This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindof story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Michael Timothy Headly -- That's me! (Sometimes ... Ronny)
Spike -- (Diane, my big sister)
Mary -- My mom
Tom -- My father.
Gilbert Blank -- Friend from Woodland
Joey Gray -- Gilbert's "little brother"
Bobby Pepper -- New friend
Arlo Gates - Orienteer
Randy Samson -- Arlo's roomie
James Samson (Jay) -- Randy's adopted brother and ... My Twin! (Shawn)
Blair -- New Roomie (Todd is his friend from high school)
Jacky -- one of five brothers and a sister: Jared, Jed, Jimmy, Jock and Julie
Jody -- Dude from Hurricane Harbor
... From Chapter 26:
I wondered: Am I developing deeper feelings for Bobby than I realized ... or is it the usual sexual high that's making me feel this way?
I went home happy -- and later than I had planned. You'd think that with all we did at Bobby's, I'd just fall asleep, but ... it took another jerking to get me drowsy enough to fall asleep. I drifted off thinking of Bobby's ... cute ... face.
I woke up feeling guilty. I felt guilty and terribly melancholy as I realized that I had not even thought about Jay before going to sleep. And ... I felt even guiltier that Bobby was all I felt like I wanted. No! I still WANT Jay ... but last night, something changed.
Chapter 27
I think I'm coming to accept it. Revise that: I am worried that I'm coming to accept it. I don't like it ... not being in control of my life! A year ago I didn't even know I was adopted, much less that I had a brother ... a twin no less ... a GAY twin! I am in love with him and he is in love with me. How serendipitous! But the joke seems to be on ... both of us!
Bobby is so sweet! And I am getting more and more attached to him. I'm not sure about moving in with him. It's only a couple weeks from the wedding until fall semester at Northwestern. Maybe a couple weeks would be more like a vacation with a friend ... than actually moving in together. It'd be fun! And ... omigosh! We'd probably spend most of our free time in bed! Bobby is not only cute ... he's ... hot and ... makes my tummy turn somersaults! It's kind of ... sexually high ... or something, being with a guy taller than I am. And with my swimmer's physique, I have more fat than he does. Um ... revise that too ... he has no fat! Tall and skinny and ... sinewy!
Last night I wondered if it was the sex that made me think I was falling for Bobby. Now I'm even less sure. The glow of the sex is gone. Even with all my present angst , I still feel like ... I ... (is love the word?) well, anyway ... I am falling for him more and more each day.
"Dad, I'm really having a struggle!" I said in my pathetic quandary.
"I can't imagine what it would be like to be gay, Michael. I wish you didn't have to deal with it."
"Thanks. I have a question. Please think about it before answering. Um -- well -- do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time?"
"I love your mother, you and Diane ... all more than life itself."
"I mean -- like -- romantic love. Can you love two at the same time?"
"Your uncle Jim still loves your Aunt Frieda -- I know -- but he also loves Aunty Ethyl."
"Well, yeah, but -- Aunt Frieda died." I said.
"Yes, but he didn't stop loving her because she died."
"Dad -- I'm totally in love with my brother. Is that bad?"
"I've given up trying to make sense of that situation. I mean -- what difference does it make if you're brothers -- if your gay? Laws were passed that siblings shouldn't marry ... to prevent idiot offspring. That can't happen with two brothers. I heard of a twin sister and brother becoming a couple. They couldn't marry legally at that time -- maybe they still can't, I dunno. But if one of them gets fixed ... I don't see what difference that - "
"That's not my problem, dad. I know Jay loves me too. But he may not ever want to ... be with me like that."
"Oh!" Said dad, looking mildly surprised. "I kind of figured that you'd already gone past that point."
"We -- Dad -- we -- um -- we have um -- fooled around some -- if that's what your talking about. But -- we haven't had ... you know ... full sex." At that dad's eyebrows raised slightly. "But that's not quite what I'm talking about. He may get married -- to a girl when he returns from Australia. And we could never be a couple." I barely got that out before my eyes started to well up.
"Ohhh. And -- you still love him ... of course! But you are starting to have those feelings for Bobby now?"
"YES! I just feel so guilty ... or something ... when I still have feelings -- love -- for Jay -- to also be feeling that way about Bobby."
"Well, you're only 19 and isn't Bobby ... 18? You have plenty of time. You still have 3 years at Northwestern. Would he go back there to school?"
"No ... but ... he asked me to spend the rest of the summer with him in San Jose."
"Oh!" Said dad. "That sounds to me like a recipe for ... well -- hrmph! I probably would have liked to spend a few week of summer with a girl when I was just out of high school, too! Do you think -- um -- that either of you is ready for that?"
"I know I'd be ready if it was Jay!" I said, almost impudently.
Dad took a deep breath, then exhaled it between his palms. "You both are adults, Son. Sometimes you have to make adult decisions and they might hurt you later. I wouldn't advise you to move in with anyone at this time, but it's one way we grow - by taking risks and getting hurt. It's totally your decision. Have you already told him that you would?"
"No. I told him after the wedding I'll give him my decision."
"It sounds like you already have a good handle on it."
"Well -- I mostly wanted to know if it was possible to -- love two at the same time. I g-guess it is."
"I don't envy you, Michael. I really don't. Have you talked this over with Jay?"
"He told me not to wait." I said, getting choked up again.
"I see. Well, then, I guess that it's none of his business." Said Dad, not exactly sarcastically.
"I'll probably mention it to him when he's out here for the wedding."
"Hmm -- yeah-m." He said. I know that tone. It was as if he were saying ... "You may want to rethink that."
"Well, anyway -- thanks for talking to me, Dad."
"I don't know if I helped you much."
"You did! That part about Uncle Jim -- that helped -- a lot!"
Bobby moved his stuff down using his dad's Escalade. He came back up Friday night. "Mikey -- you should see this place! It's amazing! It's a lot better than I thought it'd be. There's a swimming pool and a hot tub right outside our door, and barbecue islands on the other side of the pool. It's perfect!"
"Sounds nice." I said. "Randy and Diane are gonna be married next Saturday!"
"I know! Um -- I want to give you some reason to want to come down for the rest of the summer. Let's drive down to my new place tonight. We can come back tomorrow if you want."
"Um -- okay -- but -- um -- why not just stay for the weekend?" I said.
Bobby's eyes about popped out. "Really??!! You like to do that?"
"Why not?" I said.
He followed me into my room. I grabbed some shorts and a swim suit and several tee shirts, then said, "Um -- let's go by Castro on the way."
"You mean San Francisco?"
"Uh-huh."
"Sure!" he said, "Why not?"
We parked on Castro Street and as soon as we were in sight of the youth bar, we saw Joey Gray. He was standing outside talking to an older guy and when he saw us he disappeared before we got there. As we turned to enter the bar, Joey was pulling Gilbert from deeper inside.
"See ... See Gilly! They're here!" He said gleefully. Joey was still Joey, but he looked several years older -- even though it had been only a year. He had grown at least 4 inches! I guess he was growing into his foot -- or I should say his 12 inches! His jeans were still tight and ragged -- and maybe a couple sizes too small, but on him they looked good -- and his long snake was visible, seemingly edging its way under the denim, toward his knee.
Gil walked to me and straightway took me in his arms. "I wondered if I'd ever see you again! Joey and me drove into a lake and both our phones were ruined -- so I lost your number. I went up to your place but your dad said you were in Cincinnati -- or somewhere?"
"Chicago. It's great to see you, too. I've actually been down here a couple times hoping to see you!"
"Hey -- what're you guys doing for the weekend?" Asked Bobby.
"Just hangin' out." Said Joey.
"No -- that'd be YOU if you wore shorts!" teased Gilbert. Joey grinned at him.
"You wanna come spend some time with Mike and me -- at my new place in San Jose?"
I was stunned. He didn't so much as ask me or ... well -- it is his place, isn't it? He can ask anyone he wants. Still, I really was stunned. I guess I completely misjudged Bobby.
Both Joey and Gilbert broke into grins and eagerly agreed.
Feeling very uncomfortable, I said, "So -- um -- what -- what -- what happened to your truck, Gilbert?"
"Um -- what? Oh! you mean when we got swamped? Not much. It took a couple days for the carpets to dry, but since we were pulled out immediately, no real damage occurred."
"Ah -- I see -- um -- hmph."
"So what have you two been up to, anyway? I am kind of surprised to see the two of you together. Last time I saw Bobby, he was still kind of with that big guy ... um -- Greg or something? I got the idea that he didn't like anyone -- um -- well, that he was kind of jealous of Bobby being with anyone else."
"Good memory." Said Bobby sadly. "No -- he's gone."
"Well, if you miss him -- I'm sorry to hear that." Said Gilbert. "I didn't mean anything by it. I just - "
"No -- I meant he's gone like ... dead."
Both of our Woodland friends' mouths dropped open. "What happened?" Asked Joey.
"He fell ... or was pushed off a cliff up near Red Bluff -- into the American River." Said Bobby. He didn't mention that it could have been suicide.
"Oh -- KEE-rap!" Said Gilbert. "Who would do that?"
"His father was with him. He claims it was an accident."
"And you think his father did it ... why, because he's gay?"
"I -- um -- guess." Said Bobby, becoming more agitated.
"That really sucks!" Said Gilbert. "Could it have been Sui - "
"IT WASN'T SUICIDE!" screamed Bobby, attracting the attention of several others who were standing outside the bar with us. He looked around and lowered his voice, "It -- it -- I mean -- he wasn't -- wasn't -- that is -- we were happy the way we were -- he wouldn't have done that!"
"I'm sorry, Bob. I really am sorry. It's obvious that you love him still."
"I -- um -- I'm getting over it -- I think." Said Bobby, tears now rolling down his cheeks. "Mike has helped a lot. He and I -- um - " Bobby looked at me, then continued, "We're kind of a -- a -- couple now."
This night was full of surprises -- for me.
"That's -- probably a good thing." Said Gilbert. Actually Joey and me ain't been down here to Castro for a long time. We just kind of came for ... old times sake, I guess. After you left for Chicago, we hit this place almost every weekend, for awhile, just to get fucked. But we talked about it and decided that it wasn't really making us very happy."
"So -- um -- what now?" Asked Bobby.
"Well -- we just like hanging out -- you know like brothers do. When we have come down here -- since about new years -- we watch each other. I make sure that Joey stays legal -- you know - no one over 18."
"And I make sure he don't fuck no dogs!" Grinned Joey.
"Um -- maybe we can go back to your place now -- where is that?"
"San Jose."
"Yeah -- San Jose. This place is feeling kind of grungy to me now -- like a meat market or sumpthin'." Said Gilbert. At my curious look, he continued. "We kinda cleaned up our act. That guy that gave me the truck -- he has invited us to his place several times -- both here in Frisco and up in Eureka. Funny how bein' around nice stuff makes you want to be more -- um -- civilized er sumthin'.."
Gilbert saw Joey looking hungrily at Bobby. "Suck it up, big guy! He's out of your reach now. You're 18 now, ain't cha, Bob?" Said Gilbert. Even having grown a couple inches, Joey still really was not big ... well except for that one part of him ... that hung nearly down to his knees.
"Aww, Gilly! This is different. It isn't as if I haven't been with him before!" Whined Joey. I guess some things don't change. Well, he still is only seventeen, isn't he? ... (not a grown up 19-year-old like me!)
"Hey, I keep you safe ... and other guys like me from landing in prison! You know your dad would jump at any opportunity to bilk a rich guy like Bobby of all he owns!"
"My dad!? Are you talking about my sperm donor or that son-of-a-bitch that my mom lets live with us right now?"
I could see that Bobby was visibly shaken by that exchange as well, but couldn't tell where his head was. After some nice snacks and some fun discussion of our camping trip last year, it was obvious that what ... some ... maybe ... were looking forward to -- wasn't going to happen. Bobby awkwardly asked if the guys wanted to stay over, and Gilbert awkwardly said they should be getting back to Woodland.
"You're awfully quiet tonight." Said Bobby to me after Gilbert and Joey left.
"What was all that about?" I asked coolly.
"What ... what was what about?"
"Why did you ask them back here tonight?"
"Because! Um -- I thought you'd want me to." He said, like a trapped little boy.
"Why? I don't get it." I said. "I thought -- I figured -- I mean, well, I guess maybe I shouldn't make assumptions either!"
"What -- what -- assumptions did you make?"
"Let's just say that ... I didn't think you only wanted to bring me down here to just show me your place. I thought -- but -- well, obviously I was wrong!"
"Wrong ... about what?" Asked Bobby. I could see he was in turmoil and I didn't give an inch. Part of me felt badly, but another part was pissed.
"Well?!! Was I wrong? Did you invite me here this weekend just to show me your new place?"
"NO! I -- I mean -- I wanted to -- um -- get you alone and - "
"And then you saw an opportunity to involve two more in our aloneness? What's up with that?"
"Mikey!" He cried, "I thought it was what you wanted!"
"You thought I'd want to have a foursome with - with -- I mean -- or maybe you just wanted to swap partners. Did you want to play with Joey's ... Joey's ... horse dick ... that much -- once you saw him?"
"Mikey -- I thought the only reason you wanted to go to Castro was the possibility that we might find Joey and Gilbert there. And we did! Isn't that what you were hoping for?"
He was looking down at me, obviously trying to make some sense of what he'd done ... or maybe figure our WHAT he'd done. I melted. "I -- no! I only wanted to go to a place where we were surrounded by other guys -- that -- understand how we feel. My family loves me. I'm getting to know my new clients I work for, and they are pretty nice too. But no one -- besides you -- I mean -- I don't feel like I can be ME around anyone else. THAT'S why I wanted to stop by Castro ..."
"Oh." He said, remorsefully, staring at something on the floor.
I softened my tone. "Bobby -- why did you invite them back here?"
He looked back into my face. Tears were running down his face. "I'm sorry. I Really thought it's what you wanted. I feel like I'm losing you ... and yet I never really had you! I guess I was desperate -- to please you. It was stupid."
"I -- I -- guess I understand. If you like me so much - "
"NO! You DON'T understand! I don't just LIKE you! I LOVE you Mikey! I need -- no! YES! I do! I NEED you -- right now ... but -- more than that ... I love you!"
He was looking from one eye to the other ... hoping to find some spark of something in me -- and -- he found it. I smiled. "Well, why didn't you just tell me?" I said.
I made a decision at that moment. Jay will always be my brother -- my soul mate. But he's never going to be my lover ... is he?! And -- didn't I already admit to myself that I was having strong feelings for Bobby?
"I thought I had. I told you last time we -- were together that -- I loved you."
"You told me that you loved -- being with me."
"I guess you're right." He said. "I wanted to say I love you -- I relived that moment over and over after I left your place. Why couldn't I just have said it?!"
"Bobby -- it's because you were afraid of my reaction. I'm sorry. I have a hard time saying it too. I mean -- it's easy to say it to my brother. He's my brother! But saying it to you ... means something else."
"Does it? Does it really?" Bobby asked. "I mean -- when you tell Jay you love him -- is it only brotherly love?"
"No. But that makes it easier to say. It just seems like there's a commitment that goes with it when you say it to someone that's not your family ... or something,"
"So -- you're not ready to say it to me?" He said, looking totally vulnerable.
It was my turn to look into his eyes, from one to the other, trying to work up a ... trust ... or something. (Gosh, being a teenager is exasperating!) "Bobby -- I love you. I do. Whatever that means -- it's how I feel. It's hard to say -- harder than the first time I had to tell myself `I'm gay.' But I have to say it. I love you." And I stood up on my tiptoes and closed my eyes.
Bobby gulped, then sobbed and then kissed me ... tenderly at first, but as we got into it, he kissed me passionately and then picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. We lay down on top of the covers, fully clothed, and made out for a long time. Finally, I said, "Boy -- THAT was hard!" I giggled and then added, "But I'm glad we're here and we got through it!"
"Me too!" He said, seriously. Then he said, "And apparently something ELSE is hard!" He of course was referring to the hard rod inside my jeans. We wildly tore off each other's clothes, pulled back the sheets and then made out for another long time, our nude bodies -- and minds -- responding to the intense stimulation that only skin on skin can do.
Bobby did his magic on my genitals, bringing me almost maddeningly ... slowly ... to the brink of orgasm -- then pulling back a notch. I was begging him to make me cum by the time it was too late. His finger thumping my prostate, he bobbed like a piston on me while I whined then screamed out in ecstasy, loading up his mouth and throat with my love serum.
I was still breathing deeply and raggedly as I asked him, "I think I am ready -- if you want -- would you get off ... inside me?"
He looked deeply into my eyes and I saw it. Love and trust! "Are you sure?" He said.
"Yes!" I said enthusiastically.
"The first time can hurt. It isn't like a little finger in there ... even though I'm not THAT much bigger than a finger!" he giggled.
"I -- um -- think -- um -- yes! I want it!" I said. "Make love to me ... please ... " I paused to again look deeply into his eyes ... and hopefully let him look deeply into my soul, " ... now!"
He worked me with his fingers to loosen and open me up. He put my legs over his shoulders, kissed me deeply and put the tip of his dick to my -- again tightly closed sphincter.
Then he said, "Mikey -- I think we should wait."
"WHAT!!??" I exclaimed.
"Please -- just suck me off and let's not do this now." He said calmly.
"I -- I -- I don't understand." I stuttered.
"Neither do I. It just ... all of a sudden ... it felt ... not right."
I wanted this so much! I have waited so long! I wonder what could be wrong! "But -- but -- you have been almost begging me -- to -- to -- do that!"
"I've been -- I know! Actually I've been begging you to make love to me! You ... in ... me! Somehow when I got ready ... I couldn't do it."
"But -- why ... why?" I said, quickly losing anything of the sexual feeling that I had.
It was a ridiculous scene, really. I was on my back, my legs still over his shoulders, my dick hanging slack over my lower abdomen. He was hovering over me, ready for ... nothing ... because he too had lost his wood!
"I -- I'm sorry, Mikey! I just looked into your eyes and saw -- something very unsure about what you were about to do and ... of course some fear. I just couldn't ... not this way. I might have been able to let you - do -- me -- but -- I dunno -- the last thing in the world I wanted to do was disappoint you! I LOVE you!"
"Maybe you love me enough ... to not want to hurt me." I said quietly.
"THAT'S IT!" He said, rolling off me.
"I'm still not quite sure what happened there." I said.
"We have the rest of the weekend, Mikey. We can take this up later, if you want. But ... I think ... I think ... we should wait until -- after next week."
"Wow." I said, blinking.
"Yeah. After next week maybe you can be clear away from your brother -- and then we both may feel better about this step -- if that makes any sense. And I guess, we can get some sleep ... now?"
I pulled him close. "I think I love you more than ever now!" I said. "And you better NOT go to sleep without giving me some of your man juice! I deserve it now ... not later!" I kissed him deeply and of course he kissed me back.. We really didn't sleep much that night. We played, loved, sucked showered about 3 times, and played some more. What we didn't do was ... fuck ... because Bobby wanted me to be sure. Gotta love that boy!
The weekend was a whirlwind for us. We went to the beach, to Great America, got far enough away from the sex that I was certian it was not "afterglow" that was making me feel this steady love growing ever stronger. Bobby is so cute in so many ways, and ... so manly at the same time. He really is too skinny to play football, but he had been on the team, and he was 2 inches taller than I was.
By Sunday afternoon, I was really craving making us one in that way that nothing else can compare with. I begged Bobby at least every night, but now it was HE that was strong. What changed? I dunno ... except that I felt like I was falling in love with him more and more and he said he loved me enough to not give me what I thought I wanted. In a way it was maddening, at the very least, frustrating, but mostly it just made me love him more! I went home from San Jose a very happy boy ... except not quite satisfied in that one certain way.
Monday morning I awoke to get ready for work ... as usual. I thought about the week ahead of me. Friday would be the wedding rehearsal, and the rehearsal dinner, followed by somewhat of a bachelor party for my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Randy didn't drink, and neither did Jay -- or even Diane for that matter -- so we couldn't try to get him all "drunked-up" ... which most grooms friends do the night before their weddings.
Jay was his best man, but since he was in Chicago, and they were marrying in my parents church, in deference to them, and I was here ... I was the "de-facto" best man, making all the arrangements that the best man is responsible for. It was not all THAT much, but I had to order tux's for myself, both dads, Jay and Randy. Jay was stressed out over all HIS plans for traveling to Australia, plus all of the last minute things he had to do to be ready for his mission ... so he begged me to compose a toast for him to say at the reception, and asked me to do one at the rehearsal dinner.
I was also delegated to pick everyone up at the airport Thursday night. After all that was over, then I had to look forward to Jay's departure the very next Tuesday for Provo, Utah to the missionary training center.
I saw Bobby Monday night, but we had no opportunity for anything more than a short make out session. Bobby gave me his class ring and asked me to go with him. "You -- you want me to go with you? You mean like ... go steady?"
"I don't know how the real queers are supposed to do it, Mikey! All I know is I want you ... only you. Just hold on to the ring until you decide."
"Until I decide??!!" I exclaimed. "I have already decided. The answer is YES!! I was feeling down this morning ... not sure where my life was headed. Now I feel like I'm flying! Oh Crap! I wanna -- but -- we can't -- not now! But as soon as we can get together, we are GOING to consummate this commitment! Right?"
"Yes ... Mikey ... YESSS!"
Tuesday night I stayed up late, happily making arrangements and composing toasts.
Wednesday ... the bomb ... dropped.
"Mike," Started Bobby soberly. He had come over to tell me his news in person. He had tears in his eyes even before he started. "Mikey -- Babe -- They've found Gary."
"Oh -- wow!" I said. "Geez -- I'm so sorry ... um ... did they have to do a DNA test to identify the body?"
"No. Mikey -- he's alive -- barely. Well, he's as healthy as he could be under the circumstances. But he lost his memory and also ... his legs ... or the use of them. They're both paralyzed. He has been in -- first a hospital and then a convalescent home for most of this time. He was found naked and barely alive by a fisherman, and taken to a hospital where they kept him alive and got him well enough to go to the convalescent home.
"Mike -- he's remembering. His memory's coming back. He asked for me. I went up to see him. He asked that I not contact his parents. He will be staying in the convalescent home for some time longer. I was the only one he contacted. He's still confused ... isn't sure what happened. I talked to the doctors there and they said not to suggest anything to him -- as to the controversy about his possible father's role in his accident. He needs to remember it all himself and now that his memory is returning -- they feel he will remember it all -- eventually. They're working with the police to get to the bottom of this."
"Oh my gosh1" I said. "That's incredible! Is there anything I can do?"
"He doesn't want anyone else to know, really. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone ... not even you. Actually, he doesn't remember you ... yet. I -- haven't told him about ... us ... and ... I'm ... not going to."
When he said that, he stared into my eyes for some recognition of what he just had just said. It hit me like a four-by-four in the face. "You -- you're going to - - I mean -- you're breaking up with me -- aren't you?" I said, woodenly.
"I'm sorry Mike! I'm so sorry! He ... Gary needs me. I never stopped loving him -- of course, - but I thought he was dead. And now -- he needs me to nurse him back to health and after that to -- take care of him. I'm so sorry!"
I smiled -- fighting bitter tears -- trying to not make it any harder for him that it already was. I knew the score. I'd like to tell him ... "We'll keep in touch," and all that but I really don't like Gary that much and ... he doesn't like me either -- especially when it comes to Bobby. I'd always be a threat ... especially in the shape he's in now.
We sat in silence for a long time. Only last night I was begging him to consummate our relationship. I felt foolish and alone. After too long a time, he squeezed my arm and kissed my cheek. I grabbed him and kissed his mouth. He responded and then said, "See yah around, Mikey!" I took off his ring and gave it to him. Then he got up and walked slowly to his Corvette ... as if a huge weight had been lifted from him and ... left him with no strength.
He turned the key, racked the pipes and slowly pulled away from the curb. I stood, turned around and went into the house. I didn't float, but don't know how I got into my room without anyone asking me what happened. I lay on my bed for what seemed like an eternity, trying to adjust to what just happened.
I felt empty and scalded inside. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I tried to think about my brother and Randy and his family. It was a mixed feeling of sweetness at seeing and embracing them and the absurdity of my life as it is now. When the tears came, I was too tired to care. I don't remember how long it was, or when I went to sleep.
In the morning, I woke up ... surprisingly ... feeling happy. I knew that I'd see my brother and everyone again before noon, and I know that was what it was holding me up. There were a few moments that I didn't think about Bobby ... but somehow, the thoughts were not as bad as I thought they would be. It was a ...bittersweet ... feeling.
Dad took my mom's car to work, so I could have the big car. It had to carry me, Diane, Randy, Jay, and their parents. It would be a challenge but I figured we'd make it work. At the last minute, Diane said, "This is crazy! I'm driving to pick up my man! You get everyone else!"
I followed Diane to the Sacramento Airport. During the 40 minute drive she had time to think. I followed her into the newly opened parking garage, which has a bunch of artistic pieces all over it made to look like giant kites in the shapes of whimsical airplanes. I parked close to her and she threw me the keys to her little 2-door Toyota Tercel. "I changed my mind, Baby." She said. She only calls me that when she's feeling particularly happy and at the same time particularly loving toward me. "You take my car ... with your brother!"
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Let me think a minute, M-T head ... ummm -- yes! I'm sure! Gimme the keys to the Buick. I'll take the in-laws."
"Diane ... you don't have to do that!" I protested.
"YES! I DO!" She said firmly. "And besides, I want to make the best impression on my future in-laws."
With the post 9-11 security, we had to wait for them in the luggage department. It also has a cute theme. The very high ceilings are supported by columns, camouflaged to look like old fashioned luggage carts, piled high ... to the at least 30 foot high ceiling -- with various kings of luggage.
I headed straight to the bathroom. First of all, I needed to go ... and secondly, I wanted to check out how I looked. My hair was now almost shoulder length in back, but I had it cut shorter on top, so I could spike it a little ... but more have that "just-got-out-of-bed-and-used-an-egg-beater-to-arrange-it" look. It looks a little punky, but with the tight stretch jeans and ribbed tee, it was working for me ... as evidenced by all the girls ... AND GUYS ... checking me out! I had flip flops on my feet.
I got out of the restroom just in time to see them coming down the escalator. Randy was standing on the stair just above Jay -- with his hand on Jay's shoulder. Randy looked stunning, in his dark glasses and ... he had stylishly long hair too. He looked like a California boy all the way, dressed in khaki cargo pants with a red plaid shirt tucked neatly into them, the pant waist slightly bunched, highlighting his already slim form.
Jay smiled almost demurely when he saw me. He looked ... younger! His hair was cut close to his head and he had it parted on the side ... like so many pictures I'd seen of kids in the 1950's. He looked good enough to eat. (And E-GAD I wanted to eat him!) I felt every muscle tense as they got closer to the ground floor. I hoped that he would run to me, when he got there, but he stayed with Randy, guiding him through the myriad of others that just alit from planes.
When they did get to us, Randy reached out, knowing that Diane would be there. She was! They hugged closely, but not any closer than Jay and me. He snuggled his face into my neck, and breathed in my essence ... and some of my longish hair. He hugged me even closer, as I felt wetness on my neck.
Then he pried himself away ... a half moment before it might have been considered a spectacle ... and looked into my eyes. He smiled sheepishly. "Like my missionary Haircut?" He quipped.
"It's cute!" I said. You look like a little lid. You look ... umm - "
" ... Innocent?" said Randy. "That's what he's SUPPOSED to look like! He got his hair cut for his missionary farewell last Sunday." Randy hugged me and when Diane went to hug her new brother-in-law-to-be, Jay shook her hand instead.
At her hurt look he said, "I'm already set apart for my mission. I'm not allowed to hug pretty girls."
"Oh!" Said Diane. "Only the ugly ones, huh?"
Randy explained, "Once set apart, the missionaries cannot hug or even be in the company of a girl by himself. It's part of the mission rules. Too much temptation."
Jay was dressed in a plaid shirt too, with Levis and sockless Vans. We looked less like twins than we ever had!
We all said our hellos to the older folks and Jay and his dad picked up the luggage from the carousel.
"You'll all be coming with me." Said Diane to her future in-laws. "Jay's riding with my brother."
She led them across the street to the terminal, with Jay and me trailing them by 50 feet. He clung to my hand as if HE were the one who was blind.
By ourselves in the car ... we both became suddenly shy. I said, "So -- you're going straight to the missionary training place from here?"
"Yes."
"I guess it's pretty cold `down under' right now." I added.
"Yeah -- `guess so."
"You -- um -- you didn't bring enough clothes for two years." I observed.
"We shipped most of it to my aunt's house in Orem. That's right next to Provo. We'll buy a lot of it after we get to Provo, before checking in to the MTC."
"MTC?"
"Missionary Training Center. Also, I'll know more what I need once I get to Melbourne."
We were both thankful for something to talk about. But then it got quiet again. "Um -- what other kind of mission rules do you have?"
"I guess there are rules set by the mission presidents in each area, but there is a set bed time. Every set of missionaries has to be back in their home by 9:30 every night, and lights out by 10:30. Swimming isn't allowed anywhere. We have one p-day -- er -- that's preparation day -- when we wash clothes and shop -- stuff like that -- each week. Most missionaries get together with other missionaries and play basketball or find some time to goof around on p-day.
"Basically it's a day to act more -- um -- normal. We aren't supposed to wear missionary clothes even, because that identifies us as missionaries ... when we are acting more like -- well -- not missionaries! The rest of the time, we have to wear our white shirt and tie .. and suit in most places. I have heard some places in Oz -- the outback for example -- we may be allowed to wear jeans, and a short sleeved white shirt. But even then, we still have to wear a tie."
"Hm. Can I write to you?"
"Sure. Write ... email ... but some places email is restricted, and some places even letters have to be sent through the mission."
"What?!!" I exclaimed. "Do they sensor your mail?"
"No -- but some areas don't have regular mail so the mission carries it themselves." There was another pause. He then said, "Mikey -- I have a request -- actually a big favor -- to ask."
"Anything ... for you." I said easily.
"Will you go to the MTC with us? It's supposed to be only family that go, but ... I mean -- AND -- I can't think of anyone closer family than ... you. Please say yes."
"I already did." I said, finding his hand and squeezing it.
The wedding went off without a hitch. Everything I planned went like clock work. The morning before the rehearsal, I went to the barber. I got my hair cut as much like Jay's as possible and parted it on the side. When we walked into the church together, there was an audible exclamation as everyone lay eyes on us. We were twins again!
Both dads were at the bachelor party. Jay asked me to ask some of my friends, so I asked Bobby and a couple other friends that I hadn't seen since high school. We also invited Gilbert and Joey. Joey was pretty young and ... immature ... but no one seemed to care. I did notice that Jay's eyes kept straying to the long piece of meat snaking its way toward his knee under his tight-ish chinos.
"Do you know that kid -- Gilbert's brother or something?" Jay finally asked me.
I explained that they were next door neighbors and that they kind of look out of each other.
"Um -- is that -- um -- thing -- in his pants ... real? I mean -- do you know?"
"I do. It is."
"Geez! I'm glad it's not mine!" he said, rubbing his own, pushing it down. " - but still - - " He swallowed hard.
"I guess being set apart -- is that what it's called?" He nodded. "I guess that doesn't make you immune to -- um -- sexual things, huh?"
"Holy crap no!" He said, surprising me. "What kind of a challenge would it be if there was no temptation?"
"I gotta pee!" I said, feeling some of the beer that I had consumed. I usually don't drink, but Dad made sure there was beer there for those who weren't tee-totalers. I only had a couple, but they went right through me.
I did an about face and made a bee line for the bathroom. I almost fell when I turned, not realizing just how tipsy I really was. Jay grabbed my arm. "Looks like you need some assistance." He steered me into the bathroom and closed the door behind us.
Once in the bathroom, Jay picked up a magazine that was on the short table opposite the toilet. I stood there and gawked. "I thought you had to pee." He said.
"Oh -- yeah!" I turned and relieved my bladder. When I had washed my hands and dried them, he was still looking at the magazine. "Whatcha looking at so intently?" I asked.
"Hm? Oh! Nothing. Just trying not to get -- um -- well -- I didn't want to watch you!"
I turned and stepped up close to him. I pulled him into a close hug. I kissed his lips. He kissed me back with every bit as much passion as ever. "And when you are tempted -- and give in -- what happens?' I asked.
"I don't intent to find out. I don't intend on that happening again, either." He turned and walked out the door.
I followed.
At the wedding, we both wore black tuxes with black ties -- like everyone else in the wedding party -- except Randy had a white tie and a white Stephanotis sprig in his lapel, whereas everyone else had a red rose bud. So it was impossible for most to tell Jay and me apart. Even our mom's looked puzzled.
As we waited by the altar of the church for Dad to walk Diane down the aisle, we smirked, as, just before they reached the front, Randy walked carefully walked down and received his bride. While his back was turned, Jay and I switched places. Everyone in the church saw is and a titter went over the congregation.
When they came up and took their places between the male and female attendants, the minister started to say something.
"Excuse me." Said Randy. He sniffed the air and then walked in front of us, grabbing both of us by the front of our shirts and switching us back. Everyone in the church roared!
When the ceremony was over and all the kisses and photos were taking, no one knew at the lead table that it was I who delivered the best man's toast ... not even Randy! He hugged me -- thinking I was his brother -- and I guess the smell of the food threw him off our scents. Then Jay and I hugged close and spun around twice -- or so everyone thought -- and he ended up next to his brother again. One little girl at the first table closest to us -- kept giggling. She knew!
When the reception was over, the bride drove the two newlyweds off into the sunset and everyone else came back and cleaned up the room and when we were finished, everyone walked out leaving just Jay and me. Our patent leather shoes made a hollow sound as we walked around turning off lights. In the soft glow of the one night light left, we looked at each other -- up and down -- and I extended my hand.
He came to me and we embraced again, even closer than we had in the bathroom the night before, and kissed even deeper. When we stopped the kiss, he hugged me close and sighed deeply. He turned and walked out the door.
I followed.
I could not have any idea what he must have been feeling as I kept tempting him and he kept giving in to me. All I know is that I understand. I was always a pushover for a hug and a kiss. So was my twin -- at least with me. Somehow it never seems wrong to hug a brother. And we did that frequently ... but when no one was looking ... I am a little ashamed to say that I took advantage ... of my ... advantage ...
We watched as his family and mine and all the rest drove off toward their destinations. "Thank you." He said.
"For what?"
"For loving me ... for giving me just enough to keep me humble. I am weak, Mikey and I want you to know I don't hold you in the least responsible to keep my standard. That's for me to do. And believe it or not, you're helping."
"I am?" I said. "Pleased I could be of service!"
"Seriously. We've done nothing that I can't repent of. And when I enter the mission, I will have to report every breach to my superior."
"Oh Jay, I don't want to - " I started.
"No -- it's okay. You're doing your part to make me strong! I love you more than life itself. If I can hold the line with you -- then I should not have any problem with anyone while on my mission."
He loves me more than life itself. And yet he is leaving me -- with intentions of never being ... mine. I felt like exploding and imploding all at the same time. It filled me with inexplicable joy when he said he loves me more than life itself ... and inexplicable agony at the realization that in two days -- three if I go to Provo with him to the MTC -- he will walk out of my life ... out a door ...
... where I cannot follow.
When we arrived at the MTC, there were teems of young men ... most 19 years old like us -- all dressed in traveling clothes and lugging large combinations of baggage.
Earlier, we had gone to his aunt's house and picked up his stuff, and they all decided to come to the going away ceremony at the MTC with us. And as you might guess, they all walked out of the house before us ... leaving us alone, looking out at all these happy relatives talking and smiling and laughing.
Didn't they know that my heart was breaking! Didn't they know that this was the hardest thing Jay ever had to do in his life ... walk out of mine?
We stood in his aunt's house looking into each other's eyes. This time he advanced first. He put his hand around the back of my head and pulled my face up close to his. He went to kiss my cheek. He know he couldn't get away with it, but he gave it a try. I turned my lips to him. He melted and we practically jumped into each other's arms, kissing deep and passionately.
I Grabbed his butt and pulled his pelvis as tightly into my oen as I thought possible ... until he followed suit and squished our ... by now ... hard as rocks -- stuff together. We could feel one another pulsing. I reached into his trousers and wrapped my fingers around his throbbing meat. He moaned. kissed me deeper, then whined and sighed, crying out, "NOOOOO!"
Tears in his eyes, he removed my hand from his pants and said, "We have to ... stop." He walked out the door ...
And I followed.
What we did didn't take any longer than a minute, though it seemed an eternity to us. His family was still getting in their cars. We were ushered into the back seat of an SUV, with a kid on each side of us, as they drove slowly to the MTC
Every one of those 19-year-old guys looked delicious. Some looked more "all-American" than others, some -- if studied closely were homely or just plain ugly, but ... they all looked beautiful with their excited smiles and animated faces. Thousands of "stripling warriors" (I learned what that while in the separation service.)
Many of these "boys" had never been away from home before. Some looked homesick already while others looked like the height of excitement. We were all herded into a large hall, each missionary with his family.
A hymn was sung -- something about the Youth of Zion, then a prayer. Several talks were given, one of which was delivered by someone I understood they believed was an Apostle of the Lord. After the talks was another hymn ... this one I recognized: "God Be With You Til we Meet Again". Everyone was crying by the end of the song ... including me.
Then they told us to say our final goodbyes to our beloved missionaries. The floor must have been awash with tears. Then they instructed the missionaries to walk out the back doors, while we watched. Jay and I could not take our eyes from each other for an interminable period of time, but finally he was the last to leave as he turned and walked out the door.
And I could not follow.
Notes: It is one of the most helpless feelings I've ever felt ... to watch a loved one go through that door -- not to see him for two whole years. This we were promised by the Apostle who spoke: "Every missionary will change in so many ways. He goes away a boy and will return a man ... with honor." Comments are welcome. The author has (obviously) experienced this phenomenon. Address your comments to: stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and ... Love, Steve