This is a true story about the age of confusion. I will not disclose that age because I don't know if it would be legal. Anyone that has gone through that age of confusion knows what age it is.
I will begin my story with my "first love" as it has turned out to be a very short disappointing one.
One boring night I decided to check out a chat room, a gay chat room. I knew I liked boys because I was always checking them out. The only time I ever checked out girls was when I was with other boys and it was the macho straight thing to do. I pretended to be really turned on by checking them out, when inside I felt disgusted. Anyway, I knew I wanted to find someone that thought like I did, thus the gay chat room. I had been viewing some web cams watching older guys get their rocks off and getting hard in the process. I saw a guy come on in the chat room asking if any young boys wanted to chat with another young boy. I thought it was a trick to contact young boys, but I responded any way. Being my first time in a chat room, I didn't know what to say, so just said hi and I would like to talk. We exchanged stats as that seem to be the way things were done in these rooms. After chatting for a while, he ask if I would like a show. I ask him what he meant. He said we could cam to cam, I told him I didn't have a cam. Then he ask if I had a picture of myself and to send it to him. He explained how to send the picture, I sent it. He then ask if I had any nude pictures, I said no, why did he want a nude picture of me. He said he would give me a show on cam if I sent him a nude picture. I told him I would try to get one the next day for him and could I see him on cam. He told me his name was Roger and invited me to view his cam. He didn't show his face but I could tell from his body he was young. I sent him the picture he wanted the next day and for about a week every night he would let me watch him jack off as I did the same.
One night as we were chatting, he ask me if I wanted to see another guy giving a show, I said sure. This other guy invited me to view his web cam and I accepted. We chatted for a little while, he told me his name was Josh and I told him my name. His cam only showed from his neck down, he had clothes on.
Roger had sent him my nude picture, so he was willing to give me a show. As he undressed I got the strangest feeling inside that I had never had before and I was instantly hard. As he jacked off on cam I jacked off, cumming the biggest load I ever remember. We exchanged email addresses and said bye to each other. For some reason I couldn't get him out of my mind and I could never catch him on line.
For some reason Roger and Josh didn't like each other and I guess that was why I couldn't catch him on line when I was chatting to Roger. A week wend by, I was desperate to find out what happen to Josh. I had his email address so I thought I will send him an email. It was short I wrote, "Hey, what happen to you? I haven't seen you on line". The next day I got a reply, for some reason my heart jumped into my throat and I replied right away. He replied, saying he was on MSN now and not Yahoo was the reason I hadn't been able to catch him. I downloaded MSN Messenger and we started chatting and it lasted into the night, the longest I had ever stayed on line with one person.
After a few days, I ask if he would give me a show again, he agreed. Again he never showed his face but as he undressed on cam, my heart was beating so fast and I was so hard I thought I was going to pass out. Of course I didn't tell him this, he would think I was crazy.
We continued to chat every night for a while, then one night he told me he had a guy interested in meeting up with him. For some reason this upset me and I tried to find out who was interested in meeting him. He told me about him and that he wanted to see a picture of me. I told Josh it was up to him if he wanted to share my picture with him. The guy liked my picture and invited me to view his web cam, which I accepted. I was surprised to see a guy in his mid twenties and still in college. I didn't like this guy, I felt he was trying to take advantage of Josh. Especially after Josh told me that he was his boy friend. The guy offered to give me a show if I would send him nude pictures of myself. I then knew he was only interested in Josh for boy sex.
I was hurt, but didn't want to let Josh know how I felt. I told him I had got me a boy friend to see how he would react. I made up some stories to tell him about all the sex my new boy friend and I were having. Josh the seem to be come more interested in me and that made me really happy. He told me he didn't really like the college guy that they just had cam to cam sex a couple of times and talked on the phone a few times. A few days went by and I told Josh I had dropped my boy friend, he asked why. I told him I loved someone else and didn't want to lead the boy on. After chatting for awhile, Josh ask who I was in love with. I told him it was him. He said,"you can't love me nobody can love me". I said," what in the hell do you mean, I fell in love with you the first time I saw you". Josh went on to tell me all the reasons why he thought nobody would ever love him. I knew he had never show his face in any of pictures or videos he had sent me, but just thought he didn't want someone to recognize him.
Then he told me the reasons he thought no one could ever love him. He told me he was ugly, his dick was too short, he was too hairy, he was sick a lot and he had a very negative attitude. I told him I didn't believe him, to me he was one awesome dude. I ask him why he thought he was ugly, to send me a picture of his face and let me judge for myself. After begging him he finally sent me a picture of his face. He pointed out the blemishes on his face that made him so ugly. I told him those will pass with age, that I see a very unhappy boy that I have fell in love with.
I tried over and over to get him to send me a picture of him smiling. Finally he sent one with a half ass smile and I told him that what it was.
One night as we were chatting, he was having a panic attack or something and was talking about committing suicide. I freaked out and tried desperately to find some one for him to talk to on line. Finally he calmed down and promised me he wouldn't do any thing stupid. He asked if he could call me and talk, I said sure that would make me very happy. I asked why he felt like this. He said he is so confused, he don't know if he likes girls or boys or both. He had to keep all this a secret as did I and we worked out a time for him to call.
I should point out here that Josh has a schedule that I know of no other teen let alone an adult could keep. His ambition is to be a doctor. He carries a full load at school. Volunteers at a nursing home. Works a part time job. Attends conferences and seminars at other schools. On the student council. Teaches pre school kids class at church. Attends church every Sunday. I know of no one that has a schedule like that.
The only time he could call without anyone knowing was when he volunteered at the nursing home. He called and when I said hello, he didn't say a word. I said hello again and he said hello, that was the first time we had heard each others voice. He still didn't say anything, I asked him what was wrong, after a little more silence, he said my voice surprised him as it didn't sound like he thought it would. This didn't surprise me because he didn't sound like I thought he would, but didn't tell him because I thought he was depressed enough.
This is when Gramps entered into the picture, so to speak. I have a good relationship with my Gramps and had always asked for his advice and knew I could confide in him. Although I had never told Gramps I liked boys, I felt he always knew, and didn't make an issue of it. I told Gramps about meeting Josh on line and the problems he was having. I told him I was scared he might try to hurt himself and if he could help me help him in some way. Gramps told me the best thing is to be hi friend and be there when he needs someone to talk to. He said he would send him an email if I thought it would help any, I said it might.
Josh and I continued to chat on line every night and talk on the phone late at night after hi parents went to bed. The more we talked, the more I fell in love with him and I couldn't get through the day without talking to him because my heart ached so bad.
I knew Josh could never love me like I loved him and told him that over and over. I would email him poems three or four times a day trying to express how I felt about him. He continued to insist no one could love some one as ugly as him. This would up set me and I tried over and over to convince him he was not ugly and to put a smile on his face. He had never and would not say "I love You" as I did when we talked or say bye on the phone.
Then one night after three hours on the phone, we were saying bye and he said "I love you". I almost had a heart attack, I asked him if he meant it, he said he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. I had never felt so happy in my short life, could someone really love me.
We emailed each other while in school and called each other on cell phones at school during lunch, after school, even when on the bus and late at night we would have phone sex which was awesome since we could not be together. We were twenty five hundred miles apart. This went on for about two months, then I noticed his responses as we chatted were getting slower and I got this feeling in my gut something was not right. I ask if he was chatting with others at the same time, he said he was. Then I figured I was losing him. A few days later as I talked to him on the phone at school he told me he had something to tell me but would send me an email to tell me. In my gut I knew what he was hinting about. That night he had promised to have phone sex with me, but when we got on the phone he said he had to download some music and he would call me back in a few minutes. When he called back he said he was too tired to have phone sex. I asked him if he had got off earlier, he said he had after we hung up the first time. I was really upset and he sensed this and said he was sorry. (he had been saying he was sorry a lot lately) We said our good byes and to call him the next day at school, I did, he still wouldn't tell me what he wanted to tell me. He said he would tell me on our late night phone call. That day will be in my memory for a long time, Friday November 11, 2005 Veterans' Day. Our late night phone call, after waiting all day worried about what he wanted to tell me, I ask him what it was. He said he would tell me later, I knew he didn't want to tell me so I thought I would fish around and get it out of him. I asked him about school and what happen in school. He told me about two girls that were hot for him and had exchanged phone numbers with one of them. Now I knew what he wanted to tell me. Finally I ask him if that was what he wanted to tell me, he said that's part of it. By this time I was crying, he said he didn't want to tell me the rest because he didn't want to hurt me. I told him to tell me it couldn't hurt any more than it already does. Then he told me he didn't want to be boy friends anymore, he wanted us to be friends. I tried to explain to him his happiness meant more to me than my happiness, but he didn't believe me as usual. I couldn't stop crying and he got worried I would do something stupid to myself. I assured him I would not do something stupid.
Josh knew of my closeness to Gramps and suggested I confide in him. I was so depressed and devastated I had to do something to get my crying stopped. That's when I went to Gramps.
Josh, I can't get over how AWESOME you are. Once again you showed me how smart you are. You told me to talk to Gramps about you and me. I was scared to say anything to him, let alone give him details. I told him how devastated I was when you told me you were not in love with me, he grabbed me and hugged me so tight then told me of his first love. I couldn't believe it, it was so much like our short relationship although his lasted for two years. I will try to tell you what he told me from what I can remember, I was so shocked it is hard to recall everything he said.
He recalled his first sex experience at the age of five, it was with his sisters, he said they seem to enjoy it but it did nothing for him. He assumed he was too young to feel any thing.
He didn't remember much after that, although he done the usual playing with himself, until the age of ten. He was a farm boy, never had any friends except at school. His class consisted of eight girls and seven boys to give you an idea of the size of the school. At ten, it was before modern machinery such as the combine. When crops were harvested back then all the farmers pitched in to help each other out and usually brought their sons with them to carry water to the working men in the fields. It was thrashing day, that was a big machine that separated the wheat from the straw. The machine blew the straw in big stacks called straw stacks. It was on this straw stack that he recalled his first sex experience with a boy. They were the same age and compared their dicks, then played with each other. He said that was the best feeling he had ever had up to that point.
He had experiences with other boys and knew he liked boys better than girls. This was in the early fifties before "gay" referred to homosexuals, they were called "queer" then and you dam sure didn't want anyone to know you liked boys. He had never thought about love let alone know what it meant.
But at the age of sixteen he became best friends with a boy of fifteen. (sound familiar) He said they became inseparably, done and went every where together. They had their nick names in bold black letters on the sun visors in his car. The boy lived with his father as his mother had died when he was a baby. His dad was glad that he had a good friend like Gramps and was not surprised when Gramps started spending nights with him. He didn't remember how it started, but they played with each other and that led to hugging, kissing and making love to each other. When he described the boy to me I though of you always saying you are short which brought more tears to my eyes, you were in my mind and tears in my eyes as he recalled his first love. He said the boy even though he was fifteen didn't have a hair on his body except for his head. The boy thought he was ugly, too small (he had four inches, marble size balls and no pubic hair). Gramps told me these details when I told him how you felt about yourself and couldn't understand why anyone could love you. Gramps said he knew he was having feelings he had never had before but still didn't realize it was love cause boys don't love boys, that's queer.
Gramps was having problems with his parents because he was gone so much and neglecting his chores and work at home. He said they had an argument one day and he left, moved in with the boy. He couldn't remember the story he told the boy's dad, but it must have been believable because he didn't object to his moving in.
For the next year and half they were together all the time except at school because they went to different schools. As soon as they got out of school every day they went to his room and made love and only left the room to eat and go to school as they didn't want to be seen together out in public.
Soon the boy's brother's wife (she was a bitch, he said) started calling them queers. This really upset the both of them, so they started going out in public more and just acting like friends. But in his room at night made love all night long.
When the boy turned sixteen, he began growing, he had some pubic hair, his dick was five and half inches, he was getting taller, and a few hairs under his arms. Gramps by this time was so in love with him, he thought he would die if any thing came between them. The boy became confused about his feelings, he loved Gramps but he wanted to date girls so people wouldn't think he was queer. (sound familiar)
Gramps could not bring himself to date girls because he was so in love with this boy. So he told the boy to go ahead and date girls if that would make him happy. The boy started dating and Gramps became really jealous. He followed the boy on his dates and when they parked he would sneak up on their car to watch and listen. (the boy had his own car by this time)
Gramps could see the end of his love for the boy coming to an end. One night as he was following the boy and his date, he thought he was having a nervous breakdown. He started shaking all over and couldn't stop. He chased the boy down forced him off the road, talked him into getting into his car. Gramps said he must have been out of his mind, he took the boy and headed for Kansas where an aunt lived.
The boy's dad and brother came to Kansas and took him back home, leaving Gramps to drive home alone. He said he cried all the way home because he knew the relationship was over.
A while later Gramps was depressed and lonely, confronted the boy on the way home from school. Gramps talked him into having a final sex with him, the boy feeling really sorry for Gramps agreed and they had their final sex. By this time Gramps was eighteen and had graduated, the boy was seventeen and a senior. The boy was now going steady with a girl.
Gramps being distraught, joined the service.
There is a lot more to the story, but I don't want to bore you, If you would like to hear more, just ask and I will tell you his story. We talked for hours, me crying because his first love was so much like mine. The boy is still in Gramp's heart after all these years but they very seldom see each other and only speak when they do.
That happened over fifty years ago and he told me of many relationships he has had since then, but his first love was the strongest and a memory he will never forget as long as he lives.
It was so hard for me to believe that my life was on the same path as his.
I will love you forever, even though we haven't experienced sex, I had the dream that we would.
You are so much like Gramp's first love, even though our time was a lot shorter, I am sure the outcome will probably be the same.
ilufe (I love you for ever)