Well, after being an avid reader of stories from the Nifty Archive for some time, I've decided to make an entry of my own. I hope you all like it. If so, let me know and I will continue. My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc.
The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex (but later) I will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to develop. They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets. But I can assure you that they won't all have the same secret.
Sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter... I got busy and had a hard time finding Lance's 'voice' for the song. Thank you Tommie for your ideas and guidance. It really helped get me going.
As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you.
Lance woke with a start... His dream had upset him to the point of tears. He immediately began to pray for it was prayer that he needed to cleanse his soul.
"Dear god, I'm sorry for not being stronger. My mind is weak I know, but I can't understand why you keep testing me like this. I know you don't want me to have these thoughts. What I can't understand is why I keep having them then? Do you need to test me so much? I guess you must because I keep failing. I know you don't want me to have these thoughts, but it seems like my mind and body don't cooperate with that understanding. Please give me the strength to be the person you want me to be. Please give me the strength to resist the temptations in my life. Please give me the strength to not let my family down. I will do my best to continue to live by your teachings... Amen"
Tears are streaming down Lance's face as he finishes his prayer. He fights to push the thoughts back into place. He keeps himself together. He has too. If he ever let go for a minute, he feels that he will be swallowed by his desires. He fights back these desires using his mother's words and the voice of his minister. "It's a sin against god... it's unnatural... sinners spend eternity in hell." The words echo in Lance's mind and the tears continue to flow. His hand finds the small silver cross that hangs around his neck. "Please give me strength", he begs.
'I'm starting to lose it,' he thinks. 'Everyday for the past few days, I've woken up to those dreams... those sick, perverted dreams.' "Why me?" he sobs only to quickly replace that with "enough of this!"
He stands and wipes his eyes and tries his hardest to pretend that everything with him is business as usual that morning. He rarely sets the alarm or asks for a wake up call because he would wake on his on with out them. He has always been an early riser. No sense in lying around in bed when there is stuff to get done. Even when he would stay out late he would still wake up before 8:00am. The rest of the guys teased him about it. Of course they teased him about a lot of things.
He never minds that the rest of the guys rely on him to keep them organized.
Since the group began, he has taken the role of organizer. 'JC may be our soul and spirit', he thinks to himself, "But I get us where we need to be." He smiles as he has this exchange with himself. This is something else that the guys tease him about... Lance talks to himself... not in a crazy, seek medication now sort of way... just talks out loud. It helps him think. He finally learned a way of shutting Joey up about it too. In a brief moment of inspiration the last time Joey was teasing Lance about talking so much to himself, Lance spun around and retorted "You know what Joe.. Sometimes I just need someone intelligent to talk to and since you certainly don't fit that bill, I have to talk to myself".
Lance smiles again as he remembers the look on Joey's face. He finally comes out with a resounding... "oh Yeah?!?" To which Chris laughs "good comeback Potsie!"
'Hmmm' Lance thinks to himself. It sounds like both Justin and JC are already awake. "Now that's unusual" he says hearing movement through the walls. His room is in between Justin and JC rooms so he can hear their movements. They are both much more nocturnal than him and have kept him up on many a night in many a hotel. He has been tempted to return the favour by making a great deal of noise in the mornings, but his momma's voice always prevents him. She always impressed upon him the value of good manners. Lance and his sister had come up with a saying "better dead than rude". They always laughed about it, but also apparently never forgot it either.
Stepping over to the desk in his room, Lance picks up the calendar that has all the scheduled events in it. 'Maybe someday, I'll be known as the business minded one, instead of the shy one' he thinks to himself as he thumbs through the calendar. In today's column there is actually very little. They have a brief interview at 11:00am and a 'meet & greet' at 2:00pm but that's it for today. Lance is surprised because normally management has them booked to do stuff from dawn until they drop.
Lance's jaw tightens as he has this thought. Management... grrrrrrr. He for one was beginning to be sick and tired of their constant pressure. They never stopped. Lou would come in being all sweet and saccharine saying that he was our second father. Only then to leave, to be replaced by one of his goons, saying that their last concert sucked, Justin needs to show more skin, Chris needs to tame his hair, and Lance's dancing needs help. Lance has tried to convince himself that management has their best interest at heart, but to no avail. He hasn't really shared his concerns with the rest of the guys. He has heard grumbling at times, but nothing too severe. Lance feels that he must be alone in these concerns.
"I will not be the weak link of the group," Lance states. "The guys count on me and no matter how tired I am or whatever else is going on, I will not let them down!" He stamps his fist on the desk as he completes this last statement.
Lance is not one who lets people down. In fact, he feels great pressure to do whatever it takes to be whatever anyone needs of him. Lance learned long ago that he could always count on himself. He pushes himself beyond his limits to keep his own feelings and needs secondary as long as he is 'there' for someone else. The guys from NSYNC come to him to talk about what is going on with them. Whether it is trouble with a part in a song, a fight with their family, or trouble with a girl... well that last one would only be Joey. In fact, they call him 'Scoop'. Lance loves that. He loves being the one that the guys know that they can count on.
Lance has always been dependable. He has always been responsible. He has always been someone that would help anyone. He always puts others first. He always wants to be helpful. But most of all, he NEVER wants to need help himself. He shudders at the thought without truly knowing why.
Lance hadn't heard anything from Justin's room in awhile, and he figured that he had gone back to sleep. Lance would give him another hour and then wake him up. "What should I order everyone for breakfast?", he muses. He smiles to himself and whispers, "French Toast!"
He was brought out of his thoughts hearing the shower come on in JC rooms. His mind dances briefly with images of JC stripping naked for the shower. Lance's mental eye dances over the long, lithe body of his bandmate ultimately landing on those eyes. Lance shakes his head trying to rid himself of the images. Tears are flowing down his face again now. "I wish I were dead," he cries collapsing onto his bed. His mind recoils as a swirl of memories flood his brain.
=================== The voice he hears in his head now is not his own. It is his mother's as she is talking to a friend. Lance is 13 here and coming into the kitchen as he hears her begin to talk. She wasn't aware that Lance could hear and he slid to the side so he wouldn't be noticed. "I don't know how Claudia can do it. If my Lance told me he was gay, I would just die! Now I know he is not the most masculine of boys but that is just because he is artistic. He will grow out of it though." "And just think what it would do to his father?" Diane Bass continued. "Not to mention that I could never show my face in church again. I just don't see how Claudia is holding her head up at all." Each word cut lance to the core and these words had haunted him for years, and they always came back to Lance when he was feeling weak.
================= His memory shifts to a dark movie theatre later that same year where he is hanging out with several of his friends. The movie is a teen horror flick and the scene is one where the heroine is running away from the killer with her breasts exposed and bouncing up and down. His buddy Brad whispers "any guy who doesn't have a woody in his pants has got to be a fag!" Lance nodded to him, but secretly wanted to die for his penis remained limp. Limp that is until the hero of the movie rushes in bare-assed naked and tackles the killer. The sight of the men wrestling has Lance's member hard as a rock. He is grateful for the darkness for tears fill his eyes.
================= Lance is now in the back of a car making out with his girlfriend. They met and became friends in Europe and started dating. Lance has never done more than kiss anybody and was tired of the guys teasing him about being a virgin. Plus, he wanted to prove to himself that he was straight. His anxiety level increased though for the more he kissed this girl the less happened in his pants. And when she reached for his belt, he bolted out of the car and ran all the way home. He never called her again, and when the guys asked about it, he lamely told them that he was moving to fast for her so she dumped him. How ironic... normally the guy is all over the girl, but for Lance he was too scared that he couldn't perform, that he would rather flee.
================= Lance's strict upbringing has left him unsure of what he is supposed to believe. His eyes squeeze shut tightly as he remembers an argument with Joey a couple of years ago. The band was starting to get known in Europe, and they were starting to think about heading back to the States. They had just finished a concert and were being mobbed by fans. All girls of course.
The guys that make up NSYNC politely signed posters and posed for pictures. Well, Joey sees this small group of young guys standing off to the side. He calls out to them asking if they wanted autographs or something?
When the boys came up to them, Lance was shocked to see that two of them were holding hands. They were not that much older than he was at the time. In fact, with this bleached hair that management had forced on him, he looked a lot like these two teens. In excellent English, with a cute accent, the boys explained that they loved their music and the band. Lance held back while the rest of the guys posed for pictures with the two guys. He couldn't believe how open they were. They were GAY!!! Didn't the rest of the guys in the band realize that that was a sin against nature and god!
Lance was shaken out of these thoughts by another young teen running up to him. The boy was shaking in excitement and began professing his love for Lance. Lance turned his head quickly trying to get help but saw boys clinging to Justin and JC as well. They were smiling and being polite, but Lance couldn't handle it. He stumbled over his feet as he recoiled and ended up lying on the ground staring up at this wide-eyed German youth. He gasped and was frantically trying to come up with something to say when Joey rescued him.
Joey throws his arms around the startled German guy and exclaims "Nobody loves Joey?" He pulls the boy away back to the crowd and shoots a look at Lance. He look is a cold critical look, and Lance knew he hadn't heard the end of this.
"How could you do that?" Joey demanded after they were assembled back in the hotel room. "That boy loved you the same way the girls do. It's all innocent, and we have the obligation of treating our fans with respect!"
"I'm sorry Joe," Lance began. "Please don't be mad. I was just startled that's all. I'm not used to fags being so open and running up to me like that"
"Fags!" Joey and JC yelled in unison!
"What's wrong with you Lance," JC had asked and then ran from the room.
Lance was puzzled for a moment and noticed Justin's glare as he followed JC out.
"Scoop, look.. we know you come from a strict background... but you are cool with black people and a lot of southern boys aren't... what's the deal with gay people?" Joes asks softening his voice.
"Black people are sinners, Joe." Lance said as tears began to fall.
"Neither are gay people, Scoop," Joey answered. "Do you really think that love can be wrong?"
"No... but my minister, my mom always said..." Lance began.
"Lance nothing against your mom, but don't you think it is time you start to figure things out for yourself and not just accept everything she says. Some of the people I am closest to in the world are gay, and if I believed what some people say about being gay, it would tear out my heart. Trust me Lance, people that are gay are not necessarily bad people. They have to work hard at being bad... just like Chris!" Joey shifted his tone lightening the mood.
"Hey!" the uncharacteristically quiet Chris replied. "But he's right Lance... I'm not totally comfortable with gay people like flirt-boy there, but I know that gay people aren't inherently bad." ==========================
Back on his bed in the hotel room, Lance still cries remembering Joey's words. 'Maybe being gay isn't the worst thing in the world... but being worried that you are sure seems like it', he thinks.
This is not the first time he has pictured JC naked. Living together on the tour bus and being around each other all the time has been hard on Lance. The guys are very comfortable around each other and tend to change in front of each other without concern. In the 3 years the band had been together, Lance had managed to never see any of his bandmates naked. Well, Joey... but everyone has seen Joey naked... the running joke with the road crew is that you are not initiated into the family until you've seen Fatone's ass.
Despite himself, Lance smiles at this thought. Joey is a great friend and is probably the only person Lance could completely be comfortable around. His light friendly manner was totally genuine. He cares about his bandmates as he did his family. He is fun, but could be serious when needed. Joey is someone that makes Lance forget his own worries, and Lance loves him for that. Joey never judges anyone. He accepts everything about people and never tries to get them to change. Lance admires that in Joey too, and truly wishes he were more like that.
"I cant be gay" he screams, though into his pillow so the sound carries only to his own ears. Fitting too... because he never has said the words before.
As much as he has tried to push it away over the last few years, he has found himself more and more attracted to other guys... especially the one in the shower next door. 'Why can't I just be normal... just be who my mom wants me to be...' he thinks.
Lance wipes his tears and stands up. "Enough!" he says. "I will not give in. I may never be able to be completely normal, but I can still never let anyone know how different I am!"
Lance is back in control again. He orders breakfast for the guys and straightens up his room. His face is one of determination as he goes about trying to regain composure. He is walking into the bathroom to shower when he hears JC turn off his shower. Thoughts of a naked JC flood his brain again. He shakes his head and steps into the shower as quickly as possible.
He turns the water to as hot as he can stand hoping to scald away his thoughts. His brain is reeling and to his disgust he notices his penis is hard and throbbing. Lance turns the water to cold and shivers through the water enduring it as long as he can.
When he steps out of the water a few seconds later, he has regained full control. Control is what he needs. With control, there is nothing that can hurt him. Or at least this is what he struggles with himself to believe.
He has finished dressing and is busily spiking his hair as there is a knock on the door. Seconds later Joey and Chris walk in laughing about something.
"Morning guys, glad to see you didn't feel a need for me to open the door or anything" Lance says trying to pretend he is mad.
"You're welcome Scoop! Glad to be of service" Chris chimes back.
Lance rolls his eyes as he sees the waiter bringing up the food. He can't help but notice the guys eyes are almost as blue as JC's. Lance blushes slightly, and he motions to the table and then signs the check. "Thank you" he says then reading the man's nametag and adds "Tom".
Tom hasn't finished leaving the room before Joey begins teasing Lance. "Liked what you saw Scoop?"
"WHAT?" Lance says much louder than he intended.
"You looked like you wanted to devour that poor boy Lance. Is there something you'd like to tell us?" Chris adds catching on to Joey's joke.
"Dammit! You two shut up!," Lance screams. "I was not interested in the waiter."
"Could have fooled us Lance, and him probably the way he was staring at you!" Joey continues.
"Joey, Stop..." JC says from the doorway.
"Come on JC... we were just teasing Lance. He knows we didn't mean anything by it." Chris said looking at Lance for a sign of approval.
Lance turns his head quickly for he feels the tears rising in him again. "I'll go get Justin" he mumbles as he slides past JC in the door. He wasn't two steps away from the room before he heard JC lecturing Joey and Chris about taking jokes too far. Lance was smiling at JC's kindness as he knocked on Justin's door. There was no answer so he opened the door slightly and went in.
Justin lay in his bed fully dressed but sound asleep. Lance touches his shoulder and quietly calls his name. Justin wakes with a start with wild eyes. "Shhh.. Just, it's okay.. it's just me.. Lance"
"Oh shit! Lance... why the hell are you scaring me like that?"
"Sorry dude.. Just came in to let you know that breakfast was ready. I heard you up earlier but I guess you must have fallen back asleep."
"Yeah," Justin begins. "Didn't sleep well."
"Anything wrong?" Lance asks.
"Nah, just some stuff on my mind... don't worry about it"
"That's cool. Just let me know if you need me okay?"
"Will do bro!.. and Lance, thanks"
"Not a problem" Lance says blushing. "Let's go eat."
JC had finished his lecture by the time they entered the room and Joey and Chris were busily eating.
"Did you leave us any Joe?" Justin chirps.
"I think they're some crusts left" Joey retorts.
They boys of NSYNC eat their breakfasts exchanging jokes between themselves.
They really are the close group of five guys, no brothers, that they portray to the media. Each member of the group enjoys these times when they can be together. This morning is not that unusual with the exception that three of the members had had sleepless nights!
"Lance, what do we have to do today?" JC asks.
"We have an interview in a little over an hour... and then a meet and greet later. Why?" Lance responds.
"If you guys don't mind, I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes." JC begins nervously.
"Of course you can bro! Something wrong." Justin immediately says forgetting completely his own worries.
"Well, This is something I've needed to say for a long time. I don't know how to say it other than just blurt it out... Oh god.. here goes... guys, I'm g..." JC struggles to say until the phone ringing interrupts him.
Well, that's the third Chapter. Sorry it took so long to get posted... I'll try and do better before classes start in the fall... It is also my fist attempt at a cliff hanger... what do you think?
Please let me know if you like it so far. any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com
I want to thank everyone who emailed me their reactions to the first chapter. I was truly touched by your kindness. I want to thank Tommie and Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading. I am a fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await are: Nsync Lance and JC, search and rescue, not meant to be, and Nick and Justin... but those are just a few!
Some new ones I have just discovered are: Beneath it all & Mirrors - we're all grateful that Scotty is writing again... both stories are great and look like they are going to be the same caliber as LISA. More recent discoveries are: Tale of two Boybands (Aphrodite... keep JC and Justin together), Tears in your Eyes (can't wait to see where this is going), Remembering Petticoat Lane, and the wonderful Superman Cant Fly (Dayse, how are you doing on the sequel?)