I know this is a broken record by now, but I want to begin by apologizing for the delay in getting this chapter out. I want to thank all of those people who have been encouraging me to get back to my story. I can only say how much I appreciate it. I've had a miserable semester at school and the workload between school and work nearly killed me... Again, thanks for all your support! Sorry for disappearing both here and in #boybands. This is my first story so I love getting feedback on what people like/dislike about the story so far. My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc.
The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex. I will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to develop. They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets. But I can assure you that they won't all have the same secret.
As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you.
The kiss lasts longer than the day... night has fallen around them but Josh and Lance take no notice. Staring into each other's eyes transports the two lovers away from this world. Lance is now lying in Josh's arms watching the stars twinkle in the deep blue pools. Lance cannot seem to wipe a huge grin off his face. "Let's stay here forever", he says.
He is rewarded with another kiss from his boyfriend. "Babe, the guys are going to be very worried as it is. If we were to stay here forever, who would keep Joey out of trouble?" Josh says smiling.
"Josh, I'm scared..." Lance whispers.
"Scared... about?"
"Leaving this roof means facing the world, facing my parents, facing the guys, facing myself. I've been so screwed up for so long I don't want to go back there again... I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it all." Lance says as tears begin to fall down his cheek.
Josh pulls the blond close to him and wipes a tear from Lances cheek. "Lance, I've waited my entire lifetime to feel this way and have it returned. I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. We can take things as slowly as we need to. I also promise to remind you of this moment, this love, anytime you need me to. You were my friend long before this moment and now, I hope that our love and friendship for each other can grow into something even more beautiful. Though it will be hard pressed to be more beautiful than you."
The sea, that lives in Lance's eyes, mists as he is overcome with his feelings for his lover. "Josh, I promise you that I will love you forever. I only hope I can be worthy of your love. I feel so screwed up and I cannot imagine how difficult it will be for you to be with me. I have no right to ask for your patience, but I promise that someday I will be worthy of you."
It is Josh's turn to start crying as his heart overflows with emotion. "Love, please do not talk like that. When you say that you do not feel worthy it makes me feel that you think that you are not good enough for me. I don't want to start our relationship as anything but equals. I have my own scars and my own baggage. You will have to be patient with me. You will learn things about me that you wont like. You will hate me at least once." A finger quiets the blonde's attempt at protest. "Let me finish. No relationship is easy, but I am willing to give you my best effort if you will have me. Lance, will you be my boyfriend?"
The tears pouring from Lance's eyes rob him of the view of his handsome love's face. He reaches out and pulls Josh to him and kisses him deeply. "Yes" is all that he is able to whisper.
The two hold each other tightly and cry. Tears that profess joy. Tears that profess rebirth. Tears that melt away at old wounds. Tears that have been too long denied two young beautiful souls.
"I want to tell the guys." Lance says breaking the embrace. "I was so awful to you earlier today. I am so grateful that you have given me another chance, but I don't want to hide anything anymore. I want us to begin our relationship with no secrets, no hiding, and with our friends around us."
Josh smiles at Lance's courage. "Babe, I want to shout from the rooftops too, but we will have to keep it on the downlow in public..."
"Shhhhh... Lance says quieting his boyfriend. "We'll think about that later. Right now, since we're on a rooftop I cannot think of anything I'd rather do."
"I LOVE JOSH CHASEZ!" Lance screams into the wind.
"I LOVE LANCE BASS!!" Josh echoes adding his tenor to the bass voice. Their voices harmonize as they shout again and again and again. Finally they collapse into each other's arms laughing and kissing each other.
Lance becomes transfixed in Josh's gaze and starts passionately kissing Josh. The urgency they feel cannot be quenched by a normal kiss. They must try and get inside the other person. They must become one. Lance's hands begin to move on their own. He is exploring his love's body. Rubbing his chest and broad shoulders. His thin, tight torso and long graceful arms. Resisting his prudish upbringing, Lance starts pulling at the button to Josh's jeans. He must get at Josh's penis. He knows nothing else at this moment.
For the second time in one day, Josh pulls a friend's hand away from his erect member. "Babe, I want nothing more right now that to make love with you until... well forever! But, you need to give me some time. I have jumped into sex way too early, way too many times. I know you don't see me as a conquest, but too many people have. Plus, this is all so new to you. I want you to be ready as well. I want us to wait until we are both ready and not simply horny."
"I know you are right Josh, but how come that still feels like a rejection?" Lance asks pouting.
"Lance, I could never reject you or withhold you anything! My life is yours for the asking. Please understand that I am not rejecting you, I am trying to ensure that we will be successful at this relationship. You are way to special for me to fuck things up like I normally do."
"Josh, you will never degrade or put yourself down again! Do you hear me? You call me special, and yourself trash in the same sentence. I will not stand for that! Sure, you've made your share of mistakes. As have I. But, you only have to look as far as your own reflection in a mirror to see the greatest, strongest, sweetest, most beautiful human being on the earth."
It is Josh's turn to bury his head in his boyfriend's shoulder and cry the tears that restore the soul. "I love you, Lance. Now. Forever. I will do anything you want, but I think we should wait."
"Shhh... Josh, baby. Don't cry. I know you are right. I have so much to figure out. It just seems that at this moment the only thing that feels right is being with you. Plus, I have never been with a guy before or..." Lance's voice fades.
"Or? You're telling me that you are a virgin aren't you? And not just with guys."
"Yes" Lance says, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Then, my darling, sweet man. If and when you do me the honour of being your first, I want it to be so special that your feet won't touch the ground for days." Josh says, and silently to himself 'as special as mine was not'.
"But if we do it right, doesn't that mean that I won't be able to sit down for days?" Lance says and immediately blushes.
"Scoop! I can't believe you just said that! You never make dirty jokes. Hell, I was beginning to think that you didn't have a dirty mind at all." Josh laughs at his friend and love.
"Well... I do. I may be inexperienced, and I may have suppressed a lot, but that doesn't mean that I'm totally ignorant!" Lance pouts.
"Babe, you're just too cute for words" Josh smiles as he kisses Lance's protruding lower lip. "We should be heading back down to Justin's room. He'll be worried."
"I know hun. But you'll forgive me if I don't want to share you won't you?"
Lance says his eyes meeting Josh's.
"Lance, I'll forgive you anything. As long as we are honest with each other we can weather anything."
Josh pulls Lance into a tight embrace, and the two young men hold each other until their hearts start beating in unison. Finally, Lance pulls apart from the hug. "Let's go back downstairs" Lance says.
The stars shine brightly and the moon illuminates each step as two newfound lovers make their way across the rooftop and into the stairwell.
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Justin can still taste Joey's lips on his own as he ordered several large pizzas listing off each of his band mate's favourite ingredients. The young man is tired and weary. 'What a long day', he thinks to himself.
He lazily flops onto his bed and flips open his laptop. His mind wanders, and he notices a painting in his room for the first time. It is a simple painting of a purple iris. But Justin is amazed by the fact that he has been in this room almost a week now and he has not noticed it.
He is brought out of his musings by the familiar tones of his email program indicating that he had mail. He scans the list and smiles as he reads a note from his mom. She is describing some antics of his younger brother and reminding her elder son that he was just like that when he was younger. He grins as he responds with a quick 'well then you should count yourself lucky 'cause look how great I turned out to be'. 'I'll write her more later' he thinks to himself, adding, 'but what will I tell her...'
He shakes the thoughts from his head as he sees the now familiar address and opens Tay's letter.
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My dear Randy,
I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about your latest email. I'm overjoyed that you have someone to talk to now who knows you so well. Let him comfort and nurture you as you gain this new understanding of yourself. I was troubled by your reaction to immediately seduce your friend. I remember all to well the feelings that are pent up inside when you are hiding who you are from yourself and the world. Be careful not to confuse the feelings of loneliness with the feelings of lust. In both, you desire to be with someone, but for very different reasons. I don't want to see you hurt, my friend.
Yes, we do need to talk about the industry. I am in it. Have been so for most of my childhood and all of my adolescence. How about you? I apologize for keeping myself veiled but it could be very dangerous for my career if anyone were to find out. As much as I hate to hide and keep the truth from those I care about, I know that this is not the right time for me to declare to the world that one of america's favourite teen heart throb's is a big fairy!
Wow.. I just realized that took guts for me to even admit that much about my identity. You have become dear to me... and before I lose my nerve again... another reason that I found your email troubling was that I was hoping that there might be a future for us together. I know that's foolish. We don't even know each other, but from our first encounter, I have felt connected to you. I know that sounds foolish.
Anyway, I'm gonna send this before I delete it with my waning courage. I hope things work out for you and your friend and hope that you two will be very happy together...
All the best and hope to hear from you soon, Tay
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Justin's mind swirls as he looks up from the screen. 'Tay feels about me the same way I feel about him!' Justin cannot bear to take the time to write a response and wait for Tay's letter back... if he writes back! His fingers fly as he clicks the keyboard and touch pad. In mere seconds he has logged onto the now familiar chatroom only to curse out loud when he did not see Tay's name in the list of people who were there. Realizing that he has been holding his breath this whole time, Justin exhales and types a salutation.
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<Randy> Hi all... hope everyone's doing well.
Hi Randy. Things are going well with me. We just got started actually. It's been a couple of days, how have things been going with you?
Hi Randy!! Good to see you!
<Randy> Thanks guys. Ummm.. things with me are kinda weird atm actually... but I don't want to interrupt... I'll wait my turn.
Don't be silly Randy. We had just begun and nobody else had started to talk yet. Why don't you go ahead... seems like you have a lot on your mind.
Go for it Randy.
<Randy> okay... well this great thing happened... sort of... my best friend came out to me the other day... he's great! Well this is great because I have someone who is feeling the same way I do to talk to, but not great because I made a pass at him and he turned me down...
Ouch!
I guess you have become more sure about your own sexuality then?
<Randy> I guess so... I mean yeah, I am gay! It feels good actually to say that... scary too... I'm tired of being afraid and scared...
Sorry guy... why did you make a pass at him anyway? Had you been lusting after him?
<Randy> No nothing like that... at least I don't think so... I've known him for years... he's my best friend... he's like a brother to me... I love him as such... I think I was just confused...
Sounds like you might not have been rejected by him... he might have felt the same way and not wanted to ruin it...
<Randy> That's just what he said!! And part of me knows he's right... but it just seemed so ... I don't know... perfect... you know?
Randy, I know what you mean for sure... I was soooooooooo lonely when I finally came out that anyone that showed me the slightest attention I instantly fell in love with... eventually I realized that I was trying to make myself feel less lonely... unfortunately, not before I got my heart broken a few times
A hard lesson eh Steve?
you bet bro!
<Randy> I'm so tired of feeling confused ... and SO tired of being lonely... I have tons of people in my life... but I still feel all alone...
This is going to sound corny but... it sounds like you might want to spend some time with yourself... get to know yourself, learn more about yourself, accept you for who you are... and love yourself...
self-love! It's a glorious thing!
Babe... I don't think he was talking about masturbation!
I knew that smartass grin
<Randy> you're right Richard... that does sound corny... but it also has a ring of truth to it... arrrrggggg
Give yourself plenty of time right now Randy... It's like a whole new world has been opened for you... it's exciting and fun but a bit terrifying too!
<Randy> Hmmmm... exciting... I guess you could look like it that way... cool! I want to have some fun... does that sound weird?
Not to me... you haven't talked about it much yet, but I take it that you were victimized when you were younger... that frequently takes a lot of joy away from someone so young when they are forced to grow up so fast...
<Randy> Stop that! you're going to make me start to cry...
When was the last time you really cried about it?
<Randy> It feels like I cry about it all the time... but I guess I haven't cried about it since the first time...
Do you want to tell us about it?
<Randy> it's still really hard... I've actually never told anyone about this... but... When I was younger, I joined this group and the guy that was helping us out is a real ass... he was all nice and shit to us for the longest time... he pretended that he was like a father to us and then after a couple of months, he came to me one day and told me that if I didn't have sex with him he would cancel the group and that my dreams as well as everyone else's would be in the toilet. I tried to reason with him... I tried to cry ... I tried to fight him off... but he overpowered me at every step... he... he... he raped me that first time... and has been raping me and degrading me ever since...
Randy, thank you for trusting us enough to share that I know it can't be easy... both to deal with and to share with someone else... I am sorry that this happened to you...
Me too Randyboy... I'm sorry it happened to all of us... but you were victimized by the person you were supposed to be able to trust... and he has hurt you for so long... I'm so angry at this man and I don't even know him...
<Randy> Well I do know the bastard and you need to be angry at him...
Randy, YOU need to be angry at him too...
<Randy> I am ... I am... or I try to be... I don't want to hurt the rest of the guys... I don't want them to know...
Randy... you're not to blame for that bastard! He hurt you... he may have hurt others... he is totally at fault... you did not ask to be hurt solely because you had a dream!
<Randy> you happy now richie.. you have me blubbering here! :)
Richard is always happy when he makes us cry... he says it's for our own good... but I think he just likes to
not true.. not true.. Randy, what you're opening up right now is huge... please make sure you have plenty of people to support you right now... I don't know what group you're in... but if these guys care about you, they don't want you hurt... if you care about yourself... you shouldn't allow yourself to be hurt...
And we're all here for you too... Tay also, he was on earlier and asked about you... he said to say hi, but he had to go to a SIA meeting tonight...
<Randy> that's right... I keep wanting to look to see if there is a meeting near me...
Look right now bro! Don't put off what you can do today! It's in the phone book under support groups.
[Justin pulls out the phone book from his bedside table and thumbs to the section... He calls from his room thanking the fates that this hotel has network connections in each room...]
<Randy> Fate must be speaking pretty loudly today guys... 'cause there's a group that meets close to here and it starts in an hour...
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Time has frozen. Justin's hands are clenched tightly to the steering wheel of the car and his white knuckles showing his stress. 'Well,' he asks himself, 'you've been sitting here for 20 minutes now... are you going in? or you going to let that bastard continue to haunt you?'
The pizzas had arrived and Justin shoveled a couple of slices into his mouth before arranging with the hotel to rent a car for the evening. As he was leaving, JC and Lance came back in together... The whole group was surprised and relieved to see that they made up. It looked liked they had been crying, but were grinning too so he guesses that they were happy again.
His mind flashes on the confusion in their faces when he announced that a) going out, b) didn't want anyone else to come along, and c) didn't feel like saying where he was going. One pleading look to JC brought him to Justin's aid. Justin knows that his best friend knows that with all the new stuff Justin has faced today, he could really use some time to himself.
Now, he is sitting in his rental car staring into the darkness. The only break in the darkness is a dim illumination on a closed metal door. The one remaining light bulb in the outdoor fixture is not enough to fend off the night's embrace. Justin has watched as strangers have gotten out of their cars and shifted into the building through this doorway.
"One brown, dented door is all that is standing between me and facing up to some truths" Justin speaks out loud. "What is keeping me from going in?"
Of course he knows the answer. By going in that meeting it will mean admitting to himself and to others what happened. The panic-stricken look on the teen's face makes him look much smaller and much younger than he really is. Slowly. Very Slowly, the blond takes as deep a breath as he can and moves from the car and into the building in one motion. He knows that if he were to break his stride, even for an instant, his summoned courage would falter and he would bolt!
The room is brightly lit and Justin ducks his head as a number of faces turn to see whom the intruder is. Justin nods sheepishly and sinks into a chair.
A chair that is within arms reach of the door so that he can run if necessary. His fears have little to do with being recognized, but he should worry about that as well. The baseball cap pulled down over his distinguishable curls conceals him for the most part. It's his own demons that he doesn't want to recognize. He can tell his cheeks are red as the meeting resumes its pace.
The meeting flows very quickly, and Justin is almost immediately engrossed in the stories he is hearing. He hears people tell of their pains and their joys. Their successes and their setbacks. But ultimately... their survival. It is amazing to Justin when he hears his own fears and concerns, thoughts and emotions coming out of the mouths of others. 'I'm not crazy' 'I'm not alone' and finally 'I will survive'. Justin tunes in as a guy about his own age named Mike is talking...
... [Mike speaks ... I was so excited that day too. It was going to be my first official day of school in the high school... I was running to get to school early and took a couple of short cuts that I don't normally do... anyway.. all of a sudden four guys jumped out and threw me on the ground... I thought they just wanted my money so I pulled my wallet out and held it out to them... they took my wallet but apparently were angered because I didn't have enough money in the wallet... one guy says 'we'll teach him to hold out on us'... they dragged me behind a dumpster... they starting hitting me... yelling at me... I begged them to stop... but they wouldn't... I cried... they didn't care... one pulls out his cock and forces it in my face... he hissed in my face that if I bit him that he would kill me... I'll spare you guys more than that... but they all raped me... my mouth... my ass... my spirit... my mind... my soul... but they left me my life... when I dragged myself out to the street again I was just in time for a car load of my fellow high schoolers to see me... they stopped and called for help... I recovered from the blows... I can even sleep through almost every night now... I can still feel them touching me... I can still smell their stink... is that weird? Does that mean I'm crazy? I really want to thank Chris who talked the last time I was here. When he had the courage to talk about that he had gotten an erection during his attack and did that mean that he enjoyed it... that he deserved... that he liked it... that was so helpful for me... I had so many of those same thoughts... I know some of you guys here are gay, and that's totally cool, but I didn't know what all that meant... It was scary for me to think all of a sudden that I am gay now... or not a man anymore... sorry guys I realize that I've started to ramble. What I really mean to say... is that for the first time in a long time... I almost recognize myself when I look in the mirror... I am very grateful for all the support I've gotten here... and I only hope that I can someday give back to this group even a fraction of what I have gained... thank you
Justin watches as the young man sits back down. His mind is so filled with thoughts that he can barely hear the applause people give Mike as he sits back among his friends. The young man's emotions echo in Justin's heart. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut to thank the fates for leading him to this group tonight and to keep the tears from starting to flow. His mind is dimly aware that someone else has started to speak and introduces himself as Gene...
Justin's eyes shoot open as he recognizes the voice. He has heard this voice thousands of times both in song and speech... He slumps in his seat suddenly panicked that he would be recognized but he is too late... He looks up at the speaker and has locked eyes with Nick Carter...
Well, that's the seventh Chapter. I've now officially become one of those authors who moans at the end of each chapter because they are getting no feedback... now I know it's been two months since I posted... but I only got three emails after my last chapter. So I now beseech you all... I really do appreciate the emails. So... Keep the emails coming! :)
Please let me know if you like it so far. Any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. Again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com
I want to thank everyone who emailed me his or her reactions to the chapter.
I was truly touched by your kindness. I want to thank Tommie and Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading. I miss them both as I am not around as much as I used to be... I am a fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await are:
Nsync Lance and JC - Kevin... Thank YOU!!! I loved the latest chapter... Search and rescue - Matt... Let's keep JC and Matt happy for a while ok? Not meant to be - Kyle... I was braced for the ending... and it was written beautifully... but I am choosing to believe that Kyle regains his senses and goes to Florida! Nick and Justin - Keep up the good work! Josh and Just - Get rid of that bitch Stacey!!! Tears in your Eyes wonderful series full of surprises... thank you for the epilogue... now if you don't mind one more chapter... I really need to know that JC is going to be okay :) !
but those are just a few!