Heavenly Bodies

Heavenly Bodies 12

Chapter 12

"Selah isn't coming?" Trucker asks.

We are sent on our mission. The planet is in an area known as the Pinwheel Galaxy. I realize now that we are 21 million light-years away from Earth or what once was Earth. Every day I feel more and more lost. I look over at Lucky. It's been a week now that Selah has returned. Lucky has been avoiding us completely. I wonder if it's because of what I said to him. I'm so torn on my feelings. I don't know where this is going and right now I just can't focus on it.

"The Admiral doesn't know Selah is alive," I tell the crew, "I'd like to keep it that way."

The last thing I needed was a infamous dead boy walking around the Pioneer hangar bay ready to go on missions for the UCE. I look over at my crew. Everyone seems to have something on their mind.

"Launching," Kakashi announces.

The hung faces seem to all be lost in their own thoughts when we head out into the galaxy. The stars around us make everything feel so real. Usually Trucker is getting everyone excited about how we were about to find a new planet or Cassie was flirting with someone. Usually by now Kakashi and Royce would be fighting about who would manning the panels as our shuttle launched away from the Pioneer. None of that happened though.

The shuttle moves swifty through space to our destination and instead of the usual feeling of hope and designation everyone seems to be reserved.

Everyone is thinking about Selah.

"Is there something you all want to say?" I ask.

I know my crew. They are my friends. They are my family. It's the only thing close enough to a family that any of us have left. I can read them even from the Captain's chair. I swivel my chair enough to see their faces. There is a sense of hesitation when I ask the question. No one wants to be the first one to speak out.

Selah coming back should have been a happy moment but the news he had brought back was somewhat burdened.

It's Anne who chooses to speak for the groups.

"We've been talking," Anne states.

"About?"

"About Selah."

A few people drop their heads, especially Trucker as though something heavy is on his mind. This isn't good. The long faces weren't good. We would be arriving to our destination planet in a few hours. The shuttle we were in was able to travel at remarkable speeds throughout the pinwheel galaxy.

"What about Selah?" I ask.

To be honest I'm scared to ask the question because I'm scared to get the answer.

"We don't know if we trust him," Anne replies.

The words get heavy in her throat. Hearing Anne say it like that makes me hurt a little bit. I'm not angry, because I sort of expected it after the news he broke as well. The explanation to why he was alive seemed somewhat remarkable to say the least.

"It's impossible for him to be alive," Idris butts in more aggressively.

"Idris...we agreed that I'd talk to the captain," Anne responds.

"No fuck that," Idris states, "We don't trust him Captain. Selah should be dead right now."

The way Idris says it is almost as though he's angry about the fact that Selah is alive. It hurts as well. I think a lot before I respond. I can see my entire crew watching my face.

"He's not. That's a good thing right?" I ask.

There is silence.

"Eh..."

"Right?" I ask.

No response.

The silence fills the room. It's thick and uncomfortable. It isn't until Anne picks up from where Idris left off. Anne is more measured. She is more precise with her words. She knows how I feel about Selah. They all do. I made it very clear when I kissed him. I wonder how long they knew though. How long have they been trying to keep their discovery a secret from me? Now that it was all in the open it's clear they are treading carefully.

"We believe Selah has been compromised by aliens."

"Compromised? They saved him."

"And did who knows what?" Idris butts in again.

"IDRIS!" Royce barks at him.

Idris stops cutting Anne off.

I don't like this. I don't like how they are responding to this.

"Everyone speak freely," I state, "Idris what are your concerns with what happened to Selah. Do you not believe he was saved by Jonathan and that Jonathan is an alien."

"Aliens destroyed our home."

"Different aliens."

"An alien is an alien," Jonathan responds, "Selah has been compromised. God knows what they did to him when they took him. And we don't trust him or anything he has to say. We think it's time that you told the Admiral about his return."

My mouth drops.

I had no idea they felt like this. Kakashi buries himself shyly in the navigation system. This whole time he has been one of Selah's big defenders. Royce was always fair but right now

"Did all of you feel this way?"

"We didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation. We know your relationship with Selah may cause a conflict of interest..." Anne states.

I look over at Lucky. I wonder if he has this conversation with them as well. The way he stares however at that moment lets me know that he hasn't had this conversation. He has been completely blindsided just like me. I am reacting to it in a much better way though. I know when Lucky stands up from the Tactician panel and faces the room of the Heavenly that he is beyond pissed.

"The Admiral will try to kill Selah again," Lucky states.

"Selah shouldn't be alive in the first place. Now he's back and he has all this information about other aliens and he supposedly went an inhabitable planet."

"How many stars are in the pinwheel galaxy? 1 trillion," Lucky states, "Drake's equation puts that there could be about 100,000,000 civilizations in the Milky Way alone. Yet we are all having a hard time believing Selah when he said he was saved by one of them?"

"And you're willing to trust anyone that isn't human?" Idris asks.

"I don't trust aliens. I trust Selah."

"And Selah got his information from Jonathan...whose a fucking alien. So it's one in the same," Idris argues, "Selah can't be fucking trusted."

I see it coming a mile away. I make sure I hop out of my seat, skip over the captain's control panel and hold Lucky down right as he is about to charge at Idris. This time though I'm the only one trying to keep the peace. The others are acting like they don't even see it. The others are acting like they don't even hear Idris provoking Lucky.

I'm able to hold down Lucky though, long enough to keep him from fighting Idris...again.

"You got one more time to trash Selah," Lucky argues.

"We are supposed to be a family," Anne states, "This is why we came to you Captain."

"Selah is a part of this family."

"No. Not anymore he isn't," Anne explains.

"So what are you saying?" I ask.

"If you don't tell the Admiral about Selah being alive then one of us will," Idris tells me.

The mission doesn't get easier after that. I find myself in the Observation deck. Cassie has just let me know that this planet isn't inhabitable. The others don't even bother to come look at it this time.

Habitable planets, intelligent life, interstellar travel and star systems didn't go well with the human mind. I open my flask that I've been keeping hidden for quite some time. Back on the Pioneer it was hard to find any more real liquor. Everyone was drinking this putrid hooch drink that was disgusting to say the least.

I feel a hand on my back. It's firm. I know the touch before I even turn around to look at it.

"You need to do something," Lucky states.

He's pissed. He's been arguing with the crew for the last 5 hours. It's gotten him no where. He hasn't given up yet. The others have just shut down completely.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You love him. You just going to give him up to the Admiral?" Lucky asks me.

"I am the Captain of the crew," I state, "I can't let my feelings get in the way of me representing the crew."

"So much for love man."

"You come up with a plan and I'll follow it. I can't come up with one. One way or another the crew wants to give Selah up. They don't trust aliens. And they feel like Selah has been compromised by aliens."

"That's bullshit. If Jonathan wanted to hurt us he would have done it. He helped us."

"Or he could be tricking us."

"Is that what you believe?"

I think about it. There was a time that I told Lucky that I trusted Jonathan. If Jonathan knew that Selah was alive this entire time and kept me away from him then how could I trust him? Did Jonathan trust me? He didn't tell me where Selah was. He told Lucky of all people. Maybe he knew that Lucky would be the one here fighting for him while I was just stuck once again between my job and the man I loved.

"No...it's not," I state, "Personally I believe everything Selah said."

"Then help me," Lucky begs me at that moment, "We have to protect Selah. We can't let what happened to him before happen again."

"I'll talk to the Admiral. I'm sure he'll be reasonable."

"Reasonable? The admiral has a habit of throwing people into space. How is that reasonable?"

"I'm trying here!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

I bang up against the observation window so hard that if it were made of regular glass I would have shattered it into a thousand pieces. Lucky is looking at me like I don't care. He's wrong. I love Selah more than he could know. At the same time I felt completely helpless. For the first time in my life I was completely unprepared for what just happened. For the first time in my life I had no idea what to do. I felt so out of control.

"Try harder. Your crew is talking about betraying Selah and you aren't doing shit about it," Lucky responds, "I thought you were better than that man."

"You doubt I love him?" I ask.

"I doubt you know what love is," Lucky responds.

"Excuse me."

"When I was young I was raised with an abusive father. I never understood it because my mother was the sweetest woman in the world. Every day she would be the sole income for the household, come home, cook and clean. Then before the night was over my father would beat her. Over and over. For no reason. I never understood it. He beat her in front of me. He'd make me watch. I used to cry and fight for her but that would only make him beat her worse and more often. It wasn't until I grew older that I realized he beat her to keep us both down mentally. He was afraid she would realize her worth and leave him. He was afraid I'd realize her worth and convince her to leave. So this was our family bonding time. He would be her to make us think she wasn't worth fighting for. He beat her in front of me to take all the fight out of me."

The memories are painful on his face. Anyone else would cry about them but Lucky just looks so angry. He looks so upset. Why was Lucky telling me this now? Why was he finally talking about his past? I didn't understand.

"What does this have to do with me and Selah."

"When you love someone there is nothing you wouldn't do to save them. I wish I would have felt that way when I was young. You sitting here acting like you are torn between your love for your crew and your love for Selah. That shouldn't even be a comparison."

"I love my crew."

"Well I love Selah. And I'll do whatever it takes to save him. You can't do the same."

I shake my head. I was letting him under my skin. It was working. I was the captain of my fate. I was in control. Control was everything. Right now I had to stay in control no matter what.

I attempt to walk away, "You don't know anything about how I feel about Selah. Clearly."

Lucky turns me around.

He slams me on the nearest wall and does something I don't expect. Lucky starts kissing me. His tongue forces itself into my mouth. He pins me dramatically kissing me in the most extra way possible. I do the only thing that I know I can do. I bite his tongue and when he squirms in pain, I give him a good push off of me that almost knocks him on his ass.

He smirks at it. Lucky is going crazy with the idea of saving Selah. I can see the clear desperation in his eyes. He isn't thinking right.

"You supposedly loved him so much but once you got the first opportunity you slept with me. And you were feeling me so much but before long you were right back to him."

I don't know what comes over me. I hit Lucky. I hit him once in the face. I hit him again in the face. Over and over my fists start flying as he hits the ground. I see red. I'm so pissed. It isn't until the crew runs out to stop me from flailing on Lucky that I manage to stop. I'm not sorry either. Lucky knew how I felt about Selah. He knew how complicated our situation was. For him to throw it in my face that I wasn't doing enough to save Selah was a low blow.

Royce and Kakashi hold me back. I've had all this tension bottled up so long and it just came out like a hurricane.

"You made me do this!" I state.

"I'm glad," Lucky smiles, "I made you fight for him."

"What?" I ask.

I don't know what Lucky has going on right now but the look in his eyes is just so reckless. He doesn't look back at me. He doesn't give me a stare or anything like it. It's Cassie who is holding him back and all of a sudden Lucky smiles.

Lucky doesn't seem interested in me or even mad that I attacked him right now. Right now he turns to Cassie and his attention is completely on her.

"Cassie did it," Lucky states.

"Did what?" Anne asks.

Cassie gives him a hard look, "Lucky----don't you dare."

I'm confused. Everyone else in the room is just as confused as I am. I don't get it what Lucky is talking about. What did any of this have to do with Cassie. We all look at her. I can see this fear in her eyes at that moment. She is completely shocked.

"Cassie told Captain Koopa about the Upsetter," Lucky explains.

We all look at Cassie. The guilt is written all over her face. I can see it a mile away. I'm so confused at that moment. I shake my head. I'm disappointed. Cassie was the reason that Selah was thrown out into space. She had many opportunities to own up to her involvement. Maybe they both would have been spared if she had.

Royce shakes his head, "Cassie why would you do that?"

"Oh don't play innocent again, Royce. You all helped her," Lucky states.

"What?" Royce asks.

"He's lying," Cassie states, "I did help Koopa but no one knew."

Lucky was lying. Why? I squint at him wondering what he was doing right now.

"If you guys turn against Selah I'm going to turn against you...every last one of you," Lucky explains, "I'll tell him how you all helped Captain Koopa free the Upsetter."

There is an uproar. A few of them look like they are ready to hurt Lucky. A few of them are screaming at the top of their lungs. There is outrage. It's clear Lucky is lying. It's clear he is so desperate to save Selah that he would make up a lie in order to do so.

Idris is the one who calls it for what it is, "This is blackmail!"

"I'm doing what I have to do," Lucky explains.

Lucky was desperate. He was desperate enough to lie in order to save Selah. The look in his eyes shows the desperation. The look in his eyes shows love. Yet even though I realize that Lucky is on the brink of losing control I wonder if he's right. I always promised myself I would remain in control of my destiny. I always promised myself that I would steer my ship the way that I wanted to. Seeing Lucky lose control is so unsettling but I wonder if that is what I should be doing.

My crew was willing to sell out the man that I loved. If they told the Admiral Selah was still alive I'd have to risk Procedure 990 again. I couldn't go through that again. I couldn't lose Selah again.

I had to make a decision. I had to lose control.

"I'm sorry," I state first.

They all turn to me.

"What?" Anne asks, "You don't believe Lucky do you? Cassie just said that she was the only one who had anything to do with it."

"Unfortunately I do believe Lucky and I'll have to turn you all in if you anyone of you say anything about Selah," I state.

The room gets quiet. They expect this kind of manipulation from Lucky. They don't expect it from their beloved Captain. I feel like shit. It's eating me up inside. I had to make a decision between my crew and the love of my life. I was being selfish this time around.

I chose Selah.

"This isn't happening," Trucker states.

Young Trucker puts his hands on his head. It's the shocked look of someone realizing that the world is a cruel place for the very first time. This might as well be the second Upsetting by how people looked. I've never felt so much pain in my life. I've never felt so much heartbreak. Yet I knew that the only way to save Selah would be to tie the entire crews fate into his.

"I suggest you all get back to work and forget any attempts to turn Selah into the Admiral right now," I state.

I get the worst looks I've ever gotten from my crew. My friends. My family.

They all leave at that moment and there is no one there but Lucky. He nods at me.

I finally understand what he means that he forced me to fight for Selah.

~

It's a long day when I get back to the Pioneer. I head to my room. It's the only place I can go. Usually the crew would gather to do a celebration of the fact that we got back to the space station safe. We'd drink hooch and tell stories. None of that is happening. Not today.

Selah is in my bedroom. I'm shocked when I see that he's found a crayon and is writing in the walls. He's wearing nothing at all but black marks on his face. I should be upset but I'm not. I could care less if he marks up the walls or not. I study his body. I study the smooth round ass and I sit on the bed just watching him create these figures.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"Ever since I came back the universe has just seemed so much clearer," he tells me.

I look at the figures he's drawing. They are stick figures like a child. If the members of my crew knew that Selah was in my bedroom drawing stick figures naked they would freak out. I pace myself pushing my hands on my head and feeling a headache come on. Even thinking about what happened on our last mission is driving me crazy.

"Did you see my alcohol?" I ask Selah.

Selah stops, "You don't need that stuff. It doesn't help you think clear."

"You used to drink with me."

"And I used to not see as clear," Selah explains.

"Selah I don't know what you're talking about. I don't understand. Fuck it. I just need a drink man."

I start throwing around things in the room. One turned over pillow becomes me tossing the mattress aside, slamming drawers and throwing things frantically out of my closet. Soon I realize that it's true. I've completely run out of alcohol. I've completely run out of it. I fall to the floor at that moment. I'm so out of control right now. So fucking out of control.

Selah walks over to me. He sits on my lap, pushing his soft round ass up against my pelvis. He doesn't do it in a sexual way even though I'm turned on by him. He does it in another way. It's innocent and comforting in a way. He uses his legs to wrap them around me. He uses his arms to embrace me. Somehow this makes me feel so much safer. It somehow distracts from my urge to drink.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"I was given up for adoption when I was really young," I explain to him, "It was out of my control. I was raised with this really strict religious family. I was never in control then. I promised myself when I became a man that I'd always stay in control of how my life went. I'd always stay in control of my body, my mind and my actions. Like Invictus."

"Invictus?"

"It's a poem. It's a poem abouto self-discipline and fortitude in adversity."

Selah laughs, "That sounds like the definition of you Chad Kane."

His smile is cute. I lean forward and kiss him. His lips are soft. I want to kiss him more but the words of the poem just come into my head so instead I whisper them into his Selah's mouth instead.

"It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul."

Selah doesn't move his mouth. He opens it instead almost inhaling the words as I speak. When I'm done he lets his tongue enter my mouth. His tongue tastes so good. It turns me on. My dick hardens as he speaks to me and I think of doing the most amazing things to him. He's comforting me in the most amazing way.

"They are beautiful words. Words to live by. What about your self-discipline makes you sad?" he asks me.

"Like I told you I always would control my body, my mind and my actions. I hadn't really thought much about my heart. And you are my heart."

"And you're mine," he answers quickly.

"I did something Selah. Something I couldn't control. Now the crew hates me."

"Why do you think that?" I ask.

"I threatened to join Lucky in a lie against them. They don't trust me anymore."

Selah nods, "Hmm. Why would you do that?"

"They want to turn you into the Admiral," I state, "They are scared the aliens brainwashed you somehow. They are scared the aliens fucked with your way of thinking."

"Are you sure they didn't?" Selah asks.

"What?"

"Baby I don't know how to describe it," Selah responds, "But ever since I came back I've just been different."

"Do you think your brain has been tampered with?" I ask.

Selah hesitates.

Then he nods.

Then he stays quiet as though waiting for me to change my mind about him. I don't. I hold him. I press him up against my chest so that he feels safe. I keep him there and let him bury his head between the space next to my shoulders and my neck.

"I don't believe Jonathan was here to hurt us. Whatever Jonathan is."

"Well I don't believe the crew hates you," he replies quickly before adding with an uncertain glare, "I could understand if you doubt me though. I can understand if you change your mind. I can understand if you feel you made the wrong choice with the crew..."

"I choose you Selah," I explain to him, "I choose you every time. And now I realize that you are the master of my fate. You are the captain of my soul."

Selah leans back.

"Marry me."

"What?"

"I don't have a ring or...a priest...or a chapel..." he explains, "I don't have a cake nor do I have family to attend. But I have a lot of love for you. And with all that has been going on I've just been wondering if---"

"Yes."

No time to waste. No time to hesitate.

"Yes?"

No time for regrets. I loved this man.

"Yes."

We make love all through the night. I would describe it but it's hard. It's not fully just kissing or me entering him...or him entering me. It isn't about an orgasm. I don't even remember if we do orgasm or if we ever stopped having one. The feeling rushing through me is something that I can't describe in words. Something...transcendent.

That night I believe Selah.

There was something else out there. There were civilizations that used languages we couldn't speak. There were good forces and bad being with intentions that we couldn't understand. We were not alone in this bed. All the mysteries of the universe were wrapped up in this bed with us.

Some we would discover. Some we would never understand.

And the thing that Selah teaches me that night is one simple lesson: It's Ok.

~

I wake up. It's in the middle of the night. I turn to hold Selah. He likes to cuddle up close to me and I like to feel his hair on my chin. As I turn I realize he isn't there and I jump out of bed. I'm naked and sweating almost immediately. I find myself walking towards the door where I see him. He's standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Who is it?" I ask him.

He doesn't reply.

As I walk to the door I notice Cassie standing there. She has this pissed off look on her face.

"Thanks for the talk," Cassie tells Selah, ignores me and turns to walk away.

I'm confused. What the hell was Cassie talking to Selah about at this time of night. I touch Selah's shoulder and when he turns around I see tears. Full tears. Drastic tears. Tears that are telling me that his whole life has come crashing down around him.

I'm so confused.

"What! What happened?"

Selah shakes his head. He backs away from me. He's disgusted. It's almost like I'm a different person to him.

"Cassie told me about you and Lucky."

To read the next chapter in advance go to www.crushedcrown.com