The Hound of God By: Edwin e.
Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are offended by stories involving male/male relationships, or in an area that prohibits your viewing of such material. This story is copyrighted to me, Edwin e, so don't reproduce it without my permission.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone entirely coincidental.
READ THIS: There is a little bit of Spanish in this story. For any non-Spanish speakers out there, an English translation follows in brackets. Peace.
Part II: the step forward
I'm not a violent man - I'm really not. I've never been in a fight which has always made me question whether I could ever throw a punch if need be. Apparently I can.
"Oh God!" I said - stunned at what I had just done. "I'm so sorry, Dominic. I didn't mean to do that." I stood there a second, dumbfounded at the course of action my body had decided to take. I held out my hand to help him back up to his feet.
"Well, I guess I'm not that great of a kisser after all," he said with a sardonic smile on his face as he massaged his sore lip. His willingness to laugh at the situation helped to ease the enormous amount of guilt I was feeling. He took my hand and got to his feet.
"I'm so, so sorry. I-I don't know what to say," I said looking at him with great concern. The sweat that often follows nervousness was making me itch.
"Don't worry about it. After your reaction yesterday, I should have known than to try and kiss you again; it's my fault," He said as his hand continued to apply pressure to his lip in an attempt to stop the bleeding.
"Maybe... but I shouldn't have hit you... I'm not usually a violent man, but I guess you bring it out of me," I said smiling back at him. By now the cut on his lip had coagulated as he stood there with an amused look on his face.
Things got quiet for a few seconds.
"Oh God Dominic, things are so crazy. This is not how things are supposed to go." I went to my desk and sat down, letting the world disappear around me so I could think.
"I told you," he said, knocking me out of my thoughts.
"Told me what?"
"That you twirl your hair when you concentrate," he said, continuing to smile. I stopped and noticed that my fingers were in fact wrapping themselves around my hair. Even though my hair is usually cut short, I found it odd that I was still able to twirl a good chunk of it.
"Wow...stalker." We both laughed. I guess all it took was my punching Dominic to get a little more comfortable around him. "Can I ask you something?" I asked.
"Sure."
"When did this all start? When did I become... such a focus?" I asked.
"From the moment I first saw you," he responded almost immediately. "Don't you believe in love at first sight?" He asked, taking a step toward me. I put my hand up, indicating him to get back.
"No, I'm serious," I stated, not knowing if he was making a joke or not. Though only given a handful of minutes to process all the information Dominic had thrust upon me, my mind couldn't even begin to make sense of it.
"I'm being dead serious. Two years ago, I transferred to this school, and you had the locker next to me. That very first day I was putting my books away, and you turned to me and said 'hi'. You probably don't remember, but I stood there unable to respond while you walked away. I just kept thinking, 'Damn, who is that?'" he said. He might have seen the somewhat disbelieving look on my face because he then asked, "do you really not believe in love at first sight?"
"Absolutely not," I replied flatly.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not ten?" I said without trying to seem patronizing. "Listen Dominic: Lust, attraction, and interest are what happen 'at first sight,' but those are hardly Love. Love is a higher order emotion; it's a process. No, it's more than that: it's a demanding conversion. It's... a journey through a whole host of feelings and ultimately discovering more about your partner, yourself, and even the world, through those feelings. Anything worth feeling cannot be felt in a fleeting moment." This is very important subject to me: he was turning my life upside down because he felt an attraction to me? I looked at him and saw a stare void of emotion. I had no idea what he was thinking.
"I'm sorry," I said, directing my eyes toward the floor. "I know I have a tendency to get preachy. I tend to ramble when placed in stressful situations - it's a problem I've been trying to work on..."
"No, it's okay. I kinda like it," he said smiling at me again. "It's nice that you can talk like that, all "smart-like... Look, my feelings for you may have started off as attraction, but they've grown since then. Two years I've spent watching you; I know you. I want you Edwin," he said, taking another step forward. Once again, I maintained my distance.
"Wait, wait, wait. Two years is a long time to be harboring feelings for someone you've never really talked to, don't you think? Not to be mean or anything, but don't you find that kinda... crazy?" I asked.
"I guess it may seem a little weird. I know we've never had a meaningful conversation or anything like that, but I still know you," he continued.
"You don't know me Dominic. All those reasons you gave for liking me only show that you know things ABOUT me, but you don't KNOW me. The difference is subtle, but it's important. And, to be honest, there has been no effort on your part to get to know me," I reasoned. Though on the same token, I never really took time out of my schedule to get to know him either. Then again, I wasn't the one claiming to have unfounded feelings. I was well aware that the tension in the room was beginning to fill again.
"Not that any of this matters. You like me? Okay, fine, whatever. But Dominic, I repeat: what I know of you, I don't like," I said.
"I know I come off as a bit of a jerk," he began a little defensively.
"No," I interrupted, "you come off as a huge jerk. You're an absolute ass Dominic! You only acknowledge and are nice to your jock buddies and those whores that follow you guys around. Everyone else you treat like trash." I could feel myself getting riled up.
"It's all an act Edwin. Do you think I could live my life - be on the soccer team and have the friends I have - if I came out as gay? I don't think so. You of all people should understand the need to hide," he countered.
"I understand the need to hide your sexuality - I get that. But you're hiding an entire personality. You wanna act straight, go ahead; even I do that. But that doesn't mean you have to act like such a horrible person," I said knowing I was in the right. 'I am in the right, right?' I thought to myself.
"So that's the problem? You don't like me cuz I'm a jerk?" he asked after a moment of silence.
"After talking to you today, I know you're not that bad of a guy Dominic. You seem more sensitive than I've given you credit for," I started. "But for the last two years, you've acted like an asshole to so many people. Why should I treat you as anything other than that?" He looked at me and began to smile, which is odd considering I was doing my best to criticize him.
"So if I wasn't such a jerk, you'd start liking me more, right?" he said with a hint of hope in his voice. I couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Jeez, you never quit, do you?" I said, returning a smile. Despite my anger at his 'outing' me, he was very good at making me feel comfortable. "Here's the deal: if you want to be a jerk, that's fine. If you don't, that's fine too. One way will make you easier to be friends with, the other won't. But don't think that anything will ever happen between us Dominic. I have my own issues to go through, and you're not really helping. I don't need, or want a boyfriend or random hookup. Maybe one day we can be friends... maybe."
That seemed to shut him up. We passed a few more seconds in silence until he started chuckling to himself.
"What?" I asked.
"It's just... I wasn't 100% sure that you were gay, but I was willing to bet you were. One of the reasons I decided to act was because if you WERE gay, I thought that you'd give in pretty easily," he said, all the while stifling small fits of laughter.
"Um, did you just call me slutty?" I smiled at him.
"This is going to sound conceited, I know. But I know I'm really popular and pretty good-looking - so who wouldn't want to be with me? I have to admit I was pretty surprised that you turned me down; I wasn't really expecting a rejection based on character."
"Yeah, um, I think you've been reading too much bad gay fiction. Just because you're hot, popular, and gay doesn't make you the ultimate catch for another gay boy; reality is hardly ever that simple," I said hoping not to hurt his feelings.
He made himself comfortable on my bed while I stayed in my chair near my desk. The tension in the room was finally gone, and we both seemed more at ease after getting answers to questions that were plaguing us. I was kinda stuck trying to figure out where to go from here, but was saved when the phone rang. No one was home, so I had to pick it up.
"Hello?" I asked.
It may be hard to believe, but not that many people call me. I used to be bothered by it, but then realized it was to be expected considering my unwillingness to get too close to others... So I guess, it may NOT be that hard to believe. Hmm.
The phone call turned out to be from Gabriel. He asked if I would like to stop by his house and watch a movie with a group of friends. I agreed thinking it would be nice to take a step back from the whole Dominic situation.
"Um, I don't have a ride though," I said into the phone. Oddly enough, both Gabriel and Dominic simultaneously offered to give me a ride. Since Dominic was here anyway, I told Gabriel I would be there in ten minutes. I hung up the phone and took a few seconds to get ready - inadvertently ignoring the guest in my room.
"You have a crush on Gabriel, don't you?" Dominic asked, causing me to stop what I was doing. Silence.
"I'm not a 12 year old girl Dominic, I don't get crushes. There's no point in having feelings if they're not intense," I said as I began changing my clothes. Suddenly my mental soundtrack kicked in: "QUIERO SER LIBRE/VIVIR MI VIDA/CON QUIEN YO QUIERA' [I want to be free/To live my life/With whomever I choose]. "'Paloma Negra' has always been one of my favorite songs," I thought as took off my shirt.
I have always been very reticent when it comes to nudity. I avert my eyes whenever anyone changes in front of me (though the occasion is rare), while I try to change in private - or at the very least - discreetly. I guess I've just always thought that there is nothing wrong with a little modesty. So I tried to get behind Dominic while I changed my shirt so he wouldn't see me, in what I consider, a somewhat vulnerable state. But out of the corner of my eye I could see him catch a quick glance of me shirtless. His smile faded into a look of worry or preoccupation. It was the same look I had seen when he went toe-to-toe with Gabriel earlier in the afternoon outside the music room. I found it somewhat surprising that he wasn't arguing with me or asking me more questions. Interesting.
Once I finished getting ready we were on our way. My town is so small it doesn't take more than five minutes to get from one point to another, so Dominic and I made it to Gabriel's rather quickly. I thanked him for the ride and was about to step out of his car when he grabbed my arm.
"Edwin, wait... You may not like it, but we're in the same boat. We're both going through something no one else knows about. So I think it behooves us to help each other out on this, even if it's somewhat difficult for you," he said, all the while holding onto my arm.
"Did you just say 'behooves'?" I asked smiling at him.
"You're not the only one who knows big words," he responded playfully. I agreed with what he said, and told him as much. With that, I got out of the car and met up with Gabriel and our pals.
We ended up watching "Goodbye Lenin," a terrific German film. I didn't think I would have as much fun as I did, especially since Gabriel spent most of the time hanging with his girlfriend. But all in all, it was quite nice. He and I share the same friends, so I knew everyone who was there. It was nice being social for a change. After the movie, I asked Gabriel if he could give me a ride back to my place, and he agreed.
"So whom did you get a ride with earlier?" he asked me as we headed to my house.
"Dominic," I said as I stared at a park through the window. The Parks and Recreations Commission of my town had always been one of the best around. For being a town of only 16,000 people we had quite a few beautiful parks. I couldn't help but stare every time I passed one of them.
"He was at your house?" He asked seeming somewhat perturbed. "Why? He's such a dick."
"No question about that, but he needs my help with stuff. What can I do, ya know?" I said as we reached our destination.
"Yeah, I guess. But still..." He said. Gabriel was well aware of my history tutoring athletes, but for some reason he took a strong dislike to Dominic. Can't really say I blame him though. I gave him a quick smile as I said goodbye. Although I had a good time, I was happy to be home. I knew I was going to be thinking plenty tonight.
While in bed that night, I thought about what had happened these last two days. I knew things were different, but I had to come up with some sort of plan to control the fallout. There was a certain peace in knowing that the secret I harbored my entire life was no longer mine alone - I had someone to share it with (even if that someone was Dominic). I still had no idea what role he was to play in my life. On the one hand, he was able to tear down a few barriers that caused me to detest him so much. Yes he may not be a complete asshole, but I still had no reason to see him as anything other than a jerk. Until that changed, I wasn't about to let him into my life anymore than I had to. We may be in the same boat, but that boat provided me with ample room to keep him at arms length.
There were still other issues I had to deal with. Up to this point, my whole life had revolved around my need for isolation in order to guard my secret. Now that the secret was out, there was no need to guard it, but rather contain it. The subtlety between the two makes a world of difference. Before, the whole world became my enemy: something to keep at bay. Dominic's infiltration of my inner sanctum allowed me to humanize the situation a little bit. I didn't have to hide my entire self from the world; I just had to hide a secret from those around me. And this made me feel good - a little less of a burden to have to shoulder. So I decided to make a change in the way I acted toward life. My goal was to do a better job of letting others get close to me despite the walls I continued to build around my sexuality.
That's not to say that I was going to 'come out' or anything like that. Hell no. My being gay would still be a secret privy to only Dominic and myself. It may be hard to be more open and keep this secret, but I had a renewed sense of hope. Despite all the uncertainty that would await me in the morning, I couldn't help but smile as I thought: '...EL DESTINO CAMBIO MI SUERTE...' [Destiny has changed my luck].
I drifted off to sleep; smiling at the thought of the possibilities that this new hope could provide for me.
TO BE CONTINUED.
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