
Then he remembered. All of it. The experience of the night before. Sobbing like a child in Zak's arms over the injustice o it all. The hate and intolerance of it all. How he had been mistreated, how he had been wronged. So terribly wronged. Crying and sobbing. Keening and retching. Giving and receiving the emotional relief that they had so badly needed. Holding each other in the hope that one may be able to blanket out the hurt and misery that they had both felt by being treated the way they had.
Except.. Except Gabriel hadn't been mistreated or hurt. Or had anything remotely similar done to him at all. His child was a steady, happy and loving one one. His parents were both alive and he talked to them on a regular basis. Both knew about his homosexuality, seemingly before he did and neither had a problem with it. His father had told him that he had guessed when he was about 10 or 11.
So what had happened? What had caused the proverbial banks to burst?
He should have been there to comfort Zak in his need. Not collapse in floods like wet tissue. Some help he had been. Zak might as well have confided in a stuffed animal for all the more good it could have done him.
Gabriel stared at Zak in the bed next to him and felt vaguely uneasy. What had happened last night? Why had he cried all his emotions out of himself. Why did he feel so drained? Why couldn't he have cared less?
Had they made love?
Had they had sex?
Gabriel figured the answer to that one was pretty easy. Probably not. After all, they had both been too drained to do much of anything. Gabriel couldn't really remember much about the more emotional displays last night and didn't really want to dwell on them too much. Releasing all you're raw, pent up feeling in one fell swoop was more embarrassing that he had realised. Besides, there was no physical evidence they had coupled and Gabriel felt fairly confident that they had needed each other as sounding boards for the grief they had both shared.
One had a reason.
One did not.
Gabriel didn't understand it but he felt something uncomfortably profound had happened to him last night. Something monumental. Something he could not put his finger on but which was there non the less. Somehow they had become linked in a way. How and why, Gabriel could not explain, but it was there non the less. Like a silver thread at the back of his mind, curling around his brain and twisting outwards. Surging forwards to merge him inexplicably with another.
As he mused, Zak groaned, rolled over, then sat up and shook his beautiful long chestnut hair out. His green eyes met with Gabriel and locked him in a stare that had meaning and intention laced throughout it. Gabriel stared back for a moment, then shook himself and tried to frame something that would ease the tension in the room.
"Hi" was all he could manage
"Hi"
A long pause
"About last night.." Zak began
Gabriel stopped that train of conversation with a quick dismissive gesture. It occurred to him that it probably looked rude and crass to do so, but he could think of little to say or how to frame what he was feeling at the moment.
"Forget it. Its done with now. In the past."
"I didn't mean to.."
"I said forget it!" snapped Gabriel, a little more harshly than he intended and immediately wished he could have caught the words in mid air and sucked them back into his mouth.
The hurt registering in Zak's face was obvious and Gabriel felt like a rat. He did want to forget what happened. It was too raw and deep for him, a vast dark maw that he could not see into or explore, with no beacon of light to guide him. That was no reason to take it out on Zak though. The poor fellow had been through so much and he needed support and care, not simply to be dismissed like some one-night stand. That jarred gabriel again. No...never that!
Zak climbed out the bed, suddenly somewhat embarrassed at his nakedness, and jigged into his underwear, snapping the waistband around his slender thighs. Gabriel watched him, shivering slightly at the delicious sight. Zak turned to him while pulling on his trousers.
"Thanks for letting me spend the night" I guess I,ll see you around. And, good luck"
Gabriel blinked, then his brain engaged properly for the first time that day and he gawked. That had probably been the longest sentence he had ever heard Zak e say. It had also been totally dismissive. So much or him giving Zak the flick, now he was being given the flick himself. What they had shared had seemed so profound. And Zak was acting as if it didn't happen.
Gabriel tried to quell the anger inside him by telling himself that he had started it by being so unfeeling. He didn't feel comfortable talking about it and that was his burden. His own problem. Yet another, deeper reason existed, private and buried and one that he wouldn't admit to himself till much later. He didn't want to see Zak leave. He wanted him to stay. He wasn't sure why except that he knew Zak made him feel..Alive.
When Zak was around Gabriel felt so much more at peace. He felt needed, that he was able to give of himself so much more. He couldn't explain how he felt, much more that he could try to banish or explain it. He wondered if it was love that he was feeling. It certainly wasn't the intense blast of intense joy that he had been expecting. To be truthful, he never really expected to fall in love in the first place. If love it what you wanted to call it.
Maybe it was lust? Maybe it was nothing more than his hormones clashing violently with the common sense swirling around inside his head. Gabriel was sure that was probably part of it. Zak somehow allway's made his head swim and his knees go bendy. He was the most beautiful man Zak had ever encountered, bar none.
Gabriel rummaged around in his feelings around. It didn't feel like lust was the dominant here. More like a strong instinct for care and protection. To be a good friend. Zak had seemed vulnerable and still seemed so. He was a lost being, searching desperately for someone to find him again, calling out in the night. Was Gabriel that person? He wasn't sure of anything anymore. Damn it all to hell!
By now Zak has succeeded into getting into his pyjamas and was busy wrestling o his pyjama top. Gabriel had to surpress the urge to laugh. It wasn't funny he knew, but it was obvious Zak was going outside dressed as he was and he was sure to get some strange looks. Especially in clothes that had been shredded.
"Your going to look a little odd wandering around town dressed like that don't you think?"
Gabriel crossed his arms, allowing a quirky little smile to play across his lips.
"I,ll call a cab" Came the quiet reply
"Where will you go?"
"I don't know"
"Don't you have anywhere to go at all?"
"No. I told you that last night"
Zak stood by the wall-com and cast his gaze around the room. Where the hell was the VC unit. Gabriel had had it last night. What had he done with it? Zak couldn't remember. He'd have to search for it now, an embarrassing prospect dressed only in his pyjamas. Not that he minded. It was only Gabriel, and somehow, Zak wanted Gabriel to see him.
Gabriel sat on the bed and watched Zak search. He felt mildly remorseful about making Zak shuffle around on his hands and knees when he remembered the unit had skittered under the sofa. At the same time, it gave him the chance he needed to think. There was a choice to make and Gabriel knew it could change everything for him. Everything. He had a spare extendabed and although it would mean less living space, there would be enough room for them both. They could both co-habit.
The question he needed answering was this. Did he really want to live with Zak. A man he had met twice, both being highly volatile experiences emotionally. The first time had been passionate, the second tragic. What would be the third? Rage? Gabriel wasn't so sure he wanted to know.
What sort of impact would Zak living with him have. Would Zak ever be interested? Was he interested in him? He was so difficult to read, as if all his body language and facial expressions were carefully regulated, designed to give nothing away. Had he been so badly treated that he guarded everything like a prized treasure he dared not lose? Would Gabriel end up a wash with this emotional baggage? After all, it was Zak that had come to him!
But only because he had had nowhere else to go, Gabriel chided himself softly. Besides, he admitted to himself, he had started to care deeply for this man. He wasn't sure if it was love yet, but it was something. Something that he couldn't ignore, even though it might help him make his decision easier.
He didn't want to think about what might happen if Zak ended up on the streets, beaten up, or maybe worse. Gabriel couldn't, wouldn't allow that to happen. Yes, there might be some experiences along the way, some nights of sorrow, but compared to last night, they would probably be minor. After all, what could be more intense than last night. Besides, Gabriel was starting to feel his old self again. The affects didn't seem long term, thank goodness. He nodded to himself, smiling in affirmament. That hadn't been so hard after all.
Zak had just punching in the number for a local taxi number when the VC unit was gently removed from his grasp and placed back onto the wall-com. Zak swivelled to see Gabriel standing behind him, his bright blue eyes locking into his own and making his catch his breath. Oh how he loved this man. How, he didn't know, just that he did. The fact that Gabriel didn't feel the same was something that gnawed at him in a horrible, gut clawing way, but Zak was world-wise enough to know that, sometimes that was just the way of things. But now, now...did Zak dare to hope?
"Uhhhhhh...look..." Started Gabriel
Zak blinked, not daring to believe.
"Look, I know you have no where to go and all that. And I...I would hate to see you get hurt and all that."
"You said 'all that' twice"
A long pause.
"Look...ummm...what I guess I,m trying to say is...well...until you find a place of your own you'r...ahhhh...you'r quite welcome to stay as long as you need."
An even longer pause. Zak started at him with wide eyes. Had he heard right?
"Uhhhhh,only if you want to of course. I mean..if not...uhh..well...I know a cheap Taxi firm..."
The rest of the was lost as Gabriel crashed to the floor, overbalanced by the powerful bear-hug Zak had inflicted on him.
"I guess that's a yes then" laughed Gabriel
"Thank you" whispered a soft voice in his ear.
--------2 weeks later-------------------
As soon as the door closed, Gabriel leapt from his bed, fully clothed. What the hell was going on? Well, this time Gabriel intended fully to find out the full story, whatever it took.
They had been living together for two weeks now and Gabriel was as happy as he could remember. There was a close bond between them, something that could not be explained, or quantified yet both knew it existed. It was a bond of friendship, at least Gabriel saw it that was. Zak saw something different, but Gabriel was not to know that. In two weeks Gabriel had discovered something new about Zak every day.
He didn't open up much and, apart from that first night, kept his feelings closely to him. But he had a wicked sense of humour, a sharp mind and could argue a point for hours if he felt that he was right. Some of their argument had even reached shouting point, raging long into the night and prompting comment form the neighbours next door. None were ever malicious though and they were always good friends again after the argument was over.
Zak was clean and Gabriel always came home to find the apartment tidy and something cooked. He had tried to get Zak to stop at first saying that he was used to tidying up and cooking for himself but Zak did it anyway. Gabriel had given up trying to dissuade him after day three.
At the end of the first week, Zak had handed Gabriel a 100 cred sliver and asked him if that was enough for 2 weeks rent. Gabriel had been surprised and proud also. He hadn't expected Zak to actually have any money. Not that he knew why, it figured that Zak must have a job. He had tried to refuse it but, in a strange turn of character, Zak had insisted, saying that it was something he simply had to do. Gabriel had tried to argue but in the end it was futile. He had accepted the money and had had used it to hire a Voxcomp engineer to iron out the bugs in Maggie. He figured it would be best for both of them. He also had the engineer authorise voice access codes for Zak so he could enter the apartment without at Datacard.
On reflection now, he though, perhaps that had been a mistake. The situation he found himself in was a difficult one. Usually Gabriel was a light sleeper, but over the last week his cycles had become much heavier and he was usually asleep as his head hit the pillow. He was bone shatteringly tired and having Zak tidy and cook was heaven sent.
Work had been rough. He had been calibrating new software nodules for all the data relays in the HRM Processors. Boring work, especially proof reading code for bugs. It hadn't let him with a lot of energy. He had sleep like a baby. After his days off, (which he had spent sky-hopping with Zak) he felt much better, and that was when he became aware Zak was leaving the apartment late at night.
At first Gabriel wasn't bothered. Zak was a grown man and could leave the apartment whenever he liked. He was probably buying provisions or something at one of the 26 hour (mars time) stores. Zak could be a little odd like sometimes, although Gabriel found it highly endearing ad really rather sweet.
(Uggh!, How he hatred that word. Much as he disliked it though, you couldn't help apply it to Zak sometimes.)
By the time it had happened 4 times in a row, Gabriel was positive they didn't need groceries and that Zak was in to something deep! What he wasn't sure of yet but 100 creds was a large sum of money, something you didn't get simply get from Federal benefit. Gabriel's mind whirled with dangerous thoughts. Drugs? Guns? Bribes? Corruption? Gabriel pushed the thoughts from his mind and chastised himself. He hadn't even figured what was going on yet and already he was judging him! Foolish and rash.
He needed evidence. And besides, if Zak was in some sort of trouble, he wanted to help. He 'd helped him befor and they had grown so close. Zak felt like a part of his life now. They were friends. More than friends. They were...were..what? Lovers? That didn't seem right. They hadn't had any sort of sexual contact at all, and didn't even sleep in the same bed. It didn't seem right to make a move and Zak didn't seem to want to make one either. No sense in ruining that friendship they had built, it was something special and Gabriel hated the tough of cheapening it with something as casual as 'just' sex. Even though this guy was achingly beautiful.
Yet, he had seen beyond that. Beyond to the wonderful, vulnerable, funny, smart, interesting person beneath. The one that Gabriel wanted to help now, the one that he didn't want to leave. The one he wanted to stay. Was this love, Gabriel wasn't sure anymore. He wasn't sure what his feeling were trying to tell him. In any case, Zak didn't seem so interested and Gabriel, afraid of the repercussions of trying to get Zak (or himself) to open up, decided that maybe this state was definitely for the best.
Trailing Zak was more difficult than he had expected. He as lithe and quick, scurrying like a worried terrier, through the mile-scrapers and Ariel walkways of New Seattle with astonishing speed. The sky was mauve purple as the sun set, and red dust scurried along the walk-ways like thousands of tiny insects migrating in the breeze. A beautiful night but Gabriel didn't notice.
At one point Zak caught a TransTube to the other side of town and Gabriel had had to leap onto another carriage as it pulled away. He slammed his Credcard into the slot so that his fare could b deducted, then moved down the TransTube till he spotted Zak, sitting rigid and quiet. Gabriel hid in a toilet cubicle until Zak left the Tube, then began to trail him again.
Zak meandered through the winding Ariel walkways, then took a turbo lift to ground level. Gabriel grimaced. The below of New Seattle was a treacherous place, full of Rapz freaks, muggers and more seedy, vicious gangs than a Friday night episode of "NSPD, Policing the Below" Why would Zak even want to go down?
What ever it was, it must be something important. Something worthwhile. People rarely went below unless they had business there, and in below that meant illegal business. Gabriel tried to quell the growing feeling of dread that was forming like a sharp stone in his belly. He failed.
The turbolift smelled of Urine and alcohol in such a strong way that it made him gag. The Fluro-lamp flickered weakly, bathing the compartment in a strange lurid glow and causing Gabriel's eyes to water. He checked his wrist Crono. 1.32 am. He swallowed the lump of fear that was trying to forcefully expell itself form the front of his throat. The lift shuddered to a halt and the doors opened. Gabriel stepped out into hell itself.
It was the darkest, smelliest most miserable haven Gabriel had ever been in. Cramped, narrow streets washed with seas of litter and refuse. The smell was indescribable. Everywhere faces leered at him. The homeless. The degenerates. Those ho had no place to go and came here to the last refuge to seek some solace. To live out the last of their lives hoping to retain some small shred of dignity.
Street lamps flickered or were dark all together.
"Somebody forgot a cred for the meter" though Gabriel sardonically.
He picked up a metal bar, part of the lift housing that had been ripped form its stansion and hefted it. His hand came away from the metal sticky. He examined it in the light form the turbo-lift. One end of the bar was covered in a dark red substance, quickly drying and turning gummy as he watched.
Gabriel's stomach turned. He wiped his hand on his trousers, leaving a large smear mark and gripped the other end of the bar. He hated violence and was no fighter. If he were to be attacked, he would probably lose. Another statistic. He pushed the thought from his mind and looked around.
Many streets, dark and winding criss- crossed his current location. He examined them all. Most continued into darkness, but one of the wider ones seemed longer than the others. He could see lights at the other end and hear music. That must lead to the centre of 'town' Gabriel had heard about the so called 'fun-fairs' of below. You could buy anything that you wanted. Anything. Weapons, drugs and, of course, the more fleshly pleasures.
He stared down into the centre of town and pondered if he dared go that way. He almost turned back. Then thoughts of Zak hardened his resolve! He set off bravely towards the lurid neon glow.
About half way down the street he saw him. Zak was walking casually down the street as if he owned the place. In fact, some people on the street even called out my name. And he waved to them. Gabriel's stomach lurched. Had he been right all along? Did Zak have some nefarious business down here. If so they could both be in a lot of trouble.
He reached the end of the street with little trouble, apart form a few stares and one or two lewd comments. Immediately the wall of bodies hit him, and that was when he realised he had lost sight of Zak. Oh My God! What had happened? How had he managed to lose him? He struggled on through the throng of people, oblivious to the strange stares that him and his bold stained pipe were attracting. Through the smell and the bright neon buildings, most proclaiming vividly what they sold. Brothels were a plenty here, and judging by the complex and graphic moving holo-images projected in the air outside them, any taste could be suited for.
Gabriel stood in a square, surrounded on all sides by lean to buildings, put me up plastecrete huts and mountains of neon and called Zak's name. Over and over. It began to rain, the droplets stinging his eyes as he searched desperately through the crowd, looking for him. Strange looks and world weary faces stared back at him, veiled in lank unwashed hair. Gabriel shouted until he was horse. It was no use. He had failed. He had lost him.
Zak was gone.