This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between the story and reality are purely coincidental. Please contact the author at doncornelius69 AT yahoo DOT com. Copyright 2023
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Authors Note : Sorry about the delay in getting this out.
CHAPTER SEVEN ZACH
Following David's visit, I knew I had work to do on myself. Darren had helped, but I needed to dig down to why I was so insecure with Tate. When I brought it up the following Tuesday, my therapist actually laughed.
"I was wondering when we were going to get into this."
I laughed, "Well, why didn't you tell me it would be problem for me?"
"Because it's better when you get to it yourself. So, walk me through what happened."
She listened patiently as I described some of the things I'd done over the course of our relationship where I thought, in hindsight, I'd run him over, finishing it with the events the night of David's visit. She asked a few questions throughout, but mostly let me unload.
She looked at me with a smile and said, "You know, not all of this is insecurity. Part of this is you wanting to establish dominance in the relationship and while he's not opposed to that, he doesn't want it to be too obvious."
I got defensive, "I'm not trying to establish dominance like some kind of animal!"
She laughed, "Yes, you are. The driving thing is a shining example..."
I was irritated, "But that's not dominance, it's me wanting to spend time with him and he's been fine with it!"
"Really?"
I thought for a second and realized there was no point arguing this. She was right. It wasn't purely me being dominant, but it was me exercising an outsized amount of control.
"Ok, you're right," I conceded, "However, Tate's anything but submissive."
"I didn't say he was, but he doesn't mind you being you. He accepts that you are going to be the more dominant partner and he's learned to adapt to it. But he's also telling you that sometimes you go too far and you can be really inconsiderate. His issue with paying a tab, that's a big tell. People usually don't care and what's shocking is how nice he's been about it, despite your decision to ignore what he's told you."
"But I just want..."
"To take care of him? Yeah, I got that and I'm sure he did as well. What you're not getting is the rest of the why."
I responded quickly, smiling, while regurgitating what she told me, "Well, it's because I'm more dominant than he is..."
She sighed, "Nope. That's not the overarching issue. You're insecure and the dominance is simultaneously part of your insecurity and a part of your personality. You feel like you need to do things for him, to take care of him, because you think it's the only way he'll stay with you. That's the part that's problematic, the rest is easy to correct.
You're turning what could be a healthy, loving relationship into a transactional one. You need to break yourself of that because he's seeing it and it's not something he's going to tolerate indefinitely."
"That's the part he's having an issue with, isn't it?"
She smiled, "Yes. And he's handling it very well. All you need to do is listen to him. He's telling you everything you need to know about being with him, effectively providing you a map and directions, but you're not listening. You're instead trying force him to adapt while ignoring his needs and feelings. That will resolve one of two ways," she finished.
"He'll leave me," I said, suddenly anxious and very aware of how oblivious I'd been.
"Or worse," she started, "he'll stick around because he loves you and you'll eventually break him. People usually don't handle something like that in a healthy way."
"They get depressed?" I asked.
She nodded, "And they self-medicate with drugs and alcohol."
"Oh God," I said, my anxiety ratcheting up.
"Zach, stop. You know what to do now so you don't have to worry about the worst. Start by listening to him, REALLY listening to him, and consider what he says. Like I said, he's telling you what you need to know."
"I can't believe I missed all this," I told her.
She nodded, "You're smart, Zach, but emotionally you're still a kid. A big kid, and that size has allowed you to get away with so much that it's altered your psychology and how you relate to people. You're taking a big step today, and I promise as you start to listen to him, you'll listen to others and it will change how you interact with people for the better."
I drove around after my session thinking about what Dr. Gaynor told me and realized how unbelievably right it all was, especially when you put it together with how he reacted on our first date when I kissed him. He must have been terrified to have so completely lost control... but he didn't pull away. He put all his trust and faith in me, something I recognized when we had sex but failed to really grasp. I'd never considered how breathtakingly brave he'd been, that he'd given up part of himself and I missed it.
By the time I showed up at his house, I could barely see through the tears. His mother, thankfully, was working late, and I unloaded. I couldn't stop saying I how sorry I was and promising him that I'd do better. He finally kissed me and that helped me calm down and I was able to tell him what we'd discussed. He was impressed with what she'd told me.
"She's right. It would have taken me months to figure out how to tell you, and she did it in a session."
"Well, we talk about you frequently," I told him, smiling.
"You're worried about breaking me, aren't you? That's what made it all real for you?"
I started to tear up again, "Yes. You leaving me would be far easier for me emotionally than knowing that I hurt you."
He hugged me tightly and I knew in an instant I would get through this. I would be the man he needed me to be in every way. It was going to take work, but now that my ears were open and my mouth was shut, I could hear him.
TATE
My mother started making calls the day after my conversation with Aaron. She'd already decided to take the day off to make Thanksgiving Day itself less of a hassle. While I was at school she was making dressing and calling elected officials all over North Texas.
Meanwhile, I asked Nina to set up an interview with the Dallas paper and several broadcast stations to talk about my case, that a witness had come forward but unfortunately Collin County was doing nothing. To say they were interested would be an understatement.
With luck, the shit show would hit that Friday evening and carry into the weekend.
The first interview was set for that afternoon and I did the others that evening. The highlight...
"We were hoping for progress, but we've recently been made aware that an eye witness stepped forward and was ignored."
... really helped generate anger, as did the `No Comment' from the Collin County DA.
It had precisely the impact we'd hoped, especially when combined with Mom's calls to politicos and activists. Her`````````` years of volunteer work were about to give her efforts a big boost.
For my part, I spent some time Thanksgiving Day researching Eddie and found out he was a very attractive guy. His hair was shorter than mine, and straight, cut up with a cute little cowlick.
He was a smaller, Hispanic version of me. Derrick had a type and I assumed Aaron would know if there were others.
While we were busy setting things up in Texas, we still made time to actually be with one another. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and Zach came over that evening for part two. On Friday, we went shopping for Christmas, and that evening the three of us went to Zach's house for yet another family Thanksgiving.
I'd never met his extended family and I was nervous, which mom and granddaddy found hilarious. They were completely relaxed because they both had Zach's number and realized this would be a much bigger deal for him. They, of course, decided not to volunteer this information and let me go on living in my head.
The person I was most anxious to meet was his older brother, Darren. When I finally got to him, I stuck out my hand, assuming he'd be like his father. He looked at me with a smile and instead hugged me close to him.
His wife, Shelly, was even more amazing and really happy there was someone stable in Zach's life. I laughed at that, knowing what she was referring to, but decided not to dive into it since I too had been anything but chaste.
After dinner, Darren asked me to step outside with him and I eagerly agreed. This was a conversation I was looking forward to, given how highly Zach thought of his older brother. I know I probably should have been nervous, but I wasn't. Darren had already alleviated the anxiety I'd been feeling and at this point, I was starting to think of him as my brother.
We sat down at the table on the patio and he looked at me appraisingly, then smiled.
"I really want to thank you."
"For what," I asked.
"Making my brother grow up."
I looked at him with a curious smile, "I don't understand..."
"Since he met you, he's matured pretty dramatically. You wouldn't have noticed it, but he's easier to talk to now, less distracted. He's not a kid anymore and you're responsible for that."
I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. I'd assumed Zach was, for lack of a better term, prêt-à-porter. Darren could have been talking about me since I'd honestly changed quite a bit. I was less jaded, more open and trusting. I had confidence in myself and in him. That I'd effected change in Zach was funny. The only thing I'd had to work on with him were his insecurities.
"Well, that has a tendency to happen over time..." I offered, laughing a little.
"When they have to," Darren said, finishing my thought. "It took me almost a year into my relationship with Shelly before I got it. With Zach, it's been overnight. That's you and I'm really happy for you both."
I smiled, "I promise I'm not being argumentative, but I really want you to give credit where it's due. Your brother is an amazing person. He's opened me up in ways I never thought possible," which made Darren laugh a bit.
"OK, OK... poor choice of words, but you see my point?"
He laughed, "Yeah, I do and I apologize for being childish."
I laughed a little, "No need," I told him. "I know you love him, but sometimes those we're closest to can't really see us."
"Yeah, I know, but aside from that monster he was with, he's never been this way. Zach's pretty much let his dick lead the way since junior high and I had a part in that because I wasn't much of a role model. I always thought he'd grow out of it and it's good to see my hope wasn't misplaced."
"It wasn't. There were a few things that tipped me off about him being a little slutty..."
"A little?" Darren laughed out.
I smiled, "BUT, he wasn't that way with me. He was really calm and patient."
"Good, at least he didn't scare you off hounding you for sex."
"Not at all. I told him about the attack the night of our second date and while he hasn't admitted it to me, I'm sure that made him really cautious about it."
Darren cleared his throat, "Second date? I can't imagine how tough that was to talk about."
I sighed, "It wasn't though, when I finally started. He listened and it meant a lot to me that someone heard me and understood what I'd been through. I hadn't wanted to tell him about it that early, but he kind of pried it out of me."
"He's nothing but subtle, my bro," he laughed out.
I smiled, "It sort of came up at dinner that night and he was desperate to know more, and to let me know that he wasn't going to get spooked by whatever it was. I was nervous because I didn't want him to think I was damaged, which I was. Am. I wasn't willing to accept that no matter what I did or how much therapy I had, it was part of me and the scar would always be there. That's what I didn't want him to see."
I could see tears in his eyes, which he quickly wiped away. "I'm sorry it went that way."
"Don't be. Your brother... it's hard to explain but he could not have handled it better, especially given what happened to your sister," I told him, wiping away the moisture from my own eyes.
"I've seen some of your interviews and Shelly and I were both impressed. So was Kim."
"Thank you. I feel like I need to talk about it so people don't fall into the traps I did, thinking they were to blame."
He nodded, "That message came through and it's meant a lot. One of Shelly's friends was attacked and you've really helped him. I also know, and you should be prepared, that Kim is head over heels for you and you're definitely going to be hugged to death when she's home for Christmas."
I teared up a bit, "Zach hasn't talked about her much and what she went through. It's painful for him."
"It is for all of us, and because we love her so much, we forget that it's not about us. What's he told you?"
"Just what she was drugged and attacked. They completed a rape kit the next day, but there hasn't been a DNA match yet." I said.
"What he didn't tell you is how she handled it, emotionally. She shut down and focused completely on school. It was productive for her, but it was really unhealthy. About two weeks after the end of the spring semester, she broke down and it took her a while to get back to where she felt good again. She internalized a lot of it, started dressing down, quit going out..."
"I wish I'd had that opportunity; it would have been such a relief."
"How do you mean?"
"I, uh, nev-never really got a break. It was during the school year so I couldn't withdraw. I stayed focused, but the guy who did it was popular and there was a never-ending stream of people who were willing to help him out."
"Violently, I'm guessing?"
I flinched, just a bit, "Some. Nothing too bad, mostly broken up before any real damage could be done."
"I'm so sorry," he said.
"It's OK. It let me know who my friends really were and it toughened me up. It's funny, but I'd been modelling for 2 years at that point and I never had to get tougher. People are nice to you when they want you to stand around and look pretty, so I never thought about how mean people could be. By the end of the spring semester, I could write a book."
He sighed, "I can imagine. People can be really horrible."
"Yeah, but they can also be really amazing. Everyone at school here has been nothing but supportive and it's made up for a lot of the pain and hatred I endured earlier this year."
"That's good to hear. I hope it wasn't because Zach threatened everyone," he asked laughing.
"No, but I'm sure it didn't hurt that he was standing with me the whole time."
"I have a feeling he's going to be there for a long time. He loves you very much and I wouldn't be a big brother if I didn't ask..."
I smiled, "I'm in love with him and I'm committed. We have a lot to work out, but I'm exactly where I want to be and I'm with the man I want in my life," I finished.
"I'm really glad to hear that. To be honest, my question was performative, if it helps."
I laughed, "It does, but I also understand where you're coming from. I know it's got to be a little obnoxious seeing us together. A friend of mine couldn't get over it."
Darren laughed, "It's not at all obnoxious, it's really sweet. The stolen glances are a dead giveaway and it makes me feel good for my brother."
I smiled, "I didn't think I was that obvious, but you and my friend picked up on the same thing. I guess I need to be a little more subtle," I told him, laughing.
The rest of the evening was a blast. We played some games and basically just enjoyed each other's company. It was a big change from my previous Thanksgiving with my father and his family which was reserved and not a lot of fun. It was also obvious I wasn't really wanted there, while here there were people who couldn't imagine me not present. It was a welcome difference.
Saturday my mother was informed that several groups in Texas were preparing to hold a protest at the Collin County DA's office on Sunday. They wanted to know if I'd be able to say a few words on a video call and I agreed.
Sunday afternoon I signed on to a Zoom call that had been set up and I found myself with a few people on the call, then the Event connected and it looked like hundreds showed up, which took my breath away for a moment. The organizers introduced me, then I spoke.
"I want to thank you all for taking time out of your lives to show the DA that justice means something. That there are so many who care is heartwarming and should make it very clear that voters care."
There was some applause, then I continued.
"I'd be lying if I said any of this was easy or that I hadn't thought about giving up, especially when I found out the DA was ignoring an eye witness. But today, you all remind me that fighting for justice IS the most important thing any of us can do and I thank you all for that reminder!"
After the other speakers, I signed off and sat there staring at the computer until I felt Zach touch my shoulder. I looked over at him and saw the warmth, love, and compassion on his face and started to cry from relief. So much had happened in such a short period of time that it was like a spring had been loaded with more and more tension and finally it unwound all at once.
As it released, I felt myself withdrawing inward and away from Zach. When the tears stopped, I looked up at him.
I cleared my throat and told him, "Babe, I need some time to be alone. I'll see you in the morning."
I got up and walked to the door, waiting for him to get up so I could walk him out. I looked back at him as he started to cry, but I didn't respond, I couldn't as I was drained. He finally rose and we walked to the door. He opened it and then stopped, looking back at me.
"I'm sorry if I..." he started to say, haltingly.
"I love you. You've been amazing and I don't want you to feel bad, but I need to be myself for a bit. I don't want to upset you, but I need this. Do you understand?"
He shook his head, a tear rolling down his cheek, "No, but if it's what you need, I'll do it." He then turned to walk out the door and stopped just on the other side of the threshold, turning back to me.
"I'll be here when you're ready." Then he turned and walked down to path to the street.
I didn't feel bad, just wrung out. I knew that withdrawing wasn't really a solution, but I KNEW what I wanted and decided to embrace that. For one night, I wanted to be alone.
I ate dinner with my mother, then went up to my room and started to write. For months, I'd been thinking about writing something about what I went through and finally decided now was the time. At 11, my mother came in to tell me good night and remind me I had school tomorrow.
A little before 1 am, I finished. I printed a copy and took it downstairs, placing it where my mother would see it on the countertop. I then attached it to an email which I sent Zach and went to bed.
ZACH
I woke up and looked at my phone, hoping to see a text from him, then noticed the email alert. I was nervous as I opened it.
`Hey Babe... take a look at the attached. It's my story which I wrote after you left. I want to know what you think.'
I read quickly and nervously, starting to cry on page 2. It was wrenching because there was so much more color to what happened to him than the abbreviated story he'd told me. This was complete, with every ugly detail neatly presented in Times New Roman.
And it broke my heart.
I'd read stories of survivors, but this was so much deeper and raw. It wasn't just that I knew the author, it was how Tate wrote. It was impossible not to feel him and the pain he endured in his words.
I dressed as quickly as I could, desperate to get to him, because I thought he was hurting and I regretted leaving him last night, despite his entreaties to do just that.
When I got to his house, I rang the bell and his mother answered the door, eyes bloodshot and obviously upset. I hugged her as quickly as I could.
"Has he said anything to you?"
"No," she said, wiping away tears. "He must have been working on it when I told him good night. I didn't even ask him about what he was writing, just told him not to stay up too much later."
We walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table.
"I want to wait," I said.
She laughed, "Well, you have that luxury, some of us have to be at work."
We talked a bit, mostly about the things we usually discussed while waiting for him descend. Less than five minutes later, as if by magic, he appeared. We both got up and walked over to hug him.
He was smiling, and there was a calm about him, as if what he'd done had excised the hurt he appeared to feel the previous night.
"What did you think," he asked.
His mother cleared her throat, "Baby, it was gut wrenching because I feel like I missed so much and I was there. I'm sorry..."
He began to cry, "Mom, please don't. That's not why I wrote it," and he reached out to hug her again. "I need to get it out. There's only so much I can do in an interview and I decided there needed to be a record, something more permanent. It wasn't to point out what you missed, because you didn't miss anything. I wouldn't have gotten through it without you." He then turned to me, "What did you think?"
"I... uh... I," I started to cry. "I knew it was bad, but I had no idea and I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
He laughed, "Then it did exactly what I needed it to do. Mom, I want to send it to Nina and ask her if she knows how to get it published. Is that OK?"
Beverly nodded, "It is, if that's what you want. Baby, I'm so proud of you!" and she hugged him again.
We sat back down to eat and talked a little, but mostly took a moment to settle down emotionally. It occurred to me that Tate had done something breathtaking. He'd taken rape and made it personal for men. It wouldn't speak to everyone, but those who got it would never be the same.
TATE
Before I left for school, I emailed a copy of what I had titled `Tate's Story' to Nina along with a note outlining what I wanted to do and reminding her I'd have 10 minutes to talk at 3 her time or longer after 630. I know it seems a little obsessive, but Nina wasn't one to keep up with times or remember I was in school and I didn't want her blowing up my phone all day.
Before we parted ways for first period, I pulled Zach to me and I kissed him with all the energy I had in me. I wanted... no, I needed to remove all the doubt and uncertainty from him, to remind him how much I loved and needed him. From the smile on his face, it worked.
"What made you do that?"
"I love you and after all the stress I needed to remind you by action."
He smiled, "You didn't need to..."
"Yeah, I did. Because the next time I need some space I don't want you to freak out the way you did last night."
He objected, "I didn't freak out, I was just worried."
"OK, well, then next time I don't want you to `worry'," which made him groan.
"Please don't do the air quotes!" he said, laughing.
We both walked away, but I turned to look at him before I went around a corner. He didn't notice and I was glad because I just wanted to burn him into my brain. That image of his powerful body walking away from me secure in the knowledge that I loved him would help me when I needed a little lift. For a second I was overcome with emotion because I was happy. Everything going on around me couldn't drive him away and I was very grateful for that.
The rest of the morning was uneventful, the only buzz being about a party on Friday we'd avoided since we were doing Thanksgiving with Zach's family. Apparently, it had been quite an event with the cops and I was glad to have avoided it.
Right at 12:01 my phone rang as I got up to head to lunch. I put my buds in and answered it.
"Hey Nina, did you have a chance to read..."
"Did I have a chance to read what you sent? Yeah, it's been my morning," she said, laughing. "I've talked to a few editors. The Times wants it for the magazine which is a pretty big get, but it's not the cover. VF wants it but they won't put it out for a month. I'm still talking to people but that's what I have so far. I also talked to a friend of mine about being your literary agent."
"Do I need one?" I asked and I was quite serious. This was all I'd written and I didn't intend to write more, other than papers for school.
"Yeah, I want someone to look over the contracts. I'll pay them out of my end through the Agency."
"Wait, people are going to pay me to publish what I wrote?"
This made Nina laugh because, for her, everything was commerce.
"What a strange little world you live in where you do things for free. Of course they're going to pay you!"
"Is there anything I need to do?"
"There's a million things, but you're on `hiatus' so I can't get you any jobs. Sit tight and I'll have a rider sent over to you and your mom to sign this evening. It covers what I'm doing on this."
My head was starting to spin, "OK..."
Nina laughed, well aware of how I sounded when I was overwhelmed, "It's no big, Tate. We got this. Go on with your day and call me when you're done with school."
I walked in a daze to lunch and sat down heavily next to Chelsea who looked at me and asked if I was OK.
I took a deep breath, "Yeah, I am. Just a lot going on."
"So, what is this thing you wrote? Zach said it was amazing."
I was a little taken aback. We hadn't talked about it, but I didn't think he'd tell anyone.
"I, uh, wrote out what happened to me, the blow by blow, last night after I finished the call with the protest in Texas."
She turned bright red and quietly said, "He didn't say what it was about, just that you'd written something and it was really well done. I'm sorry."
"Chelsea, it's OK. My agent is actually working on getting it published right now, so it's very much not private. I just didn't think he'd mention it to anyone," and I should have known better, I left unsaid.
"Can I read it?"
"Yeah, sure, I'll email you a copy when I get home."
Lunch wasn't all that exciting which was nice considering how packed the break had been. At that point, I needed a little normal.
After school I went to watch Zach practice since he and the team had made the playoffs and football would continue for at least another week. I talked to Nina at one point, who'd found an agent for us and had sent my mom documents to esign. I followed up with a text to her, asking her to do it as soon as she could and told her I'd grab dinner with Zach and would be home by 730.
As their practice broke up, he walked over to the stands and I gave him a kiss, then asked him to take me to get something to eat.
He smiled back at me, "I will. Do you want to pay or do you want me to?"
I laughed, "I'm buying. Pick a place and take me there."
I swear to God at some point I'll stop taking chances, but that moment had not yet come.
We ended up at In N Out.
The next day, the ADA who'd been working with us called Aaron and then my mom to share the `good news' that they were going to take the case before the Grand Jury. In January.
My mother laughed, "No. December and I don't want to hear anything else from you until there's an indictment, am I clear?"
"Ma'am, I really don't appreciate..."
"I don't care what you appreciate. This weekend your boss had a VERY small taste of what my connections and money can do. You tell him to get off his fat ass or I'll make goddamn sure he's chasing ambulances for a living for the rest of his life. Goodbye."
My mom was generally a very nice woman, until you made her mad. Then, there wasn't much that could save you other than an apology and the Collin County DA seemed unable to say `please forgive me'. We talked that night about all the things she would do to force him to his knees.
The next day, the ADA called to ask if I could appear before the Collin County Grand Jury on December 14th. Mom told them yes, then booked tickets for us on the 13th, returning in the afternoon on the 14th.
And then she told me about it that night. In two weeks, I was going to be telling my story to a group of strangers who would decide whether or not to indict the man who'd raped me. I wasn't excited by the prospect; it actually made me uneasy and I really didn't understand why. There was something about the idea of seeing him that made me uneasy. It wasn't hatred, it was nausea.
ZACH
I had to hand it to Tate's mother. In a week, with a day of it being a federal holiday and two days of it being a weekend, she'd managed to turn a DA's office 1400 miles away on its head. The moral of the story is not to piss off anyone who has done charity and volunteer work... they have people who owe them and will do anything to help.
From my perspective, this was all good news but to see Tate, you'd think this was bad in some way. When I showed up that Thursday morning, he wasn't happy about the prospect of justice being done, he was really kind of pensive and anxious. His mom was preoccupied with a work issue so she didn't notice, but it was top of mind for me. Before we departed, I made him stop and look at me.
That was all it took as he slumped in his chair, like his bones had been pulled out of him. He wasn't sullen, it was relief from the anxiousness that had been animating him that morning.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He looked at nothing, eyes unfocused as he stared off into space, "With you?"
I laughed, "Yeah, with me. I meant what I said, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here."
He sighed, "I feel like I should be happy."
"But you're not?"
"No, I'm not. The idea of doing this makes me feel sick and I can't figure out why."
"Maybe it's how you should feel?" I offered.
He looked at me, and I noticed some of the brightness returning to his eyes.
"Dread. I'm dreading this because it's forcing to return to a place where I was abused and beaten. I dread even seeing him, let alone all the others who made picking on me a sport." I bristled, but tried not to show it. The idea of people being terrible to him made me want to hit something.
"Tate, baby, that's OK. I don't know for sure, but I'd be willing bet any therapist would tell you it's how you should be feeling."
That seemed to help him a bit and we made it to school on time. His mood seemed to lighten as we walked in, hand in hand, and I looked over at him to see him smiling as someone came up to ask him about borrowing notes from his calculus class.
I stood there with him while he pulled a note book out and ripped pages to give a girl I barely knew who kept looking at me as if I was going to hit her. That's us... Tate elicits smiles from people we meet, I get fear. While I'm used to it, it still makes me laugh a bit.
I kept walking with him and he finally spoke up.
"Are you walking me to first period?" he asked.
"I am."
"But you'll be late, there's no way you can make it to the other hall before the bell."
I looked over at him and smiled, "I know. I feel like I need to be with you for as long as I can this morning."
He stopped, "I love you, but I'll be OK, I promise. Don't be late."
We hugged and I watched him walk away from me.