Chapter 5: love -or- Hate
"Derek honey, do you think you'll feel good enough to go to school tomorrow"?
"I don't know mom. I'm just really not up for anything right now".
"Well me and your sister are off to church. Hilda called, make sure you call her back. And drink lots of water so you can be well enough for prom on okay? Love you honey, take care until we get back". Okay so I'm not really sick, not physically anyway, but how could I tell my mother a boy has broken my heart? Hopefully I can get out of going to school tomorrow, because I never want to see Henry again. Who am I kidding? I'd love to see him again, but I wouldn't want him to know that. I have to get myself together; I keep telling myself we never had anything to begin with. It just seems like when you're the only two people you know who gay, you'd connect with each other. Now I could use a friend, someone to vent to. I think I'll call Hilda back now.
"Hello"?
"Hey Hil, what's up"?
"Derek, oh man you've been holding out on me"!
"What do you mean"?
"You hooked up with Henry?! And you didn't tell me?!? Well I could understand being that you're still `in the closet' and all but"-
"Whoa whoa, wait, how'd you know? I didn't tell anybody"!
"It's the word on the street! You know Jared's sister Candace right? She told her friend, who told me because they knew we were cool. They said you and him were at a party feeling each other up and shit and then got into a fight with his brother. So now everyone's been asking me if you were gay and I don't know what the hell to tell them"!
"WHAT!? Are you serious? She told everyone"? When it rains, it pours. Now after being dumped from a relationship that never even existed, I'm outed by some big mouth bitch who doesn't even know me!
"Yea but don't worry though, everybody knows she's a lying ass ho. But still, if it happened, it happened. Other people at the party said they only saw a fight and two friends trying to help each other out".
"Well it definitely happened, but it's no big deal anymore. Henry and I aren't an item, we might not even be friends anymore".
"Really? Why, what happened"?
"Yesterday I kissed him",- why not, she seems to be sure that I'm bisexual anyway --"but he said he didn't want to be with me. I guess he just doesn't like me".
"Or maybe there's somebody else", she says. Oh great, that's definitely going to make me feel better.
"Either way, he knows that I liked him, and he doesn't feel the same way so he can kiss my"-
"Derek! You can't blame him for not liking you. Just chill out for a while, there's plenty of other gay dudes in this city".
"Yea but it's not that. I didn't want just any guy, I wanted him".
"So it's that deep huh? Well you'll get over it I'm sure, you need a prom date anyway -- who is a girl! You don't want what happened to him to happen to you".
"I'm not worried about that, but if you or Sandra aren't going with anyone then maybe we'll go together".
"Aight cool, I'll hit you up later".
"Okay, bye". Great. Word on the street is that I'm gay. I haven't even told a soul, funny how word travels. If Candace weren't Jared's sister, I'd be planning my revenge by now. But I think I'm going to need as many friends as I can get for whatever tomorrow brings. I already know how cruel school kids can be, so I've got to be prepared to deny, deny, deny, and avoid Henry at the same time. This should be fun...
That day just blew passed me. I drifted on and off through sleep, having dreams of losing Henry in several different ways. By the time morning came, I was fed up and wide awake, so I decided to head on to school. I avoid my family so I don't have to explain anything and walk right outside to meet Hilda. "Hey playboy, how was your night"? She asks.
"Don't ask. I don't think I can face him again...I don't what I'd do. I still like him , but on the other hand I'm still upset with him. What am I going to do in class"?
"Just don't talk to him for a while, let him make the first move. And remember, he didn't do anything wrong. It's you who's acting like a little bitch over it".
"Thank you for your words of wisdom, very encouraging".
"What are friends for"?
Finally school. As I walk through the halls I can feel some of the other students staring me down. It's cool though, for the most part everybody is just wondering, and its not that many people giving me the eye either. In my first period class this girl actually comes up to me and asks "Excuse me, are you gay? Do you go out with Henry"?
To which I reply "No, I'm not. And we're barely even friends". That's the only thing anyone says to me all day about the subject, but of course, history is a different subject. I walk quickly into the class early, making sure not to look in the direction Henry sits in. Once I sit down though, I turn around to glance and I catch his eyes on mine. I try not to pay him any attention, but his gaze is so powerful that I can't do anything but stare back. That's until Sandra comes and sits next to me.
"Hey Derek, who are you going to prom with"?
"Well, who are YOU going to prom with", I ask.
"Haha, I have no idea. A couple of guys have asked me but"- I kind of start to tune her out when I see this girl named Diana sit behind Henry and get all touchy feely with him. It's irking me and my mind wanders off, thinking that he doesn't want me because he's going out with her. "Derek are you listening to me", Sandra exclaims.
"Yea, you said you don't want to go with him"...whoever HE is.
"Oh, good. Well I think that blah blah blah" The girl behind Henry leans forward and kisses him on the cheek quite fervently. I wonder if he's going to prom with that girl? I bet she thinks so. She's the same one who's always holding his arm when they leave. Funny, as much as he thinks everyone hates him, he sure has a lot of girls hovering around him. "Soooo how long are you going to be thinking"?
"Huh? Oh, I'm not thinking anymore".
"I see. So was that a yes"?
"Um YES! I said yes". I have no idea what to...I hope she didn't just ask me about what happened between me and Henry, because I was staring at him the whole time.
"Okay great, you can pick me up at 8. See you later love", she says. What? Oh no, did she just ask me out to prom? Did I say yes?!?
"Okay class, today the project was supposed to be due, but since a lot of you are getting ready for prom, I'll extend the due date to tomorrow. I understand many of you were absent on Friday, so you'll have the whole class today to work on it. And make sure you and your partners get it done today, because your grade depends on it", Ms. Verona says.
I'm not getting up, so Henry comes over to me and pulls a chair up to my desk. He doesn't say hi or anything, he just greets me with a smile. "So I guess you found a date for prom huh"?
"I didn't mean to. I wasn't doing that to show I was over you or anything...cause I'm not...but you gotta move on".
"Let me ask you something; would you allow yourself to fall in love with someone if you knew you were going to lose them"?
That's a weird question...I hope he isn't planning a suicide or something. "I'm not following you, is that a riddle"?
"Never mind, can we talk? There's something I really need to tell you, and I don't want you to be hurt".
"It's your life. If you want to date the blonde girl with the big boobs, who am I to make you choose".
"This isn't easy for me you know, I'm going through it as bad as you are".
"If that were true we wouldn't be having this conversation"!
"Keep you voice down! Can we talk about this after school? I still owe you a pizza right"?
"Damn right".
"Good. Now the project, did you do it over"?
"I couldn't...it's really nice by the way. You worked so hard on it, I couldn't just throw it away. But there is this thing about us holding hands...and people already suspect we're going out...I don't want to confirm it. If they shunted you in middle school, imagine what they'd do to us in high school".
"I understand. It wasn't meant that way though. See, I didn't know you were gay when I was drawing it, I meant it as gay people and straight people coming together, you know, ending discrimination the way Martin Luther King did".
"Oh, wow that's deep. I suppose we could hand it in, as long as Ms. Verona doesn't show it off to the whole school. It still looks kind of gay...no offense".
"Haha, none taken. I can make us not hold hands in the picture if it makes you feel better. So we have a date right? About 7:00"?
"Sure, but you could just come to my house and we can walk from there if you want".
"Thanks, but I have to go home first".
""No problem. Then I'll see you later". The rest of the class we pretend to do our project while the rest of the kids actually do work. As usual, the rest of the day is uneventful. I don't think I saw Drew in class today, he's probably preparing for prom night like most of the other kids. And I have no idea how I'm going to explain how I ended going to prom with his secret crush. Anyways, once I got home, I did the regular routine: chores, homework, T.V., until 6:55 when I started questioning whether or not I should show up at the restaurant to meet Henry. He doesn't really deserve it after kicking me out of his house, but part of me is dying to hear what he has to say. Plus there's still a chance we could reconcile and possibly get together. So I go, but I make sure to show up fashionably late.
I walk into the restaurant and spot him in the corner where we sat last time, with his back toward me. I know it's him because he has a unique fashion sense compared to all the other young Latinos in our town, and his dark hair always reminded me of my own: low cut and laid down but not nappy enough to have waves. I still don't think I should do this, I don't want to pressure him into liking me when he really doesn't. Well, here goes everything, take a deep breath, and lets find out all I need to know about this dream-guy. "Hi Henry", I say before sitting down across from him.
"Derek! I'm so glad you came".
"Yea...I'm not so sure. Mind if we order first"?
"Don't worry, I already ordered", he says as the waitress comes over with a pepperoni pizza pie and two raspberry iced tea's.
"Hey, I get you know about the pepperoni, but how'd you figure I like iced tea"?
"I asked the waitress what you usually ordered. You told me last week they know what you want before you sit down".
"Haha cool, but what if I hadn't showed up"?
"Then I'd bring all this to your house". After that I stop laughing because I'm a little confused. He's being awfully friendly now; it's almost like it was before we knew we had a crush on each other. I remember him teasing me with his words last time, and now he's doing it again.
"Okay now spill it, what's going on with you? Start from the beginning, why did you meet at school the day you were absent"?
His cheerfulness seems to fade away now as he prepares to enlighten me. "I suppose Andrew already told you about what happened to me in 8th grade"? I nod yes. "Every since then, my life has been going downhill. I was so confident, I didn't think it would be a problem coming out of the closet, I thought my family and friends would still love me. I'm sure they do...I guess...but when my father found out he was furious. He beat me almost everyday, said he was going to beat me until I was straight. Me and my brother were always close, so he tried to protect me at first, but my father would've beat him as bad as me. Enrique...I mean Ricky eventually took his side. I didn't have a choice so I told them I wasn't gay anymore. It was a lie, of course, but I couldn't live with all the abuse from the only two people I had as family in this city".
"Oh my...what happened to your mother"?
"Oh, she left my dad before 8th grade. He wasn't working or anything so she packed up her stuff and went back to D.R., and just left us here. We still talk, she calls, but she never wants to see him again, and she doesn't want a family anymore".
"I know how that is. My dad left our family when I was young".
"I was wondering why you two didn't say anything to each other when I was at your house".
"Yup, we don't even know each other now. He doesn't even live far, and I've never been inside his apartment".
"Atleast he doesn't abuse you".
"Not physically, no. But this isn't about me, keep going".
"Right, that day I didn't come to school...my brother found our poster and showed it to our dad. He went crazy again, like I wasn't his son anymore. He hit me and.." Henry's eyes began to tear up, but he holds his tears back. "I tried to fight back for once, but Ricky wouldn't let me hit him. They both were against me, so I left. I didn't have anywhere to go, I was just wandering the streets when you called".
"Man, I'm so sorry. I had no idea all of this was happening to you. You seem so positive in school, I never would've imagined that"-
"It's because I'm trying to get away. That's what else I want to tell you. Remember I told you about the VSLA club? Well they want to offer me a full scholarship to this private arts school. It's a really good college, very expensive, but I have to make orientation this weekend in order to get accepted".
"Well that's great right? You love drawing, and you can get a dorm away from your dad and brother. It sounds perfect to me, why wouldn't you say yes"?
"The college is in Chicago".
"..."
"..."
"Oh. I-uh, I understand. And you'll have to leave this week huh"?
"Late Thursday night".
"Whoa, you can't even go to prom"?
"I might be able to make prom, but I haven't found anyone to go with so I'm not worried. The problem is I won't have enough money to come back, and no reason to really. When I leave, it'll be for good. There going to send me my diploma and grades, and I'll move right into the dorm". This is a lot to take in, I'm a little stunned, he can tell. "I'm sorry Derek. Even if I could stay, it's too risky. You know what my brother's capable of, I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you. And plus, long distance relationships don't usually work out. You're great and all, but before I met you I had no reason to stay here".
"I know the answer now", I say.
"What"?
"Would you fall in love with someone, if you knew you were going to lose them. My answer is yes. My whole life I've been ignored or undermined somehow, now when I finally find someone who will listen, he tells me we can't be together. I'm not afraid of your brother Henry, and I don't care if I can only be with you for a couple of days. If it's truly meant to be, we'll find a way around this, I know it. Just let it happen, let yourself go and for once in your life, let someone make you happy". He gives a thought for a second, takes a deep breath, and embraces me in a forceful yet loving kiss. Of course I can't resist, so I hold him and kiss him back until the waitress comes over and asks us to stop.
"Oh sorry ma'am", he says with a beautiful smile wrapped around his face. "I think these are going to be the best 3 days of my life, and I don't want to waste a single moment".