Home to Jude

Home to Jude

Disclaimer!

Do not read this if it is not legal for you to do so. This story is fiction-entirely-and not suited for readers under age 18. This is a love story. However, there will be sex and it will be graphic but suited to the characters.

I do not pretend to have ever served in the military and actually the most understanding I have gained is living in a town next to (relatively speaking) a naval base. All places in this story are fiction, and all characters are likewise the creation of the author.

In fact, I am not an expert in anything and am happy to make it up as I go along so don't expect reality to work the way my fantasy does. Everything is a vehicle for the story and that might just be a vehicle for the sex...

evagoxrush@gmail.com mailto:[evagoxrush@gmail.com](mailto:evagoxrush@gmail.com)\

~Evago

Chapter 1-Of my heart

The mother of my heart, not blood,
Bound up the wounds I did not see.
And I became the soul I would
For all that you have given me.

When they admitted her to the hospital I knew it was the last time. Ellen was dieing and with her the only woman I would ever call mother. She wasn't my mother. But she might as well have been. My biological father had nearly killed me when I was 13, and his wife, the woman I had called mom had stood by and done nothing. He threw me out in a field, assuming I was dead, covered me with planks, and soil and a park worker had discovered me crawling across a swampy field in the early morning. My leg was broken in two places, my jaw, my forearm and four ribs were also broken. My kidneys were bruised and I had surgery to repair a tear in my large intestine.

Both were in jail. Dead to me.

But this woman the mother of my heart, why did she have to get cancer? I am nineteen now, and I live at home with her and her sisters son, Jude and his wife, Kelly and two children. I attend the community college nearby and work in a computer repair shop. Mom's house is an old Victorian, with seven bedrooms and two kitchens. Port Howard is a small town, and I came here when the state foster care sent me to her. She had three other foster children at the time, but I was the only gay one. I have never felt more welcome anywhere than I did that night when I cried in her arms.

Six years is a lifetime for me. I didn't survive High School I enjoyed it. I have been gay, flamboyantly so, since my arrival here. You see she came to see me in the hospital, and by the time I came home with her I was proud of who I was. I couldn't walk for almost a year. Jude and Kelly came the year I turned sixteen, when Kelly had the twins. In the 2 years since then, I had graduated from High School and Mom had gotten ill and Kelly... Cheated on Jude.

As we all sat in the conference room at the hospital I worked desperately not to hate her. Hate her for betraying him. He was in the military when I came to live with Mom, and he was like a son to her, his own parents not a part of his life. Jude was the means by which Mom had gotten into taking in foster children. His own mother was an addict and his father was some unknown drunk. But Jude, he was a good man. He just turned twenty-eight the same week his children turned two. But, Kelly she had married the naval engineer because marrying navy is what her family did. She'd been stationed with him at Warrant Island, and by all accounts had slept with any and every sailor when he had been deployed.

Jude is 6'1" tall. Just three inches taller than I am, but we are nothing alike physically. At 5'10" tall, I do not have an athletic bone in my body. There are two reasons I am in relatively good shape. One, I have something of a hyperactive nervous energy and metabolism-can eat anything. And two, I can't drive for the life of me, and while PH is a small town it is hilly and spread out. I ride my bike and walk everywhere. I weigh 130lbs and Commander Jude Carlisle is easily 200 lbs. I am lucky he has never been homophobic. Seriously.

He could be the poster boy/man for the Navy. He is ripped. And it comes naturally to him. He runs and works out some, but not religiously. Oh no, Jude is naturally a big muscular guy. His dark brown hair is thick and soft, with just a hint of curl as it grows. Of course, he keeps it ruthlessly short. But, I have seen it slightly past regulation. His dark eyes are hard to read but luckily he has a ready smile and an easy grace that makes you think he is smaller than he is, because of his air of approachability.

We share a house, but live worlds apart. One thing we share is our love for Mom. Of course, I love his baby boys too. But his wife, I feel sad for her. Because here I am, praying Jude's best friend Chief Moore, Matt, will finally grow balls and tell Jude about Kelly. He has the pictures, the proof. He told me, sheepishly trying to get ME to help him. But, fuck, I am a coward! I know they fight, I know he thinks she hates him for getting her pregnant, but how do I tell him his wife is a two bit whore!? And now, especially?

Oh god. I can barely look at her and she is really trying to be kind right now. I am willing to admit, she has been kind to me over the years, in her own selfish way. She accepts my sexuality among a number of other good qualities. He is just as much to blame for marrying her and getting her pregnant when she was just 20. But last night, last night he almost didn't have to get told. She very nearly got caught doing it in their bed at the house. I saw the guy climb out the back when I went around to bring the trash can to the back of the house as Jude went in the front door as we came home from the hospital.

She gave me a stricken look, and although we have never spoken of it, she knew now that I have known for sometime. Jude is going to hate me when he finds out I have known for a long time. Hate Matt too. The house was a pit, toys everywhere, dirty diapers on the changing table, and the high chairs were as filthy as the babies. I was cleaning up after them as Jude bathed his beloved sons. They fought for two hours after that.

I know that Mom left the house to Jude and I, but it is time for me to move out. I had thought of fixing up the carriage house, but with work and school and the boys I have no time. If I leave them, I will be leaving the boys without ...my heart aches. I am so confused. They are my family and I find myself in an intolerable situation. This is my ONLY family. I have nowhere to go, but it has never upset me before. Losing Mom upsets me. The fact that in losing her I may lose them all terrifies me. Jude was always going to be there, she told me. The boys would always love their uncle.

Finally, the doctor arrives in the conference room and describes to us Mom's last wishes. She is as good as gone. We have all said our good-byes days ago when her lucidity slipped away. Now, all that remains is withdrawing life support.

"Andy, do you want to be there?" Jude asks me gently. He reaches across the table and puts his big hand over my cold fingers. Do I want to watch Mom die?

I look at him, stricken, "I ...can't Jude." I try to sit up straight, and be a man, but I am coming apart inside. He squeezes my fingers and nods.

"Alright doctor, I'd like to be there if I can." He holds my hand until the doctor takes him from the room. Rising from the table, his uniform looking crisp and perfect as it always does. I admit to ensuring that if she fails to make sure his laundry is done, I do. No, I don't do it myself. We use dry cleaners. But, what will happen when I am gone?

Kelly awkwardly tries to console me, and I am not even sure what she said, but I sob and run from the room. Run from the hospital into the northwest spring downpour. It is fitting, the wet dismal weather. The sky is dark, and yet...the fresh green growth of late March, and the distant light on the horizon is vivid. We live four miles from the hospital, on the west side of the big hill above the seaport. Heading west I see the break in the clouds on the horizon as the sun is breaking through on the distant slopes of the Olympics, and they rise like giants still covered in slow, clouds breaking around them.

The tears on my cheeks may be rain. By the time I get home two hours later I am drenched through and surprised to see Matt with the boys. He looks at frowns, "Jesus, Andy, you scared the hell out of Jude. Fuck, they fought for 20 minutes and she took off, now he is out looking for you."

I sniffed. "I can't deal with their fighting right now," I say grimly, "I saw a guy climb out of their bedroom Matt! I can't do this! It is killing me." I was walking slowly, my body in survival mode as I shivered.

"Well, fuck, I'll call him and tell him you are home. For god sake, go shower." He shoved me, one handed because he had little Matt in his arms, "I'll stay til Jude returns."

"Stop saying that word, the boys will learn it." I muttered shivering. The stairs felt like a mountain but I finally was slopping my clothes onto the floor in my narrow bathroom. I was standing in the shower, the water stinging me when the door popped open and Jude crashed in the room.

"Dammit, Andy!" He yelled. I jumped a mile and nearly killed myself in the shower yanking on the shower curtain and it crashed down rod and all, and I slid around trying to fix the damn thing.

"What the hell!" I yelled back, "I am trying to shower here." I was fighting with the curtain and Jude had skidded to a halt and was staring at me. Well, hell. I am naked, but...he doesn't...why is he looking at me like that? He blinks and reaches for the curtain helping me put it back up.

"Sorry. Look, sorry." He grumbled, "You scared me, kid." Been awhile since he called me kid.

"I am alright, Jude. Really." I said quietly, safely behind the opaque curtain.

The door didn't close and I peeked around the curtain, he was leaning on the sink, his hand over his face. "Shit, Andy...I think Kelly and I are getting divorced." He started telling me about how they fought all the time, and he didn't know how to make her happier. After his last deployment he had nearly taken a civilian job, trying to find a way to spend more time with her, but she had not wanted that. She was miserable and he knew it was because of the burden of parenthood. He was going to take that job now, and she was really angry. Of course I didn't point out that I parented the boys as much if not more than she did.

"I think she might ...be cheating on me." He said it so quietly I wasn't sure I heard him. Then he was quiet.

My head is covered with shampoo. I am a gay man with a big, lovable, sexy, straight navy guy in my bathroom detailing his wife's infidelities. What do I do? I step out of the shower, lean out the door-which is still wide open and letting all the cold air in-- and yell, "MATT? Come up here please." I know he hears me, because one of the boys lets out a holler that says he was just put in his playpen. I don't even look to see what Jude's expression is, I just stand there, dripping, soapy and naked and Matt skids around the corner.

"Uh, dude." He says embarrassed, looking past me at Jude, "Fuck, get a towel or something, before you kill someone with that thing."

Glancing down I exhale, well hell, why is it hard? Fuck. "Forget that!" I yell, they both jump. "TELL HIM." And I climb back in the shower. My dick is a little too big for my body and it is rather vulgar in this particular setting.

"What?" He panics. "Tell him what? Jesus...not.."

"Tell me what?" Jude growls. "You two aren't?" He ratchets it up a notch.

"NO!" We both shout and I nearly tear down the curtain and I glare at Matt, "YOU FUCKING TELL HIM OR SO HELP ME GOD."

"What about you!?" He points at me, and soap gets in my eye, "You tell him about last night!"

"For fuck sake!" Jude booms in exasperation.

"I will, then you are going to tell him the rest, but if he kills me, it is on your head. You have known longer than I have." I am shaking but I duck behind the curtain and rinsing my hair as quickly as possible, "There was a man climbing out of your bedroom window last night when I took the trash cans around last night, Jude. A half naked sailor." I screamed when Jude yanked the fucking curtain and AGAIN it came crashing down.

"What the fuck!" Matt grabbed him and I finally had enough soap out of my hair so I struggled, falling out of the shower as Matt wrestled Jude up against the wall I and I bolted, wet and still hard as iron (what the fuck is that all about anyway?) down the hall to the attic stair to my attic room. I could hear the crashing around, and wet sounds of fists for the entire run up the stairs.

But they didn't yell. I think Matt was really just fending off Jude's emotional fury. Would Jude of hit me? It scares me to think it. Still cold, but finally dressed in damp jeans, since I had no towel, and a t-shirt and socks I sank down on my little sofa in front of my flat screen TV. It was off, and I just stared blankly at it. The boys.

Heaving myself to my feet, I cautiously went down the stairs. The bathroom was quiet, and empty. I made my way to the playroom and found the boys had dozed off. It was late. Their bedroom was a mess again; cleaning up the diapers and wiping down their cribs I put down clean sheets and straightened their beds. I was just carrying Ethan in when Jude appeared in the other doorway that leads to the kitchen. There was grief and anger on his face and something else, hurt? But he tilted his head and I saw love too, for his son, I am sure. But no hate. He walked past me to the playroom and I changed the limp little man, wiping his face with a cloth and slipping him into fresh diapers and pajamas.

Maybe another father or family might have been afraid to have a gay uncle, unrelated to their sons care for them. But, Jude and Kelly had never treated me that way. For which I was eternally grateful. I loved the babies and had they been girls I would have loved them too. It really was about family. They were my sons, my brothers, and my family. And if Kelly left, Jude could not stay here in this house with me. The navy would never allow it. As it was, Kelly had told Matt recently that she was hoping I would move out so I would no longer be an impediment to Jude's career. It could only mean because I was gay.

Jude put little Mathias to bed and I wordlessly went to the kitchen to clean up the days disaster there. Kelly could make a mess; she did feed the boys, but never did the dishes. I do mean, ever. The dishwasher loaded, I filled the sink to begin washing the pans and other odds and ends when Jude appeared beside me, towel in hand. He did this from time to time, usually snapping me with the towel and laughing about something. Matt must have left. I expected an accusation at some point.

"You were afraid to tell me," he said instead. I stiffened in surprise. He was dead on. "Afraid I wouldn't believe you? Get angry with you? Or afraid of what would happen if I did?"

"Both." I admitted. It was a hard admission. If he knew and they split up, with Mom sick, it would have been awful. Mom had just died...hours ago, and it was as if the need to hide the truth passed with her. It couldn't be more awful. "I am really good at being afraid, Jude." I said painfully.

"You didn't seem very afraid upstairs just now." He answered with a short laugh, and I looked up at him. He looked chagrinned; "I can't believe you shouted at us with your dick so hard it looked ready to break." Suddenly he was laughing. "I think you scared Matt half to death."

My cheek twitched and I clenched my jaw, trying quite desperately not to laugh. But, my face was burning. I spun around and searched for a towel, "Is there never a fucking towel in my goddam life?" I gasped when he snapped my ass with the towel. "Hey!" Spinning around I caught the next snap and he chuckled. God, when did I stop lusting after this guy? Um, never. The answer to that loaded question is never. But, I did get over it. "And I was afraid. I was scared to death. But the curtain came down, and...I dunno..."

He smirked and then gasped as he started to laugh again, his laughter came from deep inside him, it was hysterical really. Looking back over the past hour, the insanity that had taken hold of us. "So, which is it, anger or fear that gets you hot, Andy?" His eyes were watering. "Matt was so astounded, I think he told me because you scared him with your ..."

"Yeah, laugh it up there, Carlisle. It wasn't your dick hanging out there in mid fight with two big...argh... we are not gonna talk about this!" I was so red-faced, I felt like my cheeks were on fire. My dick was getting hard talking about it. I went back to the dishes, pressing my stiffening groin against the counter. I am going to not think about my sexy foster cousin. I am not going to remember that he looked at and watched me stand naked and hard in front of him, not looking away.

"It was adrenalin actually." He said matter-of-factly, "Nothin to be embarrassed about. But, Matt will be fun to harass over it. Just," he sobered and was back beside me, his shoulder bumping mine, "Do me a favor, Andy, please?"

I paused and looked up at him, he was watching me with those warm eyes and they were full of hurt and grief, the same grief in mine, "Yeah Jude?"

"Promise me, you'll always be open with me from now on? I'll always trust you." His arm went around my back, "We are family."

Tears leaked out of my eyes, like little streams, his embrace was so warm, so strong, "Always, Jude." I choked out and he pulled me up against him, face to face, holding me in his arms. I've hugged him lightly many times in our life. But never like this. This time, his arms around my shoulders, one hand behind my neck as he pressed my face into the curve of his shoulder and neck, my arms behind him, palms open on his back, hip to hip, groin to groin and my slender chest firmly pressed against the broad plane of his. I was aware of every button on his shirt, pressing into me. Of the buckle on his belt, the pressure of his cock, while not hard exactly, it was not unnoticeable. My knee was between his and his thighs held one of mine and the inside of my other thigh was outside his. I inhaled deeply, indulging in his warm musky male scent, clean and yet end of day musk, for just a single moment. This is the most intimate hug I have ever known.

And I cannot afford to steal more than that moment. I pull away rather stiffly. This is Jude. And nothing on earth will drag my lust out of the darkness of my secret heart. No. I don't want him. I believe that. I am dating Scott, and while we haven't had sex I am not going to develop feelings for Jude based on these emotional times. No. Not.

I turned back to the sink, "Do you want me to take the boys to day care, tomorrow?" We had to resolve some very major issues. It was Wednesday night. I had class tomorrow, while I had the next ten days off from work, for bereavement, I couldn't afford to miss my chemistry test.

"No, it is alright. The Navy has given me 2 weeks leave. I can manage the boys during that time. We have to, " he broke off, sniffing as he dried the cookie sheet, "Have to go down to the planners office and make some funeral decisions when you get home from...class? Work?"

"Can we make it at 11:30? I can have Scott drop me off after English and I can go back for Chemistry at 2. We have a test, it will take a couple of hours." I passed him another pan and he took it.

"Yes, I will call them, that is more than enough time." He took a washcloth as I drained the sink and he started washing the stove as I cleaned the sink. "Kelly said she was going to come by tomorrow and get..."

"Yeah, Okay, well I will have to leave at 8:45. I'll turn my phone on vibrate, call me if you ..." He just nodded, and he was fighting tears. They wouldn't fall. He was a strong man. He was holding it all in. "Jude, do you...I should move out if Kelly is moving out." It maybe was awful to talk about this so soon. But, his career...

"No." He said sharply. "I guess you maybe didn't realize what I said upstairs. I am leaving the Navy. I'll have my discharge in six weeks. I am going to work for West Element," He named the huge contractor that worked in the Naval Shipyard. He worked for them anyway, but if he went to work directly for them the pay would be better. But there had been a time when he was in the navy "for life." His words.

"You love the Navy."

"Not more than my family." He answered and folded the towel. "Not more than you and the boys." He set it down and walked quietly out of the kitchen. I had a hard time staying upright. He didn't mean that way. I knew it. I mean I love him too. He is MY family. We are all each other have now, besides grandpa Ellis. An ornery bastard, Mom's dad, and we loved to hate the idiot. But...we loved him too. He came for Christmas and while he was obnoxious, cussed up a blue streak, he always helped out. He did dishes, fixed the fence, and played with the babies like they were the only human beings on the earth worth his good humor. And he was a bastard about EVERYTHING, but not a word about my being gay. He even gave me love advice.

I really hope I passed that test. After the funeral arrangements I was a wreck. Jude practically had to shove me out of his truck at the school, I was sobbing so hard. He was firm and militant. "Dry up! You have a test to take, you can't fall apart here, kid. Go. Right now." And I went. His forceful attitude was prevalent most of the time actually when it came to anything that needed to get done. Luckily, I didn't work for him and I wasn't the sort to procrastinate when it came to household chores. Mom had taught us that when work was to be done, any energy wasted on not doing it was our own precious free time lost.

Friday morning I woke with the boys, I didn't have a class until 11 am. I had switched off Jude's baby monitor before he went to bed, because I knew he had been up til well after midnight on the phone arguing with Kelly. I was up at six am with them, and by the time I woke Jude at ten, they had had their midmorning snack and were down for a short nap in their playroom on the floor.

He stared at me from his bed as I stood in the door. It was dim in the big room. A room she had ignored the Victorian wall paper and furnished with eighties oak furniture too big and awkward for the room, but I was just realizing how it annoyed me. "Jude, um, okay, I am going to be gone til around four again. The boys have lunch in the frig. K?"

"Yeah, hey, thanks. Wow, I really slept. I never do that. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and we both realized at exactly the same instant-half a second too late-that he was naked. I backed out of the door.

"Okay, see ya later then." I think I got out before he saw my reaction to his morning arousal. Oh god, he was...really big there.

I had that image burned in my mind all day. I am not sure what happened either. Scott was irritated with me because I insisted I had to go home to help with the boys. At least with Kelly I didn't cook. She cooked and I could stay out and clean the kitchen when I got home. But, fuck Scott. Well, actually not. He was supposedly not out of the closet yet and we had met through the shop. But, I was beginning to have doubts. The last time we were alone at his apartment that he shared with his brother we had made out on his bed. I guess he was a decent kisser, but he had pretty rapidly pushed me down. I had blown him, something I have gotten more practice at than anything else. I once vowed I was not going to be some guys cocksucker ever again. I got caught up in a stupid relationship once in high school. It hadn't ended furiously or anything. The guy had understood when I said I just couldn't only be that for him. But Scott had sworn to me he was gay...but...something. He jacked me off with his hand but had not kissed me good night. I guess...I should know better.

Now he was mad. My mom just died, my cousin/brother was getting divorced and he was complaining that he was horny and what good was a boyfriend who never...I went home.

He called me as I was walking in the door, "You're not fucking your cousin are you?" He asked me harshly.

"NO, for god sake Scott. There is just a lot to take care of before the funeral." I said fiercely and I absently picked up Matty's trucks off the mudroom floor. "Please don't be this way."

"You know it's just that I am your boyfriend and I need you to take care of me," He whined. What? My boyfriend?

"Boyfriend? You're the one who said you weren't ready for that!" I blurted out and looking up I watched as Jude watched me from the dining room where he was sitting with Matt. Oh. Shit. Big huge dick. Yeah. Fuck! I blushed and closed the dining room door.

"Maybe if we had sex more often I would be!" He yelled.

What the fuck! "So, it is all about sex! You can't care that my Mom just died! Scott please...oh never mind..." I said when he just cursed at me, "Um, I am going to hang up now."

"Don't you dare you fucking faggot!" OH MY GOD.

The dining room door opened, and Jude was standing there. What the hell? I closed it for privacy. He frowned at me.

"I ..."

Scott was yelling obscenities at me. I closed my phone. He had been using me. OH, how easy I was. I closed my eyes against Jude's piercing look. I had had that boys dick in my mouth, one, two, three, FOUR times he had cum in my mouth and once the first time, in my hand! I wanted to be sick. "I can't talk right now, I am going to throw up." I rushed past Jude to the toilet. I don't know why it upset me so much. Was it because I was so gullible? Or was it because it made me feel dirty? Both? I love sucking cock, but...and this is a big but, I hate doing it for someone I don't care about and that doesn't care about me. Other guys might get off on the humiliation. They might just enjoy the dick for the sake of it. I do, but being used just kills something inside of me.

I stood in the hall bathroom above the toilet, trying to decide if I should puke, because I almost felt like I could when Jude, when had he become so pushy and worried about me, pushed the door open and stood there looking at me. "Was that your boyfriend?"

I fell to my knees and puked my guts out. I was gasping, panting and retching and Jude grabbed a towel and wet it in the little pedestal sink, and knelt behind me. The heat from his legs seemed to surround me as he drew me back and wiped my face. His hands supported me, cupping my shoulders until the convulsions stopped and he flushed the toilet, wiping my face a second time, he tossed the towel on the floor and closed the toilet sitting me down on it.

"He isn't...is NOT my boyfriend." I whispered fiercely, my throat raw.

Humiliation of all humiliations, Matt appeared in the doorway. "Is he okay?"

I looked from one to the other, these big handsome navy guys who had always been kind to me, but never really...you know, my friends, were worried about me. It felt like I had just lost control of my life entirely. "It has been a rough few days for all of us," Jude answered. "I take it his boyfriend is being a selfish prick."

"He isn't my boyfriend," I insisted.

"You seemed to really be into him last week," Matt countered. "Seemed nice enough, a little..."

"He was using me." I said defeated. "He didn't want to be my boyfriend last week, because he wasn't `out' but this week, when I don't suck his dick often enough suddenly I am being a bad boyfriend." I can't believe I SAID that.

Jude didn't even look at me; he just dropped his chin to his chest and sucked in a harsh breath before standing up and walking out of the bathroom.

"TMI!" Matt wailed and stepped out of the way, "But Andy, you deserve better. Better off without the fucker."

"Yeah." I muttered and sniffed. "Couldja, close the door, please Matt?" He did. I spent another ten minutes feeling sorry for myself. Finally I came out just as the pizza delivery guy was arriving. They didn't look at me, and I felt like shit for being so...obnoxious. So, I went into the playroom, and cleaned up. It made me feel better. I avoided the kitchen and dining room, but put away the boys laundry, ran the vacuum really quickly in the hall and living room and tossed all the books back on the shelves. Then I went upstairs to shower. I passed out on my bed, in my boxers after showering.

"Andy." His voice. Jude is in my bedroom.

I rolled over shivering. Damn where did the blanket go?

"Andy!"

I woke up with a start and looked over my shoulder. In the dim light from the hallway there was Jude, "Uh, yeah?" I looked around awkwardly, I was laying on the blanket.

"Sorry, but that moron keeps calling the house phone. I want to tell him to go fuck himself. I really do, or beat his ass. But..." He hands me the phone.

"Wait." I say, but it wasn't necessary he is standing there. "Scott? Go fuck yourself." I click the phone off. "Thanks Jude." I hand him back the phone and he just grins at me.

"Can we have breakfast together? Mrs. Wellers is going to come get the boys for the day, so we can get things done. I just want to...you know, talk about stuff." He sits on my bed.

Pulling my legs up, I grab my pillow and automatically place it over my now responding member. What the hell is the matter with me? Well, my ego answers, Jude never has come up to your room before when you finished telling him about being a cocksucker. Nor have you ever in recent memory been living alone with him. Waking him up. Seeing his bigger than yours, which means huge, fat cock first thing in the morning. "Of course." I finally say. Why is he just sitting there?

"You okay, Jude?"

"How long were you doing all the housework, Andy?" He looked over at me, a weird expression on his face. Was that disgust?

"Its not cause I am gay!" I blurt out, "I always helped Mom! We all did, and as she got sicker-"

"You took care of my sons, Andy. You cleaned up after them, did our dishes. Washed our laundry. The receipts from the Dry Cleaner have your initials on them. How long have you been like...doing my wife's job?"

It was a weird feeling. I mean a really weird feeling. It was a sinking feeling and a rush of sensation too. It washed over me, the way he said wife. Like, asking me how long I had been a stand in for his wife. His mate. I am gay, and quite distinctly a bottom to be-not ever having actually been ...well lets just say I suck cock at that is something I am great at. But the rest is just a fantasy.

"Mom went into the hospital last month, Jude. I don't know when it happened. I don't know when I started doing more and more. I just did. You were gone, sometimes overnight. Grandpa Ellis came and stayed over the holidays and left, I don't know, the last week of January. He helped with the boys too." I kind of feel scared about it all of a sudden. I wasn't trying to be his wife. I was just ...doing what had to be done. "I was just doing what had to be done, Jude. Please don't think I was trying to -"

"Fuck, Andy. I am not mad at you." He said suddenly. "I just...you know, thought I would miss her more. Then you come home and quietly take care of shit and I realize. I see it. I look around, and there is food in the frig for the boys, laundry done. Clean towels and you bring in the mail and take out the trash and what the hell did she do?"

"She cooked. And.." Well, she slept with him. I wasn't sleeping with Jude.

"You did everything. She cooked, but not often. She brought home ready made meals from provisions, I pay the bill every month." Heat from his body was the only warmth in the room, and the rain was gone, it was a clear night my room was icy. I shivered.

"I haven't fucked her in months, so in almost every way imaginable, I have been married to you." He laughed harshly and stood up. "I better go so you can sleep. Fuck, it is cold in here." He finally looked over at me, and I was staring at him. I don't know what he saw. But all I could think of was what he said about being married to me. All he had to do was fuck me, and he is right, I would be his ...I couldn't breathe. "G'nite."

I wanted to spread my legs and beg him to stay. The pillow was fisted in my hands as I held on for dear life. I literally could not have said no if he touched me. He paused at the end of the bed. But as the light was from the hall stair, I couldn't see his expression just that he stared at me for a long minute an his hand slowly clenched before he turned and trotted down the stairs.

I burrowed under my down comforter, covering my head and I groaned into my pillow. I've known Jude since I was 13 years old. I have lived in this house with him since the end of my sophomore year in high school. Yeah, he left on a six month deployment that year, but... he has been home the entire time afterward. I finished a year and a half of high school with he and Mom attending my school conferences. He wrote my sick notes. He drove me to my doctor's appointments. He wasn't exactly paternal, but I certainly wasn't having jack off fantasies about him.

Was I?