Heavenly Bodies 13
Chapter 13- Selah
Some people think death is final. The moment that I find out about Chad and Lucky I realize that this has been the 2nd time that I've died and yet somehow I'm still breathing. I can literally feel Cassie tear my heart from my chest when she tells me about the two of them.
When she leaves me alone Chad is there. He's standing in the darkness. His face is the same. He has those big lips with soft Carmex that look like soft pillows. His eyes are still the shapes of almond. He even still smells like cinnamon and John Varvatos cologne. But right now, he is a stranger. He looks at me and I don't even need to ask. It is all written on his face.
"Was it just sex?"
For some reason I am lying to myself to feel as though if it was just sex I'd feel better about it. I know I wouldn't for long. Maybe it would be some sort of temporarily relief until I got mad again. It doesn't matter. Chad doesn't even give me that. He just gets quiet. He refuses to answer. He stares out into the darkness with this dumb ass expression on his face as though I'm the Upsetter speaking some alien language that he doesn't quite understand.
He stares out. Silent and cold.
I repeat the question. This time slowly, "Was it just sex?"
"No," he finally responds.
He doesn't offer anything else than that. I would assume if it wasn't too bad he would have given me some sort of relief. There is none. It is bad. It is as bad as I could imagine. Whatever they had was definitely more than just sex. This was something deeper.
"How could you?" I ask him.
Chad is breathing hard. Did he somehow believe that he would be able to just pretend like nothing had happened this time. I feel so betrayed. Here I was around the two of them pretending like everything was the same and that nothing had change. All the while the man I loved failed to let me know about this situation he had going on.
Chad squints. He bites his lower lip. He's struggling with the words but his heart is speaking a million miles per minute. I can literally hear it thumping in his chest.
"I was going to tell you."
"No you weren't. You're lying."
Why wait so long if he was really going to tell me? Why be so surprised when found out that Cassie had spilled the beans if he really wanted me to know? I was smarter than that. The look on Chad's face right now is shock and humiliation.
He tries to touch me.
I push his hand away.
"I thought you were dead," Chad utters through big, moistened lips.
He says it as though it makes it all better. There are a million things that go through my head. I toggle between being sad and angry. Instead of sadness, the anger gets the most of me. I push him, square in his chest hard when he gives me that as an excuse.
"So you move on that quick?" I ask.
"I was lonely."
"So you move on with Lucky?" I ask.
There are tears now. There are so many tears. Between him and me, I'm not sure who cries the most. I cry so much that I'm blinded. I can't see. The only thing I can really hear is whimpering. I can hear him whimpering and his figure moving closer to me struggling to decide whether to touch me again.
He decides against it.
Chad shakes his head, "You don't know how it is."
"Right. You are the only one who has lost someone," I tell Chad, "And the moment I'm gone you are on to the next one. How long did you wait?"
Pause. No answer.
The pause seems worse than the truth. The guilt is burning him to even stop his fucking sad pathetic whimpering.
"Selah..."
"HOW LONG!"
He pauses.
He doesn't respond until I push him as hard as I can waking him up from this daze of self-pity and regret that he even has to be having this conversation right now.
"Not as long as I should have," he tells me but then repeats as though praying for this whole issue to go away.
"You didn't mourn me. A day? Two days?"
"Enough."
He's not saying enough time. He waited no time. That much is clear. He's saying enough of my questioning. He's had enough.
"What am I hurting YOUR feelings?" I ask him, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't die in space. I'm so sad that I came back just in time to inconvenience and hurt your feelings."
He's angry now. I can tell by how he slams his fist on the table as hard as he can, "You don't know what it's like! You think you do but you don't! He comforted me when I needed comfort to continue!"
"Is that what you say to make yourself sleep at night?" I ask him.
"It's the truth."
Now. Now he wanted to tell the truth after Cassie had broken the news. Maybe I should have been more understanding but right now I wasn't understanding. Right now I was angry and I didn't care if he knew it.
I come to a realization,, "It's not love. What you felt for me wasn't love."
"Selah don't ever question that. I love you."
"Not hard enough. Not long enough. You moved on," I explain to him, "Now go move on."
I walk away at that moment. It starts off as a walk at least. I end up running as though he's chasing me. He might be chasing me. I think I hear him calling out a few times. If he is chasing me he isn't fast enough. He doesn't try hard enough.
I get away from him.
~
I run for as fast as I can, for as long as I can. Hours pass with me just walking attempting to avoid people who might recognize me so not to cause a scene.
I hide so hard that I forget myself. I fall asleep in the threshold of a storage closet feeling sorry for myself and only wake up to the sound of someone walking.
It's late at night. I can tell because the lights in the corridor have been dim for preservation.
The space station is quiet. It's nothing unusual really. Space is always quiet. What is unusual is a slight flickering in the distance. Usually, it was very consistent on the Pioneer. It could be some engineering presence at least I think it could be.
That is until I see a shadow at the very end of a long corridor. It could be 50 feet away but the corridor is so straight that I can make out the shadow. It stands. Watching. Waiting.
"Hello."
It doesn't move.
"Hello!" I scream out louder.
This time it does move. It doesn't step, though. I can see something else. I can see the shape of the body changing. It's the slightest change but I swear I can make it out!
"I know it's you!" I scream out.
My heart is pacing. I'm losing my breath. I can feel the discomfort of it all. I just know that something is coming after me but I can't tell what it is. I start walking backward. The figure in the distance finally takes a few steps towards me. I start taking a few steps back. The figure moves faster. I move faster.
I am afraid to turn around and run. I'm afraid to take my eyes off of it.
My palms are sweating and my heart is beating fast! I can feel the presence lingering, stalking me. I start to saunter backward. My legs feel weak, but I know any minute this thing is going to pounce.
Any minute it is going to turn!
Any minute it is going to pounce and chase after me as fast as it can.
I feel it brace itself. I brace myself for the chase. I tighten my thigh muscles. I inhale the air around me. I feel the floor beneath me. I turn at that moment I'm ready to run but I don't get far. I hit someone. I hit them hard as hell!
I fall to the ground!
"SELAH!"
I realize the person who has knocked me down is Katashi. He helps me up.
"Is it really you?" I ask Katashi.
I'm staring at his face scared and waiting for it to change. He seems a little freaked out while he stands there. Sooner or later though I realize his face isn't changing. I realize that this is really Katashi who has found me.
"Thank god..."
"You OK?" he asks me, "What were you running from?"
I look back down towards the corridor. Nothing is there. I was sure it was there, though. Katashi must have scared it off.
"It's gone."
"What's gone?"
"The Upsetter," I state.
"Holy shit. The Upsetter was here?" he asks me.
I nod, "I think so. I can't know for sure."
"This is why you shouldn't be wandering the ship on your own," Katashi states, "The entire crew has been exploring the Pioneer for hours looking for you. You can't just do things like this."
I think about why I ran off. It was dumb. The Upsetter wasn't the only thing I needed to worry about on the ship. If the Admiral found out I was alive he was going to definitely suspect the aliens saved me. If he knew the aliens saved me it would be dangerous for me. I knew that. I think the others knew that too. There was no other reason they would be looking for us.
"I'm sorry," I tell Katashi.
I don't mean to worry him. I don't mean to worry any of them. They are like family to me.
Katashi nods, "Why'd you run off?"
"The Captain didn't tell you?" I ask him.
Katashi shakes his head, "No. He just said that you were missing and that we needed to find you. He didn't mention why."
"And you guys went searching for me?"
"Of course we did. Why wouldn't we?"
I hesitate.
"Chad told me how you guys wanted to turn me into the Admiral," I state.
"It's not like that...." he explains.
"It's OK," I state shaking my head, "It honestly is. I'm thinking maybe it's best that I meet the Admiral."
Katashi gets quiet. I can look in his eyes and tell that he's upset.
"Are you joking?"
"No. There's something important I have to tell him."
"Tell me."
"I have to talk to the Admiral about it," I explain to him.
He wouldn't understand if I told him. He probably wouldn't believe me. Even if Katashi did believe me there was nothing in his power for him to do anything about what I knew. The Admiral had control of the Pioneer. He was the only one who could do anything at all about my situation.
"You can't do that. OK...maybe people are confused but don't do that. That would be like you basically committing suicide."
"You don't know that."
"You want to risk it? What about everyone else? What about the Captain? You want to risk him being torn apart over possibly losing you again?"
"He'll be fine. He'll move on...quickly. Trust me."
It's a hard truth but it's a truth none-the-less. Chad had the ability to get over me if he needed to. Realizing that makes my decision so much easier. I needed to talk to the Admiral. That is who I needed to meet with. It was better for everyone. If I could talk to the admiral my crew would stop their in-fighting. They'd be able to work together. The crew of the Heavenly Bodies would play an important role in what was to come.
"What are you talking about?"
"He's with Lucky."
It hits Katashi like a ton of bricks. It actually shocks him. I can see his mouth open a little bit in disbelief. This makes it clear that whatever Cassie knew was most likely her secret alone. If she would have told anyone else in the crew it would have been her best friend Katashi.
"He loves you..."
I shrug.
"Probably but I'm pretty sure he loves Lucky as well. The way my love is, I don't know if I can share. So I bow out. And now you see...he'll be fine. The Captain doesn't need me."
Katashi gives me a long stare.
"I need you."
I sigh a little bit, "Katashi..."
Katashi grabs my wrist, "No listen. I know you never took me seriously. I know you look at me as some young guy who doesn't know what love is. The first moment I saw you I loved you. And you fell in love with another man. I know that..."
"Stop."
"Selah."
"Stop. Listen I'm in love with the Captain."
"You just said he was in love with Lucky! You can just move on."
I think at that moment. Katashi was cute. He was handsome in his own way. His youth wasn't the real reason that I didn't want to be with him. I didn't want to be with him because of Chad. It was the simplest reason. It was the reason that I didn't want to be with Lucky. It was the reason that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. It's all because of Chad.
"When I was saved from space I realized a simple truth. There are some things in this universe that don't have an explanation. Some things that just happen. Some things that just are. Like the Upsetters. They don't have a backstory. There isn't any reason for them. They destroy. That's what they do. There is no reason for me to not be able to move on from Chad, but I can't. Just because it is so easy for him to move on doesn't mean it's the same for me," I explain to him.
I can tell it hurts Katashi. I just turned him down using the Upsetters as a simile. He seemed to have probably thought it out. Maybe it was some hope in him thinking that it would all make sense. Lucky and Chad could be together so me and Katashi would be together. Maybe he thought everyone needed to be paired up.
Happily ever after right?
The Universe didn't work that way.
The universe was meaningless chaos. That's what it was. I knew that now.
"I don't want to lose you...not again," he tells me, "Please stay with me. I can give you a reason not to give yourself over to the Admiral."
He is attempting to convince me. He puts his hands on my shoulder and I think he means it. I give him a smile and in my smile he sees that the only person that could convince me of something like that is Chad. That was the person I loved.
"If you love me you'll set up a meeting with the Admiral."
Katashi nods. He agrees. That's when I realize that Katashi wasn't just a little boy. He was a grown ass man and he was starting to realize that nothing was always so neatly packaged. Things happened in the Universe that didn't make sense but we were brought together for a reason. For a higher purpose. Just because we probably would never be able to comprehend the purpose of it all, doesn't mean that the purpose doesn't exist. It existed. It was out there...
It.
The big reason behind it all.
The reason the Upsetters chose to destroy the planet.
The reason the Familiars decided to save me.
The reason I had to meet with the Admiral.
That was it. That was the Purpose without understanding.
~
When the Admiral's men walk me to him I can see everyone. Rumor must have come out when Katashi let the Admiral know that I was still alive and wanted to turn myself in. The entire human population had somehow crowded on the corridor I was walking through. Crowds of people are standing there gasping at the idea that I'm alive. I was as well. It's a big deal. They are scared. I can tell. They probably have all the reason in the world to be scared really.
"Selah!"
Someone breaks through the crowd of people!
A girl screams as the person rushes past her. A boy is knocked over. The person swings at one of the guards who is walking me down the hall. He hits them in their face. The guard is knocked out immediately. The others spring to attention. I realize before long who it is. It's Chad.
He isn't alone either. Lucky is right by his side. It's no doubt Lucky talked him into doing this. I push Chad off the security guard who he starts wrestling with a second later.
"Stop it."
"I'm not going to let you turn yourself in," he tells me, "He'll kill you."
"This is important Chad," I tell him.
"You are in important."
"Not as important as humanity."
"To me you are..."
I look at Chad. Maybe a part of him means it. Then I see his bruised knuckles. Even now Lucky is fighting by his side. They are risking being severely punished just for a few moments to speak with me. Chad feels guilty. The guilt is written all over his face. There is a panic that the last time we speak could have been some horrible argument like we had before. I think this is what really gets to Chad. I understand his motivation but then I see Lucky who has tackled another guard to keep him away from us.
Lucky would be punished too when the Admiral heard about this. Yet Lucky doesn't say a single word to me. He's not doing this for me at all. Lucky isn't in love with me. He's doing this for Chad. I can tell.
I shake my head when I come to that realization.
"I don't want to be with you Chad," I tell him.
Chad is shocked when I say that. Lucky is as well. Lucky seems so shocked that the guard is able to wrestle him into submission. I walk away from Chad willingly at that moment before this situation escalates any further because of me.
I walk away to silence.
It's clear I've hurt him.
~
The Admiral doesn't have me brought to a holding cell. He doesn't have me brought anywhere. He sits me in his office and doesn't come in for several hours. When he does come in he just stares at me as though I am a ghost or something like that. He is usually cool but right now I can tell he's nervous.
"What are you?"
That is his first question. It's a dumb one.
"Human," I tell him.
"How are you alive?"
I don't answer.
He repeats himself, "How are you alive?"
"Are my friends OK?" I ask.
I'm thinking about Lucky and Chad. They were taken in. I have no doubt about that much after they caused that scene attempting to rescue me from handing myself in.
"They'll be fine. They were arrested."
"Both of them?"
"Yes. They attacked my guards. I arrested them. That's what happens. I'm doing this for the sake of mankind. You should know firsthand how far I'd go. So answer my question. How are you alive?"
"I was saved to do my part in helping mankind. You aren't the only one who is willing to go far. I know a way to find the location of the second Earth."
"Impossible."
"You are saying impossible to the person who you threw out into space and who came back alive. Do you really want to question what is possible or impossible, Admiral Lincoln?"
Admiral Lincoln thinks about it. I wonder if he is thinking about whether to order me thrown out of an airlock again. If he does think about it I'm glad he decides against it.
"Where is it? Where is the 2nd Earth?"
Maybe he was testing me at this moment. Maybe he honestly believed me. I'm not sure what it was.
"I don't know exactly."
"You're playing me."
"No. The aliens saved me. They brought me onto their space ship. It was all white lights. I could barely see them. See the Familiars look just like us. They don't have to steal our shapes. They are familiar to us. They told me I had to find you. They told me I had to give you a message. I don't know what it means. It's easier that way. Because I wouldn't be able to betray them and tell the wrong person. They thought I would tell the Upsetter. The Upsetter can change shapes, you know?"
"Familiars?"
"They call themselves Familiars. They said that way we knew they were here to help. They were aliens like the Upsetters. Only different. They want to help us."
"Where are they now?"
"They went away. My friend Jonathan was one of them. When he saved me he knew that he had been compromised, so he had to leave?"
"Just disappeared into thin air?"
"No. Into thin space in his invisible spaceship."
"Jesus Christ..."
"You don't have to understand it, Admiral. Not everything is meant to be understood. You have to believe me though. It's the same reason I guess the Upsetters want to destroy us. It's a reason we'd never understand. It's a reason beyond us. There is good and evil in the world. The good ones are Familiars."
He laughs, "Other aliens."
"They've been around us. Some don't even know they are aliens. Some discover it later in life. They've always been with us. Helping us find our way to the moon. Helping us build space shuttles. Helping us build space stations. Helping us build FTL drives. Helping our technology advance. Making sure that we had the necessary knowledge to escape Earth if we needed to. They knew the threat was coming."
"And these so-called Familiars. They saved you and told you where to the 2nd Earth was?"
"They encoded the message. They put it in my head. I can give it to you but I don't understand the message. They fear the Upsetter would intercept me. Only you can understand the message."
"I don't speak alien."
"Your wife did..."
"Excuse me?"
"Your wife taught you what the words meant a long time ago."
The Admiral swallows.
"You don't know anything about my wife."
"You met her on a beach. It was a cold winter's night," I explain, "You had gone out for a walk like you usually do but there was a storm. And you were so lost. Yet somehow there were some pebbles on the sands. The pebbles formed an arrow. An arrow leading you to safety. Pebbles that led right to your wife. She saved you from the storm. That's how you met her. That's how you fell in love."
The Admiral's mouth opens wide. Tears are falling down his face.
I see humanity in his eyes. This is the man who killed me and right now I realize this is the most important man in the world. This is the only man that matters. He's a monster and yet somehow I realize that he is a beautiful creature. I don't understand why the Upsetters chose him for their secret. They entrust the future of the human race to this man.
Looking at him now I can slightly understand why. He fell in love with a Familiar. He fell in love with an alien.
"How do you know that?"
"Your wife was a familiar. That's why the Upsetter killed her. Only Familiars can understand the language I need to give you," I explain, "Your wife taught you what a few words mean. They knew one day I would deliver this message to you and you would be the one to save humanity."
"Why me?"
"I know her nickname for you was Arrow. You thought it was because of that night with the arrows in the sand. It wasn't. She was saying that you would be the arrow that would lead humanity to the 2nd Earth."
He pauses.
He nods. I can tell in just a simple gesture that he believes. He finally believes. There is a silent understanding between us.
"I'm ready."
I lean forward. I grab a piece of paper. The symbols were drawn in my head a million times. A million times I've seen it. The Familiars burned it into my head. They were symbols that only he would understand. They were symbols only he would know what they meant.
When he sees them his eyes light up.
"I know where it is! I know what this means," he explains.
He's crying. It's not sad tears though. It's tears of hope. Tears of love. He knew what the future held. He knew how to lead humanity to safety. The gift that the Familiars gave him was understood. It was all clear to him now.
This man was our savoir.
He was our hope.
"I think my job is done," I state, "Am I still arrested?"
I am shocked when the Admiral lifts me up. He hugs me. He hugs me tighter than I've ever been hugged before...even from Chad.
"You don't realize you just saved mankind. How can I repay you?"
I laugh at the thought of repaying me. This wasn't about me. He could repay me by saving our asses. He could repay me by leading humanity into safety. I want to tell him all of those things but right now there is a bit of selfish desire inside of my heart.
"Actually I kind of did have a thought. I was hoping I can see my friend...the one you arrested? I want to see him one last time?"
"One last time?"
"The Upsetter is stalking me. He suspects I know the location of the 2nd Earth. He won't stop until he kills me."
The Admiral shakes his head, "You don't know the location of the 2nd Earth though. I do..."
"I want him to think I do."
The Admiral looks hard at me.
"You want to be a decoy?"
I nod.
"You are important now. You understand the message. As long as the Upsetter thinks it's me then things will be fine. I figure I can buy you some time if the Upsetter is trying to kill me."
"I can put guards at your door. I can protect you."
"It won't matter. Nothing can stop the Upsetter. Sooner or later it's going to devour me."
Jonathan had warned me about that. He had told me that if I returned to the Pioneer that the Upsetter would most likely devour me. It had been stalking me for some time. It would have killed me earlier if Katashi hadn't shown up. I didn't have much time on this Earth but at least I can buy humanity some time by sacrificing myself for the Admiral's secret.
"I'll take you to your friend," the Admiral states, "Did you want me to take you to Captain Kane?"
Chad. I smile at the thought...
"No...actually I was hoping to see Lucky."
~
I arrive in the room. He's sitting at the table. I stand there and look at him.
"Oh my god. You're alive," he tells me.
He runs over to me to hug me. I want to hug him back but I don't. I'm strong but not that strong. Hugging Lucky would make me think about him hugging Chad. I hated the thought of it. It was scary, to say the least.
"I'm fine," I state.
"Did he hurt you?" he asks me.
"No. No, he didn't. I wanted to talk to you," I tell Lucky, "I wanted to talk to you about Chad."
"Listen I wanted to tell you but---."
"I want to let you know that it's OK," I state at that moment, "I want you to take care of him. I want the two of you to be together."
"You're scaring me..."
"I'm telling you if I'm not around that I need you to take care of Chad," I explain.
"I'm not going to let anyone fucking touch you! You hear me! Not again!" Lucky tells me at that moment shaking his head dramatically.
"No. I'm not running away. It's pointless. I don't have much time," I tell him.
The Upsetter would find me. Sooner or later he would find me. But it's OK. I had done my part already. I had delivered the message. The Admiral was the important one now.
"You're going to die?"
"No. I mean yes...but it's not what you think," I state.
Lucky is emotional. I knew what he was thinking. He was scared I'd be thrown out into space again. He is angry almost immediately. It must be like deja vu for him. I want to explain to him that things are different. I want to explain that the Admiral wasn't the threat to my life but all of a sudden I hear sirens breaking out of no where.
"What the hell is that?"
Something is happening. Something major. Sirens never go off like that.
"Don't worry. I have a plan. I won't let him hurt you again?"
"Lucky what are you talking about?"
The entire space station loses power. The locked power doors shoot open. Everything goes blank. Lucky somehow has a flashlight. How the fuck did he have power to control the space station? At first I don't get it but then I remember. There was one person who the way to navigate to the main control room of the entire Pioneer ship.
It was Anne.
"What the fuck is going on?" I state.
"We have a plan?"
"We don't need a fucking plan Lucky. We are free to go."
He seems confused.
"What?"
"We are free to go Lucky."
"You mean to tell me that the Admiral isn't going to kill you?"
Jesus. He was so far off base.
"Lucky. No. What are you talking about? What is the fucking plan?" I ask as slow as possible in order to make things as clear as possible.
"We are doing what Captain Koopa couldn't do. We are taking over the space station."
"We?"
"The crew. No one wants to see you hurt again. Not even Idris. We won't allow it. If we take power away from the Admiral we can avoid that."
Fuck. No. No. No.
This wasn't good.
"The Admiral isn't our enemy."
"What are you talking about?"
I didn't have time to explain.
"Where are they?"
"They are going to the Admiral's quarters. They are taking over the Pioneer. I told you."
~
I don't have time to explain to Lucky. I just force him to lead me to where I find the others. It's pitch black in the Pioneer's main control room. People are standing around. There is silence save someone crying. When I see that it is Anne crying I know that something has gone terribly wrong.
That is when I see Chad.
His hands are bloody. They are fucking bloody.
I stutter into the darkness. The circle is tight. Idris, Katashi, Anne, Royce, Trucker and Chad stand close to one another. "What the fuck just happened?"
I look down at and I realize that the worst thing imaginable for the sake of humanity has just happened.
"I had to do it. I couldn't let him hurt you," Chad states, "Not again."
Chad killed the Admiral.
Chad killed our savior.
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