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Chapter 8: confusion
We both snapped out of the kiss and looked towards the door. What was I thinking? Doing this with my parents and josh downstairs. Kissing the boy that my parents thought would corrupt their innocent son. I am far from innocent, but they think highly of a lot of people. Including Josh but they don't know the real him. The one who hurts me. Hurts the person that he is supposedly in love with. But...wait, am I not lying under Johnny with his face mere inches from my own.
My moms cat was the one who opened the door, thank god. The cat reminded me so much of Johnny, from the black coat of fur to its green eyes. But on its neck it wore a collar, the collar that josh gave him for Christmas. Josh loves that cat, even more than my mom. And it is her cat. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I heard Josh's voice not far from my door.
" Mark?" I tore my head from the door, but my ears were still tuned to Josh's voice coming closer and closer, calling out the cats name.
Johnny saw the look in my face and sighed, rolling his eyes. He moved back over to the computer desk and sat down, just when Josh opened the door and picked up the cat.
" so was talking fun?" josh asked petting the cat.
" yea...great." I replied, not looking at his face but at the ceiling. I wasn' t talking about the `talk' we had. I was talking about the kiss.
" aw. What's wrong? Johnny what'd you do?" good question, what did he do? He made me think, think about stuff that in the past I wouldn't allow myself to think about. To think about what a life with-without josh. I love him but Johnny...
" I don't know why don't you ask him?" Johnny replied.
" baby?" josh asked, but I was still too deep in my thoughts to reply. " alright, what the fuck happened?"
" we talked." said Johnny.
" And what the fuck did you talk about to make you act like this?" josh directed to Johnny.
" Again, I don't know. Why don't you ask your boyfriend." Johnny replied, equally spaced out as me. I presume lost in his thoughts of the last few moments before we kissed. And the argument. The argument...
" Mark tell me." Josh commanded. I could hear him walk over to my bed, where I was lying. Still on my back like I was when I kissed Johnny. But I wasn't looking at his beautiful green eyes. I was looking at the ceiling. " Mark?" josh asked, sounding concerned.
" Nothing." I replied.
" are you sure? You're being weird." josh leaned down over me, our bodies touching but he kept his full body weight...just like Johnny did.
" yea. Positive." I smiled, reassuring him.
" its getting late, I think I need to be home before my `rents figure out I' m not home." when he said that, I tore my eyes from the ceiling back to his green eyes. He cant leave, not now, not like this. We kissed, we made love with just a kiss.
" nobodies stoppin' ya." josh leaned over me, in the position that Johnny was just seconds earlier.
" no you dumb shit, Mark's my way home."
" why? You have a car."
" I'm on restriction."
" well then I'm going with." Josh turned back to me. " who's driving?"
" actually...me and Johnny have something to um...talk about." it was hard to pour my heart out to him, to tell him what I just did. Staring into his blue eyes ...it was hard. " I'll be right back."
" how soon? Me and you still have...stuff to talk about." I wanted so bad to just love Josh, to tell Johnny that there wasn't anything between us. I wanted everything to be back to the way they were. For me to be into Josh and Josh alone. For Johnny to be just some big brother type. I wanted life to be normal.
" I don't know..."
" twenty minutes." he kissed me on my forehead. " I'll be waiting." he rolled to the side of me, staring at the ceiling just as I was.
" sure...twenty minutes." the `talk' that Johnny and I were going to have was going to be a little bit longer than twenty minutes, Josh will just have to wait.
" ready?"
" yea. Right behind ya..."
~~~~~~*~~ " Johnny, what are we going to do?" I kept my eyes glued on the road but took a few side ways glances at him.
" what do you mean?"
" we kissed."
" I know." he said it like it wasn't a big thing, like it couldn't change our lives forever. But that kiss was more than just a kiss he knows it just as well as I do.
" what are we going to do?" I repeated.
" who says we have to anything? We can just see what happens."
" I cant do that. For one, I'm with Josh. and two, that would be way confusing." I pointed it.
" then you need to choose. Me or Josh." he shook his head.
" WHAT?I cant do that Johnny and you know it."
" I don't like sharing Mark and I don't see why I have to share you with him." and I thought Josh was the only spoiled one.
" me and you aren't together...I'm sorry but I cant." I felt bad for saying it but it was true. Me and Johnny are just friends despite what I may feel for him. He isn't Josh and he never will be.
" you kidding me right? Please say yes." he looked at me hard, studying me. I cant tell him that I'll leave Josh for him. I cant tell him that well live happily ever after if I go with him. " after everything we've talked about today your staying with him?"
" yes...I know what we talked about and I promise if he does anything, I'll leave him." he might feel better if I tell him that at least. Like I was actually listening earlier but Josh is over that, he wont hurt me ever again...
" I cant accept that. You need to leave him now. I wont let you wait until he does something. I want you to leave before it happens." he insisted. Why does he want me o leave him so bad? Yes me and Josh have problems and yes are relationship isn't perfect but Josh is done with the asshole attitude, he's changed...he just has to.
"I'm confused. Did you tell me all that stuff just to scare me into leaving josh? Or do you really care about me?"
" you already know the answer to that one Mark. So don't even go there." he sighed. " you know how I feel now and you know how bad I want you. But I wouldn' t tell you what I told you just so you could leave him and come running to me cause I know you wont. I would rather you leave him before he really fucks you up, I don't care if we never do anything beyond friends. If I know your safe then that's all that matters."
"...I'm scared" and truthfully I was. I was afraid that Johnny might be right, that Josh might go crazy and really hurt me. And afraid of loosing Johnny.
" you don't need to be...I'll be here for you."
" what are we? That kiss meant something...we are just friends anymore are we?"
" I don't know. You know how I feel and you know what you want. We don't have to be anything. We can just be us..."
"Johnny," I sighed " I love him, I cant see my life without him. I admit that I do have feelings for you, but they are nothing in comparison to Josh." I don 't like this. It feels like cheating like I'm sneaking behind his back...I wont do that. But I don't want to loose Johnny either.
"...I don't get that. He's been a dick to you since...like forever. I've done nothing but be your friend. don't I at least deserve a chance?"
" I'm sorry. I really am but..." my phone started to ring mid sentence, it was josh.
" hey,"
" where the hell are you? Twenty minutes was up like ten minutes ago." Josh said angrily.
"excuse me? But I don't remember you being the one to give me my curfew." I was upset, I never talk to Josh like that...well, unless he pisses me off
" I said twenty minutes. What the fuck do you and him have to talk about for this long?"
" stuff." I gave him the same answer he gave me earlier.
" oh okay. If I'm not here when you get back DON'T wonder why."
" I have homework to do anyway-"
" why are you being this way? What the fuck are you to talking about anyway?" he was being suspicious...but this time had a reason to.
" ...I'll see you when I get home."
" don't take to long, I need you right now." he could go from pissed off asshole to this boyish sweet person, if only he would stay like that more often.
" I'll try not to."
" I'm sorry...I didn't mean to talk to you that way." he has changed. Johnny was wrong, all that stuff he was talking about, Josh wont do it. He's different now. " do we get to have make up sex now? Its been a while since we had sex." the humor returned to his voice.
"apology accepted...and I guess you'll find out when I get back." I felt relieved that we weren't going to be arguing again
" how long will that be? I'm getting lonely."
" not that long, I just pulled into his driveway."
" I'll see you Monday." Johnny came out of no where with that, startling me. he was quiet since I started talking to Josh, except for a few glances when we were kind of arguing.
" Josh, hold on." I couldn't talk to them both at the same time, it's overwhelming. Josh and Johnny, what I feel for them is intense by itself, but combined.
" hurry up I need you." he whined.
"okay, see you at school. Or do you need a ride tomorrow?" I covered the my phone and turned towards Johnny. he looked so sad.
" no, I get my car back tomorrow." he still looked sad, wouldn't even look me in the face.
" bye, Johnny." is smiled at him hoping he would smile back but he didn't so I hugged him. His hands went around my body and it felt right...like he was meant to do that.
" don't say bye, I'll never leave you." He said seriously, his eyes were glazed over like he wanted to cry.
" um ok later." I wasn't expecting for Johnny to lean over and plant one on my cheek or when I did something unexpected, something I shouldn't have done, I kissed him...just like in my room.
"mark..." Johnny pulled back. My eyes were still closed from the intensity of the kiss but calling my name made me open them, open them to his beautiful green eyes.
" I'm sorry." I said " I shouldn't have done that." the kiss was good but, he 's not my boyfriend, he's not josh. I say I'm sorry to him but I turn around do it again, lead him on. Me and him cant be together I know this and so should he. I do have feelings for him but I shouldn't be doing this stuff behind Josh's back, he'll find out I'm not good at hiding things from him. If he finds out I'll loose both of them. Its better if me and him just stay friends its better this way.
" don't say your sorry. don't say it after you keep doing it! If you want to show me your sorry then stop! I'll wait forever if I have to but don't tease me, don't do this to me then go home josh and fuck Josh..." Johnny looked sad, today is the saddest I have ever seen him. He's always smiling always happy, he's the jokester never takes anything to seriously. But today he's the sad one, the one who looks like he's about to break down at any second. I cant keep doing this to him its wrong. I know I love Josh but when I get around Johnny everything is different. Maybe if Josh weren't around I could make Johnny happy, but he is.
" I don't know how." gazing into his eyes I wanted to kiss him again despite all the voices shouting in my head. I leaned forward and he grabbed my hand.
"mark? Still there?" but I listened to that voice, Josh's voice. Johnny looked so...different. He let go of my hand slowly.
" yea...I'm here."
" thought you hung up on me." Josh yawned.
" no...can I call you back?" I asked
" no. what's going on?"
"..nothing. Just let me call you back, please?"
" me and you, when you get back, ok?" he wants to talk now. If he agreed to it earlier than maybe this wouldn't have happened.
" I love you." he said
" love you too." I ended the call. I looked down a few seconds at my hands before I decided to talk to Johnny again. "Johnny I..."
" you cant keep doing this to me." he said exasperated. " I want to be with you but...you and josh...FUCK!! " he shook his head and got out of the car.
I followed him out, I didn't know what I was going to do but I felt like I had to. I almost stopped thinking I would just make It worst but u couldn't leave him like that.
"Johnny, please"
" your killing me." He said sadly then turned around hastily and stared at me.
" I don't know what to do Johnny. I know I cant hurt you like I've been doing-"
" about fucking time you got that! I'm tired of this Mark, so fucking tired! You know how I feel yet you keep fucking with me...your killing me." he suddenly grabbed me, I was somewhat scared. The way he was yelling and the way his eyes looked but, it was Johnny he would never hurt me. And I was right he kissed me. `this is happening too much' I thought to myself. I couldn't say that he made me kiss him because he didn't. he was holding me tight, close to his body but if I wanted to get out of it I would've. My hands were on his chest feeling his muscled chest and his were up my shirt feeling my back and going lower.
He broke the kiss. " stay with me tonight...I need you." he whispered in my ear. I was about to respond when I saw car lights coming are way. I was scared, Josh was tired of waiting and came to get me. It wouldn't be the first time... what do I say to him? How do I explain my self an more importantly how do I stop him from trying to kill Johnny? Johnny didn't even hold on, he probably thought that I would push him away but I felt like I needed to prove him wrong. I stayed right where I was, not leaving.
The car was getting closer and closer and I just held tighter. The car turned of its head lights, it was dark already so I couldn't see. Maybe Josh didn't want anyone to recognize his car if he did kill him.
" Mark?"
" I'm showing you?" I didn't let go. I felt like I had to show him that I am sorry.
the car parked and some one came out...but instead of the brown hair I was expecting or the blood red face with bright blue eyes, I saw a small woman, it was dark but I knew who it was and so did Johnny. It was his mother. I was so relieved that it wasn't Josh...what the hell was I thinking? If it was him what was I going to say, ` Johnny is my new boyfriend please be happy for me' no, I cant do that...I don't like to think that I'm afraid of Josh but I am. He can hurt more than any living person. And I'm not talking about physically... although he has proven that he has no problem with doing it...
" Johnny is that you son?" Johnnies mother asked.
" yea- I mean yes ma'm." Johnnies mother was a very nice woman as well as cheery, I guess Johnny takes after her.
" who's that with you?" by the sound of her voice I could tell she was getting closer. My back was turned so that's why she didn't recognize me. I was at Johnnies house quite a bit helping him keep up in school or just watching some old 80's flick.
" it's just Mark." he replied.
"hello Marcus." yea, she likes to use my full name for some reason. "Why are you two boys out here in the dark?"
" umm...we were talking."
"well you can do that inside, you might catch cold out here."
" well...can Mark stay the night?" Josh asked.
" well sweetie...you are grounded." Johnny begged with his eyes and his mother sighed. " since its Marcus instead of one those strange young men you bring home with you, I guess I cant say no."
"...okay mom, I'm going to wait out here for a while..." I could how nervous he was...mommy tells all.
" well don't stay out too long." I was silent the entire time they were talking. He brings strange young men home? But if he's into me then he wouldn't but ...I still...I mean, me and Josh...too confusing."
" Mark...you weren't supposed to know that. It's just...I get tired of being alone and-"
" you don't have to explain yourself...I'm not your boyfriend...were just friends, remember?" I turned my head so he wouldn't see my face. I was shocked that he didn't tell me and the thought of Johnny being with another person made me jealous. I know I didn't have the right to be but still I was jealous.
" Mark." he sighed heavily " don't do this. This was before I-"
" I said I didn't care." I said with a bit too much attitude. I was walking back to my car.
" so I take it you aren't staying over..."
" no I just...I'm confused, I just need to think."
" am I supposed to believe that? You mean your going to go home and climb in bed with Josh, right?"
" good night Johnny."
"no! please Mark?" I ignored him and went to my car, started it and left. He was still standing out there watching me...
I was thinking about how my life was going to be. I shouldn't be mad at Johnny, I mean he isn't my boyfriend and I still sleep with josh so...but I couldn't help feeling jealous. I just never thought of him as doing...that with some one who wasn't...me. And what about now? Josh wants sex I know it, I really don't feel like it but josh has away of getting me super horny. Maybe I need it. Maybe if josh makes love to me tonight then I'll forget about Johnny and all the confusion. Yes, I need Josh right now.
I opened my door silently not wanting to wake anybody, I have practice in sleeping in and out thanks to Josh. When I got to my room I opened the door to see Josh lying down under my covers facing away from me. I started to undress for bed and climbed in.
" where have you been?" Josh asked quietly.
" can we not talk about this now?" I asked.
" morning."
" okay..." I felt a bit scared talking to him, like he was going to somehow find out what happened between me and Johnny.
" I love you." he said rolling over and wrapping his arms around me.
"I love you too." I put my head on his chest, directly over his heart.
" I love you too." i fell asleep in Josh's arms with his heart beat beating in my ear. his arms were tight around me like i was going to leave him or something...
A/N
If you think this chapter took too long e mail me and say so. Comments are what keep a writer going, so the more e-mails I get the more likely the next chapter will be up faster. Nel114@aol.com or if you want to aim me nel114. If you like this check out my other story anybody just not him. And to the dude who said at least not atlease ^_^, Sarah my muse, and my biggest fan( you know who you are)