I want to thank everyone who decided to write to me recently :) You gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to continue working on Heaven in your Eyes :D That said, I think there are plenty of stories that people should always check out on this site . . . including . . . "Switching places with Nick Carter", "Intimate Stranger", "Josh and Just", "Changes", "Twist and Turns", "Open Arms", "This I Promise You", "Because I Love You", "Justin's Secrets", and "Any Path" :) . . . These are just a few (And I know I am forgetting some great stories out there . . .); Heh, if you ask my opinion . . . the best ones are the stories that don't rush the sex ;)
Legal Stuff: If you are reading this, then I hope it's because you are A) Of the right age, and B) Are accepting of other relationship types (That's one way to put it I guess :). If either of these don't apply, I ask that you don't continue reading.
Disclaimer: I don't mean to imply that any celebrity involved in the story is gay in anyway. (But I do have my own speculations about a few . . . I'll keep those to myself :)
"I kissed Brian."
It was the first thought that developed in Nick's mind as he finally began to emerge from sleep. Almost immediately he felt that familiar surge of uncertainty, that confusing rush of emotions that had forced him to flee from Brian the night before. Everything he'd been taught up to that point, by his parents and teachers, by his peers, told him that homosexuality was wrong. Devious, an act that was seen immoral in the eyes of a God he didn't even know if he believed in. But . . . there was something undeniably right in the way that kiss had felt. Something that made Nick wish to experience it again, to return to the hallway floor and be once more on top of Brian.
He sat up in bed, wrapping himself in his own arms. He was gay. There could no longer be any denial to that unwavering fact. He'd never been attracted to girls, but that he'd blamed on youth. On late budding hormones that would eventually burst forth and open his eyes to the world of women. It was a belief that he now realized was so pathetically wrong, it was almost laughable.
He was gay. Those months of discomfort around the other guys, the strange feelings he'd experienced around Brian. They all had an explanation now. Sure it was a difficult explanation, one that would possibly ruin his life and career before they'd even began, but it was an answer none the less.
"And Brian?" A voice chimed in at the back of his head. In his haste . . . or was it excitement . . . to explain his own feelings, Nick had forgotten the other participant in his "discovery kiss". Did Brian feel the same way? While drunk, inhibitions had been pushed aside and Nick had instigated the kiss, but hadn't he felt Brian returning it?
The joys of self-discovery now began to dissolve away, leaving room for paranoia to settle in on the young blonde. What if Brian didn't feel the same way? The thought was enough to make Nick want to cry, to bury himself in his covers and never come out. He'd have ruined the only real friendship of his life . . . and maybe permanently sealed his monopoly over the feeling of loneliness. He desperately needed to know Brian's reaction, but his body was gripped by fear. He couldn't move from the bed.
His legs felt like jelly and he feared that he'd fall if he attempted to stand up. Nick's body simply refused to respond, his muscles gripped by an unrelenting force that was willing him to remain immobile. Nick tried to swallow and found a knot in his throat, nearly choking him. This was stupid, he chided himself, and yet that uncontrollable force still held his body in its will.
Nick closed his eyes, trying to banish any of the thoughts that had greeted him upon waking. He needed to focus on something else, find an outlet for his overworked paranoia. A sound finally began filtering past the rhythmic beating of his own heartbeat in his ears. His roommate, AJ, was snoring.
He risked a glance over to the other teen, most likely sleeping off a hangover from the night before. Raspy, loud breaths echoed out of AJ's mouth, their intensity surprising Nick. How could he have been unable to hear them before? "That doesn't matter Nick, just focus on the sound." Nick re-closed his eyes and focused only on the snores of his hotel mate. Minutes passed, though they seemed to drag on for an eternity, before his left arm finally responded to his commands.
He brought it up to his brow, wiping away at the condensation that had formed. His entire body seemed to be covered in sweat, a result of his earlier fears? He slowly opened his eyes, allowing them to fully adjust to the early morning light. He needed to take a shower. If he kept focusing on the here and now, perhaps he wouldn't worry about last night and the what ifs. Perhaps he wouldn't have to think about the possible consequences of his actions. Perhaps . . . but it was doubtful.
When Nick finally stepped out of the bedroom at 11o'clock, AJ was still fast asleep in bed. He took the time to lock the door, then turned to a mirror that was hanging directly perpendicular. He was showered and looked the part of a happy-go-lucky kid, though he hardly felt that way. He was different. Now a member of a minority, a small group of people that were undeniably unlike the "norm". Or was he? He still looked the same, his body was unchanged and his blond hair still lay messy on his head. He still had that goofy smile and his blue eyes were still piercingly beautiful. The only difference were his emotions, his choice on whom he was going to fall in love with. He may be gay, yes, but he still felt like the same Nick Carter that he'd been for the last thirteen years of his life. The same Nick that had long known the bitter feelings of longeliness that he was now striving to escape.
He jammed his hands into his pockets and turned away from the mirror. What he needed was a walk, a chance to clear his mind. Fresh air could do that or so he'd heard somewhere in the past. Nick began moving down the hall, now using the patterns on the floor to keep his earlier fears from returning. He was so transfixed by the roaming red and blue balls that he didn't notice the footsteps steadily approaching him from his rear.
"Nick." He stopped short and felt a lump permanently forming within his throat, threatening to suffocate him on the spot. He turned and looked up, taking in the sight of the one person who he'd longed to see. The one person who, at the same time, he feared with all his being.
"Br . . . Brian." His response came out choked and he hated sounding so timid, so child-like. The older teen smiled slightly, but there was something in his eyes. A guarded look, an uncertainty that Nick would be an idiot to not realize stemmed from the previous night's event.
"I think we need to talk."
Nick had once heard a saying about silence being so "thick you could cut it with a knife." At that moment, it appeared that he would be in more need of a machete. Or maybe a chainsaw. A word hadn't been spoken since they'd left the hotel and stepped into Kevin's rented vehicle. Brian had "borrowed" the keys for a short drive; fully planning to return them after things had been sorted out.
As the car rolled a long, Nick found himself staring out the window. Counting pedestrians, studying the shapes in the clouds, anything was a better alternative then facing his fears. Anything was better then turning around and only seeing hatred or disgust wrapped into Brian's angelic features. He could feel his body shaking, shivering, but it wasn't that cold. He was nervous and frightened; lord he'd never been more scared in his entire life. The silence was killing him, Brian's seeming calm as opposed to Nick's absolute fear only serving to strengthen the flames of his terror. Was he feeling remotely the same thing? How could he remain so composed . . . when Nick was ready to burst from his skin screaming?
Brian finally pulled the car off the side of the road, stopping it beside a wooded area. Nick finally gathered the courage to turn, shooting Brian a questioning look. "Ah I just didn't want anyone bothering us." The soft voice filled Nick's ears and he was momentarily hypnotized by it. He hated how much power Brian unknowingly wielded over him.
"All right." Nick realized that he was now violently shaking and his cheeks turned a bright shade of crimson. He couldn't bare to look at Brian, instead casting his eyes towards his own lap. He began to play with his hands, anything to distract him from the current scene. He wondered where that cut on his ring finger came fro . . .
"Nick." Startled, his eyes shot up to Brian's. As they met, Nick realized that there wouldn't be any escaping. He was becoming lost in the crystal blue orbs and he couldn't . . . wouldn't fight the control they had over him. A soft hand gently rubbed his shoulder, comforting him. "It's all right Nick, I'm not going to hurt you." Nick nodded dumbly, but his shaking only subsided ever so slightly.
"Brian . . . last night I . . . this morning I realized that I . . ."
"I'm gay, Nick." The fear was painfully evident in his voice and yet, Nick had never heard sweeter words spoken in his entire life. He slowly reached up and took Brian's hand, gently squeezing it. "I'm so sorry for last night. For taking advantage of you like that, you know with that kiss." It was Brian's turn to attempt to look away, to break their stare, but he couldn't.
"Brian it's all right."
"It's just ah . . . Ah only realized how I felt a few weeks ago. Didn't tell anyone back home yet, well one friend. I think she's the only one that ah could ever bear to tell, I'm afraid of what anyone else would say. That's why ah didn't tell you when we first met. Cause Kevin doesn't even know yet."
"Brian . . . it's all right." Nick smiled, reaching out with his remaining hand to touch Brian's cheek. It was warm . . . so inviting . . . Nick had never felt surer of his sexuality then that moment. He leaned in closer, his body and mind for once both screaming the same message: Go for it. He could feel Brian's breath on his lips as they neared, hear the other teen's steady breathing as his eyes closed.
Then flesh connected on flesh, gently at first and then picking up urgency. He pulled back suddenly, glancing into Brian's face for that look of disgust that he'd feared all morning. All he saw was desire, passion, and Nick's heart swelled. "I'm gay too."