This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindof story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Michael Timothy Headly -- That's me! (Sometimes ... Ronny)
Spike -- (Diane, my big sister)
Mary -- My mom
Tom -- My father.
Gilbert Blank -- Friend from Woodland
Joey Gray -- Gilbert's "little brother"
Bobby Pepper -- New friend
Arlo Gates - Orienteer
Randy Samson -- Arlo's roomie
James Samson (Jay) -- Randy's adopted brother and ... My Twin! (Shawn)
Blair -- New Roomie (Todd is his friend from high school)
Jacky -- one of five brothers and a sister: Jared, Jed, Jimmy, Jock and Julie
Jody -- Dude from Hurricane Harbor
... From Chapter 27:
Then they told us to say our final goodbyes to our beloved missionaries. The floor must have been awash with tears. Then they instructed the missionaries to walk out the back doors, while we watched. Jay and I could not take our eyes from each other for an interminable period of time, but finally he was the last to leave as he turned and walked out the door.
And I could not follow.
Chapter 28
Stunned. I stared at that door as it slowly closed, leaving a whole room full of families ... stunned. That was the last time we'd see our beloved young men ... and a few young women ... for a long time! I was no different that the hundreds of others standing around me, tears still flowing ... was I?
Part of me said, "I'm only 19. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm still a teenager. These things are always such monumental events ... and then they subside and like so many others before me ... I'll move on."
BULLSHIT!! These people have no idea how I feel! I looked around. Mothers and a few fathers ... were teary-eyed, a few sobbing. I saw some girls too -- who I guessed were girlfriends ... watching that door ... as if they expected their boyfriend to come bounding through the door, unable to leave the love of this one perfect girl behind.
And I suppose that happens occasionally. But not this time. The door stood solidly closed. I wondered if it had no door handle on the other side. I wondered if the young people who had disappeared into that portal were somehow now caged in a place where they could not escape.
Of course I knew that was ridiculous. There were also older adults that went in there ... older couples mostly -- who were volunteering part of their retirement to serve missions. They weren't kept against their will, any more than any of the younger ones were. I still felt abandoned. "I love you more than life itself" echoed in my head. "You're my soul mate." How little these must really mean to this boy I share ... and have shared so much with. Does he have a clue how much they mean to mee? Does he have any idea what HE means to me?
So ... why was that door standing closed. Would a real soul mate just walk out of my life ... like that? I again considered all those girls who had made promises to wait for the missionary to come back and marry them. Jay had told me about that:
The typical missionary HAS a girlfriend when he leaves on his mission. He's 19, and the girl is usually that age ... or more likely younger. The missionary promises to serve an honorable mission, and the girl promises to wait.
But two years in the life of an 18-year-old girl ... is a long time. Especially when she has none of the missionary rules ... as their boyfriend has. Two long years ... on ice!
They write letters: "I met this amazing guy the other day. But ... don't worry -- `He's just a friend like those I count in dozens!" So goes the song from a play about such a missionary. "A kind unselfish boy who understands my pain."
By their sixth month most missionaries receive the dreaded "Dear John." Jay said that after they receive the "dear John" is when many missionaries really get to work. But ... he told me NOT to wait! No "dear John" for my Jay. He already gave me his own "dear Mikey": "Don't wait."
But I continued to stare at the door, waiting for it to crash open and for my love to come bounding across the room into my arms.
I dreamt about that moment over and over during the next two weeks. I was to have been having a great time in San Jose with Bobby -- in his new apartment. But now he has another commitment. I didn't so much care about that. I only wanted to see my Jay-Jay!
"Dear Mikey,
Why haven't you written? I hoped to have a letter waiting for me in my room. I've been too busy learning all about mission life here at the MTC to write to you. I'm sorry about that. They keep us busy all the time. And when we aren't studying the scriptures or our "Preach My Gospel" manuals -- the guide books of our missions -- we are eating, playing basketball, or football to work off any excess anxiety with the other elders.
My MTC senior companion has been here a week longer than I. He's something else! A real piece of work! He's from Idaho, is headed for California, and is a homophobic as I've ever seen. But we are told to learn to love our companions. Easier said than done but you know what, Mikey? It's possible! I love Elder Michaels (yeah, I thought that was pretty ironic too!) dearly. We don't call each other by first names. Only last names, preceded by `Elder'. Now this week -- my last here before I go to Oz -- I am the senior companion. I got a newby named Elder Goldstein. His parents are converted Jews. Christianity never made sense to them until they met a could of Mormon Sister missionaries.
Elder Goldstein's father died suddenly two weeks ago. Between his mother and their bishop ... and Elder Goldstein himself, they decided that he would still go to his mission. His first name is Roger. He cannot pronounce the letter "R". Good thing we only go by last names. He has said his name for me ... "Wa-joe" is all he can manage. He'll shake hands and say, `I'm Eldo Goldstein." I feel bad and at the same time I want to laugh. I must repent of that!
We did some practice proselyting on some of the older missionaries. We knocked on this older couple's door. An old man answered the door:
"Hello, I'm Elder Samson." I said
"And I'm Eldo Goldstein,"
The old man looked puzzled, (I think he was hard of hearing) and said, "Elmer? You're both named Elmer?" as he put his hand to his ear to hear us better.
"No sir." I replied, I'm ELDER Samson."
"And I'm EL-DOE Goldstein."
"Oh!" said the old man as if he understood perfectly. "Elder and Eldo! Well, nice to meetcha!"
When we were finished and walked out, we both cracked up so hard. "Eldo" Goldstein and I will be friends forever! He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever met!
Well, anyway, I hope you are okay. I can still feel you. I wonder if traveling to the opposite side of the earth will make that stop?
Anyway -- I'll keep the faith ... as well as I can. I love you, Mikey -- more than life itself.
Your soul mate,
Elder Samson
P.S. Already two of my new friends have received "dear John" letters.
P.P.S. I won't say that I don't miss you. I felt what you were feeling after I went thorough that door two weeks ago. I mean -- I felt you ... and was feeling the same ... Elder S.
I felt like scum. All these two weeks he was waiting for a letter from me.
"Dear Jay-Jay,
Please don't expect me to call you Elder Samson. I don't know about Mormon culture ... enough to know that I should have sent you a letter -- or I would have! I'm still dreaming about you coming back through that door and into my arms. I probably shouldn't even be saying that to you, but I know you felt it anyway.
I wish I had your gift of feeling. It's getting better, I think. I can feel you thinking about me at about 9:30 each night and then it goes blank. I know from what you told me ... that would be when you are praying ... because no one can hear your prayers except God himself ... right?
I won't tell you that I don't miss you either, Jay-Jay ... because I do. I am sorry if my thoughts of you may be interrupting your studies. Because I think of little else. But you will already know that.
Well, better late than ever, here is my letter to you!
I will be going back to Chicago tomorrow. Your parents have invited me to come visit any time. That would be weird for your mom -- to be seeing you there all the time. but maybe it would make it easier for her too. I will miss Randy terribly! He already started at Sac State. Diane is working to let him finish and do his grad work there.
I visited them in their new digs -- an apartment near the university -- last night. Randy held me for a very long time. He didn't say it, but I know he was imagining it was you he was holding. I closed my eyes and ... imagined it was you. I know you felt that!
I also know that you leave for Melbourne in three days -- if your visas are all in order.
I love you too ... Shawnie. More than life!
Your Soul mate,
Ronny"
That night after I sent that email, I lay on my bed, my door cracked open. I overheard my parents talking.
"The boy just seems depressed all the time." said my dad's voice.
Was it that obvious? Well, I guess I didn't try to hide it.
"I know," said my mom, "I'm a little worried about him."
"Oh, he'll be okay." Said Dad. "Nothing like a bunch of school work to help distract from a broken heart."
"Men!" Said my mom. "You always think it's so simple! Well, Michael is not like you are! Or like MOST men. He has a very tender heart ... as you know."
"He's STILL very much a MAN!" Said Dad.
"You know what I mean! I don't know what I'd do in his place."
"I know what I'd do!" Said dad.
"What?"
"If I felt as I think he feels -- I'd be on a plane to Australia tomorrow -- and I'd be waiting for Jay when we got off that plane."
"Oh, Tom! That wouldn't be fair to the boy! I mean to Jay. This mission means so much to him!"
"All's fair in love and war!" Said my dad. "And I'm not all that convinced that this mission thing is all it's cracked up to be. If you had gone off like that, I'd have fought for you! THAT's the difference between me and Mike! That's the difference between what they have and ...real love!"
"Maybe love to them means letting go. And if he comes back - "
"That's so much poetic bull-crap, Mary."
My head started to spin. I dreamt all night about flying to Melbourne. But I never reached it. I woke up three times before the dream could finish. The third time, I looked at my clock. 3:30 AM.
I got up and opened my lap top. I cruised to a travel page and typed in "cheap tickets to Melbourne."
Several sites popped up. "Only $740.00 one way on Northwest Airlines." Said the ad.
"Only" 740 ... that's $1480 round trip. No way I could afford that! That was a stupid exercise in futility! I closed my lap top, and went back to bed.
"Mikey!" Said jay over the phone. "I will fly to San Francisco Thursday night ... and have 2 hours and forty five minutes until the next flight goes to Melbourne!"
"What??" I said. He called me Mikey. That should have been my first clue! "What -- I mean -- where -- can I meet you?"
"By the Northwest luggage section! My stuff will automatically go to my next plane, but we can meet there!"
I flew into action. Before I knew it, Bobby and Gary were whisking me to San Francisco airport in his Corvette. Quite how we fit three in the car I couldn't guess. That was the next clue that I missed.
In no time, I was waiting for my Jay-Jay at the luggage section of Northwest Airlines. I saw his head bobbing over the top of several Japanese men, all crunched together looking at something on the escalator.
I started to run to him ... and him to me. It was almost like in the movies when everything went to slow motion. Then it seemed like I was pushing through thick Jell-O, as I saw his face start to fade and heard my alarm get louder and louder.
I lay there in a sweat. This is the day I have to fly out to Chicago. Mr. and Mrs. Samson will be meeting me at O'Hare and driving me home with them for dinner. I'll spend the night before being driven to my new dorm room. The bungalow was demolished to build more up to date condos, for university staff.
Was it all a dream then? It seemed so real! It seemed so real that I wasn't sure where reality left off and the dream clicked in. Did I really get up and check the internet? Were Mom and Dad really talking before I went to sleep? I flew to my computer and opened it. It booted as usual.
That's strange. I remembered closing it after I saw the cost of flying. It should have "woken up" or at the very least given me the ol' "The computer was not closed properly" routine.
I quickly opened the internet and went to my history from last night. Nothing!
8015550809.
What? Why did that number come into my head? I tried to remember it. No problem, it was as if it was seared into my memory. I stumbled to my cell phone. I punched in the numbers.
"Elder Summers! Wassup?"
"Huh?" I said, bewildered.
"This is Elder Summers. Who's this?"
"Um - " I didn't know what to say.
In the background, I heard, "That's probably for me -- Elder Headly!"
"Who's Elder Headly? I don't know no Elder Headly!" said the one holding the phone.
"Just gimme the phone, Summers!" It was obviously Jay. "Headly? Is that you?"
"J-Jay?" I said uncertainly.
"Yeah. Are you okay Elder Headly?"
In the background I heard Elder Summers say, "Is he okay? I don't even KNOW an Elder Headly! What's going on, Samson? You got sumpin' special goin' on with this Headly character?"
"You don't know EVERYONE, Summers! Just get out and let me talk to Elder Headly!"
"Well ... saw-ree! "Kiss him g'bye for me!" SLAM!
"Mikey? This has to be fast! Summers is one of the pother companionship that shares this room. Unlike Goldstein, he's a jerk! I don't HAVE to learn to love him! We're not supposed to talk to anyone from home while we're in here. We're not supposed to talk to anyone outside our group!"
"So I guess YOU -- um -- texted your number to me ... in my brain!" I said.
"Yeah. I was getting some very disturbing feelings from you this morning and ... last night! Are you okay?"
I heard a door squeak. "Are you still talking to your lover, Samson?" Said Summers in a sing-songy voice.
"Get out! I met Headly playing basketball, Summers! Something you'd understand if you got your head out of you're a -- um -- your books! He fell pretty hard. I asked him to call and let me know ... but that's none of YOUR business, is it?"
I heard a scuffle and another slam. "I pushed him out. Summers is a stickler for rules. Anyway -- are you okay?"
"<> I suppose."
"Yeah -- that was reassuring!" said Jay.
Jay, I don't want you to go. No -- I don't mean that -- I just -- I mean -- well, of COURSE I don't want you to go! But I want you to -- um -- go and -- um either get it out of your system ... or whatever happens."
"I'm struggling too, Mikey. But I pray every day -- several times -- and I just keep getting a good feeling when I pray. I really believe it will work out fine for both of us."
"Does that mean - " I started.
"Dunno what it means -- except that I trust God. I wish you could just ... have the same ... um -- faith."
"I have faith ... in you, Jay-Jay. I'm gonna wait until you come back. I've decided?"
"When did you decide that, Mikey? Please don't -- um -- I mean -- um -- well, maybe that's what you're supposed to do. I dunno! Okay -- well, if you're okay then I gotta go ... okay?"
" Yeah. Okay."
"Bye -- um Elder!" He said. I assumed that someone walked in. Jay ended the call.
I sat on my bed and tears started to form, but then I suddenly went from forlorn to ... pissed! I punched recall.
"Summers!" Said the Elder.
I thought I was catching on. They're supposed to call each other Elder. And this was a stickler for rules! Okay, I can play that game!
"Shouldn't that be ELDER Summers?" I said in my most superior sounding voice.
"Oh -- yess sir!! Um -- Sorry! Um -- who's this -- I mean -- um -- um -- Elder Summers here!
"That's better!" I said authoritatively. "Put Elder Samson on!"
"Samson -- er -- I mean, Elder Samson -- it's for you."
"This is Elder Samson. Who's this?"
"Don't let on. It's Elder Headly! I really had your companion going."
"Mike -- er -- Elder! Um -- yeah, you did!" I felt a slight giggle in his voice. "Really going!"
"I just wanted to tell you I love you." I said.
"Oh -- well -- um -- what can I say, but yeah ... I totally agree! Send me a letter and maybe we can meet up after -- um -- well -- AFTER!"
"Yeah ... I'll do that!" I said. "I love you!"
"Okay, well -- um -- yeah -- me too! Bye now, Elder."
Again he ended the call, but this time I felt a very distinct "I love you, Mikey!" after hanging up. And it was NO dream!
"Are you okay, Michael?" Said my mom. "You seemed a little down when you walked through the room last night."
I didn't think anyone noticed.
"I am ... now!" I said happily.
My trip back to Chicago was without much fanfare. The Samsons treated me as if I was their own son. Well, duh! It actually was kind of hard to get used to, because I couldn't feel the same back to them. But our short time together was nice. I was made welcome any time.
My new dorm, as it worked out, was the same building as Jody. We worked an angle so he could switch to our room, with me and Arlo and another displaced Junior. Arlo is a senior this year, and he is coming to terms with his own newly discovered sexuality. I say coming to terms ... meaning he still dates a girl sometimes. But he's not much in to it. He and Jacky are best friends ... if not more. But neither of them is very outward about what they do. So I don't push it.
Blair and Todd found a place of their own off campus, and they are both still keeping things tight to themselves. They too look like only best friends to the casual observer, but Blair talks to me. They are only into each other ... and don't want anyone to know it! Neither is quite bright enough to realize that people are going to figure it out eventually. And ... I'm not the one to tell them.
The "other displaced Junior" is one of Jay's wrestling team mates from high school. But he graduated when I did, so he has not seen Jay since high school. When he saw me he ran and gave me a sports hug then jumped back with a surprised expression.
"Whoa!" He said. "They told me everyone in this room was ... gay. but YOU'Re not gay ... are you? James Samson is NOT gay!"
"I'm not James." I said. "I'm Mike Headly."
"Yeah ... and I'm the Pope! I'd know you anywhere. What're you trying to hide? I didn't you're your seminary graduation, but - "
"Wait a minute -- are you a Mormon?" I said.
"James, quit fooling around! Your spookin' me!"
"James is my twin brother."
"Yeah, and I'm from Mars! C'mon, what up?"
"You're a real hard sell!" I said. "I don't know what else to do to convince you. You'll have to wait for Arlo. He can swear to it. Other than that, I don't know what else - "
"I DO!" He said. "I know every dimple and mark on James's -- well -- YOUR body, James!" he stopped and turned deep red when he said that.
"Come to think about it ... that might be the best way to convince you." I started to take off my shirt.
"Ermmm -- um -- that isn't the parts I studied!" He said, his color deepening.
"Trust me, it'll be enough!" I said, pulling my shirt over my head.
"Wo! James! I never thought I'd see an ounce of fat on you!" He exclaimed. "I mean -- no! I mean -- um -- you still look great but it's just - "
"Nope! Too late!" I quipped. "You saw my fat and ... you called me on it!"
"James -- no! I didn't mean anything by -- I didn't - "
"Dude~! Stop! Jay is my brother. He's NOT fat. And ... he's now in Australia -- on his mission!"
"What -- I mean -- oh! I HEARD that you -- er -- um that he -- er -- this is really a trip! You really ARE James's brother?"
"Yes -- I really am. And since I've practically had to denude myself to prove it ... who might you be?"
"Oh! Shit! I mean -- oh -- sorry -- I sometimes get carried away. I'm not as good a Mormon as I ought to be sometimes ... maybe. Um ... why -- why aren't you on a mission too. Well, never mind! I should talk! I should have gone six months ago -- if I was ready."
"Well, for one thing -- I'm not a Mormon."
"You're not a -- how -- I mean - " He stammered. "Dude! I'm so sorry. Were you ex'ed or something?"
"I've never been a member of your church. Jay and I were separated at birth then adopted out. My family moved to California when I was a baby. Jay and I never even knew about each other until last year. We found out ... by mistake."
"What a trip that musta been!"
"Yeah -- especially since neither of our parents even told us we were adopted!"
"Actually, I'm kind of relieved."
"Why?"
"I can't see James as being gay!"
"Wait a minute! You're gay ... aren't you? Isn't that why you were placed with us?"
He blushed deeply again. "I -- um -- I've been -- um -- yeah -- I mean -- I think -- I -- I'm not sure!"
"What do you mean?" I asked ... of course knowing EXACTLY what he meant!
"It's just -- my room mates keep telling me I am, but -- well, they're no longer my roomies, are they? I denied it for the last two years ... and I'm not really sure ... well, obviously. But I keep having these feelings ... and stuff."
"I know." I said.
"Huh? I mean -- how could -- I -- um -- you do?"
"The first person I told was my older sister -- who by the way married Randy -- Jay's brother -- and that was on Graduation day -- when my parents told me I was adopted."
"She-yit! Sorry -- but -- Sheeee-YIT! "You've had a heap o'crap to deal with in the last few months!!"
"Actually the last year and a few months. I graduated a year before Jay. But yeah, it's not easy -- for anyone."
"How did you know you were gay ... is it Mike?"
"Call me Mikey -- everyone else does. How did I know? That's a hard question. There is one way - "
"Wha -- what?" He stammered. "What is it?"
I sized him up. He was a typical high school -- or college wrestler. Short and lean. "I have some excess fat, but - " I started.
"Look, I'm sorry I said anything. I - "
"Don't worry about it. It's on purpose! I'm a swimmer. We carry more fat. Makes us sleeker in the water. Not fat-fat. Just enough to - "
"No -- you looked great! It just surprised me that - "
"Like I said -- don't worry about it! And like I said -- there is one way that might be somewhat of an indicator if your really gay."
"What is it, Mikey?"
"Well, I'd show you but -- I still don't even know your name!"
"Oh! Rippey! AJ Rippey."
"Well -- AJ Rippey -- how would you feel about kissing a guy?"
"Oh! Never thought about it. I've mostly been -- um -- fascinated -- with their bodies. I mean -- I guess -- what -- you mean -- um -- you?"
"If you DON'T like it, I'll bet you AREN'T gay! And it sounds almost like you DON'T want to be."
"Why -- um -- er -- why do you say that?"
"You didn't want my brother to be gay."
"That's different. He's NOT gay. But -- I'm not so sure ... about ... me."
Ignoring that, I pressed on. "So -- I AM definitely gay. Would it bother you to kiss a definitely gay guy?"
"Mmm -- I dunno about that. Seems kind of -- oh what the hell, why not. But it'll seem kinda like I'm kissing James ... and he wouldn't like kissing no guy! That much I'm sure of!"
(What are you thinking??!! Well, I'm surely not gonna out my own brother!)
"Close your eyes and pretend it IS him!" I joked. "That's make it more fun!"
"I can leave them open and do that!" He came and stood in front of me.
"What -- you want me to make the first move?" I was taunting him now.
"I wouldn't know what a first move was!"
"Well, it's kinda simple really." I said.
"Now you're patronizing me!" He smirked, getting the spirit of what was happening.
"EXACTLY!" I retorted. "Just what you wanted! So ... you tilt your head one way, and I will counter that by tilting my head the other. Good. Now just put your lips on mine!"
He leaned in -- not touching me anywhere else and did exactly as I told him. From the side of my mouth I said, "Now open your mouth slightly and let your lips get kinda soft.. PERFECT! Well, maybe not completely perfect ... yet ... now do this! I grabbed his butt and pulled his body up close to mine. He was short enough that my boner (yes, as much kidding and fun as I was having, I did have some wood going!) was at his tummy height. But he couldn't help but feel it. His was down pressing between my thighs.
And I could easily feel it! "So -- how do you like it?" I said.
"Mmmm -- not sure. Not sure if it's what would turn me on."
I then grabbed his bone and said, "Better tell your little pal here! He seems kind of turned on ... to me!"
"It's just that I just keep seeing your brother!"
"And you wouldn't like it my brother did THIS would you?" I started to flex and thrust. He started to shake a little. I kissed him deeper. He grabbed me and started to thrust wildly and then started inhaling and exhaling deeply.
"Oh -- oh -- oh -- oh -- I can't -- I can't omigod! I'm -- I'm -- "
Do I really need to explain what happened to him? He just kept thrusting, slower and slower, as the wet spot in front of his pants started to seep into my own pants. We heard the door handle rattle. Oh god!" He exclaimed.
I pulled him into my room and closed the door. "See -- that wasn't so bad ... now ... was it?" He had a stunned look on his face. "What? You didn't like that kiss?" I teased.
He almost collapsed against me. I said, "So -- I'll take that as a yes. You DID like it." He nodded on my chest. "Good -- now I can tell you. I'm James ... but you have the right to call me Jay now!"
He clung even closer, and replied. "Don't even joke about that. I KNOW James wouldn't have done that!"
"Please -- call me Jay now. All my close friends do."
"You're just shittin' me now ... aren't you James?!"
"Jay!"
"You were just putting me on -- weren't you -- um -- Jay!?" He said, snuggling even closer. "But you were so convincing! Is this like -- um -- my initiation to this room -- or something?"
"No -- it's mine!" I said. "They told me I had to kiss a guy to stay here. And guess what? I liked it! So -- I must be gay ... right?"
"If you're gay, James - "
"Don't forget -- it's Jay now!" I taunted.
"Jay! JAY! Geez -- that seemed so real! Maybe YOU were just acting -- to get to -- um -- Geez! Why would you even WANT to be with 3 gay guys?"
"Well, it's like this, AJ. I really DID like it. You're a totally hot guy ... and ... I am NOT Jay! I really AM his twin brother, And you WILL please call me Mikey!" Then I stepped back and took his hand in mine. "Nice to meet you, AJ Rippey!"
Note: Thanks for all your kind messages and letters. It is always appreciated. If you want to correspond, send it to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and ... Love, Steve