Sunday Josh called me this evening, I was so happy I could hardly talk to him. I had been trying to call him and didn't get an answer. Needless to say I was worried something had happen to him. My mind imagined his parents had taken his phone since they had grounded him from the Internet the day before. I was so afraid he had hurt himself. When he gets depressed he takes a knife and cuts himself. He says that helps him handle his distress about his life. Now you know why I was so happy when he called.
He told me he was having a really bad day that had started in church this morning. He said they kept asking him questions about his salvation over and over. He told me on top of that he was really having a hard time dealing with breaking off as my boy friend Friday night. I told him he now has an idea what I am going through. The difference is I do a lot of crying and he tries to punish himself by doing something to physically hurl himself, like cutting his body with a knife.
Anyone that has gone through this age of confusion can relate to hypocrites shooting questions at you as thought you are going to hell. Josh said he was so upset he just wanted to go home to get his knife. Thank God, when he got out of church he went to do his volunteer work at the nursing home. He had promised me last night when we talked he would call me from the nursing home because he knows I am in love with him and am so worried he will hurt himself. He had not been able to call me as promised because he forgot his cell phone. He couldn't get on the Internet with me because it was down at the nursing home. I had him promise to get on the Internet when he got home if his parents permitted, so we could chat. I got a promise from him that if he couldn't get on the net to call after his parents went to bed. We usually talk two to three hours. As I write this I am waiting to see if he can get on the net.
Josh was able to get on the Internet tonight, being the awesome boy he is, he made me really happy again. He ask me if he could be my boy friend again because he was feeling more depressed than he ever had in his life. He told me he was stupid for "throwing me away", because he realized he must be in love with me. He said he couldn't sleep, couldn't get me off his mind and walked around in a daze. I told him, "now you know what I have been going through".
I tried to explain to him that I had never left, I loved him, would always be there for him no matter what he thought he had to do. He was in my heart to stay forever.
We chatted on line for an hour or so, then he said he would make our nightly late night phone call. I have heard of pity sex, but not sure what it meant. I think I experienced it with that phone call. We have never been together for sex because we are so far apart. The phone sex was so intense and satisfying after the short breakup, it was almost like being in each others arms. I slept like a baby for the first time in three nights.
Josh asked me tonight, "what is the age of confusion?". I tried to explain to him, generally it is the teen years where so many changes are taking place in a short period of time. Josh, I think you will understand if you step back and look at our confused lives. Most people are able to sort things out and move on, but a lot of people are confused all of their life, some commit suicide, some end up in therapy. Then Josh ask me a question I knew was coming, " Is it OK with you if I date girls?" After a pause, he asked "Is it OK if I kiss them?'. I thought to myself, "what the fuck am I going to say?". Where did I hear that question before, oh my god, that is exactly what was ask of Gramps by his lover. (Back then you didn't refer to someone as a boyfriend) I love this boy more than my own life and would never ever interfere in his pursuit of happiness. I decided to let my mind over rule my heart. I told him my love for him was never ending no matter what happened. It was OK with me for him to date girls, you need to explore all aspects of life to find your happiness. But the main thing to remember if you don't follow your heart, it will be an unhappy life. I will ask Gramps what I should have said or if I said the right thing.
By hearing Gramps story, I have to wonder how our lives will proceed from here.
Now I can go on with Gramps story with hope that my first love turns out better than his. Since my grammar is not very good, Josh has agreed to edit the chapters for me. You have to know him to see why I love him so much. I hope my personal thoughts won't upset him, I thought about cutting them out, pasting them in after he edits for me. I guess I will leave them in and hope he don't let it influence him.
Gramps 02
Gramps joined the service at eighteen in 1955 to escape the pain and agony in his heart. He was put on a plane for the first time in his life, although he was in awe at his first plane ride, he knew his life would never be the same again.
The plane had a layover in New Orleans for a few hours. Gramps had never seen anything to compare with what he saw. It was Mardigras week, if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes he would never have believed such things went on.
He arrived at boot camp, not caring what was in store for him. Nothing could be as bad as the pain and agony he was going through.
Gramps recalled being in line for all the shots they give you in both arms at the same time. He said guys were passing out all around him, he didn't care if he dropped dead, he just kept on moving stepping over the passed out guys.
Being a farm boy and having to work hard all his young life, this was like a vacation to him.
There was a lot of verbal abuse (that's putting it mildly) from the instructors, I think they thought they were god. In fact some of them made the comment to that fact.
There were 42 guys on his floor in the barracks. Liking boys he had to be real careful no one saw or even thought he was checking out all the hot boys. His bunk buddy (Joe) had the top bunk, Gramps really liked him and to this day still remembers his name and where he was from.
Joe had a smooth hairless body except for pubes. He said now as he looks back, he must have been reminded of his first love, their bodies were so much alike. Although he saw Joe naked every day while in boot camp, he never got to see his dick hard.
Gramps would go to the latrine (restroom) after everyone was asleep except for the barracks guard. The stalls had no doors, so he would sit on the stool and jack off as he pretended to wipe his ass. That way the cum was quickly disposed of when the toilet flushed. He fantasied about his bunk buddy all through boot camp almost every night when he wasn't too tired.
After the first four weeks Gramps said they got a four hour pass to go into town. Most of the guys went looking for girls. Gramps and his bunk buddy just went to get some good food and take in a movie. He could never figure out if his bunk buddy liked boys or girls, to Gramps he showed no interest in either. Gramps did find out though that he was only seventeen and figured his parents must have signed for him to get in the service. Joe didn't want any one to know, so Gramps kept his secret.
Gramps told me the service is a lot different now than it was then. A "queer" as homosexuals were called then, if suspected or caught of same sex acts were put in the brig with all other criminals until dishonorably discharged. You can imagine what happened in the brig when it was known a "queer" was in with them.
Gramps said he never got homesick until the last couple weeks of boot camp. He got to remembering his first love and wondered if he would be able to talk to him when he went home on leave.
He said those last two weeks after lights out instead of going to jack off, he spent most nights crying and feeling unloved and depressed. He would never see his bunk buddy again, but he never forgot him. Gramps tends to love anyone he likes and I find myself doing that at my young age. I ask him if that was a good or bad way to be. He said he didn't know, but couldn't change. He said it causes a lot of crying and you tend to get depressed easy.
Finally boot camp was over, he had the choice of train or plane to go home on leave. Being a country boy and never been on a plane except to fly to boot camp, he chose the train.
Gramps told me it took the train three days to get home. He was lonely and depressed. He stood in the little passage way between train cars looking out the open top part of the door. He said his belt buckle rubbed the top of the bottom door as the train bounced along. He didn't notice until he got home, his belt buckle had all the finish scratched off, he had to get a new one before going back to duty. He kept the buckle for years to remind him of that long and lonely trip.
Gramps got home and was disappointed that his first love ignored him and didn't want to see him. After being gone for four months, things change. Friends you had before you left are either gone or now have other friends and it was hard to find any thing in common with them any more. He had a two week leave and after the first week he was ready to go back to duty. He said it was more depressing at home and he just wanted to get away again.
Gramp's first duty assignment was in Denver and again he found himself on a long train trip.
Gramps was assigned to military police, he showed me his pictures in uniform, and I have to say he really looked hot. I had never thought of Gramps being a hot boy, he has always been Gramps to me and easy to confide in.
Gramps told me he was picked for the honor guard for President Eisenhower's trip to Denver. The President was coming for the opening ceremonies of the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. He was disappointed when the president had a heart attack and wasn't able to make the trip.
Gramps told me when you like boys, life can be very lonely. You know being in the service, you can end up in the brig very quickly if you are even suspected of being "queer".
Gramps spent many cold nights guarding airplanes against who knows what. The wind coming off the Rockies at night is very cold and chills you to the bone.
One night during inspection before guard duty, the new squad commander (a by the book type) noticed Gramp's injured hand. He relieved Gramps of duty and sent him to the base hospital. In the hospital while the doctors were trying to decide what to do with him, that can take forever in the service, he spent many lonely nights just laying in bed, tears in his eyes listening to the whine of the air conditioners, wondering what in hell could happen to him next.
Finally the doctors decided to transfer Gramps to a base hospital in Texas. After more days of delays, he was put on a medic vac plane with other patients and flown to Texas. The flight was really rough, the pilot told the attendants to keep us strapped on the gurneys we had to lay on. The pilot said the turbulence are always bad this time of year. Gramps said that sure as hell didn't ease his mind until the plane was on the ground again.
If anyone is interested the next chapter in Gramps life will be in Texas. It was his first experience to the real world.