Hound of God

The Hound of God By: Edwin e.

Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are offended by stories involving male/male relationships, or in an area that prohibits your viewing of such material. This story is copyrighted to me, Edwin e, so don't reproduce it without my permission.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone (other than myself) is entirely coincidental.

READ: There is a little bit of Spanish in this story. For any non-Spanish speakers out there, an English translation follows in brackets. Peace.

Part VIII: beautiful world/'concluding postscript' ('epilogue' to you non-Kierkegaard fans)

"I also am a man." A young gay man: hell, a HURT young gay man at that. My history with bitterness throughout my life has been chronicled as rather mild. Well fuck that! If Dominic can fuck around with some guy at a party, then I can do the same with my best friend, right? Right.

Nine blocks to go...

I'm not bitter and angry because he slept with some schmuck; after all, I'm not so far gone as to have an irrational understanding of our relationship. Dominic and I were no longer together, thereby guaranteeing his right to move on however he saw fit. Though I hoped that our relationship had existed above the realm of triviality, the possibility of its having been unmemorable, at least on his part... always remained devastatingly plausible. Had he genuinely moved on (no matter how or with whom), I would have been hurt - no doubt about that. But I would have gotten over it.

Seven blocks...

The fierce unfairness is that despite it all, he still wants to be with me. How can I get over anything if I'm still irreducibly involved? How can I move past the thought of him with someone else if our feelings continue to drag us toward one another? Even the smallest hope of reconciliation would force me to deal with what he did during our "break" - to perhaps offer some sort of forgiveness for transgressions rendered. And if I'm still in the picture (as he seems to want me to be) then there is no questioning the transgression; break or no, Dominic betrayed the idea. It is the idea that saves us... Wow, now I know why Rachel was so pissed off with Ross in Season 3 of 'Friends.'

Five blocks...

But forget it. What's that tired old saying, "to err is human, to forgive divine"? Lately I've felt that people have misunderstood that axiom. There's a reason why forgiveness is given that adjective: not as a testament to the nobility of offering clemency, but because it's hard, if not impossible, for humans (the most profane and base of beings) to grant it. And I don't have to, not with Gabriel here.

Four blocks...

It seems so obvious now: Gabriel and I make sense. Or at least more sense than Dominic and me. Dominic and I had four and a half months under our belt - of which only about two months were spent as a "couple." There can be no denying the intensity of that short time, but Gabriel and I have more than two years of history between us. And with the recent revelation of his interest in me, there's a chance of us having just as memorable an experience together.

Three blocks...

After all, Gabriel and I are so much alike - and not just on big things. It's obvious we both share a love of music, family, public service, and apparently guys. But it's the little commonalities that come rushing to mind: we both have a debilitating fear of dogs and televangelists; we both shun exotic fruit (I can't stand coconuts and he runs away from pineapples); we're both right-handed but bat lefty whenever we play baseball; we're both obsessively compulsive when it comes to oral hygiene, etc, etc. Aren't the little things what matter - what everyone claims form the very best of good relationships?

Two blocks...

Dominic and I never had anything like that; we were relative strangers who just had... an incredible passion for each other. Oy... That's got to be left aside. Dominic made a choice - plain and simple. And he may be yearning to ignore this small fact but I won't: every choice is the death of all other possibilities. Even worse, it is the birth of (sometimes) lamentable consequences. I can't be one of those people who just rollover and forgive on the hope that things will work out in the end. I mean, my God! I'm no idiot.

One block...

Yes: Gabriel it is. It has to be.........

Well, Gabriel it would have been if the little fucker were home. It's odd too: Wednesday is the one day out of the week he gets the house all to himself on account of his parents both working late that day. He never takes that for granted - always staying home. So of course when I needed him to be home, he wasn't there. Figures.

I called his house as soon as I got home, but got no answer. Then I called his cell phone - same result. I'm not the type of person who calls every ten minutes and ends up sounding all stalkerish, so I just left two messages - one at home and one on his cell - and waited. A decision had been made on my part, and for some reason, I felt a great need to have it fulfilled soon.

But he didn't call that day; and he didn't show up to school the next. I wasn't worried or anything, just a little frustrated. I really needed to see him. I figured I'd see him Friday, but I should have known something was going to prevent me from doing so. I ended up catching a horrible cold on Thursday. I was coughing and sneezing all-fuckin' night; I'm telling you it was gross. So of course, my parents didn't see it right for me to go to school on Friday - can't infect all my classmates, now can I?

Still unwilling to leave any more messages, I just hoped that Gabriel would call me after school. Fortunately, he did. Unfortunately, it was to tell me that his family and he were going to visit an aunt in LA for the weekend, so we wouldn't be able to talk until Monday.

When it rains, it pours, I guess.

The problem with waiting was that I had a sinking feeling that Time could somehow fuck up the conclusions I had come to. Spending the weekend by myself would only give me time to think; and thinking can be such a confusing enterprise. I'm aware of the fact that I have a tendency to overanalyze - that's always a danger anytime I make heavy choices. But I didn't want to think about this anymore: I wanted Gabriel, period.

For the most part, I was able to keep my mind off the little triangle I found myself in. I watched a whole crapload of mindless TV and spent quite a bit of time shopping. Not exactly a productive weekend, but it got the job done. When I went to bed Sunday night, I still had a stranglehold on my desire to be with Gabriel. I actually went to bed pretty content. But it seemed my subconscious was pissed at my unwillingness to think my situation entirely through; I had such a disconcerting dream that night.

Well, a disconcerting feeling was all that remained for I didn't quite remember the dream. I knew there were several beating hearts bleeding torrents of blood. And I remember a dove flying erratically in my direction.

UN PALOMITO AL VOLAR/QUE LLEVABA EL PECHO HERIDO/YA CASI PARA LLORAR/ME DIJO MUY AFLIGIDO/YA ME CANSO DE BUSCAR/UN AMOR CORRESPONDIDO. [A little dove upon flying/Bearing a wounded breast/Was about to cry/And told me very afflicted/'I'm tired of searching/For a mutual love'].

That song excerpt repeated itself throughout the dream - that fact I knew for sure. I may be no dream expert, and I may only have had a few bits and pieces, but it was enough to come up with a general interpretation. Keep in mind that I come from a very superstitious family where dreams and coincidences are not taken lightly. My mother sometimes said I was "medio brujo" - she claims I got it from my grandmother. Either way, it seems my mind wasn't 100% behind the choice I was willing to make.

So when Gabriel finally came to my house on Monday, the steadfastness of intention I once possessed was gone.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" He asked as we walked into my room. "From your messages it sounded kinda urgent."

"Make a choice, damn it!" I thought to myself.

"I've come to a decision," I said.

"About what?"

"About this." I walked right up to him, grab bed the back of his head and drew him into a kiss. Gabriel definitely seemed taken aback. No turning back now; I tried to unbutton his shirt, though my trembling fingers were making that difficult. But it turns out my efforts were moot.

"What are you doing?" He asked me as he gently separated himself from our lip lock.

"Isn't it kinda obvious?" I smiled. But the sad look on his face caused my smile to vanish pretty quickly. "What's up? I thought you'd be happy about this."

"I thought you needed time to figure stuff out," he said in a bit of an awkward tone.

"Well I did," I countered somewhat carefully. "And this is the result." Again, I took hold and kissed him. But much to my chagrin, he pulled away again.

"I can't," he said. Not exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.

"Why the hell not?" I asked with obvious frustration; things were not going my way. "You were the one who just last week said that you were looking to fool around and that you'd be happy with however much of me you had. Well, here I am, man - so what's changed?"

"I have," he said simply as he sat down at my desk chair.

"In a week?"

"Why not? Apparently you have," he responded with a cynical smile. I sat down at the edge of my bed, facing the opposite wall quietly shaking my head.

"I can't believe this," I muttered under my breath. "I swear, I'll probably die of shock if things started going my way." I turned to face Gabriel after an unbelievably awkward silence. "So are you going to tell me why?"

"Do you want the long version or the short version?" He smiled as he sat next to me and took my hands in his.

"Whichever will get me to understand," I answered.

"After last week, I was really hoping that you'd come back soon and say that you wanted to give us a try," he began. "But after one day, I was getting kinda stir crazy just sitting at the house and waiting; I needed to distract myself for a bit. So on Wednesday when I would usually stay home, I took up my mom's invitation to attend her lecture on The Saint's Paradox."

"What's The Saint's Paradox?" I interrupted.

"Huh? Oh, it's just the idea that saints will happily endure what they weep to see others endure. The whole 'riches in poverty, happiness in sorrow, joy in pain' mentality," he said.

"That sounds pretty cool," I resigned.

"Not to me," he smiled. "But while we were walking on campus, I saw a flyer for a talk that was about to start at the Gay Center. Something about 'Being Young and Gay.' So I told my mom I'd walk around campus instead of listening to her lecture and she agreed. I ended up going to that talk."

"So how was it?"

"Ha! Well, it was... interesting," he began as he chuckled. "Actually, let me be honest: I didn't like it. It was just some old man who was making a really bad attempt at impersonating one of those motivational speaker-type guys. He just gave all these empty platitudes and shit. But I gotta give him credit, lots of people seemed to be quite taken by him.

"But not you?" I asked smiling. I liked it when Gabriel was kinda crass and rude.

"It's just that all the useless drivel he was saying wasn't helpful to me - maybe to others, but not to me. I couldn't see him as anything other than a patronizing 40-year-old with an obvious savior-complex."

"Ha-ha! That's harsh," I laughed. Wow, I'm laughing; that's pretty good considering Gabriel just rejected me. Speaking of which, "Okay, can you skip to how this affects us?"

"Okay, I'm sorry," he said before taking a deep breath - perhaps to try and form his thoughts. "When I was walking back to meet my mom I just kept thinking about what I did need - because this Canadian hadn't helped at all. I can't say that I came up with anything really deep or earth shattering, but I did acknowledge that I'm really happy with how my life is right now."

"Oh... I get it," I said once a thought hit me. "You don't want to rock the boat."

"I am still in love with you, Edwin," he made sure to say reassuringly. "But I love having you as my friend, too. And having that choice is hard - ya know, do we take the friendship further or not? How do we make the choice?"

"Oh, so it's 'we' now?" I muttered. He kind of smiled but still shot me a quick glance.

"Fair enough," he conceded. "But if I'm really happy now - and I am - then why make a choice that would change that? Even though a huge part of me wants to go for it, I can only act on the possible danger in doing so."

For a second, I just sat there and thought about what he was saying. Even if I didn't like it, which I didn't, there wasn't much I could do. If this truly was Gabriel's final choice, then I can't stand in the way of that; I cannot prevent someone's right to make a conscious choice. After all, that was my first problem with Dominic: he had every right to tell his parents about his sexuality, but the moment he mentioned my name he took away my freedom of choice - my right to come out to anyone on my own terms.

"Where do we go from here, then?" I finally asked.

"Well, we stay best friends and we become even closer. We still help each other out with our problems, except now we can do so with fewer secrets between us," he smiled. He stood up from the bed and sat back down at my desk chair.

"I guess it must be nice to be at a point where you're so happy you can forego making any choices that would change that," I said while trying to hide my bitter envy. He leaned on the desk and looked me in the eye.

"I really do see the unfairness here: I probably shouldn't have kissed you last week and said all the things I said - even though I meant them with everything that's in me. But I really do think this is better," he reassured.

"You know, it was never my plan to come out to anyone; it's just been one disappointment after another," I said with a slight tremor in my voice, somewhat ignoring his attempts at getting me to see the bright side. "I hate it when shit is so damn hard." He came back to the bed and put his arm around my shoulder.

"Hey, it'll be okay," he began quietly. "I know this isn't entirely about us, okay? I'm not going to ask you what else is going on, because it doesn't really matter. But I will be here to help you through it, just as you've been there for me." I smiled a little and put my head on his shoulder. "Remember when I failed that math midterm last year and I was so upset about it?"

"Yeah."

"Do you remember your advice?" He asked. "You said: 'Don't worry about it, there's always time for things to work out in the end.'"

"You sure I said that? Cuz that sounds like some pretty weak advice," I chuckled.

"I kinda said the same thing," he laughed. "And then you thought a little bit and said: 'Situations like these are meant as grindstones. We can either be polished up by them, or completely worn down. It all depends on what we're made of.'"

"This is different than just a failed test though," I tried to argue.

"Yeah, but the idea is the same," he pressed compassionately. "When you take the time to think through everything that's going on, your subsequent choices are going to show what you're truly made of; it'll show what a decent, good, and amazing man you are."

"You know I don't take compliments well," I said as I leaned back to lie down on the bed. "Besides, even good people can make bad choices - choices that can hurt themselves and others."

"Yeah," he agreed, lying down beside me. "But, consequences aside, what's the alternative to making a well thought out choice?"

"Ignoring it?" I asked, giving an ironic smile. "I just want to forget all the drama and shit and go back to the way things were. Can't I just build a wall and live my old life behind it?"

"Well, you could," he said. "But you'll eventually have to deal with the fact that it's not your old life - it's your current one with a wall around it." One of the great things about Gabriel is that he's not a brick wall: you come to him with a problem and he won't just sit there and listen - he'll give you his take even if it challenges your own. We just lay there for a few minutes as I pondered our little discussion.

"Well, I think that's enough talk for one day," I said as I got up. The silence wa s getting kind of uncomfortable. "I think I should think things through, as you said."

"Alright," he smiled as we walked downstairs and headed to the front door. "Remember Edwin, nothing ever stays the same. If things have to change, you might as well try and make them change on your own terms." With that he gave me a quick hug and headed home.

So my course of action didn't quite go as planned. Rather than escaping to Gabriel, I had to actually deal with everything going on with Dominic. Despite the good advice from my best friend, I hadn't a clue where to begin. Like I said, I can overanalyze like no other, but I didn't want to when it came to this.

Several weeks passed and I was miserable. There was no progress - on any front. I didn't exactly avoid Dominic, but I didn't go out of my way to talk to him either. And he did the same; I assumed he just figured I needed a whole lot of time to deal with his admitted indiscretion. But there was something else going on than just overcoming an act of youthful transgression, something much more profound was gnawing at my desire to get back with him - countering my will for a relationship.

Dominic and I may have smiled to each other in Civics, but mine was continually strained. Our random conversations at lunch or in the hallways remained polite, but not too substantive. Gabriel kept trying to cheer me up, but my unwillingness to divulge any information regarding my problems made it kind of difficult for him to be of any real help. So I spent my days in the fog of perpetual confusion, just praying for the day when I would know what to do.

Then things became much clearer in late March when I got the best news of my life. After 13 years of careful academic planning, including 4 years of a seemingly unmanageable high school curriculum, I learned that I had been accepted to Stanford University. Of course I was happy because of what this meant for my future, but the real joy came in seeing the reaction of my parents when I told them the news: they hugged me and they cried and they clamored around the house calling all my uncles and aunts to share the news. But unless raised in similar circumstances, it may be hard to truly understand what this meant for them. After all, they left Mexico with only an 8th grade education and little money; they left behind the vast majority of their family; they left the very security of their culture. But now it all seemed worth it: their son was going to Stanford. Their sacrifice had not been in vain.

There's that word again. Sacrifice...

After all this time in this unforgiving country, there was such an explosion of hope and relief in my house. My family was really, truly happy. It was at that moment that my decision regarding Dominic was made.

A few days later, on Friday April 1st, I started walking toward Dominic's house. I didn't know if he would be home, I was just hoping he would. As I walked and walked, I tried to rehearse everything I was going to say. But I knew that once I got there, I would end up rambling and forgetting quite a bit of my prepared speech.

YO QUIERO QUE ME COMPRENDAS/LO QUE AHORA VOY A DECIRTE/MAS ESPERO QUE ME ENTIENDAS/QUE NO ES MI INTENCION HERIRTE. [I want you to comprehend/What I'm about to tell you/Plus I hope you understand/That it is not my intention to hurt you].

At the very least, I hoped Dominic could understand that thought.

When I could see his house in the distance, a bit of nerves began to kick in. But I was determined - well, as determined as one could be given the situation. So when I got to the door, I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. I was a little surprised to see Dominic's mom answer the door (I thought she'd be at work or something).

"Edwin, hello!" She exclaimed. "Come in! Come in!"

"Um, hello ma'am. Is Dominic home?" I asked a little nervously as she led me into the house.

"Oh you just missed him: he stepped out to the grocery store for a second. But he should be home in a few minutes," she answered.

"Oh, that's okay. I'll just come back later then," I responded quickly while turning to leave.

"Oh nonsense!" She smiled. "Have a seat on the couch. Would you like anything to drink while you wait?"

"Um, I'll just have some water, thank you," I said, as my mouth was indeed rather dry. When I first met Dominic's parents, I didn't see the cold people he had once described. But I also didn't see this cheerfully polite lady in front of me. I was grateful when she handed me the glass of water, but disconcerted when she sat down on the seat opposite me. She had me cornered.

"This is quite a surprise, we haven't seen you around here in ages," she said with a small smile on her face.

"Yeah... I just needed to talk to Dominic about something. It's important," I stammered. Her gaze was so intense that I couldn't keep eye contact for too long; I kept darting back and forth between her face and the little knickknacks in the living room. Then she leaned forward a little and her smile left.

"You know, Dominic told us about... you two," she almost whispered.

"I know, ma'am."

"He also told us that you two have had some problems because of that," she continued.

"Well, not just because of that... but that's right ma'am," I said. Her smile returned.

"Please, call me Rachel," she said as she gave a quick laugh.

"I'm sorry, but if my parents knew I called an adult by their first name, they'd be severely disappointed," I smiled broadly.

"I understand," she smiled back. The warmness in her voice was really freaking me out. But by the way she kept looking at me I could tell she wanted to talk more seriously. She took a deep breath before continuing. "I don't know if you knew, but when Dominic was young, he was such a sensitive child. He would get upset when he saw a dead bird in the park, or when anyone he knew got teased at school. And he always told his father and me everything. He would come home after school and tell us every detail of his day; he was so cute... would you like some more water?" She asked as I finished the glass she had given me.

"Oh, no thank you, ma'am," I said. I was much too interested in what she had to say to get her distracted. She smiled and continued with her story.

"Then around the 7th grade, this was still when we were back in Texas, he just changed. He started getting into sports and he made new friends with the 'popular crowd.' He was growing up into a very handsome young man. But what I remember most about that time was that he stopped talking to us - almost completely. He just became so very distant," she said. There was a twinge of sadness in her voice. "My husband just thought it was puberty, you know, going through changes that he didn't want to discuss with his parents. What kid does, right? And I just accepted that. The house became really quiet after that; Dominic would just go to his room after school and spend most of his time on the phone. When we told him we were moving to California, I thought he'd be upset because he had made lots of friends at his high school. But he seemed very okay with the idea of moving out here..."

She took a moment to smile at me. I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Even here he managed to make fast friends and become 'popular,'" she continued. "He still wouldn't talk to us though. His teachers were the ones who had to call us and tell us about his bullying other students and acting up in class sometimes. It kind of surprised us, to tell you the truth. He had this obnoxious and cocky attitude at school, but here he was always quiet and reserved. He just seemed so unhappy. But then..." She stopped.

"Then?" I found myself asking in anticipation. I must have sounded a little eager because she smiled wide and chuckled a little. I couldn't help it; I found all of this fascinating. Even when we were together, Dominic didn't talk much about himself.

"Then, I take it, you came along," she said. "The second he started going to your tutoring sessions, he seemed livelier around here. He wasn't really talking to us a whole lot more, but he definitely had a sunnier disposition than before. But by mid-December, something had d efinitely changed. He would run down the stairs with excitement; he would give me a kiss on the cheek as I ate breakfast; he would ask his father how work was going. He hadn't been this affectionate or open in years. At first my husband and I thought it was drugs, but Dominic assured us it wasn't. Of course, he wouldn't admit that anything was different... Later on, he said that was around the time you two got together, right?"

"Yes, ma'am," I acknowledged as my gaze went to floor. Though I was interested to learn more about Dominic, I didn't want to discuss our relationship with his mother - who knows what I would say.

"When Dominic told us he was gay, my husband and I were both shocked," she continued. "Maybe having lived in Texas so long we had some preconceived notions on what a gay teenager would be like. And Dominic didn't fit that mold. But I guess in a way it made sense: why he had stopped talking to us, why he worked so hard to be popular and athletic, why he acted out in class. He was trying his best to be a "typical" teenager. And although my husband and I were confused at the sudden news, we could both acknowledge that at least Dominic was sharing with us again; he trusted us.

"My husband and I are new to being parents of a gay teenager," she said after a brief pause. "We're not entirely sure how to help him through his relationship troubles... Dominic probably shouldn't have told us you were gay if you hadn't yet told anyone. But he feels terrible about that, and all else that happened since then. He's been upset for months now, Edwin."

"These months haven't been easy for me either, ma'am," I interrupted. Though her tone was congenial, I didn't want her to think I had somehow gone through this entire ordeal unscathed.

"I know," she responded warmly. "But my son cares about you so very much. And though he won't say it, I know he thinks you don't care about him anymore."

"He should never think that," I whispered.

"Then tell him so," she smiled. "I know that your coming here doesn't necessarily bode well for you two. But despite the reputation he has at school, he really is a sensitive young man; he's a good boy. I just don't want his heart to break too much." By this time her eyes drifted down. She looked very sad, not necessarily to the point of tears, but almost there. I stood up and quickly sat beside her.

"If I had the power to spare your son any pain, I'd do it in a heartbeat," I consoled. "Despite it all, Dominic holds such an important place in my heart."

"But?" She smiled.

"But Donne is right: we are not islands unto ourselves. The question at hand is not what I feel for your son: there's no denying that I love him. But the issue is whether or not I can show expression of that love. Now, I still don't know the words to explain everything, so I'm sure it's all confusing. But... but I can't just think of our feelings - as if he and I are the only ones that would be affected." Though I barely grasped the thoughts in my head, she smiled rather knowingly. I didn't get it. Then the door opened and Dominic came through with his focus on the grocery bag that his hand and eyes were searching through.

"Hey mom!" He called out stopping just inside the door, obviously not seeing her in the living room. "They didn't have the cookies you wanted so I just got the cheap stuff." Once he finished scavenging through the bag, he seemed rather shocked to find me in the living room talking to his mom. My eyes met his, and I sensed some worry.

"Well, let me take that bag," Rachel said as she stood up smiling and took the grocery bag. "Why don't you two go to your room, Dominic?" She gave me one last comforting look and headed to the kitchen. With no words Dominic headed up to his room and gestured for me to follow him.

"How are you?" He asked me as he closed the door.

"I'm okay. How about you?"

"Things go," he replied. We both stood there for a second before continuing. "So... what are you doing here?"

"I can't beat around the bush with you," I sighed. "We can only be friends." The news was like a punch to the face: his reaction was instant and clear. His shoulders slumped and he wouldn't make eye contact.

"God, I've been trying to prepare myself for this, but I guess I didn't do a good job at it," he said in a quivering voice as he made his way to the bed. "I guess you couldn't forgive me, huh?"

"That's not really it Dominic," I said taking a seat next to him. "I'll be honest with you: I'm still having trouble dealing with what you did, but I'm confident that as friends, I'll get passed it. But we can't be... together."

"Why not?" He looked at me.

"Because I'm just not ready, and you are," I answered. "It's as simple and as complicated as that. When we first got together, I didn't know what to expect. And as we spent more time with each other, and I allowed myself to feel everything I felt for you, I was really happy. I'm sure there were times when we were both on the same page - feeling the same things and thinking the same thoughts. But everything that's happened these past few months just goes to show that we're at different points with all this."

"Edwin, I swear I won't tell anyone about us," he somewhat pleaded. "If you want to keep us a secret, we can totally do that."

"No," I said resolutely. "That wouldn't be fair to you at all. You can't compromise on what you feel is right just as I can't compromise on my duty, not unless we're both entirely able. I tried telling your mom this, but it didn't come out quite right. Relationships affect more than just the two in them. And I feel this overwhelming obligation to think long and hard about how something between you and me would affect those around me. Because the hard reality is that our diverging perspectives will eventually come back to the fore again. And I don't think I could take it if they did."

"It's just... we've come so far," he said. "It took so much nerve for me to finally act on my feelings for you. And we've both worked hard to get something going between us. I love you, I really do. And I don't want to lose you."

"Hey," I said as I rested the sides of our head together while sitting next to him. "I'm not leaving. I can't imagine going these last few months of high school without you in my life; it would kill me to see you and not be able to talk to you because of this. We were never friends Dominic: we were strangers and then a couple. A friendship with you is the best possible scenario in my eyes; remember what I said before: 'limited options and truncated alternatives.'"

"Just friends..." He repeated quietly. "And what if I can't accept that?"

"That would be well within your right," I answered seriously. "It would definitely hurt me, but I can't stop you from making a choice if you've really set your mind to it."

"You do realize this is going to take some time, right?" He said looking at me with unfettered resignation.

"I know Dominic," I said, putting my arm around his shoulder and giving a gentle squeeze. "As hard as it's been, I've made a choice. I guess it's your turn now... I should probably go then, let you think."

He didn't try to stop me as we both stood up and he walked me to the front door. Even though I truly felt there was no other course of action on my part, I still felt rather shitty. Looking back I could see his mom peering behind the corner to see how things had gone. When my eyes met hers, I suddenly remembered something she mentioned in our little talk. I turned around walked right up to Dominic and, taking his face in my hands, I kissed him as intimately as I could. After holding him like that for a few seconds, I pulled away and whispered in his ear: "Never believe for a moment that I don't love you." Just before I turned to walk away, I saw a small smile cross his face. Considering all that came before, I took it as a good sign.

I was so scared that Dominic had chosen to forego any sort of friendship; after a week at school, he still hadn't talked to me. I can't say that I blamed the poor guy. Plus, I guess in my masochistic worldview, I figured it was just for me to be feeling like shit too. However, slow ly and surely things began to progress. First there were the small nods of acknowledgment in class and in the halls. Then came the smiles and bits of small talk every once in a while. After a couple more weeks he was having lunch with Gabriel and me just about everyday.

There was always a hint of despair on Dominic's face whenever we interacted in a friendly manner. Or maybe it was hope; the two are so hard to disentangle. But we made the best of it, in my opinion. Our friendship never got to the level as Gabriel but it was still nice. We talked a lot more in school, joked around, and sometimes even went to the movies and stuff (with Gabriel, of course). Actually, I was surprised at how well those two got along once the tension between the three of us became nominally diffused. No one had any cause to worry: as far as each was concerned, Friendship was the closest relationship any of us would get with one another.

There was always a semblance of peace with all of us.

The final weeks of school were so damn hectic! Everyone was worried about finals and making summer plans and getting ready for graduation. It took me forever to finally finish writing my damn speech for the ceremony; though I didn't quite make it to Valedictorian (thanks Stephanie... bitch), as a Salutatorian I was given the "honor" to speak as well. All these final plans kept everyone rather busy: I was only able to see Gabriel and Dominic during school hours. But again, there was peace.

The last day of class finally arrived. I don't know how other schools are, but since graduation takes place on a Saturday morning, Friday is off for seniors so we can have rehearsal for the ceremony. Therefore, Thursday is the last actual school day for seniors. There was definitely excitement in the air as we all walked through school knowing we'd never have to come back. All the classes were cake - with finals out of the way, we pretty much had small parties in each class. Except of course for Civics.

Mrs. Adams, the old battleaxe, wasn't fond of taking any time out for fun. So she had us sit at our regular seats and began to give us advice for what to expect in college. I'm sure the old broad meant well, but we were all kind of annoyed. Fortunately, she must have sensed our obvious frustration and began asking us about our summer plans; at least this kept the atmosphere much more lighthearted. Most everyone talked about how they'd be partying all summer while others said they'd travel a bit. When she asked me about my plans, I mentioned how I signed up for a summer program at Stanford to help get a head start on some general education requirements. No one seemed to think that was interesting because they just kept talking amongst themselves. But I did happen to notice that Dominic stiffened a bit. And when I mentioned that the program was for the entire summer - beginning right after graduation - I saw a noticeable change in his facial expression.

The following day after graduation rehearsal I received a text message from Dominic. It was pretty simple - just telling me to go to his house at 3 o'clock. Apparently his parents had gone to pick up his grandmother for graduation and he needed to talk to me. Hmmm...

As I walked up to Dominic's door, I somewhat dreaded what it was he wanted to talk to me about. These past couple of months hadn't exactly gone the way either of us had dreamed. Nevertheless, you live with the hand you're dealt. So why this invitation - why now, so close to graduation?

"Come in!" Someone called out after I rang the doorbell. I opened the door and was surprised to find that Dominic wasn't the only person in the room. It took me a second to recognize the other four faces: they were from the Mariachi group I had hired all those months ago for the serenade, though now they were dressed in regular street clothes. But seeing their instruments in hand, a surprised smile found its way onto my face. Dominic stood to their left, though smiling, looking a little nervous. He motioned for me to take a seat on the couch just as the small quartet began playing "Si Nos Dejan" [If they leave us].

For the record, I love this song. How Dominic knew that, or if he had known at all, I don't know. As he not so calmly took his place in front of the musicians, I felt a little flutter in my stomach. That flutter grew and grew as he began to sing.

SI NOS DEJAN/NOS VAMOS A QUERER TODA LA VIDA/SI NOS DEJAN/NOS VAMOS A VIVIR A UN MUNDO NUEVO/YO CREO PODEMOS VER EL NUEVO AMANECER/DE UN NUEVO DIA/YO PIENSO QUE TU Y YO PODEMOS SER FELICES TODAVIA. [If they leave us/We're going to love each other the rest of our lives/If they leave us/We'll go to live in a new world/I believe we'll see the new dawn/Of a new day/I believe that you and I can still be happy].

SI NOS DEJAN/BUSCAMOS UN RINCON CERCA DEL CIELO/SI NOS DEJAN/HAREMOS CON LAS NUBES TERCIOPELO/Y AHI JUNTITOS LOS DOS CERQUITA DE DIOS/SERA LO QUE SONAMOS/SI NOS DEJAN/TE LLEVO DE LA MANO CORAZON Y AHI NOS VAMOS. [If they leave us/We'll find a corner near Heaven/If they leave us/We'll turn the clouds into velvet/And there, together just the two of us, so close to God/It'll be what we dreamed of/If they leave us/I'll take you by the hand, my heart, and there we'll go].

For someone with no history with Spanish, Dominic had chosen a rather apt song. During the bridge, he took many deep breaths and tried to smile in spite of his nerves. But he sounded great. He wasn't about to win American Idol or anything, but at least he wasn't tone deaf. I smiled while he repeated the second stanza.

When the song finished, I clapped and expressed my deep appreciation to the group - and the singer too. Dominic was all smiles, relieved at having been able to pull off such a venture. The four guests soon departed and left Dominic and me alone in the living room. Again, it seemed he had a knack for getting me to feel certain things when I didn't want to. He sat down next to me and we just looked at each other for a few moments - neither daring to be the first to speak.

"Did you like it?" He finally asked.

"Very much Dominic," I began. "But... what are you trying to do?" As I talked to him, I whispered to my heart to stay strong, to stay the course. He sighed.

"I didn't know you were going to be gone this summer. I had just assumed we would be able to take that time to..." He drifted off.

"To what?" I pressed.

"I'm not entirely sure. I just thought we could spend some of it together," he stated. "But when you said you were going to that summer program soon after graduation, I felt I needed to do something drastic - at least show you how I feel."

The little seducer spoke with such warmth, and his eyes radiated such a complete caring that my icy resolve seemed in danger. Where the hell was my resolve?! And then he leaned in quickly and kissed me. He kept our lips connected, though in the beginning the kiss was rather one sided. But as the ice began to thaw, I found myself in the familiar position of kissing him back.

"We should stop," I whispered resolutely as I pulled away to catch my breath.

"Why?"

"Because if we don't, I don't know what I'll do," I said simply, as my eyes met his.

"I don't want to stop..." he trailed off. He moved in again and started kissing my neck. Goosebumps formed all over me and I shivered for a moment.

"Dominic... we shouldn't... get our... hopes up," I managed to say amidst expressive pants. He pulled away slightly and wore a serious countenance.

"This is it Edwin; there is no more time," he said. "With your leaving soon, we're going to be parted, more so than we've been these past few months. I don't think either of us truly expects things to work out for us. But the fact remains that I love you. And I know you love me. There's nothing wrong with living in the moment and expressing that - especially if we know there'll be no more moments." Again he moved in and nibbled the other side of my neck while reaching under my shirt and gently massaging my chest.

There seemed to be a certain sense in what Dominic had said. But I questioned whether or not I could go on with this. Words and logic do not seduce - only fee lings do. What I felt for him transcended typical teenage-hormonal lust; I wasn't some high school kid looking to get off. I really did love him: the kind of love that doesn't happen everyday. And who knows? Maybe this was the final opportunity. If one knows that time is quickly fading away, then maybe there can be a teleological suspension of the ethical. Knowing the very real possibility that this could be the end of whatever was between us helped me to make my choice: I didn't resist when he took my hand and led me to his bedroom...

The sex was great, though admittedly awkward and clumsy in the beginning. It took such an indelibly long time for me to get used to his dick - not exactly something I'd grown accustomed to. I had to continually stop him at first because the pain was just too much. I could tell that he was slightly worried at my discomfort, but he also seemed anxious to see this through to the end. As the pain slowly subsided - too slowly, I might add - we began to find our groove.

To be completely honest, there was quite a bit of time where I didn't see what the big deal was. As he continued to make love to me, I couldn't help but merely feel content that it wasn't hurting as much as before. Hell, if it weren't for his continual stroking of my dick, I'd have thought I was getting the short end of this deal. But as he leaned over me and kissed me and nibbled my neck, I felt happy. Even the way his hair swept across my face made me smile. We were connected more than ever before, and that fact did not elude me.

Then all of a sudden, a strange thing happened: it started feeling really good. The pain, though present, was pushed aside as a wave of bliss washed over me - resulting in continuous moans and a bit of writhing. My hands clung to any and everything - the sheets, his arms, and his back - whatever would help me disperse the tremendous amount of energy I was feeling. I think I even heard Dominic chuckle when I told him to slow his ass down; I wanted this shit to last, but that wouldn't happen if he kept at his pace.

Physiologically speaking, I knew what was happening: with each successive thrust, Dominic's dick was banging into my prostate. But my heart and soul saw it differently: he wasn't just hitting my G-spot; he was knocking on the door of Heaven itself. Somehow, someway, Dominic was waking the Divine within me. For the first time in my life I truly understood what Emerson and Hegel were talking about. Shit, even the Gospel of St. Thomas made sense: The Kingdom of God is inside you.

Hmmm. Just leave it to me to philosophize during sex...

Suffice it to say that I didn't last long after that revelation. A few more seconds, and a few more strokes, and I was cumming like a madman. And Dominic soon followed. He crashed on top of me after our mutual emotional pulse drained us of what little energy we had. He scooted next to me and draped an arm around my torso as his head rested on my shoulder. We closed our eyes and just wallowed in the afterglow. I've heard that after sex, there comes a feeling of anxiety and maybe guilt. But I can't feel guilt. And any anxiety I had was forgotten when Dominic gingerly stroked my chest with his fingers.

"Was it okay?" He asked, looking up at me with a smile.

"Are you kidding?" I replied. "Heaven will kiss you for what you just did to me." He sighed contentedly and we both closed our eyes, perhaps ready to drift into a quick slumber. But Dominic reestablished our conversation.

"I have a confession to make," he said.

"Uh-oh."

"I think I might have misled you earlier," he continued. The smile on his face told me this wasn't going to be too devastating.

"What do you mean?"

"I have no intention of giving up on us. I refuse to consider this the end," he stated as he sat up beside me.

"Dominic, I just don't know where we could possibly go from here. We're leaving for college soon - real soon. Can you honestly and realistically sit here and tell me you think we'll find a way through this?" I asked. "Because as much as we care about each other, I just don't see it."

"So what?" He said as he shifted positions in order to face me. "We can at least try, right? The way I figure, with email and cell phones, we can stay in touch pretty easily. Plus we can see each other on weekends and vacation time..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I stopped him and took hold of his hands. "Listen to me. I know what it is you want, and what you deserve in a relationship. But I can't give it to you. You know that I'm a nutcase with my own issues. For the life of me, I can't really explain why there's this seemingly permanent stumbling block in front of me, but it's there and I can't jump over it yet. It wouldn't be fair to you to keep this up until I've overcome that. Because I need you to be deliriously happy."

"But I'm willing to be there with you when you do get passed the stumbling block," he said, this time taking hold of my hands.

"Which brings us back to the original problem: you won't be there. We're moving away," I said. He looked at me with such a contemplative stare. Long distance relationships are notoriously tricky to handle - and he seemed to understand that.

"Okay. All I'm asking is that we try. If we go in knowing full well the dangers, then we might have a better chance at surviving. So how about it?" He asked with that seductive smile of his. I sat there a moment and ran the possibilities through my head.

"I can't guarantee anything... but maybe," I finally said. At the time, I couldn't come up with anything more definitive.

"Fair enough," he answered rather hopefully. Then, as if to lighten the mood, he smiled brightly and said, "so you up for another round?" That drew quite a laugh from me.

"Oh, I'd like to. But, unfortunately, I should get home and finish writing my speech for tomorrow."

"Awh come on!" He pleaded. "I thought you were done with it."

"Well, I was. But things are different now. I have to change some of it because I have this sudden urge to make it more hopeful," I smiled. He got this very carnal look in his eyes as he straddled me and kissed my lips.

"What if we switched roles?" He whispered in my ear. My eyes must have brightened a little at the thought.

An hour later I was finally dressed and heading home.

I hate speaking in front of large crowds - I really do. My palms get all sweaty and my voice trembles noticeably. As I began my speech, I tried my hardest to not notice the 200 students to my left, fidgeting in their seats under the brutal June mid-morning sun; nor the thousands of friends and family to my right sitting in the bleachers of the football stadium. Of course ignoring all these people is damn near impossible when the rules of public speaking demand constant eye contact and audience engagement. As I got into my groove, the first half of the speech was having the desired effect: students, parents, and teachers were laughing and enjoying the anecdotal stories and good-natured reminiscing. I saw smiles and nods of approval at the encouraging words spewing from my mouth. But such optimism must be balanced; I wondered if the second half of my speech would go over so well...

"I wish I could stand up here and say that the journey we're about to embark on will be a flawless one; that we're all destined for greatness. But I can't say that - not because I'm pessimistic or out of a desire to bring us down on this great day, but because it wouldn't be responsible of me. 'Greatness,' whatever that means, is so tough to quantify. Its definition is dependant on too many arbitrary factors - factors we cannot all agree on. Just like 'truth' and 'happiness,' 'greatness' is subjective, thereby prohibiting me from making blanket statements regarding its definition's place in our lives. But no matter what we decide it entails, our personal ability to reach it will be a direct result of the choices we make and the luck we have. And we may make bad choices and have unfortunate luck in the coming future.

"But let's put that aside for a second. What I can say with absolute certainty, is that we are all Great - no ifs, ands, or buts. The difference between the two is very subtle, but unlike its cousin, to be 'Great' does not depend on anything we do, or say, or think. It is an inherent trait guaranteed to us for being citizens of this universe. We are special! There can be no denying that. So no matter what happens from here on out, I urge everyone to always remember your worth.

"However, that doesn't mean we can ignore the possibilities our futures may hold. Things will be hard - it's called 'growing up.' Look around everybody. This chapter of our lives is closing while a new one is demanding to be written. And as sad as it may seem, the players in this act may not play a major role in the next; we may lose good friends and great loves..."

I took a brief moment to look into the crowd of my peers - to look at one person in the crowd.

"But it'll be okay. Though I hate it when people use the stereotypical obscure-quote-in-a-graduation-speech technique, I'll go ahead and do the same. In the words of Max Ehrmann: 'With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.' No matter what life throws at you, or where your choices have placed you, keep your head up - because it is still a beautiful world. In being unique, distinct, and irreproducible, we have the ability to face even the roughest life with dignity and value. And I know we will - because it is still a beautiful world.

"So congratulations everybody - we've made it this far! Now it's time for us to stare down the future and say in one collective and unafraid voice: 'Bring it on.'"

I guess the speech went rather well - people seemed to enjoy it. An hour later, 200 caps were thrown into the air as the proceedings came to a close, and we officially graduated. Then the organized chaos set in as thousands of well- wishers made their way onto the field looking for their respective grad. As I waited for my family, I chatted a bit with Gabriel.

"Good speech," he said after a big hug.

"Thanks. Could you tell I was nervous?" I asked.

"Oh definitely," he replied with a smile. "But it was still good." We spent a few moments in silence as his family took pictures of us. "So this is it, huh? Time to move on?" He continued somewhat solemnly.

"I don't think so. I really don't see us drifting too far apart," I answered sincerely.

"Why not?"

"Because I like you too much," I said simply. He smiled and gave me another big hug. There was a comfort there - an understanding of our place in each other's hearts. Smiles.

Eventually my family found me and we had our mini celebration alongside Gabriel and his folks. Actually, we were both kind of embarrassed at the constant congratulations and pictures both sets of parents were demanding of us (especially since we were still in the ugly green graduation gowns provided by our school). After bidding Gabriel adieu, my family and I were about to head off when I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw Dominic standing there with a nervous smile on his face.

"Nice speech," he said. I chuckled a little - perhaps feeling a bit embarrassed about what we had done the day prior.

"Thanks a lot," I replied. Again more pictures were taken, with my mom insisting on Dominic and me posing for multiple shots. After a few minutes we all started walking toward the exit of the football stadium. Dominic and I walked a few yards behind our parents so that we could talk a little bit more.

"When do you leave for that summer program?" He asked quietly.

"Tomorrow evening," I replied just as quietly.

"So soon?"

"Yeah... I opted for the earliest possible date. At the time I figured it was the best decision," I said.

"And now?"

"Now, not so much," I admitted. Brief silence.

"So I guess you thought it over - ya know, whether you'd let us give it a try. You really think you'll lose a 'great love'?" He asked while he stared at the ground.

"God, I hope not," I said as I put my hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed.

"I was serious ya know, about not accepting this as the end," he continued with a bit of renewed energy. "I really want you to still be a part of my life."

"Me too Dominic. I did think it over, and I'm hoping we'll make some progress. We just have to wait and see what the nature of that progress is," I said. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of perpetual hope, but the point got across. He smiled and gave me one last hug while our parents grinned and watched (with his parents smiling knowingly at us).

"It's still a beautiful world, right?" He whispered in my ear.

"Yeah... you're what reminded me of that," I whispered back.

We were both saddened as we said goodbye next to our respective cars.

After attending various graduation parties (as well as hosting my own for a few minutes), I came home and just laid in bed. Save for a few moments with both Gabriel and Dominic, it hadn't really hit me that the next day would literally change my life. There's a certain amount of fear there, ya know? Being alone and standing on the precipice of the unknown, I sent up a prayer - acknowledging the help I would need to save the relationships I couldn't bear to lose.

The next morning I finished packing and eventually set off to start my tenure at college - resigning myself to both the hopes and fears of an uncertain future.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's Notes: Once again, I'm soooooo sorry it's taken so long for me to get this sucker posted. Apparently my procrastination skills are still rather honed. Don't worry everybody; I've decided to add an epilogue to this story, so it's not done yet. I've already written it, I'm just reediting it as we speak. Hopefully it'll provide a little something for those still expecting more. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! The end is near...

edtimoria@hotmail.com