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He was my best friend chapter7: I think I love you
" ok Johnny, what exactly are we talking about?" Josh asked Johnny irritably.
We left the pizza place and drove back to my house. I was sitting on my bed, between Josh's legs and Johnny was sitting at my desk. We would've went to Josh's house but my parents wanted me to stay home for once. That and they wanted to keep an eye on Johnny.
" dude, be serious." Johnny replied , equally annoyed.
I really did not want to have this discussion, but Johnny insisted. He always wants to talk things out, which isn't bad. But some things are better left alone. Me and Josh did okay today. He didn't flirt back with the hostess bitch, but he did get jealous because of the waiter. But this is just the first day. It isn't supposed to be perfect. Today was a complete turn around from the past. If it were a few months ago, Josh would have been off with the hostess as soon as we sat down...but he still would have been mad at the waiter. Damn... I guess he hasn't changed completely but we can work on that. Together.
" Johnny," I sighed. " I appreciate what your doing but today isn't going to happen again."
" mark." he said sternly. " how do you know that? What if your golden boys looses his temper again, and I'm not there?"
" WHAT!!?" Josh exclaimed. " I said I was sorry! If he accepts my apology that's all that matters!" I guess he hasn't changed all that much. His temper is still bad, still jealous, and defensive as hell. Oh well, just more I have to work on.
" stop yelling! My parents are down stairs."
" whatever! I'll be back." he's acting like a brat again, so fucking annoying. One thing that I HATE about him is: he's an only child, so he's use to everything going his way and getting EVERYTHING that he wants.
" where are you going?" I asked, annoyance clearly shown in my voice.
" to talk to your mom." since josh's parents were usually never home josh was over here a lot. So in my mothers eyes he is basically a second son and as well as perfect. he is also the reason why my parents don't like Johnny very much.
" about what?" I turned a little to see his face.
" stuff." he replied.
" why cant you talk to us about stuff? You don't have to bring my parents into this."
" who said I was going to even tell your parents about this?" he snapped. I could hear Johnny sigh .
" what the hell else are you going to talk to them about..."
" stop! Do you see why we need to talk now?" Johnny asked. And indeed his point was clear. But what couple doesn't argue.
" no I don't! I see why me and mark need to talk. But I don't see how this is any of your fucking business." this time I sighed. Johnny was right. Josh's temper is pretty bad.
" I think he's right." I said.
"so you agree with HIM." josh asked incredulously.
" no." I sighed. " did you see how easily we got into that `fight'? how easily you loose your temper." I was hoping to see a look of realization but no. he is Josh. And josh is NEVER wrong.
" that wasn't a fight." he snapped.
" but what happened earlier was." he spat.
" whatever, seeing as in you see two see it as a problem then maybe I should just go." he tried to get up but I was still sitting, so unless I moved he wasn 't going anywhere.
" josh please." I whined.
" NO! what for? I don't want to sit here and listen to you two bitching." Josh growled in frustration.
"bitching? We aren't, and Johnny is trying to help our relationship-"
" oh really! Or maybe he's trying to help YOUR relationship." josh said accusingly.
"Josh what are you saying?" I asked in disbelief. I knew what he was saying. But I cant believe he would say that.
" dude I'm trying to help you, me and mark are just friends and you damn well know it!" my parents should be up here any second now.
" calm down! My parents are right down stairs!"
" you`re right, I think I'll go say hi."
" no!" I leaned my back with all my weight, so he couldn't get up. If he could be childish than so can I.
" Mark, get up." I know if he could've made me get up if he wanted to.
"why?" I asked grabbing his hands.
" I already told you." he chuckled.
"what are you going to talk about?" I asked.
"STUFF!" he hugged me in a bear hug...
" why can't you tell me." I laughed and I heard Johnny groan but I didn't pay him any attention. I like they way our fights turn into childish tickling games.
"why cant you stop being so nosy?"
" mark let him go. I need to talk to you anyway." that got Josh's attention.
" what if I don't want to leave?" Josh replied.
" then don't and you can listen to us talk." said Johnny.
" fine. I'll be back." he kissed me on the cheek before leaving.
" Johnny, I wanted him to stay." I said when Josh left.
" if he did we wouldn't have time to talk about this..." I guess it's time. Time for me and Johnny to bring are feelings to the front. All those times I came running to him crying about what Josh did, or what josh said, or didn't say. Johnny would always be there. Even when he would warn me over and over again, and I still didn't listen. He didn't turn his back on me, nor take advantage of me. Sometimes I wanted him to. I wanted him to just kiss me. But it was always me trying to get Josh back. I know he still isn't completely okay with me being friends with Johnny because of what happened that long, long time ago. And Johnny knew I knew. So when I came to him crying, he would do no more than just hold me and tell me I would be okay.
But I changed things last time. I was flirting with him and he flirted back. When I left Josh's house earlier I was so mad. I wanted to get Josh back and I guess I tricked myself into thinking I could get over Josh by doing...something with Johnny. And I did try but he said,
` don't, I know what your doing. When me and you finally get together it wont be like this. I wont be your rebound...'
When we finally get together? What and when is finally? He had his chance but he said no. but would it have been more than sex? Does Johnny love me like I love Josh?...do I love Johnny?
" I'm sorry Johnny. I'm sorry about today and all the other times I did that to you..."
" don't worry about." he smiled softly. But I know he wasn't happy, he was hurting. I need to tell him I really am sorry.
" earlier, when I said silence is sometimes better you looked at me weird." that got his attention. " we need to talk about this." he's the one who wanted to talk.
" Johnny, I need you to know: I really am sorry. I'm sorry that I don't-"
" I said don't worry about it!" he whispered angrily, I could tell he was holding back. We couldn't get loud here, my parents would be up here in a second. They already think Johnny is dangerous, thanks to Josh.
" are you ok?' I asked moving off the bed and kneeling by him at the computer desk.
"Yea I'm great...just fuckin GREAT!" he stood up and moved to the wall close to my bed, it would look as if he was checking out my posters, but I could see his body shaking, his fists clenched and his body stiffening when I called out his name. I miss the old Johnny, the one who was always happy. He always made me smile, and now it's my turn to try and cheer him up. It is my fault after all.
" I really am sorry." I went to where he was and tried to hug him sideways... but he pushed me away. It wasn't a rough push like josh would've but it was still a push. He's blocking me out, not letting me in.
" no you not!' If you were sorry, you would've left him by now. wouldn't pull me closer and push me away!" he looked away from the wall to me with tears in his eyes...
So it's true. I have been hurting him the beginning. That stupid blowjob that josh still gets angry over. I've been hurting him ever since I told him I was with Josh. I've hurt him the same way Josh has hurt me. I NEVER wanted or intended to hurt Johnny but I did it anyway.
" Johnny I...'
" you what? Lemme guess: your sorry, right? don't ok? Just don't! go run back to Josh like you always do."
" Johnny I didn't mean to..." I tried to defend myself. I never wanted to hurt him. I don't love him that way...
" SAVE IT! I don't want to hear your sorry ass excuses!" his words hurt...he wasn't yelling like josh would've been. He had control of his temper. But it still hurt.
" Johnny, they aren't excuses!" I took his face in my hands.
" oh really? So there is a reason for this shit? Tell me then!" he said while grabbing my wrists, holding me in place.
" that's not fair Johnny! you've had your chances." I paused trying to see what emotions were going on behind his green eyes. " you always, ALWAYS! Turn me down. And YOU tell me to go back to him. You have your chances and you give hand me over to josh." I was getting somewhat angry that he was trying to blame this all on me. He has had chances, and a lot of them. But he is the one that always tells me to go back to him.
" BULLSHIT! The only reason I tell you that shit is because. I know that as soon as Josh says I'm sorry ' , you'll go back to him. After all the shit he does, you always go back to him." I tried to pull back, but his strong hands held me in place, making me listen to every word that he was saying. " that motherfucker blacked you out, mark! He fuckin' suffocated you! Do you hear me? He STRANGLED YOU! And now you and him are all lovey dovey' like that shit never happened."
"...Johnny stop! Please..."I begged, he shouldn't say that. I'm not like that. This was supposed to be about me and him, not josh. I wanted to leave the room and cry into Josh's shoulder but he kept me right where I was.
" oh you want to cry now? I cry for you almost every night, wishing you would leave the son of a bitch and come to me. I cry at night thinking what he might be doing to you." don't talk about that, please Johnny anything but that, I pleaded with my eyes. " yea I know you remember, the night Josh `forgot' what the word no means. The night he fucking raped you!"
" HE DIDN'T RAPE ME! HE'S MY BOYFRIEND....he's my boyfriend..." I cried.
" Oh really? The next day I could of sworn you said rape. That josh was drunk and didn't stop. you told me that you begged him to stop...but he didn't. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU!" he was crying now, but kept his grip on me. " I held you the night after he did it. You told me you were never going back to him... and you know what happened when I woke up the next day...alone? When I went to your to see if you were ok? Do you know what I saw!?" my legs were getting weak, he's killing me. This is supposed to be secret. " DO YOU!? I SAW JOSH FUCKING YOU! I walked in on josh fucking you, a night after he raped you! Do you know how that made me feel? To know that you left me for a guy who raped you? The tears that your crying now are nothing to the ones I do every night."
" STOP!" I yelled out. Not caring if my parents heard me.
" NO! I'm scared that he's going to fucking kill you! You need to know this babe...you need to know. I'm afraid that he's going to hurt you and I wont be there to protect you. I wont be there to pull him off..."
"he wont...he promised! He's different this time. You saw him! He didn't flirt back, he acted like my boyfriend! You don't know how long I waited for it Johnny. To be good enough for him..." he wont do that, he loves me...
" that's just fucking great mark. Your already good enough for me. But I'm not josh, right? I'm not that guy that beats you! Is that what you want? Is that what I have to do to get you to love me?" he took one hand loose and grabbed my wrists with the other. It hurt, my bones rubbing against each other. I knew they were going to bruise...but Johnny isn't like this. I MADE him do this, if he hits me then I guess I deserve it...
" Johnny stop! Your scaring me..."
" THAT'S FUCKING GOOD THEN! YOU NEED TO BE SCARED!" his face was turning red... Johnny wouldn't, he couldn't.
" no I don't...he wont do it. He loves me, he promised. He's changed..." I said softly, looking at the ground instead of his green eyes. Deep down I knew he was telling the truth...but no. I love Josh.
"NO! he is going to kill you! Look at the way he is going. One hit! One time Mark! It never stops at one. He's not going to stop until your dead." he started to shake his head side to side. " you are too fucking attached to him. It' s blocking your judgement. Your smart but when it comes to Josh, you are so fucking stupid!" why is he talking to me this way? I deserve some of this but...he' s Johnny. Johnny has never yelled at me. He's starting to act like josh.
" Johnny, your hurting me...."
" oh you think this hurts? Does it hurt as bad as when he fucking strangled you. When you both act like it didn't even happen! You hurt me...when your with him." he let go of my wrists. " go. Go run back to your boyfriend, and ignore everything I just told you. Go back to pretending everything is alright... I'll still worry about you." his voice went from really, really pissed to sad.
" why did you do that?" I had to know, why did he choose to blow up today.
" you needed to know. Besides what kind of friend would I be if I didn't at lease try?" he said wiping away the tears I had on my face. I couldn't do it cause my wrists were sore. " the truth hurts sometimes babe, but you need to be warned. I know you love him, but that doesn't stop me from loving you."
" Johnny I do love you, but Josh is Josh..." how do I explain it? To say that I do love you but I belong to Josh.
" go back to your boyfriend." he had his hands on my shoulders now, looking at me with those green eyes.
"....wait." I couldn't help it... I leaned in.
" Mark? What are you doing?" Johnny was walking backwards trying to get away, but he ended up falling on the bed with me landing on top of him. " stop. You love josh."
" this is your chance Johnny, I'm not doing this because of Josh. I'm doing it cause I want to." I have no clue why I'm doing this. But it feels right.
" are you sure?"
" yea..." he flipped us over so that he was on top.
" sorry sweetheart, but I'm the top." he leaned his head down.
And as I was leaning forward I said, " that fine with me..." then our lips met. A soft kiss. He didn't even grind on me like Josh normally did, this wasn't about lust. He loved me. And I could tell from the kiss.
Then the door swung open...
A/N Ok by now I no nobody reads this shit, so whatever. If you think this chapter took too long e mail me and say so. Comments are what keep a writer going, so the more e-mails I get the more likely the next chapter will be up faster. Nel114@aol.com or if you want to aim me nel114. If you like this check out my other story anybody just not him.